03x11 - Old and Alone

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Family Matters". Aired: September 22, 1989 - May 9, 1997.*
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A spin-off of Perfect Strangers, the series revolves around the Winslow family, a middle-class African-American family and their nerdy neighbor Steve Urkel.
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03x11 - Old and Alone

Post by bunniefuu »

- Hey, hey, hey, I'll race you.
- Come on.

- Oh! You win.
- Ha-ha-ha.

Thank you, my dear.

I am a blur.

Laura, what's the matter?

Well, it's my 15th birthday...

and I'm a great big zero
in the babe department.

I didn't get one single
birthday card from a guy.

I mean, I got 23 cards. Six from
relatives, and 17 from Steve Urkel.

And this one even
has his face on it.

Wait. Before you
open it up, let me leave.

That's number seven.

- Learn how to throw the ball.
- You couldn't catch a plane.

- You need to learn how to throw the ball.
- Waldo, Waldo.

Say man, I'm dating
three chicks right now...

and it's getting kind of
expensive with inflation.

Oh, I get it. They're not
real girls, they're inflatable.

Waldo, just loan me $20 so I
can take Amy to the movies.

Use your noggin, Eddie.

Just put Amy in your pocket
till you get into your seat.

Then blow her up.

- Hi. RACHEL: Hey,
Mother Winslow.

- How was your tennis game?
- Great.

I whipped the
Fergusons in straight sets.

- Ooh, doubles. Who was your partner?
- I didn't need one, honey.

- I got it.
- Okay.

Hi, Laura.

Daniel?

Daniel Wallace?

That'd be me. Heh.

Excuse me for one second.

Come in, won't you?

Oh, uh, here, happy birthday.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, hi, I'm Daniel.

Hi, I'm...

leaving.

Uh, kids, why don't we go into the kitchen
and find something to...? To, uh...?

- Eat.
- Good, good, okay.

Wow, Stinky E and The Toxic
Wasters. I love their music.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Can I get you anything to drink?

A soda would be nice.

Coming right up.

Yes.

It's my sweetie's special
day Doo Dah, Doo Dah

Tons of presents on their
way All the Doo Dah day

Gonna please my
miss Maybe I'll get a kiss

On my Laura's special
day All the Doo Dah...

Hey!

Wallace?

- Daniel Wallace?
- That'd be me.

Great Caesar's ghost.
What are you doing here?

I came to see Laura.

What? You what?

I wanted to give
her her birthday gift.

What? You what?

- You heard me.
- Hold it.

Laura Winslow is spoken
for. And the language is Urkel.

Are you kidding me?

I'll have you know that I'm
Laura's numero uno macho man.

I'm her sunshine on a rainy day.

The sugar on her Corn Flakes.
I'm her, shall I say, boy toy.

Hey, look, Urkel. I like
Laura. And what I like, I take.

Whoa!

Whoa!

- Take?
- Yeah.

Girls can't resist me, man.

But hey, don't worry...

when I get bored with
Laura you can have her back.

Why, you brazen philanderer.

You prey on tender and fragile
women and break their hearts.

Well, not on purpose.

But hey, I gotta admit,
you know, it does happen.

Fine, Wallace.
Take a sh*t at Laura.

But actually, it's quite brave of
you, considering the risk involved.

Hey, wait a minute. What
are you talking about?

Laura's got the highly infectious
mucus nasalosis inflammacus.

Oh, my God.

What is that?

Well, it starts off
with a little cough.

Then your nasal
passages swell...

and your nose and your throat
slam shut tighter than a clam.

- Whoa, man.
- Yeah.

And then, if you sneeze...

why, your entire head explodes
like a cherry b*mb in a cantaloupe.

Hey, wait a minute. Hey, you know,
you could be making this whole thing up.

Could.

But if I'm not, the last two
words you'll ever say will be:

Ah choo.

Ah... Ah... Ah...

Sorry I took so long
but I had to crush the ice.

Where's Daniel?

Uh, now, let's see, which
Daniel would that be?

There's, uh...
There's Boone. Um...

Rather.

- Glover.
- Wallace.

- Gone.
- Why?

Why did he leave?
Why is he not here?

Oh, who knows? You know
how flighty those pretty boys are.

- Talk.
- He might have gotten the idea...

that you had mucus nasalosis inflammacus
and that his head would blow up.

Well, why'd you tell him that?

Because Wallace
is a cad. A bounder.

Why, a wolf in
designer clothing.

Get out.

Get out now.

