06x17 - The Caper

[bunniefuu]

Okay. We have
hors d'oeuvre trays

and no room
in the refrigerator.

You know what
we gotta do?

We just gotta
pick a weekend,

unplug the phone,
and eat jam.

Honey, every year, and this
is no reflection on you,

your birthday party stinks.

But it's no reflection
on me.

This year
we've taken steps.

We got happy birthday
decorations,

we've got very cute
festive happy birthday
earrings,

and we've got really
good hors d'oeuvres!

We're gonna have
a great time.

Yeah, and if they don't,
just bark at 'em like that,
'cause that helps.

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

That's the cake.
Oh, yeah, the cake.

We may have to borrow
a refrigerator.

I'm not gonna borrow
a refrigerator.

I'm sure we'll figure out
some way to make room.
Yeah.

Comin' through!

Ohh...

Okay. That's a big cake.

From what I hear, Paul,
your birthday parties

need all the help
they can get.

That's very nice,
Marvin.

Do me a favor.
Go in the hall,

see if maybe you
dropped your tact.

Paulie, your birthday party
is not a reflection on you.

[MARVIN GROWLING]

Marvin! Don't
antagonize the dog.

He started it.

Hey, James,
is it all right

if I bring Catherine
here tonight?

[MARVIN GROWLING]
Marvin!

What?

Who's Catherine, now?

She's new.
That's the rich one?

Yeah, you gotta
take her to, like,

$ restaurants every time,

or she can't digest.

[MURRAY GROWLS]
[SCREAMING IN PAIN]

Murray! Bad dog!

Bad guest!

Are you all right?

Pain! Deep pain!
Pain in the hand!
All right, all right.

Let me just look at it.

Marvin, it's nothing.
He barely broke the skin.

Oh, my God!

Has that dog
had its sh*ts?

It's Murray.
Yeah, he's had his sh*ts.

How about you?
Have you had your sh*ts?

All right, all right.
Settle down.

Marvin, come on.
We'll take a look
at that hand.

Ooh! Aah! Aah!

Hal and Maggie's.

"Hal and Maggie's" what?

We'll use
their refrigerator.

Hal and Maggie? Really?

Why not?

Well, A, they hate us,

and two, they really
don't like us.

Just follow my lead.

Yes?
Hi!

Hi!

Can I help you?

Uh, well, we hadn't
heard back from you

about Paul's
birthday party tonight,

so we were just wondering
if you were coming.

Yeah, just checkin' up
to see, uh, see
if you're coming.

You're inviting
Hal and me to your
birthday party?

Did you not get
the invitation?

No.

Oh, my goodness.

Oh, my goodness.

Those...

Those, those bastard postmen.
That's what it is.

Hal!
[IMITATING expl*si*n]

The allied forces
at Bastogne
are surrounded.

[IMITATING a*tillery expl*si*n]

Hal, darling,
we have company.

Oh. Hello.

Did we receive
an invitation to Paul's
birthday party tonight?

You're joking,
of course.

No, no, no.
We sent it.

Yeah, I can prove it.
I have the,
I saved the, uh,

I still have the, uh...

We sent it. We did.

Well, if you're not busy,
we'd love you to come.

Oh, well, actually,
we are...

We'd be delighted!

That's great! We'll
see you tonight.

This is a beautiful
place, by the way.

God, look at these.
Are these linen napkins?
Gorgeous napkins.

Yes. I only
keep linen ones.

Honey, look at that.
Look at that.

Yes, it's a Cezanne
lithograph.

I got it in the divorce
settlement with
my second husband Hal.

Isn't it grand?

It really is.

It really is.
Well, we'd better go.

We got hors d'oeuvres
all over the house.
Yeah.

In fact, do you...

Do, do you have
any extra room
in your fridge?

In our fridge?
Oh, no...

Of course, we do.

You're a lifesaver.
Mmm-uah!

So glad you're coming.

Mmm-uah!
Very, very glad.

Ta!

Not that I'm not in
true awe of your skill,

but don't you feel
a little dirty now?

We do what we have to do.
All right.

So, Catherine...

So, Ira...

Are your cousin's
birthday parties
always this

punishing?

Sadly, yes.

Why do you think
that is?

Secretly, I think
it's a reflection on him.

Are you having fun?

Oh, yes!
Oh, boy.

