03x11 - An American Family

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Bob Newhart Show". Aired: September 16, 1972 –; April 1, 1978.*
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Comedian Bob Newhart portrays a psychologist whose interactions with his wife, friends, patients, and colleagues lead to humorous situations and dialogue.
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03x11 - An American Family

Post by bunniefuu »

Ellen? Yeah?

You missed a spot. Your
mother's bound to notice.

Oh, no, emily, that
spot's on your side.

Well, let's both do it at
the same time, okay? Oh, okay.

Oh, it's still there. It
must be in the glass.

Well, since it's my mother, maybe
we should replace the glass.

Well, I've gotta take . Ellen,
w-we forgot to dust the lampshades.

Oh, that was a quick .

Emily, wh-where's
my yellow flannel...

shirt?

That was my favorite shirt.

It was like an
old, yellow friend.

You know, one day you're young
and you got all your buttons,

And the next day they're
mopping up the floor with you.

Let it go, bob. Life goes on.

Yeah, and so does the waxing.

Uh, emily, thanksgiving
is still two days away.

You've waxed that table three
time already. You're waxing wax.

Maybe that is enough cleaning.

I think I'll just
dust the plant dirt.

I do not believe what we're going
through for a thanksgiving dinner.

Why don't we just go out?

Should have done what
dad suggested and go fishing.

We haven't had thanksgiving
dinner together for five years.

That's because it takes five
years to get the house this clean.

Oh, don't be silly. I'm not doing
anything I wouldn't normally do.

Say, do you think these leaves would
shine if I rubbed mayonnaise on them?

Yeah. Then we can eat 'em.

Hi. Oh, wow. Well, I finally
got the corn and squash.

Terrific. Thanks a lot.

Howard, these are frozen.

How can I hang 'em
on the front door?

Oh, they're for decorations.
It's a hartley tradition.

The only tradition my
family ever knew was divorce.

Don't worry about it, honey.

Marriage is a tradition in our
family. Years and years of it.

But first I wanna make a great impression
on your parents. Let me help, okay?

Well, howard, if you
really want to help, you

Can put the corn and
the squash in the freezer.

Yeah, good. Then you can tell
your parents that I did it, okay?

Howard, w-wait a minute.

Can't be too careful.

oh! Oh! Howard!
Don't go in there.


- I just washed
the kitchen floor.
- Oh.

Howard! Don't touch the
refrigerator. Fingerprints.

I don't know how
I'm gonna do this.

howard, if you figure it out, you're
really gonna impress my parents.


Hi, everybody. Hi, emily.

I am glad you're doing nothing because
I have your thanksgiving assignments.

Well, I was gonna
make a couple of pies.

Oh, I'm sorry, honey, but bob's
mother's in charge of pies.

We do have an opening in
carrot sticks and olives though.

Oh, I don't know if
I can handle that.

Everything else
is taken care of.

What if I make one of my world-famous
creamed spinach soufflés?

- You're on.
- what can I bring, emily?

Chairs. Okay, chairs.

Fine. Is bob busy? Nope.

Hey, emily, did you
see carol's brooch?

What? The brooch.
The pin I made for carol.

Carol, show it to her.

You made that? Yeah.

Out of what? Stevie
seldin's braces.

Out of the mouths of
babes, oft time come jewelry.

[jerry] you see there? It's
in the shape of illinois.


and the zircon is springfield.
If carol ever gets tired of it,


She can just turn it upside
down, it'll become nevada,

In which case the zircon
would be, uh, las vegas.

Swell. Do you like it?

Well, uh, I like it on carol.
You know, she can carry it.

Well, look, I can make one for you. I'm
yanking out kim turley's retainer today.

Oh, I don't think so, jerry.

You know, i... I don't
know kim that well.

hi.

hi, honey. You, uh...
You wanna go to lunch?


Oh, bob, I don't have time for
anything. Your mother's seen to that.

I have to pick up the
freshly-picked sweet potatoes...

At the produce market
in exactly, uh, minutes.

