03x17 - Food, Lies and Videotape

[bunniefuu]

Steve, I can't talk now.
I'm cooking breakfast.

No, you're not invited.
It's just for the family.

Steve, stop begging.

I gotta go. This is the first time I've
ever cooked a whole meal before.

And if I don't pay close attention,
my beautiful breakfast will go up in...

Smoke! My food's on fire.

Have no fear, Urkman is here.

You're safe now, missy.

Thank you, Steve.

Now, I'm gonna give
you a compliment.

But it's only a compliment.

And it doesn't mean
anything more than that.

Oh, I understand.

You did good.

You love me, don't you?

What's going on down here?

And why do I smell
cinnamon-flavored smoke?

Well, you see, we had
a little muffin mayhem...

a small gastronomic goof-up,
minor Betty Crocker boo-boo.

Laura, translate.

Well, I tried to cook breakfast
and it came out a wee bit crispy.

Laura, this oven is on 550.

Well, the package said to
cook it at 275 for 20 minutes.

So I figured if I doubled the temperature
I could cook it in half the time.

Oh, that's rich. That's
one for the books.

How could a girl so smart
do something so... So...

So long.

Mom, I almost restarted
the Chicago fire.

You've never showed an
interest in cooking before.

The closest you've ever come is
picking up the phone and ordering a pizza.

I just figured it's time
I learned how to cook.

When I go away to college, I'll be
away from home for four long years.

And I might get hungry.

Could happen.

I think I'll take a
Home Ec class.

- Why? I'll teach you how to cook.
- No, thank you.

Why not?

Well, Mom, you're not exactly
the most patient teacher.

What do you mean?

Do you remember when you
tried to teach me how to sew?

You made me so nervous...

I had to go to the hospital
to get the thimble removed.

Well, on second thought,
maybe Home Ec is the way to go.

And we are now entering the
residence of one of Chicago's finest.

Police Sergeant Carl Winslow.

And here's the spot where
Police Sergeant Winslow...

drops his bag after a
hard day of fighting crime.

Hey.

Why, look. There's Police
Sergeant Winslow's mommy.

Hi, Mommy.

Why, look.

There's my lunatic son.

Hi, son.

Take a look at the camera I
bought at the police auction today.

Now we can videotape
all our special occasions.

Well, it's about time you
popped for something like this.

How long did it take you to
crowbar your wallet open?

Very funny. But, look, I
want you to spread the word.

No one, but no one, is
to touch this baby but me.

I'm the only one with
the skill to handle it.

Then you won't be in
any of the family videos.

Oh, sure I will. This
baby has a remote.

I'll be in all the videos.

Then you'll need
a wide-angle lens.

- Give us something.
- I don't...

Hi, everybody. Come on, say:

Come on. There you go.

Steve, why do you have
to take every class I take?

Because every moment we're
apart causes me excruciating pain.

That's funny. I get the same
pain when we're together.

Hello, Laura.

Hello, Cassie Lynn.

Oh, my God! What a great outfit.

I just love that
thrift-store look.

Thank you.

And I love that beauty mark.

Oh, I'm sorry. That's a big zit.

Hey, want me to pop that baby?

Waldo, aren't you in the
wrong class? This is Home Ec.

I know. I'm ready to bake, shake,
whip, dip, chip, chop and fricassee.

- Well, do you know how to cook?
- Not a stitch.

You're just taking Home Ec because
you think it's a Mickey Mouse course.

Okay, you're onto me.
I figure it's a surefire D.

I heard that, Waldo.

This is not a Mickey Mouse course.
Now, I expect you to try your best.

Okay, but I gotta warn
you, my best is pretty lousy.

All right. Class, this
semester we're...

Steven, you better get
going. You're late for class.

Oh, no, I'm not.
I'm in this class.

That's... That's
not funny, Steven.

Oh, I'm not joking.

So, what's cooking,
good looking?

Uh, excuse us just a minute.

Steven, last semester I
specifically asked you...

what class you would not
be taking this semester.

And you told me Home Ec.

Well, yes, I did.

But here you are.

It's not fair.

Now, there, there. Buck up.

It's only a few short months.

