04x18 - Warden Gordon Borden

[bunniefuu]

- Hi, honey.
- Hi, dear.

- What's for dinner?
- Well, I thought I'd order the fillet of sole.

- Oh, that's right. We're going out to dinner.
- Yeah. Hi, sweetheart.

- Any messages on the answering service?
- Yeah, they're by the phone.

Oh, great. My brother
Gordon's coming to town.

I don't have a brother Gordon.

- That's for Howard.
- Oh.

Am I flying a load of prunes
to Topeka tomorrow?

That's for Howard, too.

Great. 'Cause I lost
my pilot's license.

- Hi, Bob. Hi, Emily.
- Hi.

Any messages for me?

- All the messages are for you, Howard.
- Oh, great.

Howard, how come I get your messages
on my answering service?

Because I don't have
an answering service.

Well, what if f didn't
have an answering service?

Then I wouldn't get any messages.

Oh, my gosh! Guess what?

My brother's coming
to town tomorrow!

- Yeah, your brother Gordon.
- The game warden.

Yeah, Warden Gordon Borden.

Uh, the last I heard from him, he was running
a bird sanctuary in the woods of Oregon.

- He still is.
- How do you know?

I took the message.
He's coming to Chicago...

to go to the zoo to see
two whooping cranes mate.

Your brother sounds like
a bit of a voyeur, Howard.

Yeah, he loves to travel.

That's an awfully far distance to come
to see two whooping cranes.

- He's coming at a lousy time.
- Well, uh, whooping cranes can't wait, Howard.

When they feel like whooping,
it's Katy, bar the door.

No, I mean, uh-

- I mean, I won't be here.
- Oh, that's right.

You have to fly that load
of prunes to Topeka, don't you?

Uh, yeah.

What's my brother gonna do
when I'm out of town?

Well, I suppose we could
invite him to dinner.

We, uh, might not be here.

Well, I can't let him
eat by himself.

- He doesn't know where anything is.
- Don't worry, Howard.

- We'll be here.
- Aw, thanks.

I want things to be great for him.
I always looked up to him,you know?

Even though he is
two inches shorter than I am.

- Two years older.
- Maybe when you're older, he'll be taller.

You know, I always idolized him.

Sort of the same way
you feel about me.

- Yeah, hero worship.
- Right.

You know, I always
idolized my sister.

I used to wear her clothes,
just so I'd look like her.

I remember I always wore her earrings.

Gordon never wore earrings.

Made me wear 'em once.

He was always mean to me.
One time, I had a paper route, and he-

He took it from me. In college,
I tried tojoin his fraternity...

and he blackballed me.

Probably because you
were wearing earrings.

Sounds like a pretty
strong sibling rivalry.

Well, not in this case, Bob.
He's my brother.

What's the matter with you?

[Sighs]
What's the worst thing in the world?

I know.
You're gonna criticize my coffee.

Okay. What's the second worst
thing in the world?

- I give up.
- Goin' to the dentist!

I just came from there.
He told me my nerves were sh*t.

- Well, you should have gone to see Bob.
- No, no.

The nerves of my two front teeth.
They gotta be pulled.

- How'd it happen?
- I got hit in the mouth with a rook.

- A rock.
- A rook.

Piayin' chess with this girl, she got
mad at me and rifled a rook at me.

- Imagine an orthodontist with no teeth?
- [ Chuckles ] Yeah.

Like a bald barber.
[Laughs]

Or a one-legged tap dancer?
[ Laughs]

I don't know why some people find
those things amusing. I know I never have.

Hope you never have to go through life
wearing an upper plate.

Come on,jer. It's not
the end of the world.

- Lots of people wear false teeth.
- How many of them are Orthodontists?

It's not like all of
your teeth will be gone.

- Thirty out of 's not bad.
- What's that supposed to mean?

It means, you'll still have O teeth
out of your original .

- What original ?
- That's how many teeth people have!

They have more than that!
Don't they?

No. You can call
another dentist and check.

Yeah, well, that's
exactly what I'm gonna do.

[ Scoffs ]
Thirty-two teeth!

