02x18 - The Jobless Corps

[bunniefuu]

- [ Rings]
- Hello?

Here's your breakfast.

A brownie?

Bob, that's not a brownie.
That's a breakfast smidgen.

Do you know
that one smidgen...

is the equivalent of
a halfa grapefruit...

three buttermilk pancakes
with maple syrup...

two eggs over easy, a side of ham
and a big glass of milk?

Gee. I really didn't want
that much to eat.

All I really wanted was a cup of coffee
and some orangejuice.

Why don't you just
lickyour fingers?

Emily, the next time you try a breakfast
experiment, try it on an astronaut.

Honey, I've gotta get to work,
and you said you had to get in early.

Yeah, I do. I have my first session
with my- my out-of-work workshop.

Out-of-work workshop?

Yeah. A lot of-A lot of
my people are out of work...

and I thought I'd bring
'em together as a group...

and they could see
how bad off everybody else is.

- [Knocking]
- Come in.

Howard}
We can't.

We?

- [ Sighs]
- Well, come on in, Howard. Bring your friends.

Well, here they are, Emily.
Take good care of them while I'm gone.

- They're all I've got.
- Okay, Howard. I'll water them every day.

Yeah. Distilled water and, uh, plant food.
Uh, they like plant food.

Do they like
breakfast smidgens?

I don't think so. But they like to be talked to.
Be sure you talk to 'em.

Oh, Howard,
I just feel funny talking to plants.

You remember what happened
last time you didn't talk to 'em?

My rhododendron passed away.

All right. I'll talk to them this time,
and we'll take very good care of them.

Well, little fellas.
This is it.

Have a nice time here.
It's a real nice place.

And, uh, real nice people.
I thinkyou'll enjoy it.

And I'll be back
in three days.

Unless something happens.

Unless, uh,
what happens, Howard?

Uh, excuse me, Bob.

Come here a minute.

Uh, don't tell
the plants, uh...

but, uh, there's
a navigators strike in the air.

We maywalk.

Well, I hope you land
before you walk, Howard.

Oh, Howard, I hope you don't go out on strike.
There are enough people out of work.

I was reading this article, and it said with
the possible recession and the energy crisis...

in some cities, one out of three people
may be out of work.

- One out of three? Wow.
- Well, gotta go to work.

Yeah. Me too.

Uh-oh.

- Hi, Dr. Hartley.
- Oh, hi, Mr. Herd. Hi, everybody.

- Go right in. I'll be with you in a minute.
- Hi, Doctor.

What's going on, Bob?
I've never seen that group before.

That's because they've never been
a group beforejerry.

They're, uh- They're all unemployed,
and I'm starting an out-of-work workshop.

What are you charging 'em?

Haven't really thought about it.
They're all, uh- They're all broke right now.

Well, let's see. As long as they're coming to you,
they can't afford to pay you.

And when they can afford to pay you,
they won't need you anymore.

If you're really successful in this, Bob,
you may be in that workshop yourself.

Hi, Carol. Hi, Dr. Hartley.
Sorry I'm late.

Hi, Mr. Carlin. What, uh-
What are you doing here?

I changed your session
to Thursday at : .

I left a message on the answering service.
Didn't they tell you?

They told me, but they always
get everything wrong, sol didn't believe it.

But they were right
this time, Elliot.

- Uh-oh.
- What's, uh- What's wrong?

Maybe my shirts are ready.

Uh, Mr. Carlin,
I have a- a new group meeting in there.

Oh, a new group?
I'll try it. I'll try anything.

Uh, Mr. Carlin, I don't, uh-
I don't thinkyou'd-you'd fit in.

- Oh, I understand. Yeah.
- No, it isn't that.

It's just that, uh, they're all unemployed,
and you've got a pretty good job...

and they're kind of depressed
and despondent, you know.

Sounds like fun.
I'll sit in.

As long as you're here.

Oh, I-l guess you, uh-
you all know each other.

Yeah. We all know each other
from the unemployment line.

Except we don't know him.

Well, uh, Mr, Carlin, you want to-
want to introduce yourself?

Oh, fine. Yeah.

I'm Elliot Carlin,
and I'm a real estate tycoon.

