02x02 - Torn Between Two Lovers

[bunniefuu]

Whoa. Hunk alert.

That's Steve Webster.

You know him? You've
actually seen those lips move?

Down, girl.

Steve's my loan
officer at the bank.

He made all this possible,
so treat him kindly.

- Hi.
- Hello, Rachel.

Congratulations. The
place, it looks great.

Thank you.

- And who's this lovely young lady?
- Oh, this is my niece, Laura.

Laura, this is Steve Webster.

It's nice to meet you, Laura.

It sure is.

These are for you.

Oh, thank you.

Steve, they're beautiful.

Compared to you, they're
just a bunch of weeds.

Mm. What a nice thing to say.

Laura, would you put
these in some weed water?

Sure.

I did that on purpose.

Well, it was really sweet
of you to come by like this.

Uh, do loan officers always
visit the businesses they finance?

No, not really.

I just didn't have the guts to
tell you this over the phone.

Tell me what?

You obviously didn't read
the fine print in the loan papers.

- Fine print?
- Mm-hm.

Oh, boy, this is so typical.

You know, you bank
people are real piranhas.

What is it? My interest rate
double after the first day?

Relax. Relax.

The clause I'm
referring to states:

"The borrower is required within one week
of the grand opening of Rachel's Place...

to have dinner with the loan
officer of said document."

Well, now, that is fine print.

Very fine print.

How about Friday at 8?

Look, Steve, I barely know you.

Besides, I'm not so sure it's a good
idea to mix business with pleasure.

I see.

Seven-thirty would be better.

Great.

Until Friday.

Harriette. Harriette,
Richie's gone.

My son has disappeared.
I can't find him.

- Rachel.
- He's not upstairs, downstairs.

He's not inside,
outside. Call the police.

- Rachel!
- What?

Peek-a-boo.

Oh, I didn't know where you
were. Mommy was worried.

Heh. Little Richie and I were
just reading the paper together.

Rachel, I'm gonna get
you an intercom system.

That way you'll be able to keep
an ear on him no matter where he is.

Thanks, Harriette.

And listen, when Steve gets
here, entertain him till I'm ready.

Okay, baby.

Ah.

Can't we watch a
Sesame Street tape?

Oh, I don't think
so, sweetheart.

Your Uncle Carl wore it out.

I'm cold.

Steve, what's wrong?

I organized the freezer.

Oh, you poor baby. Honey,
how long were you in there?

Long enough to get icicles
on my nose hair. Look.

I'll just take your
word for it, honey.

Oh, Steve, thank you so
much for organizing the freezer.

That was very enterprising.

You know what? You
are a very special person.

And I just don't know
what I'd do without you.

Hello, Eddo.

Eddie Winslow, you
are a slime bucket.

So long, Eddo.

Jolene.

Is it true that you asked
out Simone Edwards?

What?

Jolene, you know
you're the only girl for me.

Did you ask her out or not?

Well, yeah.

But the good
news is she said no.

That's it, we're
through, Eddie. History.

Uh, Eddie, is this a bad time?

Steve, I just got dumped.

Oh, good. Then you're free.

I need your opinion
on something, Eddie.

I'm starting to see signs
that a certain girl likes me.

What kind of signs?

Well, for one thing, she's
always complimenting me.

Complimenting is good.

Ooh, she touches me a lot.

Yeah, yeah. Hugging,
patting, ooh, and rubbing.

Rubbing is real good.

But it just might all
be in my imagination.

I mean, the concept of a girl
actually enjoying my presence...

is all brand-new to me.

Are there any other
signs to look out for?

Well, I can tell you how I found out
that Jolene had fallen for the Edster.

Who?

Me.

Oh, please, go on.

Well, one day I had
walked by her in study hall.

She was doodling my
name over and over and over.

Wow.

Thanks, pal.

If you ever need anything,
you just say the word.

Thanks. Bring me
a burger, buddy.

Sorry, this isn't my station.

