06x10 - Breastfeeding

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Mad About You". Aired: September 23, 1992 – May 24, 1999.*
Watch/Buy Amazon


Paul and Jamie Buchman face an unexpected challenge after 25 years of marriage when their daughter moves away from home to study at university.
Post Reply

06x10 - Breastfeeding

Post by bunniefuu »

"And all of the animals
stopped and listened
to the wonderful sound.

"They had never heard
anything so beautiful.

"It was a special day
in the forest.

"It was the day
Billy the Bullfrog
got back his croak.

"The end."

Huh? What do you think
of that story?

[FART]

[SNIFFING]

Ew! Next time,
just a little thumbs down
will do fine.

♪ Mmm mmm mmm

♪ Tell me why
I love you like I do

♪ Tell me who
can stop my heart

♪ As much as you

♪ Tell me all your secrets
I'll tell you most of mine

♪ They say nobody's perfect

♪ Well, that's really
true this time

♪ 'Cause I don't have
the answers

♪ I don't have a plan

♪ All I have is you,
So, baby

♪ Help me understand

♪ What we do

♪ You can whisper
in my ear

♪ Where we go

♪ Who knows what happens
after here?

♪ Let's take each other's hand

♪ And jump
into the final frontier

♪ Ah ha ha

Okay, why?

Why would Al Gore
come to New York City

When he knows
all it's gonna do
is screw up traffic

and make
everybody
angry at him?

He's gonna be
on Conan.

Oh, that's right.
Plugging the new
Al Gore cologne.

Come on.
We should leave early

if we want to make it
on time to the restaurant.

Right.

I wonder what this
new "boyfriend" is like

your mother
wants us to meet.

He is not
her "boyfriend".

At no time did she use
the word "boyfriend".

She called him
her "Gentleman friend".

Gentleman friend?

So, in other words,
they're not, like...

Hey! Hey!
Hey! Don't do that.

[MABEL COOING]

There's tuna salad.

No, no,
thank you.

I... I was just...
just wondering.

What?

How close you are to,
you know,

using the bottle
at all, to any degree?

Soon.

'Cause...

I know soon, but,
like... Like when?

Like soon. I don't
wanna give this up.

I love this.

Who's saying give it up?
I would never say
give it up.

I'm saying...
Augment.

Augment.

The bottle in addition
to the breast.

Yes, but once
they get ahold
of the bottle,

some babies
lose interest
in the breast.

She'd have to be nuts.

I would miss this time
with her so much.

It's just sweet,
intimate...

Ow!

Even so.

It's just, you know,
when I see you
feeding her,

you guys...
you're so close.

You're close to her.
You change her, you clean her.

I'm close to
the bottom of her.

I'd like to be close
to the top of her.

I want some action
on the way in.

Soon.

'Cause, you know,
nutritionally,
the bottle is fine.

I know. Soon.

[MABEL COOING]

Plus, you'd be able
to keep, you know,
your clothes on in public,

Which we used
to enjoy.

Soon.

Okay. But you're definitely
gonna do it, right?

Soon.

In India, a hurricane
might be called a mon...

Soon.
Soon, yes.

Can you believe it?
She... She won't even

let me feed
my own child.

Don't you understand?

As far as the kid
is concerned,
you are done.

Okay?

Finished.

I mean, from now on,
you are just the guy
who sits in the chair

and smells
increasingly odd

as the years
go by.

Everybody,
say hello
to Mr. Buchman.

Hey-hey.

[IN UNISON]
Hi, Mr. Buchman.

Hello, team.
How are you doing?

Oh, everybody say,
thank you, Mr. Buchman.

[IN UNISON]
Thank you, Mr. Buchman.

[CHUCKLES]
What is this?

Paulie, I give you
the Turtle Bay Rangers,

newest entry
in the midtown

Youth Hockey League,

Sponsored by...

[IN UNISON]
Buchman's sporting goods.

Well, that's
so cool.

Yeah. They've come here
for their last-minute
pep talk.

