06x16 - Group on a Hot Tin Roof

[bunniefuu]

No, no, no, no! Come back here!

Ah, another satisfied customer.

Tommy, your mother wants
you to have nice, straight teeth.

I'm afraid of dentists.

Tommy, I'm not a dentist.

What are you?
Could I answer that?

You just stay there.

Tommy, I'm an orthodontist.

What's that? That's
an expensive dentist.

Tommy, I'm a man

who's going to
straighten your teeth.

I'm a nice man who
would never hurt you.

Now do you know what I am?

Yeah, you're a weirdo.

Out of the mouths of babes.

I'm going home. Good-bye.

Turkey.

Well, that went well.

Oh, Jer, Jer, you have
such a way with children.

It's a gift. Return it.

And while we're on
the subject, my dear,

my schedule here tells me
it's time for your dental checkup.

Ah, so it is.

All checked out. What's next?

There's an old saying,

"A dentist who examines
himself has a fool for a patient."

Of course any dentist you
see has a fool for a patient.

When shall I make
the appointment?

Oh, it's Bob! Hi,
Bob! How's it going?

Shh! Jerry! It's
quiet time in there.

The group is closing their eyes

and trying to get in touch
with their true feelings.

Well, that is fascinating.
Isn't that fascinating?

Boy, oh, boy. Do they enjoy
that, Bob? Do they like that, huh?

All except for Mr. Carlin.

He never closes his eyes
when he's paying cash.

Bob, can you believe it?
Jerry's afraid to go to the dentist.

I am not afraid.

I just don't think
it's necessary.

Just butt out, will you, Carol?

I can take care of my
own mouth, thank you.

If only he could.

Well, I better
get back in there.

They should be in a deep
state of mediation now.

Mr. Peterson: You
shut your mouth, Carlin!

Don't call me that again!

I'll call you anything
I want to call you!

Please, gentlemen, please!

Al this yelling has
made me drop a stitch.

What are you knitting,
Mrs. Bakerman?

A knitting bag.

It takes one to know one.

All right, what's the
argument about?

Mr. Carlin called
me a wimp again.

What is a wimp, Dr. Hartley?

Well, it a slang expression

for a weak, ineffectual person.

Close enough.

A wimp is a guy who can't
stand up to his own wife.

But I think that Mr. Peterson

is making progress
with his wife.

He's ever brought
a note to prove it.

Doris wrote me a love
letter today, Dr. Hartley.

Is the letter in her
own hoof-writing?

That's enough
of that, Mr. Carlin.

Do you mind if I read the
note in front of the group?

Oh, of course not.

Something this beautiful
deserves to be shared.

"Dear Emil.

"Come straight home after group

or I'll remodel your face."

Well, I'm glad that you
and Doris are getting along.

Uh, why don't we
turn to Mr. Plager?

Mr. Plager, you haven't been
able to get a word in edgewise.

That's okay.

I doubt that anybody
would be interested

in anything that I had to say.

What'd you say, Plager?
I wasn't paying attention.

Mr. Carlin, you must
listen more carefully.

We all want Mr. Plager
to feel perfectly free

to drone on all he wants to.

That's a very good
thought, Mrs. Bakerman.

Now, Mr. Plager, you were
droning... you were saying?

Well, none of my writing sells.

I mean, I've been trying
to write for television,

and they just
don't buy my stuff.

What kind of stuff
are you writing?

Well, I read where there's
too much v*olence in TV,

so I've written a whole
new kind of cop show.

What is that? "Police Barber."

Sounds like a hit to me.

Well, the networks hated it.

And then I came
up with a concept

for a whole different
kind of wildlife show.

Animals that live in the city,

flies, roaches, rats,

and I called it
"Vermin Kingdom."

And they... they
didn't like that?

Well, they liked it, but they
said they couldn't find a timeslot.

So then I came up with, I think,

the best idea I've ever had.

I'm on the edge of my seat.

Why not have a
show to raise money

to fight an easy disease?

What did you have in mind?

A telethon for chapped lips.

Well, I think we all
would like to see that

stamped out during our lifetime.

Maybe the theater is
your cup of tea, Mr. Plager.

Yeah, you'd be turned down
by a better class of people.

I think theater's a good idea.

Have you ever written
a drama, Mr. Plager?

No, I haven't, but
maybe I'd be good at it.

Maybe you would.

I mean, it's important
in life to take chances.

As a matter of fact,

I devote an entire
chapter of that in my book.

Let me just read
a bit of it to you.

My goodness! Look
how late it's getting.

The session always
goes by so fast.

I'm getting out of here.

Well, I, uh, guess I better
start to work on my play.

I hope you all get anxiety
att*cks on your way home!

Emily, couldn't you do these
chemistry experiments somewhere else?

Like where? Milwaukee.

