07x21 - The Final Frontier Part 1

[bunniefuu]

[♪♪♪♪♪]

♪ Mmm, mmm, mmm ♪

♪ Tell me why ♪

♪ I love you like I do ♪

♪ Tell me who ♪

♪ Can stop my heart
As much as you ♪

♪ Tell me all your secrets ♪

♪ I'll tell you
Most of mine ♪

♪ They say
Nobody's perfect ♪

♪ Well, that's really true
This time ♪

♪ 'Cause I don't have
The answers ♪

♪ I don't have a plan ♪

♪ All I have is you ♪

♪ So, baby
Help me understand ♪

♪ What we do ♪

♪ You can whisper
In my ear ♪

♪ Where we go ♪

♪ Who knows what happens
After here? ♪

♪ Let's take
Each other's hand ♪

♪ And jump into ♪

♪ The final frontier ♪

♪ Ah, ah, ah ♪

♪ Final frontier ♪

♪ Mmm, mmm, mmm ♪

♪ Final frontier ♪

[♪♪♪♪♪]

I blame my parents.

I've been engaged four times
to three different men,

and if you're
doing the math,

that's a lot
of angry people.

First there was this guy,

then were was this guy,

and then
there was this guy.

And you remember this gentleman from the first photo.

Leave a guy at the altar once, and it stings.

The second time, apparently highly destructive.

How you like me so far?

[SIGHS]

Let's begin, shall we,
with a story that has become

almost folklore
in my family.

It was , so I'm ,

and it's my parents'
anniversary.

So what do you
want to do?

I'm totally open.

A concert or theater
or maybe a fancy dinner.

What says
anniversary?

[SPLURT]

Certainly not that.

Ew!

Honey, look up for me,
won't you?

Is there a hawk or
an ostrich of some sort?

Whoa.

Oh, paint!
I'm so happy.

Hey, we know you.

Hey.

Hey!

Paul and Jamie,
right?

Yeah, Larry, right?
Lenny.

Lenny. Right.

This is so wild. You know,
it's our anniversary today.

No, it is not.

Yes, it is.
Seven years ago today.

That is
deeply ironic.

Oh. Well, come here.

Look what we did.

Look.
Mabel, this nice man

married
your daddy and me.

Hello, small
pretty person.

Lenny, I tell you, your wedding
was so special to us--

just this secret
little ceremony.

It really was.

You're probably confused,

but Lenny is also
an ordained minister.

Now, Mabel, you know better than
to believe that, don't you?

What do
you mean?

You guys know I'm not really
a minister, right?

No.

Well, okay.

I'm not.

Well, how can
that be? No. No.

You-- You said you were.

Yeah. You happen to recall where
we had that discussion, Paul?

Yes, I do. We were
at my bachelor party.

Uh-huh.
So?

We were
at a strip club, man,

drinking, carousing.

When I told
that cute girl

I was Federal Reserve
Chairman Alan Greenspan,

did you believe that,
too?

No, but...

But--but later,
when we came to you--

It seemed
so important to you.

I didn't have the heart
to let you down.

Yes, but--

I knew you had the official
ceremony coming up anyway.

Yes, but-- okay,
at the official ceremony,

we thought we were
already married by you.

We didn't even fill out
the paperwork for that one.

Didn't even-- You know what we
wrote on the certificate?

"Lois Lane
marries Humpty Dumpty."

Funny.

Funny not the point,
really.

We're...
we're not married now.

Sorry.

You've invalidated
our entire marriage now.

Sorry.

You've made our daughter
illegitimate now.

Sorry.

So...

I'm the bastard child
of idiot parents.

My therapist tells me--

Yes, I'm in therapy--

that in my parents' defense,
they sought help...

a lotof help.

Paul and Jamie...

I don't know if you've
been keeping track,

but this is your
, th therapy session.

Is that true?

Yes, it is.

Dear God.

Wow, , th.

Wow, so that's--
that's like, uh...

glorious years.

No, no, I know,
but that...

$ , .

Dear God.
Mm-hmm.

But I digress.

How can we
not be married?

Yecch.

Our entire marriage
is a lie.

It's not a lie.

Yes, it is.
For the last seven years,

we have not been
what we thought we were.

Our whole universe is based
on a false foundation.

Doesn't that bother you?

Aw, man.
What?

