06x01 - Bob's Change of Life

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Bob Newhart Show". Aired: September 16, 1972 –; April 1, 1978.*
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Comedian Bob Newhart portrays a psychologist whose interactions with his wife, friends, patients, and colleagues lead to humorous situations and dialogue.
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06x01 - Bob's Change of Life

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Oh, Emily, it's still occupied.

Oh, no, the tenants
aren't completely out,

but the manager said we
could come in and look around.

Now listen, Bob. First
impressions are very important,

so what's the first thing

that you notice
about this apartment?

Fearless Fosdick.

Fearless Fosdick?

I haven't seen that
comic strip in years.

It used to break me up.

Bob, this is really important.




I mean, if we like it, this
could be our new home.

So, I mean, you really
have to look around.

I'm gonna check out the kitchen.

It seems like a real nice place.

This is the ugliest
thing I've ever seen.

What's the ugliest
thing you've ever seen?

This tie.

Yeah, you're right.
That's a pretty rough tie.

I'm George Simmons.
Just moving out.

Oh, Bob Hartley.
This is my wife, Emily.

Hello. - Hi.

You know, when you said "ugly," I
thought you were talking about my lamp.

Lamp?

No, no, I like that a
lot. Like it? I love it.




Great! It's yours.

Bob, I'm in love.

Yeah, I kinda like him myself.

No, honey, with the apartment.

I mean, it's absolutely perfect.

It's roomy, it's gorgeous.

Roomy? Gorgeous? Perfect?

I mean, is that all we
want in an apartment?

This is Goldy. You like him?

Oh, what a darling hamster.

Careful, Emily. That's
how we got the lamp.

Bob, isn't this a
beautiful view?

High up, isn't it?

Well, the top floor usually is.

Feel like I'm on the Hindenburg.

Really a wonderful apartment.

Yeah, we love it.

One of us loves it.

One of us isn't
giving it a chance.

Emily, it isn't
really the place.

I'm just not sure I want
to leave our apartment.

You know,

really loved this place,
but we had to move.

We just outgrew it.

Guess you can't bury too
many bones in one rug, huh?

Now, look, sweetheart.

We've been in our
old apartment so long.

I mean, I think we've done
everything we can do with it.

Emily, our apartment
was so... us.

This apartment could be us, too.

You know, you and me and Howard.

You're next, Wolf.

Uh, Emily, why don't we
come back another day?

He'll be done in a minute. Don't
you want to see the bedrooms?

Not today.

This is Wolf.

Uh, tell him we like dogs.

I'll be back in a
minute for the big guy.

You won't be long,
will you, George?

I absolutely adore
this apartment.

I mean, I really think
we should take it.

I mean, it won't be vacant long.

Why don't we make
it a little more vacant?

Gee, I hope he's in a good mood.

Give me one dollar, please.

I would've beaten you
easily, but I had to stop on five.

Excuses, excuses.

I'm not kidding you, Carol. I
know that my elevator is faster.

It's not the elevator,
Jerry. It's the driver.

Give me a break, will you?

Double or nothing says that the
next person off those elevators is Bob.

Sure, I can always use money.

Oh.

Hi, Bob. Good morning.
How are you? How's Emily?

How was the
elevator ride up here?

Sorry, Jer. Two bucks.

Okay, okay, look, I'm just
getting warmed up here.

I'm getting right
in the spirit of it.

Here. I got five dollars left

that says when Bob
gets off the elevator,

the first words out
of his mouth will be,

"Morning, Jerry. Morning,
Carol. Any messages?"

You expect me to make
a sucker bet like that

when that's what Bob
says every morning?

All right. I'm
such a good sport.

Thank you.

Schmoozer.

And a very good
Schmoozer to you, too, Bob.

What?

Well, I've been trying
to think all morning

of Fearless Fosdick's
assistant's name. It's Schmoozer.

What are you trying
to do to me, Bob?

Whatever happened to
"Good morning, Jerry"?

What happened to
"Good morning, Carol"?

What happened to "Any messages"?

What happened to all that stuff?

What happened to him?

Let me put it this way, Bob.

Another morning like
this, and I'll own him.

Oh, uh, Carol, you want
to come into my office?

I have a little surprise.

Finished my book.

Oh, Bob, that's great.

A lot of time, a lot of
work, a lot of sacrifice,

but... here it is.

