OH, GOD.
NOT AGAIN.
OKAY, OKAY.
THERE'S NO NEED TO PANIC.
LET'S JUST CALM DOWN.
ARE YOU WET?
DO YOU NEED TO BE CHANGED?
DID YOU DREAM PAT BUCHANAN
WAS HIDING UNDER YOUR BED?
YOU CAN'T BE HUNGRY.
YOU JUST ATE...
(sighs)
... MINUTES AGO.
LOOK, YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE
TO GIVE ME
A LITTLE MORE OF A HINT
THAN THIS.
LISTEN, I GOT THESE BOOKS.
YOU SEE THIS BOOK HERE?
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE SLEEPING
FOR THREE HOURS AT A STRETCH.
IT'S WRITTEN BY AN M.D.
SO I THINK A PROFESSIONAL PERSON
JUST MIGHT KNOW A LITTLE MORE
ABOUT THIS SLEEPING BUSINESS
THAN YOU.
LOOK, I DON'T MEAN
TO BE CRITICAL.
AFTER ALL,
I THINK IT'S IMPORTANT
THAT A MAN BE ABLE TO CRY
BUT I REALLY THINK
YOU'VE MASTERED IT
AND IT'S TIME TO MOVE ON.
(crying continues)
OH, COME ON.
IS THIS ANY WAY TO CELEBRATE
YOUR FIRST NIGHT HOME?
LOOK.
I REALLY DIDN'T WANT TO DO THIS
BUT YOU'VE JUST
LEFT ME NO CHOICE.
(baby crying)
♪♪ HERE COMES MISTER... ♪♪
♪♪ DUCKY FACE ♪♪
♪♪ HOPPING DOWN....
♪♪ THE DUCKY PLACE ♪♪
♪♪ WACKETY QUACKETY...
QUACK QUACK ♪♪
AW, GEEZ.
(door opens)
OKAY, WHERE IS HE?
WHERE'S THAT
PRECIOUS BUNDLE?
OH, HOW I ENVY YOU.
THE HOURS OF MATERNAL BLISS
YOU MUST HAVE SPENT
ON YOUR FIRST NIGHT...
WOW, WERE YOU RECENTLY
DRAGGED BY A HORSE?
AS A MATTER OF FACT, ELDIN,
YES, I WAS.
MY COMANCHE PAPER BOY STOPPED BY
TO COLLECT
AND I REFUSED TO PAY UP.
LISTEN TO ME
BECAUSE I'M TOO TIRED
TO SAY THIS TWICE.
THE PRECIOUS BUNDLE IS UPSTAIRS
ASLEEP FOR THE FIRST TIME
IN HOURS
AND IF YOU DO ANYTHING
TO CHANGE THAT
I WILL RIP OUT YOUR VOCAL CORDS
AND YOU CAN WEAR THEM HOME
AS SUSPENDERS.
I CAN SEE
THE TENDER HORMONES
OF MOTHERHOOD
HAVE YET TO REACH
THAT PLACE
IN YOUR BRAIN
THAT CONTROLS SPEECH.
ELDIN, I'M SORRY.
LAST NIGHT
WAS THE LONGEST NIGHT OF MY LIFE
AND THAT INCLUDES THE NIGHT
BELLA ABZUG STOPPED BY
TO SHOW ME SLIDES
OF HER DUDE RANCH VACATION.
YOU'RE GOING THROUGH
A PERIOD OF ADJUSTMENT.
YOU'VE BEEN ALONE FOR MANY YEARS
AND THEN A WHOLE NEW LIFE FORCE
ENTERED THE HOUSE.
SOMEONE WITH A DIFFERENT RHYTHM,
A DIFFERENT SENSIBILITY.
BUT YOU GOT USED TO ME
AND YOU'LL GET USED
TO THE BABY TOO.
I UNDERSTAND YOU
MOST OF THE TIME.
HE'S A COMPLETE MYSTERY.
THE BOOK SAYS THERE'S ONE CRY
WHEN HE'S HUNGRY
ANOTHER WHEN HE'S WET,
ANOTHER WHEN HE'S TIRED.
THEY SOUND THE SAME.
IT'S LIKE HAVING A CONVERSATION
WITH A PORPOISE.
WELL, HAVE NO FEAR,
LITTLE MOTHER
BECAUSE HELP
HAS ARRIVED
WITH THE NEW
SWING 'N' SNOOZE
BY BABYMASTER
CONSTRUCTED
OF DURABLE SPACE-AGE POLYMERS
RIGHT HERE IN THE U.S.A.
AND GUARANTEED
TO LULL YOUR CHILD TO SLEEP
IN YOUR CHOICE
OF THREE DIFFERENT SPEEDS--
SLOW... MEDIUM...
AND Z-Z-Z-ZING!
"WHERE'S MY BABY?"
I MADE THAT LAST PART UP.
THIS IS SO GREAT.
IF THIS WORKS, IT WILL
PUT YOU IN THE TOP TEN LIST
OF "WHAT TO NAME THE BABY"
IN BETWEEN ROBERT KENNEDY BROWN
AND DESMOND TUTU BROWN.
WILL YOU HURRY UP
AND NAME THIS KID?
IT'S NOT HEALTHY.
HE'S FOUR DAYS OLD.
HE'LL BE STUCK WITH THIS
FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE.
I WANT TO MAKE SURE
I PICK THE RIGHT NAME.
WHAT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED TO YOU
IF YOUR PARENTS
HAD NAMED YOU CLARK?
CLARK... CLARK BERNECKY.
WHOA, WHOA!
I SAW A WHOLE DIFFERENT LIFE
FLASH BEFORE MY EYES.
I THINK IT REVOLVED AROUND
THE INSURANCE BUSINESS.
COULD WE DISCUSS
THIS LATER?
I'M INTERVIEWING NANNIES
AND THE FIRST ONE'S DUE
ANY MINUTE.
I JUST HAVE TIME
FOR A QUICK SHOWER.
WE CAN FORGET QUICK.
WE'RE LOOKING
AT A -MINUTE PRESOAK, MINIMUM.
WHILE YOU'RE DOING THAT,
I'LL SNEAK
A PEEK AT THE LITTLE NIPPER.
ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?!
THAT KID CAN HEAR
A MARSHMALLOW DROPPED
ON A CARPET A BLOCK AWAY.
HE'S GOT THE EARDRUMS
OF A PERUVIAN FRUIT BAT.
TAKE THIS MONITOR
AND STAY IN HERE.
IF YOU NEED
TO LOOK AT A KID
THERE'S A PICTURE
OF ONE ON THAT BOX.
THIS IS
EMOTIONALLY SATISFYING
ESPECIALLY
WITH THIS PRICE STICKER
RIGHT ON HIS FOREHEAD.
