08x12 - Happy Birthday, Bon Voyage, Goodbye for Now

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Mad About You". Aired: September 23, 1992 – May 24, 1999.
Paul and Jamie Buchman face an unexpected challenge after 25 years of marriage when their daughter moves away from home to study at university.
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08x12 - Happy Birthday, Bon Voyage, Goodbye for Now

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- I know, years
old, can you believe it?

- And she's a sweetheart.

- Ah, well thank you.
Yeah, she's a good kid.

- She's an incredible spirit.

- Ah, well that's very
sweet Mark, thank you.

- Good kid, Paul.
She's a gem, Paul.

- Yeah she's a... yeah...
Mark, I'm agreeing with you.

She's a good kid,
yes. And so tomorrow,

tomorrow : at Ira's.

And it's a surprise, all right?

So keep it under
your hat, buddy.

All right? All right,
see you there.

Okay, so that's everybody.

This is gonna be a
beautiful birthday party.

- I'm gonna say it again.
This is a terrible idea.

- What are you talk...
We have to have a party.

It's our last chance to
celebrate our kid as a kid.

- I know, but she
doesn't want...

- The party's not
for her, anyway.

- Her birthday
party is not for her?

- No, the party is
for all of us to gather

and tell her how
much we love her.

- While totally disregarding

whatever it is she
may or may not want.

- Yes, but with cake.
- Fantastic.

[easygoing music]

♪ ♪

- ♪ Tell me why ♪

♪ I love you like I do ♪

♪ Tell me who ♪

♪ Can stop my heart
as much as you ♪

♪ If we take each
other's hands ♪

♪ We can fly into
the final frontier ♪

♪ I'm mad about you, baby ♪
- ♪ Final frontier ♪

- ♪ I'm mad about you, baby ♪
- ♪ Final frontier ♪

- ♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

- ♪ Final frontier ♪

- She doesn't like surprises.

I think we should
at least run it by her.

- See, I don't get
that. I love surprises.

- You love surprises?
- Yeah, I do.

- Okay, your daughter
doesn't want a birthday party.


- Good morning.

- What... did you sleep here?

- She came over last night.
You were already asleep.

- And we talked really
loud right next to your head.

- That's nice... why...
Why are you sleeping here?

- No reason. Oh,
but, remember when

I lent you Scarlett Johansson's
dress for your interview?

- Yeah.
- That never happened, okay?

Oh, by the way, I called
Mabel to find out about the party,

if it was a gift thing or
not and she said not,

so don't think I'm cheap
when I show up with nada.

- You called Mabel
about the party?

- Yeah.
- The surprise party?

- Oh, poo.

- Hey, guys.

- Hey!
- Look who's here.

- It's the day
before your birthday.

- Is it okay if I
chill here for a bit?

My dorm's so noisy.
- Sure.

- You feeling okay?
You look a little funny.

- I'm fine, my
stomach's just a little...

- Can I make you something?
You want some crackers?

- I don't know, maybe.
What else you got?

- Dude, what's it like
being back at school?

- It's fine.

- [chuckles] Well
that's the spirit.

- Did you hear how
she got herself back in?

Such a great idea
she had. Tell her.

- It's too long to explain.
You know my friend Giovanni?

- I don't.

- You know what he's doing?
- I don't.

- A semester in the
Himalayas, living with nomads.

No phones, no Internet,
no running water.

Just living a yurt in
the middle of nowhere.

- Oof, yeah, probably
'cause his parents

are no longer living.

- My friend Akiko?
Working on a boat

in the middle of
the Pacific for a year

to clear plastic
out of the ocean.

- Okay, again, parents,
alive? Betcha not.

- My friend Henry?
Going to Nicaragua

to help farmers harness
sustainable energy from manure.

- Okay. Let me ask you this.

Any of your friends
going to classes,

reading a book,
anything like that?

- Here you go.
- No, I'm not hungry.

Oh... I heard maybe
there's a party happening?

- Oh, that's on me.

- Okay, well, I really
don't want a party.

I appreciate the thought...

- It's not just a thought,
it's an actual thing

you know, with plans and people.

- Honey, she doesn't want it.

- Well we gotta do
something, right?

Come on,
years in this country

and not one felony
conviction. Come on.

We gotta celebrate that, right?

- Okay, fine.

- Yay! Okay.