I asked for onions.

They gave me sprouts.
When I tell someone

my husband will be back at : ,
it's a lie.

I'll be back at : .

Yes, but you're
not my husband.

[BUZZER]

All right, good.
So stop yelling at me, then.

We'll take it.

I'm sorry?

Your apartment.
It's listed for rent.

It's what?

This is our apartment,
but it's a mistake.

Oh. So you're
not leaving.

BOTH: No.
You're staying.

Uh-huh.
Yes.

Good, then.

Yes, well,
what a relief.

Right, then.

Come, Hal.

Yes.

See you in the halls.

Nice, huh?
Honey.

All right, here's what we'll do.
Here's what we'll do.

We'll go down to city hall,
we'll-- We'll get married,

sign our regular thing, and
bing-bang-boom, problem solved.

When?
When what?

When are we
getting married?

Whenever you want.
Thursday afternoon.

Friday in the morning,
I'm good.

No, it has
to be today.

Why?

Because today's
our anniversary.

I want to keep
the same anniversary.

All right,
so let's go.

Ask me.

All right.

Can we go?

Ask me to marry you.

Oh.

Will you marry me?

These are the people

that prepared me
to go out into the world.

You see, Mabel,

sweetheart...

boys and girls
are different.

Girls have...

um...

boys have...

uh, boys and girls,
um...

Honey.

See, Mabel, when a man...

loves a woman...

he-- he can't keep
his mind on nothin' else.

He'd trade the world
for the good thing he's found.

If she's bad,

he can't see it.

She can do no wrong.

Honey.

Let us get back to you.

MABEL:
My parents actually did

a great deal
of family planning.

So let me
get this straight.

They cut
his pee-pee?

No, not the pee-pee, inside
the pee-pee, way inside.

Oh, God.

It's not that bad.

The doctor said that within
hours of the vasectomy,

he'll have total sensation
in his groin again.

Isn't that something?

Poor Paul's pee-pee.

It's wayinside.

Oh, God.

Look, we gave this
a lot of thought,

and I decided
that one kid is enough,

morethan enough.

Thank you.

I mean,
where is it written

that every child
must have a sibling?

Well, where would you be?
What?

I mean, if mom and dad stopped
with me, there wouldn't be you,

and I wouldn't have had a little
sister to play with and dress up

and magic marker
the walls with,

and no matter
what happens,

always be my friend
and love me.

You know, the procedure
is reversible.

Mmmph.

Hi, sweetie.

Mmmph. Ay.

[GROANS]

What's the matter?

I think we
made a mistake.

Really?

My mother, the handful.

We need to go halfway to the end
of Long Island to do this?

The smaller the town,
the shorter the line.

Next, please.
See?

Hello. Hi. How are you?
Just fine, thank you.

Uh, we'd like
to get married.

Oh, wonderful. Come to the right
spot. Heh-heh-heh. Yes, sir.

Hello. Hi. How are you?
Hello.

Is this the lucky lady?

This is her.

Aw. Wonderful, isn't it?

Okay. Well...

looks like
you're all set here, so--

Oh. Well, you have
the same last name.

Uh, yes, but they're
pronounced differently.

Buchman and Bwuchman.

Yeah, so it's--
it's subtle, but--

It's there. It's there.
It is, isn't it?

Yes, that's--

Isn't that wonderful?
Uh-huh.

What I'm gonna need from you
now is $ American.

You got it. Seems like
a reasonable thing.

Ooh. You know what? I don't even
know if I have the cash on me.

I-- Oop. Sorry.

Uh, what would you say--
Was it ? Yes.

Uh, $ . .

How do you
leave the house?

You were supposed to go
to the bank for me.

No, I wasn't.
You said you were

going to the bank.
No. Never.

Yes, you did.
No, I didn't.

Boy, this marriage thing
gonna be a piece of cake

for you two, isn't it?

[WHISTLES]

Okay. Well,
I'll tell you what now.

Why don't you
just take this,

and you're gonna go
right into the chapel here,

and the justice of the peace
is gonna take you

the rest of the way.
Thank you so much.

God bless you.

He's a nice guy,
huh?

Yes. I miss him.

Hello. How are you?
Just fine, thank you.

Well, this is Phyllis.

Hello.
Hello.

She throws the rice.

cents-- one throw.
cents-- two.

