08x07 - The Will to Live

[bunniefuu]

[upbeat music]

- Still can't believe it. My
age, has a heart att*ck.

- And the right age would be?
- Yeah, I know.

But, still, you know,

you don't picture people
your own age dying.

- Will you zip me?

- And he supposedly took
great care of himself, Gonzo.

Well, according to Ira, anyway.

- And "Gonzo," why?

- Uh, "Ganzenmuller."
Eddie Ganzenmuller.

So, "Gonzo."

He was really more
Ira's pal than mine.

But I'll tell you,
the two of them...

- Does this dress make
my back skin look squished?

- I... I don't see it, no.

- Eh.
- It's just so scary.

- All right, I'm putting
a sweater over it.

- What? No.

No, I'm saying all the funerals.

How many funerals
we're going to.

Suddenly, everybody
we know is dying or falling

or hurting themselves...
And doing nothing.

Remember that guy downstairs?
Broke his wrist opening cereal?

- He was much older than us.

[pop]
- Ow!

- What'd you do?
- My neck.

- What?

- I was trying to
close my pants.

I strained a little too hard.

I popped a thing in my neck. Ow.

- You hurt your neck
putting on pants?

- Yes.

No, that's all right.

[easygoing music]

♪ ♪

- ♪ Tell me why ♪

♪ I love you like I do ♪

♪ Tell me who ♪

♪ Can stop my heart
as much as you ♪

♪ If we take each
other's hands ♪

♪ We can fly into
the final frontier ♪

♪ I'm mad about you, baby ♪
- ♪ Final frontier ♪

- ♪ I'm mad about you, baby ♪
- ♪ Final frontier ♪

- ♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

- ♪ Final frontier ♪

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- You know, uh, usually
you don't see a marimba

in a eulogy, but
I... I felt it added.

- Paulie, I'm telling you,
something is not right.

I don't trust him.

- Oh, my God.
- What?

- No, no, knowing Gonzo,
I bet he's not even dead.

This may all just be a set-up.
- What?

- assh*le...
- No, listen to me.

There's no way Gonzo dies

without sticking
me with that card.

- Help a girl out.
- She... tell her.

- [sighs] Okay.

When me and Gonzo
were little kids...

- Twenty-five, but go
ahead with the story.

- Okay.

We used to trade baseball cards.

Then, one... one day we
came across a card of a guy...

Actual name: d*ck Pole.

- Already so delightful.

- I'm not even making it up.

Last name: "Pole."
First name: "d*ck."

- He didn't think to go
with "Richard" or "Rich"?

"Richie"?

"Ricky"?
- I... I know.

You would think, right?

And we just thought it was
the funniest thing in the world.

d*ck Pole. [laughs]

I mean, what can I
say? We were kids.

- Yeah, yeah.
Again, , but you...

- So anyway, we... we
somehow made up this silly game

where, you know, we'd...
Paulie, what are you looking at?

- Huh?

No, I pulled a thing in my neck.

- Putting on pants.

- So anyway, we
had this dopey game

where the person who got
stuck holding the card was "it."

He was d*ck Pole.

So in order to not be d*ck Pole,

we had to go back and forth
and try and come up with ways

to trick the other guy
into taking the card.

For instance, three weeks
ago, I baked it into a calzone,

sent it to the guy's house,
and he never saw it coming.

- d*ck Pole.
- Yeah, he's a real guy.

You can... you can look him up.
- I'm going to.

- Yeah.

And, oh, by the way,

even though Gonzo
is "supposedly" dead,

I'm telling you,
that dirty bastard...

- Ira.
- Louise.

Mm.

Hey, do you remember
my cousin Paulie?

- Of course. Thank
you for coming.

- Of course. This
is my wife, Jamie.

- Hi, I'm sorry for your loss.

- Thank you. Did you
get to know my husband?

- I didn't, but I've heard
so much about him.

- Such a wonderful
man. Rock solid.

You know, bless his heart,
he left everything in order...

All our affairs...

Which is such a blessing
for me and the children.

- Such a mensch.

