06x08 - The New Friend

[bunniefuu]

What's the number?

- -wok-kwik.

- ...

Wok. W-o-k...

There's no "q."

It's with a "kw."

Kwick. Uh, K-W-I-C-K.

K-W-I-K.
No "C."

Okay, so how is this faster?

♪ Tell me why
I love you like I do

♪ Tell me who
can stop my heart"

♪ As much as you

♪ Tell me all your secrets and I'll tell you most of mine

♪ They say nobody's perfect

♪ Well, that's really true
this time

♪ 'Cause I don't have
the answers
I don't have a plan

♪ All I have is you

♪ So, baby,
help me understand

♪ What we do

♪ You can whisper in my ear

♪ Where we go

♪ Who knows what happens
after here

♪ Let's take
each other's hand

♪ And jump
into the final frontier

♪ The final frontier ♪

You know what? Here's a memo
to sharper image.

Nobody needs a $ ,
gumball machine.

When the electric bill
comes in bright red ink,
that's bad, right?

Generally speaking,
that's not... good.

Hey, guess what?

I thought you paid this.

I'm a genius.

"Interruption in service
if not paid by the th?"

That's today.

Sweetie, you know
the Vandergraft Foundation?
No.

Yes, you do.
Every year they give out
the genius awards.

Never heard of them.

Well, be that as it may,

they have reviewed
my body of work,

including my latest
film, Buchman,

and they have decided...
I'm a genius.

You're married
to a genius,

Hence, I am... a genius.

That's great, sweetie.

"That's great, sweetie."
That's what you have
to say about that?

You're gonna be a genius
fumbling around in the dark
if you don't pay this by today.

What would I have to do to
impress you at this point?

Oh, I think it got
a little bit cooler.

I don't think you understand
the full magnitude.

I think it's a little too cold
for a walk in the park
with just your jacket.

What do you think, Mabel?

A genius right here
in your lobby.

Maybe we need to try to
put on a little sweater
underneath your jacket.

What do you think?
What did we talk about
before about layers?

She doesn't completely
understand you.
You know that, right?

It doesn't matter. Every
time you talk to a child,
their brain grows.

You know what?
That's probably true.

Think of how much
my mother talks,
look at my brains.

Hey, Patrick,
be careful!
Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!

JAMIE: Be careful.
Watch.

I want a banana.

Sorry to be taking over
the lobby.

That's okay.

Have a cr*cker.

Hi. I'm Sarah Mckay.

Hi.
Hi.

This is my g*ng.

I'm Jamie.
This is Paul Buchman.

We're in -D.

Hello.
Hi.

Nice to meet you.
This is little Mabel.

Wow, she's really
bundled up there.

Well, it's gonna go
into the s later...
cooler at the shore.

Mom!

Tell me you have help.

Yeah.

We have a daddy,
but he moved to Seattle
with his masseuse, Daphne.

Okay, sweetheart.

Sorry.

Hey, sweetie,
there you go.

Wow, I've never seen
one of those before.

Yep. They're pictures
of the U.S. Presidents,

and when you spin 'em,
they play their
famous speeches.

Really?

Cool.

Never too early for
a history lesson, right?

Yeah. Whatever.

Mabel likes Ike.

And yet, ironically, she
voted for Stevenson, so...

Would you like the name
of the catalog?

Okay, sure.

Great, pen.
Do you have a pen?

Wait a minute.
I never leave home
without a crayon.

Oh, great. Um...

Paper's another thing.

Just a second,
I must have
something in here.

[TOY SQUEAKS]

Claire, look,
your banana.

Okay, but you know what?

Here's a check,
and my phone number's
on the front.

Great. Oh, look, you
got the bighorn sheep.

Remember how much
I wanted those.

Not a day goes by.

Okay, g*ng, come on.
We're outta here.

Okay, well,
I'll call you
this afternoon.

Terrific.
Okay.

Very nice to meet you all.
Yeah, even you.

Mommy, it's cold!

Oh, come on.
It's good for you.

