06x14 - Grizzly Emily

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Bob Newhart Show". Aired: September 16, 1972 –; April 1, 1978.*
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Comedian Bob Newhart portrays a psychologist whose interactions with his wife, friends, patients, and colleagues lead to humorous situations and dialogue.
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06x14 - Grizzly Emily

Post by bunniefuu »

Coming!

- Hi, Emily.
- Hi, Carol. Come on in.

Well, here's the suitcase I
borrowed for a couple of days

last year.

Thanks for bringing it back.

Oh, I'd have brought
it back sooner,

except I was hoping
you'd forget I had it.

It came in real handy, though,

when Larry and I went to Vegas.

Oh.

Oh!

Caesar's Palace ashtray.

Flamingo fountain pen.

Desert Inn drinking glass.

Did you stay at
all those places?

No, just visited, but
I had my big purse.

Listen, is Bob home yet?

No, no, he's in Kansas City.

He's going to meet us
up at the cabin tonight.

Emily, are you sure
you want to go fishing?

You know, Larry could book
you a great trip to Vegas.

Carol, you can't
land a rainbow trout

in Las Vegas.

True, but you can't
sh**t craps in the woods.

Carol, you know I love fishing.

I used to go
fishing all the time

in Seattle with my dad.

Besides, I'm looking
forward to this weekend,

just getting away,

you know, me and the guys.

Bob and his dad and Jerry.

Jerry?

Yeah, he overheard
Bob talking about it,

and he invited himself along.

He said he loves the outdoors.

Jerry's idea of roughing it

is wearing a short sleeve shirt.

And how did Bob's
father horn in here?

Oh, he didn't horn in.

It's his idea. It's his cabin.

Well, if he's anything
like my father-in-law,

he's a real drag.

Carol, shh. Herb will hear you.

He's in the den, tying flies.

To what?

Wait a minute. You call
your father-in-law Herb?

Well, sure. What
do you call yours?

Sir.

Unless he's in a real bad mood.

Then he insists
on "Your Lordship."

Hi, Carol.

Hi, Mr. Hartley.
All set for your trip?

You bet. Will
the fish be biting?

Biting? One look at these flies

and they'll ask
for the wine list.

Where's Martha?

She went to New
York to see her sister.

Years ago we made
an arrangement.

I don't force her to clean fish,

and she doesn't force
me to look at her sister.

I think I got the
better of that deal.

Is the coffee ready, Emily?
Yeah, it's in the thermos.

Listen, I gotta run, but
have a nice weekend.

Oh, hi, Carol. Hi, Emily.

Hi, Howard. Bye, Howard.

Bye, Emily. Bye, Mr. Hartley.

Bye, Carol. Hi, Howard.

Hi, Herb. Bye, Carol.

Hi, Dave. Hi, Ricky.

That was fun.

You guys getting
ready for your trip?

You better believe it.

I just got through tying my fly.

Did you break your zipper?

That's rich, Howard.

Hello.

Oh, hi, honey.

Where are you?

Denver? I thought you
were in Kansas City.

There's a baggage
handlers' strike,

and it's messed up
the whole schedule.

They had to re-route me here.

Yeah, it is too bad,

but at least I know
where my luggage is.

Back in Kansas City
behind a picket line.

Well, you will be able to make
it this weekend, won't you?

Oh.

Okay, honey, well,
then we'll see you later.

Bob's in Denver.

He'll try and make it
to the cabin tomorrow.

Oh, well, I better start taking

this stuff down to the car.

Yeah, I better
finish packing that.

You guys have a good time.

I'll take care of things here.

Hey, Howard, if you're not
doing anything this weekend,

why don't you come on
up to the cabin with us?

Who, me?

Yeah. There's plenty of room.

Well, I hadn't
planned on taking...

Oh, sure.

We can always use an
extra hand up at the cabin.

Well, I suppose it's okay.

Just give me a little time

to get my things together, okay?

Can I ride in the front seat?

Come on, Jer!

Oh, what is taking him so long?

He's having trouble
getting his gear together.

What's that smell?

Clean air.

Welcome to my mountain retreat.

I hope you two don't
mind roughing it.

Where's the Jacuzzi?

The Jacuzzi's back in Chicago.

That's a long way to go

with just a towel
around your waist.

Oh, Herb, the
cabin is beautiful.

Hey!

My lumberjack jacket.

I live for this moment.

Yeah, boy.

This is where I really belong.

Oh, Herb, you
look right at home.

Yeah. Hey, Cupcake,
would you mind

handing me that
pillow for my back?

That one?

Yeah.

Yeah. Thanks, Cupcake.

Yeah, I've been
waiting for this.

Isn't it nice to get up here

where you can
hear yourself think?

I don't hear anything.

Boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.

This is what I call
the wilderness, huh?