- Well, thank
you all for coming.

- Of course.
- Yeah, of course.

Yeah.

Okay, she's very
sweet, but I'm telling you,

someone is gonna drop
that card on me here tonight.

Watch.
- Did you hear what she said?

He had all his affairs in order.

We... we don't have
any affairs in order.

Okay, here it is. "d*ck Pole."

- I told you.
- We're not rock solid at all.

- Oh, my.
- What?

- Okay, there are so many
better names than d*ck Pole.

You're gonna kick yourselves.
- What are you looking at?

- "Top Baseball
Players With Funny Names."

You ready?

Stubby Clapp... [both chuckle]

Cannonball Titcomb...
- Wow.

- Jack Glasscock...
- All right, you know what?

- Johnny Dickshot...
- No, are you serious?

- What, am I making
this up? Pete LaCock.

- Okay, sweetie.
[stammers]

- Oh... oh, this is unfortunate.
- What?

- I mean, he spells
it with a "K," but still.

- What?
- You ready?

[mouthing]

- I don't know, just... what?

- [mouthing]

Rusty Kuntz, okay?

- What?
- Sweetie...

- Aren't you embarrassed
you went with d*ck Pole

and left Rusty
Kuntz on the table?

- Sweetie, you know
what? We... that's enough.

We got it.
- Tony Suck.

- Also, sweetie... You
know what, my darling?

- p*ssy Tabeau.
- Okay, all right.

[stammering] We... so sorry.

♪ ♪

- If you were looking
for dead passports

or the seating chart

for our wedding rehearsal
dinner, found them.

- We don't even have
a copy of our own will.

- Did we ever even do one?

- Yes, yes, right
before Mabel was born.

Remember that lawyer we found?

I don't even have
the guy's name.

Okay, this is interesting.
- What?

- [chuckles] All right,

remember that
life insurance policy

we took out years ago?

- Yeah.
- It was a -year policy.

Expires Tuesday.

- Seriously? Wow.

- Yeah, so if you're
thinking of pushing me

in front of a bus, try
and do it by Monday.

[phone dings]

- Gurwitz.
- Gesundheit.

- No, Marty Gurwitz was
the attorney who did our will.

- Yes, very good.
- This is from Mabel.

"How are you enjoying Rishi?"

- I don't know what that means.

- Does she mean "sushi"?
"How are you enjoying sushi?"

- [stammers] In general?

How are we enjoying
sushi in general?

What is she talking about?

- "Daddy is wondering, do
you mean in general or"...

- Oh, hi!
[both scream]

- I... I'm sorry, I didn't
mean to startle you.

Mabel said you were both out.

I'm Rishi.

- "Is Rishi, by any chance,

a person you let
into our house?"

[message notification chirps]

[whispering] Just one second.

♪ ♪

- Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.

I could have sworn I asked
you if he could stay here.

- Yeah, no, you didn't.

- Well, I think he's a
very nice young man.

- Isn't he great?

Yeah, he's in my "Gender
and Urbanization" seminar.

So smart.

- Yeah, well, he
fixed our printer,

so I gotta second
that "smart" comment.

- And you two are...

- No, we're just friends.
- Oh, all right.

And... just curious... He's
staying here because...?

- Oh, yeah. He was suspended.

- Uh, suspended for
what, if I may ask?

- For coming to class naked

as a political statement.

- Ah.

What was it exactly
he was stating?

- Well, it was in
support of a girl

who was suspended last week

just for being
topless on campus.

Can you believe
that? That's so unfair.

- So unfair.

- Really? What... what's unfair?

- The whole... the entire...

- The subjugation of women.

- The subjugation.
- Okay.

- The systemic bias...
- Hello.

- The way women have
been marginalized...

- I have for sure
been marginalized.

- The patriarchal...

- Don't get me started
on the patriarchy.

If I hear one more straight
white man blabbing on...

- You're blabbing on pretty
good yourself, I gotta say.

- Hello.

- Oh, hey.
- I took the dog for a walk.

I hope that's okay.

Also, I noticed he had
a raw spot on his paw.

