06x08 - You're Fired, Mr. Chips

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Bob Newhart Show". Aired: September 16, 1972 –; April 1, 1978.*
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Comedian Bob Newhart portrays a psychologist whose interactions with his wife, friends, patients, and colleagues lead to humorous situations and dialogue.
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06x08 - You're Fired, Mr. Chips

Post by bunniefuu »

Dr. Thompson, I must say,
your resume is very impressive.

Well, thank you, Dr. Hartley.

I'm definitely interested
in being your assistant.

Well, I've asked you
a lot of questions.

I'm sure you must have some
questions you'd like to ask.

Well, yes, there's just one.

Uh... uh, where's your shower?

My shower.

Yes, I take a shower
every 15 minutes.

Do you?

You see, millions of
bacteria are crawling

all over your skin
right now, you see.

If you don't clean them off,
others of their kind move in.

Well, how, uh...

How the time does fly.

What time is it?

It's 11:45.

Uh... is there anywhere
I can wash up?

Yes, there's a men's
room right down the hall.

Which way is that?

Uh, there's also a very nice

fountain in front
of the building.

A fountain?

That would be much
better. Yes, a fountain. Yes.

That will help cleanse me
of all the scum and the dirt.

Well, how was he?

I wouldn't take
him as a patient.

The reject pile's getting
pretty tall there, Bob.

Aren't you being awfully picky?

Jerry, I just can't
hire anybody.

I have to find a man who'll spend
an hour a day with Mr. Carlin.

You need a guy with
a chair and a whip.

You know, I just can't believe

the weird applicants
I'm getting for this job.

I mean, you'd think that
psychologists would be more normal.

Not based on my experience.

Well, sure, Bob, there have
been some bizarros, but look.

A Dr. Ellis is coming
in in a few minutes.

Now, give him a chance, okay?

Of course I'll give
him a chance, Carol.

I'm not looking for Mr. Perfect.

Good one, Harry.

Listen, guys. I'll catch up
with you at the Planetarium.

Take it easy.

Excuse me.

I'm Dr. Ellis. Is
Dr. Hartley here?

Uh, Hart-Hartley. Hartley.

I believe he's washing himself

in the fountain.

Him? Oh.

Looked like a good man to me.

Too crowded.

I'll wait for the next one.

Well, we're getting closer.

Oh, sorry, Bob.

They installed the new
alarm system today.

I feel like I should be
handcuffed to Sidney Poitier.

Do you have anything
more alarm-ish?

Let's see. Can I interest
you in something in a siren?

I think I like the dogs better.

Ah, well, maybe
this will turn you on.

Okay, we know you're in there.

We got the place surrounded.

This is Father Muldoon.
Give yourself up, lad.

You're breakin'
your mother's heart.

See, now that'll be great
if Jimmy Cagney breaks in.

I love it, Emily. Can't
wait to be burgled.

What's that?

The new alarm system.

Oh. Is it housebroken?

I didn't ask.

Can we do something
for you, Howard?

I wondered if I could borrow some
flour and some sugar and some chocolate.

Howard, when did
you learn to bake?

Well, I didn't.

I thought maybe you'd give me
that stuff in the form of a brownie.

Howard, I'm not gonna make dessert.
I haven't even started dinner yet.

Good. I haven't
eaten yet either.

Hello.

Oh. Dr. Dreeben.

It's nice to hear from you.

It has been a long time.

We'd love to get
together with you.

Uh, sometime this week.

In four minutes.

Yeah, that would be
sometime this week.

Why don't you come on up?

He called from the lobby.

Gee, I wish I had some notice.

Yeah, the nerve of that
guy, barging in on us like that.

Who is he?

Oh, he's a teacher. He was
my professor at the university.

He was my favorite.

Yeah, after you
got out of his class.

Yeah, he really
made us work hard.

I had a great teacher.

Taught me everything I know.

Navigator Wilson. We
called him "The Pigeon."

Oh, is that because he
could always find his way?

No, because he did a
great imitation of a pigeon.

When he cooed, people
covered their heads.

He must be 90 by now.

- Is he still teaching?
- No, but he's still flying.

That's great for a man his age.

Yeah, he took off in
a Piper Cub in 1958.

He's still up there.

Howard, that's a long time
for a plane to stay in the air.

Ah, I know what you're thinking,
Bob, but you're wrong. He's not lost.

Just late.

You don't suppose...
I doubt it, Howard.

Well, Professor
Dreeben, how are you?

Fine, Robert. How are you?

Good to see you. You
remember my wife, Emily?

Of course. Emily, how
are you? Beautiful as ever.

Aw, thank you. And
you're as charming as ever.

