06x11 - Grand Delusion

[bunniefuu]

Happy Anniversary, Bob.

Happy Anniversary, Emily.

Sorry I'm late. I got
hung up at school.

Oh, I just got here myself.

Uh, excuse me. We're
ready to be seated now.

I'll tell you when
a table's available.

Well, there are
plenty of empty tables.

They're all reserved, Madame.

But we made our
reservation a week ago.

How very thoughtful of you, sir.

Surely a few minutes' more
wait won't hurt your appetite.

Not as seriously
as it'll hurt your tip.

Ah, here's a table now, sir.

The place was so jammed, I
don't know how you spotted it.

Enjoy your dinner.

The one on the left is a fork.

He must have gotten up
on the wrong side of the slab.

Oh, Bob, I have been
looking forward to this all day.

Our anniversary.

You know, I can't recall
when I've felt so wonderful.

It's like all the bad things
in the world have gone away

and all that's left
is... goodness.

You're feeling as lousy
as I am, aren't you?

Worse.

Well, I had a horrible day.

I would have
settled for horrible.

This morning I had to
judge cheerleader tryouts.

Imagine a gym full of
12-year-olds yelling, "Go, Tigers!"

"Go, Tigers"?

And then we had to
evacuate the building

because Stevie Friedman set fire

to Marybeth Langley's pom-poms.

Sounds like Marybeth
had a bad day, too.

I was hoping things
went better for you.

Well, first of all,
the train was late,

so I was running behind all day.

Then, I had the feeling I wasn't
getting through to my patients,

but Jerry came in,
and he reassured me.

Said it was nothing to worry
about. I was just washed up.

Ah. Good old Jerry.

Then I got stuck in the
elevator for five minutes.

Well, five minutes
isn't very long.

With Mr. Carlin?

That's long.

Hello, I'm Linda. I'll be
your waitress this evening.

Welcome to Madison. Will
you be having cocktails?

Yes. I'd like a
Scotch and water,

and the lady would
like a Tom Collins.

Okay. Fine.

Here are the dinner menus.

The chef's specials
are excellent.

Oh, good, because this is
kind of a special night for us.

Oh, Bob. It's our
tenth anniversary.

How nice! Congratulations.

Let's see.

I know the 25th
anniversary is silver,

and the 50th is gold.

What do they call the 10th?

It must be something
really romantic.

Tin.

I'll get those drinks.

Sweet girl. Very attractive.

Yeah, she seems okay.

Emily, since we
both had a rotten day

why don't we just
forget about it?

Oh, it's a deal.

And then we'll celebrate
when we feel like it.

You know, I just want you to
know, Bob, no matter how I feel,

I think you're terrific.

Thank you.

I mean it.

I can't imagine my life

if I didn't have you.

I'd probably be an old
maid schoolteacher.

Very attractive, well-dressed,
youngish old maid schoolteacher...

You know, Emily, you don't
seem like the kind of person

who would've stayed single.

- Well, I'm glad I didn't
have to settle.
- Thank you.

I mean, if I... If I
hadn't met you, I...

I probably would've
married some average guy,

had an average life

wish I had waited for Mr. Right.

Oh, who could ask
for a better day?

Twelve straight
hours of shopping.

I won the bet, Carol. Pay up.

Oh, I thought it
impossible for one woman

to buy something in
every store in Chicago.

Today Chicago,
next week, New York.

Where is your manservant
with the rest of our purchases?

Oh, he's taking
the freight elevator.

The silly boy said something
about knowing his place.

Ah, there's Gerald now.

Gerald, put the rest of
the packages down here.

Thank you very much, ma'am.

I'll be starting dinner now for you and
the master. He should be home soon.

Oh, that won't be necessary.
It's our anniversary.

I'll be cooking
something special for him.

You may take the
rest of the evening off.

Why, thank you very much, ma'am.

That will give me the
opportunity to study

for my exams at
the dentistry college.

Ah, how are your studies going?

Very nicely, ma'am.

My teachers tell me if I wish
to become an orthodontist,

I'll have to learn
to be obnoxious.

Excuse me, I'll chill
the champagne, ma'am.

Well, it's time for me
to jump into the kitchen.

Emily, I don't
know how you do it.

There aren't many
successful fashion designers

who'd take the time to cook
their husbands gourmet meals.

Well, I like to cook
every now and then.