[OVERLAPPING CHATTER]

Wow.

Yeah.

All right, so that's, like,
us in six or seven years,
knock wood.

Hah! Not quite.
Why not?

Hopefully you will not be
living in another city
with your masseuse,

and I will not be feeding
our underdressed children
linty crackers.

Yeah, but besides that.

All right.
Get the door, Einstein.

Don't say it
if you don't mean it.

You?
Yep.

A genius award?
That's right, my friend.

Come on.

Does it not say it
right there on the paper?

Well, there's got to be
some kind of clerical
error or something.

Well, it's
perfectly conceivable.

I mean, somewhere
somebody in the world

has got to be
a genius, right?

So... Who's to say that
I couldn't be a genius?
There's no reason.

You're a big genius.
Give me that thing.

It seems to be stuck.

Give me that!

Genius.

Okay. Just so happens
very often, you know,

geniuses are not
necessarily skilled
at menial tasks.

Yeah, uh-huh.

That's true.
You know Mozart?

Very skilled
at the piano.

Constantly
losing his flute.

Ma, dad,
hi, it's me.

Sorry I missed you.
Just called to say,

you know, nothing.
To say hi. How you doing?

And, uh,
tell you I'm a genius,
so call me.

Geez, okay, Pauly,
so great, man,

all we gotta do
is get your "okay" on this

and we are done,
my friend.

Uh, okay, good,
just a second.

Debbie? Hi, it's me.

Uh, just wanted to know
when I was at
your house last week,

did I, by any chance,
leave my windbreaker?

It's a blue windbreaker
with a plaid lining.

I wanted to ask you
that. And what else
did I want to tell you?

Oh, yeah,
I'm a genius, too.
All right, so call me.

Geez, Pauly, please.

Oh, let me enjoy it,
would you?

How often does
a person get this
kind of recognition?

All right, but look.
How about this poster, huh?

It turned out great,
didn't it?

It's all right.

It's exactly what we said.

You know, it is, but
I'm just looking at it
now with fresh eyes

and just rolling it
around my brain.

I'm wondering
if we can't b*at
the theme line.

"Buchman:
come meet the family."

It's a terrific
theme line.

Eh!

What?

It's fantastic.
It tells what the movie is.

It's inviting.
It's clear.

Ah...
What?

Is it genius?

Come on.
What are you say...
are you serious?

Well, I, you know,
let me just...
Off the top of my head.

Let me just spitball
a little bit, all right?

Run this right
by you. All right?

Here we go.
Buchman family tree.

I'm proposing Buchman:
from a single leaf.

Yes.

Just... just that.
From a single leaf.

Buchman:
from a single leaf.
What?

From a single leaf.
Tree, leaf, tree, leaf.

Tree to leaf. Tree...
it's a leaf!

From a single
Buchman immigrant
comes all this.

It has to be clear, okay?

It has to explain
exactly what the movie is.

Well, I'm just trying
to think if we can't do
something a little spe...

All right,
how about this?

IRA: What?

Just now.

Buchman: a few droplets
in the rain
barrel of humanity.

You got the rain.
You got humanity.
Everything is there.

Do you understand
what I'm saying to you?

Clear! Clear!

Apollo . Houston,
we have a problem.

All right.
Okay. All right.

Again. Just came
to me. Ready?

Yeah.
From me to you.
I'm giving it to you right now.

Buchman...

Where does it go?
What does it mean?

Hey, how about this?

Buchman:
"for external use only."

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

Hey.
Hey.

Sorry to bother you.
No.

I need that check back.

Oh, okay.
It's my last one.

CLAIRE: Wee!

No, Claire, no, hon,
that's for the firemen.

All right.
Hey, Sarah.
Hello.

All right. We're all set
tomorrow at Chez Philip.

You, me, mom,
dad, Ira, Deb.

Little
celebration dinner.

What are you
celebrating?

Oh, I just won
a little award

from the Vandergraft Foundation.

What, a genius award?

Do they call it that?
I was not aware.

