04x01 - The Longest Good-bye

[bunniefuu]

- Hi, Emily.
- Oh, hi, Howard.

[Sighs]

Do you think I should be
buried or cremated?

- When?
- When it happens.

I mean, death is something
we all have to live with.

Howard, are you trying
to tell me something?

I was making out my will,
and I thought I'd jot down a few things...

while I'm still of sound mind.

Not a moment too soon, Howard.
What are you leaving me and Bob?

I'm going to leave you the key to my apartment
so you can take back the stuff that's yours.

That is very generous.
However, we would need a moving van.

- That's okay. I'll help you.
- You'll be dead.

Oh, yeah.

Well, I'll just carry the light stuff.

- Hi, honey. Hi, Howard.
- [Emily] H ; Bob.

Hi, Bob. Do you think
I should be buried or cremated?

Howard, I've always felt
you should be bronzed.

No, seriously, Bob. I mean, wouldn't you
like to have your ashes spread all over?

Maybe after dinner, Howard.
Howard, what are you talking about?

Howard is making out his will,
and he's not leaving us anything.

- Let's hope we die first.
- Yeah.

That would make it easier
on everybody.

Well, I'll see you guys.

Have a nice life, Howard-
what's left of it.

[Mouthing Words]

- Any mail for me?
-just a couple of bills.

- Oh, and you had a kind of funny phone call.
- What'd Mr. Carlin want?

It wasn't Mr. Carlin.
It was somebody called “the Peeper.”

He said
he was an old friend of yours.

- The Peeper.
- Yeah. And he referred to you as “the Mooner.“

The Peeper.
That's- That's Cliff Murdock.

He was my roommate in college.
I told you about him.

Is he the one that used to look
at the girls' dorm through his binoculars?

Yeah. That's why
we called him the Peeper.

Anyway,
he'll be in Chicago tomorrow.

- Tomorrow?
- Mm-hmm.

No kidding.

I haven't seen him for-
for O years.

Wait till you meet the Peeper.
You will love him.

I'm looking forward to it, Bob.

We'll just keep the drapes closed.

The old Peeper.
What a colorful guy.

Bob, why did they
call you the Mooner?

That's- That's kinda
hard to remember.

Uh-

- The Mooner?
- Yeah. See, the reason I ask is...

there was this guy in college
that we called the Mooner.

- Oh, yeah?
- What he used to do was...

he used to sit in his car and wait
for another car to come alongside.

- Then he'd roll down the window, and he'd-
- Moon Mullins.

Moon Mullins.
That's whyl was called, uh, the Mooner.

- I always loved Moon Mullins- the comic strip.
- Oh, Uh-huh.

Yeah, that's right, Emily.
That's why I was called the Mooner.

- The Moon Mullins comic strip.
- Oh.

I believe you, Bob.

- [ Laughing]
- What's so funny?

I'm just thinkin' about
this old convertible I used to have.

[Typing]

- [Clears Throat]
- May I helpyou?

The Peeper is here
to see the Mooner.

L beg your pardon?

The Peeper is here
to see the Mooner.

And the blue fish
swims in muddy water.

Is, uh, Bob Hartleyin?

- I'll tell him you're here.
- Thank you.

[Stammering]
Hold- One second!

Bob, there's a guy out here
in a lot of trouble.

Where is he?

- Peeper!
- Mooner!

- You son of a g*n!
- [ Both Laughing]

- You haven't changed at all.
- And you look great, you old clown.

Son of a g*n.
This is too much.

- You know who this is?
- Of course. It's the Peeper.

This is CliffMurdock. He-
He was my roommate in school.

Hi. You must have thought
I was crazy.

I'm not authorized
to make thosejudgments.

- Well, I am, and he is.
- [All Laughing]

You know what this guy
did to me once?

He filled my closet at school
with vegetable soup. [ Laughing]

- Those were the days, huh, Bob?
- Do you know how Bob retaliated?

This should be hilarious.

- He put one of my socks in the toilet.
- [ Both Laughing]

Good, Bob.

You know what this guy
did to me one time?

Bob, I'd love to hear it, but,
uh,jerry needs me, you know?

Jerry, I'll be right there.

- You want- You want some coffee?
- No. No, thanks.

- You got any vegetable soup?
- [ Both Laughing]

- You haven't changed.
- Yes, I have, Bob.

I'm a lot more serious now.

