07x09 - Farmer Buchman

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Mad About You". Aired: September 23, 1992 – May 24, 1999.*
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Paul and Jamie Buchman face an unexpected challenge after 25 years of marriage when their daughter moves away from home to study at university.
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07x09 - Farmer Buchman

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[♪♪♪♪♪]

Okay.

Pick a card.

Look at it.
Mm-hmm.

Put it back.

Okay.

Is that your card?
No.

Yes, it is.

No, it isn't.

[FORCEFULLY]
Yes, it is.

It's really not.

Yes, it is!

...Yes, it is.

Ta-da!

[♪♪♪♪♪]

♪ Mmm ♪

♪ Tell me why ♪

♪ I love you like I do ♪

♪ Tell me who ♪

♪ Can stop my heart
As much as you ♪

♪ Let's take each other's hand ♪

♪ And jump into
the Final Frontier ♪

[♪♪♪♪♪]

NARRATOR:
This is
a Paul Buchman documentary

"People Who Aren't Famous,
But Should Be"

rough cut of the guy
who invented

the moist towelette segment.

Tell me, how did you
first get the idea

for the moist towelette?

Well...

at that time,
all towels were dry.

And you often found yourself
moistening them

in order to perform
various tasks.

Cleaning your glasses,

or wiping a baby's bottom,
for example.

So, I thought

that if the towels
were alreadymoist,

you don't have to go
to the sink.

How did you arrive
at the name "moist towelette"?

Because I'm fascinated
by that.

You are?

Yeah.

You're a nice boy.

Well, the moist portion

is self-explanatory.

And as far as
the towelette part,

it was stronger
than a tissue.

And although it had
certain towel-like qualities,

it wasn't a towel.
It was...

smaller than a towel,

it was thinner than a towel,

it was lighter than a towel.

It was a--
"Towelette."

-- towelette.

What do you think?

[STUTTERING]
Wow, I--

W-What did your agent say?

Oh, he hasn't even seen it.

You're the first one
I'm showing it to.

I'm gonna
send him this one,

the guy who invented
curly fries,

and also the woman
who first wrote up area codes.

Right, right.
Yeah.

So I'm gonna send them.
What do you think?

I think it's a great idea
for a documentary.

What do you mean,
it's a great "idea?"

No, it is.
"People Who Aren't Famous,

But Should Be."
It's intriguing.

You hear the premise,
and you think,

Why isn't the guy
who invented

the moist towelette famous?

And then you see
the film, and you...

you find out why.

[STUTTERS]

I didn't
love the film, Paul.

I don't understand
what you're saying to me.

I think it's
kind of dull.

Dull!
Dull.

Dull?
Dull!

The moist towelette guy was--
Dull!

Curly fries?
Oh, my god, dull.

Area code woman?

Wanted to fall
on a sharp stick.

Really?
Oh, you're upset.

No, no, not at all.
[DOOR BUZZES]

I liked your little shirt,
that was nice!

Yeah, good.

Hello, Buchman's!

Hey, Mr. Wicker.
Nice to see you.

Actually, a couple things
need fixing.

Yeah, this squeak
in the door.

It's been squeaking...

What happened
to the squeak?

Fixed it this morning.

Well, thank you.
You're welcome.

And also that
little thing in the kitchen.

The stove.
Over the stove.

The thing that
sucks the smoke out.

What is that called?
The vent?

The vent, yes,
is not venting.

I fixed it this morning.

Well, you've had
a busy morning, haven't you?

Heh, thank you.

Reason I'm here
is I was gonna

ask you guys a favor.
Sure. sh**t.

Anything within
our very limited power.

I'm going out of town
I was wondering

while I'm gone if you can
take care of my roof garden.

You have a garden
on the roof?

Yeah. My pride and joy.
So what do you think?

Could you
take care of it for me?

Well, Mr. Wicker,
ordinarily we'd love to...

We have so much
going on.

the baby, and
he's working on--

Okay. I understand.

Just that you guys
are my favorite tenants.

I always
think about you guys

as my friends.
Family, really.

[CHUCKLES]
Well...