That's really great.

Well, you know.
Whatever.

PATRICK: Ow!

CLAIRE: Ow!

BOTH: Ow!

You don't
want to know.

Okay, here you go.

Okay. Well, thanks.

Okay.
Okay.

PAUL: See you later.

You know, I have
these four tickets

to the New York liberty
game tonight.

Is that something
you would be
interested in,

or are you
sick of me already?

No, we'd love that!

We love the WNBA.

You know who loves
women's basketball?
My cousin, Ira.

Okay, Sarah,
I don't know
if this is anything

you'd be
interested in, but...

If he's straight,
I'm in.

Wow! Really?

Paul, what
do you think?

I think he's straight.

I mean about
the two of them.

Oh, yeah.
Oh, definitely.

Excellent. It'll
be a double-date.

Oh, don't call it
that though. No.

Okay, it's not a date.

No, it is, but
don't call it that

'cause it makes
everybody crazy.

You're right.
No date.

[BARKS]
[BABY CRYING]

Oh, oh, Nora, sweetie.

Nora, that's okay.

It's okay.
You just got scared.

You got scared
'cause the doggy barked.

The only way the doggy
can communicate with you

is to bark.
Jamie!

[STOPS CRYING]

See you at : .

Okay, these four.

What, are you kidding me?
How did you get these seats?

Well, actually,
I do media relations
for the team.

Well, hosanna, hosanna,
hosanna to you.

Stop it. Sit down.

Hey, I don't sit this close
at pickup games at the Y.

It's like a totally
different game
from this distance.

It's incredible.
You can see their
facial expressions.

JAMIE: Rebecca Lobo!

Yeah.
Wow!

She's pretty, too.

Who is that? Hey, is
that Fyvush Finkel?

Oh, yeah,
he's a fan.

Huh.

Yeah, we don't get
the Jack Nicholson's

or the Spike Lee's
just yet, but we're
getting there.

Is that Rupaul?

Maybe.

Wow! If that's him,
she looks great.

I'm telling you,
that guy is a genius.

All right,
if you overuse the word,

all you do is
diminish its meaning.

Oh, do you want
to meet Bella Abzug?

Yes.
Okay, be right back?

All righty.

Oh, nice.

Hey, have I been watching
too many Disney films,

Or is he just dreamy?

Oh, probably both.

Tell you, Pauly,
there is something about
an athletic woman, you know?

Just stop right
there, would you?
Don't even go there.

These women are
feet taller
than you.

So what? Maybe they
prefer a more petite man.

Why?

Why would they
prefer a petite man?

Because it makes them
feel more powerful.

They already
have their power.

She could k*ll you.

I know. I love that.

Hi.

Hey.
How was Bella?

Great and we met
Rick Springfield.

Wow!

[BUZZER BUZZES]

SARAH: Hey, Rebecca.
REBECCA: Hey, Sarah,
how's it going?

Great. I want
you to meet some
friends of mine.

PAUL: Good luck, tonight.
We're big fans.

Oh, yeah, actually,
as a matter of fact,

I am loco for Lobo.

Thank you.

Or if you will...
crazy for the wolf.

I understand.

You have
a great game, huh?

Thanks. I'll try.

Okay. I enjoyed that.

She's lovely, isn't she?

Yes, she is.

ANNOUNCER:
Ladies and gentlemen,

it's time to welcome
your New York Liberty!

Hey, Lobo!

I got next!

PAUL:
All right, let me try this.

What?

Buchman. Family.
Just add water.

What?

You just add water
because when you

bring an immigrant
across water,

you get a whole new
family history.

Who exactly did you
b*at out for this award?

That was fun,
the game.

Yeah, it was.

Where did you
disappear to afterwards?

Well, little errands.
Little errand I had to run.

What kind
of little errand?

A little phone number
I had to get.

Whose phone number?
Sarah's?

Little Rebecca Lobo
phone number.

Get out of here!

Hey, hey, hey.
Read it and yearn.

You blew off your date
to get another
woman's phone number?

