07x18 - Stealing Burt's Car

[bunniefuu]

[♪♪♪♪♪]

♪ Itsy-bitsy spider ♪

♪ Went up the waterspout ♪

♪ Down came the rain ♪

♪ And washed
The spider out ♪

♪ And, uh...
Tipper Gore ♪

♪ Has a lot of clout ♪

♪ And...
Sometimes you sit ♪

♪ And you could
Start to pout ♪

♪ Some people have, um ♪

♪ A very bad case
Of gout ♪

♪ And if
You're not sure ♪

♪ That's called
You doubt ♪

That's how it goes.

♪ Tell me why ♪

♪ I love you like I do ♪

♪ Tell me who ♪

♪ Can stop my heart
As much as you ♪

♪ Tell me
All your secrets ♪

♪ I'll tell you
Most of mine ♪

♪ They say
Nobody's perfect ♪

♪ Well, that's really
True this time ♪

♪ I don't have the answers
I don't have a plan ♪

♪ All I have is you
So, baby ♪

♪ Help me understand ♪

♪ What we do ♪

♪ You can whisper
In my ear ♪

♪ Where we go ♪

♪ Who knows what happens
After here? ♪

♪ Let's take
Each other's hand ♪

♪ And jump
Into the final frontier ♪

♪ Mad about you ♪

♪ Mad about you ♪

[♪♪♪♪♪]

Clam chowder.
That would be a soup.

Rice cakes. That would be
a snacking item.

And pimentos. Pimentos.
Boy, that's, hmm,

fruits? Vegetable?

We'll say miscellaneous.

It's nothing to be
ashamed of.

Condiment.

Seriously?
Trust me.

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

Yeah. Tell me again
why we do this.

Because last night we ate
-year-old creamed corn.

I thought it was gravy.

Hey, splink, how are you?

Hello.

What's the matter
with you?

What?

Why are you walking
like that?

Like what?

Like a-- like a really
timid monkey.

Hey, can I have this?

No, you can't have it.

Hi, James.

Hey. Nice pants.

Thank you.

That's what it is--
the pants!

What?

The pants, with your funny
little walk there.

Look at you.

You know what,
my friend?

You are just jealous
because I can still

fit into a pair of pants that
I wore years ago.

And you're saying you're
comfortable in these pants.

More or less, yes.

Yeah, okay.
Tell you what.

Here's bucks. If you can pick
it up, it's yours.

[FABRIC TEARING]

Hello, hello,
hello, hello.

Yeah. Nice
talking to you.

Well, they look
really nice.

Thank you, James.

So, Paulie, uh,

come with me today,
will you, huh?

What's today?

Oh, Ira's got a very,
very fascinating date.

With who?

I have no idea.

What am I missing?

Last week, after
a very lengthy hiatus,

I actually put on
these pair of pants,

and in the pocket,
I found this.

What is it?

It's a program from
the Hayden Planetarium

from, like, .

Somebody wrote a note, see,
with today's date. p.m.,

and a little note
saying, "See you then."

Wow.

Wild, isn't it?

She kissed it.
That's so sexy.

Well, listen...
we're hoping it's a she.

You have no idea
who this is?

James, come on.
It was the s.

I had a Trans Am, a beautiful
set of muttonchops,

and an afro that
made me look ' ".

It's great
that you're going.

It's like fate.

What is?

That Ira would trim down

just in time
to fit into these pants

that have been in mothballs
since, like, ,

that you find this in the pocket
and keep the appointment.

It's destiny!

Yeah.

She gets like this
when she cleans.

Paul, are you
coming with?

No, I'm wiping peanut butter
here. I got a lot to do.

But if it turns out it's
destiny, you'll call us up.

Okay. Just hope if she
turns up, she's not some nut.

Well, if she's some nut,
you call us up.

Are they
really pop tarts?

What's it to you?

I'm just surprised,
that's all.

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

Hey-- Oop!
I'll get that.

Gets like what?

What?

Gets like what?

What?

Hey, Aunt Syl.
Hey, Uncle Burt!

BURT:
Howdy, howdy, howdy!

Why are you walking
like that?

Aw, it's nothing.

I have a cream.

JAMIE:
Hey, Burt, Sylvia.

Oh, hi.
Hi.

Is that your rearview
mirror again?

Yup.

You still driving
that piece-of-junk car?

Hey, watch it, buddy.

You've had this car
since I'm .

There's no reverse.

Seriously, since

the man has only
driven forward.

Wherever you need
to go it reverse,

there's a way to get
there in forward.

I understand that, but--

What do you think
people did

before there was a reverse,
Mr. Big sh*t?

I don't know what
they did, but my point--

All right,
the "reverse" conversation.

That's it. Listen,

if you don't hear from me
before Thursday,

you call somebody,
all right?

