02x10 - The Science Project

[bunniefuu]

CARL: Hi, Mom.
- Hi, honey.

HARRIETTE: So how was the bridge game?
- I dropped a bundle.

Mabel and Clara cheated again.

I just know they're sending
signals with their dentures.

Well, then why do you
keep playing with them?

All my honest friends are dead.

Well, Mom, that's terrible.

You're telling me. They
all owed me money.

And speaking of
death and money...

how would you like to
buy some insurance?

Excuse me?

Well, Mabel's son Reuben,
he started selling insurance.

I think you should buy some.

Ha, ha. Forget it, Ma.

The last thing I need
is more insurance.

[SCREAMS]

[CRASH]

[GLASS SHATTERING]

Carl, are you okay?

- Ma? ESTELLE: Yes, Carl.

Call Reuben.

[ESTELLE SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]

Judy, you've been
stalling for over an hour.

Go to bed.

sh**t.

[ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING ON TV]

I was this close to Arsenio.

I thought she'd never leave.

You guys got a minute?

Gee, a whole five seconds alone.

That's all it took to get Judy.

Mom, Dad, my life is over.

- What's wrong, honey?
- Science class.

I'm in big trouble.

I may get a B.

I got a B once. I framed it.

Dad, this is serious.

I can't afford to get a B
on my permanent record.

From now on, no
parties... [TURNS TV OFF]

and no TV.

- But...
- In fact, I'm grounded.

- Laura.
- Don't argue.

Someday I'll thank
myself for this.

Gee, I hope we
weren't too hard on her.

[HARRIETTE CHUCKLES]

[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]

MR. NAGY: Class.

Try to focus your vacant
stares in my general direction.

Ahem. Today we'll be visiting
the wonderful world of crustaceans.

Oh, dear. I left my
crabs in the car.

While I'm gone, start thinking about
your upcoming science project...

which will count for 50
percent of your final grade.

STUDENTS: Aw.
- Ah, ah, ah.

You will all partner off...

and the best project will be
entered in the city science fair.

STEVE: Ooh, ooh, ooh.

Yes, Steven?

Can we pick any field
of scientific endeavor?

Sure, it's wide open.

All right.

Three cheers for Mr. Nagy.

Hip, hip...

Bless you, Steven.

Ahem. Fortunate indeed is the
student who gets to be your partner.

Hey, Steve. Buddy, partner.

Who you bringing to
my party this Saturday?

- Gee, I didn't know I was invited.
- He can't go.

He has a date with me.

I do?

Urkman, partner up with me...

and I'll introduce you to
every cheerleader in this town.

- No, no.
- Oh, well, hey, guys, give me room.

Okay, there. Yeah.
Come on, hey, hey.

Boy, some people will do
anything to get a good grade.

Yeah.

You think Urkel could use
a new pocket protector?

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Hello, my heavenly hostess.

Why didn't you just barge
in like you usually do?

Well, since this is the first
time you actually invited me...

I thought I'd ring the doorbell.

Come on in.

That's quite an outfit, Steve.

Even for you.

Thanks.

My entire ensemble is comprised
of gifts from desperate classmates.

All the way down to my
Enrico Fermi odor eaters.

What a thoughtful gift.

So, what's on your
mind, my little petri dish?

[SIGHS]

Well, I was hoping we could be
partners on the science project.

Oh, you were, were you?

Well, well, well.

My, my, my.

Gee, gee, gee.

Forget it. Go home.

No, no, no. Uh...

I'm not saying that I
won't be your partner.

- Then what are you saying?
- I'm saying that I'm in demand.

In other words, I'm in the driver's
seat, and you're the hitchhiker.

Make me pull over.

If you choose me to be your
partner, our relationship might change.

I'm hitting the brake.

We'd have to spend a
lot of time alone together.

Ooh, I'm pulling
onto the shoulder.

Every day, and even some nights.

Ooh, I'm opening
the passenger door.

And if we get an A, we can
celebrate by going to a movie.

Ooh, hop in, baby.

- So we're partners?
- For life.

Let's just start with
the science project.

It's gotta be a k*ller,
a guaranteed A.

