06x22 - Nat & Arley

[bunniefuu]

Keys, keys, keys!

[MABEL GURGLING
AND JINGLING KEYS]

There they are.
Thank you.

[MABEL WAILS]

All right, so you'll
give them to me
when you're ready.

Here's a question.
Did I just
take a shower?

What? You were
just in there.

I was... I was
fully clothed,

and then
I don't remember,

and then,
fully clothed with,
like, dripping.

Are you okay?

I'm just so exhausted.

I got this bruise
on my thigh.
I don't understand.

Mm-mm. So what
you're saying is

you're not able
to go to disco night
at my office.

Oh, you know what,
sweetie?

Have you not read a paper
in the last years?

You know,
disco is dead.

That's incorrect.
It was dead.
Now it's back.

It's having a whole
retro thing.

I'm aware of that.
I'm saying the retro thing.
Dead already.

No, it's not.
Come on, come on,
dance with me.

What is that?

Don't you remember
John Travolta,
the movie?

Come on,
you remember
with the... come on!

I don't know...
Dance with me.

I don't dance.
That's because
you don't dance.

If you dance,
then you dance,

but you don't dance,
so you don't dance.

Say dance one more time,
we get a free hat.

[GURGLING]

That's quite an arm
on that little girl.

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

If you'd just
dance with me,

I'd quit
hounding you.

Ow! My lungs hurt.
Can that be?

Hey, there.

Ho, there.
Hi, Nat.

There he is. Hey there,
Murray Callander,
queen of pies.

Hey they,
Murray Lou Retton.

Sweetie, you
find the keys?

Honey?

[SNORING]

Paul! Paul!

I'm up! I'm up!

Oh, my god. Did you
just fall asleep
on the floor?

So, what is that,
a bad thing?

You poor thing.
You're exhausted.

This is what I'm saying.

What are you, you caught
the insomnia bug
there, Mr. Buchman?

No. It's the
weirdest thing.

I fall asleep.
I'm sleeping,
but then I wake up.

I'm so tired.

Huh... You know you could
have, you could have,

a touch
of the Apnea.

What's that?

The apnea.

Sleep apnea?

Yeah. It's when you stop
breathing in your sleep

for very short little
periods of time.

Jeez, it makes for
a very restless night.

I know this 'cause
my mammy was afflicted.

Poor thing, she used to
wake up in the wee hours
of the morning,

snorting like a sea lion.

Really?

So sorry.

Ahh! You know what
we did, though?

We took her
to a sleep clinic.

They had her spend
the night there.

They ran a battery
of tests.

They fixed her
right up.

You think
I got the apnea?

I'm sure you're fine.

And if it'll make you
feel better, we'll take
you to a sleep clinic.

Really?
Get you
all rested up

and ready
for disco night.

Can't wait.

Ever see that movie
there, Nat? With the...

Oh, sure. Yeah.

Mr. Buchman, you mind
if I pick your brain
there for a second?

Metaphorically speaking,
of course.
Sure, go ahead.

It's about a girl.

Really?

Yeah. Why?

No, I just... no, no,
go ahead, go ahead.

Go ahead.

It's somebody that
you know quite well,
actually.

It's someone to
whom I've formed

quite a little
attachment.

Oh, oh, oh,
Nat, Nat, all right.

Let me see if I can
explain this to you
gently, but thoroughly.

Mrs. Buchman and I
are married. Okay?

Oh, no, no, gee,
Mr. Buchman, no!
Come on, please!

Jeez, I'm talking about
your baby-sitter.

Oh, Arley?

Arley, yes, yes.
I kinda,

I just think
she's sweeter than
a gooseberry pie.

Yeah, she's a gooseberry.
She is.

Thing is, I'm in a state
here, Mr. Buchman.

I can't stop
thinking about her.

It's affecting my work.

That's no good.

Just yesterday,
I'm out walking Murray,

I accidentally,
I left one
of his offerings

right there in front
of Bagel Nosh.

Listen, don't blame
yourself.

Listen, even Willie Mays
couldn't catch them all.

The thing is,
Arley, she's not
like the girls

that I'm used
to courting there.