Good luck.
Go get 'em, monkey.

Paulie,
your father and I

are going away
for the weekend.

I wonder, could we borrow
your big suitcase?

Sure. What happened
to yours?

Your father keeps
his TV Guidesin there.

Sylvia, where
are you going?

Oh. Remember
the Melvilles?

Enough.

Yeah. Well,
we're gonna house-sit

for them in Buffalo.

We're driving up there
tomorrow afternoon.

You're driving?
Yeah.

Oh, no, no.
No, no.

We'll be fine.

No, you are
not driving

that stinky car
to Buffalo.

You can rent one.

Oh, why rent one?
I got snow tires.

Yeah, well, when the snow
tires get to Buffalo,

they can send for the rest
of the car.

Okay, listen, come on, Burt.

We got to pack.

We'll call
when we get there.

All right, but--
be-be careful.

Burt, come on. I have
to cut the carrots,

I have to make
the egg salad...

Road trip!

Yeah, all right,
but, jeez, be...

This is not good.

This is very not good.

All right.

What are you
gonna do?

I am gonna rent them
a car.

No, no, no. You know
he'll never go for that.

Well, this trip to Buffalo
is not gonna happen,

so please tell me
what we should do.

[SIGHS]

Remember when you lost
your Notre Dame t-shirt?

Yeah. I loved that shirt.
I used to wear it every day.

Yes, you did.

You hated that shirt.

You always--
you said it was ratty

and smelled
like Fontina cheese.

Mm-hmm. And then
you lost it.

But it all turned
out for the best

because people stopped
laughing and pointing.

That's true. I was a better man
without the shirt. I never

figured out how I lost that
shirt. It was in the hamper,

and then it was in the drawer,
then it was, like...

gone.

Are you kidding me?

I did it
because I love you.

What are you saying?

I'm just saying
that sometimes,

when things
don't work so good,

they need to...

disappear.

And it's for the best?

Yes...

I'm so scared of you
right now, I'm aroused.

MAN:
As we ponder
the celestial magic

of the summertime sky,
we know one thing for sure.

That's a lot of stars.

Thank you for coming.
Have a nice day.

Hey, how you doing?

Get lost.

Ah, hey, years.
Long time, huh?

Why, you haven't
aged a day.

Whoa!

Hey, long time no see.

How's it goin'?

Do I look
familiar to you?

No, I guess not.

My god,
the pants still fit.

Marianne!

Of course!

Mwah!

You didn't even
remember.

No, no, I did. I did.

Well, you know,
not exactly.

But, hey,
I showed up, didn't I?

Yeah.

Oh, you look good!

Please. I look great.

Yeah, you do.

You look great.

[GROANS]

You all right there?

Oh, yeah. I'm good.

So, how you been,
Marianne?

I'm dating a duke now.

A duke?

Yeah, well, you know,

when you become
what they call ensconced

in the upper social crest,
that's who you meet--

Dukes, earls--
them kind of people.

What is he the duke of?

Hmm?

I mean, if he's a duke,

he's gotta be
the duke of something.

Oh, whatever.

The point is, he's even more
loaded than the last one.

You?

How's your life?

Good. Good. It's great,
as a matter of fact.

I opened new stores, so, you
know, business is booming,

really keeping me busy.

Oh, that's good.

And also I'm dating
a supermodel,

which, you know, is great,
because she's just--

Ooh, she's so beautiful.
But you know what?

She's also really
a very good person.

Uh-huh.
Yeah.

Ah, who am I kidding,
Marianne?

You know, the truth is,

I am running my one business
into the ground.

My last girlfriend became a man
just after I started dating her.

The other day, a -year-old guy
in a deli stole my bagel.

Wow, Ira, that's
a really sad story.

Want to hear
an even sadder one?

I'm completely broke
and living with my mother

in Secaucus, New Jersey.

What?

What happened to the money?

I spent it.

Oh.

Jeez, Marianne,
I'm sorry.

Ah, what are you
gonna do?

I had my fun.

Hey, hey, hey.

Here's a crazy thought.

How about-- just until
you get on your feet--

how about you
come and stay with me?

Let's skip the whole,

"I couldn't, you could,
I couldn't, you could" thing.

I'd love to.
Terrific.

Thank you, Ira.

Ah, you're welcome.

So what do you want to do?
You want to go somewhere?

Where?

Anywhere. I gotta
get out of these pants.

There's parts of me asleep that
have never been asleep before.

Oh, my god.

Each time I see it,
it gets a little sadder.

Are you sure we're doing
the right thing?

Please don't turn out
to be a bad person

to steal a car with.
Okay. Okay.

Let's just do it.

We're not-- not stealing
the car. Just...

How's it going there,
honey?

You know what?

This is the key
for the ignition.

There's a separate key
for the door.