Oh. From you,
of course,
Mr. Hockey.

All right, men.

In just
a short while,

you will be faced
with the greatest
athletic challenge

of your
young lives

against
your sworn enemy,

The Murray Hill
Red Wings.

Now, each of you
may be wondering

how you're
gonna hold up

in the heat
of the battle.

Well, until
that opening face-off,

you cannot
know for sure.

So what I want
to tell you is this:

You do
what you feel.

Okay?

If you're tired,
slow down.

Huh?

If you're afraid
of the puck,
run away.

And, if you feel like
giving up, remember:

Sometimes
you really should.

All right?
All right!

Let's go out there
and play some hockey!
All right?

Ice cream
if you lose!

[IN UNISON]
Yay!

"Ice cream
if you lose"?

I was just
being realistic.

You could've held out
the possibility
that they could win.

What, have you ever
seen them play?

That is very
generous of you

that you would sponsor
the kids like that.

Eh, well,
believe me...
[LAUGHS]

I'll get
my investment back.

Why? What does
that mean?

Well, you know,
nothin'. It's just...

It's good advertising,
plus...

Plus what?

Nothin'.

What?

Paulie, let's just say
that if the Rangers lose,

I win.

Did you fix
a youth hockey game?

Come on,
they're gonna
lose anyway.

Only one of 'em
can actually skate,

and then only
in a big circle
to his left.

Hey, boss,
what's the spread
on the kids' hockey game?

Oh, and what
a fine influence
you are on others.

Hey, everybody.
Hiya.

There's my girls.

Sorry we're late.
Miserable traffic.

Yeah, well,
you know,

Al Gore,
king of late night.

[MABEL FUSSING]

We tried
th, th,

th, th,

the west side highway...
All jammed.

Just miserable
masses of people...

Honey.
What?

Not... Not in
the stockroom.

Sweetie, when my breasts
hear a crying child,

which they have
since th street,

very quickly
the bar is open.

Yeah, but she
just ate before.

I'm breastfeeding my child.
Would you get over yourself?

Ow!

Paulie...

Jamie should feel
completely comfortable

breastfeeding
around me.

Oh.

Okay. Admit.
Come on, admit it.

This makes you crazy.

You don't know
whether you should
be embarrassed

or aroused
or thirsty.

You don't even know
where to put your eyes.

Admit it. Do it.

It doesn't make me
the least bit
uncomfortable.

Get get...
You're a big liar.

Marvin,
come on.

You, Marvin, who lives
with your mother.

This...

This has gotta
make you crazy,
doesn't it?

Not at all.

As a matter of fact,
I find it very calming
and healthy.

All right.
You know what?

Just do something else,
will ya? Get outta here.

Uncle Ira,
I forgot my cup.

Oh, hey,
don't look there.
Don't look...

Don't look,
don't look there.

What?
The kid's
gotta eat.

Yeah. Okay.

You know what?

You don't fool me,
none of you.

One little burp

while mommy puts
her bosoms away.

[MABEL BURPS]

It's the knicks by five
at the half.

THERESA: Hi!
Hey, Mom.

[CHUCKLES]
Hi. Where's
my granddaughter?

Where is she?

Look who's here.

Oh, hello,
sweetheart.

Look how big
she's getting.

She's so beautiful.

Could we have some ice water
for the table, please?

[IRISH ACCENT]
I beg your pardon.

Uh, some ice water
and some breadsticks, please.

I'd love to help you,
if only I worked here.

Patrick,
come here.

THERESA:
Look at that...

Look at that face.
Did you ever see
anything so beautiful?

So you're not
the waiter?

Waiter?

Oh, no, honey.
This is Patrick.

Patrick, this is
my daughter Jamie
and my son-in-law Paul.

Oh, pleasure
to meet you.

The gentleman friend.

Guilty as charged.

I-I-I-I-I...

Not at all.

Well, we'd
better order.

Patrick has to get
to a matinee.

Oh, what are you
going to see?

