07x07 - The Thanksgiving Show

[bunniefuu]

[♪♪♪♪♪]

Oh, just help me.

[♪♪♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪♪♪]

And when the harvest
was completed,

the Pilgrims realized
they had survived.

They had made it

in the Massachusetts
Bay colony.

And you know,
if you can make it there,

you can make it anywhere.

And so they gave thanks

with a sumptuous meal
of Indian corn and turkey.

Then they all went into
the living room,

unbuttoned their pants, and
passed out watching football.

So even today, we give thanks.
Yes. We give thanks.

And our friends and family
come over to our house.

Oh, boy. Everybody
has such a great time.

It's a wonderful day.
Hm.

Okay. Listen.
It's the worst day of the year.

It doesn't work.
Something goes wrong.

What is it?
Why do we always have

such a crappy Thanksgiving?

I don't know, sweetie.
I think we're just

fundamentally
inhospitable people.

No, we're not.
This turkey is so heavy

it's unbelievable.
Feel this.

I don't wanna
feel the turkey.

Seriously, it's like
carrying Joe Pesci's head.

A pound per guest,
says Julia Child.

No. That's just
crazy cookbook talk.

Hi. Hello. Hi, hi.

Hi, Dr. Lee.

I'm sorry
to keep you waiting.

Oh, no problem.

The HMOs provide most
of my patient flow now,

and they take such
a large percentage

that the only way
I can make ends meet

is to schedule three
and sometimes four appointments

for the exact same time.

It's a grave inconvenience
to my patients,

and it fills me with shame.

But I'm happy in my work.

Well, that's great.
Good.

Hello, Mabel.

My goodness.
She is beautiful.

Thank you.
Do you have kids?

No. I'm not married,
actually.

Pediatricians are far less
eligible bachelors

than they were
before managed care.

I'd like to have kids.

I surely thought by now
I would have them,

but I don't.

Still, I... I'm glad
I chose medicine.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Now, what seems to be the
trouble with the young lady?

Well, she's been
sneezing a lot.

Really?
Yeah.

Although, oddly,
since we're here,

not one sneeze.

Oop. Oh, my turkey.

Looking forward
to Thanksgiving?

You betcha.
Yeah.

Me too.

Yeah? Going home
to see family?

No. My parents and I
don't speak.

I come from a long line
of artists and musicians.

And when I told them I was going
into the natural sciences,

they broke with me.

But you know,

if I had to do it
all over again,

I wouldn't
change anything.

Hm.
Uh-huh. That's good.

Allergy.
Really?

I can't be sure
to what,

but I'm certain
it's an allergy.

Do you have any pets?

No.

We have a dog.

Long-haired,
by any chance?

No.
Yes.

Okay. Bring her within
close proximity to the dog

and see if she sneezes.

Then, take her
some distance from the dog

and see if she stops
sneezing.

Wait, wait.

Dr. Lee, you don't
really think that Mabel

could be allergic
to our dog, do you?

Yes, I do.

This is why I'm proposing
this exercise.

Okay. Okay.

Now, try to do this test
as soon as you can

and call me tomorrow.

Oka-- Oh.
Tomorrow's the holiday.

I know. I'll be
in my office all day.

You're kidding.

No. Each year
on Thanksgiving,

I pick up
a turkey sandwich.

Then I come here to catch up
on my paperwork.

But I wear a Pilgrim's hat,
which I enjoy.

Okay. Good.
Okay.

But you have
a lovely day.

Enjoy being with family
and friends.

Never forget
how lucky you are.

We won't.
Okay. Um, Dr. Lee,

this is gonna sound
like a wacky offer--

I mean, we just met you.

--but would you like to
join us for Thanksgiving?

Oh, I couldn't.

Oh, sure you can. We live
only a few blocks from here.

Really?

You can meet
some great people.

Really?
Oh, it'll be fun.

Really?
We insist.

Really?

Yeah. Yes.

Okay! I'll do it.

Great.
Great.

So we'll stop
on the way home,

pick up a bigger turkey.

But only
if it's heavier.

I am so grateful.
Thank you so very much.

Oh, listen,
our pleasure.

We'll see you at : ,
and your nurse has our address.

Okay. Great. Thank you.

Oh, you're welcome.

I am very touched.
Thank you very, very much.

[CHUCKLING]
Oh, okay.

LEE: This is so kind of you.
Oh, not at all.

LEE:
I can't tell you
how much this means to me.

We're getting
a good sense, though.

We sure are.

All right,
thanks.

This has been
a terrific visit.

All right.
Okay. Thanks.

I am proud to be your
daughter's pediatrician.

JAMIE:
Okay, then.