That's nice to know.
Really nice.

Very sweet
of you to say.

Shouldn't form an attachment
with tenants

but with you guys,
gosh darn it--

Mr. Wicker--
--couldn't help myself.

We're also
very fond of you.

Ordinarily,
we'd love to--

Oh.
What's the matter?

Boy, is that quiet.

Why don't we take care
of the roof garden?

[♪♪♪♪♪]

Hmm. What do you think?

Is that ripe,
or is it "dull"?

Would you stop.

Sure, that's the one
I meant to take.

It's not like
this is the first time

I didn't like
one of your movies.

As a matter of fact,
yes, it is.

It is?
Yeah,

you've liked everything.

I have?
Yeah, you liked Buchman.

I liked Buchman.
You liked Weed.

I liked Weed.

You liked
Life of a Button.

I love Life of a Button.

Okay, so when you tell me
that my film is dull,

I just gotta say that smarts.
It really does.

What am I supposed to do,
lie to you?

No, you're supposed
to like the film.

But what if I don't?

Then, yes, lie.

Paul Buchman,
how are you?

Stan, how are you?
Nice to see you.

My wife Jamie.
Hello.

Stan Freitus.
Nice to meet you.

And little Mabel.

Oh, isn't that a cutie?

And this is Gunther.

Oh, boy.
How old is he?

Six months.

Huh. My gosh.

Boy, how much
does he weigh?

Gunther comes in
at a healthy .

He's going to Notre Dame
in the fall.

He's a big guy.

Yes. It's from my wife's
side of the family.

They're huge people.
Freaks.

Dutch, Dutch.
Huge Dutch freaks.

Well, he's awfully cute.

It's like carrying
Mickey Rooney around.

Look at this toy,

this is quite a toy.
Isn't it?

Squeeze it.
What?

Squeeze it.

My belly is jolly.

Hello, there.

My belly is jolly.

Where do you get these?
You can't.

It's from Holland.
It's called a Fleuvenheuven.

Floovenhooven?

Heuven.
Hooven.

Heuven.
Fleuven--

Here.
Give me your face.

Heuven.

Hooven.
Almost.

My belly is jolly.

Oh, I love that.

Oh, so does Gunther.

Paul, give the child
his toy back.

Oh, I will.

My belly is jolly.

Honey.
Huh? Okay, okay.

Stan, you're name
sounds so familiar to me.

Yeah, honey,
Stan directed

that documentary
Dog town.

Oh, my god. Stan,
that was a brilliant film.

Oh, thank you.
No, really.

I saw it,
like, three times.

It was so fresh
and original.

Oh, you're very kind.

You should be
very flattered

'cause she's a tough critic.

Here we go.
Yeah, oh, boy.

She doesn't like something?
Boom!

She'll let you know.
She's not shy.

One sentence. Boom!
That's it.

You just die.
Lights are out.

The whole world is over.

You wanna stop living,
you wanna start dying.

You know? She tells you
what she thinks

and the life gets
sucked out of you

till you're just
soulless and sucked out

and dead, dead, dead.

Okay, I gotta go.
It was nice to bump into you.

Nice to see you, Stan.
Bye-bye.

See ya,
little Gunther.

Nine, eight,
seven, six...

Okay, so hisfilm
you liked.

There we go.
Oh, that's good.

You know what?

Maybe there's
been a mistake.

Maybe you should
be married to Stan.

Paul!
Well, why not?

He's not happy
with the Dutch broad.

Please don't do this.

It's part of loving.
Love somebody, love their work.

Well, I disagree.
Well, I don't.

You don't disagree
with yourself? What a shock.

I don't. I think
when you stop loving the work,

I think that means maybe you
love the person a little less.

That is ridiculous!

I think it means
we've reached a higher level

of intimacy and closeness.

[BLOWS RASPBERRY]

My belly is jolly.
[MABEL LAUGHS]

My belly is jolly.

I think our child
has lifted the Fleuvenheuven.

Oh, my-- Let me see
if I can get Stan.

No. Wait, sweetie.
Look how cute they are.

She loves it.
Okay.

My belly is jolly.
W-wait, why can't she keep it?