- I'm Howard Borden.
- How do you do?

Can you imitate a pigeon?

Howard, isn't that
your phone ringing?

I don't hear it.

Well, then, how would you know?

Good point.

Huh. Good-bye, Professor.

I'm coming!

I don't want to spout technical
terms, but Howard there seems

one brick short of a load.

Why don't you sit
down, Professor?

I'll get some coffee.

Nice to see you again, Robert.

Why don't you sit down?

Oh. Thank you.

So, what's new?

Nothing. I hear you
need an assistant.

You never were one
for small talk, were you?

The university placement service
said you were looking for someone,

and I thought maybe I might be
able to help you find someone.

Well, that's very thoughtful of
you. Who did you have in mind?

Whom.

- Whom.
- Me.

- You?
- That's right.

You'd give up teaching?

Teaching gave me up.

I was forced to retire
about a year ago.

Very much against my wishes.

I'm sorry to hear that.

I can't imagine you
away from a university.

Well, I drop around
every once in a while

to say hello to old
friends, visit the library,

check out the co-eds.

They stopped me teaching,
but they can't stop me dreaming.

Aw, well, I think it's ridiculous to
make somebody retire because of age.

I mean, age is
nothing but a number.

It's easy for a young
person like you to say that.

I mean, you couldn't
be more than...

How old are you, Emily?

Who, me?

In Emily's case, the
number is unlisted.

Age is not what
makes a person old.

It's when you have nothing to do

that your bones start to creak.

When I was forced out, I started
looking for something, and this is it.

Don't you agree, Robert?

Well, I-I-I'd be honored
to have you work with me.

Excellent choice, Robert.

Oh, this is wonderful! You two
are just gonna be terrific together!

Well, I missed the phone call. Let me
know when it rings again, okay, Bob?

Make that two
bricks short of a load.

Carol, I need some help
with a professional problem.

The ones in the back are molars.

No, Carol, I'm serious.

I have to decide which of these Kiddie
Klassics to put in my waiting room.

Well, what are the books about?

Well, they're about
Eddie the Electric Razor,

uh, Larry the Lawnmower,

and Bruce the Hair Dryer.

Don't they have any books
about ducks, bunnies and piggies?

Carol, kids are raised
on the streets of Chicago.

When they hear the
word "duck," they do.

What do they call those
things floating on the lake?

Beer cans.

Good morning. I'm
Dr. Alan Dreeben.

Oh, how do you do?
I'm Carol Bondurant.

- This is Dr. Jerry Robinson.
- How do you do?

So, your Bob's old professor.

I don't mean "old." You
know, you're not old.

You're, uh... Well, you're old.

No-no.

What I mean was, you
taught Bob way back then.

Well, not way back,
but, you know, back.

I gotta run.

Jerry's a dentist, Dr. Dreeben.

He fixes people's mouths. Too
bad he can't do a thing with his own.

Is, uh, Robert here?

Yes. He said to go
right in when you arrived.

- Good morning, Dr. Dreeben.
- Good morning, Robert.

I'd like to introduce
you to my group.

This is Dr. Alan Dreeben.
He will be my new associate.

"New"? Looks more
like a retread to me.

This is Elliot Carlin,
Emil Peterson,

and this is Mrs. Berle Bakerman.

Don't let the "Mrs."
fool you. I'm a widow.

- Oh, I'm sorry.
- I was, too.

Until now.

Pleased to meet you.

Thank you. My
hearing's excellent.

Hey, that's great. It's nice
having a professor here.

I always liked my teachers.

Kissy.

Well, shall we
get started again?

Professor, you
want to take a seat?

We got to talk in
front of Methuselah?

Mr. Carlin!

As a matter of fact,

Dr. Dreeben will be handling my
sessions next week while I'm out of town.

What a handsome
sport jacket, Professor.

I used to knit my late husband

sweaters with
patches on the elbows.

Why don't you put a patch
on your mouth, Bakerman?

We were talking
about my problem.

Continue, Mr. Carlin.

Yes, please continue.

Thanks, Pops.

Well, this girl I've been going with. I
think she's interested in another man.

Why do you say that?

She married him.

Well, just because a
woman loves another man,

that doesn't mean she
still doesn't like you.

Although it is a
definite possibility.

Good point, Robert.

Which brings to mind
Osgood Moorhouse's essay

on misplaced projection anxiety.

Don't you think so?

This guy makes
Hartley sound exciting.

Let me elaborate.

A man was married to the
same woman for 25 years.

Oh, the silver anniversary!

Berle and I only
made it to lead.

