02x12 - Blues for Mr. Borden

[bunniefuu]

- [ Rings]
- Hello?

[Emily]
“Step :

“Trim out tissue from notches
in strut gussets...

“on bottom of L- ...

“and attach wing to fuselage
with mucilage...

making sure the wing is clear
of the hydro-brakejoint strut.“

You got that, Bob?

Emily, why don't we just
skip the instructions...

and we'll try to build it on instinct?

Well, I think little Howie is lucky...

to have Wilbur and Orville building
a plane for him while he's asleep.

Howie just loves airplanes.

The other day, I took him on the Des Moines-
Davenport-Cedar Rapids-Sioux City route...

and hejust loved it.

Sounds like the kind of flight
only a kid could love, Howard.

I think it sounds like fun.

Yeah, they even stopped him
at the gate for carrying a concealed toy.

- One of those squirt cannons.
- Oh, yeah.

I saw him in the hall with it yesterday.
He was marching up and down.

- He was so cute.
- Well, that's my little boy.

Then he hit the deck, and he started
blasting me with water balls.

- Isn't he cute?
- Only cute because he missed, Howard.

Yeah, well, he's a great kid.
He'sjust like a son to me.

I've never had him
for a whole week before.

- Lois has been so nice lately. - Well, maybe
she's starting to like you again, Howard.

Yeah. When I handed her
the alimony check...

and she handed me Howard...

it was the first time I didn't
feel like I was renting him.

Well, why don't we put it in the hangar
tonight? I think Fvejust about had it.

Wait a minute. Aren't we gonna finish it?
I told Howie we'd finish it by tomorrow.

- All right. We'll finish it tonight, Howard.
- Great. Well, I'll see you.

- Howard?
- Yeah?

- How about the plane?
- Oh, well, you can give that to me at the office.

I'm taking Howie to seejerry Robinson.
He's having his teeth checked.

He has an overbitejust like Lois.
There's two things I regret in my marriage.

That's the alimony and the overbite.

[ Door Opens, Closes]

Bob, wouldn't it be great if Howard
and Lois got back together again?

Emily, why don't we leave that
up to Howard and Lois, huh?

Well, Bob, I'm not gonna make any phone
calls. I just want Howard to be happy.

Emily, if you really want Howard
to be happy, what is step ?

Oh. Step is...

“Affix the horizontal flam snap
to the inboard flap.“

You think little Howie knows
what a horizontal flam snap is?

I kinda doubt it, Bob.

This is the third job I've been
fired from, Dr. Hartley.

I just don't understand.
What can it possibly be?

Well, unfortunately, people
do tend tojudge other people...

by their appearance.

I mean, after all, you are
an insurance salesman.

Yeah, and I'm the greatest.

But high sales didn't mean nothin'
to thatjive boss of mine.

He told me I had to look like
the rest of the dudes at the office.

Well, if you enjoy selling insurance...

you may just have to change
your image a little.

I don't know, man.
I've gotta be me.

Well, you should be you,
Mr. Billings...

but, uh, maybe you should try
to look like someone else.

Hey, maybe the shades
are too much.

How about that?

Well, it's-it's a start.
I'm afraid our time is up.

Oh, thanks, Dr. Hartley.
You're a mean cat.

So are you, Mr. Billings.
And- And so is your dog.

Come on, Whitey.

- Hey, excuse me.
- Yes?

Is there a sandwich machine
on this floor?

Sandwich machine? Uh, yes.
Right down that, uh, hail.

Good. Whitey ain't eaten all day.
He loves sandwich machines.

Bless his heart.

Well, I hope they leave the serial number,
so we can order another one.

Hi, Bob. Hi, Carol.
ls Howie finished yet?

Oh, no, Howard. He's still
having his little teeth checked.

Bob, did you finish the plane?

Oh, I'll have it
for you tonight, Howard.

I'm having a little trouble
assembling the little tiny stewardess.

Hi, Oh, did Dr, Robinson
give you all this stuff?

