03x17 - Think Smartly—Vote Hartley

[bunniefuu]

KLyQ/g originally scheduled at this time...

will not be seen tonight
in order to bring you the following...

paid political program
entitled...

Meet Milt Hubatka.

People Chanting]
Milt Hubatka has a plan.

Vote for him to be a fan,.

Milt Hubatka- you know he can.

Vote him into office, he's our man.

His opponent must've
paid for that.

Good evening, Chicago.
This is Milt Hubatka...

candidate for
the state senate.

I'm here on television tonight
to be examined...

under the brutal microscope
of public scrutiny.

Sorry, Milt.

Man On TV And so we urge you
to vote yes on Referendum “B”...

and provide free parking
for the National Guard.

This announcement paid for
by Citizens For Cement.

Oh, hi, Bob.
You remember Rita Montez.

- She teaches the fifth grade.
- Hi.

Oh. Hi.

Guess I should slip into something
a little less comfortable.

Don't bother.
I like spindly legs.

Thank you.
I, uh-

I wasn't, uh-

uh, wasn't
expecting you this early.

Well, there was no point in staying
at a school board meeting...

without the school board
chairman.

- Oh, Dr. Dalton didn't show up again, huh?
- That's the fourth time in a row.

Where I come from, when a public official
misses that many meetings...

he disappears in the middle of the night,
and no one ever sees him again.

Well, h-here in Chicago,
we have a slightly different system.

Don't give me that.
I've seen The Untouchables.

We've been trying to raise money
for a science lab in our district for six months...

- and Dalton never shows up.
- He oughta have his thumbs pulled off.

Bob, I want you
to look at this.

This is Stevie Boardman's science project.
He did the whole thing at home.

“Your Friend the Nose.“

I mean, with a science lab,
he could've made that nose talk.

Look at this.
Nostrils. Bones.

Nifty little
nasal passages.

I had a project like that
when I was in third grade.

- You made a nose?
- No, no.A hinge.

You know, the thing that
sticks the door to the wall.

It may sound simple,
but it wasn't that easy in those days.

I mean, we didn't have a lot of-
power tools they have now and-

Oh, honey.
This is serious.

Sure. Everybody takes
the hinge for granted.

But we've gotta do something
about Dr. Dalton.

Rip his toes off.

You-
Well, uh-

He's an elected official,
I mean, work for his opponent.

- Vote him out of office.
- He's running unopposed.

- Unless you wanna run against him.
- Me?

- Who, Bob?
- Yeah. Why not?

Come on!
I mean...

wh-what does Bob know
about running for office.

What's wrong with Bob?
He'd be a perfect candidate.

He's a psychologist.
He's intelligent.

All we have to do
is cover his spindly legs.

Why don't you run?

Oh, I-l couldn't. I'm-
I'm really much too busy.

- You're not doing anything now.
- Well, that's-

that's only because, uh,
Kojak was preempted.

Think about it. Emily, could I leave
Stevie's nose here till Wednesday morning?

- Oh, sure. Fine.
- What'; Wednesdaymom/ng?

The next board meeting. That's when
we get another sh*t at Dr. Dalton.

Did- Did you see the way her eyes
lit up when she said “sh*t“?

She didn't mean it.
Shejust wants to pull his thumbs off.

I don't know, Dr. Hartley.
I just can't seem to make decisions.

Like the other day, I was at
the A [P buying cottage cheese.

I couldn't decide between
the large and the small curd.

What did you
finally buy?

I bought a new car.

That's an interesting
compromise.

What- What color is it?

I couldn't decide.

I'll have it painted
when it gets here.

Well, I'm afraid
our time is up.

Yeah, well, I'll either
see you next week...

or I won't.

In the meantime,
why don't you try to recall...

some of the good decisions
you've made.

The last one I ever made
was years ago.

I bought Xerox at
three dollars a share.

Well, that, uh-
that was a good decision.

Yeah, but I sold it
at three and a quarter.

