07x12 - Valentine's Day

[bunniefuu]

[♪♪♪♪♪]

Okay, here's something
you didn't wanna know.

Martin Glazer
in apartment C

wears a size
underpants.

Ew.

He leaves them
in the washer

for, like, six hours
after they're done

like it's a pot roast.

So finally I had to
take them out myself.

What they don't have
in the laundry room-- Tongs.

How did you know
whose underwear they were?

Because it said right
in the elastic band,

"I belong to Martin Glazer,
apartment C."

Oh.

I touched another man's
unmentionables.

Are you washing
your hands?

Like I'm Silkwood, baby.

What are you
doing there?

I'm wrapping
a certain somebody's

wonderful Valentine's
Day present.

That's sweet,
but can I just warn you?

Whatever you got me,
what I got you,

it's more wonderful.

Pretty wonderful what I got you.
Not even in the same league--

We don't have to argue.
No reason to argue. Okay.

Why don't we take them out
and compare?

I'm ready
when you're ready.

You know, it's going
straight to me.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Happy Valentine's Day
to you.

All right. I'm gonna
guess a necktie.

Oh, you think
you're so smart.

It's not a necktie?
Just open it.

You go first.
No. You.

You're right. You know why?
'Cause what I got you

is gonna be too tough an act
for a necktie to follow.

You're gonna feel
so silly.

What, 'cause it's not
a necktie?

Open it.
Hey, a necktie.

Yes, it's a necktie,

but it's a Paul Smith
necktie.

Oh, that's a beautiful
necktie.

It's great, isn't it?
He's a genius, Paul Smith.

That's just a gorgeous
necktie.

You know, he's English.

I love a nice
English necktie.

Aren't the colors
great?

Really, really
nice colors.

Vibrant, but they're subtle.
Yeah. You know what it is?

They're aggressive, but, like,
there's a humility there.

Exactly. And it's
got that smooth weave,

so it's makes
a small little knot.

This is a fantastic
necktie.

Oh, do you like it?
I love it.

I'm so glad. Second I saw it,
"that's what I wanna get him."

And you were
absolutely right.

This is gorgeous.
Thank you so much.

You're welcome.
Open up yours.

Okay.

What did you do?

You'll see,
and you'll know.

Ooh, picture of a house.

No.
No?

A house.

A picture
of a house.

No.
No?

A house.

Right. A picture of a house.
A house.

Right.

No.
No?

A house.

A house.

Of which this
is a picture.

It's in Westchester.
In Irvington, actually.

Open up the envelope.
Look what's in the envelope.

Look at that.

We've been in escrow
for the last six weeks,

and we close on Tuesday.

Oh, a house.
Yes!

Happy Valentine's Day.

Uh...
I know.

You have reservations
about moving to the suburbs,

which is why I have arranged--
I'm not stupid, okay.

I have arranged
with the sellers--

Mr. and Mrs. Dichristophoro,

who, by the way,
lovely people--

They're gonna let us
spend a night in the house

before we buy it
just to put your mind at ease.

Won't that be great?

How happy are you
with me right now?

No, honey. No,
don't sell yourself short,

'cause the necktie
is also really nice.

[♪♪♪♪♪]

This is the kitchen,
the custom kitchen.

We had a lot of good
times in this kitchen,

huh, Ramona?
Yes, we did.

Look at this, honey.
This is all Formica.

You can't get that
anymore.

Show them
the intercom system.

This is
the intercom system.

There are intercoms
located throughout the house.

It's in mint condition.
Would you like to try it?

Yeah, sure.

Kevin, we got a spill
in aisle .

You can't get those anymore.
Mm.

Tell them about
the living room, Frank.

This is the living room

where we do most
of our living.

Oh, God.

Remember that, Ramona?
Uh-huh.

I took a misstep once
in the attic

and fell through
into the living room.

Oh, look.

You can still see the line
of the replastering.

Frank.

Why don't you tell
them about something

besides the hole
in the ceiling?

Okay.

Over here is the first
thing we purchased

when we moved in--
This table and chairs.

You're not
gonna believe--

These...they're
made from barrels.

Get outta here.
No. Really.

Oh, listen, you're
gonna love this.

Listen to this.

[WHEEZES]

[WHEEZES]

That is great.
Try it.

That's okay.
No. Try, try, try, try it.

[WHEEZES]

Boy,
that is fantastic.

They don't
make these anymore.

[WHEEZES]

Listen,
Mr. Dichristophoro--

[CHAIRS WHEEZING]

Sorry.

Mr. Dichristophoro,
I can't help noticing

you seem upset at the prospect
of selling your home.

Oh, honey, no.

No, honey, no. No.