"Rachel loves Steve?"

Okay, let's see.

Mm. Better add zucchini
to that shopping list.

- Z-U-K-I...
- No.

Oh. Z-O-O-K... Uh-uh.

Let's get corn instead.

Okay, Richie.

The intercom is all ready.

Now, here's how it works.

The transmitter stays here and
the receiver goes in the living room.

So if you talk in here,
I can hear you in there.

But how?

If you just... This
comes... Well, if...

Let's just try it out.

Okay. You go in
there and I'll say hi.

Deal.

Here we go now.

This is so much fun.

Shh.

- Hey, everybody.
- Hi, Rachel.

- Can I talk to you two?
- We're on our way to the store.

It's about a man.

Judy, go get the dictionary
and look up "zucchini."

Oh, I never get to
hear the good stuff.

Okay. Now you say you
wanna talk to us about a man.

Any chance this man
could be Steve Webster?

Yes. Well, you know I had
dinner with him the other night.

We had a great time.

Honey, we got the hint when you walked
through the door and did a cartwheel.

Well, you know, Steve is
smart and charming and funny...

and he asked me out again...

- But...?
- But he's a little... young.

Oh, come on, you
know how people talk...

when a mature woman
dates a younger man.

Story of my life.

Well, anyway, I felt like
everyone was staring at us...

because of our age difference.

Rachel, you're only 35.

Well, he's 28.

Well, honey,
here's how I see it.

There's only three
things important in a man:

That he's single, over 21
and brings his own toothbrush.

Aw, cool it.

Gee, officer, I'm really
sorry I was speeding.

Do we have to go
to the police station?

Yep. But first, we have to
stop and get some doughnuts.

Yeah.

My kind of cop.

Hi, big guy. RICHIE: Hi.

Carl, I brought the notes
to go over with Laura.

- Uh, she's in the shower.
- Thanks.

- Almost got you there, Carl.
- Cute. I'll tell her you're here.

Hey, come on,
Richie. I need backup.

Ten-four.

Maybe you're right.

I mean, the age difference
doesn't really matter.

What does matter...

is the way Steve makes me feel.

I mean, Steve has
changed my whole life.

You know, if it weren't for him, I
wouldn't even have Rachel's Place.

And there's so many
wonderful things about him.

He's handsome.

He's a great dresser.

And he is one of the
sexiest men I've ever met.

You really like him, don't you?

Like him? Tsk.

Oh, Harriette, I think I'm falling
head over heels in love with him.

RACHEL: You know what?

I'm going to invite Steve to a romantic
dinner at the restaurant on Sunday.

Candlelight, the
two of us all alone.

Ooh-wee.

Oh, hi, Steve.

- How are you?
- Uh, fine.

Uh, Steve, would you mind coming over
to the restaurant on Sunday, about 7:30?

Uh, what, huh?
What...? What...? Why?

Well, I'm planning a dinner
for a very, very special friend.

Oh, I see, oh, I see, oh, I see.

- Steve, are you sure you're okay?
- Ooh!

Fine, fine, fine.

Good.

Uh, look, Steve, I wanna play some
of my own records on the jukebox.

But I don't know how to
put them in. Can you help?

Do I have to?

Well, Steve, I am your boss.
But I'd be willing to pay you.

Well, gee, I wouldn't
know what to charge.

How about double the usual?

The usual?

Well, okay.

Thanks, Steve.

You know what? Tsk.

You are such a
sweetheart. Come here.

Oh.

Steve?

Steve, what happened?

Oh, nothing. Just blacked
out for a second there.

Okay, Steve.

Tell me in as few words as
possible. What's your problem?

Well, you see, I have
reason to believe...

that a certain woman
is falling in love with me.

Well, we can be
sure it's not Laura.

That I wish it were for my
heart would not be so torn.

Well, Steve, is the woman nice?

Oh, yeah.

Well, is she attractive?

Oh, she's a feast
for these four eyes.