Why? Because it belongs
to somebody else.

I know, but she's happy,

And he's not gonna remember
where he lost it.

I think you're missing
the point here.

I get the point,
Mr. Goody Two Shoes.

So what are we
gonna do now?

We're just gonna make off
with the Flavenhocker?

Just act natural.

My belly is jolly.

[♪♪♪♪♪]

Mr. Wicker?

Mr. Wicker!

Oh, yeah, Buchman.

Who's coming out next,
Shoeless Joe?

How do you like
my garden?

Garden? It's more like
a small farm you got going.

I like working the land,
Buchman. Oh, yeah.

It's a hell
of an avocation.

Gives me
something to do,

something that's serene
and satisfying

when I feel the world
is getting the better of me.

Sure, sure.

You have an avocation?
A what?

Hobby.
A hobby?

No, I don't.
I don't have the time.

You know, I...

I like cereal a lot,
but I just...

I don't do anything
with it.

You may like farming.
Yeah?

Oh, yeah.
May like the feel

of raw earth
under your fingertips.

The smell of fresh manure
under your shoes.

Ah, now you're talking.

That's something I can
really get behind.

Listen,
I should tell you,

I don't know
how to do that.

I'm sort of
agriculturally challenged.

Me and farming,
is like it's...

It's like oil and...

Can't even make a joke.
You see what I'm saying?

Come on. You're
gonna love farming.

Look, we got corn.

Okay.
Tomatoes...

Lettuce, cucumbers.

If you just grow
bacon bits,

you got a whole
cobb salad right there.

Let me show you this.
What you got?

Look at this.

This is...

Sweet white corn.
Look at that.

Beautiful.
Oh, yeah.

Taste it.

What do you mean?
It's raw.

So?

Mr. Wicker, it's still got
the hair on it.

Taste.

Boy that's some good corn,
there, neighbor!

[LAUGHS]

Okay. Let's talk about
your chores.

All right-y.

Now, this...

This is the garden's
most important tool.

I need you every morning
to come up here

and water these plants enough
till you soak these roots.

Be careful
'cause if you overwater,

you run the risk
of caving in the ceiling

in the Bornstein's
living room.

Bet a lot of farmer's
don't have that problem.

Heh-heh.
Hand me the trowel.

You got it.

What is a trowel?

Little shovel.

Little shovel, little shovel.
Here you go.

Look. This...

This is crabgrass.
Okay.

Crabgrass is the enemy.

Crabgrass will get in your brain
and keep you up at night.

Crabgrass will make you
wish you never been born.

Ooh.

Crabgrass bad.

Right.
Yes.

Watch.

So we dig up the crabgrass
by the roots,

and we never shed a tear.

Good-bye, crabgrass.

Try it.
Yeah?

All right.

Just...

Uh-huh.

It's thyme.

Okay. I didn't realize
you were in a rush, but...

It's thyme.
The spice thyme.

That's thyme?
Right.

I thought I came in
those little glass jars.

Pretty cool.

Okay, so that's crabgrass
right there I got.

Ah. Excellent work.

Okay. This is not
so bad.

Oy!

It's actually
kind of fun.

I told you.
Yeah.

♪ There's a bright golden
Haze on the meadow ♪

♪ There's a bright golden
Haze on the meadow ♪

♪ The corn is as high
As an elephant's eye ♪

BOTH:
♪ And it looks like
It's climbin' ♪

♪ Clear up to the sky ♪

♪ Oh, what a beautiful morning ♪

♪ Oh, what a beautiful day ♪

♪ I've got a beautiful feeling ♪

♪ Everything's going my way ♪

Furthermore...

♪ Oh... ♪

[♪♪♪♪♪]

NEWSCASTER:
A percent chance of rain

for the New York
metropolitan area.

Good, good,
rain is good.

My beans and basil
thank you.

NEWSCASTER:
...with high winds
tomorrow evening.

Winds?
No, no, no, no!

Winds? Beans and basil
don't like wind.

[YELLING]
Hey, you damn wind,
behave yourself!

MAN:
Hey, got your wind
right here,

okay, you nitwit?