My date?
Who was my date?

Sarah? The woman
who sat next to you

and laughed at every
marginally funny
thing you said for three hours.

She was my date?

We didn't tell you
it was a date

because she
didn't want it
to be awkward.

Well, congratulations.
I was totally comfortable.

You know, you got to tell
a person when they're on a date,
don't you?

Well, we foolishly
figured

that you
could cull it
from the context.

What do you want from me?
You know, me and Sarah,
we didn't connect.

You started to
before you went
loco for Lobo.

No more than
she went ballistic
for Buchman.

Uh-huh.

You just can't
stand in the way
of chemistry, James.

You and Rebecca Lobo...
a perfect match.

Well,
you never know.

We had a terrific
conversation,
she and I.

I learned a great
deal about her.

She got her degree
in poli-sci.

Her father's father
is from Cuba.

She's, uh,
an avid golfer,
a voracious reader,

and, uh, her
dislikes include
rude people,

ceiling fans,
and polka music.

Okay. Okay.

Here it is.
Buchman: when you
look in the mirror

and there's no one there,

how come that is?

I'm gonna k*ll her.
I'm sorry.

I'm gonna k*ll
Rebecca Lobo.
I'm so sorry.

I'm gonna look her
in the kneecap,

and I'm gonna say,
"What gives?"

I'm really sorry
this happened.

She saw me with him.

I introduced her
to him.

Mom, James and the
Giant Peachsucks.

We can always
turn it off.

No!
No!

Boy, they sure like
their TV, huh?

Oh, thank god.

You know,
Paul and I were thinking
it might be better

if Mabel actually didn't
watch any TV at all.

Nope. You're
absolutely right.

We'll talk
when she's four.

I mean, she sees
that I'm with a guy.

You know,
what's she thinking?
[BABY CRIES]

I know.
I know, sweetie.

I know you want
your music box.

I know. I see that
you're frustrated.

It must be very hard.

What do you
say to them

when they just fixate
on one thing,

and you want
to give it to them,
but you can't?

I say, "Get over it,"
but that's just me.

Can I impose on you for
just a little while

to watch the kids?

Sure. Where you going?

I'm going to get me
a stepladder

and give Ms. Lobo
a piece of my mind.

Are you sure
that's a good idea?

I'm sure.

[MUSIC BOX PLAYING]

I just... I couldn't
watch that anymore.

[CHEERING]

Way to go, baby!

Hey, you're with Rebecca?

Yeah.
Oh, hi, I'm Jim.

I'm with Cindy Billups.

Ira, how you doing?

Hey, I'm Tony. I'm
with Peggy Hughes.

Tony, what's up?

All right.
Daniel, I'm with
Slippy Hardaway.

Daniel,
how's it going?

I'm just praying
we can hang on
and win this thing.

Yeah.
Me, too.

[CROWD CHEERING]

Hey, did the girls
say they're
playing golf tomorrow?

I think so. Yeah.

Slippy and I haven't
had any alone time
in, like, weeks.

Talk to me,
boyfriend.

ANNOUNCER:
Rebecca Lobo
at the line.

Two sh*ts.

Eddie, Eddie,
guess what?

I spoke to Rebecca...

And she asked me
to make sure

you play polka music
when she's at
the free throw line

which she is, right now.

So?
Really?

'Cause he told me
if I ever played a polka

during the game,
she'd have my head.

Oh, yeah, yeah, but
that's from before.

No, that's all over.

Really?

Eddie, why in heaven would
I make something
like that up?

[ROLL OUT THE BARRELPLAYING]

Louder, Eddie.
Play it louder.

[PLAYS LOUDER]

Oh, Nora,
what a cutie you are.

Okay, I don't get it.
They live in
a giant peach?

Yeah. You know what, Patrick?

Let's turn off the TV.
Maybe we can do some reading.

[MABEL CRIES]

Oh, Mabel, Mabel,
sweetie, it's okay.

Whee, I'm going
to play soccer.

Wheeee!