- Bob.
- Oh, hi, Emily. Hi, Rita.

- Hi, Mrs. Hartley.
- Oh, hello, Mr. Carlin.

- This is my friend, Rita Montez.
- Hi.

Uh, Bob, d-do you know
what day today is?

Yeah. Today is,
uh, Wednesday.

Boy, I wish I could
decide that fast.

But what is it
besides Wednesday?

Thursday?

Today was the day of the school board meeting,
and Dr. Dalton didn't show up.

Your name's on this petition
to run against him in the election.

Emily, you should check with me
before you put my name on a petition.

- She didn't do it. I did it.
- Oh.Well-

That's a very
nice compliment, but-

- I- I really don't know. - Why? it's a simple
decision. Either run, or you don't run.

It's not like you have to decide
between large and small curd.

Listen, this could be the start of
a whole new career. Right?

Well, I-l kinda
like my old career.

Well, honey,
you can have both.

Yeah. This is our chance
to- to grind Dalton into dust.

Rita, I'd like to talk to you sometime
about your choice of words.

I'm signing
this petition right now.

- Petition?What, uh, petition?
- Oh, Bob's. He's running for public office.

- Hey, terrific. Let me have it. I'll sign it.
- Ah.

Jerry, y-you don't even know
what office I'm running for.

It doesn't matter what it's for, Bob.
Whatever it is, you're right for it.

- It's the, uh- for the school board.
- Well, you're wrong for that.

But it doesn't matter, Bob.
You'd be the perfect candidate for anything.

I mean, you've always
kept a low profile.

Make a note, Carol.
We'll get him some lifts.

I mean it, Bob.
You're perfect.

You're low-keyed yet forceful.
Unobtrusive yet dynamic.

Short yet tall.

You hear that, Bob.
That is the voice of the people.

Right, Bob. And I'll helpyou
with your campaign.

We'll capitalize on
all your strong points.

Youryouthful exuberance
coupled with your fatherly wisdom.

Right.
Young yet old.

This nose is
really amazing, Bob.

I remember when we were in the eighth grade.
A bunch of us kids got together...

and built a heat-seeking
m*ssile and, uh-

Everyone thought
it was great except my mom.

It att*cked her stove.

After that, I didn't like, uh,
aeronautics anymore.

I got into
flying instead.

Howard, aren't
they similar?

Flying has stewardesses.

- What's- What's that?
- Oh, it's my old high school yearbook.

Ah.

I was just, uh-

I was reminiscing about, uh, when I was
president ofthejunior class. You know?

There was a lot of satisfaction there.
You know, we-

we accomplished
quite a bit.

It was during
my administration...

that we painted all
the up stairwells green...

and all the down
stairwells red.

I really admire your running
for public office, Bob.

Why don't you run on the same platform
you ran on in high school?

My platform in high school was trying
to get Benny Goodman for homecoming.

- Did you get him?
- Yeah, but, uh...

he couldn't get up to the gym-
the stairwells were still wet.

Bob, are you now
or have you ever been...

a member of a subversive
organization?

Well, my fraternity
was kinda wild.

Have you ever knowingly
committed a crime?

Wow. You live with
someone a long time...

and you really
never know them.

No, no, Howard. I'm just
trying to anticipate...

any embarrassing questions
Bob might be asked.

You know, at a coffee
klatch or something.

Yeah, I just, uh-
I hope they don't ask about your friends.

I've got a lot of
skeletons in my closet, and, uh...

some of them
were pretty stacked.

You know, Bob, for your own good, I think
you shouldjust pretend you don't know me.

Doorbell Buzzes

That, uh,
could be the F.B.l.

Hey, Howard, maybe you'd better hide
in the closet. [Chuckles]

- Oh, hello, Mr. Pottinger.
- Hi, Emily.

- I'm sorry to barge in.
- Oh, no, no.

Come right in. Honey,
this is Rex Pottinger.

I'm the vice-principal
of Emily's school.

Did he say “vice“?