Put some pants on!

Hi, honey.

Hi!

Everything okay?

It's gonna blow on my beans.

My goodness.

Did you call
your agent back?

Oh, I will. Hi.

He said he still
hadn't gotten the film.

I know.
I-I'm gonna call him.

Your agent calls five times,
you don't call him back?

Honey, I got
bigger problems now.

Like what?

Like aphids.

Excuse me?

I got aphids.

They're eating my spuds.

I'm on the verge of a major
potato famine up there.

Plus, I'm not sure,
I think I got a gopher.

Oh, dear. Paul...

Come here, come here.

You have to taste this.

This is unbelievable.

This is
a beefsteak tomato.

This is the largest
of the North American

tomato varietals.

It actually has
an actual name.

It's, um...
Phylum tomatus, uh...

What the hell is it?

It's a good tomato,
though.

Oh, my god.

What do you think?
Oh, my god!

Delicious
or is it "dull"?

Delicious.
You grew this?

Yep.
Well, I...

I watered it yesterday,
and I picked it today.

But I was the one who decided
it was ready for eating,

And it did grow for a whole day
under my supervision,

so in essence,
yes, I grew that.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]
Mmm.

Well, way to go.

Oh, it's gonna be
a good harvest this year.

Hello!

Paul? Stan Freitus.

Hi, Stan.

STAN:
Listen, a crazy thing.

[GUNTHER CRYING]
It seems Gunther

has lost his
Fleuvenheuven.

Uh-oh, Gunther lost
his Flavenhoizen?

Yeah, and he's really
upset about it.

[BANGING]
Down, Gunther!

Well, you know,
it's a heck of a toy.

STAN:
I know,
and the last time

I remember seeing it
is when we

ran into each other at
the market--oww!

Gunther! Ow!

That hurts daddy, no!

Anyway, it couldn't have accidentally

fallen into your
stroller, could it?

Accidentally fallen
into ourstroller?

Huh.
You mean-- which would...

free us of any
wrongdoing whatsoever?

What do you mean?
[GUNTHER SCREAMING]

Oh, my god!

Stan, are you okay?

I'm fine. Just tell me
you have the Fleuvenheuven.

Uhh, let me
take a look, Stan.

Maybe I do.

You know what?
Yes, we do.

There's
the Flavingreeber.

Oh, thank god.
I'll be over in four minutes.

[PHONE BEEPS]

What does that mean?

You'll find out.

Sweetie--
One sentence.

"Sorry, Stan,
we don't have the toy."

We could have the Fleuvenberg
free and clear.

You're talking about
lying and thieving.

I'm talking about a toy
your daughter loves.

So she loves that toy,
but she'll love something else.

Look. Little teddy bear.
Make a switch-a-roo.

She'll never
know the difference.

Look what
daddy's got.

Hello, hello, hello.

You take
the teddy bear,

I'll take the Flavenscroller.
There you go.

Okay.

See? In like flint.

[MABEL CRIES]

[♪♪♪♪♪]

[MABEL CRYING]

We're getting
the damn Fluffenutter.

[THUNDER STRIKES]

[DOOR BUZZER]

My belly is jolly.

Happy Gunther
with the Fleuvenheuven!

Sure!

[DOOR BUZZER]
Coming!

Who is it?

PAUL:
It's Paul and
Jamie Buchman, Stan!

Oh, hi.

Hi, Stan.

Sorry to bother you
so late.

We thought you might like
some fresh produce.

Produce?
Take it.

Can we come in?

We need to talk to you
about that toy.

What about it?

We'd like to buy it
from you.

You can name your price.

I'm sorry.
It's not for sale.

Oh, everything's
for sale, Stan.

Please, guys.

It's for our daughter.
How much?

Jamie...
How much?

Jamie!
[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Would you come in?
Excuse me.

Hello.

[WOMAN ON PHONE SPEAKING DUTCH]

Oh, hallo, Wilma.

[SPEAKING IN DUTCH]

It's my wife.

Sure.

[SPEAKING DUTCH]

Don't start!

[SPEAKING DUTCH]

Just hang on,
all right?!

