06x19 - Fire at Riff's

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Mad About You". Aired: September 23, 1992 – May 24, 1999.*
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Paul and Jamie Buchman face an unexpected challenge after 25 years of marriage when their daughter moves away from home to study at university.
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06x19 - Fire at Riff's

Post by bunniefuu »

[SLOW INSTRUMENTAL
MUSIC PLAYING]

Huh?
What do you think?

It's tomorrow night.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ Tell me why
I love you like I do

♪ Tell me who
can stop my heart

♪ As much as you

♪ Let's take each other's hand

♪ As we jump into
the final frontier

♪ I'm mad about you, baby

♪ Yeah ♪

[SLOW INSTRUMENTAL
MUSIC PLAYING]

Okay, Paulie, here is
the big question.

If you could have
any sandwich
named after you,

what sandwich
would it be?

Tongue.

Really? Why?

Let people wonder.

Paulie, come on.

I'm serious.
Riff told me that when
the new menus come out

he's gonna name
a sandwich after me.

He says that my name
would be perfect
for a sandwich.

Well, you're very blessed.

Hi.

Hi. You know,
we're gonna have to wait
to order.

Uh, I was hoping
to meet my wife here.

Okay. Um...

How about her?

She just broke up
with her boyfriend.

You know,
maybe I wasn't clear.

My wife is gonna
walk in through that door
any minute.

Oh. Okay, well,
that's the spirit.

So what is this,
Paulie?

Is this, like,
the nine millionth time

Jamie's been late
because of that job?

I don't know.
Whatever it is.

You, my friend,
are a prince.

Nah, nah,
I'm not a prince.

It's true.
Look, right now
you bear the brunt

of the child-rearing
responsibilities.

You're incredibly
supportive
of your wife working

even though it takes her
away from you.

You are a prince
among men.

Let's not overstate it, okay?

I'm not a prince.
I'm just a guy
making a sacrifice,

putting my own dreams
on hold for the moment

so that I can help her
make her dreams come true.

I'm a prince
is what I am.

That's what I'm saying.

It's just temporary.

She's going to quit
her job very soon.

Besides, it's not exactly
like people are k*lling
themselves to give me jobs.

No new offers?

I got one. Here you go.
To teach.

So? What's wrong
with that?

To teach?
That's like, you know,
that's code for,

"We've seen your film.
Please don't ever
do that again."

No, no.
That's not true at all.

Whatever. It's some
college or something.

It's not even in America.
What is it, Scotland
or some Godforsaken place?

Paulie...

This letter is from
the University
of Edinburgh.

Yeah. So?

So? That's, like

that's, like,
a prestigious
University.

Yeah, for sheepherding
I'm sure it's terrific.

For film, not so much.

Look, why don't you
find out a little bit
about a place,

just a little bit,
before you mock?

What's the difference
how prestigious it is?

What, I'm going to pick up
my family, I'm going to move
to Scotland?

Some of the prettiest
country on earth,
my friend.

What's that?
Greens and purples,
rolling hills,

Loch ness.

Not to mention
the Northern Lights.

All right, since when
do you know things?

Yeah,
this is Mindy.

Hi.

I've heard so much
about you.

Oh, oh, Ursula,
you know what?

Absolutely. No, I will
leave you two alone.

Um... Um, Mindy?

There's been
a misunderstanding.

Mindy, I'm Ira.
How you doing?

Why don't you
come join us?

Thank you.
You're welcome.
You know what?

This place is gonna
name a sandwich
after me.

Really?
Yeah.

You know, I could...
get you a part

in one of my next films.

So, um...

What kind of sandwich, Ira?

Tongue.

[SLOW INSTRUMENTAL
MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh, boy,
so I'm seeing you
for lunch today?

No, actually,
that was yesterday.

Oh, goodness.

That's okay.
I'm sorry.

Hey, listen, you've been
a little distracted.

Yep. But after today,
no more.

You really gonna quit?

Yep. Just as soon
as I hand in
this last proposal.

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

Okay, that's Joan and Debbie.

I invited them over
to look after Mabel

so you could meet me
for lunch... yesterday.

What am I going to
do with them now?

You'll go out,
you'll get a haircut.

I don't really need
a haircut.
So you'll go bowling.

That's a good idea.
Bowling. That's very good.

Hey, you two.

Hey. Mom told me
your news.