[♪♪♪♪♪]

Oh, my God.

We've gone from
Joe Pesci's head

to the whole guy.
Heh, heh.

Sweetie, you gonna
let Daddy hold you

so Mommy can fix
the turkey?

[STARTS TO CRY]

Okay. All right,
sweetie. Okay.

Eh. She just really
likes it better

being held by you,
doesn't she?

You know,
a little bit.

That's all right.
I can go to my turkey.

Oh, honey, look.

Oh, Murray, Murray.

Okay. How could anybody
be allergic to him?

We don't know it's him
she's allergic to.

I mean, look,
she hasn't sneezed yet.

[MABEL SNEEZES]

Okay. One time.

Okay. Let's try it.
Bring her closer.

[SNEEZES]

Now go over there.

Okay. Bring her back.

[SNEEZES]

Go over there.

Bring her back.

[SNEEZES]

It's the sink.
It's the sink.

She's allergic
to the sink.
Honey.

Oh, sweetie, do you
know what it means

if Mabel is allergic
to Murray?

We're gonna have to...

[WHISPERING]
...choose between
our daughter and our dog.

I understand.

It would just
break my heart

if we had
to give Murray away.

I mean, before
there was even you,

there was Murray.

When I was
sad and lonely,

there was Murray.

And for a long, dark
period of my life,

when women would offer me
no intimacies,

there was Murray.

That came out wrong,
but you know what I'm saying.

I do.

Murray was man's
best friend,

and how have I
thanked him?

I've gone and reproduced
and created a being

who is actually
allergic to him.

Well, maybe
there's a solution.

Maybe there's a pill
or a powder or something.

Yeah. A powder.
You don't know.

Here's what we'll do.
Okay. I got it.

We put Mabel--
She stays in one room.

How much room
does she need, really?

She's going to college
in a couple of years.

Okay, okay.
Here's another idea.

Could Murray maybe--
Could Murray--

Maybe-- Could Murray
live in your closet?

Oh, dear.
Okay. In my closet?

How do you feel
about Fresno?

[♪♪♪♪♪]

Okay. There's you, me,
Dr. Lee, Ira, Burt,

Sylvia, Lisa,
and Debbie.

Oh, look. Murray
in Ocean City.

Remember how he loved
those steamers?

Mm-hm, I do.

I'm glad we invited
Dr. Lee, aren't you?

Oh, Murray's
birthday party.

What can we do
to make Thanksgiving

an actual fun day
for everybody?

I don't know. Hm?
A door prize.

How about a door prize?

We put a coin
in the stuffing,

and whoever gets it
wins a...uh, musket.

A what?

A musket--
A Pilgrim g*n.

No, sweetie,
you're a grown woman.

You don't need to be putting
a quarter in a turkey.

What do we do?
What's next, party games?

Yes! Yes. You're a genius.
Perfect.

You know how you get
with party games.

I don't get.
You do.

Something happens to you.

It's win, win,
win, win.

You're like a very-good-smelling
Vince Lombardi.

What, are you afraid
I'm gonna b*at you

in front of
all of our friends?

Let's not do this.
Why don't you just say it?

Why don't you just say,
"You're right,

I'm going to lose badly
in front of everybody,

and I don't wanna
do that."

Don't do this, honey.
Don't goad.

Why don't you just
be honest about your fears?

You see? You're goading me.
Don't goad.

I'm not goading. I just think

it's ironic
we're having turkey,

because I'm sitting
across the table

from a big chicken.
Mm.

Okay. Here's what
we're gonna do.

You pick any game...
You pick a game,

and I will b*at you
at that game.

Don't count on it.
Well, we'll see.

Okay...

Good harvest.
Good harvest to thee.

Good harvest to thee.
Good harvest, Ursula.

Oh. And, uh, may ye endureth
winter's oncoming wrath.

And the same
to thee.

So, what,
is Riff's doing

a whole
Thanksgiving-theme thing

where all the staff
dresses up?

No.

Oh.

Have you decided?

Uh, yes, we ye--
We ye...

We'll have
two tuna melts.

Yes. And two
green salads, please.

As you wish.

Ursula?
Is everything okay?

I dread the morrow.

Oh, Ursula.

But why? Pray tell.

Well, I had hoped
to earn sufficient ducat

to visit acquaintances
in their homeland,

Battle Creek, Michigan,

but, alas,

the natives here tip like
the dirt on which I stand.

What? What?

I couldn't afford
the freaking plane ticket.

Oh, that's terrible.
Sorry to hear that.

Ursula, would you like to spend
Thanksgiving at our house?

How much
will you pay me?

What?

See, if I could earn
enough money

spending Thanksgiving
at your house,

then maybe I could go
to Michigan for Thanksgiving.

