05x18 - The World According to Avery

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Murphy Brown". Aired: November 14, 1988 – May 18, 1998.*
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Murphy Brown is the star reporter of "FYI," a newsmagazine series.
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05x18 - The World According to Avery

Post by bunniefuu »

♪♪ In love ♪♪

♪♪ With you ♪♪

♪♪ Oh-oh, oh-oh ♪♪

Miles:
can we have some quiet?!

We're in the middle
of a run-through here.

Murphy:
miles, I'm sorry I'm late,
but eldin's sick

So I've got avery for the day.

Oh, hey, look who it is.

Murphy:
what is it about a baby

That makes grown people
act like such idiots?

Do you have any idea
what you must look like to him?

No, and we don't care.

All right, people, fun is fun,
but we've got work to do.

Murphy,
we're not ready for you yet

So why don't
you and avery just relax?

You're not getting your gums
on this beauty.

Sooner or later,
he'll drop his guard

Then it's lunchtime
at the brooks brothers cafe.

Come on.
Mommy's going to show you

Where she made
casper weinberger cry.

Miles:
okay.

So after frank's segment

We move on
to corkster's piece on...

Well, you know.

It's all right
to say it, miles.

"Divorce in the ' s."

Will and I are just separated.

It doesn't mean
our marriage is over.

You can separate an egg

But as long
as the yolk and the white

Haven't been scrambled

It's possible everything
will turn out sunny-side up.

Hey, I never really looked at it
that way before.

I see your point.

T to commercial
if she goes wacko.

Okay, that's everything
at the anchor desk.

Now let's talk
about murphy's interview

With senator matheson.

Okay, miles, here's the plan.

I'm going to lob him a few
softballs to get him relaxed

Then hit him
with the hard stuff.

Get a close-up

When I do, bearing in mind
that the senator's

A little taller.

Senator,
thank you for joining us.

How have you been?

Good. That's very good.

How is congress getting along
with the new president?

Oh... Very interesting.

Senator, would you mind
explaining this photo of you

Accepting a briefcase
full of cash

From mob boss joey gambon, hmm?

Not talking, huh?

Or... This photo
of you playing scrub-a-dub

With an unknown companion, eh?

Ha! Gotcha
with that one.

When I finish with matheson

He's going to have
less to say than avery

And be twice as wet.

A u.s. Senator
in bed with the mob.

This is big.

This is share big.

Great work, murphy.

And to show you
how pleased I am

Here you go, avery.
Chow down.

Now, for the rest of you

After the broadcast,
I'm buying at phil's tonight.

Figures. I won't be here.

Why not?

My father's th birthday.

I'm leaving after the show.

What?!

Oh, no. Oh, geez.

Miles:
what's the matter?

I'm not going
to tell her.

You tell her.

Tell me what.

Avery, you are so cute.

Do you mind
if I hold him?

There's nothing like having
a baby in your arms

Especially when you have
to tell his mother

The senator
she was going to nail

Just got arrested
by federal marshals.

What?!

He can't confess! Not yet!

Murphy,
I'm holding the baby.

Hi, honey.

Miles, I've been working
for months on this story.

I even had dinner

With a guy named
joey razorface.

Give me the baby, john.

Get your own.

So we lost our
live interview.

We'll just have to rerun
one of your old pieces.

I won't be the only one
without an original story.

I'll get another interview.

Where?

Politicians are so desperate
to be on television

They fight each other to stand
in front of the camcorder

At sears.

Frank, I've got
to go out for a while.

Would you look after avery?

Sure. Want to spend
some time with uncle frank?

Don't use him to pick up girls
at phil's again.

Sweetheart, mommy's got
to do a little work

But I'll be back,
and when I do...

Go! We don't have all day!

Maybe I don't need all day,
o ye of little faith.

In fact, watch me saunter.

(Whistling)

Move it! Get out of the way!

Move it! Move it!

Frank: please, I can take a cab.

It's not a problem.

No, I don't want you
to pick me up at the airport.

Dad, the flight doesn't get in
till after midnight.

No, I don't want you to drive

To the airport in your pajamas.

You said you wouldn't
get out of the car last time

Then I find you chasing
robert goulet

Trying to get his autograph.

Of course he wouldn't
give it to you.

He probably thought
you were an outpatient.

Don't put mom on.

It's too hard to talk to you
both at the same...

Hi, mom.

I didn't say I didn't want
to talk to you.

I'm not yelling at her, dad.

Look, let's not fight, okay?

It's your birthday tomorrow.

I got you a great gift.

Really?

You bought yourself a present?

Good for you.

What did you get?

A new golf bag.

Dad, how could you get yourself
a new golf bag

The day before your birthday?

Did it ever occur to you
that i...

I'm not yelling at him, mom.

Dad, listen...

I can't hear you when you both
talk at the same time.

Hey.

Hey!

Hello?

I' just see you tonight, okay?

(Screaming)

♪♪ Avery ♪♪

♪♪ Little boy baby avery. ♪♪

What are we going
to do, pal?

