03x09 - Born to Be Mild

[bunniefuu]

Laura, my fragile flower.

You smell especially
fragrant today.

- I do?
- Oh, yes...

now what is it that sends
my nostrils into overdrive?

Arpege? Chanel? Shalimar?

Sweet and sour meatloaf.

Ah. Yes. Only you could
enhance the aroma of old meat.

Eddie, look.

Uh-oh. It's the Dragons.

Table.

Oh, my. A building with hair.

- Oh.
- Table for seven, geek.

Okay. Coming right
up. And that's Mr. Geek.

Excuse me. But do you have
a name or just a zip code?

Osgood.

Osgood? Oh,
that's a great name...

if you're a duck.

Oh.

Steve, are you okay?

Not really, I fell
on my house keys.

Look, why don't you guys
just haul it out of here?

- And what if we don't?
- Then I'll have to get...

tough.

What's going on here?

Well, hello.

- My name is Chain.
- Chain? Chain what?

Just Chain. You know, like
Sting, or Geraldo, or Madonna.

Sometimes one name says it all.

Yeah. Like "jerk." MEN: Ooh.

Hey, you got spunk.

- Do you wanna go out with me sometime?
- Nope.

I wasn't talking to you.

- Do you wanna go out with me?
- No.

See?

- Come on, let's go to a movie.
- Don't touch me.

Come on, baby.

Ooh.

- You slapped my hand.
- The lady asked not to be touched.

I do what I want, when I
want, and you can't stop me.

Okay.

I was hoping it wouldn't
come to v*olence.

But there's only one thing brutes,
bullies, and Neanderthals understand...

and that's fists of fire.

Hey, what are you doing?

Unhand me. Put me down.

What is going on out here?
- Well, well, well.

- Hey, baby. Yes.
- Another nice chick.

Old, but good legs.

Look, I want you to
get out of here right...

Old?

- Hey, do you own this place?
- Yes.

And I don't want people
like you in here. So get lost.

- What?
- You heard the lady. Get lost.

- You standing up to me?
- That's right.

- And so am I.
- And so is my friend, Waldo.

Right, Waldo?

Waldo?

Anybody seen Waldo?

You see, you people are rude. And
you shouldn't be rude to a customer.

Because something
bad might happen.

- Hey.
- Uh-oh.

- Oops. A accident.
- Oh, boy.

Look, I want you to get out
of here, before I call the police.

More rudeness. Guys, do you
feel another accident coming on?

Yes, we do.

- One, two, three...
- Hold it!

Is there a problem here, fellas?

No, there's no problem.
We were just leaving, officer.

Well, you know, leaving
is a very, very good thing.

But you know,
never coming back...

is an even better thing.

Wait a minute.

Did you break that glass?

Pay the lady.

Thank you. Have a nice day.

Yeah, don't come back
either. Go get a haircut.

Yeah, brush your teeth.

Then they all picked
up the dishes and chairs.

Yeah, they wanted to
destroy my restaurant.

No place is safe anymore.

That's when Daddy
walked in and saved the day.

Yes, Chicago's finest. Heh.

I wish I were there. I would've
given those punks a kung fu sammich.

Atta way, Richie. You would have
absolutely shattered their knee caps.

Hello?

Oh, hi, Carl. What?

Oh, my God.

When did this
happen? Uh... Uh... Uh...

All right, then.
We'll be right down.

Harriette, what's wrong?

The Dragons just
trashed your restaurant.

I've gotta get down there
right away. Excuse me, honey.

Wait, Laura.

Now, this ugly incident
may be too grisly...

for your delicate
eyes to behold.

Move it or lose it.

My restaurant.

- My poor restaurant.
- Rachel, I'm sorry.

We just didn't get here in
time to catch them in the act.

Look at this. They sure
left their calling card.

The whole place is ruined.

- Carl, can't you arrest these guys?
- Yes, we can.

- And we will.
- Good.

But two hours later the
Dragons will be back on the street.

What? Why?

Because every gangbanger will
produce 10 people who will say...

they were someplace
else when this happened.

These hoodlums can just do
whatever they want and get away with it?

I wouldn't go that far.

I would.

Eddie. RACHEL: No, Eddie.

Eddie.

- Edward, who did this to you?
- The Dragons.

How did this happen?

I was walking home.
And all of a sudden...

eight of them jumped out from
behind a Volkswagen Minibus.

Cowards. They disgrace
the word Fahrvergnügen.

Eddie, are you okay?
Does anything feel broken?

No. It hurts a little, but
only wimps give in to pain.

Come on, sweetie,
let me get you home.

Then I can put some
antiseptic on those cuts.

Mom, that stuff stings.

Well, Laura, let's get
this place cleaned up.

How long do you
think it will take us?

If we start now and
work through the night...

about two years.

- Big guy, you okay?
- No, I'm not, Steve. I want revenge.

- But you can't. You're a cop.
- But I'm a father first.

Wait, wait, wait. I said wait.

What is it?

Now you're upset,
and with good reason.

But if you go out Dragon bashing,
they'll scream police brutality...

and you'll lose your job.

Steve, are you saying that I should
forget what they did to my son?

No. I know a way we
can get the Dragons...

and you can still
keep your badge.

What is it?

Well, suppose we can
get some hard evidence...

to prove that the Dragons
were responsible for this?

That way no one
could lie to save them.

Well, how do you suppose
we get this hard evidence?

Wire me, big guy.

I'm going in.

Steve, I wish you'd let
me talk you out of this.

I still think this is too
dangerous for you.

Bull puckey.

Why, Danger is my middle name.

And besides, you guys will
be listening to every word.