Months. Oh, months.

- Months.
- Oh, get a grip, Irene.

Hmm.

Laura, are you missing anything?

I don't think so.

Your watch.

- How about that?
- Mm-hm.

Takes a licking and
keeps on ticking.

Cooking is not a race
to the finishing line.

Now, I want you to
slow down and organize.

- Slow down and organize. I got it.
- Good.

You could have at least taken it
out of the wrapper, Cassie Lynn.

Are you saying I
didn't bake this?

Listen up, Nubbles.

If you want to
pass this class...

you're gonna have
to roll up your sleeves

and get your hands
dirty like everyone else.

Eww!

Voilà!

Waldo, what a turkey!

Hey, you don't have to like my
cooking, but please don't call me names.

Waldo, I was referring to
the turkey that you cooked.

It looks marvelous, but, Waldo,
the assignment was to bake bread.

I did.

But I got done early so I
decided to make some stuffing.

Then I needed something to
stuff, so I got myself a gobbler.

Mm. Oh, tastes marvelous.
It's so moist and flavorful.

Waldo, this is superior
work. I'm gonna give you an A.

Wow.

Could you write that A
down on a piece of paper?

I want to take it home
and read it to my mom.

Rise, dough, rise.
Come on. You can do it.

Steven, it's not a good sign when
you have to give your food a pep talk.

No. Class can't be over.
My bread's not done.

Oh, it is done,
Steven. It's dead.

But I don't understand. I
followed the recipe exactly.

Could it be bad yeast?

I don't know. But you
tried as hard as you could...

I'm gonna be generous
and give you a C.

A what? A what?

A "C." A "C."

But... But I never...

I never got less than an A.

- So?
- So I can't live with that.

- It'll ruin my transcript.
- Get ahold of yourself, Steven.

I can't. I can't.

Oh, the room is
spinning. Oh, yes, it is.

I'm getting dizzy. Oh,
my God, I feel stupid.

Eddie, what do you want?

Heh. A kiss would be nice.

We're supposed to be
studying history. Ahem.

Now, what did President Roosevelt
say to Joseph Stalin at the Yalta Summit?

Kiss me, baby.

- Hi.
- What are you doing?

I'm gonna send this to
America's Yuckiest Home Videos.

- I'm out of here.
- No, no. Vonda, wait.

Listen, we can continue
this someplace else.

Someplace more
romantic, more private.

- Like where?
- Like the garage.

Great, you can go ahead
and start without me.

Vonda, wait.

If you two are smart, you'll run
away from home before I get back.

Vonda, wait. Hey, baby, baby,
baby, don't go nowhere. Wait, wait.

Let's see what we sh*t so far.

Uh-oh.

Hey, don't look at
me. I don't know you.

Steven.

Steven.

Steven!

Yes, Irene?

Today's assignment is poultry.

- Where's your bird?
- Oh, my fryer's in the fridge.

But I'm not happy
with my grade in bread.

So I'm baking a makeup loaf.

Oh, well, I admire
your persistence.

Oh, I think you'll
also admire...

- my new secret ingredient.
- What's that?

I've invented new
Super Active Urkyeast.

- Urkyeast?
- Rolls off the tongue, doesn't it?

Yeah.

You see, I took ordinary
yeast, ascomycota fungi...

and zapped it with
high concentrations of...

Just bake it. Just bake it.

Mm-hm!

Oh, Cassie Lynn.

- What?
- Oh!

- Your chicken smells delicious.
- Who cares?

My hands are rough,
my hair is limp...

and I've got a gizzard
stain on my shirt.

But you're learning to cook.

Doesn't that make you feel
wonderfully good about yourself?

Oh, get a life.

Stick a fork in me, Ms. Steuben.

- I'm done.
- Oh, Laura.

What a beautiful presentation.

Mm. Perfection. Now,
you see what can happen

when you slow down
and take your time?

Yeah, you get food
you can actually eat.

And what is our epicurean
king cooking for us today?

Goose en croûte à la Waldo.

Oh, magnifique.

Oh, and, Waldo, thanks again for
catering my dinner party last weekend.

They like the poached
salmon beurre blanc?