I see. What type
of girls are you used
to courting there, Nat?

Well, debutantes mostly.

Debutantes?

Mostly, yeah.
Debutantes,
socialites.

The dogs I walk,
they tend to,

they tend to travel
in some pretty heady
social circles.

Sure. Probably poopin'
in front of the Ritz.

The thing is
these women,

they ask me out.

You know, they
take me places.
I'm busy.

I'm along for
the ride, you know.

I don't know,
I think I'm like,
spoiled.

I think I've become
complacent with it.

It's like
I'm a girl toy,
if you will.

You're a girl toy?

If you will,
yeah, you know, uh,

the thing
with Arley, though is,

with her,
I'd have to do
the asking.

I'm just... I'm as scared
as a chihuahua on
Christmas morning here.

Point is, I'm scared.
You're scared?

It's a very frightening thing.
I remember very, very clearly

asking Judy Findler
to the sixth-grade
square dance.

But you know what?

You did it anyway.

Did it anyway.
I sucked it up

and I walked over to her
at lunch, and I,

and I asked her
like a man and
you know what happened?

She said yes.

No, she said "no."
She scoffed.

She mocked me.
She mocked me,
and she told her friends,

and her friends
mocked me.

They did a whole skit
about it at talent night.

It was... well into high school
before people
stopped mocking me

about walking over
to Judy Findler.

Oy.
Yeah.

So if you don't want to
ask a woman out,

just don't,
because they'll k*ll you,
these people.

They're K*llers. You just,
you know, lay back.

Let her come to you.

So you're saying
I should stay.

Just stay. Stay.

Stay. Stay.

That's good.
Good, Nat.

Because I'll tell you,
sometimes,

sometimes doing nothing
is the most anything
a man can do.

You're like
a wise old tree.

I get that a lot.

BARBARA: Ira, are you
coming to bed?

Just a second, baby.

First, we are going
to do a little
mirror adjustment.

Figure we'd at least try
something new, you know.

Take a little peek
at ourselves.

Okay, Barbara, I'm
thinking of a number
between and .

Seven.

That's it!

Oh!

[BARBARA GIGGLING]

Oh, my god!

What's wrong?

I look like that?

It was the most
horrifying thing
I ever saw.

You having sex.

Yes.

It was like watching
a sick walrus

trying to climb
over a rock.

Ira, you're so far
from a walrus.

I am all flanks
and pale skin.

I'm telling you,
I have no ass.

All right?

It's like, at
some point my back,

it just kinda...
it becomes the top
of my legs.

I should
never be naked.

And when I am,
I should lie
perfectly still.

[YAWNING]

What's the matter
with you?

I think I got the apnea.

The sleep apnea?

Yeah, yeah. I go to sleep,
I wake up,
I just don't feel like...

What are you doing,
throwing out books?

Yeah, dirty books.

Why?

I told you
I am done with sex

and everything
having to do with it.

You're not done with sex.

Paulie, I am
so done with sex,
you have no idea.

You just started.

I'm done with it.
You're not done.

Would you stop telling me
I'm not done!

Listen, nobody looks
good having sex.

What, are you crazy?
Women, they look great
having sex.

Okay, but only them.

I mean... what,
you're throwing out
videotapes?

Yeah, filthy videos.

I see, because
you're done with sex.
That's right.

Hey, hey, hey,
That's a copy
of Buchman.

Yeah, I know.
I taped over it.

Let me ask you
a question.
What?

How much time
of your life do
you think you spend

actually having sex?

I don't know.
Maybe % of the time.

Okay. And what about
thinking about sex?

Uh, %.

Okay, and then
angling for sex?

Paulie, what are you
saying to me?

I'm saying without sex,
what are you?

You're a guy
in an empty apartment.

What is that?

%.

You can't cut sex
out of your life.

Without sex,
what are you going
to do with your time?

I don't know. Chess?
Bonsai gardening?

Bonsai... okay, what
do you do with this?

What do you think?

Hey, Arley.
Hey, Jamie.

How's my little girl?

Very chatty today.

Hi.