Say, Herb, where's
the best reception?

Try the second
bedroom down the hall.

Right. Jerry.

How can you watch television

in the middle of
these beautiful woods?

You've got a point there, Emily.

Those tall trees will
really screw up my picture.

I gotta hurry. The
Fighting Irish are on soon.

The Fighting Irish?

Haven't they got
that thing settled yet?

Howard, this weekend,
take my advice.

Don't go near any woodpeckers.

On second thought, do.

Ah, I love the sound
of the wilderness.

No, that's my radio phone.

Oh. I love the
sound of radio phone.

That come in a Princess model?

Next year. Hello.

Hello, Mr. Hartley.

Oh! Sybil Jenkins.
The local operator.

What's new, Sybil?

Mrs. Bennett's having an affair

with the game warden.

Sounds like he's
bagged his limit.

Sybil knows everything
about everybody.

Heard you were up here
with your pretty daughter-in-law

a guy with a color TV

and some fellow who brought
up the rear in the brains line.

Better turn that down.
Jerry might hear.

Look, Sybil, in case
you haven't heard,

my son Bob will be joining
us up here later on tonight.

No, he won't.

He was held up somewhere.

Oh? Who told you that?

He did.

He was trying to get in touch
with you a little while ago.

Uh, was he calling
from Kansas City?

Nope. Dallas.

He got re-routed again.

Thinks he'll be able to make it

up to the cabin late tomorrow.

Did he sound upset?

Well, he didn't have
much time to talk.

He was trying to
catch up to his luggage.

Thanks, Sybil.
Talk to you later.

Oh, poor Bob.

Ah, don't worry.

When the going gets
tough, a Hartley gets going.

Really? Bob usually gets cranky.

Hey, we've got a couple of
good hours of daylight yet.

Oh, right! Let's put
them to good use.

How about it, Howard?

Want to go see if we can
catch a couple of big ones?

No, thanks. I think
I'd rather go fishing.

Does he ever stop?

Nah, one right after the other.

Cupcake, I can't tell
you how glad I am

you came along on this trip.

Oh, I'm glad you asked me, Herb.

I can't tell you how I've
been looking forward to it.

Yeah, it's been ages since I had

a woman up here
to clean up the place.

All right. How about it?

Come on, the fish are jumping.

Yeah, they're probably nervous

because they heard
we were coming.

Hey, Cupcake,

the steel wool
is under the sink.

Oh, thanks.

Why, you old...

fisherman.

Yeah, we practically
had to b*at the fish away

with a stick, Cupcake.

You should have been there.

Yeah, I should've.

Yeah, I caught a newt,

and Herb made
me throw it back in.

He said, "No newts
is good newts."

That's a little
fishing humor, Emily.

Well, I'm glad you
two had a good time.

I had great fun
cleaning the oven.

Yeah, and you did one heck
of a good job with it, sweetie.

I was hoping that maybe you
could defrost the refrigerator.

But you can let it
go until morning.

Thanks.

Look, Herb, I didn't mind
straightening up the cabin

and, I mean, I didn't
mind cleaning the fish...

much but I think
you ought to know

that I do expect to
go fishing tomorrow.

You hear that, Howard?

She expects to go
fishing tomorrow.

Isn't that cute?

I'm serious, Herb.

You are, huh?

Well, Emily,

we don't mind you
coming along and watching,

but you know, the
currents out there

in that river are pretty swift.

Hey, come on, let's
relax around the fire.

Good idea, Herb.

Good idea.

Emily. Hm?

The dishwashing
detergent is under the sink.

The dishwashing soap.

I'm not gonna wash the dishes

while you two sit and talk.

Aw, isn't that sweet.

Don't worry. Noise
won't disturb us.

Oh, uh, Howard, uh, you mind?

You're sitting in Old Red.

Oh! Did I get any
on my Wranglers?

No, Old Red is
my redwood rocker.

I've had her since
I bought this cabin

back in '42.

Then I'll just sit
here on Old Maroon.

Yeah, '42.

That was the year I caught
that 12-pound catfish.

What kind of mice
did you use for bait?

Good one, Howard.

It was?

You know, I've had a lot of
adventures up here at the cabin.

Never forget the
year the bear came by.

Bear?

Yeah, mean old grizzly.

Had the whole lake
terrorized for months.

Finally I had to go
out and chase him off.

Boy, you could've
been roughed up.

You see, Howard,
there are rules in nature.

You know, a bear won't harm
a man unless he shows fear.

How does a bear show fear?

Howard, you're
better than Bob Hope.

At what?

Emily, long as you're up,

you mind filling my pipe?

Herb, I am washing your dishes.

Oh, that's all right.
I'm in no hurry.

I'll wait till you
dry your hands.

Just a minute, Herb.

Well, now, look, Cupcake.