I put some aloe
vera ointment on it

and he seems much happier.

- That's, uh, thoughtful.
- Thank you.

- Hey, by the way, I can
probably fix your neck.

My dad's a chiropractor.
- Oh, no, that's okay.

You know what?

Actually, sweetie,
we gotta get going too.

- Yeah, where are you guys
going all dressed so fancy?

- We're meeting with a lawyer.
- You guys getting divorced?

- No, we're not
getting divorced.

- We're actually... we're
getting our affairs in order.

You know why?

So that when we're dead,

you won't have to
worry about anything.

- Oh, okay, cool.

- We should
probably get going too.

- Where are you two off to?

- Nowhere.
- We're organizing a protest.

- Yeah, you are.

- A protest?

- Hey, you're the
ones who taught me

to be socially conscious
and politically active.

- That was her.
- What are you protesting?

- Well, we've organized
a group of students

to march through the
dining hall naked to show...

- Whoa, whoa, I think we know
what you're gonna be showing,

but, uh... excuse me a sec.

Sweetheart, do you really
think that's a wise choice?

I mean, think about it:
someday in the future,

you're gonna want to go for a
job interview, and you don't...

I don't think you want
the first thing they see

to be pictures of you
naked next to salad.

- It's not about being naked.

It's about gender inequality

and sexualization
of the human body.

- Yes.

- Do you know some
schools are clothing-optional?

- Yes, you should
absolutely have the option

to wear whatever
you want to wear.

- [stammers]
- No, Mom.

Uh, clothing-optional.

Like, you don't have
to wear clothes at all.

- Oh, oh. Oh, yes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, okay.

I've heard of that,

but I insist that
that can't be true.

- It is.

- Okay, everything else
aside, it's just so unhygienic.

- No, it's not, because
women's bodies

produce healthy bacteria...

- Okay, I don't...
- It's true.

Did you know that the vag*na
is a self-cleaning organ?

- Terrific, maybe you can
have it go clean your room.

- Honey, I think
you're a grown woman,

and you should do
whatever you choose to do.

- Exactly, thank
you. Bye, I love you!

- Bye.
- Hey.

- Hey. My friend, Rishi.

- Hi, how are you?
- So nice to meet you.

- Yeah, you too.

Boyfriend?
- Nope, they're not having sex.

They just march together
naked for political purposes.

- So what's all this?

- Okay, so what we have here

are gifts bequeathed
to us from Gonzo.

They came to the
restaurant this morning.

- That's so sweet.
- Paulie, it's a trick.

I guarantee you, d*ck
Pole is in one of these.

- Splinky, I swear, you...

- [stammering]
Okay, you open it.

Fine, which one is mine?
- Here.

- You know what?
You're a bit of a nut.

- I'm not.
- Yeah.

- What...
- Okay, look at that.

- Why would he
leave you a watch?

- I have no idea.

Oh, I know.

Oh, my... years ago,
we were all at this thing

and he was wearing... I
remember, I commented.

I said, "Hey, that's
a nice watch."

And he said, like, as a joke,

"Thanks, I'll leave
it to you when I die."

So not so much a joke.

- Well, this is not a watch.

- Yeah, all right, open it up.

- No, I...
- Oh, you big baby.

You want me to do it?
- No, no, no, no.

I'll do it.

- You're so silly.

- A penguin?

Why would he leave me a penguin?

- Did you ever tell him
you liked his penguin?

I'm asking. I don't know.

- There's no card.
- Well, we know it's from him.

- No, no, there's
no d*ck Pole card.

- Oh.

Wait, so why would
he leave you a penguin?

- I just said I don't know!

♪ ♪

- Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Buchman.

My name is Yung Hee. I'll
be working with you today.

- Hang on, where's Marty?
- Marty Gurwitz?

- Yeah.

- Oh, he retired a
long, long time ago.

- Really? He... he
was younger than me.

- Okay.

So your estate, such as it is...

It seems much of
what we have here

is extremely outdated.

- You know what,
we've been busy and...

- Raising a teenage daughter.