This is such a big moment, you
know, we ought to have champagne.

And cake.

And dancing girls.

Sorry, Carol.

Oh, that's okay, Bob.

Listen, I'll get Jerry.
We'll celebrate.

Let's get the work done,
and then we'll celebrate.

Oh, the boring way.

Okay. What do we do?

Well, I have all
the chapters here.

We just get them in order
and then we mail them in.

Uh, this is the foreword,
and that's Chapter One.

Bob, this is so exciting.

Here's two, now where's three?

I mean, the book
will be reviewed.

People will come from
all over for your advice.

Here's three and four.

Oh, there'll be lots
of new patients.

I mean, you won't have
enough hours in the day.

Here's five.

You're gonna go on
tour to promote the book.

I mean, no more boring days
or weekends around the house.

You know, in a few short weeks,

your life will be
totally changed.

Let's see, that's five.

You wanna hand
me four and three?

- What are you doing?
- I just wanna take
a second look at it.

You wanna hand me Chapter Two?

Bob, don't you want to
get this book published?

Yeah, I just wanna
make sure it's right, Carol,

and it's not right.

An author knows these things.

Bob, do you know what you are?

Let me guess.

You, Bob, are a fuddy-duddy.

That wasn't gonna
be one of my guesses.

You never do anything
to upset the old apple cart.

I mean, you just want
things to remain the same.

That is just not true, Carol.

It's just that I don't like
anything to-to change.

Interesting distinction.

I mean, your whole life
is planned and organized.

I mean, your schedule,
your records. Your desk!

My desk?

Your life is a lot like
this desk, you know.

I mean, everything in its place.

See, look. You always keep
your pencils on this side of the desk

and your pens on this side.

Always, Bob.

So what?

So once, let me see
you change them.

Well, what's the point?

Oh, humor me.

- Oh! Very good, Bob.
- Thank you.

Now that is a step
in the right direction.

Why don't you just sit
down and finish up that book

and call me when you're ready?

Fuddy-duddy!

Yes, I need a giant
number seven pizza.

No, nothing to drink with that.

No, I don't want
spaghetti this evening.

I certainly don't want a waffle.

No, no salad.

I don't care if
it's Salad Night.

Look, I don't want
anything else.

No drinks, no bibs, no
hats, no mugs, nothing.

Thank you. Goodbye.

Oh, wait a minute.

Could you put
some onions on that?

No, I don't want anything
to drink with the onions.

I know it's Salad Night.

Bob. Honey, I already
ordered a pizza.

Oh, cancel that pizza. My
wife already ordered one.

Yeah. Hope they
don't forget the salad.

Are you kidding?
It's Salad Night.

Oh.

Hi, Bob. Got a match?

- Good one, Howard.
- Thanks.

Oh, boy, this is really
heavy. What's in it, anyway?

Towels.

Towels? Must be the
kind with the extra fluff.

Well, Bob, we're
almost finished packing.

Isn't it exciting?

You know, we've had some
wonderful times in this apartment.

Yeah, you remember
the Fourth of July party

when someone threw a
firecracker into the clam dip?

- No.
- No. Neither do I.

Well, maybe it was at, uh,

maybe it was at
my sister's place.

Maybe it was, uh, maybe it
was at the Christmas party.

Maybe it was a Halloween party.

Well, who cares. It's times
like that a guy can't forget.

Well, I'm gonna miss it here.

Aw, honey.

Look, I'll tell you
what we'll do.

When we get all
settled in the new place,

we'll invite the old
place over for cocktails.

I'm gonna make sure
I didn't forget anything.

Howard?

Yeah, Bob?

Would you call me a fuddy-duddy?

Okay, you're a fuddy-duddy.

No, Howard,

do you think I have trouble
dealing with changes?

I mean, you know, I have a lot of
changes going on in my life right now.

There are a lot of changes
going on in the world.

You know, cities
change, values change.

The whole universe is expanding.

You think that's bad. They've got a
new emcee on "Bowling For Bucks."

They keep going.

Take things in stride, Bob.

Go with the flow.
Go with the flow.

Go with the flow.

I'll get it. That
must be the pizza.

Honey?

Ah, thank you.

Oh, thank you. Keep the change.

Oh, boy, pizza,
pizza! Oh, boy. Oh...

No! To heel! Heel, Howard.

Well, here we are, gentlemen.
One number seven pizza.

