02x07 - Dog Day Halloween

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Family Matters". Aired: September 22, 1989 - May 9, 1997.*
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A spin-off of Perfect Strangers, the series revolves around the Winslow family, a middle-class African-American family and their nerdy neighbor Steve Urkel.
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02x07 - Dog Day Halloween

Post by bunniefuu »

Carl, pick up the pace.

Judy says she wants our house
to be the scariest in Chicago.

[SCOFFS]

Well, if Judy wants to scare people,
all she has to do is show them her room.

I don't wanna
traumatize the kids.

[CHUCKLES]

I sure wish I could be here tonight
with you guys, instead of on duty.

Me too. Get that.

Harriette, I hate
working on Halloween.

I mean, my patrol car is
nothing but a bull's-eye...

for half-crazed, egg-wielding
juvenile delinquents.

RODNEY: Eddie,
we need more eggs.

Edward.

Hi, Dad. Mother dear.

Just why do you two need eggs?

Oh, uh, I was just alerting your son to
an impending shortage of farm foods.

Right.

Look, Frankenstein,
and you too, uh...

Don King.

He's my idol.

Well, anyway, I don't want
you throwing eggs at anybody...

spraying cars with shaving cream,
or toilet papering any houses. Got it?

[IN UNISON] Got it.

Freeze.

Spread them.

One egg.

Two eggs.

Shaving cream.

Next.

Soap.

And toilet paper.

- They came with the outfit.
- Oh, sure.

Uh-uh-uh-uh!

Gee, Rodney, looks like you
have a little egg on your face.

All those people
stuffed into that place.

- I know what you mean, heh.
- Oh, look, here's my date, ha, ha.

Oh, Harriette, I am so
sorry we took so long...

but the costume
store was mobbed.

Well, did we get good outfits?

Good outfits? Great outfits.

- I'm gonna be Rapunzel.
- I'm gonna be Tina Turner.

And I'm gonna be Bette Davis in
What Ever Happened to Baby Jane?

[CHUCKLES]

Who am I gonna be?

Well, I guess I'd better
go up and check on Richie.

[STAMMERING]
Rachel, Rachel, Rachel.

Who am I gonna be?

The Hunchback of Notre Dame?

Well, Harriette, you're a popular size. It
was either the Hunchback or Leatherface.

Call me crazy but I thought
you'd jump for the hump.

[CHUCKLES]

- Come on, I'll show you how
to do the: - Rachel, Rachel, wait.

- Come on. CARL: Ha, ha.

Hey, Dad, good decorating.
The house is looking scary.

Yeah, but not scary enough.

We need something else, something
to make the place really frightening.

Hi, guys.

[IN UNISON] Perfect.

Happy Halloween,
guys and ghouls.

[LAUGHS THEN SNORTS]

Peanut brittle, Carl?

Oh, gee, thanks, Steve.

Oh.

[ESTELLE & STEVE CHUCKLING]

[SNORTS]

Gotcha, big guy.

That's not funny, Steve.

Made me laugh.

STEVE: Laura. LAURA: What?

STEVE: Slow down.

LAURA: No way. I don't wanna
be seen with you in that silly outfit.

Everything okay, Lois?

For the last time, I'm not
Lois Lane, I'm Tina Turner.

Try and remember that, Steve.

- Oh, come on, call me Superman.
- No.

- "Supe"?
- Nope.

- "Man of Steel"?
- Stop it, stop it, stop it!

Well, what's the matter,
my little Top 40 goddess?

Look, I just wanna cash my paycheck,
buy some candy for the trick-or-treaters...

and get home as soon
as possible. Understand?

No sweat, my pet.

After all, I am faster
than a speeding b*llet.

Watch.

Oops!

Oops!

Gotcha.

How you doing, Marcy?

Not so good, I
couldn't find my sign.

Well, what can I
do for you, Steve?

[SINGING] Oh, it's
paycheck-cashing time again

- Moola, moola - Steve.

Gonna put some bucks in my
account And watch the moola grow

Steve.

Watch the moola grow
Watch the moola grow

Gonna put some
bucks in... Steve!

Hmm?

- Thank you.
- For what?

For making me feel better
for not having children.

