06x11 - Good Old Reliable Nathan

[bunniefuu]

And then we'll
baby proof the rest
of the apartment.

We'll shorten all
the telephone cords,

because, of course,
the child could
accidentally

pull the phone
down onto herself.

God, I never
thought of that.

I've seen it happen.

Oy.

Then we'll putty down
all your pictures

and your bric-a-brac.

The bric-a-brac?

Bric-a-brac could
hurt a person?

I've seen it happen.

All right. Listen,
we have a guest
coming shortly

then we'll magnet-lock
all your wall unit doors,

just like we did to
the kitchen cabinets
and drawers.

There's nothing in there
but videotape.

My friend, she could
yank one out,

Unravel it, twirl it.

Oh, I don't
think she...

I've seen it happen.

We'll need to do something
with this wine rack here.

We should just
get rid of that,

'cause we never
drink anymore.

That's true, I'm still
breastfeeding,

he's got
this tannin allergy.

Yeah, so you
can imagine

imagine the wild Saturday
nights around here.

Okay. Well, I'm gonna
go downstairs

and get the rest
of my stuff,

and then we'll
get started.

Thank you so much.
Thanks.

I'll take a wild guess,

This guy's bathtub

covered with
those rubber daisies.

You think?

Honey, he's your
baby proofer.

You want him to be
a paranoid freak.

I guess.
I suppose so.
Hey, hey.

Professor Twilley
is gonna be here,
like, any minute.

Twilley?

Yeah. Professor Twilley.

Isn't that funny...
Nathan Twilley.

That's the guy
whose class
I'm speaking at.

By the way,

I invited him back here
after class for lunch,

'cause he knows
a lot of critics.

And I just think
the more I suck up,
the better.

Yeah, perfect.

Did I tell you
the subject?
v*olence in film.

So I'm gonna talk
about Pulp Fiction.

I figured it was
a great idea.

I'll talk about
the character
Marsellus

And the foot rub
and how... what?

Wow. Nathan Twilley.

Nathan Twilley.
Why, you know him?

Um, I know who he is.

He taught at Yale
when I was there.

Of course.
So you know him.

Yeah, uh, took
his class, actually.

Oh, so you know him.

Yeah, I sort of
know him
a little bit...

Socially.

Good. Then you
know him.

Yeah. We were pretty
darn social, actually.

I understand.
So you know him.

Yeah...

Honey?

Oh.

Oh, so you...
You know him.

I know him,
yes, I do.

Wow.
Yes.

Well, that's something.

Yeah.

That's interesting.

Boy, that just
doesn't seem right.

I mean, that's
an Ivy League school.

Honey, once
the lights go out,

nobody cares
what you got
on your SATs

That's such a cliche,
you know,

a college professor
taking advantage
of his position

and swooping down on
an innocent young...

No, no, no.
He did not swoop.

There was
no swooping.

No, he swooped.

No. I pursued him.

He was so sexy
and brilliant.

He had this, like,
electric mind.

And he was kind
and sensitive.

You know what, honey,
big swooper.

No.
Yes.

I would sit there
every Wednesday
in the same place,

second row
on the end

and I would
flirt with him,

The whole class long.

I would smile.
I'd do this
sensual thing,

This little
hand thing.
It was me.

What do you mean?
What did you do
with your hands?

Whatever. This little...
it was a hand thing.

Whatever. Nothing.

Now you've gotta tell me
what the hand thing is.

I would go...

Here is the church...

Here is the steeple,

open the door and see
all the people.

I have got to have you
right now.
All right, you know what?

It was very, very sexy
at the time.

Sweetie, can I
tell you something?

He swooped down,
and you was swooped upon.

No.

Hey, there.
Hi, Nat.

I was the one
who was hungering

for my first
sexual experience.

Ho, ho, there.

What? What?

I didn't want
to waste myself

on some frat boy
who'd never...

Have I come
at a bad time?

'Cause I
could just...

No, no,
no, no.

So this is the guy
who took your virginity?

[STAMMERING]

I could just
face west.

Honey, is this
upsetting you?

No. It's just,
you know,

It's just news. That's...

No, it's not upsetting me,
'cause it's a long time ago.

And listen,
you graduated, so...

With, I'm gonna guess,
an "A" in film.

Am I right?

Hey, listen,
onward we move.

All right.
Don't worry about it.

Is it gonna
be awkward
for you, though?

I mean, that's...
Being around a guy who

opened the door
and saw
all those people?

No. No,
it'll be fine.

