07x15 - Murray at the Dog Show

[bunniefuu]

You know what?
You're right. We still got it.

Yeah.

[♪♪♪♪♪]

Ever since he was att*cked
by the puma,

Murray has not
been the same.

Yeah, well,
those puma att*cks

are tough
to put behind you.

He's jumpy
and irritable.

He cowers
at any sign of a cat.

We can't even walk past
the library anymore.

You know, how outside--
The big cats--

Lions.
The two big and... never mind.

Sheila,
it's a real problem.

PAUL:
So, what we've done is...

we've entered Murray
in a dog show.

We're hoping
if he does well,

it will be like
therapy for him.

It'll help rebuild
his self-esteem.

PAUL:
Right, right.

Show him he still
has value as a dog.

Despite the fact
that he was beaten up

by essentially a kitten.

What do you think,
Sheila?

Well, I think worries
over your dog's psyche

should be the worst
of your problems.

Well, not necessarily--
Don't minimize this.

There's something
I want to tell you.

It's a good thing.
It's something

I've been thinking about telling
you for a few weeks now.

It's something
I can't say to all my patients.

What is that?
What?

You're cured.

Your therapy is over.

It has been successful,
but now it's at an end.

I'm always going to be
here for you,

but we don't have to meet
anymore. Congratulations!

What the hell are
you talking about?

What have you been
reading in there?

When you first came to see me,
there were chinks in your armor.

No question.
Sure.

Some bumps here and there.
Hello? Huge bumps.

Yes. But now you're
in a good, healthy place.

You're well-equipped to deal
with what life throws at you.

And so it's time for me

to send you off
into the world

so you can spread
your wings of sanity

and fly across the great happy
plains of the well-adjusted.

What the hell are
you talking about?

You're healthy enough.

Healthy enough?
Jamie.

It's that we're boring,
isn't it?

Fly, little birdie.
Fly away.

Is it that I
don't cry enough?

Oh, honey, I don't--
'Cause I can cry.

I can cry a lot.

Oh, like Mandy Patinkin.

Now, listen, Jamie, I can
understand what you're feeling.

It's natural for people to have
some trepidation

when therapy ends.

But I urge you to stay calm
and resist the panic reflex.

Okay.

I'm not leaving.

Can I just say, I'm...

I'm glad we're cured.

We are not cured.

You especially
are not cured.

What does that mean?

See.
What does that mean?

Paul, Jamie...
This is ridiculous.

We are not
healthy enough.

Don't you take any pride
in your product?

People are gonna meet us,
they're gonna say,

"who's your therapist?"
and we're gonna tell them.

You don't want that.
Jamie, Paul,

it's with a bittersweet heart

that I bid you
a fond farewell.

Wow, okay.

Well, you know what, Sheila?
Thank you very much.

What does that mean,
"healthy enough"?

She's saying we're
healthy enough.

I always thought leaving therapy
would be a process.

It is. Goodbye.

Okay, listen,
best of luck to you.

My understanding is that it's
like a gradual, kind of...

Uh-huh.
Other places, not here.

That they ease you off
into some kind of awareness...

All right. I'm gonna
walk away. Thanks.

Why do you see this
as a bad thing?

What are we gonna do
without therapy?

We'll be saving money, and we'll
have an extra hour to-- To...

To do something that
takes about an hour.

And, by the way,
we're also not crazy anymore.

To me,
that's a big plus.

Oh, you are really
gonna believe

that woman's psychological
assessment of us?

She's our therapist.

So?

Honey,
it's all relative.

You know, look, you're certainly
saner than this guy.

At least we're dressed, and we
don't smell like shrimp salad.

I'm just worried
that as problems arise,

we aren't gonna be able to deal
with them without Sheila.

What if-- What if
there were no problems?

We'll think
of something.

Do you hear yourself?

You know
what I'm saying.

Look, whatever problems arise,
we will deal with

like the pillars
of mental health that we are.