Let's see
what we've got here.

A rattle of some kind.

Boring.

Rainbow trout.

Hey.

Hey, hey.

Let's go fishing, pal.

It's stuck.

Get that rope off the tree.

So, tell me, partner

How they biting over there?

I'll have you know I caught me
a -pounder yesterday

Yep.

Right over here
by lake stupid golf bag.

I always wanted to go fishing
with my dad

But with the restaurant
he never had the time.

He said after
filleting fish all week

Last thing he wanted to do
was look for more.

It's true.

Uh-oh, uh-oh, whoa,
we got a big one.

He's a fighter.

Yes, he is a fighter.

Get the net.

Get the net, the net!

Yes!

Well, I got to get back
to work...

(Crying)

Hey, come on.

Don't you think I want to play?

But I've got a job to do.

Believe me,
someday when you are older

You'll understand...

Oh, man,
does that sound familiar.

But it's not
the same thing.

I'm under a lot more pressure
than my dad was.

I work all day.

Lots of nights.

Okay, okay, so did he.

Plus he had seven kids.

Wow.

Go ahead, say it.

I've been a selfish pig.

(Jabbering)

Thanks a lot.

Dad, listen, I was thinking

Maybe this weekend you and I
could get together...

Frank.

Anyway, what if
sometime this weekend

We go down to the marina,
we rent a boat

Maybe do a little fishing?

I just thought that since
you sold the restaurant

Years ago,
maybe you were over it.

Mom, could you get off
the phone

So I can talk to dad?

It's not a secret.

I'm not yelling at her, dad.

Look, we'll talk about it

When you pick me up
at the airport.

And please do me a favor.

Put a raincoat on
over the pajamas.

(Groaning)

Frank, I've told you

Not to call
your parents from the office.

Now, I just heard

That the network needs extra
time for the newsbreak tonight.

You'll have to cut seconds
of the sunken treasure piece.

Okay, but murphy's
not back yet.

Somebody's got
to watch avery.

No.

I'm having lunch with audrey.

I just love babies

But one really
isn't enough, is it?

I'd want lots and lots,
wouldn't you?

Me? Uh... Sure.

Considering that "lots"
is an indeterminate number

And my lifestyle is such
that children would be a burden

Falling mostly on the woman
in my life

Who would grow weary and haggard
under the strain.

Do you want your pickle?

Help yourself.

I think someone's
just about ready for his bottle.

Why don't you feed him
the rest of these bananas

And I'll go warm it up.

Okey-dokey.

Something about this picture
looks very right.

Stop being so cute.

Cry, whine, spit up on her.

I'll give you bucks
for one good hoo-ugh

On her new blouse.

It's too early for audrey and me
to be talking about babies.

See, we recently
moved in together

And the next logical step
is marriage

And then after that, you.

Apparently, according to audrey,
lots of yous.

I'm not ready for that kind
of responsibility.

Look at this,
I can't even get you to eat.

Here, watch this.

Mmm, yum, yum, good.

(Choking)

Oh, you think that's
pretty funny, don't you?

Okay, watch this.

(Crying)

Oh, wait a minute.

I know what you're trying to do.

You're trying to make me think
I'm good at this.

You're trying to soften me up.

Well, it's not going to work.

No sirree.

Okay, maybe it's going
to work a little.

I suppose I could do this
if I had to

And you are pretty cute.

Yes, you are.

(Imitating gears grinding)

Oh, oh, oh, oh, look at this.

I lost a button.

Did you take my button, avery?

Did you take uncle miles'...

Open your mouth.

Say ah.

Don't swallow!

Audrey:
here's your bottle.

Oh, did you lose
a button, pookie?

You found it!

Thank you, lord.

Are you all right?

We can't have babies now.

They're needy, they're helpless

And how do you clip
their toenails

Without taking off
the whole toe?

No babies now.

Who said anything
about having babies?

My god, miles,
we just moved in together.

Can't we just slow down
and enjoy it?

Pookie.

Oh, very nice.

I walk into my office
and find my son being exposed

To page
of the kama-sutra

And with food.

Did you find an interview
for tonight?

No. I even went
to the senate office building

And tried knocking on doors.

It seems everyone's busy,
out of town, or in rehab.

We're going
with the rerun.

No. You do a rerun
when you're desperate

And I'm a long ways
from desperate.

So you take
your live sex show

To someone else's office

And let me get
some work done.

Leave the blintzes.

Okay...
Here's the deal.

Just between us, mommy
isa little desperate.

So we'll just have to pull out
all the stops, won't we?

Mm-hmm.

Hi, it's murphy own.

I know we haven't talked
for a long time

But we've got an opening
on fyi tonight

And I thought it might be fun
if we just...

Hello?

Hello?

Vice president quayle?

Boy, you talk about
holding a grudge.

On that same area
for about a half an hour.

Oh, god.

You can see it,
can't you?

I don't know
what you're talking about.

Corky, I need you
to do me a fa...

Jeez, what's that
on your neck--

Mount st. Helens?