- You mean you're currently employed?
- That's right.

Then what are you doing here?

I'm having a lot of trouble
with my girlfriend.

Uh, you see, Mr. Carlirfs
been out of work before...

and I thought we might
benefit from his experience...

if, uh,you all
go along with that.

It's fine with me, as long as he doesn't
flaunt hisjob in our faces.

- Okay.
- All right. Fine. Let's get started.

Now, uh, how's the-
thejob hunting coming?

I just got through with an interview,
and I didn't get thejob.

- You went to an interview looking like that?
- Of course.

I'm a hairdresser,
and this is my demo.

Very, uh-
Very professional, Shirley.

Mr. Vickers, how's everything
going with you?

Lousy.

Nobody has any use for you
when you're .

I was with the same company
O years.

- What company was that, Vickers?
- Vickers and Sons, Incorporated.

Now it's just
Sons, Incorporated.

The minute I turned ...

my son called me into
the office and said...

“Happy birthday, Dad.
You're finished.“

Well, at least
they told you to your face.

Why don't you go along
with that, Mr. Plager?

Well, all I get are form letters
and rejection slips.

I'll tell you. It's not as easy as it looks
to be a television writer.

What kind of stuff
you write, Plager?

Well, you know how the networks
are always talking about fresh, new concepts.

Uh, I just spent
three months developing...

an offbeat musical variety show,
and they turned it down.

I told you about that,
Dr. Hartley.

Yeah. I always felt it maybe
was a little risky...

to have a comedy show
called the, uh- The n*zi Hour.

Not if you don't use helmets.

Well- Well, at least
all of you have had a career.

You've had a lot of
careers, Mr. Herd.

Yeah, but none
that have lasted.

I guess it's because
I've always been heavy, you know.

And all I ever wanted to do
were thin things.

- Like what, Herd?
- Well, I loved horses...

sol tried to be
ajockey.

That didn't work out.

So I joined a rodeo.
You know, bronc busting.

Well, I busted one up pretty good,
so they asked me to leave.

Well, at least you're
trying new things. Um...

I think the group might be interested
to know that, uh-

that Mr. Herd is selling
brushes door-to-door.

Vacuum cleaners.
Brushes didn't work out.

- How many have you sold?
- None.

I guess my sales pitch
isn't strong enough or something.

Well, why don't you, uh- you try
your sales pitch on us? Maybe we can help.

-I dunno.
- Yeah. Go ahead. Try it on me. I'm a pushover.

- In this room here, in front of all these people?
- Yeah.

Well, we- we very often simulate
actual working conditions.

Why don't you go outside
the door and, uh...

Shirley will be the housewife
with her hair in curlers.

Okay.

I've seen this in group before.
It really works.

You, uh- You can knock,
Mr. Herd!

' [Knot
k Wews]

Hello. My name is Ed Herd, and I represent
the Suction King Vacuum Cleaner Company.

I know you already
have a vacuum cleaner...

but you don't have anything like this one, because
this is the finest vacuum cleaner ever made.

All I want to do is come into your home
and demonstrate it for you.

- Gee, I don't think so.
- Oh, okay.

- Mr. Herd!
- Dr. Hartley, he's getting on the elevator.

Mr. Herd, you don't have to
simulate leaving.

And sometimes
it doesn't work at all.

[Whistling]

All right, you guys-

Now, I want you to know
I-l really-l really feel stupid doing this...

but if I don't talk to you, Howard is gonna
blame me for this, and it's not my fault.

Now, I fed you, I watered you, and I gave you
a place to stay while Howard is gone.

Now, he's coming back.
You know that.

He's a navigator.
You knew that when you signed on.

So just stop looking
so droopy and melodramatic.

Hi, honey.

Bob. What are you doing
with a vacuum cleaner?

- L, uh-l bought it from Mr. Herd.
- Why?

Well, it was his first sale, and I thought it'd,
you know, build his confidence.

I guess we can give the one we have
to your mother.

I have one for my mother
in the car.

That was his second sale.

Uh-huh. I'm glad he wasn't
selling mobile homes.

This is really
a terrific vacuum cleaner.

Well, honey, we have
a terrific vacuum cleaner.