(doorbell rings)
OH, GOD.
I REALLY NEEDED THAT SHOWER.
I'M STARTING TO GROW MOSS
ON MY NORTH SIDE.
HELLO. I'M MRS. JENKINS.
I'M HERE
ABOUT THE NANNY POSITION.
YES, WELL, COME RIGHT ON IN.
NICE TO MEET YOU.
I DON'T USUALLY LOOK
LIKE THIS.
I'VE BEEN ON MAGAZINE COVERS,
REALLY.
THEY'RE FRAMED
IN THE GUEST ROOM UPSTAIRS
IF YOU'D LIKE TO TAKE A LOOK.
OH, THERE'S NO NEED
TO APOLOGIZE.
YOU'VE JUST HAD A BABY.
BESIDES, I THINK
YOU LOOK WONDERFUL.
OH, SURE,
AND IF YOU DON'T TAKE
THIS NANNY POSITION,
YOU CAN ALWAYS GET A JOB
AS ONE OF THE PRESIDENT'S
ECONOMIC ADVISORS.
MRS. JENKINS,
THIS IS ELDIN BERNECKY.
I'D LOVE TO VISIT,
BUT I'M WATCHING THE BABY.
ELDIN...
SO... HERE WE ARE.
MM-HMM.
UM, I HAVE TO ADMIT
I'M NOT QUITE AS PREPARED
AS I'D HOPED TO BE.
I READ YOUR RESUME LAST NIGHT
AND HOPED TO REFER TO IT TODAY
BUT IN A MOMENT OF CONFUSION
AT : A.M.
I USED IT FOR A PURPOSE
FOR WHICH
IT WAS NOT ORIGINALLY INTENDED.
YOU'LL BE HAPPY TO KNOW
THAT NOT ONLY
IS YOUR RESUME VERY IMPRESSIVE
IT'S ALSO EXTRA ABSORBENT.
WELL, DEAR, IF YOU PREFER
WE CAN RESCHEDULE THIS
FOR ANOTHER DAY.
OH, NO, NO, NO.
AFTER ALL,
I HAVE INTERVIEWED PEOPLE
LOTS OF PEOPLE.
ANYONE FROM BORIS YELTSIN
TO JOHN GOTTI.
NOT FOR THIS POSITION,
OF COURSE.
SO, UH...
I GUESS I SHOULD ASK YOU
THE TYPICAL QUESTION
THAT A MOTHER WOULD ASK...
A MOTHERLY KIND OF QUESTION,
ASKED BY A MOTHER.
IN THIS CASE, ME.
I GUESS
THAT QUESTION WOULD BE...
WELL, LET ME SEE.
ANYTHING FROM...
Eldin:
I GOT ONE.
THE CHILD COMES DOWNSTAIRS
FOR BREAKFAST.
YOU NOTICE THAT HE'S WEARING
ONE RED SOCK AND ONE GREEN SOCK.
WHAT DO YOU DO?
ELDIN, I DON'T SEE...
THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
IT'S A VERY INTERESTING
QUESTION.
YOU WANT TO AVOID
EMBARRASSING THE CHILD
WHILE SENDING HIM
BACK TO HIS ROOM
TO PUT ON MATCHING SOCKS.
OKAY.
NOW, WHAT IF HE SAYS
THAT HE SEES NOTHING WRONG
WITH THE SOCKS HE HAS ON?
WELL, I SUPPOSE I'D SUGGEST
WE HAVE HIM TESTED
FOR COLOR BLINDNESS.
HE'S NOT COLOR BLIND.
HE JUST LIKES WEARING
TWO DIFFERENT
COLORED SOCKS, OKAY?
IN THAT CASE,
I WOULD FIRMLY EXPLAIN TO HIM
THAT IF HE DIDN'T CONFORM
TO ACCEPTABLE DRESS CODES
HE WOULD EVENTUALLY EXPERIENCE
TROUBLE FITTING INTO SOCIETY.
Eldin:
I SEE.
WELL, I'VE ALWAYS BELIEVED
THAT MY JOB
IS TO PROVIDE THE CHILD
WITH A NURTURING ENVIRONMENT
WHILE CARRYING OUT
THE WISHES
OF THE PARENTS.
AND ALTHOUGH THE RELEVANCE
OF THE QUESTION ESCAPES ME
I'D HAVE TO SAY
THAT WHILE I APPRECIATE
THE IRONY
IN WARHOL'S
"CAMPBELL SOUP" PORTRAITS
I DOUBT THAT IN YEARS
THEY'LL BE HANGING
NEXT TO THE VAN GOGHS
IN THE D'ORSAY MUSEUM.
OUR SEARCH HAS ENDED.
YES!
OH, AND LET ME JUST SAY
I THOUGHT YOUR ANSWERS
TO THOSE QUESTIONS
WERE EXCELLENT.
ESPECIALLY IN THE PHILOSOPHY
BONUS ROUND.
HOW SOON CAN YOU START?
WELL, IT'S : NOW.
I GUESS I COULD START
AFTER LUNCH.
IT'S LATER THAN I'D HOPED
BUT IF THAT'S THE BEST
YOU CAN DO...
OH, AND ALSO,
I JUST WANT
TO APOLOGIZE
FOR PUTTING YOU THROUGH
SUCH A THIRD DEGREE
BUT I'M SURE YOU UNDERSTAND.
AFTER ALL, I AM ENTRUSTING YOU
WITH THE CARE OF MY ONLY CHILD.
THAT'S QUITE
A RESPONSIBILITY.
ESPECIALLY
WHEN YOU CONSIDER
THERE ARE MANY HOURS
EACH DAY I WON'T BE HERE.
IT WILL JUST BE YOU...
ALL ALONE.
A TOTAL STRANGER WHO WALKED
IN HERE ONLY AN HOUR AGO.
AND MY SON...
A HELPLESS CHILD
UNABLE TO SPEAK
OR DEFEND HIMSELF
WITH NO REAL MUSCLES
IN HIS TINY BABY NECK.
A SWEET INNOCENT PAWN
IN WHATEVER BIZARRE
SATANIC RITUAL
OR SICK TUPPERWARE PARTY
YOU AND YOUR TWISTED FRIENDS
CHOOSE TO PUT HIM THROUGH.
AND WHY IS IT
YOU CAN START SO EARLY?
NEED A JOB FAST?
ON THE LAM?
THE F.B.I. MIGHT BE
INTERESTED IN YOUR FINGERPRINTS
ON THE COFFEE MUG
YOU JUST USED
IN THE LIVING ROOM.
OH, YEAH, YOU GOT
NOTHING TO HIDE.
