06x04 - Who Was That Masked Man?

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Bob Newhart Show". Aired: September 16, 1972 –; April 1, 1978.*
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Comedian Bob Newhart portrays a psychologist whose interactions with his wife, friends, patients, and colleagues lead to humorous situations and dialogue.
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06x04 - Who Was That Masked Man?

Post by bunniefuu »

Man on TV: To
be... or not to be:

That is the question.

I think this is the best
"Hamlet" we've ever seen.

Man: Whoo, boy! This
one's left the water on!

But don't you worry.

We're gonna be right
back with the swordfight.

Just in case you are dozing off,

I've got something
here to wake you up.

12 acres of used cars down
here at Crazy Ed's Used Car City!

Why do they call me Crazy Ed?

Who wants to fight for that
'71 Palara? Whoo, doggies!




Are we gonna put
up with Crazy Ed?

That is the question.

And this is the answer.

Well, I guess it's just as well.

We gotta get up early
tomorrow, you know.

That's the trouble
with weekends.

No matter how terrific they are,

they always end on
Mondays morning.

You know, this has been
one of the best, though.

I'm really glad about what we've
been able to accomplish this weekend.

We didn't accomplish anything.

Exactly.

Well, it was fun
while it lasted,

but we've got a busy
week ahead of us.




And you've got to decide
what you're gonna wear

to that costume
party tomorrow night.

Oh, Emily, are we really going
to that stupid costume party?

That "stupid costume party"
is for your favorite charity,

and we are committed.

We should be committed for
agreeing to go to the costume party.

I got to pick up the
costumes tomorrow.

Now, what do you want to go as?

The Invisible Man.

Honey, you gotta go as
as a man you most admire.

That would be Abraham Lincoln.

What's so funny?

Oh, I'm sorry, Bob.

It's just that Abraham
Lincoln was so tall.

Well, I'll go as young Lincoln.

I thought Howard
was out of town.

That's not Howard.
How do you know that?

When was the last
time Howard knocked?

Good point.

Uh, who is it?

A man outside just pooped.

Mr. Peterson.

Oh, Dr. Hartley, I'm
glad I caught you home.

Oh, hello, Mrs. Hartley.

I'm sorry to bother
you at this hour,

but something
terrible has happened.

No, it's no bother.

Sit down. Thank you.

Listen, I'll leave you
two gentlemen alone.

I'm gonna go see what's
happening with Crazy Ed.

Oh. I didn't know you had
another patient, Dr. Hartley.

No, she's talking about
a guy on television.

Oh. You have a
lovely wife. Thank you.

I had a wife once.

You and Doris are
having problems?

You bet.

We said some things to each other
that can never be forgotten of forgiven.

Like what?

She called me a "spineless,
gutless, wishy-washy pansy face."

That's pretty rough.
What did you say to her?

I said, "Am not! Am not!"

Who... who can blame you?

But you and Doris
have had fights before.

This time, Doris said I'm a
failure as a husband and as a man.

She said a real man would
be more forceful and assertive.

She didn't consider
"Am not! Am not!"

assertive?

She might have if
I said it to her face.

Excuse me, Mr. Peterson.

If that's Doris, duck!

Who is it?

Why don't you open
the door and find out?

Oh, Dr. Hartley, I
gotta talk to you.

About what?

I've been having a
hard time sleeping.

How can I help?

Just talk to me a little while.

If that doesn't put me
to sleep, nothing will.

I'm afraid Mr. Peterson
is here ahead of you.

Peterson?

You got a lot of nerve bothering
Hartley this hour of the night.

What's eating you? Life.

The last thing that went
right for me was World w*r II.

Fine. If another w*r breaks
out, we'll call you. Now b*at it.

Mr. Carlin, Mr. Peterson was
describing his marital difficulties.

Yeah. Doris threw
me out of the house.

Old "Doris of the
Apes" strikes again.

That's just like you, Carlin!

Kick a guy when he's down!

Down? You should be
the happiest man alive.

How can you say that?
You've never even seen Doris.

I've seen her fist
marks in your face.

Mr. Carlin, I can handle this.