You sure?
'Cause no kidding,
that's a very odd thing

to be around an
old sexual partner.

♪ Alouette

♪ Gentille alouette ♪

Honey, it was
one night.

Oh.

One solitary

incredible night.

He was
a phenomenal lover.

All right, all right.
I'll bite.

What?

Why? Why phenomenal?

He had a gift.

Okay, okay.

What do you mean?
What kind of gift?

It was a gift,
whatever it was.
It was a gift.

Not "whatever it was."
Now, come on,

Now you have to tell me
what the gift was.

He,

without touching you,

with, with everybody
fully clothed,

He could
stare at you,

This long,
focused stare

and he could
bring a woman
to orgasm.

Well, Merry Christmas.
That's a gift.
Yeah.

No, no, no.
Nat, no.

No need for that.

Nat.

NAT: Yeah, if I might,

because then you
can just finish
your fight.

Come on, uh...

Come on, Murray.

Come on, Murray,
the, um, dog.

Honey, promise me
this isn't
upsetting you.

I'm really not upset.

Because, A, it was
way before my time,

and, two,
you know, listen,

although I use
my eyes for more
conventional purposes,

like, for example, seeing,

I happen to be
totally secure in
my sexual prowess.

And well
you should be.

And by the way,

You know, I had
wonderful teachers
in college, too.

I'm sure you did.
Didn't sleep with them.

I didn't sleep with them.
I would just ask them things,

Like, hey, when
is the final?

But, you know,
that's me.

[DOOR BUZZER]
Where you going?

Run a comb
through my hair.

Okay, you fix
yourself up nice,

and I'll welcome
into our home

the first man with whom
you ever slept.

Hello, Paul.

Professor Twilley.

I have just heard
so much about you.

Really?

Yeah. Please.
Please, come on in.

Please.
You know my wife,
I believe.

Jamie Buchman.

Nee Stemple.

Hello.

Actually, no.

I don't believe I've
had the pleasure.

Nathan Twilley.

Nathan.

Think back.

Okay.

Yale.

Nineteen eighty-four.

Postmodern cinema.

Second row on the end.

Uh...

I'm terribly sorry.

I just don't recall.

Hey, no staring.

IRA: Hello.
Can I help you?

Hi. Um, I'm looking
for a Mr. Ira Buchman.

Hey, you got him.

Oh, hi.

I'm Cheryl Gendelman.

Gendelman.
Gendelman.

How do I know
that name?

I'll give you a hint.

"Max Gendelman,

"Loving husband
to Minnie.

"Devoted father of Toots
and Leon Gendelman.

- ."

Wait a minute.
I know that epitaph.

Yes, of course you do.

The Buchmans
and the Gendelmans

have adjoining
burial plots

at the gates of
Damascus cemetery.

Ah. Nice to meet you.
Yeah.

Nice to put the face
together with the stone.

Um, here's
the thing.

My cousin, Leon,
passed away suddenly
over the weekend,

And, um,
his last words were,

"Bury me sideways."

So we promised that,
that we would.

Well, it's, uh, a little
out of the ordinary.

Well, in order
to bury him sideways,

we need another plot.

Um, specifically
that of a mister

"Paul, Paul Buchman."

Paulie?

Yeah.

No. I don't think
Paulie's gonna
go for that.

But I tell you what,
why don't you
do this?

Why don't you take
your cousin Leon,

you bury him regular,

but you tell him
that you're gonna
bury him sideways.

[SOBBING]

Oh.

I didn't mean to...

All right.
Hey, hey, hey.
How about this?

Sideways,
but folded nicely.

[LOUD SOBBING]

Okay. Bad idea.

I've just had
a really difficult
couple of days,

and I just need
a little compassion, okay?

Okay, okay.

[WHIMPERING]
Do you think
it would be...

What? What?

Would it be okay

if we just went for
a cup of coffee
or something?

Sure, yeah. Yeah.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Hi.

Hi.

Did I miss it?
I hope I didn't miss it.

No, it didn't
even start yet.

Oh, good.

PAUL: So, what do you think?

This looks like a crowd
that would like to hear

a talk about
Pulp Fiction,huh?

How could he not
remember me?

'Cause you were easy?

Seven Beauties
to me was the film

that, although flawed
in some respects,

put Lina Wertmuller
on the map because it...

[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

Because it...

Because it...

Because it unified comedy
and political philosophy

in a manner in which
could reach the masses?

Uh, yeah.

Would you all
excuse me
just one moment?