Claire,
maybe don't kick
the ball in here.

You know what?
You're not helping
at all. Claire!

It seems to me
it's kind more of
an outside game.

Maybe you... we could
take you to...
[CRASHING]

Goal!

Patrick, it's so good
that you're excited
for your sister.

Do you have
any other tapes?

I mean, this tape
is ridiculous.
It's about...

Soccer!
I want to play soccer!

Just give me one...
All right!

Mabel...
[SNAPS FINGER]
Relax.

[MABEL STOPS CRYING]
You, sit down.

Here, eat these.

One more bark out of you,
you're going to live
on a farm.

[WHINES]

Sit down.
Watch James and
the giant peach

and somehow deal
with the fact

that they live
in a giant peach.
All right?

All right.
All right?

All right.
All right.

[Sighs]

PATRICK: Hey!

CLAIRE: What happened?

The electric bill.
I'm going to k*ll him.

One child.

What was that?

We are having one child
and one child only.

Okay.

Just thought
you should know.

All right.
Everybody,
if you would,

now that we're
all here, please
raise your glasses

and I just...
I want
to thank you all

for coming to
celebrate my news

and I got to say I'm
not that surprised

that I won
the award.

Oh, my God.

I always knew
you were a genius.

Did you really?

Yes. Since you got
that "A" in English.

And after Debbie,
that was really
like a miracle.

Ma!

Okay, okay, okay, let's not...

Hey, this is
just so typical.

Oh, please, Debbie,
don't get started.

Oh!

Happy, happy.

Why don't you
just admit it?

You always thought
Paul was smarter.

No, Deb, I don't think
that's what's
being said here.

Debbie was always
very popular.

You see?
You see what I'm saying?

Deb, nobody's
comparing us.

We're not comparing
you to me.

We're simply here
to celebrate that,
in and of itself,

I am extraordinary.

Oh!

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
you know what?

I have to be
somewhere.

Where?
Borneo.

Deb...
Shut up.

I'll call you tomorrow.

IRA: Debbie, come on.

Come on, Debbie.
He didn't mean it.

Clam?

I mean, how did she
ever get it in her head

that I think you're
smarter than her?

Well, do you? Do you think
I'm smarter than her?

Yes, but the point is
how did she ever
get it in her head?

Well, you know,
if I may,

maybe... Maybe you
could have given a little more
care to protect her feelings.

Are you telling me
this is my fault?

No, I'm just thinking,
you know,

that you could
rise above the fray.
You be the big person...

Are you telling me
how to raise my child?

No, not at all.
Who do you think
you are?

Mother, I'm simply saying...

Burt, get the coats!

Well, what about
the garlic bread?

Burt, get the coats!

You know, I want
to tell you something.

There's genius and
then there's wise guy.

Ira: Aunt Syl, come on.
Don't take offense. Aunt Syl!

Well, they really didn't
take what I said

in the spirit in which
it was intended.

I'm really trying to
give them the benefit
of my perspective.

Which, not to be
egotistical,

I think that coming
from me, at this point
in time...

Would you excuse me?

What?

What is it
with people?

I don't know.
You know, Pauly, listen.

I hope you don't mind.
I had to drop the poster
at the printer. Right?

I went with
Buchman: Come Meet the Family.

Really?

It's gonna be fine.

I'm just wondering,
should we add
something to it?

Maybe at the bottom.

Winner of the
Vandergraft genius award.

Huh? Something
like that?

Huh? The seminal work
from our genius.

Stop!

The stuff of genius.

Okay. All right.

Wait, wait, wait,
wait a second!

They have never gotten me.

Okay, baby, here we go.

Show us what you got.

Sure?

Am I sure? Absolutely.
You got nothing.

You got nada.
Zip.

All right, Ira.

All right,
first of all,
you traveled.

Secondly, I'm in, like,
Hush Puppies here.

Come on. Let's go.

All right.

You play miniature golf?

No, miniature golf.

No. Uh, backgammon?
Parcheesi? Checkers?

Any sitting games?