Oh, my god,
this car is so old.

Are you kidding?
This is the car

that Henry Ford drove to the
place where he invented the car.

All right.
Stand back.

Sometimes if you hit it
just right...

I used to be able to--

Let's see here.
I gotta go up and under.

Where did you learn
to do that?

The Todayshow.

Man, your father's
got a lot of junk in here.

So now what do we do?

Now we find an alley,
take off the plates,

file the serial number
off the engine block.

It'll be like
the car never existed.

I gotta start watching
the Todayshow.

[CLATTERING]

Ebony?

Ever since
I can remember.

Does that guy look like
an undercover cop?

Honey, he's a guy
buying a cantaloupe.

I don't think
he's buying cantaloupe.

Look at how
he's handling them.

That's exactly the way
you handle cantaloupe

when you're actually
an undercover cop

pretending to be
buying cantaloupe.

He must be from
the elite melon squad.

[SIREN WAILS]

OFFICER:
Get out of the car
with your hands up.

You see, thatwould be a cop.

[♪♪♪♪♪]

This was a bad call,
Jamie. A bad call.

It'll be fine. Your parents
aren't going to press charges.

But the cops
are gonna grill us.

Let's-- let's get
our stories straight.

Just whatever I say,
you go along with it.

Okay.

What?
Honey.

Okay.
Don't worry.

All right! Let's go!

This way, please.

What?

Wait a minute.
We're actually together.

This is Buchman,
party of .

Move it, please!

Shut up, please!
But--

Okay.
Honey! Don't worry.

Ha-ha-ha! Dos cervezas
coming right up.

And, hey!
Stay beautiful, baby,

but more than that,
stay a good person.

[LAUGHING]

Oh! Hey!

Hello.

Ira, Chuck.
Chuck, Ira.

How's it goin'?

Good, sir.

Can I use the bathroom?

Sure. It's right there.

He's a sweet kid.

He thinks I look like
Drew Barrymore.

I'm happy for you.

He's a terrific,
terrific kid, you know?

What time you gotta have him
back to the orphanage?

Cut it out.

Hey, you want
a beer?

Sure.

How's it goin' in there?

I don't know.

People seem to be
enjoying themselves.

Tell me something.

You still doing
that running man move?

No. I was asked
to stop that.

Thank god.

Really glad you're here,
Marianne.

Mmm.

Me, too.

We're the Buchmans.

Yes. Mr. And Mrs.
Buchman.

I'm detective Sharp.
Have a seat.

Oh, my god, Burt,
did you hear that?

"Have a seat." Good never
followed that sentence.

All right, easy, babe.

We found a car that matches
the description

of the one that you
reported missing.

The license plate
number's OUS,

a Chevrolet
Monte Carlo.

How's business
for you? Good? Okay.

So I have to inform you

that the car was found
not to be road-worthy.

As a matter of fact,
it's not even insult-worthy.

We had to impound it.

When's the last time you had
the car inspected, Mr. Buchman?

Uh...I...
Uh-- uh-- well--

Come on, pop,
think, think.

Smack yourself in the head.
Think about it.

Instead of questioning us,
the victim,

shouldn't you be out
looking for the parps?

The who?

The parps. The people who
committed this heinous crime.

The perps.

What?

The perps.
Perpetrators.

Fine. Good. Them.

Shouldn't you be out
looking for the perps, Sherp?

Parps.
Sharp.

I'm sharp, they're perps.

Just find them!

Great. Thank you, ma'am.

Look. Listen.

We found a Jamie and Paul
Buchman at the scene.

[GASPS]
[GASPS]

My own son
and daughter-in-law?

I mean, why would they?

I don't know, maybe because
their whole lives

they live
in your shadow,

even as you vicariously
live through them,

forcing on them all your
unfulfilled hopes and dreams

whether they want it or not.

What?
I don't know.

There's got to be
some explanation.

Yes. My son Paulie
would never steal from us.

Neither would
his wife Jamie.

I'm not so sure
about that.

On many an occasion,

I've seen her eyeing my Bavarian
chocolate-cake plates.

So, you're into anti-Semitic
desserts. Good.

So, kids, you gonna
press charges or not?

What are you saying,
that they've confessed?

No, but they will.

You're kidding.

Yeah. It's a big prank,
pops.

Holy moly.

Well, we do not wish
to press charges.

Okay.

Not so fast, Sylvia.

Okay.

What are you saying,
Burt?

Well, would you mind
if we took-- took some time,

a minute or something?

Okay. It's been
great talking.

I'm gonna go watch
the luge finals.

Thanks, I--I don't smoke.

Those are for me,
slappy.

Sorry.

You're in deep kimchi
here, Mr. Buchman.

Sir, I have to say,
I have not as of yet,

uh, been given a chance
to make my phone call.