- Uh-huh.
- He must have really hurt you.

- No, he didn't.
- Not a bit, Howard.

By the way, he checks out fine,
except for a slight overbite.

- It's just like yours, Howard.
- Mine? I thought it was like Lois's.

Very often when people live
together for a long time, Howard...

they start to chew
like each other.

Well, we got a fun day planned. We're going
to the grocery store, to the dime store...

and to the cleaners
and to the Laundromat.

Sounds like my last date.
Well, I'm going to lunch.

- [ Elevator Bell Dings]
- I'll send you a bill, Howard.

- Howie, remember when you brush, it's
the end with the bristles. - Okay.

Howard, the elevatofs going up.

- Oh, that's okay. We'll take a ride.
- Howard, I don't wanna take a-

He's a real cute kid.

Oh, he sure is, Bob.
Great gum formation too.

You know, that Howard's a different
person when that kid's around.

It isn'tjust the kidJerry. I, uh, think
Lois has something to do with this.

- What about Lois? - I think Howard
is thinking about seeing her again.

_ ' No!
Why no?

Well, because I think
she's been seeing somebody else.

The whole time the kid
was sitting in the chair...

he kept talking about his mother
and some guy called Uncle Mickey.

Well, maybe, uh- maybe Lois
has a brother named Mickey.

No, Bob. I think this sounds more
like a permanent date situation to me.

Sit, Whitey. Sit.

Dr. Hartley, I left
my satchel in your office.

Is that a new patient
of yours, Bob?

Yeah, he's
an insurance salesman.

Yeah. I bet he's good at it.
[Chuckles]

If he came into my office with that clog,
I'd buy anything he was selling.

You know, I think this is the first
one of these I ever finished.

- You must be pretty proud of yourself, huh?
- Yeah, I am.

I almost finished one once.
All I had to do was put on the propeller.

I guess my brother was jealous...

'cause he came in the room,
and he- he took it...

and he threw it on the floor,
and he stomped on it...

and he broke it into its
original million pieces.

Boy, I was so mad at him, I went
into his room and short-sheeted his crib.

That's strange.

All this time, I thought it was
the smoking that stunted his growth.

Emily, has-

has Howard ever mentioned
a brother-in-law named Mickey?

No, I don't think so, Bob. Why?

- I wasjust-just wondering.
- [Knocking]

- Who is it?
- [Whispering] It's me. Can I come in?

[Whispering]
Sure. Why are you whispering?

Howie's asleep. I didn't want to wake him.
These new cereals are so noisy.

- What kind of cereal is it, Howard?
- Cherry Bombs.

You pour milk on 'em,
and they just go crazy.

Oh, look at that!
Is that beautiful!

Oh, we did a great job, didn't we?

- Oh!
- Well, I think I'd better move it over here.

We wouldn't want it destroyed
in a Cherry b*mb expl*si*n.

I guess they're duds, Howard.

They'rejust lying there,
slumped over in milk.

Howard, you ought to take
little Howie to the zoo today.

I heard on the news that
a baby rhinoceros was born.

I'd love Howie to see that.
Gee, that'd be great.

It's time he learned about the bees
and the rhinos. You know something?

Maybe I should have his motherjoin us.
It's kind of important. He might ask questions.

Oh, that's nice.
just the three of you.

- Maybe you and Lois could get back together.
- Emily.

You know, she has been
awfully nice to me lately.

I think l'll- I think I'll take her out
again. I'm gonna give hera call.

Howard, uh, maybe-
maybe you shouldn't.

It's all right, Bob.
It's not a toll call.

Hello?

Oh, I'm sorry.
I must have the wrong number.

Oh, is this ME -O ?

Oh, well, I'm sorry.
I was calling Lois Borden.

Yeah, she must have
changed her number, huh?

She didn't?
Well, who's this?

Mickey? Mickey.

Oh, well, can I talk to Lois then?

No, that's okay. Don't-
Don't call her from the shower.

Just tell her that Howard called.