Great.

I can't cover this
with ordinary makeup.

I'll have to get
the stuff they use

On the gabors.

Corky, I'm going out
for a while

So I need you
to look after avery.

Sure!

Murphy, are you still looking
for someone

To interview tonight?

You know, we go on the air
in two hours.

George will is giving
an anniversary party

For the kissingers tonight.

With the crowd
that will be there

A chimpanzee could land
a great interview.

Gee, it must be wonderful
to be invited

To parties like that--

Mingling with people
who have made history, and...

Oh, murphy,
you weren't invited, were you?

You're going to crash
kissinger's anniversary party.

Relax. Henry will be
thrilled to see me

Especially when he sees
that picture I dug up

Of him, jill st. John,
and bebe rebozo

Playing pass the orange.

So, wish me luck.

Hi, avery.

Oh, god.

You're looking at it too.

It's awful, isn't it?

Gosh, I haven't had
one of these since...

Well, since my wedding night.

Guess it must be stress.

Not that I'm under any stress.

Oh, sure, I'm separated, but...

So are eggs and salad dressing

And half the royal family.

So, what would you like to do?

We could... Sing

Or... I could tell you
a little story.

Would you like that?

All right.

Let's see.

Once upon a time

There lived
a beautiful, young princess

Who became
a very successful journalist

And won the humboldt award
three years ago.

Thank you very much.

Anyway, she fell in love

And married
a handsome, young prince

And she thought
because her life

Had always been
such a fairy tale

They'd live happily ever after

But they didn't.

They had problems.

They grew apart.

And finally, the prince moved
to another kingdom

With his own castle

And a hot tub

And a view
of the hollywood sign.

(Sighs)

And the princess wished
upon a star

That a fairy godmother
would come and help her...

But instead she was visited
by an attorney

From harrison, o'brien,
and kipner...

With divorce papers.

She never told anyone
she got the divorce papers

Because she just knew
if she said it out loud

Her whole world would end.

But then, one day,
a magical, bouncing elf

Tricked her
into saying it out loud...

And the princess was surprised.

Her world didn't end.

And then she realized...

Even if her life

Wasn't going to be
happily ever after...

At least maybe
it was going to be okay.

(Sighs)

(Sighs)

And now for another story.

Once upon a time, there was
a beautiful, young princess

Who grew a second head
out of her neck.

Oh, god. Didi!

Jim, murphy's not back yet

So you have
to watch avery

While I go
to wardrobe.

Corky, please.

This is
my personal time.

Everyone knows
I sit here alone

Before each show

And do the new york times
crossword puzzle... Alone.

Everybody knows that.

But jim, I can't take the baby
to wardrobe.

There are pins in there.

I'm very sorry, but I'm afraid
this is impossible.

Explain to murphy
why when she gives him a bottle

The milk squirts out
of little holes in his body.

But i...

Well, all right.

Leave him.

But this is
highly irregular.

See you later,
avery.

All right.

I suppose
I'll have to let you in

On a little secret--

I'm not really doing
the crossword puzzle.

See? I just wrote "blorph"

And it isn't even
a word.

Well, it might be to you perhaps

But the point is
the puzzle is just a cover

So people will leave me alone.

You see,
I have this little... Ritual

That I do before each show.

I've been doing it
ever since I started

In this business
as a way to relax me.

Not that I get nervous,
you understand.

Certainly not.

It's just that I appear live

In front
of million people each week.

Million.

Have you any idea

What a responsibility
that is?

One wrong facial expression

And I can send the nation
into an emotional tailspin.

Once, during a story
on the economy

I banged my knee under the desk
and grimaced slightly.

The next day, the stock market
dropped points.

Well, anyway, this ritual I do
has become a tradition

And it's... Well, it's not
something I've ever done

In front of anyone, but...

It's getting late

So I guess I'll have
to go ahead and do it

With you watching.

(Clears throat)

(Long, loud outburst
of flatulence)

There.

That stays between us,
understand?

All right, two minutes
to air, everybody.

She's not going to make it.

Why is she doing this
to me?

Why didn't she let me run
an old interview?

Why not save us all
some time

And back her car over me?

Hi, everybody.

You're here-- great!

You're alone-- not great!

Relax.
My interview will be right in.

Who did you get?

Hello there, sweetie.

Did you get some good dirt
on everybody?

We'll talk
on the way home.

We are on the air
in seconds--

Enough time
for the blood clot

Forming in my left ventricle

To dislodge itself
and travel to my brain

Where, if I'm lucky,
it will k*ll me instantly.

Where is this interview
you're sticking me with?!

Jim:
dear lord!

Frank:
jeez, louise!

Holy...

Ness.

Your... Your holiness.

How are you?

This is miles silverberg,
our producer

And my son avery.

Kutchy-kutchy-coo...

John:
all right, ten seconds,
everybody.

Let's go.
Just another show.

Right this way,
your eminence.

Here we go, people

In five, four, three, two...

Good evening, and welcome
to another edition of fyi.

For your information tonight...
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