04x22 - Hot Stuff

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Family Matters". Aired: September 22, 1989 - May 9, 1997.*
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A spin-off of Perfect Strangers, the series revolves around the Winslow family, a middle-class African-American family and their nerdy neighbor Steve Urkel.
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04x22 - Hot Stuff

Post by bunniefuu »

Oh, Laura.

Aha.

I busted you, you little minx.

What do you want, Steve?

Well... I have bad
news, my love.

Well, what is it?

Well, you may wanna
sit down for this.

My news is deeply upsetting,
so you must be strong.

I'll try.

Well, you remember Myra?

- Ted's cousin?
- Yes, indeedy.

Well, she...

She wants my bod.

I think it's great news that
a girl is interested in you.

In fact, it renews
my faith in miracles.

But, Laura, you
don't understand.

Myra's all over me like
a bum on a sandwich.

You're kidding.

Oh. Would that I were.

She calls me constantly, she writes me
love letters, she even sends me presents.

She's even transferred
into my English class.

- Well, what's wrong with that?
- She doesn't go to our school.

Steve, I think it's sweet
that Myra likes you.

Sweet?

Laura, you have no
idea what it feels like...

to be constantly pestered by someone
you have absolutely no interest in.

Okay, so maybe you do.

Well, Steve, why are you
bothering me with this?

Well, because I've come up with
a plan to get Myra off my back.

It'll only work if you give
me five minutes of your time.

- What do I have to do?
- Marry me.

I'll take that as a no.

Steve, I have important stuff to
do. I have to put away the Tater Tots.

All right, I'll go.

But there's still one more
thing I haven't told you.

Well, what is it?

Well, Myra is physically...

attractive.

So far I've been
able to resist...

but I'm like a volcano inside.

Oh, lock up your
daughters, Chicago.

Mount Urkel is about to erupt.

- Turn it down!
- What?

Your music is too loud!

I can't hear you,
the music's too loud.

What was your dad
mumbling about?

- Your stereo.
- What?

What's up, Weasel.

Eduardo. How do you like
my man's new sound system?

- Yo, it's slamming.
- Check it out.

Two 6-by-9 speakers in the door.

Word. Word.

Four 15s in the back.

Tape, CD player and
digital pre-amp. Boom.

Man, it's like having Whitney
Houston riding shotgun.

Yo, man, I wish I could afford
something like that. My stereo bites.

No prob, Bob. Weasel took care
of me, he can hook you up too.

Oh, well, you know.

I know a guy who can
get stuff real cheap.

How much are you
prepared to invest?

Well, 400, tops. That's my entire savings
from working down at Mighty Weenie.

That's eight months of telling people,
"Please talk directly into the bun."

Look, two days from now, I'm gonna
get you a serious stereo. You know?

Guaranteed, the fly
girls will be all over you.

All right.

- Oh, Myra.
- Hello, Laura.

I was wondering if I
could have a moment.

Oh, sure. Come on in.

- Can I take your coat?
- Oh, no, thank you. This won't take long.

Oh. So, what's on your mind?

Steve Urkel.

The man I love.

The man you love?

That's right.

He's bright, he's witty
and he's so handsome.

Are we talking about
the same Steve?

Skinny guy, likes
cheese, strange laugh?

He is the smartest
boy I've ever met.

And I think high intelligence
is very, very sexy.

You think Steve is sexy?

He stokes my furnace.

Wow, you've really got it bad.

Laura, I've explained to Steven that
I'm more than willing to be his love toy.

But all he ever does is
babble on and on about you.

- Myra...
- Release him.

Undo that voodoo
that you do so well.

Myra, I have no
designs on Steve.

In fact, I'm willing to do
anything to help you get him.

- Really?
- Really.

Could you move to Texas?

- Eddo, this car is mighty spiffy.
- Aw. Thanks, Steve.

And not only does she have eye
appeal, she also has ear appeal.