Now listen, Peterson, you gotta
face it: Your marriage is the worst.

Well, we have had
our hills and valleys.

When's the last
time you saw a hill?

1962.

Now doesn't that
tell you something?

If you go back to that old bag,
your troubles will never end.

Uh, Mr. Carlin, I think your
approach is way off base.

No, he's right.

That woman has pushed
me around for 15 years.

Yeah, you should enjoy yourself.

Now's your chance to be
something besides a wimp.

Yeah. Thanks, Carlin, I will.

For once in my life,
I'll do what I want.

I won't listen to anyone.

I'll make my own decisions.

Is that okay with
you, Dr. Hartley?

Don't listen to him. Come on
out. We'll go have a couple drinks.

Yeah! Let's do it!
Let's go raise old med!

I'll buy the drinks.

Yeah. I feel like doing
something really wild tonight.

I might loosen my tie.

Thanks, Dr. Hartley.
You helped me a lot.

That's what
psychologists are for.

Well, I think we've waited long
enough for Mr. Carlin and Mr. Peterson.

Uh, why don't we begin
the session without them?

Would you like to be first?

No.

Yes, Carol?

Carol: Bob, you
there? Open your door.

Why, Carol?

Just do it.

Boo! Boo!

Both: Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo!

We've been out all night
celebrating, Dr. Hartley.

Oh, they're such saps.

Let's sit down, buddy.
I'm with you, buddy.

We did some real

Marine leatherneck
drinking, Dr. Hartley.

One strawberry
daiquiri after another.

Ya-hoo! Ya-hoo!

I haven't had so much
fun since Iwo Jima.

Both: From the
halls of Montezuma

To the shores of
Tripoli Ya-ha! Ya-hoo!

Mrs. Bakerman, I'd like
to apologize for these two.

Uh, I think we'll schedule
the session for later.

I'd like to speak to Mr. Carlin
and Mr. Peterson in private.

All right, Dr. Hartley.

You know, you two are very cute,

and I'm glad that
you're having fun.

But next time you
want to tie one on,

do it on your own time.

Dr. Hartley, I'd like
to make a statement.

What is it, Mr. Peterson?

The greatest men whoever lived

were Alexander
the Great, Napoleon,

and my buddy Elliot
Carlin. Thank you.

I guess you know
you've ruined this session.

Yes, Carol?

Mrs. Peterson is
on line two, Bob.

She wants to know
if her wimp is here.

Doris!

Uh, bring in lots
of black coffee.

Hello?

Yes... yes, Mrs. Peterson.

Well, I've... I've heard
a lot about you, too.

Yes... yes. He's right
here. I'll put him on.

It's your wife. Tell
her I'm not here!

I'm sure she just heard you.

Tell her I'm somebody
who sounds like me!

Mr. Peterson, nobody
sounds like you.

Will you answer it, Emil!

This is a time to make your
stance, stick to your g*ns.

This isn't the O.K.
Corral, Mr. Carlin.

Hello? Doris?

Will you lower your voice, Emil?

Hello? Doris?

Oh. That's nice.

She wants me to come home.

She says she forgives me.

That's good. It's a start.

Now wait a minute. She
kicked you out of the house.

Tell her you'll come home
when you're good and ready.

Oh, I don't know, Elliot.

From the halls of Montezu...

Doris, I'll be home
when I'm good and ready!

There's only so much
a man can stand.

There's only so much
a man can stand!

And I stood as
much as I'm going to.

And I stood as
much as I'm going to!

Mr. Peterson, stop and
think about what you're doing.

Mr. Peterson, stop and
think about what you're doing.

Say good-bye. Good-bye!

Now hang up.

Well, how did it feel
to be your own man?

Great! Great!

Well, there's no point
in our talking today.

Why don't you go home,
Mr. Peterson, and sleep it off,

and I'll see you
tomorrow... alone.

I don't have a home to go to.

Yes, you do, Emil.

How's that, Elliot?

As long as I have
a roof over my head

and expensive
carpet under my feet,

you, too, shall
have a home, Emil.

Gentlemen, I hate to
interject a sour note,

but I hasten to remind you

that for the past 7 years
you've hated each other's guts.