Well, it's just...

you cut the grass

and you shovel
the driveway

and you pooper-scoop
the lawn for years

because it's yours,

and then...one day,
it isn't anymore.

I know how you feel.
I think--

To everything there is
a season, okay, Frank?

Turn, turn, turn.

[CHAIR WHEEZES]

You see, folks,

the time has come for us
to move out of this house.

Our children Jennifer,
Jessica, Chuckie--

Married, married,
dancer--

Are all grown.

What do we need
with three bedrooms?

Three bedrooms.
And besides,

there's a little
piece of heaven waiting for us

in a town called
Delray Beach, Florida.

[MOANS]

Florida.

Please. Don't start with
the Florida-bashing, okay?

Frank is scared
of Florida.

He thinks
Florida kills people.

I'm just saying,
all the time,

you hear about people
going there.

But you never
hear one word

about them coming back.

Florida is a state
in the union.

How could
a state in the union

k*ll people
pathologically?

What am I, a scientist?

It's the sunshine state,
for crying out loud.

That's not sunshine.

That's the white light
you see before you die.

All right, get your things.
[CHAIR WHEEZES]

The Buchmans are
waiting for us

to leave them alone.

"Buchman"?
Uh-huh.

That's the name you're gonna put
on the mailbox?

Thought we might.

And on the welcome mat,
it's gonna say,

"the Buchmans"?

Seems the natural
thing to do.

And when people drive by,

someone in the car will say,
"who lives there?"

And then someone else
will say,

"the Buchmans"?

I don't know
exactly what--

My God.

Frank!

Mr. and Mrs. Dichristophoro--
[CHAIR WHEEZES]

I had a canary for lunch.
Forgive me. I, um...

I wanna thank you both.
It's so nice of you

to let us have a trial night
in the house.

Well, let me
tell you something.

You two are good buyers,

and a good buyer
is hard to find.

[MUFFLED]
Nice of you to say that.

[MUFFLED]
Thanks a lot.

Frank?

[SIGHS]

[WHEEZES]

JAMIE:
Cold! Cold! Cold! Cold! Oh, God!

[TOILET FLUSHES]

Okay. Guess where
I have been.

Where?
The laundry room.

I wouldn't have
believed it

if I hadn't seen it
with my own-- They have a room

with nothing but
a washer and a dryer

waiting for us to use.

Us and nobody else.

Oh, honey, this is
the greatest thing.

There's no quarters.
There's no elevators.

There's no Martin Glazer
and his big-boy pants.

I was so moved,

I did a load
of colors.

They have washing machines
in Manhattan, you know.

It's not just the washing
machine. Don't you see?

We own land now.

We're landowners.

Like the O'Haras
in Gone with the Wind.

It's a third of an acre.

It's the rich
red earth of Tara.

[IMITATING ECHO]
Tara, Tara, Tara.

Oh, it's so--
Oh, it's brisk in here too.

Wait till you go
to the toilet.

It's like peeing
on a frozen lake.

Ah, it's good
for you.

Good for you.

Look at that.
What?

A little spider on the wall.
Ah! Spider!

Oh! Cold!

Aw, come here, little guy.
Oh, k*ll it!

k*ll it and then
set me on fire.

You don't k*ll a spider. Spiders
k*ll other insects.

So k*ll all of them.
k*ll 'em all.

Open a window.
Gladly.

Ohh!
Colder still!

Okay. Here you go,
little guy.

Out into the world.
Close the window.

Okay. Bye, Spidey.
Excuse me.

No!

Sorry, Spidey.

Mm!

Mm-mm-mm.

Listen to that.

What?
Exactly.

It's so quiet.

I never knew there was
a world this quiet.

[OWL HOOTING]

An owl hoots.

[DOG BARKING]

A dog barks happily.

[LOUD CLANKING]

Chains are dragged
violently across a floor.

What the hell was that?
I don't know.

[CLANKING]

Okay. Is it me,

or is the noise coming
from inside the house?

Oy, gevalt!
Let's go.

What? Where?

Let's go see
what the noise is.

Why?
What do you mean, why?

So there's chains being dragged
violently across a floor?

What is that our business?
You wanna just sit here

and wait for the chains
to come after us?

Maybe they won't
come after us.

Maybe they'll
just go away.

We'll have the element
of surprise.

I don't want the element
of surprise.

I want the element
of hiding under the bed.

You hide under the bed.
I'll go see what the noise is.

No. No splitting up. That's what
always happens in the movies.

They split up,
and two minutes later

I gotta find you
with an a* in your head.

Well, I wouldn't wanna
put you through that.

We're not splitting up,
I'm saying.

So come with me.

Okay.

Really?
Yeah.

