02x24 - The Good, the Bad and the Urkel

[bunniefuu]

Ta-da!

Are we gorgeous, or what?

Or what.

Oh, Laura, that eye
shadow is perfect on you.

- You can borrow it any time.
HARRIETTE: No, she can't.

It's fine for dress up, but
not outside of the house.

Harriette, don't
be such a prude.

Aunt Harriette's a prune?

"Prude."

Although "prune" sort of fits.

[ALL LAUGH]

[GROWLS]

[PANTING]

Somebody call 911.

There is about to be a m*rder.

[GROWLS]

[ALL GROAN]

What is that awful smell?

Carl, what happened?

I was out in the backyard
minding my own burgers.

When all of a sudden
the wind shifts...

and I get this stench from
Dr. Urkel's compost heap.

So I went over to complain.

Carl, you didn't make a scene?

Of course not.

I politely suggested
to Dr. Urkel...

that the stench from his
compost heap was unbearable.

He suggested to me that the stench
started when I walked into his backyard.

So I told him:

"Oh, yeah? Well, that's big
talk coming from a little quack."

And then next thing I know, he slam
dunked me into the compost heap.

He threw you?

But, Carl, Dr. Urkel
is a teeny tiny man.

[LAURA CHUCKLES]

He surprised me.

But still, the man's a munchkin.

Leverage, Mother.

A whole lot of leverage.

Then he came at me
with a garden hose.

I had to defend
myself, Harriette.

- Oh, Carl, you hit him?
- No.

I merely put out my arm to fend
him off, and he ran into my fist.

Then he started crying,
and ran into the house.

You.

You.

You big bully.

Oh, great, son of Urkel.

Carl, I love you like a
father, and my father like a...

Neighbor.

But you have dented my dad.

Therefore, I have no choice
but to defend our family honor.

It's the Code of the Urkels.

Go home, Steve.

I'll leave.

But rest assured,
I shall return.

Revenge shall be mine.

And by the way, this is
what my dad's nose looks like.

CARL: I can't even enjoy a
burger in my own backyard.

I'd like to throw some
Urkels on the barbie.

Call or fold? I
ain't got all day.

Three kings.

Hold it.

Full house.

Not so fast. Four aces.

See you next payday, boys.

Listen up, you big galoots.

Presenting a gal who
is every cowboy's cutie.

- Miss Rachel. ALL: Yeah!

[MEN CHEERING AND WHISTLING]

[SINGING] Some
say I have no morals

And lack propriety

Some say that I'm too fickle

But I need variety
Back East I was a lady

Bored like all the rest [YAWNS]

Now that I have
fallen I'm havin' fun

Out here in the wild, wild West

[ALL CHEERING]

Oh, they call me Ricochet Rachel

I bounce from man to man

They call me Ricochet Rachel

Catch me if you can

And when I find one that's true

I'm sticking to
him just like glue

'Till then, won't you
be My old cowhand?

Well, I'm proud to
be Ricochet Rachel

Though some people
think it's a crime

I want all of you boys
To belly up to the bar

Then come up and see me Sometime

Whoa Oh, yeah

Care for a drink, schoolmarm?

Don't speak to me,
you shameless hussy.

Normally, I wouldn't set
foot in this saloon of sin.

But I'm looking
for Sheriff Carl.

Oh, honey, your husband's
not here, but you know...

if you gussied up a little,
maybe put on a little rouge...

he might come looking
for you for a change.

[LAUGHS]

- How dare you, you floozy.
- Ugh.

[IN UNISON] Hi, Mom.

[YELPS]

[GROANS]

Look... Look... Look
what you've done.

You've turned my
daughters into...

painted women.

[g*nf*re OUTSIDE]

Well, howdy, townsfolk.

ALL: Howdy, sheriff.

I got good news
and I got bad news.

The bad news is
I just sh*t a man.

[ALL MOAN]

Good news is it was Doc Urkel.

[ALL CHEERING]

[LAUGHS]

HARRIETTE: Carl.

Carl, why must you
constantly sh**t people?

Because I'm the sheriff, and
k*lling people is one of the perks.

Well, now we all know
Doc Urkel was out of control.

He'd perform brain surgery
at the drop of a Stetson.

That's for sure.

Once I went to him for a hangnail,
and instead he gave me a...

Uh...

- What do you call them?
- A lobotomy.

Right.

Now I got a headache
and a hangnail.

You see? I had to sh**t Doc
Urkel, for the good of the town.

Well, what if you-know-who
finds out you k*lled his pa?

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]

Well, he'll come
gunning for me, I guess.

You mean you're gonna
have to lock horns with...?

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]

Yup.

Two-g*n Urkel.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]

The roughest, toughest, most
annoying gunslinger in the West.

- Two-g*n Urkel's
a-coming. WOMAN: Oh!

[ALL GASP]

All right, who's the
varmint that k*lled my pa?

You bunch of weenies.

What do you want here, Two-g*n?

Revenge.

[ALL GASP]

MAN: Ooh.

[WOMAN GASPS]

Did I do that?

ALL: Yes.

Well, it's gonna be lights
out for you too, sheriff.

Say your prayers, you're
about to meet your maker.

ALL: Ooh!

Make your move, sheriff.

Now lookie here, Two...

I'm right sorry for what
happened, Two-g*n...

but your pa was a public menace.

