03x04 - Words Hurt

[bunniefuu]

Steve? Oh!

Harriette? Harriette?

No, Carl. It's a weeknight.

- Harriette, wake up.
- What?

Steve Urkel just walked
into our bedroom...

and bopped me on the
head with a newspaper.

Carl, you're dreaming,
go back to sleep.

- But, Harriette...
- Carl, I need eight hours of sleep...

and I need them in a
row. Go back to sleep.

Harriette? Harriette?

Will you stop hitting me?

- I want some sleep, Carl.
- Harriette, look.

Now do you believe me?

Steve?

- I'm gonna k*ll that kid.
- Carl, Carl, wait, wait, wait.

- I think he's sleepwalking.
- Really?

Steve?

Carl, don't. It's dangerous
to wake a sleepwalker.

Oh, no problem. I think that I
can k*ll him without waking him up.

- You don't mean that.
- Oh, yes. I. Do.

Safe at last. What's
the matter with this kid?

Oh!

- Carl, Carl, no, Carl.
- Let me go, Harriette, let me go.

Oh, what's the matter, Big Guy? I
just wanted to give you your paper.

Steve, late last night you
walked into our bedroom.

In your hand was a
rolled up newspaper.

And you repeatedly hit
Carl over the head with it.

Let me get this straight.

I walked into your bedroom
in the middle of the night.

- That's right.
- With a rolled up newspaper.

That's right.

And did this?

That's right.

Oh, poppycock.

Why would I bash the
father of the woman I love?

- Touching.
- Sorry.

Steve, you were sleepwalking.

Hmm.

That might explain why I woke up this
morning in the dairy case at 7 Eleven.

Well. Apparently, I require professional
help from a qualified therapist.

Carl, I'm really sorry. I had
absolutely no idea I was doing this.

Carl, Carl, Carl, no,
no, don't, don't, don't.

How much longer are they
gonna be in that kitchen?

As long as it takes, Carl.

Chill out.

Dr. Goodrich said that he
can't put Steve under hypnosis...

until he gets some sense of
his psychological make-up.

Hah. That's easy.
The kid is nutso.

Look, Carl, Dr. Goodrich was
nice enough to come over here...

so let's leave the
diagnosis up to him.

After all, he is one
of the most brilliant...

and highly respected
therapists in the country.

He'll definitely be
able to help Steve.

And then, when I was 7, I
started stealing candy bars.

Of course. You were compensating
for a lack of attention from your mother.

A cry for help?

Yes, and as you grew older
it manifested in other ways.

And that would explain your
compulsion for nude skydiving.

Yes. Oh, yes.

Thank you.

We're ready now.

Steve, if you'll take a seat,
we'll put you under hypnosis.

All right.

Doctor, can you make him quack
like a duck every time the phone rings?

Ms. Crawford, I am a medical
doctor, not a carnival act.

He's not gonna make him quack.

Ready, Steve?

Give it your best
sh*t, but I've got to

warn you, you won't
be able to hypnotize me.

Oh?

Oh, yes, I'm far too
intelligent to fall for the old...

"keep your eye on
the watch" routine.

Actually, the higher the intelligence,
the easier it is to be hypnotized.

Ah! So you say, but... Oh.

- Now, Steve...
- Hmm?

You are sitting in a chair
in the Winslow living room.

- Ahh...
- You're here with wonderful friends.

- Hi, sugar.
- Estelle, my belle.

Hi, Steve.

Rachel, the world's
most beautiful boss.

Hi, Steve.

Hmm. Interesting.

Steve, it's me, Carl.

Big Guy.

Doc, I think he's mad at me.

Yes, the question is why.

Steve, why are
you angry at Carl?

Because he hates me.

He wants me to move
away and never come back.

- Is he making this up?
- Oh, no.

Most people under
hypnosis don't lie.

But I never told
Steve that I hate him.

Well, he got that idea somehow.

- Can you find out what happened?
- We can try.

Steve, I want you to go back
in time, do you understand?

Yes.

I'm... I'm being born.

My head pops out.

I can see my dad.

Whoa! I'm being pushed back in!

Steve. Steve.

Steve, you went too far back.

Go back to the time when
you felt angry at Carl Winslow.

It was about a month ago.

A couple of hours
before the costume party.

Costume party.

Costume party.

Laura, are Maxine's parents
chaperoning this party tonight?

Oh, no, they're out of town.

But don't worry. Three kids are
dressing up as responsible adults.

I'm just kidding, Mom.
Max's parents will be there.

Good. And if I were you...

I wouldn't tease me
while I'm holding a needle.

Yes!

- What is it, Dad?
- I finally finished my clipper ship.

It took me four and a half
months to do it, but I finally did it.

Oh.

"Oh?" That's all you can say?

Oh. Oh, it's nice, Daddy.

Hear ye, hear ye.

Make way for Sir
Steve, the Earl of Urkel!

Giddyup. Giddyup.

Hail, Winslows, well met.

Cute horse. Get it out.

Oh, very well.