Number seven! My favorite
pizza in the whole wide world!

That isn't number seven.
It's got anchovies on it.

They've got a new menu.

They have anchovies
on number seven now.

I hate anchovies.

They've changed
my favorite pizza.

Aaaah!

I can't breathe! Open a window.

I'm getting vapors.
I'm getting vapors.

I'm getting
hives! I'll sue Italy!

Aaahhh!

What is the matter with him?

Emily, you have just seen
a man go with the flow.

Good morning, Carol.

Hello. One moment,
please. Hello. I'll see if he's in.

Hello. Please hold.

Hello.

He's not in. May I
take a message?

Fine.

Good morning, Bob.

That's very impressive, Carol.

I once took seven calls while
typing a memo with my nails wet.

I saw a man do that
on "The Gong Show."

- Here's your mail.
- Oh.

Who's on line one?

Oh, my gosh. Got somebody
on hold and I forgot who it is.

Oh, well.

You just disconnect him?

It's for the best, Bob. He
wouldn't have lasted the night.

Come on, Bob. I've got something
really exciting to show you.

You're not gonna believe
this. It'll knock your socks off.

Why don't we go
in my office, Jerry?

Okay, Bob, you're
a psychologist.

Now, we're gonna play a
little word association here.

I'm gonna say a word,

and you're gonna say the first word
that comes to your mind. Ready?

- Dentist's office.
- Pain.

- Dentist's chair.
- Pain.

- Dentist's drill.
- Lots of pain.

Not anymore.

You see, people associate pain
with the sound of the dentist's drill.

Remember that?

These radio earphones
eliminate the sound.

No more sound, no more pain.

Aaahh!

Volume's too high. There.

Someone strangling a cat?

Oh, no, it's just Bob.
He's having a good time.

Of course. I'm always
getting having a good time

mixed up with cat strangling.

Oh, by the way, Bob?

Bob.

Bob, I remembered who I cut
off before. It was your father,

and I have him back on line two.

Now what do you say
when I say "dental office"?

Musical pain.

Hello.

Oh, hi, Dad.

Can I come over this
afternoon? Is something wrong?

You're selling the house.

What did Mom
have to say about it?

Didn't know Mom
knew words like that.

You want me to come over
and try to make her feel better.

All right. I'll try to
stop by this afternoon.

And see you later. Bye, Dad.

That about does it.

What?

That about does it.

Something wrong, Bob?

"Something wrong," Jerry?

Emily and I are taking
a new apartment,

I'm publishing my new book,

and now my folks
are selling their home.

Yeah, so?

Well, individually it may
not seem like much, Jerry,

but all at once, it's
a little too much.

Yeah, so?

"Yeah, so," Jerry? It isn't
that easy for me to take.

Come on, Bob. You're
moving into a better apartment,

you've written a book that's
gonna bring you lots of recognition,

and your parents are unloading
a house they no longer need.

I mean, what's the
matter with that?

You take a lot of the joy
out of complaining, Jerry.

Come on, Bob. Get with it.

I mean, change
occurs all the time here.

Just last month, I went back to
the orphanage where I grew up.

Everything had changed.

The teachers had changed,
the rooms have changed.

Even the kids have changed.

Well, Jerry, you didn't expect to
see the same kids there, did you?

No. I'm talking about a
whole new generation.

When I was there, we used
to go into the boys' bathroom,

smoke a lot of cigarettes,
and laugh at dirty jokes.

Today, they go in there,

pass around one cigarette
and laugh at the paint.

Who says you can't
go home again?

Thomas Wolfe.

Right.

You know, I can't
believe it, Mom.

You kept this room exactly the
way it was the day I left for college.

You probably think I'm very
sentimental to keep it this way

but your youth was a happy
time for all of us, sonny.

I know.

You know, it's amazing.

My old photographs,
my old awards.

My old dresser.

It's like a personal museum.

You know, Mom, I have
a confession to make.

I used to hide French postcards
in here under my sweaters.

No, dear. You hid
them in this drawer.

Under your socks.

Oh, that's right.

I never could understand why you got
a kick out of looking at the Eiffel Tower.

That was just the top card.

Oh, and my Hopalong
Cassidy bedspread.

Look, there's Topper.

There's Windy.

Mom, this may sound silly, but

would you mind if I laid down
on my bed for just a minute?

Oh, go ahead, sonny.
You're a grown man now.