I have to take it inside.
[PHONE BEEPS]

Excuse me.

[SPEAKS IN DUTCH]

[ASIDE]
Crazy Dutch freak!

Wow. Stan got an Emmy?

And a Golden Globe.

Look, and he won a big
square thing.

My belly is jolly.

[WHISPERS]
What are you doing?

Help me. We're
taking this thing.

What?
Come on, will you?

The guy's gonna run outta Dutch.
My gosh, he's big.

We are not taking a toy
out of a child's crib.

Uh-oh.
What?

Gunther's sitting on it.

Gunther get up.

[FORCEFULLY]
Gunther, get up.

Big boy.

Got a pot roast on you?

Maybe we can lure him
to the other side of the crib.

[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Do you know
the difference?

It was one thing when Mabel
took it by accident.

Here we go, big guy.

This is wrong.

Dear god,
he's like sea lion!

Put the child down.

I haven't actually
picked him up yet.

What, you gonna take the toy
and run away?

Yes. You'll
pick up Gunther,

I'll grab the Flackenbush,
and we'll get out of here.

This is not--
Look what you've become.

You're mugging
an infant.

STAN:
You're annoying, Wilma!

Listen to me.

Our daughter is home
crying her little eyes out.

Besides which, I would like
to sleep again before I die.

It's Gunther or us.
Yeah, but--

Gunther or us.
Yeah--

Gunther or us!

Sorry, pal.
Thank you.

You see all his
film awards he's got?

Shh, lift.
Okay.

Careful.
He's very heavy.

Sweetie, he's a baby.
I think I can pick up--

[GUNTHER WAILS]
Oh, my--

See?

Got an ass like a goat.

Okay.

Got it.
[GROANS]

My belly is jolly.

[BABY CRYING]
Sorry, Gunther.

Sorry, Gunther.

We'll get you something.

We gotta get him
something.

And when you're ready,
we have an excellent therapist.

[THUNDER RUMBLES]
My belly is jolly.

[♪♪♪♪♪]

[YELLING]
No!

Not this farm!

[THUNDER RUMBLING]

[YELLING]
Paul?

Get back,
it's too dangerous!

What are you doing?

Must save farm.

What?
Must save farm!

Will you please speak
in complete sentences?

I'm trying
to save the farm!

Why are you doing this?

Honey, if you wanna
be a farmer,

page one of the manual:
save the farm!

But you're not a farmer.
You make movies.

Yeah, "dull" movies.

But I grow
a hell of a tomato.

I'm gonna stick with that.

One dull movie.
The next one

will be brilliant.

How do you know?

Because you're
a wonderful filmmaker.

Hey!

You have a gift.
You have vision.

You're insightful.
You're sensitive.

You're you.
It's your
calling.

Why didn't you say that
in the first place?

'Cause I'm stupid.

That's all I'm saying!

[YELLING]
Where is it?

Uh, hi, Stan.

I want that
Fleuvenheuven.

We have no idea what
you're talking about.

What do you think,

I just fell off
the turnip truck?

You like turnips?
'Cause we have--

A couple of nut jobs
come into my house

and steal a toy
from my child?

We have no
Fleuvenheuven!

No, we don't!

What kind of people
are you?

We would never do that!

What kind of world
has this become?

We would never
take a child's--

I want
the Fleuvenheuven!

And if I don't get it,
I swear to god,

I'll come up here
when you're sleeping,

and I'll throw all
your tomatoes onto th Street!

[WIND BLOWING FIERCELY]

Sorry.

Sorry.

You oughta be.

My belly is jolly.

As god is my witness,

I will never give up
the Fleuvenheuven again!

It's cold as a mother up here!

[♪♪♪♪♪]

The idea for
the perforations came

because we didn't want
to put the towelette

In an individual envelope
like the wash 'n dry,

which is, of course,

The grandfather of all
non-dry cleaning products.

We felt if you would
tear the towelette off,

leaving a nice, attractive
little piece

of the next one showing,

It would be very inviting.

That did it.
She's asleep.

So it shouldn't be
a total loss, huh?
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