Well, heh, then
what's your problem?

Well, my heart is
promised to Laura.

She's been the only girl for me ever
since the day we met in kindergarten...

and she made me eat my Play-Doh.

Well, Steve, you know, maybe you
should give this other girl a chance.

I mean, after all, it doesn't look like
Laura's gonna be falling into your arms...

anytime this century.

I know.

And, Steve, consider this.

If this girl really
has fallen for you...

then it's obvious that there's a
powerful chemical attraction going on.

You sly dog, you.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Yeah, well...

I guess I do have a healthy
dose of the old animal magnetism.

Oh, yeah.

- Get back.
- Get back.

Look out. Dude on the loose.

Look out. Dude on the loose.

- Get down.
- Get down.

- Get down with your bad self.
- Get down with my bad self.

- Get all the way down.
- Get all the way down.

- Oh, yeah. Yeah.
- Oh, yeah. Yeah.

All right.

Thanks for the talk, Carl.

Yeah, there's a filly
out there who needs me.

And I'm not one for
cruelty to animals.

- Get down.
- Get down.

Yeah.

Hey there, bubbling brown sugar.

Steve?

Yep.

The Urk Man himself.

Steve, why are you
wearing a tuxedo?

Hey, a special
night, a special lady...

a special rental price.

I have a special question.

What the heck is going on here?

You and I are caught in the
gale-force winds of Hurricane Urkel.

So if you feel yourself
being swept away...

hold onto me, my big bambina.

What? Steve, I think your
cummerbund's a little too tight.

I know how you feel
about me, Rachel.

- You do?
- Don't be coy, my little Amazon.

Yep, I heard you
over the intercom.

You declared your love for me.

Oh.

Oh.

And foo on our age difference.

The wicked whispers
of the small-minded...

will turn into shouts of admiration
as soon as I start shaving.

Uh, Steve, honey,
you don't understand.

Oh, but I understand
only too well.

A wise and somewhat portly man
told me to explore our relationship.

And when portly
men speak, I listen.

Steve, let me explain
something here. See...

Hush, my puppy.

Let us not speak.

Instead, let's listen.
Let's listen to our hearts.

Steve. Steve, honey.

Steve. Steve,
listen to me first.

- Now, see, the reason...
- Wait, what's that smell?

What perfume are you wearing?

Uh, Rainbow Cloud.

Laura wears Rainbow Cloud.

I know, I borrowed it from her.

Oh.

What am I doing? Why am I here?

It's Laura I love. Yesterday,
today and forever.

You're right, Steve.
It is Laura you love.

Let's always remember that.

Oh, I'm sorry, Rachel.

I've toyed with your affections.

Can you ever forgive me?

Well...

This isn't gonna be easy, Steve.

I have been hurt.

Oh.

I know what you're
probably thinking right now.

You'll never find a
man quite like me.

I'm absolutely certain.

Well, time heals all wounds
and keep that pretty little chin up.

I'll try.

Perhaps someday, the Lord will
send you a man who's perfect for you.

Hello, Rachel.

Wow, you're good.

So let me get this straight.

You were actually considering
not seeing me again...

just because of
our age difference?

Right.

But you don't care
about that anymore.

Right.

Rachel, I don't understand
what you were so worried about.

I mean, I'm 28 and you couldn't
possibly be any more than 30.

Right.

You can do it

You can do it

You can do it

You can do it

Ooh, I love that sound.

Rachel, this place is packed
tighter than a Cuban cigar.

- We're doing okay.
- Yeah.

- The customers are pouring in.
- Yeah.

We all making money.

Oh, yeah.

Could we order some food?

Hey, that's a good idea, Judy.

- Laura?
- Oh, sorry, this is not my station.

- Uh, Steve.
- Sorry, I'm busy.

Well, Rachel, if you're gonna be
this busy, you better hire extra help.

Don't worry, Carl.
It's all taken care of.

Service on number six.

So...

Okay, what will it be?