Yeah, but we don't have one
that'll suck the skin right out of the sofa.

- What?
- No, it's true, Emily.

Uh, every seven years,
the human body sheds a layer of skin.

Bob, that is disgusting.

Not really.
Mr. Herd explained to me...

how all the residual
dirt and hair and skin...

can be pulled right out of that sofa
by this machine.

- What are we having for dinner? - Well, I
certainly don't feel like talking about food now.

- [Knocking]
- Hi, Bob. Hi, Emily.

What are you doing here? You should be at
one of those exotic cities you're always going to.

Oh, well, the strike hit in Milwaukee,
if you call that exotic.

I was on the bus
for, uh, nine hours.

What is this?
You only had 'em for one day.

Oh, Howard, I'm really sorry.

I could probably destroy the Everglades
if I had 'em for a week.

Well, that's okay. I'm gonna be able to spend
some more time with them now anyway.

You don't seem very upset
for somebody who's on strike.

It's not gonna be a long strike.
I mean, we hold all the cards.

Can't fly a plane
without a navigator.

We haven't had-
We haven't had a raise in three years...

and our fringe benefits
are way below average.

I mean, management
is running scared.

- How do you know they're running scared?
- They said if we went on strike...

they'd replace us
with computers.

I mean, you gotta be scared
to say that.

Don't you?

Oh, Howard, I almost forgot.

You got this telegram
about an hour ago.

Oh, great.
The strike's over.

- They probably want me to come back to work
tomorrow morning. - Oh, congratulations.

- Congratulations, Howard. - Yeah, Howard,
you just won the shortest strike on record.

Howard?

Howard?

Emily, I have the feeling he's not as happy
as we are to hear the strike is over.

Is, uh, something wrong,
Howard?

“Dear Ex-navigator...

“Services no longer required.

“You've been replaced
by a computer.

“Severance check
will be mailed.

“Ask about our special rates
to Hawaii andjapan.

Fly us.”.

- Hi, honey.
- Oh, good morning, sweetheart.

- I wondered where you were.
- Yeah, I got up early and, uh...

I didn't want to bother you,
sol started jogging.

- How far did you jog?
- To the lobby.

It looked like rain, sol did three laps
around the security guard...

and then I came up here.

I feel great.
I think I'll get back in bed.

Oh, honey, I wish I couldjoin you,
but Howard'll be here any minute.

- Again? - Yeah, Bob. You know, I
don't know what to do with him.

I mean,
he hangs around here all day.

He's got all that time
and nothing to do with it.

Do you know he offered to clean, dust and wax
our floors? I don't know what to tell him.

Tell him not to forget to
do under the refrigerator.

Oh, Bob, it's not funny.
It's like he's a servant or something.

[Knocking]

Well, uh, where do you
want me to start?

Howard, why don't you start with a nice, big
breakfast? Would you like a bowl of oatmeal?

Well, I might as well.
You are what you eat.

- Guess I better change my clothes
and get down to, uh- - Work?

- That's, uh- That's right, Howard.
- Must be a nice feeling.

I used to work.

I used to be
the wings of man.

Howard, sit down.

Howard, you know, when, uh-
when I was in high school...

I played drums in the marching band,
and then, uh...

when I was stationed in Korea I was with
the rd Combat, uh, Support Orchestra.

They said I had the- the best wrists
south of the th parallel.

So, when I got out of the service,
I didn't even go to college.

I went right to New York,
and I auditioned for the Buddy Rich orchestra.

And I-l really thought
I did great, you know.

After the audition,
Buddy came over, and he said...

“You stink, man.“

And I-l was crushed, you know?
I-l knew it was all over.

But, I mean, if that
hadn't happened, I, uh-

I wouldn't have gone to college,
and I wouldn't have become a psychologist, and I-

I wouldn't have met Emily, and I wouldn't
be half as happy as I am right now.

You understand what
I'm trying to say, Howard?

Oh, I'm sorry.
I wasn't listening.

You know, Howard,
I've been thinking about it for a while, and, uh-

Well, I didn't know whether
you were ready for it or not, but I-

I thinkyou are. Uh...

I have a group
down at the office-

an out-of-work workshop-
and I-

I think we might be
able to helpyou.