- No, the truth is, we're
just... we're very bad

at this kind of stuff.

- Well, hopefully
many of these issues

won't be pertinent for years
and years to come, but...

- But we should fill
them out before we die.

- That would be helpful.

For example, I see
nothing specified

as to your medical
directives, your DNRs.

- What?
- "Do not resuscitate."

- Oh.

- Should one of you be
medically incapable of...

- I know what I want.
Do not resuscitate me.

Thank you very much.
- Really?

- Yeah, I don't wanna stick
around and be a burden

to you and Mabel.

Would you?
- What, be a burden?

Who am I to not be a burden?

- If I may...
- I'm sorry.

- Please.
- Go ahead.

- There's the issue
of burial, et cetera.

- Okay, well, that... That
one I know we covered

'cause my family has a plot...
A cemetery plot in Queens.

That... that should be in there.

- Yes, but I see there was an
amendment made by Mrs. Buchman.

- There's what?
- What'd I do?

- Yes, um, years ago:

a handwritten amendment
stating that Mrs. Buchman elects

to, instead, be cremated.

- Wait a second.

Yeah, okay, okay.

I... I kind of recall
doing something.

- "Her ashes to be
preserved and comingled

with the remains of her
daughter, Mabel Buchman."

- Okay, yeah, I
know what it was.

Yep, it was right
after Mabel was born.

I was still having these
wild hormonal surges.

Up and down and up and down.

I was just insanely in
love with being a mother

and I thought, "I can't ever
be separated from this child."

- But me, not a problem.

- To be honest, I think I was
kind of banking on the fact

that, statistically, you
would probably die first.

So you wouldn't know about it
'cause you'd be already dead.

What else did you want to know?

♪ ♪

- I just can't believe you
would even consider that.

- I'm sorry.

- That's the whole point.
I mean, the whole point.

"Till death do us part."
- Yes, "till."

"Until death." After
that, we can part.

Honey, I'm sorry.

I truly didn't mean
to hurt your feelings.

- Okay.
- How about this?

You get cremated too.

Come on, it'll be fun!

- Okay, well... all right, here's
my concerns about cremation:

first of all, it seems hot.

And also, I don't know,
just the whole idea...

I'm so used to
being in solid form.

I don't know how I
would do as a powder.

- Hey.
- Hey, sweetie.

How come you're back so soon?

- How did, uh... how did it
go with your naked parade?

- Got postponed to tomorrow.

Couple of the girls
wanted to tan first.

- Hey, I hope it's okay

I'm whipping up a
little lunch for everyone.

- Yes, thank you.
- That's so nice.

Hey.
- He's so sweet.

- Here.

Hey, sweetie let
me ask you, all right?

And honest answer.
Honest answer.

If you didn't have a place
to visit us when we're dead,

you'd be upset, right?

- Sure.
- See?

- Okay, but... but, but,
but... What if I get cremated

and then way down
the line you get cremated

and we co-mingle our ashes
together, just you and me.

- Eww.

- See?

It doesn't feel so good
when someone denies you

in the afterlife, does it?

I... I don't understand.

What do you have against
being buried in Queens?

- I love your family,
I'm fine with Queens...

- But?

- We always do
what you want to do.

- Well... okay.

- What?
- Okay, yes.

I'll get... I'll get
cremated too.

- Really? Oh, my God, yay.

You see? We're making progress.

Thank you. Both: Okay.

- So what do you want
us to do with your ashes?

- What... what do you
mean, "my ashes"?

We're gonna be comingled.

I thought we were gonna
comingle together, right?

- Oh, no.

I was thinking separate.
I need a little space.

- A second ago
you were very happy

to comingle with our daughter.

- Well, that's different.

That sweet baby girl comingled
with me from the beginning.

We've had practice.

- And not to continue your
super creepy thought, Mom,

but for my ashes to be
comingled with yours,

I'd have to be dead.

Which means for
the next , years,

I'd have to drag your
ashes around with me.

So every time I move, I gotta
remember to take you with me?

I'm not signing on for that.