Well, if this doesn't work,

we're gonna be blowing
by there pretty soon.

You're sure you know
what you're doing?

Of course.

I mean, if I'm gonna fill in for
the chemistry teacher on Monday,

I've gotta learn
these experiments.

And I want you to pay attention

or you won't get recess.

Do I get extra credit for knowing
where the teacher is ticklish?

Now look at this.

Voilá.

Now, do you know
what we have here?

Yes, a tribe of Indians
gathering in the parking lot.

No, we have salt water.

Plain ordinary salt water,

and as proof, I'm
supposed to drink it.

Emily, you aren't
really gonna drink that.

Well, it is part of
the demonstration,

and the book says
it's perfectly safe.

Who wrote the book?

The late Dr. Jonathan Henry.

I think I'll drink it tomorrow.

I wouldn't wanna get
hooked on this stuff.

I think scientists always

try it on a guinea pig first.

Hi, Bob. Hi, Emily.

Howard, would you
leave the door open?

I wanna air out the room.

Oh, boy! Fondue!

Emily is conducting some
chemistry experiments.

Howard, look at this.

You see, you
drop a little of this

into this and... to your health.

No, thanks. I'm on the wagon.

Howard, it's perfectly harmless.

I got a flight coming up,

and the airline
frowns on smoking,

especially from the ears.

All right, look, I will make
the supreme sacrifice.

In the interests of
science, I will drink it.

Dr. Hartley?

Hello... hello, Mr. Plager.

I'm sorry to bother you
while you're relaxing.

Uh, that's all
right. Come on in.

This is my wife Emily.

How do you do? How do you do?

An our neighbor Howard Borden.

Hello. Hello.

Well, what can I do for you?

You know, a couple
of weeks ago, Doctor,

you and the group
suggested I write a play?

Of course.

Yeah, well, I wrote
one and I submitted it.

Today I found out the neighborhood
playhouse is gonna produce it,

and I get to direct.

Oh, Mr. Plager,
that's wonderful.

I'm very proud of you.

Yeah, I love the
theater. I always go.

What's the last
thing you've seen?

Well, the last time
I was in Baltimore,

I saw "Tina And
Her Amazing Frog."

What's the play about?

Well, Tina comes
on the stage... Not...

Not you, Howard.

Mr. Plager?

Well, it's about men and women

thrown together in the
crucible of w*r-torn Europe.

It's about death and destruction

and helplessness and dying.

Okay, but I've never
see a good show

without a frog before.

Doesn't look like
a theater to me.

Well, this is the rehearsal
hall. The theater's upstairs.

Carlin: What are we doing here?

Nobody ever comes
down to watch me work.

Well, we could
do that, Mr. Carlin.

What are you involved in now?

I'm subdividing a playground.

Oh, here you are.

Listen, I want to thank
you all for coming.

Well, thank you very
much for inviting us.

Okay, let me tell the
actors that you're here.

Uh, places, everyone!

Mr. Plager, we're all
excited about your play.

I can't wait to see it.

Well, thank you.

I want remind you,
this is a rehearsal,

and I would like to
tell you a little about it.

It's called "All Noisy
On The Western Front."

It takes place in a trench

somewhere in France
during World w*r I.

Uh, we'll take the first scene

through the Major's
entrance, okay?

And you'll have to imagine
a world w*r going on,

with explosions and
shell bursts, okay?

That'll be easy, I'm a veteran.

So am I.

You weren't in the service.

Maybe not, but I sat
through "A Bridge Too Far."

Okay, ready?

Curtain.

Oh! All this shelling has
made me drop a stitch.

What are you knitting?

A duffle bag.

Better make it a big one

if you're gonna
fit your duffle in it.

Those Hun guys
really mean business.

What do you think
got 'em so mad?

I'll bet it was that swampland

you sold them for
a marching field.

Hey, listen, doughboy,

are you saying I've been
dealing with the Hun?

Well, everybody knows you have.

Hartley, do you see
what they're doing?

Uh, we'll talk about
it later, Mr. Carlin.

I hope this shelling
lets up soon.

I have to feed the troops.

I think they'd
prefer the shelling.

At least when you get sh*t
it only hurts in one place.

I'll have you know

I was one of the best
Marine cooks in the Pacific.

When the men at my
chipped beef on toast,

they volunteered
for su1c1de missions.

Mr. Peterson, sit down.

It's just a play.

Okay, give me the secret note.

Okay, here.

Here. But be careful.

If it falls into enemy hands,

Doris will remodel my face.

Give it to me.

There.

Now if it falls
into enemy hands,

at least it'll be worth it.

Dr. Hartley!

They are portraying
me as a wanton woman.

When a customer in
the store asks for a tart,

the manager will point at me.

Oh, I wish Major
Hartman was here.

He'd know what to do.