Yeah.

Halt.
I'm sorry?

Are you aware
you crossed the street

in the middle of the block?
Oh. I guess so, yeah.

I'm afraid I have
to give you a ticket.

You're kidding.

Yes. It's a big prank.
Your name, please.

Oh, come on.
May I have you name, please?

You may not.
Excuse me?

It's okay, officer.
Honey, it's okay.

No, it's not okay.

It's insane.
This is New York.

People sh**t each other
for a chicken sandwich.

Fires are burning
in the street.

You're giving us
a jay-walking ticket?

Can I have your name,
please?

Yes. Yes. My name is
Terror Reigns in this City.

I am Mrs. Terror
Reigns in this City.

Is there no better use
of your time?

My name is Mrs. "is there no
better use of your time?"

That is my name.

Officer, you have
to excuse, Mrs. Time.

Uh, it's just...
we've been trying to...

Your name, please?
No!

I'm going to give you one
more chance to peaceably accept

this justice that is being
meted out to you. Otherwise--

DISPATCHER:
All units in the vicinity,
a in progress.

Hey, a is
now in progress.

A that you
could have prevented

had you not been hunting down
renegade jay-walkers.

This
is on your head.

Lipksy, roger. Wait here.

Yes, sir, ma'am.

Come on.

What are you doing?
What are you doing?

You're not actually
gonna stand here and wait

for her to come back and give
you a jay-walking ticket?

That's what a healthy, mentally
well-adjusted person would do.

Okay, this alone is proof that
you need to stay in therapy.

Come on.
What are you gonna do, flee?

She never even
got our names.

She has no idea
who we are.

I'm-- I'm not comfortable
on the lam.

You know, I mean,
I like to be off the lam.

I do a little better
off the lam,

maybe a bit
to the left of the lam.

Fine. You know what?
You stay

and wait for the nice lady.
I'm leaving.

You're not going.
You can't go.

Sweetie, you can't go.

These are not the actions
of a healthy person!

Wait for me!

Come on, Murray.

Nat, show us
what you got.

NAT:
So, Murray, we're gonna
plant ourselves,

and we're gonna just leap.

Murray, Murray.

Murray, right through here,
we're gonna just leap.

Let's think about the
possibility of just leaping.

[SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]

Stick the landing.

Stick it.

Looking good there,
Nat.

Mrs. Buchman, ya sure this dog
show is such a fabulous idea?

I mean, Murray's
gonna be required to negotiate

all these obstacles here.

You know,
maybe he's right.

Maybe we should
pull Murray out.

It's all
these fancy people,

and I gotta get a blazer.
Absolutely not.

Nat, this dog show
is Murray's therapy.

Unless you think
he's cured too.

Don't hold
her like that.

Why not?
Because it pinches her.

You're pinching her.
[SCREECHES]

[YELPS]

[WHIMPERING]

Cured?
I wouldn't say cured.

Instead of being afraid
of a kitty cat, Murray,

we could weave.
Huh, you wanna weave?

Let's weave. Murray, weave.

Thinking about starting
the weaving process here?

I think you can make
things worse for Murray

if he doesn't perform well.

I mean, he's going to get in
some kind of huge canine--

What is the matter
with you?

How do you know
they're not looking for us?

I can't believe you think
you're cured. Oh, my God.

Hey, Billy Joel.

Are you okay?

Yeah, he's my husband.

Oh, yeah, I been there.

Big star like that.

What's he doing
in the park?

We proudly climb...

Yeah, honey, he's gonna be
the star of the dog show.

He will rise
to the occasion.

PAUL:
I wanna believe, but--

He is staying
in the dog show, Paul.

Somebody in this family deserves
a fighting chance

at mental health.
You know, for centuries,

there was no such thing as
therapy and people did fine.

The truth is
there's something

I wanted to bring up
in therapy next week.

What?
I don't wanna tell you now.