- Okay, what if we
mingled us all together?

Yes!

No, no, no, no,
no, this is good.

I'll get cremated.

A third goes to you...
There'll be less to carry...

A third to Daddy, and a
third someplace pretty.

Yosemite. I've never been.

- Just put down "undecided."

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- [speaking Italian]

- Yeah, it's that...
That guy, Gonzo.

[speaking Italian]

- Okay, okay.

- [speaking Italian]

d*ck Pole, d*ck Pole.

- Rishi, this is delicious.

- Oh, I'm so glad
you're enjoying.

Oh, here we go: "
Creative Alternatives

for Burial-Slash-Handling
of Loved Ones' Remains."

- What a helpful guy.

- Why are you encouraging them?

- I'm just trying to be
a good house guest.

"First up: send them
off with a Viking funeral."

- What is that?

- You put the remains on a boat,

then you sh**t a flaming arrow

that lights the whole
thing up at sea.

- Let's do that.

- Let's hear the other .

- Uh, "You can tattoo yourself

using ink made of your
loved ones' remains."

- I love that.

- "Compress your
departed's remains

and turn them into
a dazzling diamond."

- I wanna do that.

- Okay, we're not gonna do that.

- "Scatter your
loved one on the field

of their favorite sports team."

- Eh.
- Oh, that's interesting.

- Really?
- I... I'm not committing.

I'm... I'm just considering.

- I will be leaving
the room now.

When you guys decide
to talk about something

less emotionally
damaging, let me know.

- Go ahead.

- "sh**t your dearly
departed into the sky

using an ash-scattering cannon."

- Another great one.
I love all of these.

I wish I could die
more than once.

- Yeah, it's a shame.

- Okay, how about this:
"Have your loved one's ashes

"ground into a
paste with olive oil,

"vinegar, herbs, and spices

to make a zesty marinade
for steaks and chops."

- Let me hear about
the Viking thing again.

♪ ♪

- Penguin, penguins,
penguins, penguins.

Antarctica, Antarctica.

Okay, cold, cold, cold.

Pittsburgh Penguins,
Pittsburgh Penguins.

Hockey, hockey...
Hockey puck, hockey stick.

Stick, stick. Wood, wood.

Wood... wooden
stick, wooden stick.

Wooden pole! d*ck Pole!

I knew it, I knew it, I knew it!

Chicka-chicka.

[no audible rattling]

Gonzo, you're k*lling me.

Okay.

[both speaking Italian]

- I know you're in
there, you son of a bitch.

[speaking Italian]

- I think maybe you not so well.

♪ ♪

- You know what,
let's just do it your way.

Let's all be buried with your
family in Queens, all right?

- I thought you
don't want to do that?

- I don't, but I want to keep
talking about it even less.

- No, I want you to keep
talking about it even less.

Just stop.
- All right, all right.

- Again, if I may...
- Yes.

- Something my parents
would do in this kind of impasse:

they'd put their choices
into sealed envelopes

and then just pick.

That way, it's decided
by the hand of fate.

- Okay, yes?
- The... yes, that's smart.

I gotta say, I don't know
how we managed before

without Rishi.

It's unbelievable.
- Okay, so...

- No, so... wait, you're
gonna write them down?

- Do you want to
write them down?

- No, you can write
them. I trust you.

- Do you?

- Yeah.

- Okay, first choice.
- Me?

Buried together in
Queens with my family.

- All right, got it.

- Second choice?

- Cremated, scattered
in Yankee Stadium.

Always wanted
to play center field.

- "Cremated Yankee
Stadium." Got it.

- The center
field. Center field.

Put "in center field."

- "Center field."

- You ever been
to Yankee Stadium?

If the timing works
out, you'll come with.

- Okay, my first choice is
"cremated and split in thirds."

One third goes to you. Do
whatever you want with it.

One third goes to Mabel...
- Rishi can have my third.

- I hate her so much.

One third Yosemite
National Park.

- Okay, and your second choice?

- Viking funeral.
- No...

- It's my choice.

All right, now what?