You're gonna hit an a* m*rder*r
with a trout?

They hate that.

I sure wish
I had my pants.

[CLANKING]
Ah!

Intercom, intercom.
Intercom, intercom, intercom.

I'll just go back
and pick up my ovaries.

[VOICE MOANS INDISTINCTLY]

What is that now?

I don't know.

[VOICE MOANS INDISTINCTLY]

It's like a voice.

A voice?
Oh, my God.

A voice dragging chains
and a moaning voice.

What are you saying,
that the house is haunted?

Uh-huh.

[VOICE MOANS INDISTINCTLY]

What is it saying?

[VOICE MOANS INDISTINCTLY]

Have some peanut butter
and jelly.

Honey,
we're looking for a ghost.

I'm not gonna stop
and make a sandwich.

That's what
the thing is saying, I think.

Have some peanut butter
and jelly.

Have some peanut butter
and jelly?

Yeah. What do you
think it's saying?

[VOICE MOANS INDISTINCTLY]

Go away, Paul and Jamie.

It's not saying that.
Well, I'm calling .

What are you gonna do,
tell them we're standing

in our underwear with a trout
looking for a ghost?

I wish we
were safely hidden--

Ohh!
Aah!

Not a ghost!
Not a ghost!

It's Beethoven.
Beethoven, see?

Nice. Nice Beethoven.

I can't believe
you did this!

What?

I can't believe you came up here
to the North Pole

and bought a house--
A house--

Without consulting me.
I wanted it to be a surprise.

It's not
a birthday party.

You don't throw somebody
a surprise house.

It happens to be a very
expensive present.

The least you could do is be
a little more gracious about it.

I don't wanna
be here, Paul.

I wanna be in Manhattan.
Where you don't own land.

You own cubic feet
stories above the ground

like a normal person.

Where all the ghosts have gone
away, where you don't walk--

[VOICE MOANS INDISTINCTLY]
Shh!

Shh, shh, shh!
Wait a minute.

What?

The noise is
coming from there.

Careful.

Lead with your fish.

[YELLS]

[MACHINE WHIRRING]

Okay, honey, come here.

Here is your
big bad ghost.

[WHIRRING]

You had to do
a load of laundry?

It was beckoning
to me.

[CLANKING]

It's the quarters
in a pocket from--

What are we gonna
do about this?

We shut it off
mid cycle,

we take out
the quarters.

This. No, no, no.
This. All of this.

[SIGHS]

Well, we can still
back out of the deal

if that's really what you want.
What are you saying?

This is really your idea
of the perfect future?

That's exactly
what I'm saying.

What do you say?
You have to have the city?

Yes.

Well, this is a chance
for one of us

to be a a really big person.

Yes, indeedy.

Oh,
let's buy the house.

Seriously?

Yes.
Let's buy the house.

Why?

Because it will
make you happy,

and when you're happy,
I'm happy.

So I'll be happy.

You're really...

you're a big person.

Yes, I am.

You're a bigger person
than I am.

If you say so.

I say so.

It bothers me a little

that you're a bigger person
than I am,

but you are.
I know.

Thank you for letting me
buy you this house.

You're welcome.
I won't forget it.

I'm not gonna
let you forget it.

I'm kidding,
I'm kidding.

Oh, I love you.
I love you so much.

I love you too.

So guess what.
This is our house.

Yes, it is.

This is Tara.
It's Tara.

Would you mind then

if I carried you
across the threshold?

Of the laundry room?

Would you mind?

Okay.

Would you mind
if we just

walked hand-in-hand
across the threshold?

MAN:
I'd like to welcome everyone

to the closing of escrow
of number Sharon Drive,

Irvington, New York.
Thank you.

And we're very excited
to be here.

Now, Mr. and Mrs. Buchman,
I have in my hand here

the transfer disclosure
statement,

the title search,

and the wood-destroying
pests and organisms

inspection report.

All of which require
both of your signatures.

Not a problem.

[SIGHS]
Frank.

There you go, sweetie.
Okay, thanks.

[SIGHS]
Frank!

You good?
Yeah.

I have here the check
for the down payment

and a second check from
the lender Chase Manhattan Bank

for the balance of
the purchase price.

[WHISTLES]

There it goes, sweetie.
Bye-bye, money.

This is so exciting,
isn't it?

Yes. Yes, it is.

[WHISPERING]
Can I talk to you for a second?

Sure.

Folks, we'll be
right back.

Is everything
all right?

Oh, it's fine.
[CHAIRS WHEEZING]

Just give us one sec.

[SIGHS]

What is it? Are you okay?
Uh, yeah.

What, are you nervous
about spending the money?

Well, yes, but--

Worried we're getting in
over our heads?

