03x08 - Making the Team

[bunniefuu]

Hi, Uncle Carl.

Hello, Richie.

Can I have a doughnut too?

Doughnut?

Come on, Uncle Carl.

The day you eat Oat Bran is
the day they make me Pope.

Sure. Help yourself.

If you want glazed,
they're in the granola box.

Uncle Carl, will you
sponsor me in a bike-a-thon?

It's for a good cause.

Well, sure.

How's five bucks?

How about 500?

- Ten dollars.
- Two hundred.

Fifteen, and I won't tell your mother
who put the frog in her underwear drawer.

Make it 20, and I won't tell Aunt
Harriette where you hide the doughnuts.

Deal. I always enjoy
giving to charity.

Well, it's not exactly charity.

Oh? Then what's the good cause?

It's 'cause I need a new bike.

- Steve!
- Huh!

Hey, Eddo. What are you
doing skulking behind that door?

Isn't there somebody
else you can annoy?

Sorry, it's your turn.

Hey, wanna join me
in a little hoop du jour?

Can't, dude.

Well, why not?

It would hurt my reputation.

As a starting
forward on the team...

it's my duty to play
round ball, not nerd ball.

But I've been practicing, and my progress
is impressive, even if I do say so myself.

And since no one will play
with me, I have to say so myself.

I'll just take your word for it.

Oh, but you won't have to.

You'll see me in action when
I try out for the school team.

What?

Steve, that's a big mistake.

You'll never make the team.

But Eddie, I'm good.

Hey, big guy.

Don't start with me, Steve.
I'm not in the mood for you.

Ah, cranky. Perhaps you
need to visit old Mr. Laxative.

What I need is a new boss.

Lieutenant Murtagh
is driving me nuts.

He talked me into carpooling.
He said it would save us money.

Well, it would.

But he always comes up with
some lame excuse and I have to drive.

So far, the only money we've
been saving is Murtagh's.

- What's his excuse today?
- Tsk.

He can't shift because he got his
sleeve caught in his electric tie rack.

And he almost slapped
himself to death.

Bomp, bomp, bomp, bomp!

Hey, don't stop. Freak
accidents do happen.

Don't I know it.

I've got an uncle, Dirk Urkel...

who was blessed with a
two-foot long nose hair.

Well, he got it trapped in
the rear door of a Buick...

and was dragged
eight-and-a-half blocks.

- Hi, everybody.
- Hi, sweetie.

Am I old enough to see that?

I don't think I'm old
enough to see that.

I need you to sign
this permission slip.

I wanna be a cheerleader. Now,
Ma, I know what you're thinking.

All the other cheerleaders are juniors
and seniors and I'm just a freshman.

Laura, please. You're a shoo-in.

After all, you are my niece, and that
means cheerleading is in your blood.

Tell me more.

Don't worry, she will.

I was so gifted, that
when I graduated...

they retired my pom poms.

They had to. They
were starting to sag.

Excuse me?

Laura... if you don't
make the squad...

you're gonna end up crying yourself
to sleep, night after endless night.

Ma, you don't have
to worry about me.

I don't? How come?

Because I tried out this
afternoon and I made it.

One, two, three, four.

One, two, three, four.

All right.

One, two, three, four.

One, two, three, four.

One, two, three, four.

- Listen up, gentlemen, listen up.
- Yo!

Now I ask you,
what is a Muskrat?

A large, aquatic rodent!

Well, yeah.

But what is a
Vanderbilt Muskrat?

A physically overdeveloped,
mentally deficient high school student!

What's your name?

Urkel, sir. Steven Q.

What kind of a name
is "Urkel Sir Steven Q"?

Dutch?

Ah... Yeah.

- Well, relax. Don't try so hard.
- Yes, sir.

All right, let's see
what you kids can do.

- Uh, coach?
- What do you want?

I've never tried out
for athletics before...

and the equipment list said
that every guy should wear a cup.

- That's right.
- Well, I didn't have one...

so is it all right with you? I'm
wearing a Bart Simpson mug.

My turn. Guys, guys, right here.

I'm open. Guys, guys, guys. Hey!

Would somebody pass me the ball?

All right.

First thing tomorrow,
check the bulletin board...

and find out if
you're a Muskrat.

Coach? Coach?

Oh, the Dutchman.

What's the matter? Did
you break your mug?

No, it's just that no one
would pass me the ball.

And I mean, I'm
really, really good.

Look, kid.

You're not a basketball player.

Well, why not?

- In short, you're short.
- Oh...

But you do have spunk.

And that's one of the two main
ingredients for a good equipment manager.

Oh. What's the
other main ingredient?

A high humiliation tolerance.

Listen up, men...

say hello to our new
equipment manager.

Ready, okay.

Bing, bang, bong, tilt.

We can't lose, we're Vanderbilt!

How rousing.

I wrote that cheer in 1947...

and it still makes me
want to shake my booty.

Oh, Ms. Gherkin,
you cr*ck me up.

And, Cassie Lynn, you're doing
a wonderful job with the girls.