- But no surprises and no
singing, "Happy Birthday,"

and no actual party.

- No party. Got it.

Why don't the three of us
just have a nice, quiet dinner

at Ira's tomorrow night?
Just the three of us.

- Oh, how nice for Auntie Lisa.

- Well, you can come, too.
- I love you.

- Okay, so... well,
and Ira and Lucia

'cause they're already
gonna be there.

- [groans]
- All right, so that's it.

Just Ira and... well,
Mark and Tonya,

I hate to tell you, they
already changed plans

to be there,
so... but that's it.

- Okay.

- Okay... ooh, but your mother.

- Your mother.

- Your mother said
she was gonna come.

Come on, you can't
un-invite your grandmother.

- Okay, fine.
- Okay, but then that's it.

Just the aforementioned
special people and that's it

tomorrow at Ira's.

- We always go to Ira's.

Can we go to Dominica's
for pizza instead?

- You... you wanna go all
the way out to Staten Island?

- Of course we can. It's
your birthday, you choose.

- Great, thanks.

- Does she seem okay?

- Well she said she's
got a stomach thing...

- I'm gonna go check on her.
You better start calling people

about the change of plans.

- [sighs] Hey, you
wanna be a big help?

- I just woke up.

Okay, finally done.

Mark and Tonya had to
change their plans again

and your mother almost
fainted when I told her

she had to go out
to Staten Island,

but we're all good.
Everybody's good for the party.

- Cancel the party,
she changed her mind.

- Oh, come on.

- Okay, done. Everybody
has been called again

and understands that
our only child's birthday

will this year be
celebrated not at all.

- Does everybody hate us?

- Well not yet. One
more call should do it.

- Good morning.
- Hey, the birthday girl!

- Happy birthday, sweetie.
I didn't sing it, just said it.

- You feeling better?

- Much, yes, I am.

I think I just needed
a good night's sleep.

- So glad to hear it.
- Great.

- Um... can I talk to you
guys about something?

- Of course.
- Always.

- Maybe you should sit down.

- Uh-oh.
- Oh, boy.

- No, it's nothing like that.

- All right.
- Okay...

- Okay, so...

so I've been doing a
lot of thinking and um,

the thing is...

- You okay?

- Yeah, yeah, I
just, uh... I'm fine.

Okay, so, I've given
this a lot of thought.


I'm so sorry. Can you
give me one second?

- Are you all right?
- Yeah, I'll be right back.

- Maybe she is coming
down with something.

- She's not sick. She
wants to tell us something

but whatever it
is, she can't say it

'cause she's
afraid you'll say no.

- What... me?
- We, I meant we.

- Yeah, but you said me.

- She's afraid we'll say no,
even though you're the one

who usually says no.

- So you did... you did mean me.

- Yes, but I didn't
mean to say it.

- You know what...

I think you're absolutely right.

She wants to tell
us... and I know...

I know what it is.
- What?

- Oh, poor kid.
- What?

- She changed her mind
about the birthday party.

She changed her mind,
now she wants the party,

but she made such a
stink about it yesterday

she's embarrassed
just to tell us.

- It saddens me
that you believe that.

- It's gonna sadden
you even more

when it turns out
I'm exactly right.

- I promise you that's not
what she wanted to tell us.

- Hey, uh the thing that
I want to tell you guys...

- Sweetie, is it
good news or bad?

Maybe that would help.

- Oh, it's good. Yes.

I think it's really good.

- That's encouraging.

- It's so good, I think
we should celebrate it.

I will tell you
tonight at the party

with everyone in one place.

- I thought you
didn't want a party.

- I changed my mind.
- Ha!

- And I'm even gonna invite
some friends from school.

- Oh, that's great.
- Okay, great.

Maybe just give us a
little hint about what it is.

- Tonight, Ira's, I
will see you there.

Love ya.

- Is it too late to
not have kids?

- I know what it
is. She's pregnant.

- No, you just wanna
buy baby clothes.

- I saw the cutest
little onesie today.

It took every ounce of
willpower not to buy it.

- I bet you bought it.
- I got two!

- I think she just
said it was good news

to throw us off the scent.
I think it's bad news.

My guess is she either failed
a test or she k*lled someone.

- Hey, hey, hey.

Any clue about Mabel's
big announcement?