Right. Yeah, she knows me.

Yeah, you- you have a nice day too.

Mickey? Mickey?

I knew a Mickey
who d*ed in .

Even if he didn't, why would he
visit Lois and not me?

Well, I think
I'd better get to work.

Howard, I, uh-
I have a : appointment...

but I can always cancel it
if you, you know, want to talk.

No, I don't want to talk,
Bob. I'm fine. Fine.

Well, we'll talk later.

[Knocking]

- Hi, Bob.
- Hi, Howie.

- H ; Howie.
- Hi, Howie.

Hi, Daddy. Can I have
my Cherry Bombs now?

Yeah, come on and sit down
and have your breakfast.

Howie, uh, I called your mother,
and somebody named Mickey answered.

Oh, Uncle Mickey. Great.
He must be all moved in.

- No, Howard!
- [Airplane Smashes]

- Where's Bob, Emily? I've gotta talk to Bob.
- Howard, he's, uh-

I gotta talk to him because no one
can help me with my problem.

I gotta talk to Bob because he's my friend,
my neighbor, and he's a psychologist.

No one in the world can help me.
No one will ever understand what my problem is!

Well, Howard,
Bob's got group tonight.

Well, then I'll talk to you.

Howard, I'm not any of the things
you just mentioned.

I've gotta talk to somebody.

Maybe you can say some of the things
Bob would because you know him so well.

Well, I'll try, Howard. Now, come on in
and- andjust sit down, huh?

That's good. I'd better sit down
and just relax for a minute.

Yeah. Now,
what's the problem?

She did it! She's living
with another man!

I mean, she's living
with Uncle Mickey!

Well, uh, go on
with that, Howard.

- That's good.
- [ Sighs]

That's good, Emily. That's what Bob
would say. Go on. Where was I?

- With Uncle Mickey.
- Yeah. I just took Howie home.

- And you met Uncle Mickey? - No, Uncle Mickey
wasn't there, but a lot of his things were-

suitcases, shirts, Lois.

She said she didn't tell me
because she didn't want to upset me.

Why does she think I'd be upset?

- Because, Howard, you are upset.
- Sure, I'm upset!

Wouldn't you be upset if Bob
was living with another man?

Well, I-l thinkl know
what you mean, Howard...

but, you see, Bob and I are married,
and you and Lois are divorced.

So it's different. I mean, because she's
free to do whatever she thinks is best.

But it's not best.

I mean, it's a bad situation.
I mean, especially for Howie.

I mean, a woman living
with a man. It's not normal.

Well, Howard, it is happening more and more, and
you're gonna have to come to terms with it.

I mean, maybe Uncle Mickey
is good for Lois.

- Maybe he's a nice guy.
- He's not a nice guy.

That's not true, Howard.
You haven't even met him.

I don't have to meet him.
I know what he's like.

I saw his uniform
hanging in the closet.

It's a long, with four stripes.

He's a pilot. A pilot!
You know how that makes me feel?

I mean, I thought she left me
because she didn't like me.

Now I find out she left me
because I was a navigator.

I mean, she's
an airline groupie!

Howard, now look. You've got to calm down
and be logical about this.

You're talking about logic, and I've got
a pain right here in the pit of my heart?

- Oh, Howard.
- That's okay. That's okay.

Don't worry about me.
I'm gonna be strong.

I'm gonna be very strong.
In fact, I'm gonna be violent!

- Violent?
- Yeah. No more Mr. Nice Guy.

I'm gonna get in my car.
I'm gonna drive over there.

I'm gonna go up to the door,
and I'm gonna knock on it! I'm gonna-

I'm gonna give her some flowers.

Well, Howard, that doesn't sound too violent
to me, unless you're gonna throw 'em at her.

No, I changed my mind. I'm gonna win
her back. That's what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna win her back. I'm gonna woo her
and court her and give her gifts.

I'm gonna win her over.
I'm gonna make her mine!

Howard, are you sure
that's what you really want?