What news?

University of Edinburgh.

Oh...

That's not news.

What news?

I told you.
This college in Edinburgh,
They want me to teach sheep.

That's right.

I told her.
She's been a little
distracted.

You should do it.

I should do it?
What, I should move
to Scotland?

It's just
a big pasture there.

They put up this
University, simply,
like, as a wind break.

I'm sure there's more
to Edinburgh than just
that it's boring.

Paul, the University
of Edinburgh

has one of the finest
film schools in Europe.

All right, what,
are they sending
everybody pamphlets now?

Blue folder,
blue folder,
blue folder.

Haven't seen it,
haven't seen it,
haven't seen it.

Sweetie,
take off your coat.

Oh, that's okay.
You feeling all right?

Yeah, I'm fine.
So take your coat off.

That's okay.

What, do you have
a fever?
No.

Take off your coat.
It's okay.

You have chills?
You feel a chill?
I'm fine.

So take off your coat.

Take off the coat...

Wha...

You don't like it.

No. No, I like it.

I don't even know
If I'm allowed to say
this legally, but...

God bless you.
Look at you.

Nobody asked you.

That's true.
I'm sorry.
That's wrong.

Well, it was supposed
to be a surprise, but...

This afternoon
I'm going to pose for New York Womanmagazine.

Get out!

JAMIE: how did that happen?

Well, they're
doing a spread

on the most eligible
bachelorettes in New York city.

Bachelorettes.

That is so cool.

Really?
Yes.

What, it's not?

Well, see, the thing is,

you're not eligible.

And also, I might add,
not exactly
the kind of bachelorette

they were talking about.

All right, but...
but wouldn't you say
that it's...

It's groovy?

No. No. If I had to
pick a word,

I would say disgusting.

Betraying.

Insulting.

And yet,
at the same time,

Somehow
a little groovy...
I gotta say.

JAMIE: Hey!
What happened?

Blue folder.
There it is,
see?

Listen, I know
this is terrible timing,
but I have to go to work.

That's okay.

I'm sorry to leave you
here with this.

That's okay.
It'll be great.

Listen, you go have
a great last day of work.
I'll see you tonight.

Thank you.
You're a prince.
I get that a lot.

You know what?
You ladies, why don't
you go, too,

'cause Mabel and I...

Eligible.
Would you like to be
eligible?

because that can be
arranged.

Would you guys mind
watching Mabel?

Why do you always
have to get so angry?

Maybe because you fill me
with rage!

I'm in the mood
for a little haircut
and a little bowling.

PAUL: So you
quit your job,
and then what?

So they wished me well
and I left.

How do you feel?

I feel great.

I feel undistracted.

We can do whatever
we want.

Let's go to Scotland.

Hey, don't kid around.
I looked into the place.

Apparently that got,
like, quite a film
community there.

See that? You're starting
to like the idea,
aren't you?

The idea, yeah.
The reality,
I'm sure, bleh.

[BELL OVER DOOR JINGLES]

Oh, lordy.

Oh, the fighting
lesbians.

If I'm not mistaken,

also the name of
the Smith College
ice hockey team.

You know what?
I'm gonna go pee.

Please pee later.

All right.

I did it
because I wanted to.

What about
what I want?

Deb, when they do
a photo spread

at Irritating Life Partner Monthly,

you're more than welcome.

Hey, the new menus.

Oh, I'm so excited.

Okay, and now, um,

are you still waiting
for your wife?

No. This is she.

Hey, Ursula.

Oh, all right.
You work fast.

Oh, man,
I don't believe this.

What's the matter?

Riff did not name
a sandwich after me.

He didn't?
Excuse me.

Where are you going?

It wasn't true
about the sandwich,
was it, Ira?

You were just
using the sandwich
to impress me.

Mindy, no.

[DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES]

Boy, oh, boy.
You see, in my day,

It was, like,
a Camaro
or big muscles

to impress the gals.
That kind of thing.

I'll tell you this.
I'm not taking it
sitting down. Excuse me.

And you know what,
sweetie?

if it's okay with you,
I'm gonna go pee now.

Okay.

You see,
there is someone

who consults
his significant other
before making a decision.

So how's everybody? Good?

Hey, Ursula.

Listen, uh, do you know
why Riff did not name
a sandwich after me?

Okay, just a second,
I'm stirring.