- Carol, would you file for me?
- Sure, Bob. Would you hold this?

Thank you.

[Blowing]

Carol, have you ever thought about
putting the files somewhere else...

like... in a file drawer?

Oh! Come on, Bob. This is my system.

See, here is this year's,
and this is last year's...

and, uh, this is years gone by.

- Good filing system.
- Thank you.

A lot of secretaries still use the, uh-
[Chuckles]

The old-fashioned method,
you know, of...

filing alphabetically.
[Chuckling]

[Chuckling ] Well, we do things
different around here, Bob.

Takejerry, for instance. He thinks
people have more than teeth.

They do.

- Don't they?
- Finished with my nail polish, Bob?

[Elevator Bell Dings]

- Hey, Bob, you'll never guess who this is!
- Gordon Borden.

Right, that's right. Oh, uh, this is Bob
Hartley, and this is his receptionist, Carol.

Oh, I'm very pleased
to meet both of you. [Chuckles]

Nice to meet you,
and welcome to Chicago.

I imagine it's, uh, quite a bit different
than Oregon.

Oh, oh, yeah. Well, in the first place, it's-
it's a lot further east.

And also, it's a lot closer
to the Chicago zoo.

That's where we're going,
to see the whooping cranes.

Yeah. Bob, it's, uh- It's time!
[Chuckles]

Cranes are in heat, huh?

Bob, please, there's a-
There's a lady present.

- It's okay, Gordon. I'm over .
- / ?

Really? You don't look it.

- Bless you.
- You're welcome.

- Boy, I wish Ellen were in town. You'd love Ellen.
- Who's Ellen?

- My sister.
- My girl.

Oh, Howie! You never told me
you had a girlfriend.

- Is Ellen anything like, uh-
- No, she, uh- She's more like, uh-

- Oh-oh-oh, she's sort of a little bit outside of-
- Except she has more of a-

- You know.
- Oh, you mean she's a little more this way.

- Not quite.
- Oh, yeah. She sounds more like she's, uh-

- Yeah, that's right. Isn't she, Bob?
- Yeah.

- Yeah, a little more, I would say-
- Right! I've got to get going.

Lots to do.
Then I'm on my way to Topeka.

Uh, Howard- Howie, could I, uh-
Uh, could I borrow your wallet?

Well, the last time
you borrowed my wallet...

you took the money out,
then you gave me my wallet back.

Oh, I know! I know that, Howie.
But you see, this time...

- I'm not gonna give the wallet back.
- [ Laughs] Oh! Okay.

Well, uh, that's very interesting, Bob.
So, um-

You don't actually shrink people.

That's- That's just
a term, “shrink?

Well, that's good,
because nowadays, you know...

most people wanna be tall.

- Coffee, Gordon?
- Oh, yeah. Thank you.

Aren't you gonna eat
any of your goose?

Uh, no, sorry. He looks
too much like Kevin.

- Kevin?
- Yeah. Kevin is a goose I know.

You know a goose?

Sure. When you work
in a bird sanctuary, I mean...

you get to know an awful lot of birds
on a kind of one-to-one basis.

- And Kevin is a personal friend of yours?
- Oh, yeah.

Yeah, he's, uh- He's quite a goose.

And you know, Emily, this goose
has exactly Kevin's build...

sol hope you understand.

- Oh, Gordon, I'm so sorry.
- No, that's all right.

- No, no, I'm really very sorry.
- Okay.

I know what it's like
to be close to an animal.

L, uh-When I was a kid, I had
a pet snapping turtle called Prince.

Oh, really? You never
told me about Prince.

Well, I didn't want
to stir up sad memories.

- Oh, Prince d*ed?
- No, I traded it to Owen Lissy.

Uh, Owen d*ed.

I don't know whatever
happened to Prince.

_ H”
- Oh, hi, Ellen.

- Hi, Bob.
- Oh, I thought you were in Cleveland.

Yeah, I was, but I finished up
a day early, so here I am.

- Where's Howard?
- He's in Topeka with a planeload of prunes.

Aha. That sounds like Howard.
[Chuckles]

Well, uh, this is Howard's brother, Gordon.
Gordon, this is Bob's sister, Ellen.