So, what brings you to Chicago
after all these years?

- A bus.
- [ Laughing]

- See? You haven't changed.
- No, no. I'm not kidding.

I came here on a bus
all the way from Vermont.

- Vermont?
- Yeah. That's where I've been working since .

Working with kids. I'm with
the Montpelier Recreation Department.

Well, that's perfect for you.
You were always a kid at heart.

Yeah, I love kids.
The way I figure it, Bob...

the kids of today
are the adults of tomorrow.

You're- You're probably right.

I knowl am.
That's why I'm here.

- I invented this.
- What- What is it?

It's a combination ballpoint pen,
flashlight, key ring, bottle-opener-

everything a kid likes.

I got a letter
from the Chicago Cereal Company...

saying that they might want
to put that in their cereal boxes.

Oh, be kinda tough to chew.
[Laughing]

- No, Bob. It's a toy.
- Oh.

Can you imagine a kid pulling one of those
out of a box of Chicago Loops?

Well, you- You give me a couple seconds.
[Laughing]

No, that's- That's great.

Hey, Bob. Carol told me
the Peeper's here.

Yeah. Here he is.
Cliff, this isjerry Robinson.

- Got any vegetable soup on you? Ha!
- [All Laughing]

The Mooner told you
about that, huh?

Yeah, he told me all about it.
The- The Mooner?

- Yeah.
- Never told me about that.

Don't tell me you were one of those guys
that pulled down their-

[Stammering]
Why don't we go have some lunch?

- Suva
- Mamet 'huh?

What, uh- Whatever happened
to that chubby girl-

used to work in the bookstore-
that you dated?

- Marie Fleischer?
- Marie, yeah. Oh, what a dog. [ Laughing]

Was she housebroken?
[ Laughing]

- Whatever happened to her?
- I've been married to her for O years.

Yeah, I always liked Marie.

Wow, this is good.

I don't remember when I had a meal
as delicious as this one.

- Yes, I do. Last Thursday.
- [ Laughing]

No. Seriously, Emily.
It's really delicious.

It's just baked ham, Cliff.

I don't know why it tastes
so doggone good.

Maybe it's all that maple syrup
you poured on it.

I love my syrup.

That's why I always
carry plenty with me.

In Vermont,
we put syrup on everything.

Well, out here,
we only put it on pancakes.

Pancakes, huh?
I'll have to try that.

[Laughing]

You almost ready for dessert?
I made an angel food cake.

No. No, thanks.
No cake for me.

It's a little too sweet.

In that case, I'll just clear the dishes
and go make some coffee.

No. Emily, you let Bob and me
clear the table.

We were busboys
at the fraternity.

Oh, yeah.

- [Clears Throat] Are you ready?
- Let's go.

- One, two-
- Heave! - No!

[Laughing]

[Laughing]

That's what the housemother
used to say. “No!“

Oh. Oh, we gave her some
awful bad times, you know that?

- Well, what Bob did was the worst.
- What?

That poor old lady would be sitting on
the front porch in the middle of the afternoon.

Bob would come cruising down the street
in his convertible with the top down.

Then he'd stand up on the seat
and pull-

Cliff! Why don't-
Why don't you get unpacked?

Oh, yeah.

Hey, I'd better hang up my suit
for the interview tomorrow.

You got a-
You got a suit rolled up in there?

Yeah. I thought a sport coat
would be a little too casual.

So. That's Cliff, huh?

Yeah. Yeah, that's the old Peeper.

- What- What do you think of him?
- I like him.

I think he's one of the most...

colorful guys
I've ever met in my life.

You know, one time,
he put a cow in a guy's bed.

Why?

- To- To see his reaction.
- What was his reaction?

He- He was surprised.

Oh.

You don't think
he's very colorful, do you?

I guess he is in a way.

I mean, who else would
roll up his suit in a satchel...

or drown a perfectly innocent ham
in maple syrup?

Yeah. Only Cliff.
He's one of a kind.

- You know, Bob-
- [Cl/filmy Bob.

Could I borrow some shoes
for tomorrow?

My good ones are all sticky.

One of my syrup cans leaked.

Yeah, sure.

- Maybe some socks.
- Whatever you need.

- Well, I need shoes and socks.
- Okay.

And a suit.

Sure.

Now, Emily, the guy needs a suit.

- You have to admit that's colorful.
- Honey.

I'm glad Cliff was your friend,
and I know you had a lot of laughs.