LOOK AT HER RUN LIKE A RABBIT.
(everyone:)
MURPHY. MURPHY...
Murphy:
HELLO, EVERYBODY,
GOOD TO SEE YOU.
HOW ARE YOU?
HI, GUYS.
Frank:
WHY ARE YOU HERE?
YOU'RE ON
MATERNITY LEAVE.
IS EVERYTHING
ALL RIGHT?
WHERE'S THE BABY?
OH, MY GOD!
YOU DIDN'T LEAVE HIM
ON THE HOOD OF YOUR CAR
LIKE YOU DO
WITH YOUR COFFEE MUG?!
GUYS, RELAX.
HE'S HOME WITH ELDIN,
TAKING A NAP.
EVERYTHING'S FINE.
I'VE GOT EVERYTHING
UNDER CONTROL.
OH, SURE, IT WAS
TRICKY AT FIRST
BUT I'VE FINALLY
TURNED THE CORNER.
SO I JUST THOUGHT,
SINCE I HAD A FEW MINUTES
I'D STOP BY
THE OLD SWEAT SHOP...
AND THANK EVERYBODY
FOR THE WONDERFUL GIFTS
THAT THEY SENT.
REALLY, EVERYONE,
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
MARV, YOU REALLY
OUTDID YOURSELF.
I'LL TREASURE YOUR GIFT
FOR YEARS TO COME.
I SENT YOU A BOX OF HUGGIES.
OH, WELL, I MUST HAVE BEEN
THINKING OF LYNN.
THAT WAS A THOUGHTFUL GIFT.
I HAVEN'T
SENT YOU ANYTHING YET.
OH, WELL, I GUESS WE KNOW
WHAT YOU'LL BE DOING
ON YOUR LUNCH HOUR.
JUST A LITTLE HINT:
I'M UP TO MY EARS IN THOSE
CHINTZY ORNAMENTS THAT SAY
BABY'S FIRST CHRISTMAS...
...AND I LOVE THEM ALL.
Frank:
UH, MURPH
ARE YOU SURE
YOU'RE ALL RIGHT?
OF COURSE I AM, FRANK.
HAPPY, RELAXED...
BASKING IN MY ROLE
AS NEW MOTHER.
SO I JUST CAME DOWN
TO CHECK MY MAIL,
RETURN A FEW PHONE CALLS.
WHAT ARE WE WORKING ON?
MURPHY, WOULD YOU STOP
TRYING TO PLAY SUPERWOMAN.
WE CAN HANDLE THINGS
WITHOUT YOU HERE.
AS YOUR BOSS
I AM ORDERING YOU
TO GO HOME
AND ENJOY THE MAGIC
OF THESE FIRST PRECIOUS DAYS
WITH YOUR SON.
OH, GOD,
PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME GO!
JUST LET ME STAY
FIVE MORE MINUTES.
I'M TELLING YOU GUYS,
I'M GOING CRAZY.
I HAVEN'T SLEPT IN HOURS.
I DON'T HAVE TIME
TO EAT OR SHOWER.
LOOK AT THIS.
DEAR LORD,
SHE'S EXPOSING HERSELF!
I WISH I WERE NAKED!
I'VE BEEN WEARING
THESE PAJAMAS
FOR THREE DAYS!
NONE OF THIS IS GOING THE WAY
I THOUGHT IT WOULD.
I HAD TO HIRE A LACTATION NURSE
TO TEACH US HOW TO BREAST FEED.
I FINALLY HAVE A CHEST,
AND THE ONLY MAN IN MY LIFE
DOESN'T KNOW
WHAT TO DO WITH IT.
COME ON NOW.
YOU'VE GOT TO GIVE YOURSELF
A CHANCE.
YOU'LL FIGURE THIS OUT.
NO, I WON'T, FRANK.
THIS MOTHER STUFF
IS THE HARDEST THING
I'VE EVER DONE.
AND I'M ONE
OF THE FORTUNATE ONES.
I HAVE A SECURE JOB,
A FAIRLY STABLE LIFE
I'M EDUCATED.
LAST NIGHT, I BIT THE HEAD OFF
A STUFFED BUNNY!
MURPHY,
THERE ARE TIMES
WHEN WE ALL FEEL
OVERWHELMED.
TAKE ME, FOR INSTANCE.
YOU KNOW, IN MANY WAYS,
THIS SHOW IS MY BABY.
I, TOO, HAVE SPENT
MANY SLEEPLESS NIGHTS
WORRYING ABOUT...
OH, YEAH, RIGHT.
TALK TO ME
AFTER YOU'VE HAD
AN EPISIOTOMY!
(groans)
MURPHY...
I THINK THIS IS JUST A LITTLE
POSTPARTUM DEPRESSION.
IT'S PERFECTLY NORMAL
AND YOU HAVE ABSOLUTELY
NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT...
UNLESS IT GETS WORSE
AND YOU WIND UP
LIKE A GIRL I KNEW BACK HOME.
SHE HAD FIVE KIDS IN SIX YEARS.
THEN, ONE DAY, SHE SHAVED
EVERY HAIR OFF HER BODY
AND RAN OVER HER HUSBAND
WITH A TRACTOR.
I DON'T HAVE A HUSBAND
OR A TRACTOR
BUT RIGHT NOW A SHAVE
SOUNDS PRETTY GOOD.
Jim:
ALL RIGHT NOW.
WE'VE HAD ENOUGH
OF THIS SELF-PITY.
INSTEAD OF DWELLING
ON THE DIFFICULTIES
WHY NOT LOOK
ON THE BRIGHT SIDE?
AFTER ALL,
IN THE OLD DAYS
A WOMAN BEARING A CHILD
OUT OF WEDLOCK
WOULD HAVE BEEN
STONED TO DEATH.
GEE, JIM,
I HADN'T CONSIDERED THAT.
(watch alarm rings)
OH, GOD, MY TIME IS UP.
OLD BESSIE HAS TO GET
BACK TO THE BARN
FOR ANOTHER MILKING.
COME ON NOW.
THIS IS...
THIS IS JUST
ANOTHER CHALLENGE...
LIKE QUITTING SMOKING.
YOU DID THAT,
REMEMBER?
I WOUND UP IN THE MEN'S ROOM
OF PHIL'S
STEALING PIERRE SALINGER'S
CIGAR
WHILE HE TRIED
TO GET HIS NECKTIE UNSTUCK
FROM HIS ZIPPER!
JIM, YOU WANT
TO GO OVER
THAT STONING THING
ONE MORE TIME?
IT'S OKAY, GUYS.
I'LL BE FINE, REALLY.
MAYBE ON THE WAY DOWN,
THERE WILL BE A SMALL FIRE
THE SPRINKLERS WILL GO ON,
AND I'LL FINALLY SHOWER.