Oh, no, no, no.

He's in
the matinee.

He's in Lord of the Dance.

You're a Lord
of the Dance
dancer.

And I might add,
the very best one
in the show.

Oh, come now.

No, you are.

Frankly...
he's better
than the Lord.

Theresa, please.
No, well,
you are.

I mean, the Lord
is a good dancer,

but you're
a better one.

Better dancer
than the Lord.

Are you familiar
with the show?

Oh, it's got
wonderful staging

and brilliant stories,
lovely music.

Yeah, it's supposed
to be, like,
magically delicious.

But, uh, we couldn't
get tickets.

Oh, well,
you can now.

Quite so.
I'll see to it.

A dancer?
THERESA:
Uh-huh.

He's a dancer.
I was a dancer.

[LAUGHS]
I mean...

Look at us.
What are the odds?

I would say long.

I'd say the odds
were long.

Sweetie.
Yeah, what?

I'm starving.
What looks good here?

You know what I think
you'd enjoy here, love,
is the shepherd's pie.

THERESA:
Shepherd's pie.
Mm-hmm.

Sounds Irish.

And good.

Oh, it's marvelous.

It's marvelous.
It's a real treat.

And not just
for the shepherd.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Okay, so here's
a question:

Uh, how...
How did you two meet?

Well, he'd just finished
doing the show...
Well, I'd just finished...

No, no, you tell it.
No, you tell it.

'Tis lovelier
told by you.

Oh, somebody
tell it.

All right.
Well, I went
to see the show...

Uh, Lord of
the Dance.

THERESA: Lord of the Dance.

And I found myself
sitting there

absolutely enraptured.

"Enraptured"?

Yes.

"Enraptured."

Yeah, so... So, Patrick,
how long have you
been in New York?

Oh, six months.
And you're here till...

Indefinitely.

Oh. Aces.
Sweetie...

So just so I
understand this,

You two would be what?
The phrase would be what?

You're dating?

Courting?

Kidding?

Sweetie,
you know...

Did you know

that Patrick was voted
all-county dancer

when he was only
five years old?

Really?
And that was, like,
what, ten years ago?

Sweetie...
What'd I say?

Jamie, don't start.

What? What did I say?
I just said he was young.

That's enough.
Have I insulted you?

It's not an insult to
say you're a young man.

That's more
than enough.

What? You're having
a December-May romance.

PAUL:
Sweetie.

Or in this case
December-early March, but...

Bingo!

Let's go, Patrick.

You just couldn't
help yourself,
could you?

The shepherd's pie.
Maybe we'll get
some shepherd's pie.

Oh, now, why would you
want to go and do
a thing like that?

Well, we can
forget about those
free tickets now, Ollie.

[CELTIC MUSIC PLAYING]

Mom?

Mom.

What? You're not
speaking to me now?

I'm old.
I can't hear you.

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

[SIGHS IN RELIEF]
Oh, hi, Jamie.

Hi, Patrick.

Don't you talk
to him.

And off. And one,
two, three, four.

Mom, I'm sorry,
but what are you doing,

dating a guy
the square root
of your age?

And just who are you
to judge me?

I'm your daughter.

PATRICK:
And one...

Listen, Missy,

I don't need
your approval.

Of course
you do.

No, I don't.

I just assumed
that since I'm happy
when you're happy,

you should be happy
when I'm happy.

But, mom, you're
making a mistake.

This is my life!

Well, maybe... Whoa!

Look, Patrick happens
to be one terrific guy.

Mom, when he's ,
you'll be .

Look, I'm not marrying him.
I'm only sleeping with him!

Hey, hey, hey!

If you do marry him,
when he's ,
you'll be .

[THERESA SPUTTERS]
Whoa! Whoa!

JAMIE: When he's ,
you'll be .

When he's ,
you're gonna be .

Now that should be the
worst problem in my life
that I ever have,

that I'm a -year-old woman
dating a younger man.

All right. Mom...

What is it you want
me to do, Jamie, huh?

