02x17 - The Modernization of Emily

[bunniefuu]

- [ Rings]
- Hello?

Filet mignon is
. a pound?

That's almost
four dollars a pound.

Yeah, I know
it's expensive, honey...

but I can't recreate our first anniversary
dinner without filet mignon.

What about this?
It's only cents a pound.

- What is it?
- “Mystery burger.“

Why, Dr. Hartley.

- Oh, what a nice surprise.
- Well, h-hi, Mrs. Bakerman.

Uh, you know my wife, Emily.
This is Mrs. Bakerman. She's a patient of mine.

- Sure. I know Mrs. Bakerman. Hello.
- Hello.

- Welcome to my check stand.
- Well, thank you. It's, uh- It's very homey.

Excuse me, Mac.
Excuse me.

Is this the express line?

We don't have
an express line.

Oh. Uh-
Can I go ahead of you?

No.

I'm sorry, but you'll
have to wait your turn.

- I'll move as fast as I can.
- Hmm.

- Well, how's everything?
- Fine.

Do you notice anything
different about me, Dr. Hartley?

Uh, is it your-your hair?

No.

It's my box boy.
You were right.

I spoke up to my store manager,
and he gave me one.

- Isn't he nice?
- Yes. Yes, he is.

Uh, could we see him
in action?

Well, surely you can.

Now, let me see.
What have we purchased today?

[Gasps]
Filet mignon.

I remember that.

It's, uh, . a pound.

Uh, no. That's . a pound.

It was this morning,
but I'm afraid it just went up.

This is filet mignon.

Treat it very carefully,
and remember to double bag.

Hi there.

Bob.

That boyjust
winked at me.

You want me to b*at him up?

I'll bet you don't remember me,
Miss Harrison.

Miss Harrison? Gee, I haven't been
Miss Harrison for a long time.

- You were my third grade teacher.
- I'm afraid that's not possible.

Uh-l mean, you're much too old
to have been a student of mine.

You must be about, uh,
what, ?

Eighteen. Ten years ago I was eight,
and you were my teacher atjackson Elementary.

Oh, uh- Don't tell me who you are.
Let me see if I can guess.

- Um, um, Dennis Whipple?
- No.

- Uh, Bobby Karf?
- Nope.

- Oh, I'll get it. Uh-
- isn't it wonderful what's happening here?

I'm overcome.

She was his third grade teacher.
They're having a little reunion.

Oh, that's great.
In the meantime, my mystery burger is melting.

- Give me a hint.
- Roy.

_
- Pa rkh u rs t.

Roy Parkhurst. Of course.
Little Roy Parkhurst.

Bob, this is
little Roy Parkhurst.

- Howdy.
- Hi, little Roy.

Oh, Roy.
It's so nice to see you.

I can't believe a student of mine
is in high school already.

No. College.

College?

Well, I-l never
would have recognized you.

How did you, uh,
recognize me?

- You look pretty much the same.
- Oh?

Except older.

Well, it's-
it's been O years.

- It sure has.
- And- And my hair is a lot shorter.

- Yeah, I guess that's it.
- Yeah.

- You still teaching? You haven't retired, have you?
- No, I'm-

I'm still hanging in there.

Well, that's it,
Dr. Hartley.

Your grand total is . .

I can write a check,
can't I?

Of course you can write a check.
Why, I've known you for years.

There you are.

Do you have any identification?

Oh!

- That was a great dinner, Emily.
- Oh, thank you, dear.

Better than our first
anniversary dinner?

I think so. Our first anniversary,
you boiled the filet mignon.

Yeah. Well,you didn't
seem to care.

We didn't eat dinner till : in the morning.
Do you remember?

- Yeah, I sure do. - Then on our second
anniversary we ate at midnight...

and on our third at : ."

and lastyear at :
and this year at : sharp.

You think that
means anything, Bob?

I think it means on our golden anniversary
dinner will be breakfast.

Well, it doesn't matter what time it is.
It was a great dinner.

Yeah, but the tomatoes
were a little squishy.

I think Roy put them
on the bottom of the bag.

You know, Bob, I still can't believe
he was a student of mine.

Emily, it's not your fault. They probably didn't
teach double bagging till the fourth grade.

No, I mean I still can't believe
a student of mine is years old.

Bob, do you realize
I've been teaching for O years?

When you say it that way
it sounds like a long time...

but, uh,
look at it this way:

It's only been one decade.

Oh.

Sounds much better
when you say it that way.

And if you think that it's only been
/ Oth of a century, it's no time at all.

Well, happy anniversary,
honey.

I hope you like them.

- I had them specially made.
- Oh.

- Oh, pajamas.
- Yeah.

How'd you know
I needed new pajamas?

Well, your old ones
had holes in the feet.

They're beautiful, Emily.
They're so silky.

Well, they're real silk, Bob-
from the Orient.

