04x15 - Tender Kisses

[bunniefuu]

Weasel, I don't
believe you guys.

What time did we
agree to meet to get

tickets for Tracie
Spencer's concert tonight?

- Eight o'clock.
- And what time did you two show up?

Ten-thirty.

Right. So I guess I shouldn't be
surprised that they were sold out.

Yeah. So lighten up, man.

I have a good excuse. I was
visiting my uncle in the hospital.

- Which one?
- My uncle Cannonball Faldo.

He's the guy that gets sh*t
out of the cannon at the circus.

Someone put in too much gunpowder and blew
him smack-dab into the Flying Fanellis.

- Well, who did that?
- I don't know. Some clown.

Listen, guys, I'm nuts
about Tracie Spencer.

I mean, she's
beautiful, she's talented.

I have all her CDs.

Look, if the fly girl
means that much to you...

we'll just jam down to her hotel room
and ask that sweet thing for some tickets.

Oh, right, Weasel. We'll just
waltz right past her bodyguards.

We won't waltz
in, we'll sneak in.

- Together?
- Tsk. No, separately.

That way we have a better
chance of getting the tickets.

Do you really think we
can get away with it?

No sweat, Chet. Piece of cake.

- Now, the only thing to it is to do it.
- Oh, yeah.

Do it.

Yeah.

- Writing in your diary again, babe?
- Yeah.

That's nice.

Ah.

Oh, boy.

- Sweetheart.
- Mm-hm.

You ever write about me?

Mm-hm.

- Can I read it?
- Nope.

- Why not?
- Because it's private.

Private.

Harriette, could you
hand me a tissue, please?

No, Carl.

Okay, fine. I don't wanna
read your little diary anyway.

- Carl, you're acting like a kid.
- I am not.

I was gonna tell you something
really neat, but I'm not gonna now.

Ah.

Ah. Mm. Mm.

No, no, no. I'm sorry.

Look, I know the party is gonna
be slamming, but Tracie can't go.

Of course she's got a good
reason. She's got homework.

Wow. Come on in.

Boy, look at all this stuff.
Tracie's fans sure love her.

They sure do.

- Uh, is Miss Spencer around?
- Oh, no.

- She's rehearsing for her concert tonight.
- Oh. Tracie doesn't need to rehearse.

- She's absolutely perfect.
- Oh, you're a big fan, huh?

Me? Heh. No offense,
sir, but this is a fancy hotel.

I mean, I see big
stars all the time.

Oh, man, this is from MC Hammer.
Yo! Yo, man, this is from MC Hammer!

The Hammerman. Aah! Yo! Yo! Ah!

Yeah, who is it?
WEASEL Housekeeping.

Oh, I'll get it, sir.

Weasel?

Yeah, so keep your mouth shut.

Maid service.

The maid was already
here two hours ago.

Well, that was just a trainee.
I have to check her work.

I'm the boss maid,
Tawanda Toyota.

Get your hands on me
and you'll never let go.

I'll take your word for it.

Hi.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Oh, and good morning to you too.
- Well, I'm sorry.

- I didn't get much sleep last night.
- Neither did I.

I had to guard
my diary all night.

Well, there would be no
problem if you'd just let me read it.

Forget it, Carl.

I'm going shopping, and I want you
to promise me you won't read my diary.

- Oh, all right, all right.
- Oh, no, no, no. That's not good enough.

I want you to promise.

Okay. I promise
I will not read...

your precious little diary.

Thank you.

But I didn't promise I wouldn't
get somebody else to read it.

Now, let's see...

who will make a good patsy?

Hi-dee-ho, big guy.

Oh, good Lord, my aching back.

And my poor swollen feet.

I'm gonna have to cut these
shoes off with a blowtorch.

Tired, huh?

You mind if I sit down and
rest my beautiful booty?

- Yeah, actually, I do mind.
- Say what?

Tracie is gonna
be back in a minute.

We can't have the maid
sitting here resting her booty.

So, what you saying?

I'm not good enough to hang with the
broad? That what you saying? Huh? Huh?

Oops. Heh.

I think I'll come
back a little later, sir.

Just a second.

Oh, thank God.

- What do you mean?
- I was hoping no woman could be that ugly.

Look, I just want a couple
of extra tickets to the concert.

Careful, you'll
tear my panty hose.

Just get out of here
before I call security.

To think, I left
you extra towels.

Just get out of here.

Do you believe what people
will go through to meet Tracie?

Yeah, it's sad, sir.

Some people just aren't what
they appear to be. Heh, heh.

The next guy I catch sneaking in here is
gonna spend the rest of his life in jail.

Aren't you done yet? Looks
like a rain forest in here.

Hi, Lee, I'm back.

Yo! Yo!

Oh, oh, oh! Ooh, ooh, ooh!

Yo, it's Tracie Spencer! Yo, Lee, you
know who that is? It's Tracie Spencer!

Hey, Tracie, you got a basket from MC
Hammer and flowers from Johnny Gill.

- Well, hi.
- Oh, God.

Tracie Spencer said hi to me.

Heh. He meets big
stars all the time.

Listen, kid, thanks for your help.
Here's a little something for your trouble.

- Uh, gee, thanks, but...
- We'll see you.

Bye. Listen, Lee.

I'm having a little trouble with
the vocals on "Tender Kisses."

Oh, really? Well, let's play the
track and see what the problem is.

I'm so confused

And I think I'm
gonna cry tonight

What must I do, babe?

You don't know what you mean Oh

Tell me something

Tell me, could this really be?

You are so unpredictable

Why must you treat me this way?

I want you to love me
for who I am Who I am

Whatever happened To the
dreams we used to share?

Where did our love go?

Boy, don't you even care?