You know, if I had a buck for every
time I heard that, I'd own this bank.

Now, you wanna deposit
this in your savings account?

- Not all of it.
- Yeah.

I want $9 in my
savings account...

$11 in my interest-bearing
checking account...

$7 in my IRA account, and
$4 in my Christmas Club.

You still have a
dollar left, Steve.

I know. Where do you
think I should put it?

- Cash will do her.
- Yeah.

Happy Halloween, Marce.

Oh, it will be in a minute.

All set, my pet?

Hey, look, it's our nation's 16th
president, good old honest Abe.

Nobody move! This is a stickup!

Do what I say and
nobody gets hurt.

You, Supernerd, come here.

Uh, actually, we were
leaving, so I think...

- Now!
- On my way.

Hit the floor.

Not you.

Sorry, I'm a little nervous.

I've never been involved
in a robbery before.

Except for the time Dad got our water
bill and said, "This is highway robbery."

- But that's hardly the same.
- Shut up!

Yes, sir, yes, sir. I'll do anything,
just don't hurt my girlfriend.

I am not his girlfriend.

All right, you people, come
out of there, nice and easy...

and lie down next
to Aretha Franklin.

Tina Turner.

You, go back there
and fill this bag.

- With money?
- Hurry up.

I said, hurry up.

Uh, Abe, I'm having
a little problem here.

I should've sent Diana Ross.

Tina Turner.

[STEVE SHOUTS]

Thank you.

Put the money in the bag.

Ten, 11, 12...
I'll count it later.

[POLICE SIREN WAILING]

- Hurry up, the cops are coming.
- Would you like some penny wrappers?

[SCREAMS]

All right, give me the bag.

I gotta get out of here.

Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me.

- He's gone, Laura. Are you okay?
- I think so.

OFFICER: You,
Abraham Lincoln, freeze.

Don't worry, sweetiekins, it's all
over now. They've caught the dirtbag.

Looks like we're gonna be
spending some time together.

[WOMAN SPEAKING
INDISTINCTLY OVER RADIO]

MURTAGH: Winslow.

Lieutenant Murtagh, sir.

- Who's in charge here?
- You are, sir.

Good answer. Fill me in.

Well, it's a 211
in progress, sir.

Robbery suspect holed up
in the bank across the street.

Investors Bank of Chicago.

Currently paying the highest
interest rates on a Jumbo CD.

I wouldn't know, sir.

But surveillance indicates
there is only one suspect.

He has hostages, number unknown.

Well, this is a nasty
situation, Winslow.

How would you handle it?

Well, sir, I obtained a rough sketch of
the bank layout from the bank manager.

That's the manager?

I'm changing banks.

But the, uh, SWAT team is
deployed and covering both exits.

Excellent. Well, let's get in there and
turn this guy into a human sprinkler.

Uh, sir, according
to the book...

we should try to make
contact with the suspect...

and attempt to determine
the situation inside, heh.

If we negotiate, we might be able
to avoid unnecessary loss of life.

Oh.

Okay.

Stay cool. Don't panic.

Everything's gonna be all right.

- Thanks, Steve.
- I was talking to me.

Shut up.

And that goes for
you too, Patti LaBelle.

Tina Turner.

[PHONE RINGING]

Yeah?

It's for you.

Uh, hello, this is Officer Carl Winslow
of the Metro Police Department.

Who am I speaking to, please?

Margaret Thatcher.

Look, I've got
five people in here.

You want them to stay healthy,
you give me exactly what I want.

All right, stay calm. Tell me what
you want, and I'll do my best to get it.

Really?

Yeah. My only concern
is that nobody gets hurt.

Okay, great. Here's what I want.

Get me a van, gassed up...

and I want a plane
waiting for me at the airport.

- Where you going?
- Disneyland.

I'll tell the pilot
when I get there.

Okay, uh, I'll get on this,
but it's gonna take some time.

Three, maybe four hours.

Really? Why so long?

Just stalling, sir.

Oh, good. Just
like I taught you.

Look, I'm not a phone
person, I'm a g*n person.

You got one hour.

All right, I'll do my best, but if
I'm gonna make this happen...

I need to speak to someone to
make sure everybody in there is okay.

You, Paula Abdul.