He became
suspicious that his wife

was emotionally
involved with the plumber,

simply because their pipes

were clogged six
times in one month.

I think your pipes are clogged.

Young man, in your case,

perhaps fear of
rejection is justified.

Hey, way to go,
Professor Dreeben.

Quit kissing up to
the teacher, you worm.

I might be a worm, but at
least I'm a married worm.

I'd rather be single than
married to a water buffalo.

You're nothing but a bully.

If Doris were here,
she'd clean your plow.

No, she wouldn't. She'd pull it.

Does he often call
Mr. Carlin a worm?

No-no. Mr. Carlin is a bully.

Mr. Peterson's a worm, and
he's married to the water buffalo.

Ah.

You know why people don't
like you? Because you're a drip.

Worm.

I bet you won't
say that to my face.

Worm!

Not standing up!

Worm!

Quiet!

Gentlemen, that's
quite enough. Be seated.

I will not stand for this
kind of behavior in my room.

- And Robert.
- Yes, sir?

You let this session
get out of hand.

I want to see you out
in the hall immediately.

Hartley's in trouble.
Nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah.

Worm!

I was just testing the
binding. It's real good.

Ah, Larry the Lawnmower
Meets the Crab Grass g*ng.

Sounds like a goody to me.

It's not bad.

See, Larry the Lawnmower is
in love with Tillie the Trimmer.

Ah.

But she has been kidnapped
by the mean Crab Grass King.

And Larry knows that he has to
mow him down to rescue Tillie.

Unfortunately, Willie Weed
is the only one who knows

the secret passage through Crabgrass
Gulch. See, they have a map here.

Well, why doesn't Willie
Weed tell Larry the Lawnmower

where the secret passage is?

Don't be stupid,
Carol. Weeds can't talk.

Why does Carol the
Receptionist talk to Jerry the Jerk?

Good morning, Carol.

Well, Bob, welcome back. How
was the psychologists' convention?

It was great. There were a
lot of interesting speeches.

Got some new ideas. And
we won the softball tournament.

Ah.

The Neo-Freudians
b*at the Gestalt Nine.

How's the Professor doing?

Well, see for yourself.

He's holding a
session right now.

And here we have
the ancient Parthenon.

Close the door.

Oh, hello, Robert.

Just let me finish this
slide. We're almost done.

Slide?

The Greeks were the first
people to analyze human behavior.

The word "psychology,"
as a matter of fact,

comes from the Greek word
"psyche," which means "soul."

Isn't that nice?

It's all Greek to me.

Hey, down in front!

Do you think that it's
just a happenstance

that Freud named all his
complexes after the Greek myths?

Professor Dreeben...

Do you want to field
that one, Robert?

Not fair, not fair. He knows
a lot about psychology.

Ha. That's a laugh.

Mr. Carlin!

I'm sorry, sir.

What are we doing here?

Oh, we covered that in
the "Dawn of Man" lecture.

Uh, group, I'd like to talk

to Professor Dreeben alone.

Well, time's up anyway.

See you next time.

I know he's gonna
spring a quiz on us.

You want to come over
and study tonight, Carlin?

- Will Doris be there?
- Yep.

I'd rather fail.

What are we going to
talk about next, Professor?

Something special.
We're going to discuss

Freud's theory of
repressed sexuality.

Oh, my.

Are you going to
assign us any...

homework?

Your home or mine?

Ohh!

So, Robert, how'd
the convention go?

Fine. Fine. Thanks.

What kind of sessions
have you been having here?

Robert, I've been applying

my teaching
techniques to the job,

and it's been
working wonderfully.

Is Mr. Peterson still
fighting with his wife?

Is Peterson married?

Yes. You may have heard
him refer to his wife, Doris.

Ah, yes.

Actually, I think Mr. Carlin
mentioned her one time

when we were looking at
slides of the Neanderthal man.

Emily, you've been

fooling with that
alarm for 20 minutes.

Well, I can't decide whether to
stay with the sound of howling dogs

or if tonight's the night
for machine g*n fire.

How about the sound of
a psychologist sleeping?

Why don't you just
forget about it tonight?

Fine, I won't set it, and then
somebody will break in here

and they'll steal my mink.

You don't have a mink.

I know, honey. I meant
to talk to you about that.

Hello.

Hello, Mr. Peterson.

Mr. Peterson, I can't hear
you. What's that clanging?

Doris is pumping iron.

You and Doris haven't
been getting along?

Did you tell the Professor?

He just assigns
you more homework.

No, I don't think there's
gonna be a quiz tomorrow.

No, I won't sit next
to you if there is.

What was that grunt?

Doris just clean
and jerked the couch.

My congratulations
to her. Goodbye.