BYE.
HI, MURPH.
I JUST STOPPED BY TO SEE IF...
OH, HE'S CRYING.
NO, HE'S NOT, FRANK.
THAT'S ME THROWING MY VOICE.
WANT TO SEE ME DO IT
WHILE I DRINK
A GLASS OF WATER?
HEY, IT'S OKAY.
(baby still crying)
IT'S JUST FRANK.
YOU REMEMBER HIM
FROM THE HOSPITAL.
HE'S THE ONE
THAT GOT THROWN OUT
FOR RIDING
THE FLOOR BUFFER.
MURPH, HE'S...
HE'S NEVER
GOING TO STOP
IF YOU KEEP
HOLDING HIM LIKE THAT.
FIRST YOU TERRORIZE MY CHILD,
THEN BLAME ME FOR IT.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH THE WAY
I'M HOLDING HIM?
NOTHING, IF HE'S THE MAIN COURSE
AT A LUAU.
HERE, LET ME JUST...
LET ME HAVE HIM.
OH, OKAY.
SHH.
SHHH.
THAT'S OKAY.
UNCLE FRANKIE'S HERE, YEAH.
WHAT IS THAT?
WHERE DID YOU LEARN THAT?
HEY, YOU GROW UP
WITH SEVEN KIDS
YOU PICK UP
A FEW THINGS.
PLUS, I ONCE HAD A THERAPIST
WHO USED HYPNOSIS TO HELP ME
RE-EXPERIENCE MY OWN BIRTH.
I'LL NEVER FORGET
THE SENSATION OF THOSE FORCEPS.
TO THIS DAY,
I CAN'T USE SALAD TONGS.
YOU KNOW, FRANK,
I'M BEGINNING TO UNDERSTAND
WHY WOMEN RARELY DATE YOU
MORE THAN THREE TIMES.
THAT'S BETTER.
YEAH, THAT'S BETTER.
YOU HOLD HIM
OUT THERE IN THE BREEZE
HE'LL GET SCARED.
HOLD HIM IN CLOSE.
THIS WAY,
HE FEELS SECURE.
OH, SOMETIMES IT'S REALLY GREAT
TO JUST REST HIS HEAD
ON YOUR LEFT SIDE.
THIS WAY,
HE CAN HEAR YOUR HEARTBEAT.
YEAH.
WAIT A MINUTE, FRANK.
I WANT TO WRITE
THIS STUFF DOWN.
"HOLD CLOSE... SECURE...
HEARTBEAT..."
YOU'RE SWAYING.
WHY ARE YOU SWAYING?
WHAT'S THAT
PATTING BUSINESS ABOUT?
I DON'T KNOW.
IT JUST FEELS RIGHT.
GREAT, FRANK.
YOU'VE GOT BETTER
MATERNAL INSTINCTS THAN I DO.
SWAY-SWAY, PAT-PAT-PAT...
WOULD YOU STOP
WRITING THIS STUFF DOWN?
YOU CAN'T GO AT IT
LIKE A REPORTER.
FEEL YOUR WAY THROUGH IT.
YOU GIVE IT A sh*t.
NO, NO, NO,
YOU'RE DOING FINE.
YOU CAN DO THIS.
SOONER OR LATER,
YOU'LL HAVE TO.
NOW, COME ON.
HERE WE GO.
YEAH.
YEAH, OKAY.
THAT'S NOT TOO BAD.
WOULD YOU
JUST RELAX?
LOOSEN UP
A LITTLE BIT.
HE'S NOT
GOING TO BREAK.
YOU MAY
WANT TO JUST
SLOW THAT DOWN
A LITTLE BIT, MURPH.
JUST A TOUCH.
IT'S MORE OF A SWAY
RATHER THAN A BOUNCE.
OH, GEEZ, I'M GOING TO GIVE HIM
BABY WHIPLASH.
AH, FRANK,
THIS IS SO WEIRD.
YOU WALK IN
THE HOSPITAL ALONE
AND THEN TWO DAYS LATER
THEY SEND YOU OUT
WITH A TOTAL STRANGER.
THEY TELL YOU
HE CAME OUT OF YOUR BODY.
BUT AFTER HOURS OF LABOR,
WHO REMEMBERS?
THEY COULD HAVE GIVEN ME
JOHN CANDY
WRAPPED IN A BLUE BLANKET.
I WOULDN'T HAVE KNOWN
THE DIFFERENCE.
THESE ARE NOT
MATERNAL THOUGHTS
BUT THEY'RE ALL
I'M HAVING...
MURPH, IF YOU'LL JUST
STOP TALKING
YOU MIGHT REALIZE
YOU'RE DOING OKAY.
(whispering:)
HEY, HOW ABOUT THAT?
NOT A SOUND.
I KNEW IT.
I k*lled HIM.
MURPH, OH...
HE'S SLEEPING.
YOU SEE?
YOU DID IT.
I TOLD YOU
YOU COULD.
AMAZING.
HE'S ACTUALLY SLEEPING...
IN MY ARMS.
OH, NOW,
THIS IS MORE LIKE IT.
OH, YEAH,
YOU'RE A VERY GOOD PARTNER.
YOU KNOW, FRANK
THIS IS THE FIRST TIME
SINCE I CAME HOME
THAT I FEEL LIKE
I MIGHT BE ABLE TO DO THIS.
YOU ARE A LIFESAVER.
NOW...
IF YOU WANT TO GO
FOR SAINTHOOD
JUST WATCH HIM
FOR TEN MINUTES
WHILE I TAKE A SHOWER.
GO. TAKE AS LONG A SHOWER
AS YOU WANT.
I'LL JUST SIT HERE
AND WATCH
THE EVENING NEWS.
Newscaster:
Today, in a speech
focusing on the American Family
Vice-President Dan Quayle
had some strong comments
on what he termed
a "poverty of values"
citing Murphy Brown
as an example...
WHAT? WAS THAT ABOUT ME?
WELL, IT SOUNDED LIKE IT
BUT THEY ARE SHOWING
A CLIP OF DAN QUAYLE.
It doesn't help matters when
prime time TV has Murphy Brown
HE IS TALKING ABOUT YOU.
...who supposedly
epitomizes today's intelligent
highly paid, professional woman
mocking the importance
of fathers
by bearing a child alone
and calling it
just another lifestyle choice.
DID YOU HEAR THAT?!
SHH.
Newscaster:
...examples like Murphy Brown
glamorize single motherhood...
GLAMORIZE SINGLE MOTHERHOOD?
WHAT PLANET IS HE ON?!
LOOK AT ME, FRANK.
AM I GLAMOROUS?