Come again?

Wow, is that a new stereo?

Stereo? This is no mere stereo,
Steve. This is a Master Blaster.

Let me hear my
favorite radio station.

WYDL, all
yodeling, all the time.

Man. Now, that dude can wail.

Look, Steve.

A Roland speaker, a
pop-phase cassette receiver...

a CD changer...

a crate with four 10s and
two 100-watt power amps.

Wow. You'll be deaf by summer.

Where'd you get
this great stuff?

Weasel's friend got it.
Gave me a great deal.

- Oh?
- Yeah.

This is almost $3000
worth of equipment.

But I only paid 400 for
it. Including installation.

Hmm.

What?

Well, that's an
exceptionally large discount.

Well, I mean, I figure
the guy gets everything

wholesale, or he buys
in bulk, I don't know.

Or perhaps it was
left by the Stereo Fairy.

What are you trying to say?

Aha.

- Figures.
- What?

Obviously, Weasel's friend didn't wanna
burden you with excessive paperwork...

because all the serial
numbers have been scraped off.

- What?
- Eddo, this stereo is hot.

Hey, it's my main Dad dude.

Uh-oh. Report-card time again?

Nope. Just being cool.

- Oh.
- Just being me.

- Mm-hm.
- Heh-heh.

- Uh... Heh-heh.
- Mm-hm.

Uh... I could use a little
advice on a hypothetical...

fictitious thing that
never happened. Heh.

Oh, I see. Go right ahead.

Oh, okay. Okay.

All right. Uh...

Uh... Let's say a guy bought
something expensive for a real low price...

and suddenly, without warning,
he finds out that the stereo is stolen.

- Oh, it's a stereo?
- Uh...

- Yeah. Uh-huh.
- Yeah.

Anyhow, what should this completely
innocent and fictitious guy do?

Edward, did you buy a
stolen stereo for your car?

Yeah.

Oh, son.

- Well, Dad, I didn't know. I swear it.
- All right, I believe you. Take it easy.

Well, what should I do now?

First we have to
notify the police.

Well, I just did. I told you.

You're my father and a cop.

Right. And what do we do next?

Learn our lesson
and forget about it?

Guess again.

You're gonna tell me who you bought
it from and I'm gonna find its owner.

Oh, no, that's no good.

Excuse me?

Not only would I be getting
somebody in trouble...

but I'd also be out 400 bucks.

That person deserves to be in trouble and
you should have been careful with money.

- But, Dad...
- No buts, Edward.

Now, that stereo is coming out of
your car and down to the police station.

Oh, come on. It took me
months to earn that money.

Besides, I didn't steal the equipment. If I
didn't buy it, somebody else would have.

Oh, now, that's enough.

And the bottom line
is, that stereo does not

belong to you. It never
did, and it never will.

You know, I came to you because
I wanted to be up front about this.

Oh, really, Mr. Hypothetical Fictitious
Thing That Never Really Happened?

Come on, Dad, stop it.

I was hoping you'd
realize that I was ripped off.

Maybe have a little sympathy for
your own son and cut me a little slack.

But, no, you have to go by the
book, no matter how unfair it is to me.

I wish for just once that you'd stop
being a cop and start being my dad.

Oh, hello, Dr. Urkel.
Is Steve there?

Your son.

Oh, hi, Steve. It's Laura.

No, you're not dreaming.

Listen, could you grab your
accordion and come over here?

- I'm kind of in the mood for a little...
- I came as soon as...

Uh... Hello, Myra.

Uh... Laura...

would you care to explain
what's going on here?

Myra likes you, and
since you like me, I knew I

could get you over here
to spend time with her.

Why, of all the sneaky,
underhanded tricks to pull.

You're good, baby.

Steve, just spend a
few minutes with Myra.

Give her a chance. You may
have something in common.

But, but, but...
Laura. But, but, but...

Uh... So.

Nice accordion.