No. But I don't want
Mickey to have her either.

I'm going to buy her some gifts now.
I don't have any money.

Howard, I got your message.
I got home as fast as I could.

- What's the problem?
- Bob, can you loan me $ ?

[Phone Rings]

Dr. Hartley's office. Hi, Howard.
Yeah, he's herejust a minute.

It's Howard.
He says it's an emergency.

Oh, that, uh-
that reminds me.

- Uh, remind me to remind Howard
that he owes me $ . - Right.

Hi, Howard.
What's the emergency?

Wha-Wha-What about Lois?

Didn't she like
the flowers and the gifts?

Oh. Oh, she wasn't.

Well, did-did Uncle Mickey
like the flowers and the gifts?

Well, what do you think
ofhim, Howard?

Did you tell him any
of those things to his face?

He's six foot six.

You told him a couple
things to his neck.

Howard, look, it's normal for you to be upset
because your wife is seeing another man...

but, I mean, you see other women.

Well, whether Lois knows it or not,
you're still seeing other women.

Look, I have an idea.

Yeah, why don't you just let this
Uncle Mickey thing run its course...

and then pick it up
wh-when they're through?

You don't think that'll work.

Oh. Well, look at it this way, Howard.

At least they were nice enough
to invite you to the wedding.

Well, I don't even know
how you can lie down and relax.

Well, there's no point
in both of us pacing.

I mean, you're doing such a good job,
I don't want to interfere.

Bob, do you know how long
Howard has been missing?

Emily,just because
you can't find a person...

that-that doesn't mean he's missing.

Well, it's usually
a pretty good indication.

Well, I don't know
what more we can do.

I mean,jerry's helping.
Carol's helping.

We listen to newscasts every I minutes
and bulletins as they break.

Well, I'd like to find Howard
before he breaks as a bulletin.

Emily, I-
He isn't at his apartment.

He isn't at the airport.
I don't know where else to look.

That's his world:
his apartment and his airport.

I know. I called the flight supervisor. He's
not scheduled for a flight for another week.

- Well, there's nothing more we can do.
- Well, we haven't called Lois.

-I called her.
- And what did she say?

She said, “Don't worry. He'll turn up.“
And she invited us to the wedding.

Well, I mean, is that it, Bob?
Are you just gonna give up? Is that it?

[Sighs]
All right, Emily.

I'll get dressed, go down to the police station,
and I'll file a missing persons report.

Oh, thank you, honey.
That makes me feel so much better.

Then I'll go to Mama Catuzzi's Pizzeria.

You think Howard might be there?

No, I'm hungry.

May as well bring something back.
We aren't gonna sleep tonight.

- [Knocking]
- Bob, that must be Howard!

[Knocking]

OhJerW-

Hi, Bob and Emily. I'm sorry to barge in on you
so late, but I thought you'd want to know.

- Know whatjerry?
- About Howard.

- What about him?
- [ Slurring] Couldn't find him anywhere.

You came all the way over here
to tell us you couldn't find Howard?

Carol and I spent the whole night
looking in all the singles bars.

- Wh-Where's Carol?
- Oh, she got picked up.

Emily, do you suppose that I could impinge
upon myself to have a cup of coffee?

[ Laughs] I think that's
an excellent suggestiomjerry.

- Why don't you, uh, sit down, huh?
- Good. Thank you.

Uh,jerry, I'll drive you home.
You can leave your car here.

I don't have my car, Bob.

The guy who took Carol home
borrowed my car and dropped me off here.

Oh.

Do you realize how many people
fit Howard's description?

Medium height, medium weight,
slight overbite.

[Knocking]

Oh, that must be Howard!

- Oh, Carol.
-[Slurring] Hi, Emily.

- Hi.
- HLJer. Here's your keys.

Carol, I-l thought
you had a date.

Oh, Bob, even though I met
Mr. Right, it didn't work out.

Did you find anything out
about our friend Howard?

No, Mr. Right didn't
have any information.

Emily, weren't you
gonna fix some coffee?