And then I have to get the
cranberries damp from the bog...

So that your mother can
make the cranberry pilgrims.

Yeah, that's a hartley
tradition along with the, uh,

Pecan-walnut indians.

Then I have to hit the south side
creamery to pick up the centerpiece.

That would be the big letter
"h" chiseled out of butter.

Right. See you later.

I'm sorry to interrupt, but I
wanna get started on your pin.

Oh. Jerry, don't go to any
trouble. No trouble at all.

I just want to know
what state you want. Uh...

California, texas?

Well, how about,
uh, rhode island?

Bye.

[Mouths word]

Why, emily, that
spot came right out.

I don't know how you
could have missed it.

It just takes a
little elbow grease.

I guess that's the one
thing we forgot to buy.

Oh, I suppose nobody's going
to stuff the cornucopia.

Why don't you stuff it, martha?

Yeah, mom. N-nobody stuffs
the cornucopia like you.

Herb, why don't you put down
what you're doing and... And help me.

Can't. Can't catch a
trout with a half-tied fly.

You've really got that down
to an art. What, not helping her?

No, tying the fly. I'll
tell you somethin', son.

I've been tying this same
fly for the last years.

It's gonna be a dandy
when you get through.

Yeah, I'll be .

Oh, sonny, could you fold
the napkins into a fan design?

I don't think so.

Oh, then you could
do the place cards.

Why can't we just
sit boy-girl, boy-girl?

I'll do the place cards. Bob, would
you put the leaves in the table...

So we see how much room
we need for the eight of us?

Eight? You mean you're having
those friends from the office...

Sit at the table with us?

- Wh-why not?
- No reason,

Except when we start reminiscing,
they'll feel awfully out of place.

Oh, we'll just lock
'em in the closet.

How much reminiscing you
planning on doing, martha?

Five years' worth.

I wouldn't mind
sittin' in the closet.

- [bell dings]
- oh, your mincemeat
pies are ready.

Oh, take them out of the
oven, dear. And no snitching.

I know how you love mincemeat.

Well, I'll try and
control myself.

Now, there.

It's all finished. Nobody
breathe till it settles.

Emily, where's your bundt pan?

Gee, I don't think
we have a bundt pan.

Sometimes we go a
whole week without bundt.

Make light of it, sonny, but a
kitchen without a bundt pan...

Is like coffee
without eggshells.

Oh, by the way, where
are the eggshells?

They're probably
in the bundt pan.

Very amusing, herb.

Come on, martha. I'm taking you home.
You've done enough for one night.

Yeah, I think we're all a
little tired. All right, dear.

Oh, but wait till I get my
bird out of the freezer.

You know, it's
really quite heavy.

Yeah. Isn't... Isn't
it lovely, dear?

Yeah, it looks as good as
when you brought it over in july.

[knocking] [man] somebody
order a turkey?


What?

Hi, honey! Daddy!

Mom! Come on in.

How are you? You look
wonderful, martha.

Oh, what are you two doing here?

We were sitting home last
night. Your mother said, "junior,

"We can't let this thanksgiving
go by without seein' the kids.

Why don't we take the
night coach out to chicago?"

And so here we are. Oh, well,

This is really a
family thanksgiving.

I hope this -pound
turkey isn't too big.

I to pay half fare
for it on the plane.

We already have a turkey.

We, uh... We can use
two turkeys, mom.

Oh, and emily, I brought my
recipe for oyster stuffing.

Oyster? I planned on chestnut.

- Well...
- We can use both, mom.

Guess what? Mom brought one
of her famous thanksgiving pies.

- It isn't
mincemeat, is it?
- Pumpkin.

Mincemeat makes emily sick.

Why don't we all sit down,
and I'll make some coffee, huh?

But there's no time.
We have a lot to do.

There's nothing to do. I
have it all under control.

Oh, good. Say, herb,
still catching fish?

- Yeah, if they're bitin',
I'm catchin'.
- If they're not bitin'?

I'm waitin'.

Herb, I think we'd better
go. Oh, don't be silly, martha.