You know, every
six or seven years.

Oh, mon dieu! It's
time for me to leave.

I must go, or I'll be late.

Oh, Carol, would you like to
go shopping again tomorrow?

I still don't have
a thing to wear.

I'd love to, Emily,
but I'll be working.

Oh, you work so hard, Carol.

It's not easy being a ballerina.

Oh! I think I hear someone
trying his keys in all the locks.

Oh, good, my
husband must be home.

Hi, Emily. I'm home.

Happy Anniversary.
What's for dinner?

Happy Anniversary, honey.

- Happy Anniversary, Howard.
- Thank you, Carol.

How many years is it?

Till what?

Well, gotta run.

Have fun, Bordens.

How was your day, honey?

Oh, really rough. Really rough.

When I decided to
become a psychologist,

I had no idea I'd be
dealing with crazy people.

Good evening, Gerald.

Good evening, Master Borden.

Shall I draw a bath for you?

No, thank you. I can
recognize it when I see it.

Well,

your champagne is
perfectly chilled, sir.

May I take this opportunity to wish
you the happiest of anniversaries

and the brightest of futures.

Oh, thank you,
Gerald. That's so sweet.

Oh, and Gerald, as
long as you won't be here,

why don't you take
the evening off?

Thank you very
much, sir. Thank you.

It's amazing, isn't it?

Good man, Gerald. How
was your day, darling?

Oh, the usual.

I translated a book from the original
Greek. It was a book about Plato.

I love Plato.

- You do?
- Yes.

And Mickey and
Goofy and all the g*ng.

Me, too.

Well, it's a very
special day, honey.

Isn't it neat that
our anniversaries fall

on the same day?

Just like our wedding.

Since it's so special,
let's do something special.

How about a little
miniature golf?

Well, I was hoping to spend

a romantic evening at
home with the man I love.

Well, if you call
that celebrating.

Well, that's what
we'll do... unless...

you-know-who drops by.

Well, hello, Emily.

Hello, Howard.
What's for dinner?

Ha.

Good to see you, Bob.

Would you care for a drink, Bob?

I'll get him a drink.

I thought you'd probably want
to have dinner alone tonight.

Well, I would
love to have dinner

with the one I love.

I know what you mean.

Here you are, Bob.
A real man's drink.

Cherry Coke with a twist.

I'll bet if a man had
a couple of these,

he could really
make a fool of himself.

Nah, I drink them all the time.

So, how's it going
with you, Emily?

Oh, let me show you two
what I've been working on.

Emily's the only woman in the
world to get her design on the cover

of "Harper's Bazaar," "Vogue" and
"Mademoiselle" all in the same month.

You must be very proud, Emily.

Oh, well, I'm pleased.

But designing clothes
for beautiful women isn't...

thrilling anymore.

Design clothes for ugly women.

Good idea.

But I'd like to do
something really...

wild.

I'd like to design sheets.

I can see how someone
wouldn't want to sleep

on something dull every night.

Well, what's to design?
Aren't all sheets flat?

How's your book coming, Howard?

Just about finished, Bob.
What do you think of this title?

"Psychology Is a
Four-Letter Word."

It's 10 letters.

Think anyone will notice?

No.

Well, let me read you a chapter

I just finished.
I'll be right back.

Oh, Bob. What would
I do without you?

Don't ask questions.
Just let's live.

Oh!

I'll read you some of the
stuff I wrote yesterday.

Oh, I can hardly wait.

Uh, this chapter is
called "Insecurity."

"Many insecure people
are not sure of themselves."

Pretty radical theory.

"Insecurity leads to
indecision, which is terrible.

"At least I think it is.

"Sometimes. Maybe."

Brilliant.

"Sometimes people
are so insecure,

"they don't trust their best
friends or even their wives."

Now isn't that silly?

It's ridiculous.

Well, I have some
anniversary presents for you.

- Oh, Bob, you didn't have to.
- Oh, a present?

Oh, a diamond necklace!

An airline ticket for me!

To fly anyplace around
the world, one-way!

Thank you, Bob.

Well, I thought you could
use a vacation, Howard.

Oh, yes, I can.

While I'm gone, would
you look after Emily?

I'll do my best.

Who could ask
for a better friend?

- Search me.
- I'll get the champagne.

Oh, Bob, it's just beautiful.

So are you.

Oh, I never
thought I'd see this.