Squires, make sure
Winifred is well fed.

- Come on, horsie. Giddyup. Giddyup.
- No, giddy out. Giddy out.

Oh, boss boat, Big Guy.

Oh, look out. Thank you
very much. Stay away from it.

Milady, thy beauty doth stun me.

Though bards warble
praises of thy loveliness...

truly they doth not
doeth thee justith.

Okay, who told
you about the party?

- Freddy Momo.
- What?

He swore he wouldn't tell.

Oh, come on, he'd sell
his sister for a Mars Bar.

Steve, I'm not going
to the party with you.

Well, okay, I'll meet you there.
But, hey, save a dance for me.

Mm. Where's my lance?

Oh!

Aah!

Did I do that?

I'm really sorry, Carl.

Steve...

I'm very upset right now.

So I think that you
just better leave, okay?

- Oh, yes, sir. Yes.
- Mm-hm, mm-hm.

Look at this. Would you look?

Jesus, my boat,
my poor little boat.

- Can you fix it, Dad?
- No.

Four and a half months of
work, and now this is junk.

You know, I hate that kid.

I wish he would just move away
and never, never come back. Yeah.

Oh, hey, I was upset.

I mean, I worked hard
on that clipper ship.

And I didn't even realize he
was in the room when I said it.

- Well, he was.
- And it hurt him.

Way to go, Carl.

Steve, when I snap my
fingers, you will awaken.

You will remember
everything you have told us.

You will no longer sleepwalk...

because you will no longer be
suppressing painful memories.

Three, two, one...

Darn, I can never do that.

See? I told you, Doc. You
just can't hypnotize me.

I'm afraid I did, Steve.

Do you remember what Carl
said the night of the costume party?

Oh.

I most certainly do.

Oh, wait a minute.
Oh, Harriette, if you...

Oh, where are you guys going?

I'm going to check your birth certificate
and make sure you're really my son.

Gee, Doc. Everybody's mad at me.

A normal psychological reaction.

- But I feel terrible about it.
- Normal as well.

Well, what do I owe you, Doc?

Forget it. I wouldn't
touch your filthy money.

Yeah, okay. See
you soon. Bye now.

Good news, Harriette.
I just talked to Steve.

- Did you apologize?
- Even better.

I asked him to come over so
I could apologize face to face.

That's more like it.

Yep. I'll just tell Steve
that I don't really hate him.

In fact, I'll tell him how terrific I think
he is. You know, lay it on real thick.

Hello, Harriette.

Sergeant Winslow.

- What is that?
- My polygraph.

You brought a lie detector?

Correct.

- Why?
- Oh, come on.

Who do I look like,
Herbie the Hick?

Why it would be easy for you
to say that you don't hate me.

Why, you can even say I'm
terrific? You know, lay it on real thick?

Oh, I wouldn't do that.

Well, my little buddy here is
gonna make sure that you don't.

Oh, okay, let's
get this over with.

Now, Carl...

it's only fair to warn you that I have
"improved" this particular polygraph.

What do you mean improved?

I've adjusted it so that
every time you tell a lie...

you will receive a
slight electric shock.

- Forget it.
- Well, what's the matter, Carl?

You'll be fine as long as you tell
the truth. No fibbee, no shockee.

That's right.

You don't have anything
to hide, do you, Carl?

Okay. Okay. Heh-heh-heh.

Well, go ahead. Carl
Winslow is an honest man.

Okay.

Here we go.

All right. Is Carl
Winslow your real name?

- Yes, it is.
- Mm.

Are you happily married?

Yes, I am.

- How old are you?
- Heh. Thirty five.

Uh, uh, uh... Thirty
eight. Thirty eight. I'm 38.

All right.

Now you know I mean business.

Now, let's get to the
heart of the matter.

Carl Winslow, do you hate me?

No.

- Are you crazy about me?
- Sure.

- Well, do you like me a lot?
- Absolutely.

Well, do you even
care about me at all?

Yes, I do.

Hey, what happened?
It was working great.

Steve, your machine
is not broken.

I really do care about you.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Look, let's talk for a moment.

When you smashed
my ship I flipped out.

I said what I said out of anger.

Now that doesn't excuse
it, but I hope it explains it.

You know the saying:

"Sticks and stones may break my
bones, but words will never hurt me"?

- Sure.
- Well, it's wrong. Words do hurt.

They sure do.

You know, when I was your age...

I was a tad overweight.

Okay, I was fat, okay.

But a lot of mean kids said
some really mean things.

That hurt a lot.

Yeah.

Steve, when I said that I
hated you, I said it out of anger...

and I honestly did not
mean it, and I'm sorry.

Apology accepted.
Thanks, Big Guy.

Well, Harriette, everything
worked out just fine.

I'm glad.

So, Carl.

How many women were
you serious about before me?

None, dear.

Oh, three.

Steve, get these
things off of me!

- Oh, come on, Carl. How many?
- Uh, uh... Uh, twelve.

Oh, for God sakes,
man, tell her the truth.