07x13 - Virtual Reality II

[bunniefuu]

[♪♪♪♪♪]

Again?

♪ Tell me why ♪

♪ I love you like I do ♪

♪ Tell me who ♪

♪ Can stop my heart
As much as you ♪

♪ Let's take
Each other's hand ♪

♪ As we jump
Into the final frontier ♪

♪ Mad about you, baby ♪

[♪♪♪♪♪]

[HUMMING]

Oh, you perfectly
little round pancake.

[SNIFFS]

Ahh!

[DOOR BUZZER]

Just a second!

[BUZZER]

Can a man not eat
a pancake in peace?

Okay!
[BUZZER]

What's the use
of even trying?

Thank you very much
for your patience.

That's awfully
nice of you.

What?
What? What you?

What's the matter,
you depressed?

No, I'm not depressed.

Well, you're
wearing a robe.

So?

Depressed people
wear robes.

So do people who just wanna
eat their pancakes.

Pancakes?

Get away
from the pancakes!

I'm very much looking forward
to the first bi--

That's good!

Yeah, I'm sure.

No, no, no! Taste!

No! It's ruined now.

Why?

You got the first bite.

Pancakes are all about
the first bite.

Taste, huh?

Huh?

It's all right.

Paulie, cheer up.
How about this?

I will buy you
an IHOP.

And what is this?

Sim-Tech Corporation.
You don't remember?

You don't recognize
this name?

Sim-Tech?
Yeah.

Sim-Tech?

Wasn't that the tailor in Fiddler on the Roof?

Your virtual reality
investment, you remember?

You're kidding me.

No. You have been paid back,
pal, and then some.

Oh, I would say so.

Hey! This is-- Nice goin'!

This is beautiful.

Isn't it?

This is going
right into the bank.

Well, that's good.

That's prudent.

That's wise.

Mm-hmm.

How would you like
to make times that

in the next five years?

You know, if I had the time,
I would, but I don't.

All right,
forget about it.

It's not like I was not spot on
right the first time, correct?

But never mind.
You keep your money.

When this other thing
turns huge,

I will be retired
for the rest of my life,

and you, my friend,
will be in your robe

trying to explain to Mabel
why she cannot go to camp.

Fine.

Hey.

Hi.

Ooh, pancakes!
Who made those?

The pancake fairy.

That guy from
the food channel?

I made pancakes.

Oh, man.
What?

What is with you people?
What?

He thinks we're depressed
'cause we wear robes.

Are we depressed?

No!

We're not thrilled,
but we're not depressed.

So, Ira, how's Melissa?

Aw, man, she is so good.

Melissa?
I know not of Melissa.

JAMIE:
New girlfriend.

Really cute,
really smart,

really fun,
really likes me.

Yeah? So what's the catch?
None.

There's always a catch. Listen,
every woman on the earth,

no matter how great,
there's always a catch.

What was
my catch?

You had none.

So, James, what do you
think of this?

"Sim-Tech Corporation."

Our virtual reality
investment?

Yes, ma'am.

Mind like a steel trap.

This is ours?

Yes!

Ira, oh, my God, you are
a very savvy young man.

Thank you.

Should we take the money
and run or roll it over?

"Roll it over."
Listen to her.

What do you think?

What is he,
Charles Schwab?

One time five years ago,
he lucked out.

He doesn't know.

Thank you for
your confidence in me.

You've earned it.

This money should go
right under our pillow.

What's the pillow paying
these days, about . percent?

Okay, James...

check out the latest.

The Sim-Tech
life-predictor.

Uh-huh.

This is
a very powerful computer

that predicts
the future.

Okay. Right under the pillow,
this is going.

No. It's all based
on mathematical probability.

You just plug in
the pertinent information,

and it shows you
your future

within a very small
margin of error.

My God, man.

This thing could
change the world.

I know.
No more famine

'cause we'll
see it coming.

No more pestilence,
whatever that is.

People will be saved
from oppression.

Plus, I will know chicks' phone
numbers before I even ask 'em.

I wanna go
see this thing.

No, we're not.
We have a child.

We have
responsibilities.

If we fall into some money,
you don't just spend it.

You put it away.
That's the whole...

You see this look
you're giving me now?