So if I get in trouble, why you'll just
rush in and yank my bacon out of the fire.

Pardon me. Listen
up, here's my plan.

We'll be in a van, at the end of
the alley, right by the brown lake.

Sir, that's a coffee stain.

- Thank you, sergeant.
- You're welcome, sir.

Never correct me
in front of the kid.

Gentlemen...

our neighborhood has
been stolen from us.

Tonight we take it back.

Tonight the dreaded
Dragons face Steven Q. Urkel...

better known as the Urk Man.

Shut up!

We're gonna put this to a vote.

Who wants to go to the
movie and then rob them?

Yeah.

All right, who wants to go
bowling and then rob them?

Bowling it is.

Yo.

Nervous, huh?

Yeah, well, I'd jump
too, if I saw me coming.

Love what you've
done with the place.

You got five seconds to tell me why
I shouldn't stuff you in a dumpster.

Gentlemen, rejoice.
I'm here to join.

Wait a minute. I know you.

You're that little nerd
from the burger joint.

Ah. That's my day job.
But by night I'm Urk Man...

a deranged, antisocial,
bloodthirsty psycho.

What are you looking at?

Take a picture,
it'll last longer.

- Pretty tough, huh?
- Yeah, I'm tough.

Well, how tough?

Well, when I was born
and the doctor slapped me...

- Yeah?
- I sh*t him.

Ooh.

Heh. Sorry, just something
about those cheese puffs.

Now, where was I?

Oh, yeah, how tough am I.

Yeah, well, I also do
my own dental work.

And I've been known to return
video tapes without rewinding.

Hey, Chain, you want
me to hit this punk?

Try me, chunky trunks.

But it's only fair to warn you
that I'm a black belt in karate...

and I used to practice
in the Sahara Forest.

Man, the Sahara is a desert.

Sure, now.

Ah!

All right, let's
talk membership.

Now, do you need a letter of
recommendation from a previous g*ng?

Sit down.

Well, I gotta give Steve credit.

- They haven't k*lled him yet.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Winslow, check these out.

- What?
- Trick handcuffs.

They look exactly
like regulation cuffs.

Sir, shouldn't we be paying more
attention to Steve's transmission?

If he needs us, he'll scream.

Know what's beautiful
about these guys?

They're great
icebreakers at singles bars.

Mm-hm.

Uh... Sir, we're on duty. This
is no time for fooling around.

Well, excuse me,
Sergeant Killjoy.

- Where's the key for these?
- There isn't one.

You just tap them on
a certain spot. Watch.

- Ow.
- Wrong spot.

I think these babies are defective.
Good thing I kept the receipt.

Would you get these off?

I see someone is mighty
good with a spray can.

Yeah.

I'm an artiste.

Did you do that great
dragon at Rachel's Place?

Yeah. Did you see that?

I was gonna have it coming
out of this lake of fire...

but I thought it was
too derivative and trite.

Oh, absolutely.

Oh, and kudos to you on the great
job you did on smashing up the place.

Ha-ha. Well, thank you.
I can't take all the credit.

The guys here helped.
We're like a family.

Yeah, cool.

Wow. It's nice that
you do things together.

Oh, yeah.

Were you together when
you b*at up the Winslow kid?

Yeah, it was a team effort.

You talk too much.

- Get up.
- Why? I'm comfy.

I've been thinking.
Something doesn't add up.

- What might that be?
- I've seen two versions of you.

A wimpy little nerd and this.

So I ask myself, which
one is the real one?

And I don't think it's this.

Nice earring.

Ow!

Why, lucky for you
that was a clip-on.

So then I ask myself,
if this is just an act...

why are you really here?

Ooh.

Come up with an answer?

It occurs to me that
you could be wired.

Oh, no. Now I may have taken
a sip of my mom's coffee but...

I'm talking about
the other kind of wire.

Enough!

You're abso-tootle-lutely
right, Chain.

I am wired.

And I've got the blitherings of
that Picasso pinhead on tape.

So come on and get them, big
guy. It's time to collect the garbage.

Well, come on,
Carl. Don't dawdle.

Lieutenant, we gotta
get these off now.

You know, Chain. I'm not
really wearing a wire. I was lying.

Ho! How'd that get there?

Forget it, Lieutenant.
We're going in. Now.

Yeah, but...

Calm down!

- I said calm down.
- Hmm.

Freeze! Police.

Drop the Kn*fe. I
said, drop the Kn*fe.

And hands off the nerd.

What in Sam Hill
took you guys so long?

- We had to be really, really sure.
- Really sure.

Well, ten more seconds and I
would have been a Steve kebab.

You did real good,
Steve. I'm proud of you.

Gee, thanks, big guy.

Now let's cuff these bohunks
and feed them to the paddy wagon.

- No cuffs, no cuffs.
- No cuffs.

We're gonna go outside.

Keep your hands high.

- Take it slow.
- Here we go. One at a time.

- One at a time.
- See the officers outside.

Let's go, keep it moving.
Keep it moving, come on.

Pick up the pace,
Mr. Backwards Hat.

Hey, you guys are so
casual and so nonchalant.

Hey, we're professionals.

- A toast.
- Ooh, ooh.

To Rachel's Place.
Back and better than ever.

Thank you. I wanna
tell you I appreciate...

the way you pitched in
and helped me clean up.

Rachel, we're family.

And we don't expect to
be charged for this food.

- Wait a minute. One more toast.
- Oh.

To the young man who helped put
the Dragons away for a very long time.

- Steven Urkel.
- Yes.

Aw. Thanks, big guy.

Hey, may I draw your attention to
the menu and the new Urkel Sandwich?

Yeah. It's a hero sandwich,
but it's mostly bologna.