“Specially made for
Dr. Robert 'Hartrey.'"

Oh, no.
I told them Hartley.

- Well, it doesn't matter. I- I love it.
- Oh. Thank you, dear.

Where's mine?

I've been hiding it
right over here.

- Oh.
- Happy anniversary.

Oh, Bob. That's heavy.

Well, it can't be
a negligee.

Loud jewelry?

Well, whatever it is,
I know I'm gonna love it...

and it's gonna be nice
because you gave it to me.

A blender?

A Blenderizer. You- You've been hinting
about you wanted one.

A Blenderizer?

Well, it- it- it's not just a Blenderizer.
It's a -speed Blenderizer.

I mean,
it's the best they make,.

lt- It not only purees, it chops, it mixes,
it liquefies, it pulverizes.

And you're not crazy
about it, are you?

Well, it- it's not that, Bob.
it's just that I didn't expect a blender.

I mean, I-l kind of
pictured something, uh...

a little more personal.

- [ Doorbell Buzzes ]
- Hmm. Glad I didn't get the trash masher.

- Hi, Bob.
- Hi, Howard.

L, uh, brought you some champagne.
Hi, Emily.

- Happy anniversary.
- Oh. Thank you, Howard.

It's very thoughtful.

Well, I thought champagne would be
the appropriate gift to buy for an occasion like this.

- Oh.
- Well, let me, uh- Let me read the card.

There's a card?

“Good luck in flight school.

Love, Mom and Dad.“

Oh, look at these.
Wow. Are they pretty silk pajamas. Wow.

What did you get, Bob?

Silk pajamas, Howard.

Oh, they're yours.
Oh. What'd you get Emily?

A blender.

Izer.

Yeah. I gave my mother one like this
for her th birthday.

You know, Bob,
you're a lucky guy.

If I ever gave Lois anything that practical,
she would have hated it.

I mean, she liked frilly
and lacy things, you know?

Just because she was
so dainty and so feminine.

Emily is so sturdy.

H-Howard, why don't you
open the champagne...

- and we'll drink to our anniversary
and flight school. - Yeah.

Oh, I love champagne.
French champagne. From France.

You know, Emily...

champagne is-
is like a woman.

The older it gets,
the better it gets.

Here we go.

Door Closes

What's wrong?

- I better go see, Howard.
- [ Door Closes]

That means she's in the bathroom.
She wants to be alone. I'll just wait.

Yeah, I understand.

Lois used to go into the garage.

When she slammed the door,
the whole neighborhood knew it.

The only thing I know for sure is
I'm definitely going to a ski resort this weekend.

But I don't know where I'm gonna go
or who I'm gonna take. Pass the hot sauce.

I guess I could take Linda
to Surgarbush.

She's lousy on the slopes,
but fantastic in the- Mustard?

I don't know. Maybel should
forget about Linda and Surgarbush...

and take Sally
to Sun Valley.

She's a great skier,
but she does have this-

- {Intercom Buzzing]
- Rwy, excuse me.

- Yeah, Carol?
- Emily's still not home, Bob.

- Try the beauty shop.
- I did, Bob.

And the dry cleaners, the school,
her favorite dress shop.

Bob, no luck.
Trust me.

...this whiny,
high-pitched voice.

But, you know, I could take Angela skiing
and solve both problems.

What?

Bob, you're not listening. I'm sitting here
with a problem, and you keep interrupting me.

I'm sorry,jer. I guess I'm preoccupied.
I got kind of a problem of my own.

Well, why didn't you
tell me, Bob?

I mean, whenever you've got a problem,
you know I give you my undivided attention.

- I'm not sure it's so much-
- You gonna finish your potato salad?

- No.
- Okay.

Well, go on. Go on.

Well, um, last night Emily and I,
we celebrated our fifth wedding anniversary.

It wasn't so much a celebration.
It was more like a- a fight.

What'd you, uh, fight about?

I don't know.
She- She wouldn't tell me.

Do you know how frustrating it is
to talk to a bathroom door all night?

Then when I got up this morning,
there was no sign of henjust a note.

- What'd it say?
- It said “The breakfast is in your Blenderizer.“

Jerry, I- I'm afraid
she's gonna do something drastic.

The last time she was
in a mood like this, she was-

she was out all day, and she came back,
and she was a blonde.

Then the time before that,
she had her ears pierced.

- I'm afraid to go home. I don't
know what to expect. - [Knocks]

Here she is, Bob.

Emily?

- Is that you, Emily?
Jerry, this is a patient of mine.

- Nancy Dansk, unjerry Robinson.
- Oh.

It's, uh, doctor, Bob.
Dnjerry Robinson.

You, uh, look like a skier.
I bet you ski, don't you?

I've never been on skis.

Oh, well. Doesn't matter.