This is my husband, Bob,
and this is, uh-

Uh, nobody, nobody.
I, uh-

I don't know
why I'm here or...

whol am.

I'm just a face
in the crowd.

I was in the neighborhood, and I wanted
to tell you about the debate.

What, uh-
What debate?

Oh. At the teachers'
meeting tomorrow night.

Dr. Dalton will be there,
and he has agreed to debate the issues.

Oh, that's wonderful, Bob.

Now you can show Dr. Dalton up
for what he really is.

- That is, if you're willing to participate.
- Well, let's see.

Tomorrow night is, uh,
Little House on the Prairie.

I-I guess
I could miss that.

Darn!
I forgot that was on.

Well, we all have to
make sacrifices.

Yes, that's what
vice-principaling is all about.

Making sacrifices,
thinking of ideas...

policing the lavatories.

-[Sighs]
- It's an awesome responsibility.

Well, it's no small chore.

I'm just a heartbeat away
from the principaFs office.

Well-

Oh, we'll start
at : .

Oh, and try
to be there on time.

'Cause if you're late,
it'll be my rear end.

Well, I guess my hat
is really in the ring now.

This is really getting
exciting, Bob.

You know what your going
to say tomorrow night?

No, but I'll just say
whatever comes into my head.

I was born...

two score
and five years ago-

In a little log cabin, Bob?

[Laughs]
No, Emily.

- A little log apartment building.
- Mm.

Many of you may be wondering why a psychologist
is running for the school board.

- No, forget that, Carol. I don't want
them to wonder. - [ Pencil Scratching]

My name is
Dr. Robert Hartley.

[Groans]

It's dull, Bob.

Well, I'm not gonna
change my name.

Oh, no, no, Bob.
It's a dull beginning.

But you are the boss.
lam a mere secretary.

Not that, uh, secretaries
don't sometimes...

have better ideas than
your regular people.

But- Oh, please, go ahead.
I'm waiting.

As you know, the need for
an effective school board...

is a need... that
has long been...

needed.

What's-
What's your idea, Carol?

I'd go for thejoke, Bob.
You know, catch 'em by surprise.

They'd never expect
a joke from you.

- What kind of joke?
- A shrinkjoke.

You know, let 'em know
you can laugh at yourself.

- L- I don't think so.
- Mm-mmm?

Besides, the only, uh,
“shrinkjoke“ that I know...

is, uh-
[Chuckles]

The one about the, uh-

Guy walks into this psychologist's office,
you know, and, uh-

he has this banana
in his ear.

- Use it, Bob. Use it!
- [ Phone Ringing]

At least it'll make you
seem more human.

You know, not like you're
running for something.

Oh, I'll get that.

Think smartly,
vote Hartley.

Oh, yes, Mr. Carlin.
Uh-huh.

Your appointment is
Wednesday at : . Right.

Yes, he did decide to run.
Be sure and tell all your friends.

Well, you know, if you make any
in the next couple of weeks...

tell them.

Uh, Bob, uh-

Next Thursday night-
what's on the agenda?

Emily and I are having
dinner with my mother.

Oh, forget that, Bob. You've already got
your mother's vote.

I've got you scheduled
for a Bavarian beer fest...

and a bratwurst
tug-of-w*r.

- Are you seriousJerry?
- Of course I'm serious, Bob.

It'll show 'em you're a man of the people.
Boost the image.

- Give you a little charisma.
Jerry, I don't want any charisma.

I don't want my phone
being answered by slogans.

I mean, you're trying to make me
into a totally different person.

Can't hurt.

The only reason I'm running for the school board
is I think I can do some good there.

I am not running for the United States Senate.
That's way in the future.

- If- lfat all.
-Well-

jer, of course. He's right.
I mean, one thing at a time.

Sure. If he doesn't wanna have
a personality, that's his business.

The only thing I want is to get through the debate
tonight without making a fool of myself.

Fine. I'll go start
typing up the banana joke.