OF COURSE NOT.
YOU LOOK DISGUSTING.
YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT!
PEOPLE IN PRISON
SHOWER MORE THAN I DO.
AND WHAT WAS THAT cr*ck ABOUT
"JUST ANOTHER LIFESTYLE CHOICE"?
TAKE IT EASY.
I AGONIZED
OVER THAT DECISION.
I WORRIED ABOUT
WHAT IT WOULD DO TO HIM AND ME.
I DIDN'T WAKE UP
ONE MORNING AND SAY
"GEE, I CAN'T GET IN
FOR A FACIAL.
I'LL HAVE A BABY."
I DON'T BLAME YOU
FOR BEING ANGRY
BUT CONSIDER THE SOURCE.
THIS IS THE SAME GUY
WHO GAVE A SPEECH
AT THE UNITED n*gro COLLEGE FUND
AND SAID,
"WHAT A WASTE IT IS
TO LOSE
ONE'S MIND."
THEN HE SPENT
THE REST OF HIS TERM
SHOWING THE COUNTRY
WHAT HE MEANT.
TOMORROW, HE'LL
GET HIS HEAD STUCK
IN HIS GOLF BAG
AND YOU'LL
BE OLD NEWS.
MURPH, IT'S DAN QUAYLE!
JUST FORGET ABOUT IT.
♪♪ YOU KNOW YOU MAKE ME
WANT TO SHOUT ♪♪
♪♪ KICK MY HEELS UP AND SHOUT ♪♪
♪♪ THROW MY HANDS UP AND SHOUT ♪
♪
♪♪ THROW MY HEAD BACK AND SHOUT
♪♪
♪♪ COME ON NOW... SHOUT ♪♪
♪♪ DON'T FORGET TO SAY YOU WILL
♪♪
♪♪ DON'T FORGET TO SAY ♪♪
♪♪ YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH
♪♪
♪♪SAY YOU WILL♪♪
♪♪ SAY IT RIGHT NOW, BABY ♪♪
♪♪SAY YOU WILL♪♪
♪♪ COME ON, COME ON ♪♪
♪♪SAY YOU WILL♪♪
♪♪ SAY THAT YOU... ♪♪
♪♪SAY YOU WILL♪♪
♪♪ COME ON NOW ♪♪
♪♪ SAY THAT YOU LOVE ME ♪♪
♪♪ SAY THAT YOU NEED ME ♪♪
♪♪ SAY THAT YOU WANT ME ♪♪
♪♪ YOU WANNA PLEASE ME ♪♪
♪♪ COME ON NOW ♪♪
♪♪SAY IT!♪♪
♪♪ COME ON NOW ♪♪
♪♪SAY IT!♪♪
♪♪ COME ON NOW ♪♪
♪♪SAY IT!♪♪
♪♪ I STILL REMEMBER ♪♪
♪♪SHU-BE-DO-WOP♪♪
♪♪ WHEN YOU USED TO BE
NINE YEARS OLD ♪♪
♪♪SHU-BE-DO-WOP♪♪
♪♪ HEY, YEAH ♪♪
♪♪ I WAS A FOOL FOR YOU ♪♪
♪♪SHU-BE-DO-WOP♪♪
♪♪ FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY SOUL ♪♪
♪♪SHU-BE-DO-WOP♪♪
♪♪ NOW THAT YOU'RE GROWN UP
♪♪
♪♪SHU-BE-DO-WOP, DO-WOP♪♪
♪♪ GROWN ENOUGH TO KNOW ♪♪
♪♪SHU-BE-DO-WOP♪♪
♪♪ YEAH, YEAH ♪♪
♪♪ YOU WANT TO LEAVE ♪♪
♪♪SHU-BE-DO-WOP♪♪
♪♪ YOU WANT TO LET ME GO ♪♪
♪♪SHU-BE-DO-WOP, DO-WOP♪♪
♪♪ I WANT YOU TO KNOW ♪♪
♪♪ I SAID I WANT YOU
TO KNOW RIGHT NOW ♪♪
♪♪ YEAH, YOU BEEN
GOOD TO ME, BABY ♪♪
♪♪ BETTER THAN I BEEN TO MYSELF
♪♪
♪♪ HEY, HEY ♪♪
♪♪ AND IF YOU EVER LEAVE ME
♪♪
♪♪ I DON'T WANT NOBODY ELSE... ♪
♪
Everybody give me
a Murphy Brown question.
I got one answer for you.
(all talking)
Man:
HOW ABOUT IT, MILES?
IS IT TRUE THE NETWORK
IS CONSIDERING TAKING MURPHY
OFF THE AIR?
All:
COME ON, MILES.
ABSOLUTELY NOT.
AS FAR AS THE NETWORK
IS CONCERNED
SHE'S JUST ANOTHER REPORTER
ON MATERNITY LEAVE.
THEN WHY ISN'T SHE
MAKING A STATEMENT
ABOUT WHAT'S BEEN LABELED
"MURPHYGATE"?
YOU'RE KEEPING HER
UNDER WRAPS. ADMIT IT.
(all talking)
GUYS, GUYS, DO I HAVE
TO REMIND YOU
THAT THE WOMAN GAVE BIRTH
A WEEK AND A HALF AGO
TO A NINE POUND, SEVEN OUNCE
BABY BOY?
THIS TOWN HASN'T HEARD
SCREAMS LIKE THAT
SINCE L.B.J. SHOWED
HIS GALL BLADDER SCAR
TO THE DAUGHTERS
OF THE AMERICAN REVOLUTION.
YOU DON'T KEEP A WOMAN
LIKE MURPHY BROWN QUIET
IF SHE DOESN'T WANT TO BE.
I HAVE A NEWSROOM TO RUN.
BOBBY, GET ME PARIS.
WHY?
JUST DO IT, BOBBY!
Jim:
NO COMMENT.
Reporters:
JIM! JIM! JIM!
GET AWAY FROM ME, YOU JACKALS.
I SAID NO COMMENT,
AND I MEANT IT.
AND STOP BLOCKING THE CORRIDORS
OR I'LL HAVE YOU ALL ARRESTED.
JUDAS PRIEST, HOW LONG IS
THIS MEDIA CIRCUS GOING TO LAST?
DO I LOOK LIKE
A MAGIC EIGHT BALL?
LAST TIME WE TALKED
MURPHY SAID SHE HAD
ENOUGH TO DO WITH THE BABY
AND I SHOULD HANDLE IT.
I'M HANDLING IT, ALL RIGHT.
I'VE HAD SO MUCH MYLANTA,
I'M COUGHING UP CHALK.
(elevator bell dings)
Reporters:
PHIL. PHIL.