Yeah, I used to think
Emil was a total wimp.

And I used to think he
was a horse's patoot.

Both: From the
halls of Montezuma

To the shores of Tripoli

Why do I have this
sudden urge to throw rice?

Mrs. Bakerman, I
want to thank you

for coming in on
your lunch hour.

I'm sure we won't be
interrupted this time.

You, uh, want to begin?

No.

Well, I'm, uh, glad to see you
haven't lost your momentum.

Here you go, Bob. Now you
had a tuna with lettuce and tomato

on whole wheat,
hold the mayo, right?

That's right.

Well, I'm afraid they
got the orders mixed up.

You have the organic sandwich.

What's uh... what's on it?

Alfalfa sprouts, spinach,

sunflower seeds, and kelp.

I better not. I think Emily's
having kelp for dinner tonight.

Would you mind if I
took it home, then?

Sure. Why?

Well, I wanna have some around

in case the Cousteau's
drop by for dinner.

Mrs. Bakerman, are you sure
you wouldn't like something?

I didn't come here to
eat. I came here to talk.

Uh, yes, Carol?

Carol: Bob, Doris
Peterson is here.

Tell her I'm... I'm with
a patient. I'll be out in...

Mrs. Bakerman: Oh!

Are you Hartley?

I bet you're Doris.

I didn't mean to barge in,

but I didn't want to give
my runt of a husband

a chance to slip
out the back way.

Well, there is...
There is no back way,

and I haven't seen
your runt... your husband

for the last couple hours.

Well, I have to find him.

Who's the knitter?

Hello.

Mrs. Peterson, this
is Mrs. Bakerman.

How do you do?

Are you Mr. Peterson's wife?

That's right. I've
heard about you.

You don't look like a moose.

Well, now that we've
exchanged cordialities,

Mrs. Bakerman, maybe we
better reschedule the meeting

for later this week.

Very well, Doctor.

I hope you find
your dear husband.

If not, get a cat.

Well, would you like to
sit down, Mrs. Peterson?

I'm too upset to sit down!

That runt stood up to me today,

and he was here when he did it!

Did you put him up to it?

It wasn't... it wasn't me.

He never had the nerve to
talk to me like that before.

Well, I think I should
tell you, Mrs. Peterson,

he... he was a little... a
little drunk at the time.

It don't take much
to make him drunk!

Ever time he has a
piece of rum cake,

he calls me and Napoleon
the greatest men who ever lived!

Well, I'm sorry for what
happened, but, uh...

I was under the impression

that you wanted him
to be more assertive.

Well, I thought I did.

I thought we'd have
a better marriage

if he wasn't quivering
in his boots all the time.

A man supposed to
be the boss, isn't he?

Well, you're just gonna have to
accept Mr. Peterson the way he is.

Well, maybe trying
to turn Emil into a man

wasn't such a hot idea.

How do I get the
little guy back?

Well, why don't you
let me talk to him.

I've been his psychologist
for a long time.

We have a very close,
personal relationship.

Mm-hmm.

Excuse me, Bob. I
have a message for you.

Mr. Peterson just called,

and he dropped you
as his psychologist.

And that's...
that's all he said?

He did add one personal note.

What was it?

He was never one
for long good-byes.

There's my buddy!

Oh, hi, Dr. Hartley. Didn't
you get my message?

Uh, yes. Yes, I
did, Mr. Peterson.

That's sort of why I'm here.

Well, I see I have
the right apartment.

Mm.

Isn't the picture great?

Wherever you stand in the
room, Elliot's eyes follow you.

I've... I've had that feeling
ever since I first met him.

Uh, Mr. Peterson,
you have the right

to discontinue therapy
whenever you want.

I just think that you owe me

a better explanation
than the one I got.

Oh, I'm cured.

I left my neurosis behind
me when I got rid of Doris.

Well, I'm... I'm
very happy for you.

What I needed all
along was a friend.

Now I've got... I
think I should tell you.

I've uh... I've
talked to your wife,

and I think it might be a good
idea if you talked to her also.