Do you want me to go home
and sit in my room alone
for the next years?

No, no, no.
Of course not, no.

Well, all right.

I'm sorry.

It's okay.

Um, Patrick, I'd like
to apologize to you
as well.

Hold that notion
for a moment
if you would, Jamie.

It's, uh,
curtain-call time.

Oh, sure. Fine.
Is that all right?

Oh, go,
go, go.

Should we...

Okay. Okay,
okay, okay.

[MABEL STARTS CRYING]
Oh, oh, oh,
I know that sound.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Oh, and I also
know that, sadly,

Mommy doesn't knock.

Oh, please, let it be
a soliciting wet nurse.

Uh...

Boy, they played
their little hearts out,
Paulie.

I really felt for 'em,
you know,

but they'll always be
champions to me.

Hey, you got change
for a ?

I got a big problem here.
What?

Baby is starving.
Jamie's not home yet.

So what's the big deal?
Give her a bottle.

Oh, you don't understand
a thing, do you?

It's a very big deal.
We've never given her
a bottle.

Haven't given her
a bottle ever.

And, you know,
for Jamie,

emotionally,
that's a big step.

[MABEL CRYING]
Yeah.

Okay, okay. You wanna
go back in here?

Okay, okay.

[DOORBELL BUZZES]
You just...
All right.

Well, you know...

Sweetie, if I could lactate,
you'd be so happy.

And I'd be in a circus.

Oh! Fixer!
IRA: What?

Corrupter!

I don't know
what you're
talking about.

Don't you lie
to me, fixer!
I saw you smirking

after every
Red Wing goal.
Didn't!

I saw you
high-fiving Marvin.
Wouldn't!

I saw you
take that
wad of money

from the father
from the other team.

You saw that,
did you?
Fixer!

All right, Frannie, come on.
We apologize. We really do.

We?
Yeah, Paulie,
Marvin and I,

we've made
a horrible mistake.
Hey!

You?
A father,
in on it?!

No. No!
You ruiner, you!

You adverse
influencer!

Okay. First of all,
you calm down.

And also, by the way,
you're a heck of a guy.

Boys, do you have something
to say to the two Mr. Buchmans?

[IN UNISON]
Thank you,
Mr. Buchmans.

No, no,
the other thing!

Tell the two Mr. Buchmans
how disillusioned you are.

[IN UNISON]
Our hearts are broken,
Mr. Buchmans.

I hope
it was worth it.

Fran, I...
Frannie, please...

Don't even try it.
I break with thee.

Both of thee.
[MABEL CRYING]

And for God's sake,
that baby's hungry.
Feed her.

Frannie, before
you break with me,
one quick question.

Jamie's late,
so do you think...

Do you think
it would be okay if,
without asking her first

I gave the baby the bottle
for the first time?

You're gonna do that?

I'm thinking I might.

It's a good idea.

P.A.: Ladies and gentlemen,

commuter service
will be temporarily delayed

due to the visit
of Vice President Al Gore.

God!

Are you okay?
Oh, yeah.

My kid is hungry.

No, no, no.
I'm nursing.

My daughter's at home,
and she's hungry.

Oh, man.
How old?

Three Months.

You know,
you really
should consider

introducing
the bottle.

Okay, you know...
You know
I'm just saying,

three months,
at a certain point,
you gotta cut the cord.

And the last time
you gave birth
would be when?

By the way,
five across
is not "Gridma."

All right,
all right, all right.

"What to do
if your baby
is hungry

"and your wife said
she'd be home in an hour

"and turns out
she's a big fat liar."

Amazingly,
they don't have that.

Paulie, books suck.

You know what,
give me the phone.

All right,
here we go.

Let her suck on your finger,
'cause it pacifies her.

Are you serious?

No, that's
a big prank.

[SKEPTICAL]
Okay.

Wow! She could
take my arm off
at the elbow.

Hello.
PAUL: Hey, Pop.

Hey, it's me.
Is mom there?

No, she's at the damn
pottery barn again.