Oh, thanks.

Grashe and Lumbacker
Silver Anniversary Model 2200?

Why, yes.

You sure do know your
squeezeboxes, lady.

I should.

I play a little
accordion myself.

Wow. The Myron
Floren Polka Master.

Signed and numbered.

- Hi, Steve.
- Hi, sweetums.

What's the matter? Why
aren't you looking at me?

I'm not worthy of eye contact.

Why not?

Well, last night, right
here, with Myra...

Yes?

Laura, I kissed her.

I know. I peeked.

But what you don't
know is... I liked it.

Well, Steve, you're
a man. Kind of.

And you're supposed to
enjoy kissing a pretty girl.

But, Laura, it feels so wrong
to be kissing another girl.

I wanna be true to my heart.

And my heart belongs to you.

- So are you gonna break it off with Myra?
- Hey, I'm no fool.

We're going to
the movies tonight.

Coming, babe.

Yep, tonight I'll be cuddling up
with Myra at the Paradise Theater.

And while you're sitting here all
alone, reading your hairdo mags...

just remember, baby,
it could have been you.

- You want it to be you?
- Nope.

Just checking. Coming, babe.

Eddie, do you think I can
get lucky with Krissy Oliver?

Weasel, I'm dating her.

Exactly. That's
why I'm asking you.

You know, you're already on thin
ice for selling me that hot stereo.

I told you, I didn't know
the stuff was stolen.

Mm-hm.

- Man, I'm shocked and appalled.
- Hmm.

I mean, it's getting so you can't
even trust a "Pssst, over here" guy.

Shut up and get in the car.

What car?

Oh, my God.

Where's my...?

Where's my car?

- Weasel, Weasel, where's my car?
- Do I look like I have it?

Oh, man. I don't believe this.

I've been robbed.

- Hey, Dad.
- What's the matter?

My car's been stolen.

Quick, call for backup. Put
out an APB. Get a helicopter.

- Are you sure?
- Of course I'm sure.

We parked it here
10 minutes ago.

Gee, it happened just that fast?

- Man, this is terrible.
- Pfft. I'll say.

I left my new hat in that car.

ABC you.

Dad, quick, call the cops.

Relax, son. Your
car is not stolen.

It's down at the precinct.

The guys are taking
out that hot stereo.

That's a relief. I mean,
I'd be lost without my ride.

- Scared you?
- Worse.

I mean, I felt scared, angry
and helpless all at the same time.

Really?

You know, I bet that's exactly
how the owner of that stereo felt...

when it got ripped off from him.

You got me, Dad.

You don't have to
hit me over the head.

Good. Because that's
what I was gonna try next.

You know, son, it's a funny
thing about hot property.

You never think about the
victim until you become one.

Got you.

Edward, I know that you
think I'm too hard on you.

Sometimes.

It would be easy for
me to be easy on you.

But believe me, I would
not be doing you a favor.

I guess.

You know something, I gotta
give you credit for one thing.

You came to me and
you told me what you did.

Now, I know that was tough.

Oh, 400 bucks, Dad.

Gone.

But I guess I did
learn a lesson.

I mean, maybe that was
worth more in the long run.

Oh, my gosh, this is amazing.

What?

You are growing up.

Hi, girls.

Oh, hi. Look who's
here, the blushing bride.

- So how's married life treating you?
- Honey, I have no idea.

- Why not?
- Well, we haven't finished the honeymoon.

I don't think I should
be hearing this.

Harriette, are you ready
to plant the tulip bulbs?

Sure, as soon as we finish here.

Go ahead. I'll finish
putting away the groceries.

Thanks, honey.

Thank you for coming over.
I really appreciate your help.

Oh, that's exactly why we
got the apartment so close.

So that I could see my family.

You know, I haven't
been over lately...

because Fletcher and I have
been cuddling up so much.

Where is Fletcher?

He needed a nap.
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