06x19 - It Didn't Happen One Night

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Bob Newhart Show". Aired: September 16, 1972 –; April 1, 1978.*
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Comedian Bob Newhart portrays a psychologist whose interactions with his wife, friends, patients, and colleagues lead to humorous situations and dialogue.
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06x19 - It Didn't Happen One Night

Post by bunniefuu »

Emily,

What a good idea to
have a nice, diet dinner

When our husbands
are out of town.

Yeah, especially since we
stuffed ourselves last night.

Mm. Mm-hmm.

Mm. I'm so sick of junk food.

Ah. Exactly what I
was talking about.

This is a disgrace,

And you should not
have these in your home.

Delicious, aren't they?

I would k*ll for them.

Carol, are you
giving in already?

We've only been
dieting for an hour.

Well, then it's
time for a reward.

Emily, how very nice you look.

But you shouldn't
have dressed up for me.

No, actually I'm
expecting company.

Well, what am i, chopped liver?

Carol, you're not
company. You're family.

Friend of mine is in
town on business.

He called this afternoon,

So I invited him
over for a drink.

You mean "him" as in man?

Well, if "him" isn't a man,

He's certainly been
fooling his wife and children.

Ah.

A family man.

Where do you know him from?

College.

College. Oh.

You've known him for ages.

Watch it, carol.

Sorry.

When do you expect him?

Oh, he's coming by after dinner.

Who's the extra plate for?

Howard.

You invited howard to dinner?

Well, I did eight years
ago, and he's still coming.

When's bob coming home?

Oh, friday. I can't wait.

Oh, you really miss him, huh?

Yeah. You know, I hate
to be in the house alone.

Well, what am i,
animal crackers?

Would you please
just go get the salt?

Surprise. I came for dinner.

Oh! You could knock
me over with a feather.

You don't mind an
extra guest, do you?

Course not, howard.

Oh, good. Then
you can stay, carol.

The perfect host.

Well, uh, what are
we having after salad?

A good night.

Carol and I decided to cut
down on calories tonight.

Yeah, that's a good idea.

I've been meaning
to cut down myself.

That airplane
food is a bit rich.

Well, why do you eat it?

Well, I usually don't
have time to send out.

Well, then that'll
be good for you.

Yeah. Do you have any
stuff to put on top of this

To give a little more flavor?

Sure.

Oh, thank you.

All I need's some
salami and some bologna

And some cheese and mayonnaise

And mustard, a little
guacamole sauce

And some sourdough bread.

Howard, are you
gonna put all that stuff

On top of your lettuce?

Oh, you're right.

I'll just get rid of
some of this stuff here.

Howard, don't
make a mess in there.

Emily's expecting company.

Really? Who?

Oh, an old friend of
mine from college.

He's in town on business.

You're seeing an old flame

While bob's out of town?

I won't have it. I
simply won't have it.

Howard, it's just a friend.

No, actually, he
is an old flame.

I won't have it. I
simply won't have it.

Will you two stop being silly?

There's nothing between
steve and me anymore.

We're just friends.

Uh, emily, if god had
intended men and women

To be just friends,

He wouldn't have invented hands.

Steve's happily
married, and so am i.

That's him. Good.

I want him to meet you two.

I'm so upset I'm
losing my appetite.

- Emily.
- Oh, steve!

Oh, hey.

I don't like the looks of this.

Emily, you look gorgeous.

Oh, you're just saying that.

And I'm loving it.

Oh, god. You look
wonderful yourself.

Ah, mush, mush.

I want you to meet
a friend of mine,

Carol bondurant.

How do you do?

And this is our friend

And our next door
neighbor howard borden.

Well, uh, howard and I

Better be running along now.

Oh, do you have to rush off?

- I don't.
- Yes, we do.

I mean, you two wanna
catch up on old times.

Come on, howard.
You can buy me dinner.

Yeah, I'm starved. You buy.

It was nice meeting you two.

My pleasure.

Steve, did you bring your
family with you on this trip?

Oh, uh, I didn't wanna
tell you on the phone,

But, uh, marge and
I just got divorced.

Howard, I haven't
done anything yet.

Ah, then you admit
you were going to.

Calm down. Don't you
want your teeth checked?

No, I'd like them all one color.

Okay, just shut your
mouth and open wide.

Now what's all this about
emily and another man?

Uh-huh. Old college boyfriend.

Ah ha. Just got a divorce.

What are you trying
to tell me, howard?

Howard!

I'm gonna pretend
I never heard that.

Howard, it's for you.

Bob returning your
call from cincinnati.