Okay. Now,
what is the question?

Do you know why Riff
did not name a sandwich
after me?

Oh. Uh, no.

Okay, do you know when Riff
is coming in today?

What is it?

Do you know what time
Riff is coming in today?

Oh. No.

Oh, terrific.
Man doesn't even
have the nerve to face me.

Ursula, the menu
is on fire. Ursula.

Okay, what do you want?

The menu is on fire!

Oh. All right.

Oh. There.

Hey.

You got a fire extinguisher?

A what?

Fire extinguisher.

Hey, hey, buddy,
you got a fire
extinguisher here?

Yikes!

Listen, I gotta find
a fire extinguisher.

You take these,
see if you can
smother the flames.

Oh, okay. Yeah.

Okay. Go away, fire.

Now shoo. Shoo! Shoo!

What are you doing?

I'm smothering the flames.

No, you're not.
You're fanning the flames.

Oh. Yeah. That's right.

Hey, what's this?
What's in here?

[FIRE ROARS]

Oh, water.

Okay, great. Stand back.
I'll take care of this.

What did you say
was in here?

Yeah. Grease.

Oh, my God!

We gotta
get out of here.

We gotta get
out of here!

We are talking about
a fundamental issue

of respect
and consideration.

What do I have to do
to make you secure
in this relationship?

Uh... guys?

I just want you
to be honest
about what you are.

Yes. Your property.
Do you smell, like, uh...

That was
an expression
of love.

No. It was an expression
of territorialism.

Okay. Fire.

What?
Fire!

Oh, my God!

[EVERYONE SHOUTING]

[PAUL HUMMING]

[SIGHS IN RELIEF]

Oh, I really had to pee.

[SOFT INSTRUMENTAL
MUSIC PLAYING]

[SIRENS AND SHOUTING]

FIREMAN: Five, ten,
let's go, pull it up!

FIREMAN: Come on,
coming through!

James! There you are!

You're okay.

You're okay.

Oh! Oh!

I didn't know
what happened to you.

I was so worried.
I came out of the bathroom,

and I didn't know
where you were,

so I started going
back to the table...

You went to get me?

Yeah. This...
wall of flame,

Like a big...
like an actual wall
made of flame

just came at me,
so I got down
on my knees...

Oh, my God.
You went to rescue me.
You're a prince.

I'm a prince.
Yes, I know.

My knight
in shining armor.

I was... I just didn't know
what happened to you.

I'm so glad
you got out okay.

Yeah. I saw the smoke,
I just ran out of there.

You ran out?

Yeah. I saw the smoke.

Luckily, I... whoo...
I ran out of there.

So you were never
in danger.

No. I saw the smoke...
all of us just ran
right out of there.

Didn't... didn't
forget anything in there?

No...
Jacket or...

Got my jacket.
You got your bag?

Hey! How about...
Your husband?

Oh, my God!

Your soulmate
who's peeing his little
heart out in there,

unaware that there's
a fire going on?

Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.

You knew
I was in the bathroom!

Yes, I did.
Oh, my God!

You didn't think
to come in and say,

"Hey, there's a fire
out here. You might want
to hurry up in there?"

Paul, I'm so sorry.
Please forgive me.

Oh, get up.
If you don't want
to go to the men's room,

send somebody else
in there.

Oh, Paul,
I'm so sorry.

Oh, get up.
Or just leave a note
at the table:

"Had to run. Big fire.
Hope you make it out alive."

Okay, listen.
The important thing is
we're both okay.

No. No.

That was the important thing.

Now the important thing is
that you left me in there

to choke to death.

The second I got out here,

the first thing I said
is, "where's Paul?"

Well...

I was in the bathroom.

[SOBS] I love you.

I cherish you,
and I love you.

I'm sorry I was
so inconsiderate.

I'm sorry
I was territorial.

I want to be
your territory.

You do?

Always.
For as long as
both of us

Are lucky enough
to be alive.

What are you saying?

What do you think
I'm saying?
Will you marry me?

[GASPS] Yes.

Oh!

Well, it's good to see

fires bring out the best
in some people.

Ursula, breathe.

[BLOWS]

[URSULA EXHALES]

[BLOWS]
[URSULA EXHALES]

Okay, are we gonna
be done soon?

Ursula,
you're breathing.

Yeah, well, for, like,
a long time, now.