You don't have to ask
your mother's permission

to do things anymore.

Keep your shoes off the spread.

Right, Mom.

You know, I may
be sentimental, too,

but I'm glad you
kept the room like this.

This room is your room.

It always has been,

and I promise you
it always will be.

At least until that
father of yours

sells this house
out from under us.

See, Mom, that's one of the
reasons I came over today.

Oh, I knew I could
count on you, sonny.

Now, I want you to sit
down with your father

and very reasonably
and carefully

talk some sense into him.

If it doesn't work, lean on him.

I heard that on "Kojak."

See, in driving over, Mom,
I had a lot of time to think.

I decided that
maybe Dad's right.

He got to you, didn't he, sonny?

Mom, I mean, the
property taxes are so high,

and the two of you don't
need this big a house.

Yes, I know, I know. Your
dad's told me all that before,

but I think it's a crock.

Yeah, Dad mentioned
you said that

in so many words.

Mom, I really think you ought
to at least talk it over with him.

He says the subject is closed!

He says I'm an old fuddy-duddy.

Well, I can
sympathize with that.

I've been called a fuddy-duddy
ten times in the last couple days.

But in your case it's true!

Eleven.

Oh, sonny,

why can't things
remain the same?

Mom, I know just how you feel,

but I think I ought to tell you
what everybody's been telling me

all week long.
Everything changes.

Let's be happy that
they're good changes.

I thought you were
on my side, sonny.

You grew up in this house.

Your whole childhood
is in this room.

Oh, look. Look at
your old letter sweater.

Doesn't that bring
back a lot of memories?

Two years of varsity basketball.

You had a wonderful team
in your senior year, sonny.

You learned the
thrill of victory

and the agony of defeat.

It wasn't so wonderful, Mom.

We had two thrills
and 20 agonies.

Well, that's only because they didn't
play you more. You were so good.

Oh, you remember
the time you won

that grand and stunning trophy?

"Bob Hartley, Most
Improved Player."

Your father and I were so proud.

Well, the only reason I got it
was I went to practice every day.

The really important award
was Most Valuable Player.

Jack Fletcher got that.

It should have gone to you. You
were a scrappy little play-maker.

Jack Fletcher.

You know, he was my
best friend in high school.

I always kinda lived
in Jack's shadow.

He was president of the senior
class. I was vice-president.

He was voted Most
Likely to Succeed.

I was voted Most Organized.

And then there was
the day you graduated,

and you gave that lovely speech.

You know, I still remember it.

"And now, fellow classmates...

here's Jack."

Hartley! Hartley! Yay!

Hartley, yay!

Who goes there?

It's me, Howard.

It can't be. I'm Howard.

It's me. Bob.

Oh, hi, Bob. Emily
asked me to bring this up.

Howard, don't trip.

Don't trip over
anything. Right this way.

Thanks, Bob.

Boy, you'd have
made a great usher.

Think I picked the wrong
profession, Howard?

No, maybe it's better you
became a psychologist.

You don't have to worry about
getting gum on your shoes.

Hi, Bob.

Hi, Howard.

Why are you guys
sitting in the dark?

When did they turn
the electricity on?

They never turned it off.

Bob...

Why are you wearing
that silly sweater?

Emily, this sweater
may be silly to you...

It's silly to me, too, Bob.

It's my high school
letter sweater.

I picked it up at my parents' house
today, along with a couple other things.

Oh, is your mother feeling
better about selling the house?

Yeah.

As a matter of fact, I'm feeling
a little better about our move.

This may sound
weird to you, Emily...

It sounds weird to me, too, Bob.

And to you, Howard,

but in talking to my
mother, I realized

what's important is
the people around you.

Oh, Bob.

It takes a long time for you
to get there, but when you do,

it's really worth it.

Wow, that was beautiful.

What are you talking about?

Howard, look at it this way.

The number seven
pizza has anchovies on it,

but it's still the same
pizza underneath.

Wise beyond your years, Bob.

Thank you, Howard.

Hey, this calls
for a celebration.

I've got a bottle of champagne.

Why don't I go next
door and get it, okay?

Hey, great. I'll
unwrap the glasses.

Oh, Howard, you
don't live across the...

Get out of here, you weirdo!

I don't live across the hall
from you guys anymore,

but Alice and Bernie
seem like a nice couple.

How do you know their names?

Monogrammed pajamas.
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