Okay, this is really more
of a mom question.

Club soda,
and feather it
with a tissue.

Uh, no, I don't think
that's gonna work here.

Here's the problem:
Jamie's not home yet,
the baby's hungry.

And we've never given her
the bottle yet,

and Jamie really
wants it that way,

so I don't even know
what I'm supposed to do.

Feed her.

You think?
Let me tell you
a little story.

Your mother was dead set
against getting
an electric can opener.

Dead set. It was
the antichrist to her.

PAUL: Yeah.
I bought it.

She never even noticed it.

Pop, you're
a very smart man.

Sure.
Okay, thanks, bye.

[PHONE BEEPS]

All right,
you know what?

You watch the baby.
I'm gonna make
the formula.

This is amazing.
She can totally
hang from my finger.

For God's sake.

What goes in first,
the powder or the water?

Huh? The water,
the water,

'cause you gotta
stir the water

while you
add in the powder.

Just dump it in first.

Paulie,
what smells, huh?

That's this.
That's what
it smells like.

That can't be right.
Everything for
a baby smells good.

What... What's
the expiration date?

No, that's exactly

how it's
supposed to smell.

I...I read
about this.

Yeah?
Yeah, I know
what I'm doing.

[MABEL FUSSING]
I know what I'm doing.
Yes, I do.

Yes, I do.
How's the temperature?

Temperature?
Yeah?

That's not bad.
Yeah? Taste it.

How is it?

You long
for the days

when you were
just smelling it.

Okay. Here we go,
here we go.

We're gonna be
all right.

Daddy has made
such a feast for you.

Oh, my goodness,
a feast.

It's gonna be
all right.

It's gonna be
a little different,

but it's gonna
be all right.

Paulie, are you
sure about this?
Yes.

Really?
Yes. Would you
shut up?

My child is hungry,
and I'm gonna feed her.

Just... Just sit down
and don't talk.

All right.
Okay, here we go.
Here we go.

All right. Look what
daddy made for you.

It's Father's milk.

Try it. You might like it.

You might like it.

Yeah.

Oh, look at that.

Look at that.

Ohh. This is great.

Can I do it?

Could you possibly have
like the smallest sense
of the moment, please?

Sorry.

Yeah.

That's my girl.

[DOOR OPENS]

Ohhh, thank God.

Sorry, but we were
really, really hungry.

Starving.
And so I'm sorry,

really sorry,
really sorry.

Thank God
you did it.
Really?

Well, looks like
she likes it.

Yeah, okay, but now
that you're home...

No, no,
no, no.

Really?
Go ahead.

You sure?

You're doing great.

[CHUCKLES]
Okay.

All right.
Mmm.

Ow!

Ooh!
Kidding.

I'm just so glad
you're here,

'cause I've wanted
shepherd's pie

for, like,
five scenes now.

I never got it,
don't know how to do it,

So just... Thank you.
So, what do we do?

Well, first
you add your suet.

Suet. Okay.
There you go.

Then you put in
your kidneys.

Kidneys.

Don't be shy.
Put 'em all in.
All right.

Do you have
any more entrails?

PAUL: Entr...
JAMIE: I don't...

No, no entrails.

All right. Then put
in the stick of butter.

Butter.

Now you add
your gristle.

Gristle?
Yes.

Well, you're
the shepherd.

[GOAT BLEATS]

I'm just so glad
you're here,

'cause I wanted
shepherd pie

for, like,
five scenes now.

I never got it,
and I don't know
how to do it,

So just... Thank you.
So, what do we do?

Well, first
you add your suet.

Suet. Okay.

There you go.

Then you put
in your kidneys.

Kidneys.

Don't be shy.
Put 'em all in.
All right.

Do you have any
more entrails?

Entr...
I don't...

No, no entrails.

All right. Then put
in the stick of butter.

Butter.

Now, you add
your gristle.

Gristle?
Yes.

Well, you're
the shepherd.

[GOAT BLEATS]
Post Reply