Jamie, can I ask you
a question?

Sure.
It's about Nat.

Oh, the answer is yes.

What?
He always
wears the jacket.

No, no, no, that's
not what I meant.

What I want to say,
how should I put this?

Do you think Nat
is, um, eccentric?

What do you mean,
eccentric?

Well, not eccentric
like he thinks he's
a carton of orange juice.

Not that kind
of eccentric.

No, but eccentric
like the guy
who does think

he's a carton
of orange juice,

Nat would
buy him lunch.

He's exactly that
kind of eccentric.

And that's a good
kind of eccentric.

Very good.
So, I'm not crazy
for liking him, right?

Do you mean liking him,
liking him?
Yeah.

Oh, my god, no!

Oh, Nat's the sweetest
guy in the world.
This is great news.

So good.
So, I'm just going
to seduce him.

Whoa, what?

Well, I mean
not just yet.
I mean eventually.

I'll ask him
out to dinner.

No, no, Arley, Arley,
Nat's shy. Very shy.

No, no, Arley,
don't ask. Don't ask.

So, no.
No, no, no, no, no.

Oh, well,
I'll be gentle.

I'm sure you would,
but, Arley,

think of Nat, sort of
like a stray dog.

Okay.

If you rush him,
he'll run away.

I see.

But if you stand at
a safe, comfortable
distance,

maybe with
your hand extended
just a little bit,

offering your face
for him to smell.

He'll come running
right at you.

This is a metaphor,
right?

Well... No.
Yeah, yeah.

All right, Mr. Buchman,

now, I'll be watching
and recording you
on that video camera,

so why don't you
just lie back
and get some sleep?

Okay, I will try.

I gotta say,
I've never had
this much space.

I usually
have a wife.

Well,

we have something
for you.

Meet Betsy.

What do you mean Betsy?

Or Bob.

Depending on your...
orientation.

Let's say Betsy.

You know, I know it's
not very scientific,

but, um, we find
it does the trick.

I bet it does.

Yes, she's helped me

through some
pretty tough times.

I recall a drizzly
Halloween night
just a few months...

You know what, doc,

I don't need
all the details.

Oh, all righty.

Well, you should
get some sleep.

Yes.

Good night, Mr. Buchman.

Good night to you,
doctor.

Good night, Betsy.

Betsy, Betsy
says goodnight.

Don't take this
personally, Betsy, but,

he's a big nut job,
your little doctor friend.

I'd like to know what
kind of medical school

waved him on through.

You know what?
Come here, you.

You see, I'm sleeping
like a baby.

You both look
very peaceful.

Right. Which is why
the doctor suspects

that you may be the one
with the apnea.

Sleep apnea,
not "the" apnea.

All right, whatever. My,
not sleeping may well be
because of you.

The plague.
The black death.
I understand. Okay.

All right, it's apnea.
You don't say "the" apnea.

So it's apnea,
but your restless sleep

may be giving me
restless sleep,

which is why I think we
should really check it out.

I'm fine.

Why don't we let
the doctor decide?

Same doctors who
put you in bed
with a wooden doll?

Foam. Foam. All right?
Betsy is made of foam.

Who?

Be... doesn't matter,
but...

Just, I think
you should go.

Fine. I will go
to the clinic.

Thank you.

Why would you say
she looks wooden?

Man, I wish
I was having sex.

What do you bring
to a sleep clinic?

Just the bags
under your eyes.

I don't have bags
under my eyes.

Then you can
pack light.

Okay if I get
a dove bar?

Sure.
Please, help yourself.

Our dove bars are
your dove bars.

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

I got it.
Ow, now I think
I hurt my coccyx.

Oh-oh.
Hey, Nat.

Hey, there.
Ho, there.

Hi, Nat. Could you just
excuse me one second?

Sure.

Nat's here!

Listen,
just remember,

be loose, be cool,
be Nat.

Roger and Wilko.

Just remember,
deep inside, every woman
is a debutante.

You know, sit down.
Let her come to you.

Absolutely,
and ya betcha.

Just remember, stay.

Stay.
Stay.

Remember, let him
come to you.
Got it.