It's not like I'm asking you

to chop down a tree
or anything like that.

Just a little favor for a man

who's been out in
the wilderness all day,

stalking your dinner.

All right, Herb.

I'll fill your pipe.

Actually, I'm trying
to quit anyway.

Emily, look what I caught!

A minnow?

Yeah, he's little but scrappy.

That's wonderful, Howard.

Here, Howard, take my
trout over to the sink there

where Emily can clean it.

Put it in the icebox, Howard.

Emily doesn't feel like
cleaning fish tonight.

Should be clean by now.

He's been in the water all day.

Halftime! Anybody want
to go out for a pizza?

The nearest pizza
restaurant is 200 miles away.

They deliver?

Ah, never mind.
It'd be cold anyway.

Hello.

Hello, Herb.

Heard you had a fight
with your daughter-in-law.

Well, not, uh, not really.

Oh, yeah?

How's your pipe?

Don't worry.

I didn't breathe a word to Bob.

Bob?

Yep, he's on the line.
Want to talk to him?

Sure. Put him on.

Hi, Dad.

Yeah, hi, son.

Where the heck you been?

We got shuttled to Miami,

and I'm afraid I won't
be able to make it

to the cabin at
all this weekend.

I know.

I feel terrible about it, too.

Yeah, especially when
I think of the great time

you guys must be having.

Isn't Emily a great little
outdoorswoman, Dad?

Yeah, yeah, great.

Isn't Dad something
with those fish, Emily?

He's something, all right.

I'd better go and
grab a bite to eat.

I'll call you all later.

Wish I was there.

Yeah, bye, son.

Goodbye, Bob.

Bye!

No!

Oh, Herb, this is
ridiculous. We're being silly.

That's right, Emily,
you are being silly.

I mean we both are.

Now, look, I'm not the one

who poured the soapy water

in my father-in-law's pipe.

Well, you deserved it.

Why? What did I do?

Herb, ever since we got up here

and you put on this
ridiculous jacket,

you have turned from a
perfectly charming father-in-law

into Nanook of the North.

What are you talking about?

Herb...

why wouldn't you
let me go fishing?

Well, I told you already.

Those waters are treacherous.

Oh!

That creek is about as
treacherous as a bubble bath!

And believe me, if you and...

and Howard can handle it,

I mean, I certainly can!

Now listen to me, Emily.

Now, maybe women's
lib is all right in the city,

where it can't do much harm,

but up here in the high country,

everybody's got to
pull his own weight.

This is where the strongest
and the most experienced

have to be the leaders.

You Tarzan, me Jane?

What does that make me?

Now, Emily, I know it
sounds old-fashioned,

but I'm doing this
for your own good.

Look, Herb, I'm
trying to be nice

because I like you

and because you're
my husband's father,

and one of my
major rules in life

is never to call my husband's
father a mushroom head.

But you, Herb, are
a mushroom head!

You see, Emily,
you're losing your cool,

just like a woman.

I just don't believe
this conversation!

Well, you can say
what you want, Emily,

but I simply will
not subject you

to the dangers of the wild!

Dangers!

The only dangers
I've had to face

since we got up here
are dishpan hands!

That's because
you stayed inside,

where you belong.

Oh, I cannot talk
to you up here!

It's all right with me, Emily.

One thing I can do
without up here in my cabin

is a woman's idle chatter.

Well, mm.

Ah, I think I'll, uh,

go out and get some wood.

Yes, good idea, Howard.

Looks like it's gonna
be a darn cold night.

Yeah. I'll be right
back with that wood.

Where's the wood, Howard?

Oh, I'll get it later.

Later?

As soon as that eight-foot bear

gets off the woodpile.

Yes, Ranger Davis,

look, I'm glad
we finally got you.

This is Herb Hartley.

Look, I want to
report a bear sighting

right outside my cabin.

Oh, yeah? Did you
get any pictures?

Well, no.

You wanna buy some?

Well, look, what should we do?

Now, look, there's a lot
of bears out there, Herb.

You're up in the woods now.

What did he look like?

Well, Howard here is
the only one who saw him.

Here, describe him.

Breaker, breaker.

The alleged bear
had, uh, brown eyes,

yeah, and brown hair,

uh, he was kinda
portly, uh, tall,

uh, four paws, and, uh,

oh, yeah, he was naked.

Well, that rules out Smokey.

Look, Herb, I don't think
you're in any danger.

Just stay inside for a while

and he'll go away by himself.

I'll check back with
you in the morning.

Oh, all right. Yeah. Well, sure.

I hope I don't have to go down

and look at the lineup.

You know, that Ranger
Davis is a pretty shrewd fella.

That's exactly the
course of action

I was gonna recommend.

Ah, that bear won't
stay around here

once he realizes that
there's no food around here.