Oh... thank God!

Yeah, well,
I didn't want
to interrupt you,

You know, because
you seemed so serious.

No, I... I didn't
realize that you
were conscious.

Well, yeah.

So how did I get here?

Well, you passed out
from the smoke
in the kitchen.

I carried you out.

So you saved my life?

Well... No. Hey.

Ursula...

Okay. 'Cause, I mean,
if you had saved my life,

then I would do anything
you asked to repay you.
So...

Really?
Yeah.

Well, you know,

Actually,
come to think of it,

I sort of did
save your life.

Technically.

I thought so.

Okay.

Yeah.

So, then,
what can I do

to show you my gratitude?

[CHUCKLES]

Well, listen, Ursula...

When Riff's reopens
and the new menus
come out,

could you make sure
that they name that
sandwich after me?

I promise.

Mm.

See? He dragged her out,
and they barely
know each other.

All right.

[UPBEAT INSTRUMENTAL
MUSIC PLAYING]

Hey.

Hey. How was your shower?

Very good. Very good.
Used about , q-tips

getting that soot
out of my ears.

Like my head
was a chimney.

You run around
in a burning building,
you get plenty dirty.

Yeah.

I'm sorry. I've said it over
and over and over. I'm sorry.

That's okay. You did,
and there's no need
to say it again.

Okay.
Say it one more time.

I'm sorry.
There you go.

[BOTH TALKING AT ONCE]

I'm sorry,
go ahead.
Go ahead.

I was actually...
you go first.

No, you...
honey,
please go first.

Okay, all right,
all right, I... I...

Here's... here's
what I think.

Um...

It's like this.

[EXHALES]

You know how the fire,
uh, it sort of...

It made Debbie and Joan
really take stock
in their lives?

Yes.

And Ursula and Ira
took stock?

Yes.

The fire made me
take stock.

Me, too.

Really?
Yes.

So you're thinking
what I'm thinking?
I hope so.

Life is short.
Yes.

You know, and...
and it could be over
tomorrow.

Yes.

We gotta seize the day. Carpethat diem.

Yes!
Yeah.

So you're thinking
we gotta move to Scotland.

Oh, no, no, no,
no, no.

Oh. That's where I went.

What did you have?

I want to go back
to work.

Oh, that's...
that's very different.

Sweetie, I...
I love working.

I know, but, jeez...
oh, that's... oh, oh...

You want to teach,
suddenly?

I...

I do.

A classroom
full of sheep,
you said.

They... they have
a few sheep,

but they're scattered,
they're all...

They have hills,
these beautiful
rolling hills.

They have Northern Lights.
You want to see the pamphlet?

No.

What are we gonna do?

I don't know.

I... I...
where you going?

I'm going to work.

Wait a second.
I thought we're talking
about this.

They're going to
give my job
to somebody else.

Let me get it back,
then we'll talk.

What are you doing?
No.

I'm blocking your path.

Paul, I love that job.

I gotta tell you,
I don't love that job.

What happened to
you support me
no matter what?

What happened to
the prince?

Prince... whoosh... gone.
Abdicated.

Why?

Because that job
changed you.

I was a little bit
distracted.

You left me
in a burning building.

Paul, I want
my job back.

Okay. You know what?

Take your job.

Thank you.

What?
Where are you going?

I'm going to Scotland.

I'm going
to the kitchen now,

but I'm saying, later
I'm going to Scotland.

[SLOW INSTRUMENTAL
MUSIC PLAYING]

A what?

A pre-nup.

Oh. Oh, I see.

It's nothing
to worry about.

It's just a precaution.
In case we get divorced.

We won't get divorced.

Then why do we need
a pre-nup?

In case we do.

Hey. What about romance?

What about love?

What about believing
there's a bond between us

that time and circumstance
cannot break?

It's a very fair pre-nup.

You know what?

What?
This was not
a good fire at all.

Was that fire, like,
the greatest thing that
ever happened, or what?

You mean the fire
at Riff's?

Yeah.

It really was.

Come here.

Oh...

Yeah.

[CHUCKLES]

Yeah.

Tony Curtis had to play
the man and the woman.

JAMIE: I want my job back.

I know I said I quit,
but I've thought
about it,

and I want to stay.

Wow. It's up to
Mr. Carville
and Ms. Matalin.

Okay. Shall I
speak to them?