I wanna tell
you in therapy next week.

Well, there is
no therapy next week.

No, there isn't,
is there?

So maybe you should
just tell me now.

I don't wanna
talk about it now.

Why not?
Because I don't.

Well, whatever it is,
we'll just deal with it.

It'll be easy.
Just blurt it out.

I don't want
to blurt it out.

It's not the kind of thing
you just blurt out.

Blurt it out!
I want you to get a vasectomy.

Didn't see
that one coming.

Oh, dear God,
Murray, please climb.

You just blurt
something like that out?

I've given it a lot of thought.
I wanna get off the pill.

I get bloated,
my breasts are tender.

Me and Murray are gone head over
to the teeter-totter

which is over there, more
distance. Come on, Murray.

I wanna find a different form
of birth control.

And that's the only possible
option that you could imagine,

some guy slices my urethra?
It's not your urethra.

Whatever it is,
it's not good.

It's not
that big a deal.

Honey, when somebody
shaves your groin,

that's a big deal,
okay?

And by the way,
if I get a vasectomy,

that means we can't have
any more children, so.

Oh.

Really?

I've been feeling like maybe
one is enough.

You couldn't squeeze that
into today's session?

[♪♪♪♪♪]

Sheila?

Hi, Paul.
What are you doing?

Oh, I, uh, I just
thought I lost something.

Oh...okay.

Um, I was, I-- I--
I need to talk to you.

Oh, boy.

Here's the thing.

I understand that
I'm cured, I really do.

But the truth is, and I think
we both know this,

I was never exactly
the crazy one to begin with.

Oh, Paul--
Now, hey, hey,

I say nothing bad
about anybody else.

You know, you don't
have to confirm or deny.

It's just that I see how hard
Jamie works in therapy,

and I love her for it,
I really do.

But between you and me,

that woman has no business
getting off the couch.

I don't think
this is the time--

No, hey, I caught it.
What?

That little throat-clearing
thing you did. I caught it.

What are you
talking about?

When you said
we were cured,

you said,
"you're cured, ahem."

"You're cured, ahem."

Like, "I'm not saying both of
you, but you know who you are."

I got it.
Okay, we should stop--

Hey, you're right.
Enough said.

The point is--
My question now is,

what do I do
about this poor kid?

I mean, two minutes after
you tell her she's cured,

she's on the street,
she's yelling at the police.

Then she's fleeing the scene
of a traffic violation,

and then she lashes out at me,
"I want you to get a vasectomy,"

and "I don't want to have
any more children with you."

I mean,
she's a big nut now.

She's really
become quite the nut,

and I'm just
concerned that--

[SIREN WAILING]

Paul, what are you doing?

Okay. Hmm? Nothing.

So I need to know
what we need to do

about this big nut.

Paul, you just
finished therapy.

This is a time
for love, patience,

and positive
reinforcement,

not name calling and disdain.
No disdain.

Whatever she says,
she's right.

Even about
the vasectomy?

Yes. In fact, you should be
the one to bring it up again.

Say-- Say you've
thought about it,

and you think
it's a wonderful idea.

But I don't. I think it's a bad,
bad... It's a big stinky idea.

Paul, she's not going to make
you get a vasectomy.

She just wants
to talk about it.

She wants
to talk about it.

Yeah.
Oh, well, all right.

Hey, listen, are you sure?
Yes, I'm positive.

But if you're wrong--
Snippy, snippy--

There goes my vena cava.

It isn't your vena cava.

Whatever it is.
The point is

if you think that we should go
back into therapy,

even if it's just for Jamie's
sake, I'm willing to do that.

No, it isn't
necessary, Paul.

Are you-- Are you sure?
Yeah, positive.

All right. So I should talk
to her and tell her--

Just talk to her
and tell her

you're willing
to have a vasectomy.

Okay. Even though I'm not gonna
have to do it,

but just let her have that.

Yeah, just give her that.
Okay.