Tender kisses

- Blown away EDWARD:
Tender kisses, baby

Tender kisses Gone
tomorrow, gone today

Tender kisses EDWARD:
Tender kisses, baby

Bye, baby, bye, baby

Don't leave Leave
me here all alone

I want someone I can call my own

I may be young, but I'm ready

Ready to fall in love

- Hey, you have a great voice.
- So do you.

I mean, but of
course you know that.

I mean, you have albums
out and people pay to see you.

I mean, you're my biggest fan.

Oh, God. I mean
I'm your biggest fan.

Oh. Girl, you are so
fly. Will you marry me?

First of all, let's take
it a little bit slower.

- What's your name?
- Eddie Bellboy.

I mean Winslow. Winslow.
Eddie Winslow. That's my name.

- Hi, Eddie Winslow. And you're a bellboy?
- No, not really.

You see, I gave a real bellboy
20 bucks to borrow this uniform.

He's down the hall
shivering in the linen closet.

- You want me to throw him out?
- Are you kidding? My biggest fan?

Eddie, why did you go through
so much trouble just to meet me?

Well, you see, Tracie, I waited in line
for hours to get tickets to your concert...

- but they were sold out.
- Tickets? I can get you some tickets.

And would you like some
backstage passes too?

Oh. I love you, Tracie.

I think that's a yes.

What's that?

Hmm. I don't know.

It looks like some
kind of cannon.

I saw one of
those in the circus.

Look, somebody's climbing in.

Look out!

- Waldo.
- What's up?

Wow.

Tracie Spencer.

Do you have any aspirin?

Steve, for the last time...

open the diary
and read it to me!

No, sir.

This diary belongs to Harriette.

And I will not
violate her privacy.

And there is absolutely
nothing you can do...

to ever get me to
change my mind.

How about if I convince
Laura to go on a date with you?

January 1st.

"We had a wonderful
New Year's Eve party,

except Carl got sick
and threw up all over..."

Yeah, skip that
part. Skip that part.

"March 10th. Went to the market.

I've been there a hundred
times, but this time was different.

This time I met Raoul."

- Raoul? Who's Raoul?
- Wait, wait.

"Raoul is the new
produce manager.

He introduced himself, and I was

immediately struck by
his deep brown eyes...

his engaging sense of humor...

and how delicately he
handled my cantaloupes."

- Why, of all the low-down...
- Calm down, Carl. Calm down. Easy.

"Raoul asked me out, but I
told him I was happily married."

Attagirl, Harriette.

"March 24th. Raoul's
houseboat is beautiful."

What?

- "I feel so safe in Raoul's strong arms."
- Oh.

"I love him so much,
but I sort of like Carl too."

Oh, no.

Well, hold on. Hold on,
big guy. Listen to this. Aha.

- "It's over with me and Raoul."
- Oh, thank God.

- "Chuck is twice the man Raoul is."
- Chuck?

- Who? What? What?
- Holy mackerel, Carl.

Why, I had no idea that Harriette
was so, shall we say, friendly.

Hi, guys.

Aha!

- How could you, Harriette?
- What's the matter, Carl?

What's the matter? Heh, heh. What's
the matter? This is what's the matter.

Carl, you promised you
wouldn't read my diary.

Well, I didn't read it.

- Steve read it to me.
- Steve, how could you?

Well, I didn't want to
do it, but Carl promised...

that he would try and
get me a date with Laura.

I'm sorry, Harriette. I'm weak.

Carl, those are my
personal, private thoughts.

Oh-ho-ho-ho. And they
are personal and private.

"March 24th. Raoul's
houseboat is beautiful."

- Carl, listen...
- No, you listen.

- "Chuck is twice the man Raoul is."
- Carl.

I'm not finished yet, Harriette.

"April 24th. Carl..."

"I planted this fake diary
because I knew you'd read it."

Oops.

What do you have
to say now, Carl?

You actually believed
the nonsense in here?

- Not all of it.
- Carl Winslow...

you are the most
insecure man I've ever met.

I am not.

Am I really?

If you weren't insecure,
you wouldn't believe

for a second that I
would have an affair.

Carl, this is my real diary.
Read what I wrote last night.

"February 4th. I am
such a lucky woman.

I have a lovely home and
three wonderful children.

But best of all, I get to share it with
a caring and understanding husband.

A man I love more
and more every day."

Thanks, Harriette.

I love you more and more
every day too, sweetheart.

- Feel better now, Carl?
- Much better.

And I watched her entire
concert from the first row.

Uh-huh.

Then after the concert,
I got to go backstage.

I met her entire band, and we
hung out in her dressing room.

Right, and last night, I
had dinner with Big Bird.

Yeah, and Laura
has the hots for me.

This is whack. I hook up
with the high priestess of pop...

and nobody wants to believe me.

Oh, I'll get that.

It's probably Whitney Houston.

- Hi, is Eddie home?
- Oh, my God.

But...

Do you know who you are?

Tracie Spencer.

Heh, heh. All right. Heh, heh.

It's great to see you, Tracie.

Uh, this is my dad, my sister Laura,
my cousin Richie and our neighbor Steve.

Hi. ALL: Hi.

Listen, Eddie, I'm on
my way to the airport,

and I have six more
stops on my tour...

and I just wanted to
give you my itinerary.

Great.

Maybe you can even
write me once in a while?

Every day.

- Can I call you too?
- That'd be great.

So, um, would you like to
ride to the airport with me?

My limo will bring you back.

- Yeah. Heh.
- Hey, let's go.

- Okay.
- It was nice meeting all of you.

Bye.

Well, I guess I'll go with
my friend Tracie Spencer...

in her stretch limo.

See you. Ha, ha.