Jamie.

Yes.

[LAUGHS]

I am so sorry.

Of course
I remember you.

Well, thank God.

That was quite
a night.

It was, wasn't it?

I'll say.
[LAUGHS]

I'm sorry,
it's entirely
inappropriate

for me to talk
about it now.

You're married,
you have a child.

I'm very happy
for you.

Thank you.

Wait a minute.
Does Paul
know about...

Uh-huh.

Does he know that
it was your

world premiere?

Yeah, uh-huh.
[LAUGHS]

Good Lord.

Jamie, don't you
have a diary or
a clergyman

you could talk
to about this
kind of thing?

I don't think
he believed me
about the stare.

Oh, my God.
You told him
about the stare?

[EXHALES]
Are you crazy?

He's fine about it,
Nathan, really.

[SIGHS] Jamie, Jamie,
a man may tell you

that he's untroubled
by being in the company

of the man who first
made love to his wife,

who first
took her to places

both physically
and emotionally

that she had never
been before,

in ways that
she had never
got there before

or, I'm going to
go out on a limb
and say, since.

Yeah.

But believe me,

such a man is
just putting up
an antic disposition.

In his heart,
he's filled
with rage.

Nah.

Oh, you had to do
the stare, didn't you?

Couldn't help yourself,
could you, stud?

No. Idiot!

Ladies
and gentlemen,

would you please
help me welcome

the director of
a wonderful
new film, Buchman,

Mr. Paul Buchman.

[APPLAUDING]

Thank you, thank you,
professor,

for those kind words.

You know, today's subject
being v*olence in film,

I thought we could discuss
one of the more jolting films

in recent memory,
Pulp Fiction.

Now, if you recall,
in the beginning
of the film,

we hear of a man
named Marsellus,

who has thrown a guy
through a window

simply because the guy
massaged the foot

of Marsellus' wife.

So, think about that.

Think about that.

Marsellus was willing
to take a man's life

and violently,

violently,

just because
the guy rubbed
his wife's toes.

Now, that gets
your attention,
doesn't it?

Doesn't it?

Mmm mmm mmm.

IRA: So, Cheryl,
tell me something.

What is it with you
Gendelmans and sideways?

So, you don't think
you're going to have
any trouble

getting Paul
to sign over
his burial plot?

Oh, no problem.

He'll understand.

You're a good soul.

IRA: Mmm-mmm.

Oh, I'm glad I already
have a burial plot,

'cause you're k*lling me.

"Die!

"Die, pig!

"That'll teach you
to massage the foot

Of the wife of another man."

"Revenge is mine."

Um, yeah, thank you.
Thank you very much.

Thank you,
Mr. Buchman.

Wasn't that
wonderful?

Just could make
your hair
stand on end.

Well, thank you.

Well, I guess
that's it.
Class dismissed.

Sweetie,
that was great.

I gave it a sh*t.

JAMIE:
So, what do you say?

Ready for lunch?
Oh, you know what?

[STAMMERING]
I don't think that I can.

Of course you can.
We're going to pick
stuff up on the way home.

I...[STAMMERING]

Come on,
a little socializing
wouldn't k*ll you.

[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]

No, no, really.

You know what it is?

I forgot I have
student conferences.

What students here
would like to have
a conference?

Student conferences
being held right now.

Extra credit for any student
who would like to confer.

I urge you to
do it right now

for both
our sakes, please.

Now. Help me

help you.

So, lunch?

Uh-huh.

After you.

Great.

Been looking forward
to this a long time.

JAMIE: I can't believe
the elevator's still out.

Set it down
anywhere.

[GRUNTING]

I am so hungry,

I could eat, like,
a fried human being.

Me, too. Very hungry.
Yeah.

Let me take
your coat,
professor.

I'll just
hang it up.

Oh, this is going to be
irritating, honey.

Any thoughts?

Boy, I just
don't know.

Just had the place
baby proofed.

Oh.

I'm not even sure
what we were supposed...

Oh!

Oh, professor,
I'm so sorry.

Ah, I'm fine.

Let's put some
ice on that.
That would be nice.

This baby proofing
just gets,

look at this.
Proofs everything,

then he leaves
a nail g*n out.
How careless is that?

[NAIL g*n FIRES]
[EXCLAIMS IN SURPRISE]

Oh!
Oh, honey!

Oh, my God!

Oh, let me
apologize.

I am so sorry.

It's okay.
Are you sure?

Oh, yes.
Let's get you
some ice.