Okay.
Okay, good. This was good.

Thank you.
You're welcome.

All right, thanks.
Thank you very much.

You're very welcome.

Are you going...?
No, I gotta, you know...

For God sakes,
let me give you something.

Oh, no, no, no.
Listen, I made you work.

Let me compensate
you for your time.

No, no,
it's okay, Paul.

Are you sure?
I'm positive.

Well, that's very generous
of you there, Sheila.

Thank you.
You're welcome.

Okay.
Bye-bye.

I'm gonna go, then.

Okay. See ya.

I'm just...

Oh, green light.

Okay.
Okay, then.

My children hate me.

My husband
laughs at me.

Each day I feel myself
slipping away a little more.

I just don't see the point
in going on.

Mrs. Peterson,
it is very important

that you stop saying
things like that.

It worries me
that perhaps--

I'm so sorry.
Jamie?

Oh, my God, I'm just
so terribly sorry to interrupt.

I know it violates every rule
of therapy etiquette

to walk in
in the middle of a session.

But I'm in
a really bad way here.

I waited
as long as I could.

You guys aren't gonna
be done until of,

and by that time I'd have jumped
out a window. I'm so sorry.

This is going
to take exactly one second.

And when you hear
what it's about, believe me,

you'll sympathize.
I really must ask--

Sheila, let's be honest,
I may be cured.

I mean, I know I am.

I kind of knew that you were
gonna tell me I was.

But Paul, I realize,
the poor guy,

he's just not making the same
kind of progress.

Jamie.
I know.

I know
it's totally uncool

for you to admit
to one member of a couple

that she may be farther along
than the other.

So don't say anything. I'm gonna
say something to you.

When you told me and Paul
that we were cured,

I saw you wink at me.
For God's sake, Jamie.

I didn't say anything
at the time,

but I saw, Sheila.
I saw.

And I knew what you meant.
All right, look--

From the minute we
walked out of here,

he's been having
these paranoid fantasies

that the cops
are after us

because we blew off
some jay-walking ticket.

Can you imagine?
And then yesterday,

we had our first,
sort of,

serious post-Sheila
conversation,

and I'll tell you, what a barrel
of laughs that was.

I gingerly broached the subject
of a vasectomy.

He flipped out is what he did.
He lost it.

He snapped like
an autumn twig.

Can you imagine?

Please! Please, can we
come back, Sheila? Please.

I'll stop stealing
the magazines.

We'll pay you
under the table.

Forgive me,
Mrs. Peterson.

Jamie, coming back
is not necessary.

Paul is just experiencing
simple separation anxiety.

What you need to do right now is
build him up, not tear him down.

So whatever he says,
he's right.

If he thinks the cops are
after him, you go along with it,

act like they are.
Ultimately, he'll see

that his terror is groundless,
and he'll let it go.

Then you two will be able
to solve your own problems.

I don't know. You say it
with such conviction.

That's because it's true.

Okay. Okay, Sheila.

Okay. Look, Jamie...

And listen, I'm so--
Oh, dear!

Oh, dear God,
Mrs. Peterson.

Put that down.
Life is worth living.

Life is essentially
a positive experience.

Sheila, are you--
Have you got her?

'Cause I'm late, so I'm gonna...
Yeah.

ANNOUNCER:
Good afternoon,
dog lovers.

Please direct
your attention

to the carpet for the North
American Kennel Club's

Mixed Breed Competition.

And now at
the starting line,

Shirley.

Wow!

Shirley is incredible,
huh?

Uh-huh.

You got nothing, Shirley.
No stick.

You don't even know who
your father is.

Hey, hey.

You don't yell
at a dog like that.

It's a sporting event.

I'd say the same thing
to Jack Nicklaus.

[YELLING]
Shirley! Shirley!

We're so sorry.

ANNOUNCER:
Shirley's time,
. blistering seconds.

And now Bucky.

Yo, Bucky, you suck!

