Good morning,
ms. Brown.
I'm your new secretary,
dorothy hessmeyer
But you can
call me dottie
And I should call you..?
When something important
happens.
Dottie, I need you
to call research
And get me
any proposed legislation
On insurance reform
in the last six months.
Absolutely.
Let me just get my pad
And write this down.
(Yaps)
I don't understand.
Usually, he only barks this way
around skunks.
(Yapping)
Brian, quiet.
(Yapping)
No, don't worry, dottie.
He didn't even break the skin.
So, anyway, murph.
Guess what just arrived?
Yes, fresh
from the orient
A chinese spice so hot
That when we add it to the salsa
at the dinner
At the press club
tomorrow night
Andy rooney's tongue
Will swell up
to three times its normal size
And that is a lot of tongue.
This is going
to be fun.
Right, right, the dinner.
I can't believe it.
You forgot.
Frank, I did not forget.
I'm insulted that you
would even think that.
It's just that...
I'm a mother now
And I don't feel right
about doing mean things
To people anymore.
I know I can do
better than that.
How could you forget,
murph?
We go to this dinner
every year.
It's a tradition.
Eldin's driving
to philadelphia
To see the impressionist
exhibit.
I'm spending the day
with avery.
Can't you find a sitter?
You don't just
find a sitter.
There was that -year-old
But ever since
the zoe baird thing
She demands I pay her
social security
And withholding taxes.
I'm going alone?
That's going to be fun.
The only single
in a room full of couples.
What are you getting
so upset for?
It's not just this time.
It was the car show
last month
The b*ll*ts game
Two weeks ago.
Frank, my kid had a rash.
What was I supposed to do?
You're just going
to have to understand.
I'm a parent now.
Stuff comes up.
Well, I know that
But I was here first.
Murph,
we had a deal.
We were going to be there
for each other
And grow old together.
Frank, we are old together.
I'm behind in my work.
I'm overloaded at home.
I don't need you
dumping on me
Because you have problems
going places alone.
Hey, I have no problem
going places alone.
In fact, I have gone
more places alone
Than you have ever gone
with someone
In your entire life...
And I can go
to this dinner alone.
Fine, then go,
and leave me alone.
I will!
(Doorbell rings)
Who is it?
Frank.
Frank who?
Sinatra.
I'm looking for dino
And the gold diggers.
Hi.
Frank...
What are you doing here?
Oh, no. Something awful
has happened, hasn't it?
Oh, god, no! Jim d*ed!
I can't believe it.
I always thought miles
would be the first to go.
Relax. Nothing's wrong.
I was driving home
from this press club dinner
And I thought,
"you know what?
"I'm going to stop
by corky's.
"I've never
done that before.
It will be fun."
I grabbed a pie, some brews.
We can hang.
It's : at night, frank.
You came by to hang?!
Who goes to bed at this hour
on saturday night?
I do. I have to get up early
and hang at church.
Good night, frank.
Corky, please,
I need someone totalk to
And my therapist
has slapped a gag order on me
From : p.m.
To : a.m.
Corky, listen...
The real reason I'm here
Is because miles has audrey,
jim has doris
Murphy has the baby
And now that
you and will have split
You're the only one
of my friends who's alone...
Like me.
Okay... But put one
of those cathy coasters
Under your beer.
I'll get you a plate.
So, I'm at this dinner, right?
Everywhere I look,
I'm telling you
There's husbands and wives,
boyfriends and girlfriends...
It's couples,
couples everywhere.
The television is on.
What are you watching?
Espn. Brazilian volleyball.
Frank, do you want
to talk
Or do you want
to watch sports?
I can do both.
Well, all right,
just leave the picture.
Just mute it! Aw, oh!
Now, go ahead.
You were saying
there were couples everywhere.
Yeah, and I'm
the only one there by myself
And I tell you, it really,
it felt kind of weird.
Do you want a slice?
I'm not eating.
I'm just picking.
And then, as I am leaving
Morley safer introduces me
to his wife as "a bachelor."
A bachelor!
I am not a bachelor.
A bachelor
Is someone
with a cocktail shaker
And a zebra skin rug.
Maybe I'm not married yet
But I never thought of myself
as a bachelor.
Frank, you're years old.
You live alone in an apartment
with no furniture, no plants
And the closest you've
ever come to a commitment
Is the time you bought
that cardboard cutout of a dog
And you left that
out on the terrace
Until it rained
and the face peeled off.
You know, when I go
to murphy's to talk
We just play nintendo.
Oh, god!
How did I get here?