Yeah, but there is food. Us!

Yeah, frozen food.

Fire's almost out.

We'll need some wood
before the night's over.

Well, uh, who is
gonna go and get it?

Well, I don't know who
is, but I know who isn't:

The Cupcake.

Well, of course
you're not, Emily.

This is a job for a man.

Herb, you're the
closest to the door.

Well, I don't see
anything out there.

Let me take a look. I
know what he looks like.

Oh, it's the hideous thing!

Where?

Right there! Outside the window!

That's... Oh.
That's my reflection.

Well, there's only
one thing to do.

I'll be right back.

Herb? You're not
going out there?

That's right, Emily.

It's my cabin. It's my duty.

Herb, you don't have
to prove anything.

Not to anyone.

I mean, a bear is a
very dangerous animal.

He might be out
there waiting for you,

ready to pounce!

Oh, Howard!

Hey, you know, with my coat on,

it's not too bad in here.

Hey, would you believe it?

The thermometer's gone up

to a nice, toasty 28 degrees.

Yeah.

No wonder I'm sweating.

Sweating? I've never been
so cold in my whole life.

Me, either.

Well, of course
you're gonna be cold

if you stand around
with nothing on you.

Come on, now. Put on
your coats and your mufflers

and everything, and
first thing you know,

you'll be roasting.

We may even have
to open up a window.

Herb, do you really think
we're gonna be warm enough?

No, we'll have to get some
wood before the night's over,

that's for sure.

There's no need
to go outside for it,

with all the wood around here.

Here, look at these pencils.

Look there.

They're highly
flammable, you know.

They ought to
burn for... minutes.

Yeah, and that
newspaper will burn.

No, no, I haven't
read the funnies yet!

Yeah, that'll be
blazing in no time.

Herb, we can really
get by without a fire.

No need, no need. Not
with all the wood in here.

That table, and
that table, and...

and Old Red.

Oh, Herb. Not Old Red.

Oh, Emily, it's only a chair.

Oh!

Oh, Herb, that was
your favorite chair.

What, this old thing?

I've been meaning to
get rid of this junk for ages.

Jerry? Were you just outside?

Yeah, I went out the back way.

Left my radio in the car.

Did you happen to
see a bear out there?

Oh, yeah, the big, brown,
furry thing over by the woodpile.

Cute.

Morning, Emily.

Morning, Herb.

I, uh... I brought
you your pipe.

And I filled it... with tobacco.

Thank you.

Sleep well?

Bleh.

You?

Well... I had this
terrible dream

that I was locked
inside of a refrigerator.

Then I realized
I was still awake.

You know, as I lay
in bed there last night,

listening to Howard's
teeth chatter,

it suddenly dawned on me:

I'm not as young
as I used to be.

Oh, well, we're all
getting older, Herb.

I mean, we're older than we were
when we woke up this morning.

Now I'm even more depressed.

Oh...

You know, Emily, I
really loved Old Red.

I know you did, Herb.

I don't know what
got into me last night.

Oh, who do I think I'm fooling?

I know what got into me. Fear.

Large dose of runaway fear.

I just got scared silly

at the idea of facing that bear.

Aw, Herb.

You've chased bears before.

What about that
one you ran off in '42?

Well, Emily, that
wasn't really a bear.

It was more like a bull.

Well, really, what
it actually was,

was a cow.

Well, Herb, you know,
cows can be mean.

You know, I've
been thinking, Emily.

I've been coming
up to this place

for nearly 40 years.

I'm getting old.

Maybe I ought
to sell this place.

You know, I think
that's a good idea, Herb.

You do?

Yeah, you bet.

You know, a man of your years

ought to get into
quieter hobbies.

You know, like checkers or
cribbage or lawn bowling...

I hate those things.

Well, I mean, you'll
get used to them in time.

I mean, Herb, you'll
have so much time

to spend with your
wife's relatives.

Are you crazy?

You're not gonna
put me out to pasture.

Now look here, Emily...

Oh, I know what you're doing.

And it worked.

Oh, boy, how it worked.

Herb, you belong here.

That's right.

And you don't have to be
Daniel Boone to prove it.

You know, I've been
treating you pretty shabbily.

Ah...

bears and women make
me act foolish sometimes.

I'm sorry.

Aw, Herb, it can
happen to the best of us.

It's okay.

Wanna go fishing?

Hey, Herb, I would love it.

You catch 'em, I'll clean 'em.

Hey, Howard!

Emily and I are going
down to the river.

Want to come along?

Yeah, I better not. That
bear may be looking for me.

After all, I'm the one
to put the finger on him.

Come on. Let's
go catch our dinner.

I'm with you, Cupcake.

Hi, Howard.

Nothing like a weekend
in the wilderness

to make you really
appreciate nature, huh?
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