03x01 - Boom!

[bunniefuu]

We're home!

You know, I love this room.

It reminds me so
much of a kitchen.

Waldo, this is a kitchen.

Whoa.

Somebody to exercise?
Everybody wants to exercise.

If you wanna exercise, get Arnold
Schwarzenegger or somebody.

Dad, you okay?

No, I'm not. Kids,
take a look at me.

How would you
describe my physique?

Uh... Big-boned!

Husky?

Wide load.

- What do you know?
- I know this is a kitchen.

Lieutenant Murtagh chewed me out
today. He said I was out of condition.

He wants me to meet him at the police
gym for a serious workout at 5:30 sharp.

- But it's only 4:00, Dad.
- I know.

I'm gonna stop for
some waffles on the way.

Hey, you wanna hang
out with us, kid stuff?

I'm gonna stay right here...

and enjoy the fact that I
am momentarily Urkeless.

I hardly recognize
you without him.

That's because he's
usually buzzing around me...

like the world's nerdiest gnat. The
cute guys shun me like the plague.

They don't wanna
put up with the UAF.

- UAF?
- Urkel Annoyance Factor.

Yo, Laura, hang in there.

Your dream guy could walk into
your life when you least expect it.

See? Now, you two
be home by midnight.

What's the matter with you?

You shouldn't run
ahead of me like that.

We attract much less
attention when we're together.

Hey, Urkel. Who's the new kid?

Oh, this is Lowell. He is an
orangutan, Pongo pygmaeus.

This is my best bud, Eddo.

Hey.

This is Waldo.

In evolutionary terms, he's a
few million years behind you.

And this stunning
creature is my raison d'être.

Laura.

Steve, where did you get Lowell?

The Behavioral Sciences Lab.

I'm trying to find out why dogs always
look relieved when you come back home.

What does that got
to do with Lowell?

This afternoon, I found out...

that Lowell is scheduled to undergo
extremely dangerous research.

Testing discount parachutes.

So Lowell and I skedaddled.

You two waltzed right out of
there today in broad daylight?

Well, Lowell did.

But they detained me for five
minutes for looking suspicious.

Come on, Lowell.

We have to get you back in the
basement before Ma and Pa Urkel get home.

Time out, Steve.

How long do you think you can
keep an orangutan in your basement?

Till Monday when the banks open.

Then, I'll get all my cash and
buy Lowell from the laboratory...

and donate him to the zoo.

- But what if you get caught before then?
- Well, that's a risk I've got to take.

Lowell's my friend and
friends help each other.

I mean, I was just
picturing Lowell...

jumping from that Cessna at
10,000 feet with a cut-rate parachute.

Thank you, Lowell.

So until Monday morning,
Lowell and I are on the lam.

Sorry I'm late, sir. But
I got held up in traffic.

Don't lie to me, Winslow.

I smell syrup on your breath.

I just had one waffle, sir.

Sure, it starts with one waffle.
Then, it's two. Then, three.

Before you know it, you need Vaseline
and a shoehorn to get into your squad car.

Sir, can we get on with this? I'd
like to go home. I have a family.

Sergeant, this treadmill is the
secret to my incredible physique.

Thanks to this treadmill, I was
able to chase down Nitro Newton...

"The Boston Bomber."
Made me a hero.

Wouldn't you like to be a hero,
instead of just eating them?

You know, I object
to that cr*ck, sir.

You outrank me, but you do not have
the right to treat me with disrespect.

I don't?

Sir, I don't mind exercising, but no
more jokes about my weight, okay?

Fine. Now, get on this
treadmill. Both of you.

Congratulations, you're
about to exercise on ALTREA...

the Automated
Linguistic Treadmill.

Talk to me, baby.

Please state your
personal code name now.

Personal code name?

It starts your
individual program.

I recommend you use mine.
It'll help you get in shape pronto.

Please state your
personal code name now.

Stallion.

Stallion?

Little nickname I picked up
during a moment of passion...

when I was young and alone.

Shh.

Look at her, Lowell.

Isn't my Laura
achingly beautiful?

Have you ever seen a woman
who could even hope to compare?

Yeah? Well, just remember, I
got dibs. Go find your own girl.

Shh!

Now, we have to be very
careful how we wake Laura.

Why, finding you here unannounced
would be a shock to anyone's system...

but Laura is
especially delicate.

Why, her little bird heart
can only take so much shock.

- Steve!
- Whoa!

- What are you doing here?
- My dad ordered me to get rid of Lowell.

He found out I was
hiding him in the house.

- How?
- Well...

Lowell got ahold of
my dad's credit card...

and ran amok on the
Home Shopping Network.

He bought three gold chains, a
refrigerator, and a ceramic Lee Trevino.

Go home.

- Okay, but can Lowell crash here tonight?
- No.

Please? Please?

Please?

One night. But you
have to promise...

- you'll have Lowell out before breakfast.
- Deal.

Now, I have to figure out
where Lowell is gonna sleep.

One, two...

three, four and five.

Okay, there's your hush money.

Now I expect you both
to keep your lips zipped...

about the ape in Laura's room.

Ape?

What ape?

Excellent.

Red alert! Red alert! Lowell is
gone. He's loose in the house!