Good.

What do you say
we kick this party
in the butt a little bit?

Yeah? What you
got in mind?
Come here.

Next door,
in Hal and Maggie's
refrigerator,

we have barbecued
buffalo wings.

Well, hold on
to your hats.

Just go.

Hello, Paul.

Hey, Marv...

Marvin, what are you doing?
Murray barely nipped you.

You look like
Stubby, the Gauze King.

I am in tremendous pain,

to say nothing
of my mental anguish.

Oh, really?
What are you gonna do?
Are you gonna sue me now?

Yup, for . million.
You get served
the papers on Monday.

Are those double-stuffed
mushroom caps?

Get out of there.

Okay. Let the merriment begin.

Buffalo wings, anyone?

ALL: No.

Alrighty, then. I tried.

Who doesn't like
little buffalo wings?

I know. James,
you got, like, a...

Yeah, there you go.

Thank you.
Oh, by the way,

did you see that Cezanne
they got over there?

Yeah, it's nice.

What time is it?
: .

Oh, Sweet Lord
Almighty.

Hey, guys.
BOTH: Hi!

What's new
with you?

Oh, nothin' much.
We re-wallpapered.

Really?

Spent way too much.

Uh-huh.

Yeah.

What do you say we
get this party goin'?

Oh, please!
Come with me.

Next door, in Hal and
Maggie's refrigerator,

you will find
authentic

mini-Philadelphia
cheese steak
sandwiches!

Look out!
Wow.

You have insurance,
don't you, Paul?

Marvin, I have insurance,
but that's not the point.

What you're doing,
that's wrong.

It's litigious,

and it's, it's icky,
frankly.

It makes me think that
you're a bad person,

and maybe somebody that
I shouldn't have invited
to my birthday party.

I love little hot dogs.
Get outta there.

Okay, everybody,

authentic Philadelphia
mini cheese steak
sandwiches.

ALL: No.

No, not today.
No, thanks.

Hey, did you see
that Cezanne?

Yeah, I know.
It's very nice.

Do you think Paul's
cruddy birthday parties
are a reflection on him?

No! It's her!

At bottom,
she's not a giver.

Hey, guys.
Are you having fun?

Oh, yeah!
Oh, ho, ho!

Good.

So, what's new
in the world of
Burt and Sylvia?

Well, Burt
pledged a fortune

to the Red Cross
walkathon.

Really?

He didn't realize that
you pledge per mile.

It's so complicated.

In my day,
you wrote a check.

What are you talking?
This is your day.

Anyway, we got this terrific
little Red Cross penknife.

Huh.

Hey, what would
you guys say

if I told you, next door
at Hal and Maggie's,

this is my ace
in the hole,

we have fish pockets?

I would say, "wow."

Okay. Come on!

Marvin, according
to my insurance,

I am not covered
for earthquakes, floods,

or "the misdeeds
of God's creatures,"

of which Murray
is apparently one.

I'm really sorry, Paul.

If there's anything
I can do to help,
please let me know.

Well, uh, and this is
just a thought,

you could drop
the lawsuit.

That I cannot do.

Marvin.
I love Cajun popcorn.

Well, you're not
gettin' any.

Hey, everybody,
fish pockets!

ALL: No.

No, thanks.

Did you get a load
of that Cezanne?

I saw it. I saw it.

Lovely party,
isn't it?

Grand.

Excuse me.

Mrs. Buchman,
do you have a bathroom?

No, I'm afraid not.

Yes, we do.
Right through there.

PAUL: Hey, Murray,
come here. Come here.

k*ll! k*ll!
k*ll the guest.

What are you doing?
That dog's crazy.

No, no, no!
Put him in the kitchen.

All right, Murray,
get in the kitchen.

Not him. You. Marvin,
get in the kitchen.

Come on.
Come with me.

We're leaving
our own party?

We're gonna get
the birthday cake.

Ooh. Birthday cake.

Did I miss anything?

Oh, don't be silly.

Okay, who wants to go home?

What do we do?

We could just
make a run for it.

No, no. I got it.
This what we do.

We turn all the clocks
and our watches ahead
two hours.

That way, Paul
and James come back,

somebody says, "Oh, my gosh,
what happened to the time?"
And we blow.

Oh, Ira, you're
a big genius.

