04x13 - The Way the Ball Bounces

[bunniefuu]

Okay. Ham.

Ham.

- Cheese.
- Cheese.

- Mustard.
- Mustard.

Bite.

Bite.

Hi-dee-ho, neighbors.

Hi, Uncle Steve.

Get out.

Not until I show you
my latest invention.

Why, it's the most revolutionary
device since The Clapper.

The AM/FM Urkelbrush.

- The what?
- The AM/FM Urkelbrush.

It's a combination
radio and toothbrush.

So you can listen to the golden oldies
while you brush your pearly whites.

Wow.

- Yeah.
- Get out.

Well, come on, Carl.
Give her a try. Come on.

You're not gonna leave
until I try that thing, right?

Uh-uh.

Pretty dull just sitting there
brushing your teeth, huh, Carl?

- Mm-hm.
- Well, not with the Urkelbrush.

Now you can brush to a b*at.

Let's try some different
music. I'll hit the scan button.

- This is sort of fun.
- See? I told you.

Did I do that?

Oh, come on, now.

Mom, Dad, I've got big news.

Get lost, I've got bigger news.

Eddie, nobody wants to hear
about your first chest hair, okay?

You're just mad because you
have more chest hairs than me.

- What? What? Don't you even try...
- Yeah, you got...

Hey, hey, hey.

Hey, hey, hey. Hey.

- All right. Laura, you go first.
- Okay.

Your daughter has hit
a benchmark in her life.

I signed up for my PSATs. - Hey.

If I get a high score
on this test, I've got a

good sh*t of getting a
scholarship to Harvard.

Oh, Laura. Honey, that's great.

For the next two weeks,
all I'm gonna do is study.

No TV, no dates, no
friends, no fun whatsoever.

How is that any different
from your normal life?

Peasant.

All right, Edward.

Now what's your
big announcement?

Check this out.

Your son, Edward Winslow, is
being recruited by a major university.

- What?
- Yeah.

Coach Westfield called
me into his office today.

A recruiter came all the way down
here just to meet me. Heh, heh.

Really?

- What school?
- Illinois Occidental University.

- Wow! IOU. Ha, ha, ha.
- Yeah.

Congratulations, Eddie.

- Thanks, Mom.
- Oh, son...

I am very... very proud of you.

Hey, and that's
just the beginning.

Hey, you'll be a starter
your freshman year.

And your junior year, you'll lead
your team to the Sweet Sixteen.

- Oh, and your senior year...
- Uh-huh.

- You'll win the NCAA championship...
- Right, right.

And be declared The Most
Valuable Player in the game.

Oh! Oh! And you'll
get drafted by the Bulls.

Oh.

Yes, at the highest salary
in the history of the game.

- Yeah. Maybe I'll even get endorsements.
- Oh, dozens.

- Air Winslow sneakers.
- Ooh!

Eddie Winslow jelly jars.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Guys, time out.

Eddie, does this school have
a good scholastic reputation?

I don't know. They've
got books and stuff.

Harriette, it's fairly obvious.

If it didn't have scholastics,
they couldn't call it a college.

Hey, son. When you
become rich and famous...

you're gonna have
to have an agent.

- Why?
- When you're making gobs of money...

you're supposed to have a guy
there to take a big chunk of it.

Well, can't you do that, Dad?

I love you, son. Ha, ha.

So, Mr. McCabe, what's the enrollment
at Illinois Occidental University?

That's a very perceptive
question, Carl. I have no idea.

I know we have one of the top
basketball programs in this country. Eddie?

- Yes, sir?
- We want you.

- All right.
- All right.

Basketball isn't the only reason
that students go to your school.

Of course not. IOU offers a
terrific educational program.

If Eddie chooses to
take advantage of it.

What do you mean if he chooses?

Okay. Our professors are very
big fans of the basketball program.

What are they gonna
do, flunk a power forward

because he forgot
to read Silas Marner?

Come on.

This sounds like
a fine college, Dad.

- Have you made up your mind, son?
- I sure have.

- IOU, here I come.
- All right.

All right. Yeah.

McCABE: See you
on the quadrangle.