Hello, howard. I
got your message.

What's so urgent?

Howard, what are you eating?

Jerry has some dentist
stuff in your mouth.

Well, take it out, howard.

What's the problem?

Oh, uh, I just want
to tell you, bob,

Things are about the
same as when you left.

Uh, jerry's cleaning my teeth,

Uh, my last flight
was to denver,

Uh, looks like rain out,

And emily's fooling
around with another man.

See ya later.

Well, howard, that'll
sure put his mind at ease.

Well, somebody had to do it.

You know, if you were working
for the state department,

We'd be at w*r with utah?

Only if they want
their canal back.

Look, I just had
lunch with emily.

It is worse than we suspected.

Oh, yeah? Well, what'd she say?

Nothing.

All she said about
last night was,

"Okay, fine, he left early."

Who does she
think she's kidding?

She tried to pull the
wool over our sheep.

You know, it's as though
he's got novocain in his brain.

Come on, you guys.
We gotta do something.

You're making something
out of nothing here.

Jerry, the guy's gorgeous.

If emily were the kind of person

Who'd fall for a
gorgeous human male,

She'd have fallen
for me years ago.

This is no time
for jokes, jerry.

Lover boy's coming over
for emily's for dinner tonight.

Did she say what we're having?

Just emily and steve, howard.

Alone, the two of them... Solo.

What does that tell you?

Tells me I better find
someplace else to eat.

You guys got nothing
to worry about.

Emily's nuts about bob.

I know that, jerry,

But bob happens
to be out of town,

And this terrific-looking
guy emily used to date

Happens to be in town.

I mean, they'll get to
talking about old times.

Who knows what'll happen.

Hey, come on. Emily's
only human, you know.

We really gotta
think this thing out.

I got it!

I'll order chicken
from the colonel.

Em, do you remember that night

You made coffee for me?

I was staying up late
studying for finals.

Yes. That was the first
time I ever brewed coffee.

Little strong, wasn't it?

Oh, it wasn't so bad.

Once you get
passed the first slice.

Yeah.

Kept you up, didn't it?

Yeah. Until last thursday.

Aw.

You know, steve, it
really is incredible.

I mean, good friends don't have to
see each other every day to stay close.

Mm-hmm.

We picked it up right
where we left off, right?

Well, in a way, I
guess you're right.

Just too bad bob's out of town.

You know, you really
would have liked him.

Oh, I'm sure I would.

We have a lot in common...

The same good taste in women.

Oh. He's really a terrific guy.

Is he gone a lot?

Yeah, too much.

I don't know why he'd
ever want to leave.

I haven't enjoyed a
dinner like this in months.

It was wonderful.

You know, steve,

The one subject you've
been avoiding all night

Is, uh, is your marriage.

We tried.

It didn't work.

We called it off.

You know, emily, i...

I'm sure there were things

I could have done.

Probably should have done.

But I didn't.

Oh, steve.

You know, I think you're
being too hard on yourself.

I mean, you've always been
a kind and a sensitive man.

Do you remember that christmas

When I had to stay in the
infirmary with the tonsillitis

And you snuck in
that little, silly tree?

What about the mistletoe?

Ah, now the mistletoe
was a nice touch.

You are the only guy I ever knew

Who had mistletoe
all year round.

Well, I like to b*at
the christmas rush.

- Hi, emily.
- Carol.

Oh, you're not alone.

Who is that?

Steve. Hi, steve.

Hi, carol.

Ah, coffee.

Coffee. I am dying
for a cup of coffee.

Uh, carol, this is a surprise.

Oh, nonsense.

I've always been a
big coffee drinker.

Actually, emily,

I figured out I owed
you $1.43 for lunch today,

So I thought I'd better
come by and pay it.

Uh, carol, you
bought lunch today.

Oh. Ah. Well, then,
you owe me $1.43.

Pay up, deadbeat.

How you doin', steve?

Fine, thanks.

How are you tonight?

Oh, steve, I could
not be better.

I've just taken up
scuba diving, you know.

Why don't you let me
tell you how it's done?

Now, first, you need some water.

Uh, carol, you know, I
always love to see you,

However there are...

Oh, my golly gosh.
Look at the time.

Got a million things to do.

I'd sure love to stay.

Will you excuse me, steve?

Of course.

Have a nice evening.

I'm sorry.

I don't know what
that was all about.

Just when I was getting
interested in scuba diving.

Ah.

Hi, emily. Is bob ready?

Ready for what?

Uh, the bulls game. We're
going to the bulls game.

Jerry, you know
bob's out of town.