The Professor's not
working out, is he, Bob?

Not great.

I mean, he's been
a teacher all his life.

He treats everybody like
they're students. Even me.

That's the fifth patient
that called you tonight.

Emily, it's a bad situation

that's not getting better.

Besides, there are
personal feelings involved.

I've got to handle this
as delicately as possible.

- I'd can him.
- Well, that's delicate.

Oh, honey, you know I
think the Professor's terrific.

I think the world of him,

but your first concern has
always been your patients.

Well, he isn't getting
through to them, either.

Bob, do you remember
the first thing you said

when you got out
of graduate school?

Yeah. "Where the hell
am I gonna find a job?"

All right, the second thing.

I don't remember.

Well, you said,
"Any psychologist

who doesn't put
his patients' welfare

above anything
doesn't deserve them."

Now, Bob, those
are brilliant words.

They are brilliant words, Emily. It's just
too bad Professor Dreeben said them to me.

Oh. It figures.

Hi, Bob. Hi, Emily.

Howard, how did you get in here
without tripping the burglar alarm?

Why would it go off? I'm
a navigator, not a burglar.

Bob, I don't understand it. Now,
I pushed all the right buttons.

All right, let me
have a look at it.

You stay in bed, Emily.

If we can send a
man to the moon,

we certainly can stop
Howard at our front door.

Well, I certainly hope so.

What's this switch?

Well, now we can get some sleep!

That was a marvelous
dinner. I want to thank you both.

Well, it was nothing.

The hell it was.

Do you know how many
hours I worked in the kitchen?

Do you know how hard it is to
make Frogs Legs Provencal?

You should've gotten
Frogs Legs Helper.

Professor, why don't you go
in the living room and relax?

We'll bring you coffee
and dessert in there.

Can't I help clear the table?

Absolutely not.

Perfect answer. You must've
been through the course before.

I don't want to do this to him.

Oh, Bob.

I know you're right.

First let me help
you wash the dishes.

No, Bob.

Well, want me
to clear the table?

No, Bob.

Boy, this floor could
stand some waxing.

Honey, you're gonna have to
get this over with sooner or later.

All right. Just,
uh, leave us alone.

All right. Sure.

Bob? Bob, what should I say?

Say anything.

Uh, excuse me, Professor.

I have to go in the
other room and, uh,

and write my Congressman.

What's she writing her
Congressman about?

Well, she's, uh, she's
returning his letter.

Uh, Professor, I wanted
to talk to you alone,

because I have a-I
have a little problem.

Well, I certainly hope I can help.
You've been so wonderful to me.

It, uh, it was a thrill
being taught by you,

and it was an honor to
have worked with you.

Did I die?

When I got back from my trip,

I had several calls from
my patients with problems.

They hadn't come
to you to discuss it.

The door was always open.

Yeah, but when they came in, you
lectured them instead of listening to them.

Robert, what are
you trying to say?

Well, I'm pleased you're
so happy with the job,

but it isn't working out for me.

Are you f*ring me?

"Fired." You know,
it's such a rough word.

Well, you certainly
botched it up.

When you dismiss someone,
there's no room for emotion.

You must be specific,
get right to the point.

Now, why don't you go over
there, walk in here, and do it again?

No, look, Professor...
Do it again.

Yes, sir.

Wait-wait-wait a minute.
That's just what I'm talking about.

You're telling me
that I'm flunking f*ring.

You're-you're grading my life.

You're telling me that
I'm f*ring you wrong.

- Wrongly.
- Wrongly.

And I try to correct it. You're still
a teacher, through and through.

I was a teacher for 30 years.

And you were a great professor.

But this isn't a classroom.

This is-This is real life.

Mr. Carlin is a real person.

I mean, he isn't
some textbook case.

He may be a
textbook case one day.

You know something, Robert?

f*ring me was an
excellent idea. B plus.

You always were a tough grader.

Don't get me wrong. This hurts.

In fact, the whole last
year's been pretty rough.

Professor, I did some research,

and I have a list of colleges
that don't have forced retirement.

Now, any one of them, it'd
be crazy not to snatch you up.

I mean, you belong
in front of a classroom.

Yes, I do.

I'll get the list.

Robert, why don't we talk
about it in the morning?

You're leaving?

Yes. Will you apologize
to Emily for me

when she finishes her letter?

I-I really must run.

Oh, I'm sorry you
have to leave so soon.

I have a little
appointment with Lillian.

Uh, who?

Lillian.

Now that she's not my patient,

I don't have to call her
Mrs. Bakerman anymore.

And you have... You're planning
a session this time of night?

I certainly am.
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