Warden Gordon Borden.

I'm really- I'm really
so pleased to meet you.

Oh, same here.

Gee, the resemblance to Howard
is just incredible! [Sighs]

- Gordon?
- Huh? Yeah?

- You're holding my hand.
- Oh, yes. Yes, I know.

Well, would you mind holding the other hand?
That one's getting kind of numb.

- Oh! Oh, I'm sorry.
- You want something to eat?

Oh, no thanks. I can't stay.
Smells good, though. What is it?

Kevin.

It's goose, and
we don't know its name.

- Probably Eric.
- Bob.

Gee, I, uh-l should get home
and get unpacked.

Oh,yeah. I, uh-
I gotta get going too.

Emily, thanks so much for the dinner.
I'm, uh- I'm sorryl hated it.

- You're welcome, Gordon.
- Can I give you a ride?

Oh, yeah. That'd be neat.

Only, uh, I don't want you to go
too far out of your way.

- Oh, where are you staying?
- Across the hall.

[ Laughs]
You're Howard's brother.

- Uh, Ellen?
- Yeah?

- Howard says you're his girl.
- Yeah, I guess I am.

[Chuckles]
Boy, that Howard.

- He sure is a... lucky duck.
- [Chuckles]

[Chuckling, Grunting]
Uh.

- Oh, sorry.
- [ Chuckling] Can we change hands again?

- Sure. Uh-huh.
- Thank you. [Clears Throat]

- Bye.
- [ Door Closes]

Bob. You know how Gordon's always
taking things from Howard?

Yeah, but I'm sure Gordon
will return hisjacket.

I'm not talking about thejacket.
I'm talking about the girl.

Oh. E-Emily, I'm sure that, uh...

shejust reminds him of
a personal friend of his.

Debbie the pheasant.

Look at this, honey. They found a German soldier
who's been missing in action since .

Oh.
His parents'll be glad to see him.

You know, Bob? I woke up this morning,
and I was still thinking about it.

- Gordon is smitten with Ellen.
- “Smitten“?

Emily, nobody says “smitten“ anymore.

- All right, he's taken with her.
- Taken with her? How old are you, Emily?

All right. He's enamored!

Emily, get with it.

All right.
how would you describe it?

I would say that he thinks
she's the... cat's pajamas.

That describes it perfectly. I mean, you
saw the way he sparked to her last night.

Emily, the last thing
Ellen is gonna do...

is to drop Howard for Gordon.

That's like trading a whoopee cushion
for an exploding cigar.

Well, I don't want to be the one
to tell Howard what happened.

- Nothing happened.
- What do you mean, “Nothing happened“?

They left together last night.

So they left together.
What's wrong with leaving together?

Well, nothing.
lfthat's all they did.

That's all they did.

[Sighs]
Hi, Bob. Hi, Emily.

Where's, uh- Where's Gordon?

He's not here.

Gee, I got home late last night,
and he wasn't in the apartment.

Thought maybe he stayed over here, rather
than go all the way across the hall late at night.

Nothing happened, Howard.

Bob, it was his first night in town.
It was your responsibility.

- I mean, where did he go?
- I don't know. Where did he go, Emily?

Well, uh, he- He probably went out
for a cup of coffee.

Oh, that's it. That's it.

Yeah, he probably went to one of
those diners where they, you know...

- keep filling the cup and don't charge anything.
- Aha. Sure. [Chuckles]

That's what happened.
Well, I gotta get back to the airport...

- and, uh, pick up Ellen.
- Uh, I, uh- I wouldn't do that, Howard.

You know? Uh.
She might not come in today.

- Why not?
- Why not, Bob?

Oh, because, uh,
maybe she came in last night...

and-and came over here
and met Gordon.

- Did she?
- I don't know. Did she, Emily?

- Yes, she did.
- Great. How'd they get along?

Uh, I don't know, Bob.
How would you say they got along?

Uh, they got along okay.

He, uh- He left with her.

Oh, well, then. Great.
There's nothing to worry about.

He's, uh, probably
spending the night at Ellen's.