Of course, but--
You think we should have gone

with the adjustable-rate
mortgage?

Probably,
but that's not it.

What, then?

I changed my mind.

If it's okay with you,
I don't wanna buy the house.

Really?
You love this house.

You know,
but not really.

It's cold
and there are spiders

and I don't think
that's real Formica.

You're lying.
No, I'm not.

You're lying through your teeth.
No, I'm not.

I know you're lying.
You're lying.

All right. Listen to me.

If this is not your dream,

then I don't want it
to be my dream.

I want us to find
another dream,

a beautiful dream
that will be... our dream.

You know, your dream
and my dream together.

Okay?

You couldn't let me
be the bigger person, could you?

What's that?

You couldn't stand
that I was able to step up

and be the bigger person--
What are you talking about?

Now we can't live
in the city, either.

Why not?
'Cause you come in

with a gesture like this, you
think I'm gonna act like a jerk?

You'd love that, wouldn't you?
Love what?

Then you could be
the bigger person--

Okay, you know what?
You're unstable.

Pardon me?

You are emotionally
and mentally unwell.

And by the way,
a little transparent.

What?
Why don't you just admit it.

You're upset because
I got you a big beautiful house,

oh, don't do it.
and you got me a tie.

Oh!
You went for the tie!

That is just the lowest
of the low.

Well, you know,
I'm not a big person.

Clearly.
Yeah.

RAMONA:
Hello, Mr. Buchman.

Hurry up. We're running out
of crap to talk about in here.

We'll be
right with you.

Look, why don't we just
go deal with them now,

because we're gonna
need a good fight

for the ride home anyway.
What are we gonna say to them?

There are only ,
of these in the world.

Half of them
are in communist China.

All right.
I have an idea.

Just follow me.

Okay. Sorry about that,
everybody.

Very sorry.

[CHAIRS WHEEZING]

We were actually
just discussing

where we're gonna
put this beautiful barrel table

when we move in.
[CHAIR WHEEZES]

I'm sorry?

The barrel table.

What?
What are you talking about?

It looks great here
in the living room,

but I was thinking it might go
in the kitchen

or maybe even outside.
Is it waterproof, do you know?

Buddy! You're not getting
the barrel table.

What do you mean?

This isn't
a furniture store.

You're buying the house.

We're taking
the barrel table.

Ooh, boy.
Uh, Mr. Dichristophoro,

I was just
under the impression

that the barrel table
came with the house.

Well,
that's a dopey impression.

What'd you think, you get
the whole kit and caboodle--

The car, the cat, Ramona?

No, of course not.

Look, Mr. Buchman,

if you want
the barrel table,

you can have the barrel table.
Well, thank you.

Sure. What else do you want?
The tchotchkes,

pictures of my nephew?
Take my sweater.

I don't want your sweater.
Mr. Dichristophoro, please,

I just want the barrel table.
Frank, put your sweater on.

It's not my sweater.
It's his.

Selling the man the sweater.
I don't want the sweater.

I don't want the sweater.
What's the matter,

you don't like the sweater?

It's a very nice sweater.

Then take it.
Take the sweater.

Frank,
give him the sweater.

Ramona.
You still have your cardigan.

[CHAIR WHEEZES]

The barrel table
dies with me in Florida.

Oh, really? Well,
let me tell you something.

If this doesn't stay,
we go.

Mr. Buchman,
please sit down.

Please don't tell him
what to do.

I've never seen
anything like this.

Nor have I.
Sit down.

[CHAIRS WHEEZING]
Sit down.

You two sit down.
Frank, sit down.

I can't sit down.

Watch me. It's easy.
[WHEEZES]

I know how to sit down.
I'm just not sitting down.

Well, if you're not
gonna sit down,

I'm not sitting down, either.
No. Me, neither.

You know what--
What do you think you're doing?

Enough standing
and sitting.

[CHAIRS WHEEZING]

The barrel table is not
part of the sale.

Now, if you can't
accept that, Mr. Buchman,

I will call this deal off
right here and now.

Oh, God!
Be still, Ramona.

[CHAIR WHEEZES]

Mr. Dichristophoro,
I'm sorry.

It really hurts me to say
that I feel betrayed,

and I'm indignant.
I cannot agree to that.

I'm with him.
Oh, my God!

I'm sorry. This deal
is hereby unsolved,

insolved, unresolved,
and dissolved.

You're gonna blow this deal
over that table?

[CHAIRS WHEEZING]

So let it be written.

So let it be done.

[CHAIR WHEEZES]

[♪♪♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪♪♪]

[PLAYING/WHEEZING
"JOY TO THE WORLD"]

[CHAIR WHEEZES]