Sit down. No. I'll
just stand here...

Out of the way.

How long has it been, herb?

We've been married years.

I mean, uh, since
we've seen you.

Oh. I don't know.

Well, I know. It was bob
and emily's first anniversary.

We gave them a radio,
you bought them a car.

It's... It's our favorite radio,
mom. Yeah, it has fm and everything.

Great radio. Yeah,
we still have it.

We-we sold the car.

Oh, it was a great little car.

I hope we haven't thrown a monkey
wrench into your plans, emily,

But you know junior.

He really so wanted to be here.

Oh, no. You haven't
changed our plans one bit.

It's just changed the menu,
and the portions will be smaller.

Come on, martha.
Who cares about food?

I do. Food is a hartley
tradition, isn't it, sonny?

We've always believed in food.

You see, now we have
two families to eat it.

We have the hartleys
and the harrisons.

It's turned into
quite a mob, hasn't it?

Ah! No one's gonna go
hungry with that big bird.

Big? It's grotesque.

Martha, you gotta admit
your bird is a little scrawny.

I'll have you know I've gone to an
awful lot of trouble, junior harrison.

A-and junior appreciates
that, don't you, junior?

Oh, uh, sure I do, bob.

I can see the work
that went into all this.

It, uh... It looks very nice.

Bob?

You know, I'm almost
sorry my parents came.

it's okay. It's my mother's
fault. She acted silly.


No. No. I really
have to apologize.

They shouldn't been so
impulsive to just drop in.

No, my mother's been
tough on your folks.

I mean, they were nice
enough to come by,

Although they, uh...
They could've called.

Well, you know daddy
and his surprises.

Yeah, it's kind of irritating,
his little sneak att*cks.

Well, there was nothing sneaky about
your mother's att*ck on my father.

I mean, she made him feel
about as welcome as the mumps.

- Your father
insulted my mother.
- He did not.

He insulted her bird.

Well, she insulted him
when she asked him...

If he wanted "junior" or his
regular adult name on his place card.

You have to admit, "junior" is
kind of a silly name for a grown-up.

Well, so is "sonny."

Oh, bob, listen to us. We're
being as childish as they are.

Yeah, you're right. You know, bob, we're
gonna have to find some strategic way...

To keep them from getting
into a fight tomorrow.

I'll tell you what we'll do. You take care
of your folks, I'll take care of my folks.

Your dad wants
anything, you handle it.

If my mother wants anything,
I'll take care of it. Oh. Okay.

Say, bob? hmm?

Would you go to
the all-night market?

- Now?
- Well, I forgot
to pick up...

That special brand
of coffee your mother

Wanted, and the markets
are closed tomorrow.

She's your mother.

No. No. If you...

If you can't make
it, you can't make it.

No, I understand.

Okay.

Bye, dad.

Well, scratch two place
settings and one turkey.

All right. Okay.

Aggie harrison and
cornelius harrison jr.

- Why aren't they coming?
- My father said he ran into
an army buddy at the hotel...

Who insisted they have dinner
together, but I don't believe him.

Well, it's possible. My
father wasn't in the army.

[doorbell buzzes] it's
because of my mom, isn't it?

Well, it could be. They
said they might drop

By for dessert when
the crowd thinned out.

Hi, honey. Oh, they're
beautiful. Thank you.

Uh, no, these are not for
you. They're for your mom.

Oh.

Thanks.

How come you're wearing
your uniform, howard?

Well, I thought I'd save
time. I'm flying out at : ,

And your folks have
never seen me in my uniform.

And, uh, tan makes me
look tall and responsible.

Howard, don't worry. Mrs.
Hartley already likes you,

And mr. Hartley will like
you the minute he meets you.

I'm not going to worry. I'm
just going to play it by ear.

Bob, uh, I'd like you...

To lead the conversation
a certain way.

What way, howard? My way.

I want your parents to
know certain things about me.

Well, they know I
love you. What else?

Well, I'd like them to
know that I'm dependable.