- Now, we take all the
envelopes, shuffle them up...

- Mm-hmm.
- And then just pick.

- Well, who... who picks?

- Would you like to pick?

- You can pick.
- I think you should pick.

- Somebody freakin' pick.
- Maybe you should pick.

Let's ask him to pick.

- Rishi, you can pick.

- I would be honored.

- Go ahead, you pick.
- Okay.

- Now what?

- Now we put it somewhere safe,

ideally an
independent third party.

- The lawyer?
- Smart.

Okay, yes, yes.

- Perfect, and there
it shall remain sealed.

Neither of you can
look at it until such time

as the first of
you shall pass on.

- Okey-dokey.

- Okay, I'm headed
uptown anyway.

You want me to drop it off?
- [stammers]

- What?

- Okay, not that you would...
- Oh, my God.

- Well, how do I know
that you're not gonna

on the way look at it and if
you don't like what it says,

maybe, you know,
change it to what you want?

- Are you kidding me?

- All right, I'm sorry
I said that out loud.

Okay, love you.
- Do you?

- Eh...

[sighs] Well, that was fun.

- Yeah, the kitchen was a blast.

We actually have
to get going too.

- The protest?
- Yep.

- Can I please persuade
you to rethink this?

- Mm, nope. Love you.

- Uh, okay.

- Thank you so much
for your hospitality.

- Hey, yeah, great having you.

- Are you sure you don't
want me to help fix your neck?

It really is quite simple.
- No, you know what?

I think it's probably better...
- Are you sure?

[cr*ck]

- Wow, that's fantastic.

Thank you!
- My pleasure.

Go Yankees!
- Yeah.

Wow.

What a guy.

Wow.

You know, he said we can't
look at the ones we picked.

He never said we can't look
at the ones we didn't pick.

Right?

Say something
if I shouldn't look.

[dog barks]

You didn't mean it.

"Buried together in Queens."

Okay, well,

guess who didn't
get his first pick?

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- You.
- What?

- You're a very nice girl.

- You opened the
other envelopes?

- No. Okay, yes.

- [chuckles]

- You put my first
choice in every envelope.

- Whatever.

You care about
it more than I do.

If it means that much to
you, that's what we should do.

- You... you're a nice girl.

- [chuckles] Hey, your neck!

- I know, can you believe
it? Rishi, one cr*ck.

- Wow.
- Sorry we're late.

- Hey.
- How'd your naked protest go?

- Very successful.
- Really cool.

- We even got some
press coverage.

- Oh, well, that's fortunate.
- Great.

- Good.

- I think we really started an
important public conversation.

- Yeah, I would imagine you did.

- Hey, how's your neck?
- It's fantastic.

I gotta... I haven't turned
this much since junior high.

Look. Boop-boop.

- Here.

So I broke the penguin.

Nothing. Empty. Niente.

- Okay, Splinky, I swear...
- No, Paulie, it's coming.

Trust me, it's coming.

No way Gonzo dies without
sticking me with that card.

- Is it possible that,
as a man in his s

and approaching his own death,

Gonzo had, I don't
know, let it go?

- I guess, maybe.

Uh...
- Oh, pardon me.

- Did you see that?
- What?

- Did he just put
something in my pocket?

- What?

- Ah, here we go:

"Naked Students
March On Dining Hall:

Naked Lunch Turns
Heads and Stomachs."

Cute.

Oh, great photo.

Mabel, there you
are right in front!

- Whoa!

[pop]

Ow! Neck! [stammers]

- I can fix it.
- Don't touch.

- Ira.
- Oh, Louise, hi.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Oh, this is awkward.

Did we, by chance, send
you a ceramic penguin?

- Yes.
- Oh, I'm so relieved.

That was meant for my son.

I'd love to get
that back if I could.

- Oh, um... you know what?

Actually, it's at home.

I... I could get it
to you tomorrow.

- Oh, no need.

You can call my son and
arrange for him to pick it up.

- Oh, sure.

- I'll tell him to expect
a call from d*ck Pole.

Yeah, baby.

- Son of a bitch!