Let's split before he
wants his money back.

Oh!

Coffee.

I need coffee.

What's with you?

I just had the worst
nightmare of my whole life.

What, that you had to
move out and pay rent?

No.

See, I was out on this date
with Denzel Washington...

and he kept begging
me to kiss him.

So I puckered up and closed my
eyes and he planted one on me.

When I opened my eyes, it wasn't
Denzel. It was some ugly looking ape. Ugh!

Rachel, you've gotta stop eating
those meatball sandwiches before bed.

They're messing you up bad.

You're right, Harriette.

I have enough trouble
with men when I'm awake.

Harriette, the
coffee's not doing it.

I'm calling a doctor.

Morning, Carl.

I made you French toast.

Okay, then I'll make waffles.

Congratulations, you're
exercising on ALTREA.

State your personal
code name now.

Stallion.

- State your personal code name now.
- Stallion.

State your personal
code name now.

Stallion! The code
name is Stallion!

- Please enter the number of
minutes you... MAN: Hello, Murtagh.

You recognize
this voice? It's me...

Nitro Newton, "The
Boston Bomber."

You bragged about
being in such great shape...

when you busted me last month.

Said the treadmill
was my downfall.

Well, this treadmill
will be your downfall.

- I've put a b*mb in it, Murtagh.
- A b*mb?

That's right, a b*mb.

You understand, Murtagh?

You're gonna blow up the
second you step off this machine!

Oh!

You're an arrogant, pompous jerk,
Murtagh, and now you're gonna die.

I'm not Murtagh. I'm Winslow!
You're blowing up the wrong guy!

Keep walking, Murtagh, or
you'll be blown to bits. Ha-ha-ha.

Help! Help me! Help!

What's the matter, Carl?

Listen, we're all cops in this room, right?
- Right!

I mean, we stick together, right?
- Right!

Good, because there's
a b*mb in this machine.

Thank you, fellow officers.

- Jaworski, call the b*mb Squad, okay?
- I'm on my way.

You want me to get
Lieutenant Murtagh in here?

Jaworski, if this b*mb goes off, it'll
k*ll anybody who's in the room with me.

Get him in here.

Okay. Just stay calm.
I can walk forever.

I feel good. I feel great.

I'm gonna die!

I came as soon as I heard.

- Is the b*mb Squad on the way?
- No, all the b*mb units are busy.

All of them! How come?

The Middle East Peace
Conference is in town.

- What? Oh!
- Shouldn't you keep walking?

Listen, I gotta catch my breath.

Listen. Let's switch
places without stopping.

That way we can trade off
until the b*mb Squad gets here.

Uh, I don't know. I don't have the
right shoes. Plus I had a heavy lunch.

Get on this treadmill!

Rest.

- You know, this thing is really moving.
- Yeah.

That's not good.

It's not good to start
at a very high speed.

Why not?

Well, for one thing, I
could get... A cramp!

Oh! A cramp! Right here!

Walk! Walk!

I can't. Holy...
It hurts! It hurts!

We gotta change places!

Ooh. Ooh. Darn the luck!

Listen, we're gonna have to try
to disarm the b*mb ourselves.

Okay.

- Can you get the top off the console?
- Uh, yeah.

There's a screwdriver blade
in my Swiss Army Kn*fe.

My brother was a demolitions
expert in the U.S. Marine Corps.

Oh, really? Well, I
wish he was here.

No, I think we're better
off without Stumpy.

Oh. There's enough
expl*sives to level the building!

- Yeah. Carl?
- Huh?

- I'm feeling a little faint.
- Don't worry, lieutenant. You'll be fine.

Just concentrate on the b*mb.
How many wires are there?

Uh... Three. Red,
blue, and yellow.

- You know which one to pull?
- No. Tell me you know.

- I really want you to tell me that!
- Yellow.

All right. How do you know?

Red, we're dead. Blue, we're
through. Yellow, we're mellow.

How do you know it isn't, "Yellow,
we're Jell-O. Blue, we're goo. Red..."

Will you just pull the wire?

Carl.

- We're not dead.
- No, sir.

Oh. But we sure came close.

Yes, sir.

- Congratulations on not fainting, sir.
- Thank you.

How did you know
which wire to pull?

- I didn't. I guessed. Ha-ha-ha!
- Ha-ha-ha!

Great guess.

Hi, there, sofa spuds.

How'd it go?

Great. I went to the
lab and I paid for Lowell.

I also bought five hamsters
that only walk to the right.

I guess we better
be getting to the zoo.

Right. Let's go, Lowell.

Yo, Lowell. Let's roll.

Oh. You don't wanna go?

Why not?

Aw...

Well, I'm gonna miss you too.

But I'll come and
visit you. A lot.

Hey, and so will Laura.

Hey, we're best buddies.

And we're gonna be
spending a lot of time together.

Hey, I love you too, Lowell.

- Carl, at least lie down and take a nap.
- I don't need to, Harriette.

But you were almost blown up.

- I mean, that had to affect you.
- Not me. Heh.

I'm a trained professional.

Stress doesn't
affect me one iota.

Maybe just a
little nap, Harriette.

Wake me just before Christmas.