No. No, no. Because Thanksgiving
will have already passed.

Right. You would've spent
Thanksgiving at our house.

Right. Which is
not-not-not in Michigan.

If you say so.

[♪♪♪♪♪]

[PHONE RINGS]
Hello.

There's a powder.

[COUGHING]

See? I told you.
Is it messy?

Not really.

But it works great.

Mabel has not
sneezed once.

So we can keep Murray.

That's right.

Great.
Also, Ira called.

He wanted to know if he
could bring Marvin tomorrow.

I said, sure.
good. Yes. Good.

Means we have to get
a bigger turkey.

Already done,
my friend.

But they didn't have
any bigger turkeys,

so I got us a walrus.

Okay. So, listen. In terms
of the party games,

I'm throwing out
all the kissing games,

'cause it's
the wrong crowd, right?

Oh, I'd say so, yes.

Spin the Bottle,
Post Office,

Seven Minutes in Heaven--
Throwing them out.

I think that's best, yes.

Then there's Charades,
but does anybody--

I'm happy to b*at you
at Charades.

You could not
b*at me at Charades.

Sweetie, why do we do this?

Okay. Fine.
It's Charades.

Know what? In fact,
it's Running Charades.

What's that?

It's Charades,
but with running.

All right.
I'll b*at you at that.

Okay. Fine.

You know what? You're meat.

I'm sorry?
You are meat.

You are Running Charades
dead meat.

Oh, well, that's nice.

See you at home, meat.

Oops. Bye-bye.
PAUL: You'll get--

Boy, that sounds fun--
Running Charades.

It's a great game.

I used to be a terrific
Charades player.

Really?

Two words. First word--
Two syllables, sounds like.

Yes, sir, I was fast.

I bet you were.

Been a while since
I've played, however.

Yeah, well, you know,
we're all so busy.

It'd be fun to shake off
the cobwebs.

Oh, God. Forgive me.
Henry,

would you like to come
tomorrow?

Oh, no. Hey, that's
very nice, but--

Are you sure, because--
Okay. Yes. Great.

Thanks.

Hey.

See you...

Time. Watch. Today.
Tomorrow.

I'll see you
tomorrow!

[♪♪♪♪♪]

You coming, sweetie?

Yeah. Honey,
this time--

The entire cast
of Goodfellas.

Hello.
Good afternoon.

And happy Thanksgiving.

Oh, yes.
Well, as you know,

it's every Englishman's
favorite holiday.

Second only to July th.

You know, you should
think of Thanksgiving

more as a triumph
of the human spirit

than as
a political holiday.

Oh, thank you so much.
You've changed my life.

I'm serious.

Thanksgiving isn't about
soon-to-be Americans

escaping
British oppression.

It's about people carving out
a life for themselves

against all odds.

Sweetie...
Heavy turkey here.

In fact, why don't you
join us tomorrow?

Really?
Really?

Really?
Absolutely.

Come across the pond,
as they say, about : .

We have some fun things
planned.

I think we might change
your mind about Thanksgiving.

Well, I suppose
it might be interesting.

Great. We'll see you then.
All right.

Thank you.

Honey.
Bigger turkey.

[♪♪♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪♪♪]

and I'm getting screwed
on the payments

on my X-ray equipment.

I won't own it outright
for another years.

Until then,
the bank owns my soul.

But I'm optimistic.

[COUGH]

You sure he needs
this much powder?

I may be
overpowdering.

Well, what are you guys
doing for Thanksgiving?

Okay. About minutes
till turkey.

What's say we play
Running Charades?

Okay with me.
Great.
Yeah.

Okay. My team goes
in the bedroom.

Paul's team
goes in the kitchen.

We're in the kitchen.
We got it.

Got your titles
ready, Burt?

Oh-ho-ho. Look out.

Okay.
What'd you got?

Good luck, meat.

We'll see who's meat
and who's not...

so much meat.
Uh-huh.

Okay. The first title is
"Puff the Magic Dragon."

All right. That's good,
you know, 'cause it's--

It's
a song.

Four words.

One word.

First word.

First word.

One syllable.
Oh.

WOMAN :
Uh, smoke?

Ring.

Cigarette.
Um...

"One Toke
Over the Line."

Puff. Okay, puff.

Three fingers.
"The Three Fingers of Eve!"

Third word.

Second word.
HENRY: Two syllables.

WOMAN : Looking...
HENRY: Sleeve.

Lint.
WOMAN : Disappear.

Magic.

Magic. Puff.
Magic. Puff.

"The Magic Puffball!"

"Puff
the Magic Dragon!"

Yes!
Good one!