[DOORBELL BUZZES]
That would be good.

JAMIE: I'll put
some ice on that,
fix you right up.

[DOORBELL BUZZES]
I loved that vase.

Hey.
Hey, splink.

Your elevator is out.

Yeah, I know, I know.

Paulie, listen,
if I asked you
to sign something

without telling you
what it was,
would you do it?

What?
Of course, yeah.

If I told you
it was really
important to me

and just to trust me
and sign it without
asking any questions,

Would you do it?

Of course.

Okay, good.
Sign this,
would you?

What is it?

I'm so sorry
that happened.

Ah, what are you
going to do?

PAUL: What,
are you crazy?
IRA: What?

PAUL: Are you out
of your mind?

Listen to me,

I want that
burial plot.

I need that
burial plot.

I plan to make
very good use of
that burial plot.

I don't care if this guy
is cut up and buried
in sections, all right?

[THUDS]
[GASPS]

All right, boss,
I got it.

I wish I could remember
what I did with those
ice packs.

How about
I go buy one?

No, no, no,
I'll find it.

[SIGHS]
He's so...

Ow!
Oh, did I hurt you again?

It's okay.
No problem.

[SCREAMING]

It's off. It's off.

Not hot.
Not hot. See?

Honey, what did we do
with those ice packs?

The ice packs?

They're under the sink.
I'll get it.

No, no,
I'll get it.

No, there's no reason
you should do that.

Please, I will get it.
I will do the getting.

The getting
will be done by me.

Sure.

Boy, this is tricky.

Yeah, that's
what I'm saying.

This guy puts
these magnets
on every door.

The trick is you got
to swivel the magnet

just till you get it to
the exact right spot.

Ow! Oh!

What a day
you're having, huh?

Don't touch me,
please. I'm fine.

I'm sorry.

It's perfectly all right.
But I really should be going

Because I'm...
[SHOUTS] Cold!

Ow! Cold!

Oh, you poor thing.

Ooh.

Okay, it's okay.
I'm so terribly sorry.

We've got to get you
something to eat.

What I need is liquor
and a lot of it.

So, what did
Paul say?

He said, "No."

I got to go.

What?

I have to go
find a member

of the, uh,
Cowchuck family.

Cowchuck?

The burial plot
on the other side.

All right, some
lovely beverages.

Jamie?

No, no, that's
the professor's.

Oh.

That's yours.
That's mine.
That's yours.

Thank you.

You know, that class
was such an honor
for me today,

It's such a thrill.

Because when
I saw those kids,

they seemed like
they were captivated.
They were really...

Oh, no, no,
you don't want mine.

That's just grape juice
in there.

Oh?

Yeah, I have
an allergy to tannin.

So, I couldn't, uh...
What, are you
trying to k*ll me?

[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]

But I really felt
they were hanging
on my every word.

No, no, no,
no, no, no.

Still breast-feeding.

Ah. Oh.
You know what?

I'd like to make
a toast if I might,

to, uh,

to v*olence in film.

Come on,
drink up,
drink up.

Ah-choo!

Oh, golly,
I'm so sorry.

Let me get
something...

Oh, no, no, no,
I'll get some...

[BREATHING HEAVILY] Ah...

For God sake,
buy a bigger cord!

[SCREAMING]

Got to get to the gym.

Got to get out.
Got to get free!

[CRASHING]

Professor,
what was...

Back off!
[SHRIEKS]

I'm busting
out of here!

[LAUGHING MANIACALLY]

Not safe!

Not safe!

Not safe here at all!

[BOTH SCREAMING]

Who are you?

I work for
the Buchmans.

I clean up
the messes.

Aah!

What kind of
coat is that?

What is it,
some sort of
g*ng uniform?

This is goose down.

Sorry, I forgot the g*n.
[DOORBELL BUZZES]

Ah! [LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY]

It's a chamber
of horrors!

Run fast!

It's all a
terrible mistake!

I don't know
what's it
with this place.

JAMIE:
Nathan, please!

I'm warning you,
people will come
looking for me!

Just leave me alone!

Nathan!
NATHAN: Stand back!

[JAMIE WHIMPERS]

He's on the roof of
the elevator car there.

That I've never
seen happen.

PAUL: Well, give me
your hand.

Not on your life.
Get away from me.

[WHIRRING]

Thank you for
a lovely lunch.

So, he was your first.
Uh-huh.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

Anything at all?

Give it up,
will you?
I know.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

Anything at all?

Give it up, will you?
I know.