Oh, golly. Look at this uniform.

If I get it any dirtier,
Doris is gonna k*ll me.

Dr. Hartley, they're
portraying me

as a spineless,
wishy-washy pansy face.

That's not true, Mr. Peterson.

Shut up, you spineless,
wishy-washy pansy face.

Oh! Here comes Major
Hartman now! We're saved!

Oh, Major Hartman,
over here, over here.

At ease, men, nurse.

We're saved.

How can we ever thank
you, Major Hartman?

That won't be necessary.

I'm here to help you get in
touch with your true platoon.

That's all the time we
have left for today's briefing.

You can all go home now.

I just wiped out the enemy.

And cut.

Okay. Okay, Plager.

You're gonna hear
from my lawyer!

You made me look like a coward!

I'll have you know I served
extra helpings to MacArthur!

How dare you
portray me as a hussy!

If my store manager sees this,

he will have me back
picking spiders off the melons.

Well, uh, Dr. Hartley,

what did you think of it?

It worked for me.

Hi, Dr. Hartley.

Hi. Hi, Mr. Plager.

Hi, Mrs. Bakerman,

Mr. Peterson, Mr. Carlin.

It's good to see you're back.

It's, uh... sometimes, you know,

starting off a session
with a little joke

kinda relieves the tension.

And then sometimes it doesn't.

"We are afraid to talk
in front of Mr. Plager

for fear of being
exposed and exploited."

I guess this has something
to do with your play.

I'm willing to discuss it.

Well, that should
get the ball rolling.

Would any of you want to
tell us what's troubling you?

I feel I've been violated.

I wouldn't mind that.

I feel I've been ridiculed.

Plager has portrayed me
as a greedy, materialistic,

money-grabbing mercenary.

I want it to stop...

or else give me a
percentage of the profits.

We feel Mr. Plager
has put things in his play

that should never
have left this room.

Look, I'll admit that the characters
are based on real people,

but I've disguised them so
that they're not recognizable.

What Mr. Plager is
saying, Mr. Peterson,

is that isn't you
in that foxhole.

That's a... simply a
cowering, sniveling...

henpecked... Peterson-type.

Right. I'm suing.

I was only trying to capture

the essence of men at w*r.

How about if we haul your
essence into court, Plager?

Our mutual trust
has been breached,

hasn't it, Mrs. Bakerman?

Not only that, but we've
been made to look silly.

The nurse in the play

is doing straight knitting,

and I knit and pearl.

Well, I'm... I'm sure we
can work something out.

Mr. Plager, you
wouldn't mind making

a few little changes in
your play, would you?

Well, I guess all great works

have been rewritten.

Fine. Now, Mr. Carlin, do
you have any suggestions

on what Mr. Plager
can do with his play?

Let, uh... let me rephrase that.

I know what you mean.

I got an idea for a change.

Why don't you make my
character more lovable, like me?

And the corporal
shouldn't be such a wimp.

I think the nurse should
be nicer, sweeter, smarter,

and built like a brick bunker.

Well, now wait a minute.

I don't think we can
completely destroy

the integrity of
Mr. Plager's play.

Oh, sure. You can say that

because you look
like a hero in the play.

I wasn't affected one way or the
other by my character in the play.

All right, at ease!

What, uh... what
I mean to say is

let's allow Mr. Plager
to make some changes

and then see if that
meets with our acceptance.

All right. I'll work on it
this afternoon at home.

You better make
these changes good

or I'll sic Doris on you.

If you cross me, Mr. Plager,

I will see that you
are single-bagged

in every grocery store in town.

I better like it, Plager,

or all you'll be writing is
checks to Carlin Enterprises.

Dr. Hartley, tell me,

did you have to
rewrite your book a lot

before it was published?

You know, it's funny
you should ask.

One chapter is always sometimes
more difficult than another.

I remember Chapter 6 I had
a great deal of trouble with.

The publisher felt
that the stimulus...

Well, uh, I guess I better
get started on the rewrite.

I guess we can say
that writing is lonely work.

Not as lonely as
talking about it.

You know, Emily, this is my
idea of a romantic evening.

A Bunsen burner, a
beaker of wine and thou.

Oh, honey, I'm sorry
about the chemicals.

It's just for one more night,

so just pretend
they're not there.

You know, Emily, I've
always had a problem

ignoring things that are
gurgling on my dinner table.

Honey, that's just NaCO2

and a pinch of HO6.

Just like mother used to make.

Well, it's just as well.
I'm not hungry anyway.

I had a bad time
at the group today.

Aw. Are they still upset
about Mr. Plager's play?

They were, then I had Mr. Plager
make some changes in his play.

Was it a help?

I'm not sure I told him
to do the right thing.

Bob, is Mr. Plager's
play any good?