No sweat, my pet.

I'll just get busy in
my basement lab.

But in the meantime, I'll just
make like an atom and split.

Ooh, ooh.

I'll return that to you
at the movies. Oh.

Yes.

Laura?

You're going to the
movies with Steve?

Well, I wanted him to
be my science partner.

I had to promise him something.

Oh, now, wait a minute.

Laura, don't you think
you're sort of using him?

No.

Steve gets to spend time with
me, and I get an A in science.

It's a fair exchange.

Honey, it's not fair.

You know, you're leading him on
and Steve has real feelings for you.

They're weird Urkel
feelings, but they're real.

Aunt Rachel, nobody's
gonna get hurt.

I hope not, Laura.

But I'm warning you, this
thing could blow up in your face.

[COMPUTER BEEPING]

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

- Who is it? LAURA:
It's me, Laura.

Oh.

Oh. Oh, my goodness,
gotta hide my unmentionables.

[GRUNTING]

Ooh.

Welcome, my sweet.

At last you're here
in my inner sanctum.

Allow me to give
you the grand tour.

Bugs?

Five hundred different species, all
caught and hand-mounted by yours truly.

This is Tom. This is Rufus,
and that's Benny and that's...

Steve, Steve. You
can introduce us later.

Just show me the project.

Okay. Right this
way, right this way.

Now, fasten your seat belt...

because this baby's gonna
blow your bloomers off.

Wow. This is great.

What is it?

You're looking at a 50
megaton thermonuclear device.

- You mean...?
- That's right, baby.

Your very own atom b*mb.

I knew you'd be thrilled.

This is just a model, right?
It can't explode, or anything.

Why, of course it can. I love
you too much to build you a dud.

But where'd you get
that radioactive stuff?

I just called my uncle at the
Pentagon, Colonel Dirk Urkel.

There's an Urkel in our
Defense Department?

Uncle Dirk sent me
some uranium scraps.

C.O.D.

Steve, isn't this
against the law?

Oh, sure.

Possession of a deadly radioactive
substance is a federal offense...

punishable by life in prison.

But hey, no guts, no glory.

Steve, I can't go to jail.

Don't you know what
they do to cops' kids in jail?

Unh. Easy. Easy.

Ea... Oh, oh, oh.

Easy, the coat is rented.

Well, you said you
wanted a k*ller project...

a guaranteed A, so I built
you an A-b*mb. Get it?

[LAUGHS THEN SNORTS]

But what if it goes off?

Impossible, my cautious cutie.

The detonator is computerized
and voice activated.

So it can only go off by
saying one very special word.

"Buttercup"?

The computer will only
recognize my voice pattern.

Now, don't worry
your pretty little head.

Just polish our b*mb, and
make it look nice for the judges.

Sweets for the sweet.

Perhaps a Jujubee,
or a chocolate Kiss?

No, thank you.

Not even a peanut butter cup?

[BEEPING]

Uh-oh. You have activated
your nuclear device.

Ten minutes until a
really big boom. Boom.

Steve, stop kidding
around. This isn't funny.

- Well, you're telling me.
- Turn it off.

I can't. It's equipped
with a fail-safe device.

Once the program has been
activated, it can't be stopped.

You got that right, bub.

Ouch. Why, I ought to
vaporize you right now.

We have to do something.

Oh, now that's
just plain pathetic.

Don't panic, my love.

If I remember correctly, the safest
place to be during a nuclear expl*si*n...

is in a reinforced basement.

Not when the b*mb is
in the basement with you.

Good point. Panic.

Seven minutes left.

You're about to be exposed to
3 billion rads of deadly radiation.

But look on the bright side,
soon you'll be your own night light.

[LAUGHS THEN SNORTS]

- Where are you going, my nuclear nymph?
- I have to warn my family.

Besides, yours is not
the last face I wanna see.

Let's talk
homeowner's insurance.

Your home is a big investment,
and it needs big protection.

Reuben, we're already covered
for fire, flood, locusts, mosquitoes...

How about tornados?

Mom, Dad.

Urkel built an atom b*mb,
and it's about to go off.

Carl, I'm worried about Laura.