Always with
the phone call.

Like that's
gonna save them.

Fifteen years, never saw
the phone call help.

Not one time, ever.
But you go ahead, cowboy.

You dial away.

Okay. Thank you.

[RINGING]

It's ringing.

[RINGING]

It's ringing some more.

[RINGING]

Probably in the shower.

Ring...

Give me that.

Are you guilty, Mr. Buchman?

No, I'm not.

Look, let me-- let me
tell you something, officer.

Detective.
Sorry.

Do I look like
a school crossing guard?

No.
Do I have a uniform on?

Do I have a hat
with a badge on?

Thank you.
Not at all.

Detective,
I love this country,

and I love...its laws

and its traditions.

I love its laws
and its traditions

and the spirit
behind them all.

I--I love--I love the laws,
the traditions,

and the spirit,

and the blood
of our boys

which has been shed on foreign
shores all these years

in an effort
to defend those very laws

and traditions
and the spirit,

and-- and I love that blood,
I love those boys.

Sit down, Mr. Buchman!
Yes, sir.

How long
you been married?

How long have you
been married?

Seven years.

Whoa! Let me
shake your hand.

Don't ever touch, sir.

You trust your wife?

Of course I trust her.
She's-- she's a wonderful woman.

Yeah, she's a real prize.

I'm sorry?

How about she blamed
the whole thing on you?

What?

Yeah. She said
it was all your idea,

she was
an unwilling passenger.

Hmm?

No, no, no.

She would never do that.

She wouldn't, huh,
Mr. B?

Okay, here's the thing--
this was really all her idea.

She-- she-- you know,
she stole my t-shirt once.

She-- she looks sweet
and everything,

but she-- she's got the mind
of a criminal.

This is the amazing thing about
her. She's sweet, but she's cold

and she's calculating, sometimes
she's just downright mean.

This is just between
you and me, though, right?

There's no reason to write.

Listen. I don't want to
make this any more difficult

than it has to be,
okay, Mrs. Buchman?

Okay.

I mean, I look at you,
I see a woman...

if things had been different,
who knows?

It might have been
you and me, you know?

Sure.

Yeah, right. Listen.
Can you tell me

how you and your husband
happened to be at the scene?

Well, we were
walking by the car,

and we noticed that
it was illegally parked.

Wanting to save our parents
the parking ticket,

we broke into the car and
started it, using our extra key.

And then we drove around and
started looking for a new spot.

So you drove blocks looking
for another parking spot.

That's right.

Do you trust your husband?

Of course I trust him.
He's my soul mate.

How about he blamed
the whole thing on you?

He would never do that.

He wouldn't, huh, Mrs. B?

But, Burt,
you can't press charges.

He's your only son.

Exactly. If I don't teach him
right from wrong, who will?

Maybe that big fellow
in the holding cage.

They had no right
to do this.

None.

It was very
disrespectful.

Oh, it was.

But you understand
why they did it?

They're worried
about us.

They're good kids.

They love us.

That's all.

You know...

a new car
might not be so bad.

Yeah.

Like maybe
a Plymouth Volare.

Oh!

[SOBBING]
I said we shouldn't do it,

but he wouldn't listen.

Don't let that "bumbling idiot"
act fool you.

He knows
what he's doing.

[SOBBING]

You know,
he yelled at me.

No.

He did!

He was vicious
and heartless,

and he was ruthless
and cruel.

You know, he sold pot
in college.

[JAMIE SOBBING]

Well, it turns out,
Mrs. Buchman,

that your father-in-law
is not gonna press charges.

You're free to go.

Nice meetin' ya.

Sweetie.

You okay?

Yeah. Are you?

Yeah. Boy, that was
something, huh?

I just want to go home.

The things they were
saying in there,

and the things they tried to get
me to say about you...

It was horrible.

I said, hey, you--

you do whatever
you want to me,

you leave her alone.

They practically begged me
to pin it on you,

but I told them
they could shove it.

I love you.

I love you.

Mwah.
Mwah.

[♪♪♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪♪♪]

MAN:
And as Leo reaches across
the full night sky,

he finds Pisces licking her lips
and ready for action.

Together, they begin
an interstellar dance

that is as old
as time itself.

Off comes Orion's belt,

as Orion's pants fall
to the celestial floor.

Aquarius,
with little coaxing,

takes her top off,

and for the first time
in eons,

gets Poseidon's attention.

Seeing this,
the Gemini twins

confess an ancient longing
for contact

that the galaxy
will not permit.

And lightheaded
and full of fire,

Taurus the bull begins clawing
the ground with one hoof

and squirming out of his
loincloth with the other.

Sagittarius fires
his love arrow,

and Virgo,
the supposed virgin,

looks away guiltily.

She knows she's got
some explaining to do.