Okay, Bob, we'll forget all about tugging
the bratwurst and all that crazy stuff.

How would you feel about
wrestling a greased pig?

It depends.
Is he undefeated?

Well, it's getting late.

- I'm afraid Dr. Dalton isn't gonna make it.
- Wow, what a surprise.

Maybe we should start
without him.

Well, I-l think we could give him
a couple more minutes.

- Nervous, Bob?
- Well, you know, I want to be a little nervous.

You know, like a boxer,
on my toes.

Oh. Float like a butterfly,
sting like a bee.

All right, everybody.
Take your seats, please.

Just fill in anywhere.

That's fine.

[Clears Throat]

As you all know,
I'm Rex Pottinger...

vice-principal of
Tracy Grammar School.

Thank you.

We're all here tonight
for the debate...

between Dr. Collie Dalton
and Dr. Robert Hartley.

So, without further delay, we'll begin
with the -second opening statements.

Proceeding alphabetically,
we'll begin with Dr. Dalton.

Well, Dr. Hartley, you have
O seconds to respond.

- Uh, th- thank-
- [Feedback]

- Th-Thank-
- [Feedback]

T-Testing. Testing.

I guess, uh, that's an appropriate phrase
t-to say in a classroom.

My, uh- My opponent has made a habit
of missing school board meetings.

As you can see,
he's not even here tonight.

Because of this, I-l think
the students in our school are-

- [Rex] Thank you, Dr. Hartley
- Attaboy. That's tellin' him.

- Was that really O seconds?
- According to Mickey.

And now it's time
for questions from the floor.

I have a question
for Dr. Hartley.

- What is it, Mr. Carlin?
- I wanna play the devil's advocate for a minute.

Go ahead.

What the devil are you doing?

What's a guy with no kids
running for the school board for?

I mean, what'd you do,
invest in a blackboard company?

No, uh-

No, I didn't. As a matter
of fact, my, uh-

my slate is clean.

- Any other questions? Mrs. Hartley.
- Uh, yes.

Uh, Dr. Hartley, are you
aware that Dr. Dalton...

- has missed five consecutive meetings?
- Yes.

- And, uh, do you consider that appropriate?
- No.

And if you were elected...

- would you attend all of the meetings?
- Yes.

I rest your case.

[Jew]
All right. Way to tell 'em. Great!

Is that your style, Dr. Hartley, attacking a guy
who's not even here to defend himself?

Well, I-l wasn't
attacking anybody.

Maybe I should sit in
for Dr. Dalton for a while.

You can't sit in for anybody.
You're the moderator.

Well, I'm sure there are some good things
to be said for Dr. Dalton.

Not byyou! You can't stick up for a guy
who's afraid to come to his own debate.

Miss Montez, I'm not
sticking up for anybody.

Yes, you are.
You're Dalton's puppet.

Puppet?
You're a revolutionary!

Now, w-w-w-wait a minute.
She is not a revolutionary.

She's just trying to do something
for the school system.

[Clamoring]

Bob, what are you doing?

Well, I'm trying
to get some order.

You'd gavel your own wife?

I wasn't gaveling you.
I was gaveling everybody.

Attaboy, Bob.
You'll gavel your way right to victory.

Well, look,
I-it's kind of-

It's kind of silly to stand here
and-and debate a- a ghost.

I just wanna say
that ifl'm elected...

I'll go to the meetings
and do my best.

And it's a-
it's a beginning and, uh-

Well, I guess that's
the gist of what I'm trying to say.

So, uh, thank you
very much.

Oh.

Bob, you were
just wonderful.

Congratulations,
Mr. Board Member.

[ Rex]
Dr. Dalton!

Pottinger, I'm sorry.

- Excuse me.
- Sure.

I want to apologize to
everyone here for being late...

but my plane was delayed
leaving Washington.

While I was there, I was able
to manage certain arrangements.

Our school system hasjust received
a special grant of $ , .