Got it, howard.
Tall and dependable.

And would you tell them
what a good navigator I am?

How would I know?

Well, I'm here, aren't i?

Twelve hours
ago, I was up in rio.

Howard, rio is down.

Uh, forget that I'm a navigator.

It's forgotten.

Will you tell me what your mom
made so I can "ooh" and "aah" over it.

Oh, sure. She made the
stuffing and the vegetables.

Ooh!

- The sweet potatoes
and the rolls.
- Aah!

The squash loaf and the pies.

Ooh! And emily made the turkey.

Aah! [emily chuckles]

[doorbell buzzes]
oh, how do I look?

Oh, tall and dependable.

Oh, hi. Hi, everybody.

That the spinach loaf?
Uh-huh. What's left of it.

The rest of it's all
over the inside of my car.

Oh, dear, creamed spinach doesn't
travel very well without a seat belt.

Well, we'll just get spoons
and go down to your car.

uh, you've got some
spinach on your blouse.


No, no. That's a pin
jerry made for me.

Wait a minute.

How come... How come
I'm sitting next to jerry?

Well, who do you want
to sit next to, howard?

Mrs. Hartley. Well,
all right. We'll do...

This there.

How's that? Why does jerry
get to sit next to mr. Hartley?

All right, howard. I'll put
mr. Hartley next to you.

And I'll put jerry next
to bob. How's that?

Fine. Are you happy now, howard?

Wait a minute.
Wait a minute. Just...

Put that down there. Over
here. There we go. There.

[doorbell buzzes]
hold it. Hold it.

Hi, bob. I'm
sorry. I'm-i'm late.

I had to go to four different
places to get four different chairs.

It's really hard to get
folding chairs on thanksgiving.

I had to wedge them into my sports
car. I got grease all over my shirt.

I had to go over
to change my shirt,

But I got all the chairs, I'm
here, so everything's okay.

Oh, we borrowed four of
howard's, jerry, but thanks anyway.

[phone ringing]

Hello? Oh, hi, mom.

H-how come you're late?

You're not late.

Y-you're not here.

- You're not coming.
- Oh, no!

Look, uh, mom, I really
know why you're not coming,

And I think it's silly.

A-and I don't believe
that dad is sick.

Well, I've never
heard of a trick wrist.

Look, if it makes any difference,
the harrisons aren't coming either.

His wrist just snapped
back into place.

Guess that's one of
the tricks it does, huh?

Yeah, w-we'll see
you for dessert.

Bob, my parents are
coming for dessert.

I know.

You think we could eat? 'Cause I'm
payin' for these chairs by the hour.

All right, everybody.
Let's just sit down.

[Chattering]

Here you are, ellen.
Honey, you're there. Carol...

Carol, you're here. Jerry, I
don't know where you are.

[Chattering continues]

Oh, howard,

You look so lonely down there.

Yeah, but, uh... But tall.

Why don't you tell us a
little about yourself, howard?

Uh, jerry, thanks for
bringing the chairs.

I'm sorry we didn't get
a chance to sit on them.

No problem, bob. They
only cost about bucks.

I'll pay for them.
Darn right you will.

Well, I'll be moving along
in my spinach-mobile now.

Thank you for coming, carol.
Oh, listen, emily, thank you.

Hey, that's the greatest
meal ever. You deserve a medal.

In fact, take mine. Oh, no, no.

I couldn't and I
wouldn't. And I mean it.

Well, okay. Good
night, everybody.

Good night, carol. Nice
seeing you again. Same here.

Bye-bye. Good night, dear.

Oh, emily, you sure
make a great pie.

It tastes just like your mother's.
[emily] bob's mother made it.

Oh? Well, it's good.

Well, the crust could
be a little more moist.

Junior, that's your third piece.
Well, I didn't have any dinner.

i mean, i, uh...

I didn't eat too much, what
with talking over old navy days.

I thought it was army.

Well, army, navy.
What's the difference?

We won, didn't we?

Well, look, g*ng,
I've, uh, gotta go.