Maybe so, but he was my pa.

And you had no call
to do what you done.

Well, I done what I did
because it had to be done.

Well, you done did it
and now you got to die.

Are you done?

Yes, indeedy do.

Dang.

Sheriff, you're in a big,
smelly heap of trouble.

ALL: Ooh!

Please, Two-g*n, if you ever had
any feelings for me, don't hurt my pa.

Oh, Miss Laura, my
tumbling tumbleweed.

I love you, but I
gotta avenge my pa.

It's the code of the West.

You see, right here in Section
2, Paragraph 3: "Pa Avenging."

Now lookit, Two-g*n...

I think you better get on your
Shetland and ride out of town.

[SCOFFS]

Why would the fiercest
desperado in the territory...

run away from a portly,
pusillanimous peace officer?

WOMAN: Ooh.

Don't push me, kid.

You may be fast with
those g*ns, but I'm faster.

Don't make me laugh.

[LAUGHS THEN SNORTS]

What a stupid snort, he's...

Oh, yeah, you snort.

Yes, sir, Mr. Two-g*n, sir.

[LAUGHS THEN SNORTS]

[COUGHS]

Eh, needs work.

You know, Two-g*n, the last hombre
that thought he was faster than me...

is now a boarding
house for worms.

[ALL MOAN]

Oh, yeah?

Well, bartender, make
like a mallard and duck.

[RACHEL YELPS]

[ALL CHEERING]

Not bad.

Not bad at all.

Now watch some real sh**ting.

Mama, duck.

[ALL CHEERING]

STEVE: Wow.

Rooting, tooting
sh**ting, sheriff.

But I'm a-calling you out.

Well, I'm a-gonna be here.

Tomorrow, high noon.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]

Yeah, but in the meantime...

let's form a posse and track
down that dang orchestra.

MAN: Yeah. ALL: Yeah.

But, Carl, why must you
show up for a showdown?

Because it's my job, Harriette.

I'm sworn to uphold
the laws of the West.

Well, then why can't the West have simpler
laws like "no smoking in the elevators"?

What's an elevator?

It's a real fast
way to get upstairs.

Oh. For me it's cash. Ha!

[ALL CHEER]

[CLOCK TOLLING]

[ALL MURMURING]

[WOMEN GASP]

[CHUCKLES]

Well, I guess that lily-livered
Urkel didn't show up.

[LAUGHS]

I guess the only thing he
can sh**t off is his mouth.

[ALL LAUGH]

Sorry I'm late, there was a long
line in the little cowpoke's room.

- Are you ready?
- I'm a-ready.

[ALL MURMUR]

[WOMAN YELPS]

All right, Two-g*n.

Let's slap leather.

Okay.

[ALL GASP]

Oh, boy.

Oh.

[GROANS THEN SQUEALS]

[GRUNTING]

[GROANS]

[SCREAMS]

I've fallen and I can't get up.

[ALL MURMURING]

Uh, uh, hold on there,
Two-g*n, I'll go get Doc Urkel.

Oh, yeah, I k*lled
him yesterday.

[ALL SIGH]

It's been a bad
week for the Urkels.

Oh. It's all getting darker.

There's my pa.

I'm a-coming, Pa.

Wait, he's running away.

So long, everybody.

It's time for me to die.

[ALL MOAN]

Laura?

What is it, Two-g*n?

Oh, Laura, will you grant
a dying man's last request?

Give me a kiss to
send me to heaven.

Oh, thanks, my pet.

The angels I'm about to see...

won't compare to the
angel that I'm leaving behind.

[ALL MOAN]

Sheriff?

Now lookie here, Two-g*n,
this here is your last goodbye.

Okay, I just want you to
know that I don't hold a grudge.

Even though I'm a dastardly
desperado and you're a goody two-boots...

I admire and respect you.

In fact, big guy, I love you.

[ALL MOAN]

Oh, Two-g*n.

I'm sorry, little fellow.
How did it come to this?

I love all of you
gall-darned Winslows.

Oh.

Vaya con dios.

Adiós, amigos.

Heuvos rancheros.

[GRUNTS THEN SNORTS]

WOMAN: Oh. Oh.

[ALL MOAN]

Uh...

I'm sorry.

- I'm sorry.
- Way to go, Carl.

I'm sorry, I...

Uh, uh... But, Harriette...

But I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, I...

Hey, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Oh!

Two-g*n.

You're alive. You're alive!

[STEVE SCREAMS THEN CARL LAUGHS]

You're alive! You're alive!

You're alive!

[LAUGHS]

[PANTS]

Carl, this is no time
to do the lambada.

As my father's only son, it
is my duty to avenge him.

So prepare to be pummeled.

Uh, Steve. Steve.

Steve, calm down.

Calm down, Steve.

We're not gonna fight, okay?

Fighting got us into this mess.

Matter of fact, I'm going to
your house now and apologize.

- You are?
- Mm-hm.

Wow.

I must be more
threatening than I thought.

Well, you are a scary sight.

But I shouldn't have kicked you out of
the house and I'm sorry I yelled at you.

So that means I'm
welcome at the Winslows'?

Well, I don't know about welcome,
but you'll be, uh... Well, you'll, uh...

You'll be tolerated.

- Thanks, big guy.
- Ha-ha-ha.

[SENTIMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]

Where is that music coming from?