Yeah, well, I put on a little coffee,
but I think I better put on a lot.

Oh, Bob, now I know I am swacked...

but underneath all of this swackiness...

I am very concerned.

Well, I'm gonna get dressed
and go down to the police station.

Oh, mercy. What are we
gonna do about Howard?

- I'm back.
- Oh, Howard!

Any phone calls
or messages or phone calls?

- Oh, you're all right!
- So are you, Emily.

- It's Howard. Howard!
- Howard!

Howard, we've been looking
all over for you.

Oh, well, you should have found me,
'cause that's where I've been- all over.

- I was flying.
- Yeah, we- we can see that, Howard.

No, no. I had complimentary
champagne cocktails on the airplane...

and I didn't feel it at all.

I was completely sober.
But then when I landed...

I had this big
coconut drink.

That's the one that
did it to you, Howard.

Yeah, I don't know what happened to me.
I think somebody slipped me a Mickey.

You know, that's the second Mickey
somebodys slipped me this week.

Howard, you'vejust been flying around
in an airplane for three days?

Yeah. First stop was Moline.

I knew we should have looked there.

Then St. Louis and San Francisco...

and then Brisbane and Lisbon
and then Helsinki...

and then back to Moline,
and then Oshkosh, Wis-

Then to Osh-

Os h-

Oshkosh, Wisconsin.

Howard, I was just on my way to the police
station to file a missing persons report.

It's a little late, Bob.
Can't you do that in the morning?

Emily, didn't earlier this evening
someone mention coffee?

- Oh, yeah.
- Make that two.

- Make it three.
- I'll make it five.

This is like a drunk t*nk.

You guys mind if I try
to come in and sit down?

No, Howard. Come on in.
I will helpyou.

Thank you.

Excuse me.

- ThankyouJerry.
- That's all right.

Were you worried about me too?

I was worried about you, Howard.

- So was I, Howard.
- Well, that's really nice.

Thank you for caring, but you didn't
have to worry about me at all.

I was up there in the clouds thinking
andjust getting my head together.

Well, Howard, did you, uh,
come to any conclusions?

Yeah, I did.

Over Brisbane, I realized that
Lois wouldn't be there anymore.

And when I was dating
and playing the field...

I always thought that
no matter what happened...

like England,
there would always be a Lois.

And at the end of the rainbow,
she would always be my ace in the hole.

Are you IisteningJerry?

I think so.

- Are you listening, Carol?
- No.

Good. Then when I realized
it was all over between me and Lois...

I said to Melinda,
“It's all over between me and Lois.“

Melinda? Who's Melinda?

Melinda's the stewardess.
She was with me on the whole trip.

She made me realize that, well, Howie
would have more love with two daddies.

She made me realize that Lois and Mickey
were all right for each other...

and Lois and me
were wrong for each other...

and Melinda and me
were not bad for each other.

That's all there is to it.

[Sighs]

[Sighs]
Well, I'm going to bed, g*ng.

Excuse me.

Emily, did I just down
that entire cup of coffee?

- Yes, you did, Howard.
- Was it steaming hot?

Yes, it was, Howard.

[Howard Screaming

- Hi, Dr. Robinson.
- Hi. How are you?

Hi, Howard. Okay, Howie,
let's check out those choppers.

Well, how was the wedding?

Well, the wedding was beautiful.
Lois was beautiful.

- Even Uncle Mickey was beautiful.
- Ah.

Are the honeymooners on the road?

Yeah, I carried an awful lot of luggage to
the car. I thinkl threw my shoulder out.

Well, suitcases can be heavy, Howard.

No, I threw the rice too hard. Some of
the grains lodged in Uncle Mickey's face.

Well, at least it's over.

Yeah. Well, I get Howie
for the whole honeymoon.

And as soon as he's finished with his teeth,
we're going to take him to the zoo.

- We? Who's we?
- Me and his Aunt Melinda.

- Ah, Howard!
- Ahh!

[ Mews]