Hey, hey, Marvin!
Change the clock
on the microwave.

MARVIN: I heard
the whole thing!

Next year, we're just
gonna send them a card.

For us, it's just
an honor to be here.

IRA: All right, everybody.

Here we go.

Everybody set?
Yeah.

Here we go. Cake time!

ALL: Yay!

Oh, wow! Look at that!

Oh, don't you
traditionally have
candles on your cake?

Well, you know,
after a certain age,

really, you're just
startin' a fire.

Oh, let us lend you
some candles.

It'll be much more
fulfilling.

Great! Thank you.
Thank you.

[YAWNING] Oh, boy.
Gettin' late, huh?

Oh, yeah.

What do you mean?
Is that clock right?

Yeah. Jeez, I think
we gotta hit the road, huh?

No, no, no, no.

Just a minute!
No one's going anywhere.

Our Cezanne
has been stolen.

[EVERYBODY GASPS]

It's been cut right
out of the frame,

and we found this
on the floor
beneath it.

A happy birthday earring.

Oh, my God.

J'accuse!

Ha ha. Very funny.
We stole the Cezanne.

Wait a minute.
You two were alone when
you went to get the cake,

and that earring,
it does speak volumes.

MARVIN: Plus, right now,
you need the money!

You know, this is
interesting, Ira.

It's very interesting
that you would accuse us
of stealing.

That's interesting.
It's interesting,
isn't it?

Oh, it is.
That is interesting.
It's interesting.

Why is that
interesting?

How do we know
you didn't steal
the Cezanne?

What, me?
That's right. Yeah.

You, too. You were
in there by yourself.

And you, too, need money.

You said yourself,
Catherine is costing you
a fortune.

Honey.
Hey!

I'm just saying, don't you
go pointing a finger.

Plus, you commented
on the Cezanne

when you came back
from the apartment.

James, I did not
steal the painting,
all right?

Huh.

Huh.

I'm sure you didn't.

I'm sure you didn't,
Ira, but, you know,
just...

Just indulge me.
Refresh my memory
a little bit.

Specifically,
which hors d'oeuvre was it

that you were sent
in there to fetch?

"To fetch." I was
sent in to fetch
the buffalo wings.

Buffalo wings.

Interesting.
Hal, if I might,

Let me see that frame.

All right.
Mmm-hmm.

Okay. Hal, would you
say that that's
some type of sauce?

It may be a sauce.

[EVERYBODY GASPS]

Ira, when you
came back
from the apartment,

you wiped your hand
with a paper towel,
did you not?

Yeah.
Was it...

This paper towel?

I-I don't know.

Freeze, Ira.
You stay right there.

Don't you move.

Maggie, will you please
taste the sauce?

I most certainly
will not!

All right, will you smell
the sauce?

[SNIFFING]

Does that sauce
match the sauce

on the lithograph frame?

[SNIFFING]
Yes.

[EVERYBODY GASPS]

Okay, okay, okay.

I'll tell you what happened.
I went in to get the wings.

And on the way out, I spilled a little wing sauce.

So I cleaned it up,
but after I was done,

I had noticed that the Cezanne was a little tilted,

And, you know,
being an art lover,

I-I straightened it up.

I guess I had some sauce
on my fingers,

and that's how it got
on the frame.

So forgive me if,
in my thoughtfulness,

I besmirched anything
in any way.

Well, that's a very
lovely story, indeed.

But one little detail
puzzles me.

Tell us, Ira,

exactly with what
did you mitigate
the stain?

What?
What did you use
to clean up the sauce?

Oh, uh, a napkin.

Mmm-hmm, what,
what type of napkin?

An absorbent napkin.

I'm saying,
was it linen or paper?

It was paper. What,
you think I'm gonna
clean up a spill

with nice
linen napkins?

Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Maggie... My darling...

Excuse me.

Tell us...

Do you have
any paper napkins
in your home?

Of course not.

They're for rabble.

So... Excuse me.

So, no paper napkins
in their home.

Would you like to
tell the truth?

All right,
all right, all right.

The truth is, the spill was
a little worse than I said.

No matter what I did,
I couldn't get it out.

So I moved the table over it.

And I had noticed that
the painting was tilted,

so I straightened it,
you know,

to try to make up
for everything.

The part about me
not realizing that I had
sauce on my fingers?