Ti... Fine.

Here, one of Chicago's finest
wants to know if you people are okay.

Hello?

Laura?

Daddy?

Oh, my God. Sweetheart,
what are you doing in there?

Well, well, well,
isn't this interesting?

My luck has changed. I got
me a cop's daughter here.

And if you want her back safe and
sound, you'll get me my van, and fast.

Let's see, we have a pretty
angel and a ferocious pirate.

Ha!

Isn't that cute? They
cleaned you out. Heh.

I should've popped that bozo.

Good news.

I found three peanut butter
cups in Carl's sock drawer.

Mm-hm.

- Good eating.
- Ha, ha.

We're back.

ESTELLE: Hey, look, Humpy.
It's Janet Jackson and Raphael.

Did you kids have fun?

- Yeah.
- It was great, dudes.

Look at all the candy we... Wait
a minute, my bag's almost empty.

How come yours is full?

I don't know, I
guess I'm just cuter.

Come back, you mutant.

- Rachel?
- Hmm?

The kids are on a sugar high, see if
you can get them to sell us their candy.

I thought Laura and
Steve went to get some.

They never came back.
Probably out goofing around.

Well, it's Halloween.
By the way,

Harriette, I'm a little
disappointed in you.

- Why?
- I thought you'd at least try on the hump.

No, no, you listen to me.
I've waited long enough.

These hostages are history if
you don't deliver in five minutes.

That's better.

Pizzas will be
here in five minutes.

Hey, and in another 10
minutes we'll get them for free.

Shut up.

Laura.

What?

I think I can take this guy.

Are you nuts?

I don't care. I've
been pushed too far.

Why, he's threatened
us, ridiculed us...

and he wouldn't let us get
anchovies on our pizzas.

A guy can only take so much.

Steve, he's got a g*n.
He'll sh**t you and you'll die.

Go for it, Steve.

[GRUNTS]

Kid, you just
made a big mistake.

Not as big as the one
your parents made.

[GRUNTING]

[MAN GRUNTS]

[GRUNTING AND SHOUTING]

Oh, Steve, you were wonderful.

Yes, I was, wasn't I?

My hero.

Laura.

What?

I think I can take this guy.

Where, to a movie?

Well, I have to try
something to save you.

What are you doing?

Nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

Sit back down
next to Chaka Khan.

Well, finally, the pizza's here.

All right, come on, let's go.

What took you so long?

[IN JAMAICAN ACCENT] Sorry,
man, caught a flat on me bike.

Eh? That a real g*n?

Yeah, and that
better be real pizza.

Oh, it is, man. Best
in town. Cheese fresh.

Uh, twenty-two dollar, man.

The cops are paying.

sh**t, that mean no tip.

You open it.

See? Just grease.

Whoa!

Oh, oh!

- [IN NORMAL VOICE] Everybody okay?
- Daddy.

- You all right? LAURA: Yes.

You get some tomato soup.

And you... pork and beans.

Mom, you will never
believe what happened to us.

- Where have you been?
- Mom...

You were supposed to be back here
with candy more than three hours ago.

We were forced to hand out
canned goods and pork products.

HARRIETTE: I wanna know
where you were and what happened.

Carl? Can I talk to
you for a minute?

What's on your mind, Steve?

Well, I...

- I just...
- Steve, what's wrong?

I'm a coward.

What are you talking about?

Well, I pictured myself overpowering
that robber and saving the day.

But I chickened out.

I just did everything
he told me to do.

Steve, that's exactly what
you should have done.

No, no. Laura was in danger. I
mean, I should have done something.

Steve, that man was armed. I
mean, if you had made a move...

you might've gotten hurt,
Laura might've gotten hurt.

But you made a move.

I mean, you waltzed in there
with that silly wig and bad accent...

You were a real hero, Carl.

Steve...

can you keep a secret?

Sure.

I was real scared too.

Really? You didn't show it.

Only because I've been
trained for those situations.

But remember, I
used your trick snakes.

Well, yeah, that's right.

You know, Steve, you
stuck by my daughter.

You made sure that she was okay,
you did your very best to do that...

and in my book, that
makes you a hero.

[IN JAMAICAN
ACCENT] Thanks, man.
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