Elliot says I don't need her.

Elliot says I'd be
better off without her.

Elliot says I'll be
happier a single man.

What... what do you say?

I'll ask Elliot.

Where, uh...
where is Mr. Carlin?

Oh, he's catching 40 winks.

You know he was up
all night consoling me?

How that man loves me.

Well, if this is
the way you feel,

I certainly respect
your decision.

I just wanted you to know if you
ever need me, I'll be available.

Well, thank you, Dr. Hartley.
We'll keep in touch.

Oh! If ever I run across anybody
who's life is poop, I'll send them over.

I want you to know that
you really did help me.

Well, I... I tried.

What the hell are
you doing here?

Oh, Elliot, you're
such a kidder.

Living with you is
really gonna be fun.

Will you hold it down, Peterson?

I got such a bad
headache, my hair hurts...

and this isn't even my hair.

Oh, I'm sorry about that, buddy.

Now, where do you
want me to put my things?

Ecuador.

One after another. Ha ha.

What are you doing
in my apartment?

Oh, what you need, Elliot, is
something in your stomach.

I'll whip us up some
chipped beef on toast.

You have any lard?

If you come anywhere
near me with food,

you're gonna be wearing it.

Always the gag with you.

Just like last night.

From the halls of
Montezuma Oh, my God.

It's starting to come
back to me now.

I was hoping I dreamt all that.

Oh, it was no dream,
Elliot. You saved my life.

I'll be in your debt forever.

How about if you just clear
out now and we'll call it even?

But, Elliot, you said I
could stay here with you.

People say things
when they're bombed

that they're sorry about later.

Now wait a minute. I
left my wife and my home.

I fired my physiologist.

All because I thought
you were my friend.

Everybody has bad days.

Look, Carlin, if you want me to
leave, just come out and say so.

Leave!

Okay, I can take a hint.

Gee, it was swell
while it lasted.

Speak for yourself.

Wait a minute, Peterson.

Yeah?

I can't let you leave like this.

That's the friend I know.

You owe me 4 hours rent.

Leave the money on the table.

Hello? Emily?

Hi, honey!

Ta-da!

Emily, I, uh... I haven't
had that hard a day.

Oh!

This is my Florence
Nightingale costume, honey?

Huh? Do I look like her?

Well, I don't know what
Florence Nightingale looked like,

but if she looked like
that, she was very pretty.

Aw. Thank you, sweetheart.

By the way, Mr. Peterson called.

Oh. How's he doing? Not well.

I'm surprised to hear
that. I just saw him.

Well, uh, he and
Mr. Carlin had a tiff.

You mean Starsky and
Hutch aren't getting along?

Mr. Peterson is
very upset by it, Bob.

I better call him.

No, no. He wasn't
sure where he'd be,

so I gave him our
number at the party

in case he wants
to reach you later.

I, uh... I guess we're still
going to the costume party.

No. No, I'm just
dressed like this

because we have a sick plant.

Did you, um... Did you
get my Lincoln outfit.

Oh, well, uh, about that, honey.

You see, now, I
went all over town,

and they're all out
of Lincoln outfits.

Oh, good. We don't have to go.

Bob. Bob, you have to go.

I'll wear a suit.

You have to wear a costume.

I don't have a costume.

Well, see, I got you
a substitute costume.

There is no substitute
for Abraham Lincoln.

Now, Bob, this man
was a lot like Lincoln.

I mean, he lived
at the same time,

he wore black, and he
helped the oppressed.

Who is it? Zorro.

You're kidding.

Bob, it was the last
costume they had in the store.

Emily, I'm not going out
in public dressed as Zorro.

Afraid it'll blow your cover?

This is not a joke.

Now, Bob, people are suspicious.

You know, they have never seen you
and Zorro together at the same time.

Emily, I'll look ridiculous.

Honey, it's just
a charity party,

and it's a very worthy cause.

All right.

I'll go.

I'll sneak downstairs
so nobody sees me.

Well, you can just
whistle for the car

and leap to it
out of the window.

Well, how do I look?

Howard, where did you
get that Lincoln outfit?

Miami.