Well, Mr. Carville's
with the President...

The President of...

Oh, the President
President.

The President, yes.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Carville.

Mr. Carville,
it's Jamie Buchman
calling.

Oh, yeah, hi.

PRESIDENT: Carville,
I need you over here.

Look, Jamie, I'm kind of
with the leader
of the free world.

Could I possibly...

I've done some
soul searching,

and I've decided
I want my job back.
I know I just quit,

And you're
probably thinking,

"What the heck's
going on in that
crazy brain of Jamie's?"

But I want my job back,
and I'll do anything I
have to do to keep it...

PRESIDENT: Carville, I mean it.
I really need you over
in here right now.

Jamie, you're a fine employee.
Keep your job.

Thank you, sir.
That means so much
to me.

PRESIDENT: Carville, man,
that better be the Pentagon.

Look, I gotta go.

I'll never forget the way
You stuck your neck
out for me and you...

[DIAL TONE]
Hello?

[UPBEAT INSTRUMENTAL
MUSIC PLAYING]

This is quite
a swanky thing.

Believe me.

You got caviar.

you got waiters
running around
with toothpicks.

I figure if I spend
enough of Joan's money,

there won't be
any reason
for a pre-nup.

Got everything
all in the works.

got passports renewed,
even got a new passport
for Mabel.

Little passport
this big.

Ah! So Jamie's on board
for Scotland.

We gotta, you know,
dot a few Is,
cross a few Ts,

And... and... plus,
I gotta get her
to stop saying "no."

[IRA LAUGHING]

You remember...
you remember
when I told you

to smother the flames,
and instead,
you fanned the flames?

Yeah.

No.

What are you doing?

I'm just
basking in the glow

of having my job back.
You?

I'm thinkin' about
wearin' a kilt.

Ah.

Sure. 'Cause we're
movin' to Scotland.

I'm serious about this.
Okay. All right.

Okay.
I really am.

When are we leaving?

Uh... I...

Where are we gonna live?

Well, we...
What are we gonna do
with the apartment?

Where's Mabel gonna go
to school?

You thought about Murray?
Well, you know...

Maybe we'll have to
quarantine him.

Probably gonna have to
quarantine him.

What?
I'm sorry, what?
There's a lot of...

I'm still working out
the details.

There's details
to be ironed out.
No question.

Okay, good.
So go work out
your little details,

and I'll just be at work.

You think
you're so tough.

You think you've won.

Let me tell you
something,
my little friend.

A w*r is made out of
many little battles, okay?

And here's what
we Scotch do.

We fight
and then we walk away,

so that we may return
to fight another day.

That's what
we Scotch do.

Scots.

Whatever.

JOAN: Debbie.

All right,
you know what?
Write a check.

What?
Write a check.
There's my bank balance.

Wow.
Wow!

Big eligible
bachelorette.

All right, now,
I am signing my name
to this blank check,

And whatever you want
right now from me
you can have.

Joanie.

Debbie,
there isn't anything

I don't want you
to have.

So, you're saying
that I could write in
any amount.

Mm-hmm.

Deb, I... I...
if I may,

I believe
this is what's meant
as a gesture.

And a wonderful gesture
it is.

I love you.

I love you.

Ah, look at these
crazy kids.

You know what?
If I may, everybody,

Let us make a toast...

Can we make a toast
to my beautiful sister,
Debbie

And... Joan,

her future,
soon-to-be wife

and my soon-to-be
sister-in-law.

That's all right,
isn't it? Yeah.

Uh...

We just all
want to wish you

the very best in life,

or, as we say in Scotland...

Honey.

Just... Good luck
to you.

I'm so happy.
I'm so happy.

I'm so happy.

I'm so happy.

I'm pretty happy.

I'm... I'm all right.

And I, of course,

am gonna have
the egg salad sandwich,

or, as it is now known,

The Ira Buchman.

You don't have to have
the egg salad every time

just 'cause it's
named after you.

I don't?

You think Morey Amsterdam
always had the corned beef?

Maybe.

You think Sammy Davis,

every single time
he came in here, he had
the ham and swiss on rye?

Why not?

You this Willis Reed,
no matter what kind
of mood he's in,

he came in here,
he had the turkey,
chopped liver,

domestic mustard,
Russian dressing?

Yeah.

You're living in
a dream world.
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