That was absolutely true.

Hal, Maggie, I would
consider it an honor

if you would let me
buy you a new rug.

And new napkins,
even though,
right now, I am

a little
short on cash.

But please believe me,
I did not steal the Cezanne.

Do you believe him?

I suppose so.

So, Paul and Jamie
did steal the painting.

Joan, Joan, Joan,
Joan, Joan.

Isn't it ironic that
you would accuse us
of stealing?

It is so ironic.

You and Debbie were also
alone in the apartment.

Yessss.

And you, also,
professed an admiration
for the painting.

They did?
I'm saying.

And the two of you are
also very short on cash,

because you ran amok
re-wallpapering
your apartment.

Ah, plus,
and this is
interesting,

The minute
you came back here,

you couldn't
wait to leave.

Like you wanted to
just get out of town
with your loot.

Oh! Just hold it
right there.

We went in,
we got the sandwiches.

DEBBIE: We put them
on the dining room table

while we went to look
at the Cezanne.

JOAN: Then we picked
them up and left.

Well...That's
a delicate web
woven, Debowwah.

But one, one little
detail puzzles me.

You say you put
the little mini
steak sandwiches

on the dining room table.

Yeah.

Yeah, that, that, that's
troubling me.

That, that, that's...

Hal...

Excuse me.

At this moment, would you
say there's any room

on your dining room table?

No.
No.

No. And why is that?

What is it that
is taking up

pretty much
every square inch
of your dining table?

The Battle
of the Bulge.

The Battle
of the Bulge. Hmm...

So... What is wrong
with you? Move!
Sorry.

So... There was no
surface to put any mini
steak sandwiches on.

Would you care to revise
your story, ladies?

JOAN: The living room
looked odd.

There was this table
in the middle of everything.

So when Debbie went
and got the sandwiches,

I spruced up a little.

I know,
it's none of my business,

but we're on this damn
decorating kick,

and, well, I just
couldn't help myself.

It was rude
and presumptuous...

But we did not steal
that Cezanne.

[SIGHS] I suppose
I believe them.

Mmm. I suppose so.

Which means that
the real thief is...

We didn't teach you
to steal, Paulie.

Tell us, son,
is it our fault?

Or maybe there was
perhaps another
bad influence

somewhere else
in your life.

Who's saying where?

Sylvia, I can't help
but raise an eyebrow

at the notion that
you would accuse us
of stealing.

Can't help but.

You and Burt
were also alone
in the apartment.

Yesss.
And you two
also need cash,

Thanks to your
goofball philanthropy.

Which you'll
tell me later.
Yeah, I'll tell you later.

Oh, and that handy little
pocket Kn*fe
the Red Cross gave you,

a perfect tool
for the job.

SYLVIA: We went over there,

we got the fish pockets,
And we came back.

Really?

Really?

A tidy tale, Sylvia,
but it seems to me...

Could you move over
a little bit, I...

Sure.

It seems to me you were
over there for at least
three or four minutes.

Yes.
What took so long?

A little crime sidetrack you?

All right, all right.

I looked at
that living room,
and I thought,

"Who could live that way?"

And I had some time,
because the truth is

neither one of us
knew what fish pockets were.

BURT: But, eventually,
I figured it out.

Yes, we rearranged
your living room.

But we did not steal
a Cezanne.

I suppose
I believe them, too.

Well, yes,
all right, but...

What kind of people
are you?

All of which
leaves Paul and Jamie.

Yes.

Why don't you tell
us what happened

when you went
to get the cake?

Sure.

We went in, got the cake,

and on the way out,
I ran my fingers
through my hair,

and the earring came off.

Do you believe them?
No.

Honey...

Oh, Paul, I...

I think it's just best.

Let's just be honest.

Okay.

PAUL: First of all,
the good news,

we thought the living room
looked great.

JAMIE: But when we
got to the apartment,
we felt bad.

I couldn't understand
why the party
was going so poorly.

Had I placed too much
emphasis on food,

or is it just that,
at bottom, I'm not a giver?

PAUL: And I was thinking,
no matter what
your friends tell you,

on some level,
if your birthday stinks,

they think it's
a reflection on you.

JAMIE: And then
I felt a chill
from the open window,

so I got closer to Paul,
and then,

I don't know, maybe
because it was illicit,

maybe just as a last attempt
to salvage the night,

we started to fool around.