Yeah.

That is your catch.

Okay, guys, I would like you
to meet Zack Grundfest,

Hello, Zack.

Nice to meet you.

Pleasure
to meet you both.

Zack is the inventor
of the life-predictor.

Oh. Look at you.

When I was your age, I was still
playing with a magna-doodle.

Hey, don't talk
like that to a minor.

Mr. Buchman,
the computer world

the computer world
is replete with boy geniuses.

I'm just a face
in the crowd.

"Replete" means...

A lot of 'em.

So, Zack, you must be
very proud of all this.

Well, it's
my life's work.

Zack, just between us,
and this goes no farther,

this doesn't really
work, does it?

Well, I invite you
to judge for yourselves.

All right.
What do we do?

First, you have to answer
the computer questionnaire,

then let the wall cameras
take a set of photos of you,

and then all you gotta do

is ask the computer
a question

and wait to see if its
prediction will come true.

Have fun, you two.

Yes, enjoy yourselves.
See you later.

Thank you.

All right.
Here we go.

Height.
I'm gonna say ' ".

Weight: .

It's not gonna work
if you don't tell it the truth.

I'm telling the truth.

inches.

Collar size.

"Fears and affinities."

"Sexual preferences."

Favorite book. Uh...

Great Expectations.

You never even read Great Expectations.

I started it, and I thought
it was very well written.

Guess that's it
for the photos.

All right.
Now what happens?

[BEEPING]

Ooh. Something's happening.

All hands
to the fiesta deck.

Hi. How you doin'?

Wow. She's hot.

Thanks.

Hello, Paul
and Jamie Buchman

of number
East th Street.

Hello.

I'm simulated Jamie,

and this is
simulated Paul.

Cheers. How do you do?
I'm Paul Bukeman.

I begged you not to lie
on the questionnaire.

My darling, you're a vision in gray on gray.

Oh, where's
the redo button?

I like this me.

If I wanted to
marry Cary Grant,

I would've married
Cary Grant.

Yes-- Yes-- Yes...

I'm just saying--
I'm just saying...

Hello.

There we are.

Paul, Jamie,

what would you like to know about your future?

You ask, we answer, everyone goes home happy.

Sweetie,
they know the drill.

All right, sir.

Wow.

We don't sound
anything like that.

What should we
ask them?

Will the Harlem
Globetrotters ever lose?

JAMIE:
Paul!

Just...anytime
you're ready,

just type away.

Simulated Paul!

Wow. This thing's good.

"If we go to lunch at Riff's,
what will happen?"

Ooh! Choking man!
Choking man!

Where's the poster with the guy that shows you how to do it--

[DING]

Thanks.

Breadstick.

You're welcome.

We're happy to help.

Well?

Okay, okay.
First of all,

I would never be
as lame as that

in an emergency
situation.

Okay. Then you won't mind
going to lunch and finding out.

Fine. I will
be terrific.

In seventh grade
health class, Mrs. Mendel,

I saved Resuscitation Annie
like three times a week.

You're making us late
for the future.

Okay.

See, honey? Same booth.

Honey, there's only
two booths.

And by the way, your life-
predictor's prediction

for this next booth didn't
exactly come true.

JAMIE:
Just give it time.

My cousin, the most
skeptical man on earth.

I think a certain amount
of skepticism is called for.

Thank you.

Melissa did
the computer profile last week.

I'm still not sure
that I believe in it.

Well, thank you, Melissa,
for your good common sense.

And may I say, everything
Ira said about you is true.

What'd you tell him?

I raved a little bit.

Hey, hey, Chippie,

what do we have here?

Wow.

Uh-oh. He's getting
breadsticks.

Paulie, what did
I tell you, huh?

This guy actually have to
asphyxiate for you to believe?

Excuse me, sir.

Yeah?

You okay?

Yeah.

Sorry.

So, Melissa,
what do you do?

I teach at a school
for underprivileged children.

It's incredibly
rewarding.

Wow. And when
you're not working?

I read a lot,
I work out religiously,

and I'm a pretty big
sports fan.

Oh, unbelievable.

Ask her anything:
baseball, football.

All right. Joe Namath's backup
on the Jets would be...

Al Woodall.