HEY! GIVE IT A REST,
WILL YOU?!
I'M ON THE CLOCK HERE.
MILES, YOU GOT TO DO SOMETHING.
EVERY TIME I TURN AROUND,
SOME REPORTER'S ASKING ME
IF I KNOW HOW MURPHY FEELS
ABOUT THIS WHOLE QUAYLE THING.
LOOK, I KNOW IT'S TOUGH,
BUT WE'RE A NEWS SHOW.
WE CAN'T GET
INTO A SCREAMING MATCH
WITH THE VICE-PRESIDENT.
UNTIL MURPHY'S READY
THERE'S NOTHING
WE CAN DO.
I HOPE SHE DOESN'T
TAKE LONG.
I HATE TO WATCH
EVERY WORD I SAY
JUST BECAUSE SOME CLOWN
IS MAYBE STANDING NEXT TO ME
TAKING NOTES
HE CAN TWIST AROUND
INTO ANOTHER SLEAZY HEADLINE
FOR SOME...
AH, MARV, HOW COULD YOU?
TAPING PEOPLE YOU WORK WITH
SO YOU CAN PICK UP DIRT
TO SELL TO THE HIGHEST BIDDER.
Man:
Avete una camera
per una notte?
Do you have a room
for one night?
WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?
MARV'S GOING TO ITALY
ON HIS VACATION.
AND YOU'RE GOING
TO LOVE IT TOO.
ESPECIALLY THE FOOD.
BY THE WAY, TODAY'S SPECIAL
IS PASTA PRIMAVERA.
WHY DON'T YOU STOP BY
AFTER LUNCH
AND HAVE A PLATE ON ME.
COME ON, COME ON.
I'M DYING OUT HERE.
PLENTY OF ROOM.
STOP SHOVING THAT
IN MY FACE, FRANK.
I'M NOT IN THE MOOD.
CORKY, THIS IS GREAT.
GUYS, TAKE A LOOK AT THIS.
WHAT IS IT?
THE LATEST PUBLIC OPINION POLL
ON MURPHY.
PEOPLE THINK
MURPHY WOULD MAKE
A BETTER PARENT
THAN DAN QUAYLE
AND A BETTER PRESIDENT TOO.
I CAN'T WAIT
TO SHOW IT TO HER.
THIS MAKES UP
FOR THAT TV GUIDE POLL
WHERE SHE WAS
BEHIND SPUDS McKENZIE
ON A LIST OF CELEBRITIES
YOU'D LIKE
TO HAVE OVER
FOR DINNER.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND
HOW YOU CAN JOKE ABOUT THIS.
I KNOW A LOT OF PEOPLE
SUPPORT WHAT MURPHY'S DOING
BUT A LOT OF PEOPLE DON'T
ESPECIALLY
WHERE I COME FROM.
DO YOU THINK
MURPHY'S CRITICS ARE RIGHT?
I DON'T KNOW.
I LOVE MURPHY
ONCE SHE GETS
A LITTLE PRACTICE...
AND MAYBE
SOME ESTROGEN SUPPLEMENTS
BUT I WAS RAISED
TO BELIEVE
THAT IF YOU HAD A CHILD
OUT OF WEDLOCK
YOU ERE BAD.
OF COURSE, I WAS ALSO
RAISED TO BELIEVE
A WOMAN'S PLACE WAS IN THE HOME
SEGREGATION WAS GOOD
AND PRESIDENTS NEVER LIE.
OH, THIS IS SO CONFUSING.
WE LIVE IN CONFUSING TIMES.
THE WHITE HOUSE CRITICIZES
MURPHY FOR HAVING A CHILD
WHILE THEY'RE PARADING
THE TERMINATOR AROUND
AS A ROLE MODEL
FOR YOUNG PEOPLE.
THE WHOLE CCOUNTRY
IS TALKING
ABOUT FAMILY VALUES
AND THE MOST POPULAR
MOVIE OF THE YEAR
HAS A WOMAN DRESSED LIKE A CAT
LICKING A MAN
DRESSED LIKE A BAT.
I DON'T EVEN WANT TO GUESS
HOW THE MAN IN THE PENGUIN SUIT
FITS IN.
GUYS, THE IMPORTANT
THING
IS THAT WE BE HERE
FOR MURPHY.
IF THIS IS TOUGH ON US
YOU CAN IMAGINE
WHAT SHE'S GOING THROUGH.
OH, DON'T YOU WORRY
ABOUT MURPHY.
I'LL MAKE YOU A BET
THAT RIGHT NOW SHE IS AT HOME
PLOTTING HER REVENGE.
I CAN JUST SEE HER,
THE WHEELS TURNING
EVERY FIBER OF HER BEING
FOCUSED ON ONE THING
AND ONE THING ONLY.
ELDIN, LOOK,
HIS BELLY BUTTON FELL OFF.
IT'S THE LAST PIECE
OF HIS UMBILICAL CORD.
MAYBE YOU'D LIKE TO ANNOUNCE
THAT TO THIS REPORTER
WHO'S PRESENTLY RUMMAGING
THROUGH YOUR GARBAGE.
HEY! HEY, YOU!
YOU STOP MIXING MY GLASS
AND ALUMINUM.
WHAT I WOULDN'T GIVE
FOR A SKUNK-ON-A-ROPE RIGHT NOW.
OH, THIS IS SO GREAT.
HE'S AN OUTIE, JUST LIKE ME.
D YOU REALIZE WHAT THIS MEANS?
FEWER LINT PROBLEMS?
THIS IS THE FIRST LANDMARK
IN HIS YOUNG LIFE.
I HAVE TO WRITE THIS
IN THE BABY BOOK.
LET'S SEE...
FIRST SMILE, FIRST LAUGH,
FIRST TOOTH, FIRST...
UNBELIEVABLE.
THEY DON'T HAVE A PLACE FOR IT.
WE'LL JUST HAVE TO WRITE IT IN.
WON'T WE, LITTLE BILLY...
BOBBY? BUSTER?
BUSTER! BUSTER BROWN.
LET'S NAME HIM AFTER SOME KID
WHO LIVES IN A SHOE
WITH A DOG.
ARE YOU AWARE THAT YOUR EYEBALLS
ARE MOVING INDEPENDENTLY?
WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME
YOU SLEPT?
I THINK I GOT ABOUT MINUTES
THREE DAYS AGO
BUT IT DOESN'T MATTER.
I NO LONGER NEED SLEEP.
LACK OF SLEEP HAS HELPED ME
EVOLVE INTO A HIGHER BEING
WHO NO LONGER REQUIRES IT.
OKAY, THAT'S IT.
I'M TURNING
THE LANDING LIGHTS ON.