Excuse- Excuse me for saying this,
but as long as I'm here...

you're a very pretty girl.

- You're downright dazzling.
- Thank you.

Uh, you've got some bologna
in your teeth.

- Emily?
- In the bedroom, Bob.

Don't come in.

Are you, uh-
Are you all right?

- Ifee/ terrific.
- Good.

I have a surprise for you.

- You aren't blonde, are you?
- of course not.

- You haven't had anything pierced?
- No, no.

Good.

Well, what do you think, Bob?

Uh- Uh, groovy.

Bob, I really want to know
what you think.

I, uh- I-l like it.

Yeah?I mean,
I want your honest opinion.

-I like it.
- Bob, I mean, I really want to know what you think.

Emily, I think that's
the stupidest-looking outfit...

I have ever seen
in my entire life.

Door Closes

Door Closes

Three doors?

She- She's determined
to change her image.

- How does she look?
- Ridiculous.

Oh, come on, Bob.
Emily could never look ridiculous.

Jerry, you can't say that.
You haven't seen her.

I thinkyou're overreacting. Today people dress
however they want, and they look fine.

Look at me. I'm over .
I'm still a fashion pacesetter.

- Somehow you can pull it offijerry.
- Well, so can Emily.

She's every bit as attractive
as I am, Bob.

Maybe it's you. Maybe you have to
bend a little bit, Bob.

Stuffyourselfinto a body shirt
every once in a while. Wear some flares.

Jerry, in order for me to dress right
to look right with Emily...

- I'd have to dress like Donny Osmond.
- [Knocks]

Ah, Bob.
HLJer.

Listen, Emily called and wants you to pick up
the mixers for the anniversary party tonight...

because, uh,
she doesn't have time.

Oh, that's right.
She's got her tap dancing class this afternoon.

- Tap dancing?
- See,jerry?

I'll see what you mean tonight.
I'm coming to your party after all.

- What happened to your ski weekend?
- Oh, well...

if it's a choice between
having a fantastic weekend...

at a wonderful snow lodge
with a gorgeous snow bunny...

or coming to my friends'
anniversary party...

I'm gonna choose my friends'
anniversary party every time.

Couldn't get a date,
could you,jer?

Nota nibble.

Doorbell Buzzes

Hi, anniversary boy.

- Hi, Howard. Come on in.
- Hi.

- Hi.
- You must be Bob of Bob and Emily.

I'm Rosalie Shaeffer.

- Oh, I'm sorry. This is Bob Hartley. Rosalie Shaeffer.
- Hi.

- Nice meeting you again.
- Yeah.

Oh, have you two met before?

- Wejust met up there, Howard.
- Oh, yeah.

Uh, I got a gag gift. Funny, funny, funny.
[Laughs]

Well.

Hi, everybody.

Hi, Emily.
That's, uh...

really shiny.

- And faded.
- Oh, well, Howard, it's supposed to be.

It's the newest style. Everything's recycled.
I mean, the more faded the better.

Ah, well, then it's the best.

I think it's kind of funky,
don't you?

That's, uh, the funkiest
she's ever looked.

Oh, Emily, this is Rosalie Shaeffer,
and this is your gift.

- Oh, hello. Thank you. Come on in, Rosalie.
- Thank you.

- Howard's told me so much about you.
- Oh?

- But you're not at all what I imagined.
- Yeah. Me neither.

Oh? Well, uh.
what did you expect?

Well, I don't know.
You're- You'rejust so much younger.

- Oh, really?
- Yeah.

Oh, I like her, Howard.

- Well, I'll fix some drinks. - Um, uh,just
some white wine for me, if you've got it.

- L- I've got it.
- I'll have a bourbon on the rocks.

- Uh, Emily?
- Oh, I'll have a scotch and soda.

Don't worry.
I have my I.D. card.

I'H help you
with the drinks.

So, Rosalie, what do you do?

- I'm an elementary school teacher.
- Really?

- Well, so am I. Where do you teach?
- Commodore Sloat.

That's close to my school. You should come over
sometime at lunch, and we can talk.

- We have so much in common.
- Oh, I'd love to.

Then maybe you and Bob
could come on over to my place.

Or we could go out.
Do you like Chicken on a Stick?

I don't know. I never had it.
I mean, I like it in the basket.

No. Chicken on a Stick
plays rock music.

- Oh, that Chicken on a Stick.
- Yeah.

Yeah, well, I-
I just love them.

- Him.
- Him.

L-I really do love
your place, Emily.

- Oh, do you? Would you like a tour?
- Oh, sure.

- Well, uh, that's the terrace.
- Oh, it's nice.

- Yeah. And, uh, right here's the den.
- Okay.

- Let me show you.just go right through here.
- Thank you.

Well, uh, what do you
think of her, Bob?

That's the youngest girl
I ever went outwith.

Welcome to the club, Howard.