Emily, if it were to
drop from an airplane

it would wipe
out an entire city.

Am I late?

I didn't know you were coming.

Good, then I'm early.

Here, Howard, have some salad.

Ah, thank you.
Thank you very much.

Spicy dressing.

Howard, you may have come
up with the first self-tossing salad.

That's fulminated mercury.

I thought fulminated
mercury was a brand of tuna.

No wonder the group
didn't want the play to go on.

I'm not even in the group,

and I didn't want
the play to go on.

Oh, thank you.

But you didn't tell me
Mr. Plager's play was a comedy.

Emily, I didn't know
it was a comedy.

I don't think Mr. Plager
knew it was a comedy.

I wonder how he felt about
the audience laughing.

I'm ruined, Dr. Hartley.

Oh, Mr. Plager, the
audience enjoyed the play.

They laughed at it.
It stinks and I stink.

That's... that's not true.

I felt that your play was...

truly unforgettable.

Really?

It's gonna take me a long time

to erase it from my memory.

You're just saying that
to make me feel better.

No, no, I'm not.
As a matter of fact,

Emily felt the same way.

Did you, Mrs. Hartley?

Mr. Plager, a play like yours

comes along once
in a lifetime... I hope.

You two are wonderful,

but it's no use
trying to cheer me up.

My play is a flop.

Don't be too hard on yourself.

I mean it's wonderful to be
able to make people laugh.

What a wonderful play.

Howard, why are you crying?

I never realized

World w*r I was so gripping.

Well, I'm so happy that
somebody in the audience

understood what
I was trying to do.

Everybody else was laughing.

I hope your group enjoyed it.

The, uh... the group was here?

Yes, I saw them
sitting in the back

when I went out for
my third hamburger.

Uh, well, I hope
you'll excuse me.

I've gotta run.

Where are you going?

I just remembered how beautiful

my apartment is
at this time of night.

I hope you're satisfied, Plager.

Uh, you can't sue me, Carlin.

I don't have any money.

Hey, forget it.
I liked the play.

You did?

Yeah. I'm still not too crazy
about you, but I liked the play.

You know, the people really
seemed to like my character.

I mean, they were
laughing and applauding.

Well, I'm glad you
weren't upset, Mr. Carlin.

I do have a suggestion
for you, though.

Why don't you, uh...
lose the other characters?

Who wants to see a
wimp and and old bag?

Why don't you make it
like a one-man show?

Call it "Elliot
Carlin: Tonight."

Oh, bud?

Why don't you put a little more
hostility into your rudeness?

Mind your own business, creep.

How'd you like it if
I bought this theater

and put you on the
business end of a broom?

How'd you like it if I swept
all the dirt under your rug?

God, I love this guy!

There you are!

Oh, hi. I'm glad
you could make it.

You were wonderful tonight.

Thanks. Like to go
out for a bite later?

You bet.

Let me know when you're
ready for the real thing.

He liked it. I... I...

Now that I think about it,

it was... pretty funny.

There you are, my
darling Mr. Plager.

Ooh, what a wonderful night!

What a wonderful
show! Are the notices in?

You mean, you... you
aren't upset, either?

I thought it was marvelous.
I thought it was boffo.

Did you hear the laughs I got?

Well, I did write some
pretty good jokes.

But that's easy when
you know comedy.

Now, where is the ingénue

who plays me so charmingly?

Oh, there she is.

Well, the gift to
amuse, Dr. Hartley,

is very rare.

Either you have it or you don't.

Well, I'm with you so far.

Mr. Plager, I loved it!

Oh, Emil, of course.
I knew you would.

I thought it was terrific.

Did you hear them
laughing at me?

They even laughed at
Doris. I even laughed at Doris.

I didn't think that
was possible.

You're too kind.

I want to talk to the
actor that played me.

I don't think he understands

the true meaning of wimpiness.

You know, Dr. Hartley,

this is the most
wonderful night of my life,

and I want to take some
photos to remember it by.

Would you excuse me?

Hello, Dr. Hartley.
I'm Phil Morgan.

Oh. Nice to meet you.

Uncanny.

Well, I hope you enjoyed
my portrayal of Major Hartman.

I couldn't have picked
anyone better myself.

Come on, Bob, let's go home.

Uh...

Uncanny!

You two ought to wear nametags.

Hi.

Bob's been telling me all week

what a good job Mr. Plager
did on the casting,

but I didn't believe
it till tonight.

Well, thank you
very much. Pleasure.

Well, everybody, it's
time for the group photo.

Go ahead. Go ahead.

Just kind of move in.

Mrs. Hartley, I wonder
if you'd take the photo.

I really want to be in it.

Oh, of course. Thank you.

Sure. Okay.

Uh-oh.

Will the tall gorgeous
guy move to the back?

You're blocking everybody.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Okay.

Smile.