My staff and I are leaning
heavily toward marriage.

That or she k*lled someone.

- Hey, everybody.

- Hey!
- Rishi, hi.

- I hope you don't
mind. Mabel invited me

to join in on the fun.

- No, it's wonderful.
How are you feeling?

- Oh, much better.

I stopped yelling
out random words.

Now I just have the
occasional memory lapse.

- Who's your friend?

- Oh, this is Shannon.
I'm tutoring her in...

- Math.

- Math! Thank you.

Her parents are picking
her up soon so I'm just gonna

get out of everyone's way and
finish up some homework with...

all: Shannon.

- I knew there was an "a" in it.

- Can I talk to
you for a second?

- Yes, why are we whispering?
- Not here.

- Okay.

- Hey, Ashta.
- Hey Mr. Buchman.

- Hey, do you have any idea
what Mabel's big news is about?

- Yes, but I can't tell you.
If I did, Mabel would k*ll me.

- Let me ask you this.

When I hear it, will it k*ll me?

- [stammers]

- Oh, no, seriously? Oh...

- Just tell me.

- Okay, so the reason
why I've been staying

at your house the
last couple nights...

yeah, it's not a super
big deal, but, um,

there is a very slight chance
that I could be arrested

and dragged out
of here any second.

- What?

- Yeah, uh, so, you know
how I sometimes borrow

my celebrity clients' clothes?

Well Scarlet Johansson got
wind of it and she's got her g*ons,

like, checking all the security
camera footage at her place.

- Lisa, oh, my God.
- I've done nothing wrong!

I mean, I haven't taken
anything in a long time.

Except for this awesome blouse.

- Oh, Mom's here.

- Don't tell her
I'm going to jail.

- Oh...
- Mom, are you okay?

- Girls, I thought I'd
never see you again.

- Oh my goodness, what happened?

- Well, I... I took
a car service here

and when we got
close to the place, I said,

"Okay it's two blocks
up and on the right,"

and then I said,
"It's one block up

on the right," and then I said,

"It's here," and then I said,

"You missed it."

And then by the time
we finally stopped,

we were five blocks away.

- You had to walk?
- Five blocks!

Oh, my God.

I tell you, in the dark,
in the sub-freezing.

And the only thing
I had to protect me

was my granddaughter's
birthday present.

- Why weren't you
wearing a coat?

- Oh, sweetheart.
Look at the outfit.

I mean only an animal
would put coat over this.

Where's the ladies room?

I want to freshen up and
check myself for injuries.

- I'll take you, Mom.

You want me to take the present?

- No, no. After I thaw.

- Oh, look who's
here! The birthday girl!


- Hi, is everybody here?
- Except for Mark and Tonya.

- Great.

Okay, well... well I
don't want to wait, um...

- Oh, now give me your
coat, give me your coat.

All right, right this way.

We want everybody
to be able to hear.


The floor is yours my dear.

Let's have a little birthday
girl encouragement!


- Oh, yeah. Okay...

well, thank you all for coming.

Um, I guess I should
get right to it, huh?

So... so... um,
after a lot of thought,

I have decided... Oh, boy...

- Are you okay, sweetie?

- Yeah, I'm good. I'm good.

[exhales] As I was saying.

Um, I've given a
lot of thought to this,

and I have decided... oh, boy.

- Honey, we can do this later.

- No, no, I need to
get it out of the way.

I will feel much
better once I say it.

So, I... have...

- Excuse me.

Mabel quit school.

She is going on a
boat in the Pacific

to clean up plastic out of
the ocean for the next year.

- Ah-ha!
[scattered applause]

- See, I feel so much better.

- Still love surprises?

- Not as much, no. Uh...

uh... well, you know
what, sweetie, can I just say

I think that's a very,
very noble thought.

- It's not a thought.
It's an actual thing,

with plans and I'm
leaving tomorrow.

- You leave...

is that why you
wanted everybody here,

so you thought we
wouldn't get upset

if there were all
these people around?

- A little, yes.

- Yeah, well you
didn't think it through.

Ira's office, please. Excuse us.

- This is big news!
I'm very excited for...

- Mabel.

- Mabel, yes. Thank you.

- A boat? In the
middle of the ocean?

- Dad, I have
researched it thoroughly.

There are student volunteers,

there's a medic on board,

their safety record is spotless.