- [ Doorbell Buzzes ]
- That must be Carol andjerry.

- Ah!
- Emily, is that you?

- Come on in.
- Here, anniversary party boy.

And here we are back again.

- Here's the kitchen, and there's Howard.
- Thank you.

Oh. Hi, Carol.
HLJer.

Jerry, you remember Emily,
the leader of the pack.

WelLJerry, it's a new look.
You gotta get used to it, you know.

- I'm used to it already, and I love it.
- Doya?

Carol, what do you think?

Carol?

Oh, what do-
Oh, I-What do I think?

Oh. Well, you know,
I was thinking about it...

and I wasn't sure
what I thought.

- But now I am.
- Yeah. So?

- I'm not so sure.
- That's how Bob felt.

Jerry, this is Rosalie,
and you know Howard.

- Hi, Howard. Hi, Rosalie. How are you?
- Hi.

- Howard.
- Well, why don't we open up the gag gifts?

- Right.
- Oh, yeah.

Okay. Open up mine first.

Oh. You're gonna
laugh your head off.

- This is yours, huh?
- Yeah.

- Gonna laugh my head off with-
- Yeah.

- A tin can?
- Yeah.

Uh, tin for your
th anniversary.

This is our-
our fifth anniversary.

That- That's the joke.

[Howard Laughing]

Uh, and a darn good one,
Howard.

Here, you two.
Happy anniversary to the both of you.

- Thank you.
- Right.

[Laughs]

- [lacking teeth?
- Right, right. And you don't have to brush 'em.

Just wind them up
after every meal.

Oh, Emily, Emily. Before you open that up,
I wouldjust like to say one thing.

Now, that is no longer
a gag gift.

What, you afraid
yourjoke's gonna b*mb, Carol?

No. lt'sjust that I feel that anniversaries
are solemn occasions...

and every once in a while you need a serious gift
that's in impeccable taste.

Okay. Well, let's see.

“To Emily,
who has perfect taste...

a gift that has none,
from the house of tacky.“

Carol, that does not
sound too serious to me.

Let's see.

- Uh, why don't we take another look
at the apartment, okay? - Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Come on, j er.

Well, it, uh,
could be worse, Emily. It...

could be the whole outfit.

Bob.

I'm never gonna be able to
face our friends again.

I mean, I really
made a fool of myself tonight.

I just looked stupid
and dumb and silly.

Admit it.

I'll admit it if you promise
not to run out of the room.

-I promise.
- I admit it.

- Oh, Bob, why didn't you tell me that earlier?
- I did tell you.

Well, why didn't you keep telling me
until I believed you?

Emily, why did you do it?

I don't know.
I just-

I felt undesirable as a woman
and housewifey and old.

I mean, Bob, if you give me a blender
for our fifth anniversary...

it's not a bigjump
to support hose.

Well, I- I guess there are some things
you've- you gotta find out for yourself.

I mean, I remember when
I was back in high school.

- Shouldn't I sit down for this?
- Oh, yeah, right. Sit down, Emily.

Emily, when I was in, uh-
in high school...

during the summers I used to
go up to the Wisconsin Dells...

'cause that's where
all the great-lookin' girls were.

And I could never get to
first base with any of them...

'cause there were
seven million lifeguards...

and they were all
big and blond.

Everybody up there
was big and blond.

So, one day, I clipped an ad
out of the back of a magazine-

a Charles Atlas ad.

And every day I'd practice
his method of dynamic tension.

You- You know what
dynamic tension is?

Not another one of those
rock groups, is it?

[Clears Throat]
No, it's...

pitting one muscle
against the other muscle.

So, I finally got
all my muscles pitted, and...

it- it still
wasn't enough.

I wanted to be blond.
So I-l put lemon in my hair...

and I sat in the sun
for hours.

Then I felt I was-
I was finally ready.

I went up to the lake
and went up to...

the greatest-lookin'
blonde girl there, and I-

You know, I kind of flexed my muscles
in front of her, and- and I introduced myself.

You- You know what happened?

She kicked sand in your face?

No. She- She went with me
the whole summer.

Bob, I don't think
I understand the point of this story.

Well, Emily, the point
of the whole story is...

she was only interested in-
in my looks.

I mean, once the summer was over,
my- my hair faded...

and my- my subscription to
the Charles Atlas course expired.

And that's the point
of the story?

Emily, the- the point
of the story is...

you gotta be what you are.

I mean, I- I want you to know
that whoever you are...

I love you.

I love you too.

- You know what, honey?
- What?

I've got a good idea.

Why don't you put
those silk pajamas on, and I'll-

I'll slip into
a negligee and-

- Yeah? - We can go out in the kitchen
and cut up some vegetables...

and throw 'em
in the Blenderizer and...

let them just whip themselves
into a frenzy.

- You're never gonna let me forget that, are you?
- No.

[ Mews]