Okay. You're right. There's
a woman without a catch.

Well, not exactly.

No, no, you are.

No. No,
I'm really not.

What do you mean?

Ira, there's something that
I've been meaning to tell you.

It's been on my mind,

and I just don't
feel right going another second

without telling you.

It's okay. Believe me,
whatever you have to tell me,

I'm sure we could
work through it.

Ira, I've decided
that I'm going to become a man.

[COUGHING]

I'm gonna have
an operation and become a man.

You will be my last
relationship as a woman.

[MAN COUGHING]

Now, see, that's what
I would call a catch.

Ooh! Choking man!
Choking man!

Where's the poster with the guy
that shows you how to do it--

[DING]

Thanks.

Breadstick.

You're welcome.

We're happy to help.

I was in a lot
of trouble there.

You're okay now?

Yes, I'm okay.

My name is Jim Weaver.
Hi. Jamie Buchman.

Wait a minute. Jim Weaver
the sports agent?

Yes.
Wow. It's a great pleasure.

You know who
this guy represents?

Evander Holyfield,
Shaquille O'Neal, Brett Favre.

Yeah. It's my pleasure.

You know, I never
get recognized.

She's a big sports fan.

Allow me a small gesture
of gratitude.

We're having a party
tonight at the St. Regis

for Mark McGwire.

You are not.

Yeah.

Mark McGwire?
Uh-huh.

It's gonna be
a lot of fun,

so why don't you come by, okay?

You have a drink,
you meet Mark,

you keep me away
from the breadsticks.

I think we say yes.

That's very nice of you.
Thank you.

So, how do you feel about
the life-predictor now?

Take it away, Zack.

Our money is your money.

You are a genius.

Thank you.
And may I say

this is money
well-spent.

Okay. "What will Melissa
be doing months from now?"

Twenty-four, !

Opposite.

Blue! Hut, hut, hut!

That's just
what you want:

A woman who can
read a defense.

You cannot
take this personally.

James, you know,
you think as you get older,

you can see stuff
coming.

Sparky, this party's
gonna cheer you up.

You think I should
bring Melissa?

No matter how good
a time you show her,

you may not be able
to change her mind.

I'm as romantic
as the next guy,

but once she becomes
a quarterback,

the sex is
going to change.

Thank you. I know that.

I'm not trying
to change her mind.

I just want to give her
a good sendoff as a woman.

I feel a responsibility
to make sure

that she has a positive
last female experience.

Right, 'cause you don't want
her talkin' trash

about you in the locker room.

You're a very
honorable man.

Thank you...

because, you know,
this is new turf for me.

I know.

Tomorrow she and I
are going shopping.

We're looking at
Adam's apples.

Okay.

"If we all go to
the Mark McGwire party,

what will happen?"

Wow.

Gee.

Must've been
a very good party.

[♪♪♪♪♪]

I find it difficult
to believe

that you are gonna end up
in bed with Mark McGwire.

You're jealous.

Sweetie, no,
I'm not jealous.

I'm just worried
about our investment.

Uh-huh.

We have to get you
into bed with Mark McGwire

to make sure that
the machine works.

Well, I suppose if I must get
into bed with big mac...

I think that would be best
for both of us.

Just don't do that goofy thing
you do when we meet celebrities.

What goofy thing?

I don't know.
You get weird.

Remember when
we met Monty Hall?

I was fine when
we met Monty Hall.

Just don't be goofy.

Okay. How about this?

You get an operation also
and become a woman,

and then we can
still go out.

Melissa, I love you,
but I don't think so.

Okay.

I could maybe wear a little eye
shadow, but that's about it.

Hey, Mark, over here.

Tim, the party
looks great.

Absolutely.

Hey, I have
your itinerary

and your room key.

I got a key
at the front desk.

Oh, okay.

Hey, Jim.

Oh, hi, Jamie.

Jamie, Paul Buchman,
say hello to Mark McGwire.

Jamie saved my life
in the restaurant today.

Nice to meet you.

Pleasure to meet you.

It is, isn't it?
Isn't it really a pleasure?

What do you mean?

Isn't my wife
lovely?

Yes, she is.

And you haven't seen half of
her. Look what's going on--

Paul!