It'd only take
about an hour of your time.

Okay, Bob. I'll go to the office with you,
but I just want to tell you one thing.

- What's that, Howard?
- I don't do windows.

- How long does it take to get through
dental school? - Six years. Six tough years.

Excuse me.

- Am I in yourway?
- Well, I have something to do.

- What?
- I have to get over there.

- Oh, I'm sorry.
- What's the matter with you, Howard?

I'm out of work.
Did I mention that I'm out of work?

Yes. Yes, you did. Several times.
But why are you sojumpy?

Well, I've never been
in analysis before...

and in a few minutes
I'm going tojoin Bob's workshop.

- That's not exactly analysis.
- Look,jerry. You're a friend of Bob's.

Look. When they're in the, uh- When they
close the doors, what- what goes on there?

Is there any screaming?

If there is I don't hear it.
There's always so much screaming in here.

Come on. I mean, really,jer.

Well, oh, all they do, I think,
is they, uh, sit there, and you talk about yourself.

Yeah, well, I'm too depressed to talk.
I'm out of work.

- Did I mention that I was out of work?
- Yes, yes, yes.

Just cheer up, will ya?
Look. Here.

Have a balloon.

Oh, Howard, uh, Bob's group is here,
and they're ready for you.

WelLJer, this is it. Uh...

I just, uh,
wanted to tell you that, uh-

Well, I appreciate you
giving me the balloon.

- Okay, Howard.
- Well, lead the way.

Follow me, my son. Ow.

Bob, Howard.

Oh, hi, Howard.
Howard, this is, uh- this is the group.

Group, this is
Howard Borden.

He's a neighbor of mine, a very good
friend of mine, and he's gonna join us today.

- Hi.
- Welcome, Howard.

- How you doin', Borden?
- Oh, not too good. I lost my job.

Wonderful.
Have a seat.

Uh, before you get started...

would anybody like
a cup of coffee?

- Black, with sugar.
- I'll have a halfa cup of coffee with cream.

- Double cream, double sugar.
- Hot tea.

- Do you have any chicken soup?
- Mr. Carlin?

Nothing for me, thanks.
I just had a huge, expensive meal.

- Bob?
- No. No, thanks.

- Ah. - On second thought, I'll
have my usual with half the cream.

- I'm on a diet.
- I'll have his cream. I'm not on a diet.

Could you just put
a little milk in my tea?

- On second thought, I will have a hot chocolate.
- Hey! You got hot chocolate?

- Yeah. - I'll have that, but I'll
still take sugar and cream in it.

[Mouths Words]

Wow. That was hard.
Boy, I bet she doesn't get that right.

Bet? How much?

W“, SD cams'.!

Adollar?

How about five dollars?

Wow. I don't know.
I'm out of work and-

I know she's gonna get it wrong,
and I could use the money. Okay, five dollars.

- You're on.
- Well, ifall the bets are down now...

I guess we can go on.

[Clears Throat] Since, uh, Mr. Borden
has never been to our group before...

why don't we fill him in on some of
the progress we've made this week?

Well, my company bought a bank
and repossessed three farms.

Mr. Carlin, I meant some of the members
who are maybe less employed than you are.

Oh, that's right.
I wasn't supposed to do that, was I?

But we did.

Uh, Mr. Vickers,
you want to work first?

Well, I took my oldest son
out to dinner...

and I asked him
if I could come back to work.

- What did he say?
- Well, he was very nice about it.

And he said, “Sorry, Dad.
You know the rules. You made 'em.“

Then he said if I ever brought it up again,
he'd never let me see my grandchildren.

Oh, boy.
can I relate to that.

It reminds me of a lot of
guys I've worked for.

They use you, and then
they throw you away.

Shirley, why- why don't you
tell us about your week?

There's nothing
to talk about.

I spent all week
walking the streets again with no results.

You shouldn't have
any trouble in this town.

This is the convention center
of the world.

What do you mean
by that?

Uh, Shirley is
a hairdresser, Howard.

Oh, that's- that's good too.
That's good.

Well, I didn't have
a bad week.

I think one of the networks is interested
in an idea I have for a new TV series.

Is this another one of those...