Somewhere along the line,
an earring must have come off.

PAUL: We made love,
is what we did.

We made love,
and it was great.

[SCREAMS]

Ohh!

Hal, Maggie,
we're very sorry.

We may have made love
on your couch...

[SCREAMS]

Probably don't say that.

But we did not steal

your Cezanne.
Did not steal.
No, we didn't.

[WAILING]
Do you believe them?

No.

Paul...

No, no, no, no, no.
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
no, no, no.

I think
we should be honest.

Okay.

Well, we were
gonna make love,

but then it struck me,
you know, it's my birthday,

and all anybody's
thinking about is some
stupid Chagall painting.

And then Jamie said,
"No, it's a Cezanne,"

And I said,
"No, I'm pretty sure
it's a Chagall

"Because, Chagall, there's
always cows with the fiddles
and everything."

Jamie said,
"No, it's not a cow,
it's a horse,"

And I said,
"Why do you always
have to make me wrong?"

And then she said,
"Somebody might come in,"

and then at this point,
I'm not exactly
so excited anymore,

and somewhere
in the middle of that,
she lost an earring.

That's what happened.
Is everybody happy now?

That's exactly...
That's the absolute truth.

We wanted to fool around,
but we were woefully
unable to.

Now, if nobody minds,
I'm just going
to go in there

and die of shame.

Well, that's just grand.

You don't believe them?
No.

If you could attempt
copulation on our couch,

you could also steal
a lithograph.

What kind of logic is that?

We, we did not steal
the lithograph.

It's okay, honey.

Hal knows that.
What?

Hal, you know exactly
who stole the Cezanne,

don't you?
You've known all along.

I don't know what
you're talking about.

Oh, really?

Excuse me.

You... Okay, Mom,

let me ask you.

When you went in there
to move around
the furniture,

was the living room
window open or closed?

Closed.
Okay.

I mean, what do you leave
a window open when you...

I understand.
We got it.
Thank you.

Okay, it was closed,

which means somebody
opened that window
after Mom and Dad,

but before Jamie and me.

And why?

Why? Why would someone
open that window
on such a cold night?

To steal that Cezanne.

Isn't that right, Hal?
Certainly not.

But when they climbed in,
they found a table there.

A table they weren't
expecting.

A table over which
they tumbled,

landing, unless
I miss my guess,

right about the spot
where Ira spilled
the buffalo wing sauce.

Which is why I believe

your thief,
ladies and gentlemen,

is the person
with the buffalo wing
sauce stain

on the seat of their pants.

If everybody would just
turn around, please.

Okay?

[EVERYBODY GASPS]

J'accuseyou.

MARVIN: I am shocked!

You pretended
to go to the bathroom,

but instead,
you held it in.

You didn't go
to the bathroom at all.

You climbed out
our fire escape

onto your fire escape,
climbed into your
apartment window,

fell right in the wing sauce.

Big surprise,
cursed a little bit,
I'm gonna guess.

Then you hastened
over to the Cezanne,

cut it right out
of its frame,

rolled it up nicely,

re-hastened to the window,

and tossed Mr. Cezanne
into the night.

Admit it. You stole
your own Cezanne,
didn't you?

Oh, that's ridiculous!

Why would my husband...
Because you...

All right, all right.

I hated
that damn Cezanne.

[EVERYONE GASPS]

It was as if your
second husband Hal
was hanging on that wall.

A smug little cow
looking down at me
every time I passed him,

As if to say,
"You're not the only Hal
to pass this way, Hal."

I told you
it was a cow.

Oh, let it go.

Sorry.

I wanted it out.
Out of the house.

Oh, I'm sorry, Maggie.

I'm sorry, everyone.

I'm, I'm a child
in many ways.

A man-boy, a boy-man.

I'm sorry. I'm...

[CRYING]
I'm truly sorry.

Oh, Hal.

All right,
all right, Hal.

Okay, Hal.
All right, Hally?

Hal, buddy?
That's all right, Hal.

Well, ladies
and gentlemen,
the mystery is solved.

Paulie, I gotta say,
this is, like,

the best birthday party
you ever had.

Absolutely right.

You know,
you gotta admit,
on some level,

it's a reflection on me.

Yes, it is.