Laura?

- Laura, honey.
- Hm?

Didn't you hear me knock?

Sorry, I guess I was concentrating
too hard. You should have knocked.

Laura...

you know, you look
a little... Well, you...

You look a little horrible.

I think you're
studying too hard.

You can't study too hard, Dad.

Well, where's Steve? I
thought he was helping you.

He was, but he wimped
out after only 12 hours.

Gee, what a wuss.

Well, when is the last
time you got some rest?

I don't know. What day is this?

Laura, I am really worried about
you. You must be exhausted.

No, I'm like that
little bunny on TV.

I just keep going and
going and going and going...

Stop, stop, stop.

You're going to bed. Come on.

- Come on.
- Dad, I can't.

- I have to go to the library.
- Laura, no way.

- Sleep first.
- Dad, this isn't fair.

I have to study.

Laura, I forbid you to leave this
house until you get some rest.

Dad, you're exacerbating the
problem instead of ameliorating it.

I am not.

But just to be sure, I'm going
downstairs to check the dictionary.

Yoo-hoo-dee-hoo.

- Steve?
- Yep.

I rendezvoused with Mr. Sandman,
and now I'm as fresh as a daisy.

Whoa!

I'm fine. Ready to
go to the library?

Yeah, let's go.

Whoa!

Well, what's the matter?

Well, nothing, sweetums. It's just that
you remind me a little of a movie star.

- Oh? Who?
- Freddy Krueger.

Oh, I look that bad?

Why don't you lie down
and catch a few Z's.

- You sound like my father.
- Oh?

Yeah, he said I can't go to
the library until I get some sleep.

Why, you should have told me.

I nearly violated a
direct Big Guy order.

What my father doesn't
know won't hurt him.

I have to study. Are you
coming with me or not?

Negatory. I will not help
you destroy your health.

Well, I'm going.

And I want you to
keep your mouth shut.

Uh-uh. I'm squealing, baby.

And there's nothing on God's
green earth that's gonna stop me.

- Please, Stevie?
- Okay.

Oh.

Laura?

Just a minute.

Come in.

Laura?

- Did I wake you, sweetheart?
- Mm-hm.

- Well, good.
- Ow!

What's the matter?

I see.

You're still a little punchy.

I must be a little punchy too
because for a second there...

I thought you sounded
like Steve. Ha, ha, ha.

Listen, sweetheart, I know that
you think I'm being unreasonable.

But you need your rest.
And someday you'll thank me.

Uh-huh.

- I love you, sweetheart.
- Uh-huh.

Come on. Give us a kiss.

Come on, give
your old dad a kiss.

Close your eyes.

Oh, come on. You
don't look that bad.

Please.

Okay.

Goodnight, honey. Sweet dreams.

And get some Chapstick.

Look out, Dad. Here I come.

- Guys, can I see you for a sec?
- Oh, Mom, this game isn't over yet.

Oh, no, yes it is. It's
over because I'm over.

I want you to meet somebody.

Sam Massey, this
is my husband, Carl.

- Hi.
- How you doing?

- And my son, Eddie.
- Hey.

- Nice to meet you, Eddie.
- You too.

Sam Massey. Why does
that name ring a bell?

They used to call
me Sam The Slam.

Oh, yes.

I saw you on TV once.

You made a three-point sh*t at
the buzzer to b*at Georgetown.

- Yeah. I got lucky.
- That wasn't luck.

It takes a lot more than luck
to score 38 points in one game.

Oh, 40 points, but
who's counting, huh?

You were one of the best college
players in the game that season.

Come on, sit down.

Yeah, what happened to you?

- Eddie. SAM: Hey,
hey, that's okay.

Actually, that's
the reason I'm here.

Your mother told me about your offer at
IOU and asked me to give you a few tips.

Great.

Hey, Harriette, how do
you know Sam The Slam?

Well, I met him at
the supermarket.

- Sam's my favorite checker.
- Thanks.

- Checker?
- Yep. Just promoted from bagger.

Oh.

Well, I guess I thought that...

somebody with a college education would
be doing something a little different.