[WRAPPER CRACKLING]

Well.
Okay.

Tick-tock.
We should go.

Sleepy sleepy.
Have fun, you two.

Have fun.
No pressure,
but have fun.

This may sound strange,
but you look good.

I would so much rather
be at disco night.

It'll be all right.

What, are you
kidding me?
I'm sorry.

I thought it would
help you get to sleep.

I don't need help
getting to sleep,

which is why I don't
need to be here.

All right, come on,
it's just for one night,
all right?

Can I have the dummy?

What do you need her for?

'Cause I want it.

First of all,
her name is Betsy.

Is there something
you want to tell me?

Just... here.

[SNEEZES]

Well, gesundheit
and god bless
you there.

[STUTTERS] If I may.

Thank you.

Well, I guess I'm
about done here.

I'm, uh...
I'm gonna get going.

Okay.

Just, uh, gonna head
on back to my place

and, uh, I'm gonna,
I'm just gonna lay low.

And I'll just be here
letting things happen
when they happen.

If they should happen.

Okay, then, well, um,

well, I'll see you around.

Bye, Nat.

Bye-bye.

You know what
I think, Arley?

I think you're
sweeter than
a gooseberry pie.

And I know
I'm not supposed
to say that,

but I feel it's my
duty to say that,

'cause if I should die
tomorrow, I think
you should know

that I think
you're sweeter than
a gooseberry pie.

That's so sweet.

It's very sweet,
but I think that
you're sweeter, even.

No, I meant
what you said.

Well, I meant what I said.

No, I know. I... thank you.

Well, you know,
you deserve it.

Okay. Well,
I'm free to die now.

Well, I'll
see you around.

Nat, wait!

Coming back.

Maybe you could stay
a little longer

and we could go out
for a little dinner
or something.

I can maybe...
I can maybe, I could.

I can maybe...
I can maybe...
maybe I could.

I can stay.

So, how'd it go?

Just perfectly fine.

Help me!
All right, all right.

[POPPING]

Ow! I could
have done that.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Well...

I think we found the source
of your sleeping trouble,
Mr. Buchman.

Is it the apnea?
Tell me the truth.

No, not quite.

See? Told you so.

BOTH: Hey, hey, hey!
What are you, nuts?

I'm sorry.

Mrs. Buchman.

If you'll watch the tape.

I think you'll understand.

DOC: Now, this is about
: in the morning

when you're deep
into REM sleep.

Seems normal.

Uh-huh, but watch
what happens next.

PAUL: A little rustling.

Everybody rustles
sometimes.

Notice as her sleep
becomes a bit more agitated.

Oh my god!
Mental agitation!

What am I doing?

Oh!
What is that?

Kidney punch.

Look at this.
Why would you do that?

[STAMMERS] I don't remember.

What's the matter
with you?

Open hand to the head.

And, the cranial love tap.

Now, needless to say,

we believe, we've found
your husband's
sleeping problem.

Is that what's
happening to me?

Well, you've
taken something
of a pounding. Yes.

I'm sorry.
I can't accept this.

This is
an aberration.

I would never
do anything
to hurt Paul.

Mr. Buchman, have you had
any unexplained bruises
or body aches recently?

Yes!

I think this explains why.

Why? Why would you do...
why? Why would she do that?

You can't be saying
that I would do the
same thing to Paul

that I did
to that dummy.

Betsy.
Betsy!

Her name is Betsy.

My god!
For god's sake.

Oh, you want to dance.

All right,
you want to dance?

All right,
all right,
let's dance.

Well, that's enough.

Yeah, doc, so the reason
I'm here is because

I just... I have not been
sleeping well lately.

In fact, I think
I have the apnea.

It's called sleep apnea.

Yeah, right, whatever.

Where's the doll?

Well, it's, uh, here.

Thank you.
Here we go.

Yeah.
Her name is...

Betsy, Betsy,
I know.

Now remember, we'll be...

Taping me with the camera.

Can I get a copy of that?

Yes.

Thank you.

Well... good night.

Good night, doc.

Toodle-doo.

Heard a lot
about you, Betsy.