But, you know, people grow up.

You grew up, and all the friends
you have now grew up.

Hi, Bob.

Do you think this is too loud
to be cremated in?

[Laughing] Hey, Carol.
Guess who I ran into in the coffee shop.

The one and only Peeper.
[Laughing]

Hi, Carol. ls Bob in?

Sure, Peep.
Gee, that suit looks familiar.

Yeah. It's Bob's.

You probably didn't recognize it
because Bob buttons it differently.

Oh. Yeah.
I couldn't wear my own suit...

because the legs
were stuck together.

- Hey, hey, hey.
- Hiya', Moon.

How'd it go?
Did you sell the invention?

No. The guy I was supposed to see
had to get a haircut.

[Laughing]

- No kidding. How'd it go?
- I'm serious. I didn't see him.

Well, you- You are
gonna see him sometime?

Yeah, oh, sure. Sure.
lt'sjust rotten timing...

getting here the week
he has his haircut.

If you could put up with me for a couple
more nights, it would really help.

Oh, sure.
That's no problem.

Oh, good. Yeah, this way, we'll have
a little more time to reminisce.

- [ Both Chuckling]
- That's what we need.

Although I think maybe
we've done enough reminiscing...

about, you know,
the mooning thing.

Hey, you remember that show we did
for the fraternity- The Gadabouts?

- Yeah.
- Remember the “Sonny Boy“ number?

- I'm not sure.
- I am. That was one of the high points of my life.

Come on. Come here.
Sit on my knee.

No, Cliff. I'd feel-
I'd feel silly.

Come on. Let's try one
for the old Gipper.

Come on.

- Okay. For the Gipper.
- [ Laughs]

[Clearing Throat]

- Are you ready?
- Yeah.

♪♪ [ Singing Sentimental]

Uh, do- Do you-
[Quoting Lyrics]

♪♪ [ Singing

[Quoting Lyrics]

♪♪ [ Singing

{Quoting Lyrics]
- JJ[Singing]

Hey- YOU guys wanna-

I'm sorry.

I was just, uh...

sitting on Cliff's knee.

Hey, it's a free country.

We're right in the middle ofour-
our old “Sonny Boy“ routine.

- “Sonny Boy“? You mean- [ Quoting Lyrics]
- Yeah.

You know, Frank Musso and I
used to sing that at the orphanage.

We sang it once on Visitors' Day,
and, the next day, Frank was adopted.

I never found another partner.

Well, in that case-

- Jfl Resumes Sentimental]
- Really?

♪♪ [ Continues]

Hey- great!

♪♪ [ Continues]

[Jerry, Bob, Quoting Lyrics]

♪♪ [ Continues]

[Quoting Lyrics]

♪♪ [ Continues]

' [Quoting Lyrics]
' JM Ends]

- Oh, boy!
- And then-

Then I used to do my old
soft-shoe routine.

And it was great.
Go ahead, Bob.

♪♪ [ Vocalizing Introduction]

JM Humming]

Carol
Excuse me.

The University ofChicagojust called
and wondered if you'd be available...

to speak
at their honors seminar.

- Yeah, sure.
- Wear taps.

Well, there are a couple things
I oughta look over.

Look over?
♪♪ [ Singing Traditional: Upbeat]

♪♪ [ Singing

- [Together] Two, three, four.
- ♪♪ [ Continues]

♪♪ [ Continues]

♪♪ [ Singing

JMAII Singing]

♪♪ [ Cliff vocalizing]

- JJ[All Continue]
- ♪♪ [ Cliff vocalizing, Singing]

JM Ends]

Emily, have you seen my belt?

Ask Cliff. He borrowed it.

That's right. His broke.

- Well, I'll see you later.
- You're leaving already?

I have to take the bus.
Cliff is borrowing the car today. Remember?

That's right.
Today's the big day.

He gets to meet the guy
at the cereal company.

Bob.
[Quiet Chuckle]

You know, I have heard that
every day for a week.

Emily, this is for real.
The barbershops are all closed today.

I'll have him pickyou up
after school.

Well, I'd rather
he picked up some groceries.

Of course,
he'd need money for that.

I take that back. He doesn't need money
as long as he has your credit card.

Emily, lighten up.

The guy's a friend of mine.
How long can he stay?

How long can he live?

All right, all right.
lfhis interview falls through today...