- [ Gasping]
- To be used any way we see fit...

which should buy
a new school bus or two...

a new science lab and maybe even have enough
left over for some chalk and erasers.

But... that's no excuse
for being late.

That's- [ Clears Throat]
That's all right.

- You don't, uh- You don't wanna-
- [Feedback]

You don't wanna get
too close to that.

Thank you. Well, I certainly
would like to stay longer...

but, well, the mayor's waiting up special
just to sign this darned thing.

And you can't keep the mayor waiting,
so on with the debate.

And...

thank God we still have
the right to debate.

Well, Dr. Hartley, I guess this means
you're entitled to time for a rebuttal.

Uh-
[Clears Throat]

This guy, uh-
This guy walks into a-

a psychologist's office
and, uh-

and he has a banana
in his ear and, uh-

The psychologist says...

“How- How come you have
the, uh, banana in your ear?“

And- And the guy says, uh...

“Well, uh, they were
all out of grapes.“

_ U h_
- [Feedback]

Man On TV]
And in the state senate race...

Milt Hubatka is suffering
an overwhelming defeat...

which was expected after
his indictment last week for extortion.

Well,
why don't I, uh-

Why don't I turn this off,
unless you want to watch it?

My race was over
about three hours ago.

Oh, honey,
Why'd you do that?

I mean, the race isn't over
till the last vote is counted.

Emily's right.
% is no indication.

Uh, well, I'll be
calling it a night here.

I'll see you tomorrow,
Bob, at work.

Remember, you still
have a job.

Uh- Oh, listen.

You remember those leftover bumper stickers
that you ordered?

What would you like me
to do with those?

Right. Right.

You know, Bob, I, uh-
I hate to say this, but-

In a way, I'm kind of glad
you got creamed, you know?

I mean, now we can go back
to being friends again.

Of course, on the other hand,
who wants to be friends with a loser?

Well, we could always have lunch
in a deserted warehouse, Howard.

I was only kidding, Bob. I mean,
we've weathered worse things than this.

Of course, I can't think of
any of them right now.

But you know if you ever need me,
I mean, uh-

I'll be there.

Uh, I'll call you in
a couple of months.

Well, I'm glad
that's over.

Bob- You know, you shouldn't
let this get you down.

Emily, it's not
getting me down.

I mean, it's nothing
to be ashamed of.

Emily, I feel fine.
As a matter of fact, I feel terrific.

No, you don't, Bob.

- Yes. Yes, I do.
- Bob, you lost an election!

- Well, it was an experience.
- Well, you must feel awful.

- No, I don't.
- Bob, you can't kid me.

Okay, I-
I feel awful.

See? There, now don't you feel better
now that you just let it all out?

- Much better.
- Yeah.

In fact, I feel so good, I'm gonna call
Dr. Dalton and congratulate him.

Well- You mean, y-you're
gonna concede already?

Emily, a , -vote lead
in a , -vote district...

doesn't exactly
call for a recount.

All right, Bob.
If you wanna quit.

Emily, he's a good man,
and- and he does get things done.

I mean, it's-it's
a gentlemanly thing to do.

I mean, ifit were me,
he'd do the same thing.

H- Hello? This is
Dr. Robert Hartley.

I'd like to, uh- I'd like to congratulate
Dr. Dalton on his victory.

Well, would-would you
tell him I called...

when he gets back from, uh-
from the movies?

Just tell your dad that I ran
against him in the election.

[Clears Throat]
Uh, H- H-A-R-T-

Well, how many votes did you
end up with, Dr. Hartley?

- Uh, approximately .
- Yeah?

Well, one of'em
was mine.

Well, uh, thank you
very much, Mr. Carlin.

I appreciate your
voting for me.

Well, I made two decisions.
One for you, and one for gray.

What office
did Gray run for?

That's my new car. It came yesterday.
I'm having it painted gray.

I think the important thing is you're making
decisions. And I'm very proud of you.

Yeah? I guess you're right.
lam making progress.

[ Mews]