I never graduated.

Well, why not?

Well, that three-point sh*t against
Georgetown was the highlight of my career.

Turned out to be the
last game I ever played.

How come?

The following week, I
shattered my right knee.

Well, couldn't the
doctors fix you up?

They tried. I had four operations
over the next two years...

but this baby was
never the same.

- Gee, Sam, that's tough.
- Yeah.

One day I'm a big star.
The next, I'm Mr. Nobody.

My professors had been
giving me a free ride...

but when I got hurt, they
expected me to earn good grades.

And you know what?
I could barely read.

Well, did you flunk out?

Almost as fast as I
used to drive the lane.

I'm back in school now,
but I sure lost a lot of time.

You know, son...

the thought of you getting
injured never entered my mind.

Oh, Dad.

Well, just because Sam got
hurt doesn't mean I will, I mean...

Well, that's true, and I
sincerely hope you don't.

In fact, let's even say you b*at
the odds and make it into the pros.

Are you aware that the average
NBA career is only four years?

Four years? I'd be retired
by the time I was 26.

Yeah, and what are you gonna
do with the rest of your life?

We're not gonna
let you move back in.

Now, look. Look, Eddie.

IOU is a good school...

but all the compliments
they're giving you

will disappear the second
they don't need you.

So you pick a major
and work hard at it.

Think of basketball as
the icing on the cake.

Thanks, Sam.

I'll do that.

You must be hot
stuff on the court.

Well, I have been known to
defy the laws of gravity. Heh.

You care to show me
your moves, spaceman?

Let's kick it.

- Huh? Huh?
- I better study hard. Heh, heh.

Wasn't it nice of Sam to
take time to talk to Eddie?

Oh, come on, Mrs. Winslow.

You know that he wasn't
just talking to Eddie.

He was talking to me too. Right?

Well, maybe a little.

I don't know, I guess I got caught up
in the excitement of my son's future...

that I lost sight of his future.

Laura? Are you okay?

- No.
- What's wrong?

I snuck out of the house
and went to the library.

You disobeyed me? Young lady,
what do you have to say for yourself?

I can't remember the
atomic weight of titanium.

What?

I knew it this morning,
but now it's just...

gone.

Laura, honey, you
need to sit down.

Oh, my God.

- What's the matter?
- I thought I was sitting down.

Sweet... Sweetheart.

Take it easy. Everything
is gonna be okay.

No, it isn't. I'm
gonna flunk the test.

I won't get into Harvard and
I won't get into any school.

You're putting too much
pressure on yourself.

You're having an
emotional breakdown.

Look, Laura, it's terrific to have
goals and work hard to achieve them.

But you need balance in your
life. You need to have fun too.

Yeah, sweetheart.

Once you get some rest...

you'll feel refreshed and then you'll
remember everything you studied.

You'll take that test, no matter what
your score is, we'll be proud of you.

What if I don't get into Harvard?
Won't you guys be disappointed?

No way. You've always done your
best and that's all we can ask for.

Thanks. I love you guys.

We love you too.
- Heh, heh, heh.

I'll make you a sandwich
before you go to bed.

You know, Carl, it's funny.

Laura always studies too hard
and Eddie doesn't study enough.

How can they be so different?

Guess they're as different
as you and me. Heh, heh, heh.

Carl, look at her.

- She's fast asleep.
- Heh, heh, heh.

My little princess.

You know, Carl...

she's not so little anymore.

She's grown up to
be a young woman...

and she's gonna
be very successful.

Yeah.

You know something, honey...

Eddie and Laura
may be different...

but there is one thing that
they do have in common.

- What's that?
- They are both good kids.

That's true.

- And that makes us successful.
- Mm-hm.

Hey.

- What's the matter?
- Wait a minute.

If Laura snuck
out to the library...

who kissed me?

Carl, what are
you talking about?

Well, I was up
in Laura's room...

and there was somebody underneath
the covers that sounded a lot like...

Steve!

Behold, my sleeping beauty.

Why, here's my golden
opportunity to steal a kiss.

Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

Don't even think about it.

What a woman.

- You!
- Uh-oh.