"Puff the Magic Dragon"

Hey, you know--
Yes. It's amazing.

What's the next one?
What's the next one?

E.T.
Yeah.

Swan Lake.

Where the Wild
Things Are.

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly.

ALL:
A, B, C, D, E.

E. E.T.!

Got it!
Yes!

E.T.

Already? E.T.

Oh, oh, very good.

Number three. It's a book.

Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret.

Elephant Man.

The Miracle Worker.

Oh, Charades!

[SNEEZES]

Bless you.

Are You There, Peter?
I Lost my Wallet.

Are You There, George?
'Cause You Look Like Isabel?

Hello. Hey, Joe, Do You Want to Give It a Go?

Are You There, God?
It's Me, Margaret.

[CHEERING]

Are You There, God?
It's Me, Margaret.

Excellent.

The next one is,
uh...

"The Piña Colada Song."

Also known as "If You
Like Piña Coladas."

I'll accept
either answer.

"I Will Saw a Woman
in Half Now."

"Where Has Gone
My Sleeve?

"I Have an Egg
Behind My Ear."

No. "Billy Jack!"

Drinking.
WOMAN: Some kind of drink.

JAMIE:
A tropical drink.

Daiquiri. Mai tai.
Piña colada.

Piña Colada--
"If You Like Piña Coladas."

Also known as
"The Piña Colada Song."

[CHEERS]
Yes!

"The Piña Colada
Song."

You're kidding me.
"The Piña Colada Song."

I mean, you should
do this professionally.

Are we ahead?

Oh, I can't
tell you that.

It's very unethical.
Okay.

But I'll say this,
you can walk now.

Yes! Okay.
What's the last clue?

The Thieving Magpie.

Okay. What?

It's an opera
by Rossini.

What, are you
kidding me?

Fog.

Clouds.

Fog.

Puff?
"Puff the Magic Dragon."

Yeah!
Yay!

He lived by the sea!

Pie.

The Big Pie.

The Pie Who Came In
From the Cold!

Guess Who's Coming
to Dinner With Pie.

Pointing-- the Pointer Sisters!
E.T.!

Ah...

Achoo!
Bless you.

The Pie Guy.

The Man Who Stole Pie.

[GRUNTS]

A Pie In Your Face,
You Big Idiot!

Are You There, God?
It's Me, Margaret.

Ooh! The Boy
Who Cried Pie.

The Grieving Pie.

Piper Laurie!

Pouring. Drink.

Cocktail Time.

It's a Quarter to ,

and There's Nobody In the Place

But You and Me.

Shake It Up, Baby, Now. [WHIRRING]

Button, button.

Blend. Drink. Drink.

It's a coconut.
"Piña Colada Song."

Yeah!
Yay!
All right!

Hiya, Pop.
Hi.

"Pina Colada Song."
Acceptable.

What's the last name?

The Thieving Magpie.

Got it. Thieving Magpie.

WOMAN:
The Pie Eaters.

The Bad Piper
Who Stole Things.

[GRUNTS]

Pride of the Yankees!

The World.

The Big Round Thing.

Oh,
What a Circle.

[TIMER RINGS]

Oh, dinner time.

MAN:
Is there gonna be
anything to eat?

I think that
was the oven.

HENRY:
Oh, finally.

WOMAN:
The Music Man.

[SNEEZES]

Bless you.

Any ideas?

I think
he's gone over.

Are You There, God?
It's Me, Margaret.

[SNEEZES]
Bless you.

You know, you may be
allergic to something.

Yeah? Like what?

I don't know.

Let's explore.

So how long have you been
in this country?

Oh, sorry.

It's
the dog food!

[SNEEZES]
Bless you.

Hey. You're allergic
to dog food.

Too bad. That may be all
one gets to eat.

[SNORING]

[SNEEZES]

[SNEEZES]

[SNEEZES]

Afternoon
Of a Faun.

No. No, it's Mabel.

She's also allergic
to dog food,

which means she's not
allergic to Murray.

That makes me happy.

Jamie, I have
to eat something.

Yeah, Jamie.

Have a heart.

Oh, for God's sake,
feed your guests.

I'm very hungry.
Me too.

I could eat a pound
and a half of this stuff.

Listen, you'd better
watch it,

because you're gonna
burn yourself.

I don't care.

Where do you think
they're keeping the pie?

Ear.

Ear infection.

Earplane.

Earport ' !

Yeah. I don't know.

[♪♪♪♪♪]

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello.

The Thieving Magpie.

Yes!

I want you to say it
one more time. Hold on.

The Thieving Magpie.

Happy Thanksgiving.

[♪♪♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪♪♪]

[GAGGING]