Third Reich-type shows?

No. This one
takes place in Rome.

It's a situation comedy.
It's called Dam That Pope.

Think it has a chance?

Well, the main thing is you're-
you're in there pitching. Uh-

How about you, Mr. Herd?
You having any luck with the vacuum cleaners?

- Encyclopedias.
- You- You switched?

Yeah. I only sold
two vacuums.

You know,
to you and your mom.

So they took away
my territory.

Well,you got into
something else real quick.

Yeah, I had to.
I gotta eat.

Excuse me, Mr. Borden. Are you here
to watch, or are you going to work?

How can I work?
I don't have a job.

No, Howard. When we say “work“
we mean talk.

Okay. Uh, all right.
What do you want to talk about?

Well, we- we talk about work.

There isn't anything to talk about
because I don't have any work.

Come on, Borden. Spill it.

Well, what can I say?I mean, uh,
I had ajobjust like anybody else.

- Only mine was up there.
- Oh, what were you? A minister?

No. I was a navigator
on ajumbojetliner.

- No kidding. How long were you with them?
- Nine dedicated years.

Boy, I really flew my heart out
for those guys, and where did it get me?

I mean,
replaced by a computer.

Oh, we've all been replaced.

So don't you come in here
with a long face feeling sorry for yourself.

At least you're out of
a terrificjob.

You've flown to
the four corners of the Earth.

That's right. You've seen the world.
You've soared like an eagle.

You've had a- a life
of excitement and challenge.

I think there's a series
in this.

Cockpit Capers.

Howard, I think what the group is
trying to say is-

I know what
they're trying to say.

They're trying to say
they don't like me.

Aw, we like you fine.

It's Carlin we don't like.

Oh, yeah? You don't like me?
Welcome to the club.

Every girl I ever knew
broke my heart.

Every friend I ever had
deserted me.

Every dog I ever owned
ran away from me.

You know, Elliot,
all of a sudden...

I likeyou.

- Really?
- Yeah.

When you opened upjust then,
there was another side to you...

that was warm and honest
and vulnerable.

I'd, uh, really like to
get to know you better.

You're gonna break my heart,
aren't ya?

Wow. That was really nice.

I'm glad you feel that way, Howard.
That's sort of what we do here in group.

You know, we relate to each other,
we bolster each other.

I mean, there's a lot more to life than-
than being employed.

You've- You've got a lot
to be thankful for.

- Like what?
- Well, you-you have a fine son.

Oh,yeah. Howie.
Yeah, he's a good boy.

- How old is he?
- Ten.

Wait till he grows up.
He'll turn on you.

You have- You have
good friends, Howard.

Yeah. I guess you're right, Bob.
I mean...

you're a good friend,
and Emily's a good friend, and...

I think everybody here's a good friend,
even though I don't know your names.

You know, I'm very glad about
what's happening here, Howard.

You, uh- You got a lot
going for you.

Yeah. I thinkyou're right.
Things are bound to get better.

Okay. Black with sugar.
Halfa cup with cream.

Hot tea with milk.
Your chicken soup.

The usual with half the cream. Hot chocolate
and hot chocolate with cream and sugar.

You owe me five bucks, Borden.
Cough it up.

- They look great, don't they?
- Yeah.

So does the set
we already have in the den.

Yeah, but you can never have
too much knowledge.

If we didn't have these
and I wanted to look something up...

I'd have to trudge
all the way to the den.

Well, I could
pack you a lunch.

- [Knocking]
- Come in.

Ta-da.
What do you think, huh?

You, uh- You join
the navy, Howard?

No. I joined a new airline. A better one.
One that still uses navigators.

- Oh, yeah? What's it called?
- Ed's.

- Ed's Airline?
- Yeah. E-D-S.

Uh, European Delivery Service.

I don't think I've ever ridden
on that one, Howard.

Well, you would've had to have been
in a crate. It's, uh, for cargo.

You know, foryears I was in London and Paris
and Madrid and Acapulco...

but this has opened up
a whole new world for me, you know.

I better get going.
I've, uh, gotta get to, uh, Craigloggen.

Craigloggen?

- [ Door Closes]
- Look it up.

[ Mews]