WE'RE BRINGING THE MOTHER SHIP
IN FOR A LANDING.
I WANT YOU
TO SEE SOMETHING.
I TOLD YOU BEFORE
IF YOU IGNORE THE REPORTERS,
THEY'LL GO AWAY.
THEY'RE STILL
SWARMING AROUND MY VAN
LIKE A BUNCH
OF CRAZED EIGHT-YEAR-OLDS
LIKE IT'S AN ICE CREAM TRUCK.
I FEEL LIKE A GIANT NUTTY BUDDY.
YOU THINK IF I MADE A STATEMENT,
IT WOULD END THIS?
IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT I SAY.
EVERYBODY WILL TWIST IT
TO FIT THEIR OWN AGENDA.
PRO-LIFE WANTS ME TO SPEAK,
PRO-CHOICE WANTS ME TO SPEAK
AND PRO-BREAST-FEEDING
WANTS ME TO DO IT
ON THREE-DIMENSIONAL BILLBOARDS.
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
HE'S A BABY,
NOT A POLITICAL STATEMENT.
WHY CAN'T I GET
TO KNOW HIM
WITHOUT MILLION PEOPLE
WATCHING?
WHY CAN'T THEY
LEAVE US ALONE?
JUDGING FROM THE DOZEN OR SO
CAMPED OUT ON YOUR STOOP
I THINK IT WILL TAKE
MORE THAN A SIMPLE REQUEST.
YESTERDAY, I TURNED
THE HOSE ON THEM.
I THINK
THEY LIKED IT.
THEN WE'LL STAY IN HERE.
IT'S NOT SO BAD
OR READ THE NEWSPAPERS
OR LISTEN TO THE RADIO.
I'LL JUST
FLIP THROUGH
THIS LIFE MAGAZINE
FROM
AND EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE.
OH, LOOK, GRACE KELLY'S
GETTING MARRIED.
OKAY. SO, TO RECAP
WE'RE GOING TO SPEND
THE REST OF OUR LIVES
LOCKED UP HERE
IN CASA DE PARANOIA
AND IF THE BOY
SHOULD EVER WANT
TO VENTURE OUTSIDE,
I'LL JUST TELL HIM
HIS MOTHER THINKS THE WORLD
IS A MEAN AND TERRIBLE PLACE.
I'M JUST TRYING TO PROTECT HIM.
ISN'T THAT WHAT A MOTHER'S
SUPPOSED TO DO?
I DON'T KNOW.
I JUST KNOW
THAT THIS KID'S MOTHER
USED TO BE SOMEONE
WHO TRIED TO MAKE THE WORLD
A BETTER PLACE
NOT SHUT IT OUT.
MAYBE ONE DAY
I'LL TELL HIM
WHAT SHE WAS LIKE
BEFORE SHE TURNED
INTO THAT CRAZY OLD LADY
SITTING IN THE CORNER
PLAYING
WITH A SHRIVELED-UP
PIECE OF BELLY BUTTON.
YOU KNOW, FOR A GUY
WHO SAYS HE PREFERS
PICTURES TO WORDS
YOUR UNCLE ELDIN
CAN SURE RAMBLE ON.
IT'S VERY ANNOYING
ESPECIALLY
WHEN HE'S RIGHT.
I WAS HOPING
YOU WOULD BE A LITTLE OLDER
BEFORE YOU GOT
INTO YOUR FIRST FIGHT
OVER SOMETHING YOUR MOTHER DID.
WHAT ARE YOU
GOING TO DO?
WELL, FOR STARTERS,
THIS.
HEY, SULLIVAN, YOU WANT A QUOTE?
GET YOUR HEAD
OUT OF MY GARBAGE CAN
AND COME OVER HERE.
I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU
AN EXCLUSIVE.
CLOSER. YEAH, THAT'S BETTER.
ELDIN, HAND ME THAT DIAPER PAIL.
LISTEN UP.
THIS IS YOUR MOTHER.
ARE YOU SURE
YOU'RE UP TO THIS?
WE CAN ALWAYS FILL
THE SPOT.
THERE'S CORKY'S PIECE
ON CALIFORNIA WINERIES.
WE'LL CUT THE PART
WHERE SHE PUT THE WASTE BASKET
ON HER HEAD
AND CROWNED HERSELF
QUEEN OF THE GRAPE.
THIS IS THE ONE PLACE
WHERE I'VE ALWAYS KNOWN
WHAT I WAS DOING.
TWO MINUTES TO AIR.
CAN I GET YOU ANYTHING?
KEEP AN EYE ON ME
IN CASE I DOZE OFF, JOHN.
I HAVE A SQUIRT g*n
FILLED WITH ICE WATER
FROM THE NIGHT
YOU INTERVIEWED GERALD FORD.
I GOT YOU SOME TEA.
HOW ARE YOU FEELING?
I FEEL GOOD, FRANK.
AND SHE LOOKS GOOD.
AND, MURPHY, I'VE READ
THAT SOMETIMES
JUST THINKING
ABOUT YOUR BABY
CAN STIMULATE
MILK PRODUCTION
SO KEEP YOUR MIND OFF
THAT CERTAIN SOMEONE.
PEOPLE FORGET
ABOUT UNWED MOTHERS.
BUT STAINING A BLOUSE
ON NATIONAL TELEVISION
IS SOMETHING THEY'LL
TALK ABOUT FOREVER.
FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE,
CORKY.
THE WOMAN'S A PROFESSIONAL.
I'M NOT IN ANY DANGER,
AM I?
John:
SECONDS, PEOPLE.
MURPHY, I WANTED
YOU TO KNOW
NOT ALL REPUBLICANS
FEEL THE SAME
AS THE VICE-PRESIDENT.
SOME OF US RESPECT YOU
SUPPORT YOU
AND LOVE YOU DESPERATELY.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR SUPPORT,
CARL.
I'M JUST SORRY
THEY TURNED ME DOWN
TO SPEAK ON YOUR BEHALF
AT THE REPUBLICAN CONVENTION.
IT'S WHO YOU KNOW.
ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO.
LIVE IN FIVE, FOUR, THREE,
TWO...
Good evening
and welcome to F.Y.I.
FOR YOUR INFORMATION TONIGHT,
WE FOCUS ON A SUBJECT
THAT HAS BECOME THE CENTER
OF A NATIONAL DEBATE.
TO BEGIN, WE TURN TO REPORTER
MURPHY BROWN.
THANK YOU, JIM.
THE AMERICAN FAMILY
AND AMERICAN VALUES.
THIS REPORTER HAS A UNIQUE
PERSPECTIVE ON THE TOPIC
BECAUSE IN A RECENT SPEECH
VICE-PRESIDENT QUAYLE USED ME
AS AN EXAMPLE
OF THE POVERTY OF VALUES
IN THIS COUNTRY
AND IMPLIED I WAS
A POOR ROLE MODEL.