- They loved it.
- And the crème brûlée?

They raved. You know,
Waldo, if you apply yourself...

you have the talent to
become a really great chef.

Wow, I've never been
good at anything before.

Well, I can play the
top 40 on my armpit.

But you know how fickle
the music business is.

Ms. Steuben!

It's... It's alive!

- What? Ah!
- It's my Urkyeast.

It appears the fungi has mutated and
its mass is tripling every few seconds!

- Oh, let's pray it's not intelligent.
- Well, what should we do?

- Stand back.
- Oh, God.

Ooh!

Save yourself!
Save yourself, Laura!

What should I do?

- What should I do?
- Get a container.

Catch the stuff.

Oh, cool.

Whoa.

Come on, Cassie
Lynn, let's help them.

Are you serious?
I'm wearing silk.

Well, I hope you know
a good dry cleaner.

- Carl, got a minute?
- Hm?

- Well, I am on my way to work.
- This won't take long.

Richie has something to
tell you. Go ahead, sweetie.

I'm a rotten slimeball.

- Come here, Richie. Come here.
- Go to Uncle Carl.

Now... Now, you
just calm down...

and tell your Uncle Carl
why you're a rotten slimeball.

I broke your new TV camera.

Oh, it was you.

- Well, how did it happen?
- I dropped it.

Richie told me he hasn't
slept since it happened.

And I told him he'd feel a lot
better if he just told you the truth.

Well, you know something?
Your mommy is right.

You should always
listen to your conscience.

- My conscience?
- Mm-hm.

That little voice that tells you
that you're doing the right thing.

- Mommy, you're like a conscience too.
- That's right, honey.

Only you're a lot louder.

That's right, honey.

Now, don't you feel better
having told Uncle Carl the truth?

- Sure do.
- And you know what? I feel better too.

Because I already knew
that you broke my camera.

I was just waiting to see if
you would come and tell me.

- Really?
- Mm-hm.

How'd you know?

Well, let's take a
look at the tape.

Now, you see?

It is obvious that the
cameraman was 3 feet tall.

Oops.

And we also have to talk to
Eddie about his study habits.

Ms. Steuben, I told the janitor
about our little problem here.

- Is he coming?
- Uh, no, he opted for early retirement.

I see.

Oh, I think he had the
right idea, Steven. I...

I think I'm gonna march myself
right down to the principal's office...

and turn in my spatula.

- What are you saying, Ms. Steuben?
- Oh, I'm quitting.

I just have to face the fact
that as a teacher I deserve an F.

Bite your tongue, Ms. Steuben.

Oh, boy, I already
did that when I slipped.

- You're a wonderful teacher.
- Oh, no.

I'm a nervous teacher. Oh, God.

Oh, I have a muscle in my
forehead that will not stop jerking.

Ms. Steuben, listen.

You taught Laura to slow
down and stop taking shortcuts.

And you taught Cassie Lynn Nubbles,
the poster girl for useless people...

what it's like to do
things for herself.

And my God!

Look what you've done to Waldo.

Do you have any idea
how you've changed him?

Well, I guess he
has changed a little.

- A little? Why, thank... Whoa.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Why, thanks to you, Waldo is
swapping recipes with Wolfgang Puck.

You helped him
discover a hidden talent.

And now, thanks to you...

he has something that
he didn't have before:

Self-respect.

Oh. And what about you, Steven?

Have I taught you anything?

Well, let me ask you something.

What grade am I gonna get?

Oh, look around, Steven.

I don't think an
A is in the cards.

I didn't think so.

And that's what you
taught me, Ms. Steuben.

That it's okay to be less than
perfect as long as you tried your best.

Actually, I guess
that applies to me.

Look, Ms. Steuben, you teach us
more than just things out of a textbook.

Why, you teach
us things about life.

Oh, do you really think so?

Look, I know the pay is
lousy, the hours are long...

and you hardly ever get
the credit you deserve.

But you're a teacher, Ms.
Steuben. And a darn good one.

- Oh, Steven! Steven, thank you so...
- Oh, Ms. Steuben.

- No, thank you, Ms...
- Steven...