Oh, damn, that's right.

What the heck am I gonna
do with this other ticket?

Oh, perhaps you
would like to go, steve.

Have we met?

Ah, yeah, no.

Actually not. No, no, no.

Then how did you know
his name was steve?

You mean I guessed right?

Steve darnell, this
is jerry robinson.

- How do you do?
- How do you do?

Steve, I work in the same
building as the k*ller.

k*ller?

Yeah. That's what we call bob,

Emily's husband,

Ever since that nasty
incident with the three marines.

Jerry, what do you want?

What do I want? Oh, yeah.

I was just trying
to find somebody

To go to the
basketball game with me.

How about it, steve?

Oh, i, uh, I'm not much
of a basketball fan.

Oh, made a mistake.

Actually, they're
hockey tickets.

I don't care much
for hockey either.

What do you like?

Oh, jerry.

Come on.

Say hello to the
k*ller when he calls.

Nice meeting you, steve.

There must be a
full moon tonight.

Hi, steve.

Hi, emily.

What is this, a bus stop?

Howard, what do you want?

What do I want?

I forgot.

Well, is the cup in
your hand a clue?

To what?

To why you're here.

Oh, uh, I came over to
lend you a cup of sugar.

Howard, I have plenty of sugar.

Oh, uh, well, uh, I came over

To borrow a cup of sugar.

You have sugar.

Well, I must need two.

Howard, how can I fill that cup

If it's already full?

Oh, yeah, uh, do I have
time to call carol?

Howard, go home.

Uh, my time isn't up.

I'll get you off the
hook with carol.

Yeah, well, take this
for your trouble.

Howard.

Carol, I think I blew it.

Two, three, four.

Come in, carol.

Steve, if you've got a minute,

I'd like to show you
some pictures of my t*nk.

Will you excuse us?

Carol and I are gonna
go in the den for a minute.

Oh, no, no, wait a
minute. Wait a minute.

Uh, I'll go in the den.

I have to make a quick
phone call, all right?

Thank you.

I'll go dial for him.

Carol.

I want you and curly and moe

To stop this nonsense right now.

Now, I know what you're up to,

And I really resent it.

But, emily, that man...

That is a man who has just

Gone through a
very difficult divorce,

And he needs a friend to
be a little understanding

And to talk to him, and I
intend to be that friend.

And, frankly, you know,

I find your suspicions
to be very insulting.

I'm sorry.

I didn't think of it that way.

Listen, I'll go
apologize to him.

No, no, I will make
your apology.

You won't be bothered
anymore tonight.

I certainly hope not.

Steve, do you like bowling?

Bowling, badminton, darts?

- Where's steve?
- Let's go, dummy.

Right.

Can't believe those guys.

Is your private conference over?

Oh, steve.

I'm so sorry.

I don't know what
came over my friends.

It should be a net.

Oh, you know, they're
really very nice people.

It's... Well, it's just that...

See, they thought
that something, uh,

Something romantic was going on.

You mean they thought
some of the old magic

Might still be working?

Well, I guess they
thought that, uh,

You know, what we had
before might not be over.

You mean they thought that
something like this might happen?

Uh, yeah, I guess that is, uh...

Kind of what they had in mind.

Steve, i, uh... I think
you better leave.

No, let me rephrase that.

I mean, i, uh... I know
you better leave.

Emily, I didn't plan this.

But I think... I think
I still love you.

I, uh, I'm positive
you better leave.

Can't we just talk this over?

Uh, just write me.

Emily, I'm sorry.

I thought I knew what
was going on here tonight,

But I guess I didn't.

Thanks for the dinner.

Well, you're... You're welcome.

And, uh, it was nice
seeing you again.

Yeah.

Is, uh, steve gone?

Yeah, uh, he had
to leave suddenly.

We decided to come
by and apologize.

Yeah, we really feel
like fools right now.

I don't feel any different.

We know what we did was awful,

But our intentions
were really good.

I tried to tell these people
they were making a mistake.

I mean, I've been around.

Took one look at that steve guy,

And I knew he wasn't the type

Who'd make a pass
at a married woman.

He just made a pass at me.

I knew it. His eyes. Shifty.

Lucky he isn't here,
or he'd be sorry.

- Take it easy.
- Hey!

Oh, I'm really starting
to feel bad about this.

I mean, I was so hard on him.

I mean, I just got so upset.

You know, I just lost my head.

Why are you feeling guilty?

He's the one who made the pass.

Oh, you don't understand.

I mean, it's...

See, steve's not
really in control

Of his feelings right now.