If you have a sign that says
John : ,

I want it now.

SHEILA:
Paul, you bring up
the vasectomy.

[ECHOING]
Vasectomy... Vasectomy.

Whatever she says,
Paul, she's right.

She's right,
she's right.

Tell her, tell her,
tell her. Now!

You know
what I think?

I think-- I think I should
get a vasectomy.

Really?
Yeah.

Yeah, because, you know,
I been thinking about it,

and...we already
have a kid,

and the pills,
it's so unpleasant.

You know, with your head
and your breast,

bloating and exploding,
you don't need that.

I could snip, snip,
right in the aorta.

It's not your aorta.

Whatever it is.

SHEILA:
Jamie, indulge him
about the cops.

You know
what I think?

[ECHOING] The cops... The cops.
I think--

I think you're right.

I think the cops
are looking for us.

Seriously?
Yes.

Sweetie,
that's a security guard.

He doesn't even
have a whistle.

The guards
could be lulling us

into a false
sense of security,

so the cops
can fly in and nail us.

Really?
Yes!

Look,
there's another guard.

The place is
lousy with 'em.

You're not just mocking me now,
are ya?

No.

ANNOUNCER:
And now, Jeepers.

Because I'll tell you something,

this is a very real danger.
Who's ducking?

But the ducking
could be part of the mocking.

I am ducking
from the bottom of my heart.

You're mocking me.
You are mocking me.

I am not mocking.

You're mocking.
You're mocking.

No, gently. The littlest bit
of mocking. Hardly--

It's a little silly,
isn't it, the ducking?

It's no sillier
than a vasectomy.

Whoo, whoo,
whoo, whoo, whoo!

ANNOUNCER:
. seconds. And now,

Mucus.

Correction, Mocus.

Besides, the procedure
is reversible.

Oh, yeah. By all means,
let's just rely on that.

Paul, we have
a beautiful child.

I assumed
that you'd want to have

maybe another
beautiful child.

How many?
I don't know.

More than one.
Two, maybe three.

If we're up to it,
four.

Four, really?
I'm just picking a number.

ANNOUNCER: And now, Murray.
Come on, Murray!

Show 'em where you live!

Here we go.
Here we go, pal.

[YAWNING AND WHIMPERING]

Please, come on.

Shall we hit the ol'
starting line, Murray?

Okay, there.

Here we go.

[STRAINING]
All right, then.

There we go.

Okay, commence, Murray.

Four children? Why not ?

You know, when you use sarcasm,
you tear down,

you don't build up.

I'm sorry.
It's just the sheer absurdity

of the number-- Four!
It just went up to five.

What?!

Keep biting at me, baby!

Okay, first of all, I'm not
the baby. You're the baby.

Six.
I'm dealing with a crazy person.

Six kids.
Do I hear seven?

How can you poss--
Eight.

Eight kids. I now
want eight children.

Well, good luck.
Nine, we're gonna have nine.

You know what?
We'll save time, kids.

Murray, commence.
Please, God.

SHEILA:
Those puma att*cks are tough

to put behind you,
behind you, behind you.

Here we go,
let's commence.

[ECHOING]
Puma att*cks...
Puma att*cks... Puma att*cks.

Comm-- Commence means start.

SHEILA:
Puma, puma, puma.

Just commence here.

[MEOWS]

[♪♪♪♪♪]

ANNOUNCER:
. seconds.

Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome your champion,

Murray!

We're in first place!
We're in first place!

What are you,
kidding me?

Hey, Mr. and Mrs.
Buchman...

Whoo!

You did it, boy!
You did it!

See, I told you. Look at
the self-esteem in his eyes.

I wonder
what that's like.

You'll never know.

[♪♪♪♪♪]

And you had this whole argument
in the middle of a dog show?

Mm-hmm.
Uh-huh.

You guys are nuts.

This is what we're saying.
Huzzah!

[♪♪♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪♪♪]