What else can I tell you?

- There's nothing
you can tell me

'cause you're not going.
- Paul.

- You can't tell me
what to do anymore.

I... I am an adult.

- Excuse me.

You've been an adult for
one day and may I remind you,

you weren't born
until... What time?

- : .
- : in the afternoon.

So yes, maybe you're
here, but in California,

you're still for another,
like, hour and ten minutes.

Guess what,
Sacramento just called

and they said you're not going.

- I don't want to fight.

I would like to spend my last
night at home with you both.

The van's coming at
: tomorrow morning.

I take a flight to Hawaii and
then I'm at sea for a year.

I love you both,

but I'm not backing down.

- We love you, too,

which is why you're not going.

- Knock, knock.

- Oh.
- Oh, sweetheart.

Happy birthday.

- Thank you.

- I got you a little something.

There's this lady
up on Lexington

and she makes the coziest,
most darling sweaters.

- She's gonna be in the
Pacific on a boat for a year, so...

- No, actually, she's
gonna be staying here,

so a cozy warm sweater
is gonna come in handy.

- Well... okey dokey, then.

I guess I'll just step outside

and let you continue
with what you're doing.

Oh, I love you sweetheart.

- Oh, Grandma, your
hands are so cold.

- Yeah, I know. I
almost died earlier.

- All right, I am going
back to the party.

Can we try and have
a good time tonight?


- Yes, we'll be out
in just a minute.

- Do you believe
that? Do you believe...

After all the love we've given

and all the support.
All that food.

And that's how she repays us.

- Can you please
just take a deep breath

before we respond
rashly? Let's just calm down

and then rejoin the party.

- I'm gonna rejoin
the party right now.

- No, you're not, I'm not
letting you go out there.

- Watch me.

- I'm not gonna let you
do something you regret.

'Cause if she's really
going, we're looking at a year

of regret and I live with
you. I don't wanna hear it.

- Well, it's not
gonna be a year.

- Paul, sit. I mean it.



- If she...
- Stay.

Good boy.

- Excuse me. Excuse me!

Sorry to interrupt, but I'm
just looking for the person...

- Okay! You got me.

I admit it... I did it,
but let me tell you

something right now,
mister. I did nothing wrong

and I would've totally
gotten away with it

if it wasn't for her!

- What did I do?
- Oh, little miss innocent.

You know what you did.

You menopause-d all over
Scarlet Johansson's dress.

Never mind. Just go ahead,

cuff me, take me away.

- I was just looking
for the person who

had the Honda parked out front.

You left your lights on.

- Oh, that would be
me. Thank you, officer.

- Paulie, we know it's difficult

having things sprung on you.

- Very difficult, the sprung.

- And it's not like we have
any experience with this.

- Experience we have? Nothing.

- Yeah, we don't have a child.

- Not one child.

- We don't have a child
who grew up and went away.

- Growing up, going
away, both of these not.

- So what did you
want to tell me?

- Um... as much as it hurts...

- Maybe it's time
to let Mabel go.

- Well, guys, I
appreciate the concern,

but she's not going.

- We tried, James.

- Yeah, yeah, I
heard. Come on out.

- Hey...

- Not you.

- Could somebody
get me a shrimp?

- Oh, my God. Oh,
my God, oh, my God.

- Hey, you guys.
Where've you been?

- All the way out
to Staten Island

on the ferry and
all the way back.

- Is the floor moving?

It feels like the
floor is moving.

- Sit down, sweetheart.

- I don't wanna sit down.

- You didn't hear about
the change of plans?

- Oh, who could keep track?

It's on, it's off,
it's on, it's off.

- Hey, hey are you guys okay?

- We're fine, sweetheart,
just a little damp.

- Oh, honey, we got you
the most beautiful present.

A basket of designer cookies.

- But the seagulls took it.

- Seagulls, ha!

It was one! One seagull.

Came down, swooped
in, took the basket,

the cookies, the whole shebang.

The upper body strength
on this bird, it's incredible!

- You want something
to eat, sweetheart?

Put something in your stomach.

- Don't even mention food to me.

I couldn't eat for a week.

Ooh, shrimps.

Ooh, look... [gasps]

and the big ones.

- He swoops down, got
the wing span of a DC- ,

I'm telling ya. He
grabs the basket

and nearly lifts me
off my feet, and then...