Okay. Well, why don't
we get right on with it?

Now, here's what-- Oh!

Oh, don't you want
to walk down the aisle?

Okay.

Just go
right back there.

There you go. Right there.
That's good.

Okay, and you, sir, over here.
Right here?

That's fine.
Got it.

Hey! Heads up!

Ho! There you go.

Now with the music...
come forward.

Okay.

[PLAYING "WEDDING MARCH"]

Okay.

[REWINDING]

[STOPS]

Dearly beloved...

we're gathered
here today to marry

this man and this woman.

Is there anybody present

who might object
to this union?

[WHISTLES]
Phyl.

I'm good.
Good.

Do you, Paul...

Buchman.

Uh-huh.
Buchman.

Oh, the Buch--
You're the-- the Buchman.

Paul Buchman.

Take Jamie...

Bwuchman...

to be your
lawful wedded wife,

to have and to hold

through sickness
and in health

till death do you part?

Yes, I absolutely do.

Wonderful.

Do you, Jamie...

Bwuchman...

take Paul Buchman

to be your lawful
wedded husband,

to have and to hold,
to love and to cherish

through sickness
and in health

till death
do you part?

Little louder.

We're gonna need you to speak up
a little, sweetie.

Don't fool around now.

I don't want
to get married.

[SPITS]

Little early
on the rice there, Phyllis.

MABEL:
And so, apparently...

the apple doesn't fall
far from the tree.

You wanted
to get married.

I know. But then I was
standing at the altar

and it hit me.

What we have
is pretty good, right?

I don't want
to screw it up.

Exactly. So all I'm saying
is let's make everything

the way we always
thought it was anyway.

Yes, but the way it was
was we were not married.

Of course we were married. It
just-- It wasn't labeled right.

It's like-- It's like
if you order chocolate,

and then it comes and you
eat it and you love it,

but then afterwards
the waiter says,

"Sorry. My mistake. That wasn't
chocolate, that was root beer."

Do you come back the next time
and ask for root beer?

Yes.

Well, it's the opposite
with this.

Hi, I'm Ursula.

I will not be
your waitress today.

What?
What?

Yeah, my name
is Ursula...

Yes, we know that.
Yes, we know that.

Okay. And I will not be
your waitress today.

Okay.

Usually I am,
but today I'm not.

That's why I wanted
to come over,

to say that I'm not
your waitress today

and that my name
is Ursula

so that you wouldn't
be confused.

Okay.
Thank you.

Great. Can I take
your order?

But you're not
our waitress.

Okay, do you know
what you want?

Um...well...

Ooh, guess what else?

I'm running for employee
of the month,

so make sure that you
vote for me, all right?

It's an election
type of thing,

the employee of the month?

No, no. The boss just
picks who he likes.

Want to hear my slogan?

Yes, please.
Sure.

♪ Ursula, Ursula
She's our man ♪

♪ If she's not employee
Of the month, nobody can ♪

I have to go
to the bathroom.

Have you ever
heard the expression,

"Intelligence is the ability
to change one's mind"?

No, you have not.

And you have not heard that

because it's not actually
an expression.

It's just something
my mother used to say,

but she would say that it was,
in fact, an expression.

But it's not.

Paul is being really great
about this.

I'll say.
I mean,

I probably pushed him into
the vasectomy to begin with.

Yeah, probably.

I think on some level
he was relieved

when I suggested
we have it reversed.

What do they do, they
just glue it back on and...

Way inside.

And now Mabel will have
a little brother or sister,

and she'll help them out
in the schoolyard,

and she'll give them her hand-
me-downs. This gonna be good.

Well, I guess, for her.

What?

What about for you?

Good-bye freedom,

good-bye hips,
and good-bye career.

You know, I actually read
that percent of all mothers

with two or more kids never
return back to the workplace.

They just end up feeling broken
and hollow and sad.

PAUL [STRAINED]:
Hi, sweetie.

Thank you.

What did you say to her?

Stop bringing her
to my vasectomies.

[PUPPIES YIPPING]

MABEL:
Fortunately, some of us gave

much less thought
to having children.

Okay, Nat, now you can bring out
the first guest.

Okay. Thank you, Mabel.

Welcome back to the show,
ladies and gentlemen.

My-- poncho, poncho, you're
not on yet. Jigs, please.