[Chuckles]

Door Closes

Well, there it is, Bob.
The beginning of the end.

Emily, nobody would
take his brother's girl.

Well, my sister stole my boyfriend,
and she married him.

[Laughing]

That, uh- that fat guy
with the bulging eyes-

[Chuckling]
L-Leopold Osner?

He was- He was your boyfriend?
[Laughing]

- That's right.
- He, uh- He's the ugliest guy I've ever seen.

[Laughing]

Well, he was very
attractive at the time.

Oh! Oh, I see.

I guess after
your sister stole him...

he turned into King Kong.

Carol, I won't be in this afternoon.
I'm going to the dentist.

Well, when you're there, ask him
how many teeth people have.

[Laughs] Hey, I already checked that.
You were right.

Thirty-two.
[Chuckles]

I was thinkin' of a piano.

- Pianos don't have teeth.
- Right! They have keys.

- Eight-eight keys.
- Yeah. Well, the one I was thinking of...

doesn't have any wisdom keys.

♪♪ [ Whistling]

- Hi.
- Oh, good. Here comes another one.

- Hi, Gordon.
- Hi, Carol.

How were the whooping cranes?
Did they get it on yet?

City women.

- Oh, hiya, Bob.
- Hi.

- Hi, Gordon.
- Uh, you haven't seen Howard, have ya?

No, as a matter of fact,
I think he's looking for you.

Oh, there's no way
he could have found me. I, uh-

I was with Ellen all night.

You know, I think we ought
to have a little talk.

Oh, maybe later, Bob. Because, you see,
right now I'd like to have a little talk.

You know, last night was
the most wonderful night of my life.

I mean, it was a night
just made for love.

You, uh- You didn't even
think about Howard?

Oh, no. No. No, we werejust watching
those whooping cranes.

You know, well-
[Chuckles]

It takes all night?

Oh,yeah. It's very unusual,
the way they go about it, Bob.

You see, they have very long necks
and very skinny legs.

So when they run at each other,
it's kind of a-

kind of a hit-and-miss proposition.

And they- You and Ellenjust watched them
sort of flail at each other?

Mm-hmm. Yeah. That's all.

Good.
[Sighs]

Because now, Bob, I'd, uh-

I'd like to get into
something entirely different.

- I want to marryyour sister.
- What?

- Well, I love Ellen, Bob.
- Have you told Ellen this?

Oh, no, no. There's something very
important I have to askyou first.

- What's Ellen's favorite color?
- Why?

Well, because you see, I've got to get
a bigger tent, and a double sleeping bag...

and so it might as well be in a color
she likes,you know?

I mean, my favorite color is khaki.

That's her favorite color, too.

Great! Well, that's all I need to know.
So long, Bob. I gotta go now.

Boy, you know, last night
was just terrific.

It was like the first day of spring,
when you hear the indigo bunting call...

“Ter-willow! Ter-willow! Ter-willow!

Tar-willow! Tar-willow! Tar-willow!"

That's the way
I want to propose to Ellen.

I don't see how she could refuse.

You know something?
You're a good ironer, Gordon.

- Aw.
- I think it runs in the family.

I mean, Dad was a terrific ironer,
but I thinkyou're even better.

Well,you know, Howie, I had an awful lot
of practice in college...

because I did all the ironing
for my fraternity brothers.

Well, I could have helped you
if you hadn't had me blackballed.

Howard, there is something that
you have got to understand about that.

Itwasn'tjust me.
A lot of the guys wanted you out.

- Really?
- Yeah!

- All those years, I thought it was just you!
- No, no.

It was just that they-
They didn't need two ironers.

Well,you made up for it last night
by taking Ellen to the zoo.

- She said she had a wonderful time.
- Oh, Ellen's a wonderful girl.

- Yeah.
- Ever see her eyes light up when she laughs?

Yeah. Did you ever see her eyes
light up when she talks?

- Yeah.
- Well, then, you should see her eyes light up...

when she laughs and talks
at the same time!

Boy, that must really
be something to see.

It is! It's not easy to do.

-I love Ellen.
- Yeah, me too.

I mean, I-l really love her, Howie.