Here's a thought.
Why don't I just leave?

And don't come back. Ever.

Now, you've said that before
and you don't really mean it.

This time I do.

I mean it with every fiber of my
being. I don't ever wanna see you again.

Goodbye.

Come in.

Hello, honey.

Brought you a
piece of your cake.

You feeling better now?

I wonder how Steve is feeling.

Laura. Oh, my Laura.

Laura!

Oh, Laura!

Laura, honey...

don't you think you were
a little tough on Steve?

No.

He chased away Daniel Wallace.
He's the cutest boy in my whole school.

Is this the same Daniel Wallace who
dumped Maxine a couple months ago?

Yeah.

You called him a slimy,
low-down, womanizing pig-boy.

But that was before.
Now he's interested in me.

Laura.

Mom, just leave me alone, okay?

See? Now you're pushing me out.

That's what happens when
you start cutting people off.

It becomes a habit,
and as the years go by...

you start pushing more and
more people out of your life.

And then all of a sudden you look around
only to find that you're old and alone.

Old and alone.

Old and alone.

Old and Alone.

Hello? Hello, is anybody home?

- Heh, heh. Hey. I'll race you.
- Okay.

You win.

Oh...

Who put that there?

Mom. Dad. How'd you get so old?

Easy. We didn't die.

How old are you? How old am I?

Her mind is slipping again.

Laura, we're 110, and
you're 90 years old today.

We had to go to five different stores
to get enough candles for your cake.

What's going on?

I mean, when I went to bed I
was 15. I woke up and I'm 90.

Just be thankful you woke up.

Look at me. I got
wrinkles, my hair is gray...

and I'm slightly
larger in the rear end.

Slightly?

You could serve dinner
for eight on that butt.

I can't believe this.

- You know what, Hannah?
- Harriette.

Right.

You look beautiful.

What say you and I go
upstairs and fool around, huh?

Ah, ah, ah.

Don't you remember?
We already did.

Yeah?

- You were marvelous.
- Heh, heh.

Of course.

At what?

Judy. Richie. What
happened to you?

You're older, but you
didn't get any bigger.

We didn't eat our vegetables.

And we stayed up
past our bedtime.

Laura, my precious Poligrip.

Steve.

Oh, I'm glad you
weren't upstairs.

Steve, how are you?

Oh, fine. I'm fine.

And you, oh, you're
as lovely as ever.

Those eyes, that hair...

and, whoa, Mama, what a heinie.

I can't believe I'm saying this,
but I'm actually glad to see you.

Oh, at my age, I'm glad
to see anything. Ha, ha.

Whoa...

Come on. Let's sit down.

Easier said than done,
but I'll give it a sh*t.

Steve, I'm sorry I
kicked you out of my life.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Maybe you and I could...

Yes?

Go out on a date.

Fate is so cruel.

Well, what do you mean?

Seventy five long, endless, agonizing
years I've waited to hear those words...

and now, after all that
time, just yesterday...

I met some chick
and got married.

What?

Yoo-hoo, Lulu.

Yes, Steven, darling?

Laura, Lulu. Lulu, Laura.

Charmed, I'm sure.

Come on. Let's sing
"Happy Birthday" to Lillian.

- Laura.
- Right.

Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday dear No.

Laura Please, no.

No.

Happy birthday to you No. No.

No. Please no.

No. No.

- No.
- Laura.

Laura, wake up. Laura.

I'm young again.

And my butt's back.

Where was it?

Steve, I had a
terrible nightmare.

I know. I was whimpering
under your window when I heard...

so I climbed right up.

Actually, I'm glad.

You are?

Yes.

Steve...

I shouldn't have
kicked you out of my life.

Oh, look, you had
a right to be upset.

After all, I did use my superior
intellect to scare away Daniel Wallace.

Maybe I should have thanked you.

I know he's got that "love
them and leave them" rep.

I was just hoping that
maybe I'd be different.

Laura, you are different.

Well, I was afraid that
he'd realize that too.

And then I'd lose you.

- You never had me.
- Let's not split hairs.

Okay.

Steve, I overreacted, and
I'd like you to forgive me.

Wow.

An apology?

Oh, thank you so much.

Oh, I accept.

You know, Laura, this is
a really special moment...

and, well, I think that we
should celebrate it by...

getting married.

- No. No. No.
- Engaged. Going steady.

- A date. A kiss.
- No. No.

- A handshake.
- No.

- I'll see you tomorrow? I'll take it.
- Yeah.
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