Oh, Howard, it
isn't what you think.

Oh, yes, it is. You
think I'm a dummy?

You know what it means
to see my best friend

and my wife in
each other's arms?

It means they're finally
starting to get along, and I love it.

Yes, Howard, you
were right all along.

Bob is... okay.

Well, it's good to
see my best friend

and my wife so close.

It's like a dream come true.

Howard, I'm glad we were
able to make you so happy.

To the three of us.

Well, I have to be
going. I'm flying to Paris.

Be seeing you.

Thanks for everything.

Happy Anniversary again.

It's been a wonderful 10 years.

You know, you've
brought a new meaning

to the word "neighborly."

Excuse me, sir.

There's a Rolls-Royce
outside with its lights on.

Well, it's not mine.

I didn't think it was,

but I have to ask everyone.

You know, underneath that

cold, arrogant exterior,

I believe there's a rotten man.

Oh, honey, forget about him.

Bob, have you ever thought about

what your life would
be like without me?

I don't know, Emily. I'm not
the swinging singles type.

No, I couldn't imagine
life without you,

even in my wildest fantasies.

Dr. Hartley, I'm
glad you're here.

I worry so when you're driving.

Yes, Formula One racing
is dangerous, Carol, but,

I don't know. I
feel alive out there.

I don't think I could
quit if I wanted to.

I still think it's
unfair of them

to make you start
driving 10 minutes

after everyone else.

Well, they're letting me
use fourth gear this year.

The fools. Where's
your manservant?

Oh, that silly boy insists on

taking the elevator behind me.

Morning, Mrs. Bondurant.

Hello, Gerald.

Say, Gerald, if Bob
doesn't need you today,

could you wash and wax my car?

Aw, sure thing, Mrs. B.

You're a wonderful
person, Gerald.

Aw, heck, so are you, Mrs. B.

Remember how you and
me used to fight all the time?

That was before Dr. Bob

straightened us out.

Helping people is my bag.

Gerald, you want to help me?

I have a new patient coming in.

Sure thing, skipper.

Any messages, Carol?

Oh, yes, Frank Sinatra called

and invited you
to Sunday brunch.

Tell him I'll come
but I won't sing.

And the White House called.

Tell him we're set for Saturday.

You know, I think
the president is really

getting in touch
with his true feelings.

I'm Mr. Markus.

Which way to Dr. Hartley?

I'm Dr. Hartley. Why
don't you go in my office?

Isn't he marvelous?

Oh, you don't know
the half of it, Mrs. B.

You know, this
morning when I got up,

I was feeling real
depressed, you know, low?

And then as I was giving the
skipper his morning rubdown,

he just kinda turned to me,
gave me a little punch on the chin

and said, "You know,
kid, you're all right."

I tell you, it turned
my day around.

Oh, if only they could
bottle that kind of charm.

Yeah.

Dr. Hartley, how
can I ever thank you?

No thanks are necessary.

I've been in
analysis for 15 years.

I've seen specialists
all over the world,

and no one has ever
been able to help me

until I came to you.
Please send me a bill.

I'm not in this for the bread.

Gerald, could I see
you in my office?

Sure thing, skipper.

Did you hear that, Mrs. B?
He wants to see me in his office.

You lucky dog.

Sit down, Gerald.

Thanks, skipper. You know,
skipper, you never did tell me

what you used to
bag the big fella there.

These.

What a struggle. He
ripped my best tie.

Wow!

Well, I asked you in here

because I wanted to talk
to you about something.

There's nothing
wrong, is there, skipper?

You're not mad at me. You're
not gonna fire me, are you, boss?

Relax, kid.

Gerald, I'd like your
opinion about something.

You know this girl
I've been dating?

Which one, boss?

The tall, vivacious blonde.

Which one, boss?

- Bianca.
- Oh, yeah.

Hubba, hubba.

Well, I'm afraid she has
marriage on her mind.

Gerald, do you think
it's time I settled down?

After all, I am almost 32.

Well, that's... That's
crazy talk, skipper.

Maybe it isn't my place
to say this, skipper,

but I don't think you're
a one-woman man.

I don't even think
you're a 10-woman man.

Maybe you're right. Maybe
I am fated to be a bachelor.

I've always had the
feeling, if I met the right girl

bells would go off.

Do you hear bells
with Bianca, boss?

Nothing.

No ding, no dong.