And I'm-
I'm gonna ask her to marry me.

But I already asked her to marry me!

Well, yeah, but Howie,
she turned you down.

Waita minute.
Are you stealing my girl?

Now, that's not stealing. You know.

I mean, you've already had your chance.
I'm just mopping up.

[Gasping]

You rat! I mean,
you stole my roller skates...

and my ant farm and my paper route,
now you're stealing my girl!

I never stole your roller skates.
I stole your ice skates.

I lost your roller skates.

- Well, what's the difference?
- One has wheels, and the other has blades!

- Hi, fellas.
- I'll be with you in a minute, Ellen.

We've got something
to straighten out.

- You don't love her. You hardly know her!
- I do love her.

- I love her more!
- Oh, yeah?

- Yeah!
- Maybe I should come back later.

You stay right here
and make up your mind right now!

- About what?
- I mean, whether it's me or him.

Yeah, Ellen.
You really gotta make a decision...

because, you see, I, uh-
I have to leave tonight.

- Hold it. Are you two fighting over me?
- Yeah.

- I want you to come to Oregon.
- And I want you to stay here in Chicago.

But I want to move to Cleveland.

- What do you mean, you're moving to Cleveland?
- Oh, Howard.

I've gotten a terrificjob offer
on the newspaper there, and...

-I think I'm gonna take it.
- Well, I can't move to Cleveland.

- Can't break my lease.
- Yeah, I- I can't go either.

I'm not asking
either one of you to go.

I mean, this is something
I have to do for myself.

- You mean, I'll never see you again?
- Oh, Howard, don't be silly.

You're not gonna get rid
of me that easily.

First of all, I'm not leaving for a month. And
then, I'll only be a couple hundred miles away.

- What about me? - lfmy newspaper ever
does a story on whooping cranes...

you'll be the first guy I call.

Well, look.
Call the ranger station, will ya?

- Because they'll always know where I am.
- So long, Gordon.

Yeah. So long.
And if the ranger is out...

just try him again,
'cause he's either in town...

or he's maybe gone to the bathroom.

Okay. [Chuckling]
I'll see you.

So long, Gordon, and thanks
for a night I'll never forget.

- Bye.
- So long, Howard.

- Bye, Ellen. I'll see you tomorrow.
- [Gordon] Bye.

Boy! Did you see
the way her eyes lit up?

Yeah, I saw it, Howie.
You don't have to rub it in.

Just remember, she's my girl,
and you're not gonna steal her.

All right. Then I'm
keeping the wallet.

- Yeah, but you're not keeping my shirt!
- What the-

Hold it! Now, that's not your shirt.

- Now you're stealing my shirt!
- Howard, that's a game warden's shirt.

- It's a navigators shirt.
- It is not!

- It is too!
-Hi!

- Hi! Gordon's stealing my shirts.
- I am not!

You are too! And it's got
my name on it- Borden!

I don't want to listen to this.
Let's leave.

- No, I want to find out who owns the shirt.
- I own the shirt.

- No- No, I own it.
- It's notyour shirt!

- It is too!
- W-Wait one minute! Wait one minute.

Now, I think that I can settle this.

[Ripping]

Wait a minute, mister.
The ladyjust tore my navigator shirt.

- You owe me . .
- Oh, no. No, no.

It happens to be a game warden's shirt,
and it cost $ . !

Right! You owe us . .

- All right, give me your wallet.
- Here.

Wait a minute.
Don't fall for that, Gordon.

Put your wallet back in your pocket.

I'll pay for this.

Any messages on
the answering service?

Just for Howard.
His brother's coming to town.

- Gordon's coming back?
- No, this is his other brother.

- Norman.
- Norman Borden?

Yeah. Guess what he does.

Don't tell me, Emily.
I don't wanna know.

He's a doorman.

Really?

Yeah, he works in Salt Lake City,
at the tabernacle.

- Don't tell me he's a Mormon.
- Mm-hmm.

Norman Borden, the Mormon doorman.

[Laughing]

-[Sighs]
- How long did it take you to think that up?

Four hours.

Your brother-in-law
still looks like King Kong.

[ Mews]