Thank you, Ms. Gherkin.

I do try to keep the
girls on their toes.

Well, it shows, Cassie Lynn.

Ms. Gherkin? I've made up some
new cheers. Can I show them to you?

Laura, you can show them to me.

Ms. Gherkin is far too busy
to listen to your little cheers.

Yes, dear, show them to Cassie.

Hey. Listen, freshman...

don't you ever do that again.

What?

I'm the captain of this squad.
I decide what cheers we do.

I know, but don't you think our
cheers are a little old-fashioned?

Oh, and you think you're
so hip, you little geek?

I was just thinking we
could try something new.

And by the way, if you
ever call me "geek" again...

you'll be digesting
those pom poms.

What a thug.

Come on, girls.

Hey, if anybody wants to go
to Rachel's Place, it's my treat.

Girls, girls, she's a freshman.

Sorry, Laura.

Hello, Steve?

Yes, I actually called you.

Steve. Steve, stop cheering.

I've got a problem,
and believe it or not...

the only person who
might understand is you.

I'm almost tempted to ask you to
come over so I can talk to you about it.

Hi, baby cakes.

What's with the apron?

Oh, I was washing the
basketball team's uniforms.

You have to do
the team's laundry?

Affirmative.

They have to be static-free...

and squeaky clean for the big
game tomorrow against Willow Glen.

Oh...

Steve, sit down, there's
something I wanna talk to you about.

You mean, you really
do wanna talk to me?

I'm all ears, little lady.

Okay, here goes.

Well, wouldn't
you say I've been...

popular, I guess?
Part of the in-crowd?

Oh, yes. Absolutely.

I'm not popular with
the cheerleaders.

They treat me like dirt,
just because I'm a freshman.

I mean, they're mean to
me, they make fun of me.

They...

- They...
- They treat you the way people treat me?

Yeah. How do
you stand it, Steve?

Well, I just don't
let it bother me.

You mean, laughing on the outside
while you're crying on the inside?

No way. If you cry on the inside,
sooner or later your insides mildew.

Then how do you hide the hurt?

You don't.

I've learned that if you
fill your heart with hope...

there won't be
any room for hurt.

Look, I tried out for the basketball team
and I ended up being equipment manager.

But they see me
sulking and moaning?

- No.
- Of course not.

I do that in private.

I've decided to be the best
darn equipment manager...

that's ever managed equipment.

And maybe next
year, I'll make the team.

Yeah. I'll try to be the
best cheerleader possible.

And maybe next year, they'll
let me show my new cheers.

Attaway, Laura.

You know, I
actually feel better.

Steve, I'm gonna
tell you something.

But I don't want you to
over-exaggerate its importance...

or read more into it
than really is there.

Oh, don't worry, I won't.

Thanks for the talk.

You love me, don't you?

Come on, Eddie. Come on, Eddie!

Come on. Let's support our team.
We're cheerleaders, remember?

Oh, shut up.

I only cheer at sporting
events. This is a bloodbath.

Psst!

Lieutenant? What
are you doing here?

Rooting for old alma
mater. Willow Glen.

What did you get your
letter for, home ec?

Football, sir, all conference.

I figured your school
must be good at cooking.

They're certainly not
good at basketball.

The game's not over yet, sir.

Ah!

Here. I got you. Unh! Unh!

Downey, go in for Sanders.

Mom, aren't we
running out of players?

We sure are, honey.

Yeah. Every time the crowd
goes "aw" we lose another guy.

Yep.

If the crowd goes "aw" one more time,
we're gonna have to forfeit the game.

Aw!

Huddle up. Huddle up.

Come on. Set him down on the
floor. Set him down. Set him down.

Well, men.

We made a valiant effort...

but it looks like Willow Glen
has found our one weak spot.

What's that, coach?

Basketball.

We only have four
players who aren't injured.

I'll tell the ref we're
throwing in the towel.

Wait, coach. Put me in.

What?

Have you been sniffing liniment?

- No, coach, really, I'm good.
- Urkel, you're not going in.

Coach, if you forfeit the
game, they might fire you.

Urkel, you're going in.

They're sending
Steve into the game.

They're sending
in that Urkel kid.

What?

We've got cheerleaders
taller than him.

Give me a V. ALL: V.

You got your V. You
got your V. Give me an H.

- H.
- You got your H.

You got your H. Give me an S.

- S.
- You got your S. You got your S.

Now hush. You
don't want none of us.

Do you, do you? Do you,
do you? Do you, do you?

No, I don't think so.

Steven! Steven! Steven!

Steven! Steven! Steven!

- Give me a V.
- V.

You got your V. You got your V.

- Give me an H.
- H.

You got your H. You got your H.

- Give me an S.
- S.

You got your S, you
got your S. Now hush.

You don't want none of us.

Do you, do you? Do you,
do you? Do you, do you?

No, I don't think so.

Steve! Steve! Steve!

Steve! Steve! Steve!

Steve, you were right.
Anything is possible.

- Will you marry me?
- Except that.