- Okay, hey, you know
what, hey everybody.

Not that I'm not enjoying
being stuck in a closet

with , people, but please,
just clear out, everybody.

- We're not gonna leave
you here by yourself.

- How can we enjoy
party without you?

- It wouldn't be right
for us to leave, Paul.

- Yeah, not to
mention, we can't leave.

- Jamie locked us in.

- Okay, everybody out.
Everybody out, out, out.

- It's my office.
- I don't care.

Oh no, no, you... you sit.

- I've been sitting for an hour.

- And you're going
to keep sitting until

I'm done telling you something.

- Listen, my daughter is about
to do something very stupid.

Am I supposed to do...

- Everybody does stupid
things when they're young.

It's part of the
job description.

- I just worry that
she's gonna...

- Will you quit worrying
about your daughter's life

and start enjoying your own?

And you've got a lot to enjoy.

In fact, I think the two of you

are the luckiest
people in the world.

- Well... I don't feel
that lucky right now.

- Oh, please. You're young.

Your bodies do almost
everything you tell them to.

And most important
thing of all...

when you wake up in the morning,

the person you love is
right there next to you.

Every morning I wake up,

I look over at your
father's side of the bed...

and I can't believe
he's not there.

You know, doing
his morning cough

which always used
to make me crazy.

Ah, but now...

you know what, enjoy
each other, okay?

Every second you can.

Okay, I've said my
piece. I'm out of here.

- Thanks. I'm sorry, Mom,

I know it's late for you.
- What... late?

I've got a date in
Queens in half an hour.

- Shall we?

- I'm still not ready.
- Paul...

- I know what's gonna
happen if I go out there.

I'm gonna go out there,
I'm gonna crumble,

and I'm gonna give
her my blessing,

which means tomorrow
she's gonna go.

If I stay in here a little
longer, I can maybe

trick myself into thinking
that's not gonna happen.

- You helped me through
the last time she left.

I'm gonna help you with this.

[slow piano music]

- ♪ East of the sun ♪

♪ And west of the moon ♪

♪ We'll build a dream house ♪

♪ Of love dear ♪

♪ Close to the sun in the day ♪

♪ Close to the moon at night ♪

♪ We'll live in a
lovely way dear ♪

♪ Sharing our love in
the pale moonlight ♪

♪ Just you and I ♪

♪ Forever and a day ♪

♪ Love will not die ♪

♪ We'll keep it that way ♪

♪ Up among the
stars we'll find ♪

♪ A harmony of
life to a lovely tune ♪

♪ East of the sun ♪

♪ And west of the moon ♪

♪ Dear ♪

♪ East of the sun ♪

♪ And west of the moon ♪

[cheers and applause]

- You got all your
devices, all your chargers?

- She doesn't need 'em.

- There's no internet or
cell service on the boat.

I love you.

- Well then how can you
reach us in an emergency?

- I can't.

- Well... just take your
phone anyway, just in case.

- Dad...

- She can only take one big bag.

Do you have aspirin,
antacid, Band-Aids?

- Mom, they have
all that on the boat.

- Look at you.

Last time you left you
were running around

like a crazy person and now...

- Well, what can I say?
Guess I'm grown up.

[phone buzzes]

Van's downstairs.

- [sighs]

- I guess I'll see
you in a year.

- You will.

- Don't change.

I mean, change,
definitely... Just not too much.

- I love you.

For you, Dad. Just in case.

- Thank you.

- You okay?

- Yeah, I'm fine, um...

just suddenly didn't
feel so grown up.

Here I go.

- [sighs]

Well... let me congratulate
you, Mrs. Buchman.

We made a very nice person.

- We did.

- The fact that she wants
to go clean the oceans...

that's all you.

- The fact that she
packed zero sunscreen...

- Okay... so, uh, now what?

- Yeah, I knew you
would ask. Start packing.

- I'm out? That was so fast.

- Just texted you
your boarding pass.

We leave first
thing in the morning.

- To where?

- I can't believe
you have to ask.

You and me, pal.
Tahiti, two whole weeks.

- Well, I don't know where

you got that crazy
idea, but, why not?

- You know,
Tahiti's in the Pacific,

so depending on
where Mabel's boat is,

maybe we can just
swing by, take a...

- Oh, sweetie.
- All right, fine.
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