She's obviously been
studying too hard.

- Yeah, she's snapped.
- I haven't snapped.

Urkel really did build an atomic
b*mb and it is about to go off.

That doesn't sound
like our Steve.

Well, actually, it was my fault.

I put him up to it.

[ESTELLE, CARL & HARRIETTE GASP]

Do you see what your
daughter has done?

Oh, sure, she makes the
honor roll, she's your daughter.

She blows up the
world, she's my daughter.

Laura, there is absolutely
no excuse for your behavior.

You are grounded for...

- When is the b*mb going off?
- Five minutes.

For five minutes.

Now, go to your room and stay
there until you're blown out of it.

You guys. We're gonna die.

Well, that's life.

That's what people say.

You're riding high in
April, blown up in May.

[SINGING] But we're not
gonna let it get us down

'Cause this fine old world
Keeps spinning 'round

I've been a puppet
- A pauper - A pirate

- A poet - A pawn And a king

I've been up and
down And over and out

And I know one thing

Each time I find
myself Flat on my face

I just pick myself up

And get back in the race

That's life That's life

- That's what the
people say - That's life

You're riding high

911. I'll dial 911.

- Do you mind?
- Eddie, hang up.

Forget it, Laura. I'm on
the phone with Jolene.

She thinks I'm cuter
than Fresh Prince.

I need the phone.
It's an emergency.

So is this. I don't have a date
yet for Saturday night. Aah!

There won't be a Saturday night
if you don't give me that phone.

Aah! Get off of me. Let me go.

Go away. Unh!

LAURA: Eddie.

[PLAYS]

Hello, Laura.

Aunt Rachel?

So you used Steve, and
now he's gonna blow us all up.

But how can you be an angel and
the b*mb hasn't even gone off yet?

Oh, Laura, why wait
till the last minute?

Besides, I want to look
my best for St. Peter.

Aunt Rachel, you were right.

You said if I used Steve, it
would blow up in my face.

Can you ever forgive me?

Well, sure, I can. But I'm
not so sure about St. Peter.

After all, destroying Chicago won't
look good on your permanent record.

[PLAYS]

I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry.

Five, four, three, two, one.

[ECHOING] Did I do that?

I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry.

- I'm sorry.
- Oh.

[BOTH SCREAM]

I'm alive.

You're alive.

Oh. Calm down, Laura.

You were just
having a nightmare.

It was terrible.

You built an atom b*mb
for our science project.

Mr. Nagy was selling insurance.

My parents were singing off-key.

And then we blew up Chicago.

Well, gee, Laura. I'd
never build an atom b*mb.

Although, I could.

Steve, sit down.

Look, I owe you an apology.

The only reason I asked
you to be my partner...

was because I was
worried about my grade.

When I said my feelings for
you might change, I was lying...

and I'm sorry.

So you used me.

You trifled with my emotions.

I offered you my heart and
you stomped that sucker flat.

Yes.

No biggie.

- What?
- Well, you fessed up.

That's what counts.

Your honesty only
makes me love you more.

- So will you still be my partner?
- Hey, you bet, my pet.

Thanks, Steve.

Hold it.

A few minutes ago, was
it just my imagination...

or did you actually hug me?

- I hugged you.
- Just checking.

Ladies and gentlemen...

presenting the world's greatest
science project, the Laura.

[ALL GASP]

RACHEL: Oh, Steve.
- Hey, that is neat.

- Yeah, and it looks real.
- Of course it's real.

The Laura has a perfectly
calibrated solid fuel to mass ratio.

Why, this baby could make
it to the moon and back.

Well, hop on, and take off.

You could be the
first Urkel in space.

Yeah, make it fly.

No. No rocket
launching in the house.

Not to worry, Winslows.

The Laura can
only be launched...

by punching in a complicated series
of commands into the remote control.

[REMOTE CONTROL BEEPING]

Oops.

[STEVE COUGHING]

Gee, what a beautiful day.

- Uh, come here,
Steve. STEVE: Uh-uh.

- Come here. Come
here. STEVE: Uh-uh.

CARL: Come here, Steve. Get him.

HARRIETTE: Get him.