Listen, it was really nice
meeting both of you.

Will you excuse me,
please?

Nice goin'.

I was trying to facilitate
the little thing there.

Yeah. Monty Hall.

Hey.
Hi.

Where's Melissa?

Ladies' room.

Maybe for
the last time.

Listen, I'm getting
a little worried here.

We might have a problem.

I'm having
a heck of a time

getting my wife into bed
with Mark McGwire.

Hang on a minute.

Oh, God.

Hey, Mark, Mark McGwire.
Ira Buchman. How you doin'?

Fine. How are you?
I'm good.

I am the cousin of the guy

who's married to the woman
who saved your agent's life.

Good to meet you.
You, too.

So, must be something bein'
the home run champ, huh?

It's a lot of fun.

You must have chicks, like,
throwing themselves at you.

No, not really.

Not that I would know
anything about that.

I have, actually,

an increasingly checkered
history with women, myself.

My latest, this woman
who I'm really nuts about,

turns out she wants
to be a man.

Mm-hmm.

Anyway, uh...

What I wanted to say was,
if I were you,

I would seriously consider

making a play
for my cousin's wife.

What's the deal with
everyone and that woman?

I don't know. I'm starting
to wish I choked to death.

What I'm saying is
we would all, all of us,

be very happy if you and she
were to wind up in bed together.

Thanks, but
I don't think so.

You sure?

It was very nice for Mark
to have met you, Ira.

Opportunity's knockin',
my friend.

Okay, Ira.

I should've stopped
when I was at .

How'd it go?

Not so good.

All right. Excuse me.

Where you going?

Just watch closely.

Hi, Mark. Remember me?

You know, I couldn't
help noticing...

your forearm is the same
thickness as my thigh.

Will you pardon me?

Ooh, that had to hurt,
I bet, huh?

Thinks he's so big.

Yeah.

This is bad.
This is very, very bad.

I think we just gotta
face the facts.

We are gonna lose
all that money.

And also, I think
it's gonna be a long time

before we're invited
to Mark McGwire's house.

This is so depressing.

Can we just go?

Yes. I'm gonna
track down Melissa.

I'm gonna drown my sorrows
a little first.

You want something?

Yeah, sure.

Two vodka sh*ts, please,

and make 'em hurt.

Two vodka sh*ts.

All right, sweetie,
a little toast.

To the unnecessary loss
of a small fortune,

and may that
never happen again.

Hear, hear.

Aah! Wow!
[COUGHS]

Hoo!
Ooo!

That's good.

Very good.

Got any more of that fire water
there, Chester?

Two more vodka sh*ts.
I'm sorry.

[LAUGHING]

Can you believe I was so stupid
that I actually believed

that this machine could
just predict the future?

You're a dummy.

You're a dummy.
You're a dummy.

You're the bigger dummy.

I know you are,
but what am I?

Hello.
This is Tom Brokaw.

[SLURRING]
In Libya today...

Libya.

No, no, no. Libya.

It's so sexy
the way he says it.

Paul, Jamie!

In Libya...

I think you two have
had enough, don't you?

Okay.

"In Libya..."

Okay. Here's what
I want you to do.

I want you to go upstairs
to my room. It's .

Okay? And lay down
for a little while.

Okay.

Okay.

[SLURRING]
See ya later.

Yeah, later.

Aah!
Sorry!

Hey, didn't Hector
say ?

Hector?

Whatever.
You know what?

I'm gonna have a visit
to the little...

drunk bad investor's room.

Aah!

You! What are you
doing in here?

How'd you get in here?

I hate when this happens.

We're rich!

[♪♪♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪♪♪]

Okay, so...

bye.

Bye, Paul.
Bye-bye.

Thanks for being
a good sport about this.

Oh, that's okay.

Every happiness
to you both.

Mark, remember,
sometimes it's just,

it's gonna be easier
to let her have her way.

Gotcha.

And you remember,

they're gonna be throwing you
junk all year long,

so just wait for your pitch,
okay, buddy?

I'll just wait for my pitch
then, you're saying.

Okay, bye-bye, bye-bye.
See ya.

See ya.

Bye-bye.

How are those pancakes?
Pretty good?

Thought
he'd never leave.