WHILE SOME MIGHT ARGUE
ATTACKING MY STATUS
AS A SINGLE MOTHER
WAS NOTHING MORE
THAN A CYNICAL BIT
OF ELECTION YEAR POSTURING
I PREFER TO GIVE
THE VICE-PRESIDENT
THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT.
THESE ARE DIFFICULT TIMES
FOR OUR COUNTRY
AND IN SEARCHING FOR THE CAUSES
OF OUR SOCIAL ILLS
WE COULD CHOOSE TO BLAME
THE MEDIA OR THE CONGRESS
OR AN ADMINISTRATION THAT'S
BEEN IN POWER FOR YEARS
OR WE COULD BLAME ME.
AND WHILE I WILL ADMIT
THAT MY INABILITY
TO BALANCE A CHECKBOOK
MAY HAVE HAD SOMETHING TO DO
WITH THE COLLAPSE OF
THE SAVINGS AND LOAN INDUSTRY
I DOUBT THAT MY STATUS
AS A SINGLE MOTHER
HAS CONTRIBUTED ALL THAT MUCH
TO THE BREAKDOWN
OF WESTERN CIVILIZATION.
BUT TONIGHT'S PROGRAM
SHOULD NOT BE
SIMPLY ABOUT BLAME.
THE VICE-PRESIDENT SAYS HE FELT
IT WAS IMPORTANT
TO OPEN A DIALOGUE
ABOUT FAMILY VALUES
A￭D ON THAT POINT, WE AGREE.
UNFORTUNATELY,
IT SEEMS THAT, FOR HIM
THE ONLY ACCEPTABLE DEFINITION
OF A FAMILY
IS A MOTHER, A FATHER,
AND CHILDREN.
AND IN A COUNTRY WHERE
MILLIONS OF CHILDREN
GRW UP
IN NON-TRADITIONAL FAMILIES
THAT DEFINITION
SEEMS PAINFULLY UNFAIR.
PERHAPS IT'S TIME
FOR THE VICE-PRESIDENT
TO EXPAND HIS DEFINITION
AND RECOGNIZE THAT WHETHER
BY CHOICE OR CIRCUMSTANCE
FAMILIES COME IN ALL SHAPES
AND SIZES.
AND ULTIMATELY,
WHAT REALLY DEFINES A FAMILY
IS COMMITMENT, CARING, AND LOVE.
WITH THAT IN MIND
I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE YOU
TO SOME PEOPLE
WHO MIGHT NOT FIT
INTO THE VICE-PRESIDENT'S
VISION OF A FAMILY
BUT THEY CONSIDER THEMSELVES
FAMILIES, NONETHELESS.
THEY HOPE FOR THE KIND OF LIFE
FOR THEIR CHILDREN
THAT WE ALL WANT
FOR OUR CHILDREN.
THESE ARE THE PEOPLE
WE SHOULD PAY ATTENTION TO.
WELCOME TO F.Y.I.
INTRODUCE YOURSELF, PLEASE.
YES, I'M MARY BAILEY
AND THIS IS MY DAUGHTER,
CAMERON.
AND YOU, MA'AM.
I'M NADINE, AND THIS
IS MY SON, MANUEL.
AND YOU, SIR?
I AM JIM, AND THIS
IS MY SON, SHANNON.
AND YOU?
I'M JULIE...
(baby crying)
OH, GOD.
I'VE GIVEN BIRTH TO A CAR ALARM.
OKAY.
OKAY.
NOT TO WORRY.
WE'VE GOT THE ROUTINE NOW.
ALL RIGHT, HERE WE GO.
SWAY, SWAY,PAT.
SWAY, SWAY,PAT.
(crying continues)
COME ON.
YOU LOVED THIS YESTERDAY.
YOU CAN'T CHANGE THE RULES.
THIS HAS BEEN A LONG DAY.
GIVE ME A LITTLE CREDIT.
MOMMY WAS
A TOTAL PROFESSIONAL TODAY.
THAT'S RIGHT--
MOMMY TOOK THE HIGH ROAD.
AND MOMMY HATES
TAKING THE HIGH ROAD.
BUT THAT'S WHAT WE DO
WHEN WE'RE ON THE AIR.
ONCE WE'RE OFF THE AIR,
THAT'S A DIFFERENT STORY.
OKAY, SO YOU'RE BORED
WITH THE SWAYING, HUH?
ALL RIGHT, WE CAN HANDLE THAT.
HOW ABOUT WE ADD
A LITTLE MUSIC?
YOU KNOW WHAT CHEERS ME UP?
MOTOWN.
LET'S SEE IF WE CAN FIND
ARETHA OR SMOKEY.
("Copacabana"
by Barry Manilow)
WELL, THIS IS A CHANCE
TO WARN YOU
ABOUT A VERY DARK PERIOD
IN THE HISTORY OF MUSIC.
NO, YOU'RE TOO YOUNG.
LET'S JUST MOVE ON BEFORE...
HEY, YOU'RE QUIETING DOWN.
OH, WELL, THIS IS...
OH, NO, YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS.
NOT BARRY MANILOW.
HOW ABOUT THE TEMPTATIONS
OR THE SUPREMES
OR THE FOUR TOPS?
(baby resumes crying)
IS THIS A PAYBACK FOR THAT TIME
I EDGED THOSE NUNS
OUT OF THE CARPOOL LANE
ON THE BELTWAY?
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
IF IT'S THAT IMPORTANT TO YOU.
BUT THIS IS A ONE-sh*t DEAL.
IT'S JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE FAMILY.
♪♪ COPA... COPACABANA ♪♪
♪♪ HIS NAME WAS RICO ♪♪
♪♪ HE WORE A DIAMOND ♪♪
HEY... RICO.
RICO BROWN.
NAH!
♪♪ Rico went a bit too far ♪♪
♪♪ Tony sailed across the bar ♪♪
♪♪ and then the punches flew ♪♪
♪♪ and chairs were
smashed in two ♪♪
♪♪ There was blood
and a single g*nsh*t ♪♪
♪♪ But just who sh*t who... ♪♪
Radio deejay:
Good morning and it's
Clear the Air
at on your AM dial.
Now for the news.
Well, our Vice-President woke up
to a surprise this morning.
Seems someone deposited
over , pounds of potatoes
in his drive?
It says here
no one's claimed responsibility.
Yeah, well, I got a vague idea.
I believe I speak for everyone
when I say, "Enough with
the potato jokes already!"
And Mr. Vice-President:
Just be glad you didn't
misspell "fertilizer."