- Where you off to, howard?
- Well, I'm flying, uh,

Up to alaska.

Come on, honey. I'll
walk you to the door.

- Good luck, you two.
- Well, we'll be okay.

We're just, uh,
going to the door.

[doorbell buzzes]

Mom! Dad! Mr. And mrs. Hartley!

Well, hello.

Well, look, I gotta go
now. I'm, uh, flying to alaska.

It's my job. It's not dangerous. I have a
good job, and I have a great retirement.

Once I caught a six-pound bass.

Good-bye.

Good-bye. Who was that?

- That was my fiancé.
- It's your life.

Come on in.

Herb, don't take off your coat.

We can't stay here. Well, I'm
staying. I'm gonna have a piece of pie.

You won't like it, herb.
The crust isn't moist.

Dad, the pie is perfect.

[Ellen] you might as
well come in, mom.

You tricked me, sonny.

Mom, when is it gonna be time
when you stop being so stubborn?

Herb, say something to your boy.

Where's my pie, boy?

I'll get it, pop.

Ellen, could I get some coffee
to wash down this pie crust?

You know, I thought I was on
vacation from third graders.

- Sorry.
- Look, can't you two
get along with each other?

Well, I don't know what
you're talking about.

I do. Martha, you're no fun.

I see. I suppose your idea
of fun is gate-crashing.

Thanks. Martha,

You have two wonderful kids.

I can't understand it.

Wh-why ruin a holiday
like thanksgiving...

With petty arguing?

Maybe I shouldn't bring
up his name at this time,

But I think it was sigmund
freud that once said...

What's in this coffee?

- Eggshells.
- You're kidding.

- Herb, let's go.
- Martha, sit down.

But, herb... Sit down.

Yes, dear. That's
tellin' her, herb.

Shut up, junior.

You know, I've been married
to this woman for years,

And I got to admit, she isn't
always easy to live with.

She's too organized. She's too
clean. She is inflexible sometimes.

But she's the only woman I know who can
clean a catfish and not break its spine.

She's a good mother, and all
in all, she's one hell of a woman.

I wish you wouldn't swear, herb.

Now, junior, I like you.
You're a real man's man.

Thanks, herb. But you're
overbearing and inconsiderate.

And aggie's got her
hands full with you.

Thanks, herb.

Now, junior, neither you
nor martha's gonna change,

So why don't you both look
at what you have in common?

You both love bob and emily.
You both want to be here.

So why don't you both shape up?

That's what freud
would've said with a...

Maybe with a viennese accent.

Well?

You know, uh, this crust
really isn't bad, martha.

Well, thanks, uh, junior.

Uh, it wasn't one
of my best crusts.

The best I ever had.

Thank you. Oh, and thanks
for bringing the turkey.

- Mine was too small.
- The only reason
it was too small...

Is because you didn't expect us.

We should've called ahead. Oh, I
don't know. Surprises are very nice.

Not when it ruins
someone's plans.

Oh, plans are
made to be changed.

I think I created a monster.

That's what happens when
amateurs dabble in psychology.

Why don't we all go over
to the table and sit down,

And bob can carve the bird.

Martha, I wanna sit next to
you. Oh, that would be lovely.

[Chattering]

This surely is a
mountain of turkey.

Dad, do you, uh... You
wanna do the honors?

Can't. Trick wrist.

Not too much for me, bob. I want to
save room for some of martha's pie.

Oh, how sweet of you, junior.

Boy, am I glad the
bickering's over.

Me too. Now, uh,

How about this fiancé of yours?

Well, pop, you only met him for a
minute, but he's really very nice.

Oh, and dependable.
And, uh, tall.

Well, he seemed
like a flake to me.

Oh, uh, carol, would
you call the florist...

And send a dozen
roses to emily's mother?

Gee, bob, that's really
thoughtful of you.

They're not from me. They're from
my father. It's kind of a peace offering.

He told her she was a darn
good-looking woman for a woman of .

- Well, she is.
- She's .

I'll order two dozen.

[Mews]
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