Well, you look just,
uh, wonderful, Howard.

But you know it's, uh...

it's just not... It's not you.

Of course it's not
me, it's Lincoln.

That's why it's a costume party.

How would you like to trade
your Lincoln for a Zorro?

I've never driven a Zorro.

Hey, look, Peterson,
we can still be buddies.

I promise, if you
come in off the ledge,

I'll never make any more
jokes about your wife Godzilla.

Leave me alone, Carlin!

When I came back
for my suitcase,

you said get out of your
apartment as fast as I could.

That's why I'm doing.

I'm gonna go out there. Oh, no!

If anybody comes out
here, I'll do something crazy.

What do you think you're
doing right now, Peterson?

Is there anybody we can call?

I phoned his psychologist.
He's on the way.

Oh, good. 'Cause all I can say to
him are a bunch of tired old clichés.

That's all his psychologist
can say to him.

Bob: Excuse me. I'm Dr. Hartley.

I'm Mr. Peterson's psychologist.

You're a psychologist? Do
you have some identification?

Bob: Do you see a spot
for a wallet in this outfit?

That's him, Officer.

Hartley, you better
get out there fast.

Bob: Out... out there?

You're in luck, Peterson.

There's somebody
here to help you.

Out of the night

When the full moon is bright

Please, Mr. Carlin.

Dr. Hartley! Why are
you dressed like that?

They were out of
Lincoln costumes.

Look, Mr. Peterson,
what's important

is that you come
in off this ledge.

This is no solution
to your problems.

There is no solution
to my problems!

I don't have a wife! I
don't have a best friend!

And I don't have a psychologist!

I'm your psychologist,
and I'm here.

You better make
it quick, Hartley,

your stallion is double parked.

Let me handle this,
Mr. Carlin, all right?

Oh, yeah, I forgot.

Zorro likes to work alone.

Look, Mr. Peterson,
let's get off this ledge.

Why should I, Dr. Harley?

I don't have a friend
in the the world!

I... I'm your friend.

No, Dr. Hartley,
you're my psychologist.

A friend is someone who invites
you out for a beer now and then.

Wanna have a beer?

Not with you dressed like that.

Look at what you're doing,
Mr. Peterson, you're laughing.

Now let's go inside
and talk this over.

No, Dr. Hartley, I'm laughing on the
outside, but I'm crying on the inside.

Nobody cares for me!

That's not true, Mr. Peterson.

I mean, a lot of
people care for you.

Look at those people down there.

They don't even know you and
they're asking you not to jump.

No, they want me to jump!

You're both wrong.
They want Zorro to jump.

Where is he? Where's my husband?

Doris!

Be, uh... Be
careful on this ledge.

Yeah, it's only
made out of concrete.

Emil, what are you doing
standing on this ledge

next to a man dressed
as the Cisco Kid?

Zorro.

I'm at the end of
my rope, Doris.

I can't live with you. I
can't live without you.

There's only one answer left.

Oh, Emil, don't do
this! I want you back!

Oh! I do. Really, I do.

I'd be miserable without you.

I was wrong to throw you out.

Well, Doris, you're right.

I am a spineless pansy face.

Oh, no man is perfect!

Doris, a man is supposed
to be master of his house,

not a doormat for his wife.

Yeah, but... Hartley,
are you gonna help me

or are you just out
here for a stroll?

Mr. Peterson, were you happy
as a pansy face, a doormat?

I was.

And, Mrs. Peterson, were you happy
having him as a doormat, a pansy face?

I was.

I know pronounce
you doormat and wife.

Why don't you just forget about
what marriages are supposed to be?

I mean, the important thing is
that... that they work and you're happy.

Masked man make sense.

Doris, Dr. Hartley's right.

As long as we're happy,
that's all that matters.

Oh. Emil.

Pardon me.

Emil. Mmwah.

Let's go home and make up,

if you know what I mean.

Peterson, jump while
you got the chance.

Mr. Carlin, haven't you caused
enough trouble for one day?

All right, if this is settled,

let's go inside where
we can't be seen.

After you, sweetheart.

No, no, honey, you first.

Nice outfit.
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