My first guest tonight is
a border collie collie mix.

He's the strapping
little son of Murray

and his charming bride
Clarabelle.

He's . weeks old,
recently weaned.

He enjoys sleeping, chasing
his tail, and being colorblind.

Would you please give
a warm welcome to Crackers.

Come on, Crackers.
Come on. There he is.

Hello, Mr. Crackers.

Not yet, Poncho. I told you
you're not on yet.

Crackers.

Okay, next guest.

Very quick for Crackers,
but okay, there he goes.

My next guest,
ladies and gentlemen,

interestingly enough,
also a border collie collie mix,

also . weeks old.

Uh, let's see. Oh, interesting.
He's a breech birth.

He enjoys, uh,
eatin' garbage

and then regurgitating
same said garbage.

Strange but true.

Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome, please-- Rusty.

We're lookin' for Rusty.

Come on, Rusty.

Ru-- There he is.
There's the Ru...

[PIDDLES]

Wow.

Well, we were--
We were saving that

for our special
anniversary show.

Hey, Paulie.

Hey, Marvin.

What are you doing here?

Shouldn't you be getting

your second vasectomy
right about now?

Is nothing
I tell you private?

He's been following
the whole story.

It kills me. First she
gets you to do it,

then months later,
she gets you to undo it,

and now she's getting
you to do it again.

To me,
it's very entertaining.

MABEL:
Regrettably, I've learned
that little traumatic events

can help lead to big
traumatic events.

Oh, look, there it is.

A film by Mabel Buchman.

What kind of title
is that, Stabbing Bob?

She's angry.

Really.

All right, we should save
two seats together because Mabel

really wants Paul and Jamie
to sit next to each other.

Oy!
I know.

Do they both know
the other one's gonna be here?

Yeah, they're
gonna be mature.

Hey, there they are.

We're here.

Look at you.

Oh, look at you.

IRA:
Look at your Aunt Deb
and Aunt Joan.

Leonardo, come kiss
your aunties.

Shania, you sit there.
Beavis you sit in front of me.

Oh, Gwyneth! Give me
the pacifier.

Okey-dokey. Listen, why don't
you come sit with me, actually?

You know what?

We should save these two seats
for Paul and James.

Already done.

Oh. Oh, good.

No harm in trying,
right?

Hey, hey, hey!
What are you eating?

What's the matter?

He's eating popcorn
from the : show.

Oh, leave him alone.

Hey. My daughter
made a movie.

Paulie.

Oh, nice jacket.

Yeah? Thank you.

Hi, sweetie.

Paulie, why don't you
come sit-- Let's see-- Oh, here.

Good. Hey, Beavis.

Hey, Uncle Paul,
you want some popcorn?

Say, "No."
I'm gonna say, "No."

Hey there. Thank god
I'm not late.

Not at all.

MARIANNE:
Oh, it's the mother
of the filmmaker.

Hiya, James.

Hi, Jamie.

Hey, Shania.
Hello, everybody.

Jamie, sit-- sit here.

Okey-dokey.

Hi.

Hi.

How you doing?

Good. How you doing?

I'm good.

Good.

Okay.

Here it is.
Okay.

I ask this question
objectively, in earnest,

and without bias.

Who do you think
was responsible

for my parents' breakup--

the one who ran away
from the altar

and changed her mind three times
about whether or not

her partner should have
painful private surgery...

or the other guy?

What?

I'm changing my name. It's not
Mabel anymore. It's Sonya.

Okay. Um...
May I ask why?

'Cause Mabel's stupid.

I see. Listen, Mabel--

Sonya!

Pardon me.

Say it.
Sonya.

Say it nice.

All right, Mabel--

It's Sonya.

Thank you.

Why Sonya?

'Cause I like it.

Your grandmother
thought of Mabel.

You know, it's an acronym.

A what?

The letters M-A-B-E-L

stand for "Mothers always
bring extra love."

Well, Sonya's
an acronym, too.

It is? For what?

"Some other name,
you ass."

All right, get out.
Hey, okay.

My father had his own way
of dealing with my mother.

He would keep certain pieces
of information to himself.

Honey?

Hmm?

You didn't so much get that
second vasectomy, did you?

Wh...

Because I am
remarkably pregnant.

No, I did not.

But I've done so many other
things that you did ask me to.

[♪♪♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪♪♪]