Straighten your tie.
Dr. Hartley's here.

Dr. Hartley, how kind of you
to grace us with your presence.

- It's good to see
you again, Cedric.
- Thank you, sir.

Oh, by the way, you did a
very nice job replanting my lawn.

Thank you indeed, sir.

Is our table ready?

Yes, it is.

Into the alley.

This way, please.

Oh, no, Dr. Hartley, I
couldn't take money from you.

Your being here
is reward enough.

All right, have it your way.

Remember, Cedric,
don't put anyone near us

who smokes, talks loud
or belongs to a lodge.

Well, Bianca, how was your day?

It was a little hectic.

Holding down two jobs is
getting to be a drag, Bob.

I've either got to give up

being a Playboy bunny
or a neurosurgeon.

Why don't you combine
the two and operate topless?

Oh, Bob, what would
I do without you?

It's funny you should
bring that up, Bianca.

Before we go out anymore,

I think we should have
a little talk about us.

Hi. I'm Emily.

I'm your waitress
for the evening.

Would you like cocktails?

Hello, Emily.

Yes. We'd like a
Scotch and water,

dry martini with a twist,

and I find you very beautiful.

Thank you.

Emily, don't you know who
just paid you a compliment?

Should I?

Well, of course.
This is Bob Hartley,

an extraordinary human being.

Didn't you see his picture
on the cover of "Time"

when he solved the
Middle East crisis?

I missed a haircut,
but it was worth it.

Good work. I'll
get you your drinks.

Bob.

Bob!

Huh.

You wanted to talk to
me about something?

Oh, yes.

You're a good kid, Bianca.

I don't want to
see you get hurt,

but there's no future for us.

I knew this was coming.

I guess I never
expected anything

permanent with a guy like you.

I'm sorry it didn't work out.

Oh, Bob, don't apologize.

These have been the most
exciting three weeks of my life.

Bianca, those were great times,

but let's quit now, while our
memories are still good ones.

Here we are.

Scotch and water.

And a martini.

Would you like to order dinner?

No, I won't be
staying for dinner.

Goodbye, Bob.

I'm just sorry you'll
have to eat dinner alone.

Bianca, are you
going to be all right?

Eventually.

I don't know.

Maybe I'll break down and go out with
that Redford fellow who keeps calling.

Maybe that Nureyev
guy, you know.

The one you taught to dance.

But I know that all
they'll want to do is...

talk about you.

Will you be wanting
dinner, Mr. Hartman?

That's Hartley.

Oh. Sorry.

You really don't know
who I am, do you?

No, I'm afraid not.

And you're not impressed
with my reputation?

Not particularly.

Would you like to
have dinner with me?

I'd love to, but I'm working.

Cedric, I'd like Emily
to be my guest at dinner.

Of course. She has the
rest of the evening off, sir.

Was she special to you?

Who?

Oh.

No, I've never met
a woman who was,

as you say, special to me.

Emily, do you hear bells?

Why, yes. I think I do.

Tell me, what do
you do, Mr. Hartley?

Just call me Bob.

I guess I'm what
you'd call a wealthy,

playboy psychologist with

immense wealth
and exotic hobbies.

To be honest with you,

I don't think you're that kind
of man at all, Bob Hartley.

- You don't?
- No.

I think you're a
nice, normal guy

who wants a nice home,

a wife, and a simple life.

You know, you're right, Emily.
That's exactly what I want.

Why don't we finish
our drinks here,

and we'll go to a nice little
French restaurant I know,

and then later we'll
drive by the lake.

Sounds wonderful.

Then end up at my
apartment for a nightcap,

and we'll watch the sun come up.

Oh, no. None of that
until we're married.

Emily, don't you think you're
being a little old-fashioned?

Don't blame me.
This is your fantasy.

Feeling any better, Bob?

Hm?

Oh, yeah, yeah. As
a matter of fact, I am.

So am I.

You know, Emily, we were wrong.

This isn't just an ordinary
day. It's our anniversary.

You're right. You know,
10 years ago today,

we started a wonderful marriage.

Why don't we finish our drinks
and set Chicago on its ear?

We'll go to a French
restaurant, do a little dancing,

and then take a long
drive along the lake.

Sounds wonderful!

Then we'll go to my place...
Uh, our place for a nightcap

and watch the sun come up.

Fantastic.

Sorry, kid.