I'll, uh-
I'll talk to him.

Thank you, Bob. Thank you.

I won't say another word about it.
Cliff can keep the car.

I'll take the bus home after work.
Then I'll stop and get groceries.

- Oh. You still want meat loaf?
- Yeah.

Good. I'll get the syrup.

Cliff, better get a move on.
Traffids pretty heavy this time of morning.

Be with you in a minute.
You got any deodorant?

- Yeah. It's in the cabinet.
- You're out of toothpaste.

- We'll get some.
- Get fluoride.

Bob, do you know anything about
jeffers Crematorium over on LaSalle Street?

Howard, I didn't even know
it was on LaSalle Street.

Oh, it's the new one.
The old one on Kedzie burnt down.

Oh.

Uh, can I borrow your vase?

Howard, aren't you kind of
rushing things a little?

Oh, no, no. It's not for me.

- It's for flowers.
- Oh. Yeah, sure. Take it.

Uh, Howard, could, uh-

- Could I askyou, you know, a
hypothetical question? - Sure.

Well, uh, supposing
you had this friend, you know?

He's a real good friend, but he turned into,
like, a leech, you know?

And your wife thought
he was a nuisance.

And because
you like the guy so much...

you didn't want to say anything
and hurt his feelings.

No. How-Howard, I'm not talking
about you. I'm talking about Cliff.

Oh,yeah. Cliff- He'll take anything
that isn't nailed down.

- You want some coffee?
- No, thanks. Coffee keeps me awake.

- Hi, Peep.
- Hi, Carol. Hey, Moon.

- [ Laughing]
- How'd- How'd the interview go?

No. No sale.

And I think I lost your credit card.

Cliff, why don't you
go in my office?

We can have a little talk.

Carol, I don't want any calls.
I don't want any interruptions.

Fine, and I don't want
any singing.

Cliff, we can be-

We can be honest
with each other, can't we?

- We sure can.
- I mean, after all, we've been-

We've been friends for years.

Is that what you wanted
to talk to me about?

No. Uh, maybe thisjust,
you know, isn't gonna work out.

Yeah, I know. That's why I'm leaving today-
on the next bus.

Well, I'm- I'm sorry
you didn't sell your invention.

Oh, I could've sold it.

The guy offered me
$ , for it.

$ , ?

Yeah, but he wanted me to eliminate
the bottle-opener part.

I said, “No. I'm not gonna
change something I believe in.“

$ , ?

I mean, you take away
the bottle-opener...

it's like meat loaf
without syrup on it.

$ , ?

That's right, but I know kids...

and kids wouldn't like it
without the bottle-opener.

Some- Some of them might.

Well, I wouldn't,
and that's why I'm leaving.

Here. This is yours.
You might as well take the pants too.

No! No,just, uh-
just send them to me.

You know, $ , is, uh-
it's an awful lot of money.

Forget it, Bob.
ltjust wouldn't be worth it to me.

I mean, it's-
it's more than $ , .

No, I'd be cheating those kids, Bob.

I know kids. I guess-

I guess I'm still
just a kid at heart.

No. No, you're not.
Not anymore anyway. it-

It took a man to make
that kind of decision.

Astupid man.

Em a ma“.

Oh. Bob, I want you and Emily
to have this.

It's genuine maple candy
from Vermont.

I know I've been
an imposition, and-

Well, it's my way
of saying thanks.

Oh, you're welcome, Peep.

So long, Moon.

- Say, did I give you candy or snakes?
- Snakes.

I'm sorry.

Try this.

Snakes again?

I mean, look at thisjunk-

a plastic car
with a rubber-band motor.

Kids don't want this.

- What's this?
- Milk.

- Where's the syrup?
- I hope Cliff took it with him.

You know, I can't believe that
you didn't find him colorful.

Okay. Okay, he was colorful.

- You bet he was.
- He was a rainbow.

Oh. Oh, he, uh-

He left something for you.

Oh. Really? What is it?

It's, um,
a surprise from Vermont.

- Oh.
- Open it.

Isn't that sweet?
Maple candy.

lt- It clidn'tjump.

Well, maybe it's notjumping candy.

Guess what, Bob.

You've decided to wear a tuxedo
for your cremation.

No. I decided
not to be cremated.

Now, we were really
looking forward to that.

I decided to be frozen.

Makes a lot more sense.

Yeah.

Can I borrow your parka?

[ Mews]