You know, I think, uh...

I think I'm gonna go call him

And leave a
message at his hotel.

Maybe we can have
dinner tomorrow night.

Did you hear that?

A nicest, warmest,
most generous...

Get together tomorrow
and talk it all out.

I don't like the sound of this.

Emily may not realize it,

But she's got strong
feelings for that guy.

What are you gonna do?

I don't think we
should do anything.

We made big mistakes tonight.

Listen, think how
awful it would be

If anything ever came
between bob and emily.

Oh, what a terrible thought.

Who's gonna get custody of me?

Emily, I understand the man's

Going through a
very difficult period.

It'd probably be a good idea

To talk to him again and
explain your feelings.

Of course I remember you
mentioning steve before.

Emily, I'm not jealous of him.

You've never been jealous

Of any of my old sweethearts.

Well, of course I
don't talk about 'em.

It's not the kind of thing
you talk to your wife about.

How many?

I... I don't know.

There was, uh,
ruth... Uh, sally.

Well, i... I know that's two.

There were others.

Uh, uh... Uh... Uh, mary.

Uh, jenny.

Uh, kathleen. Uh, paula.

And the girl who worked at
the speedy plumbing and heating.

Look, emily, I've
gotta stop now.

Well, this is a
long distance call.

Things are going very well.

I've been doing a lot of tv
interview shows, you know.

Coffee with phil,

Coffee break, time
out for coffee,

Coffee talk with connie.

The interviews are good,

But I'm having a hell of a time

Trying to get to sleep at night.

Steve.

Emily.

I hope I didn't keep
you waiting long.

No, just 12 years.

Please sit down.

I'm really glad you called

And asked me to meet you.

Well, I didn't wanna leave
things the way they were.

I think that, uh...

Well, I overreacted a little.

Have you, uh, given
some more thought to us?

Steve, there is no us.

You see, what you're feeling

Is a reaction to being alone

After all those years
of marriage, and...

Steve.

For you, I'm... I'm comfortable.

What do you think?

The veal looks good.

Did you see? That
guy just winked at me.

Howard, that's jerry.

The orthodontist?

He's signaled us. Now
he's going to his station.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, aren't you dr. Robinson?
The orthodontist?

Uh, no, no.

Sure you are.

You fixed my kid's teeth.

What are you talking about?

He comes to you every tuesday.

Hey, let me rephrase that.

He used to come to
you every tuesday.

You know, i...

I've been so unhappy
these last few months.

I guess I was just
looking for a happier time.

Those were happy times
for me too, steve, but...

My life is different now.

I mean, I'm really
very happy, and...

And I think you
will be too soon.

Thanks for understanding.

Are we still friends?

Of course we're friends.

We'll always be friends.

Now... Kiss me.

But make it a friendly one.

I knew it. She's falling for
him hook, line, and sinker.

Now that weird guy's
making gestures at me.

Howard, that's jerry!

Boy, that's a good disguise.

Shall we dance?

Oh, I'd love to.

You were always a
wonderful dancer.

They're dancing.

It's him again.

Howard, it's jerry!

Oh, yeah, right.

I won't make that mistake again.

- Do something.
- I know.

Don't worry. Don't worry.

I'll take care of it.

Excuse me.

What the hell are you doing?

The bossa nova.

I have never been so
embarrassed in my life.

Well, I only had one lesson.

Carol made me do it.

Oh, now that weird guy's
coming on with carol.

I think that's jerry.

Boy, that's a good disguise!

That's it.

Now let's get this
settled once and for all.

You all sit down.

Emily!

Just sit.

Now, I don't know what's
come over you three people.

What makes you think
that anything or anybody

Could ever come
between me and bob?

But even women who
love their husbands

Sometimes get tempted.

Right.

Steve's a very handsome
and desirable man.

Don't get me wrong, steve.

Well, bob may not be
a matinee idol to you,

But he is beautiful to me.

I mean, he has a beautiful
smile and beautiful eyes.

I like his ears.

You know, the really... The
really beautiful thing about bob

Is the inside, you know?

His sensitivity.

The way he knows what I'm
feeling when I'm feeling it,

The way he knows
when to hold me,

When to leave me alone.

When to talk to me
when I need to listen,

And when to listen
when I need to talk, and...

Every day our marriage just
gets stronger and stronger,

And, I mean, I would never

Do anything to jeopardize that.

So now, if you will excuse me,

I'm going to have dinner

With my friend steve,

And I'm gonna go home and
I'm gonna call my husband

And tell him how
very much I love him.

Thank you.
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