I tell you,
I always saw myself
Married to a nice girl
With lots of kids
running around.
Okay, maybe I am years old,
but I just don't feel ready yet.
No one's ever ready.
Sometimes you just have
to take the leap, and trust.
Doesn't mean it's always
going to work out.
Like with will and me.
But at least
I took the leap
And I'm a better person
for it.
So, you can either
follow my example
Or you can just say, "hey, world
"I'm frank fontana,
and I'm happy with my life
"And if I die old and alone
"Surrounded by nothing
but faceless cardboard pets
That's okay by me."
Oh, god!
Hey, guys.
Am I nuts
Or is there just a hint
of spring in the air today?
Get the net.
Murph, before you say anything
I just want to apologize
for what happened on friday.
It was all my fault...
My issues,
but I had
A great talk with corky.
She helped me see things
more clearly.
I did?
After I left your house
the other night
I was thinking to myself
I could do
the typical frank thing
And go into a big depression
Or I could follow your advice
and take that leap--
Maybe find the life that I want.
So here goes.
Guys, I would like
To invite you all
To my apartment
this sunday for brunch.
Miles:
and afterwards
We'll take a magical
carpet ride to a land
Where pixies and fairies
will dip us in chocolate
And put tiny hats
on our heads.
Guys, what is so weird
about this?
I've been
To all your houses for brunch.
Yes, but, frank,
the difference is
Those are
our houses.
We have
brunch-type things there.
Things like food,
places to eat the food
Things to eat
the food with.
We appreciate
what you're trying to do
But take us out to brunch.
Somewhere we don't have
to squat on the floor
And eat out of cans.
I don't usually do
any entertaining
But you've got
to stop putting me
Into the same old patterns.
I want you all at my house
this sunday for brunch.
Spend a little time
with the new frank fontana.
Oh, god,
what have I done?
I saw the parking space,
so I took it.
How was I to know
you were going to park there?
Your first clue: my flashing
turn signal and backup lights.
Clue number two:
my leaning out
The car window, yelling,
"that's my space!"
I am shocked
at this lack of courtesy.
I have a baby now.
I have to lug around
an enormous amount of stuff.
You didn't bring the baby.
You're developing
a real mean streak.
I'd work on it.
Are you two cowards
waiting out here
Because you're afraid
To go in?
Okay, we stay one hour,
then we stagger our excuses.
Jim, christening.
Miles, tax problems.
Corky, aerobics.
Me, baby. Got it?
Yeah.
Fine.
(Doorbell ringing)
Hey! Come on in.
We're glad
you made it.
Frankie's in the kitchen
With the stove going full blast.
Don't just
stand there.
Let me take
your coats.
Corky, what
a gorgeous outfit.
That color
is great on you.
Jim, miles. Where's
doris and audrey?
Tax problems.
Christening.
Oh, that's too bad.
Well, more food for us,
am I right?
Murph, don't tell me
You left your little angel
at home.
Frankie showed me his picture.
Oh, my god,
he is so big.
God bless him.
Uh-huh.
Here, let me put these
in the bedroom.
Frankie! Stick your face
in here.
Say hello to everyone.
Hi, guys. I'll be right out.
I'm just adding the garlic.
Crucial moment.
Just like my father.
Italian men
and their sauce.
Am I right?
Who the hell was that?
Never mind her.
Who was the man
in the kitchen?
Whoever she is,
she knows who we are.
Frank must have
introduced us before.
Where did we meet her?
Everyone hurry, think.
Oh, god.
Look on the terrace.
Frank has a plant.
Forget the plant.
Look at this.
Furniture.
Where did it all
come from?
It's like we stumbled
into a parallel universe
Where frank is happy
and well-adjusted.
What can I get you all
to drink?
You mean
We're still sober?
Here you go,
a little bruschetta
But I don't want you
to eat too much.
I have got a big meal
coming out any minute.
Little antipasto,
linguini, some meatballs.
I'm jim dial.
I don't believe
we've met.
Frank
Where did you get
the furniture...
And everything?
Catalogs.
It is amazing what you can get
by picking up the phone
And dialing - -couch
- -Lamp,
- -plate.
Frank, this is delicious.
Don't tell me. Tell julianna.
She made everything.
The only thing
I am cooking
Is my famous
marinara sauce.
So, you all
met julianna?
Well, of course we have,
many times.
Where exactly was it
we first met, julianna?
At the door
just now.
It's all right.
Frankie's told me
about you.
I feel like
I know you all.
Corky, julianna and I
met this week
But it feels like...
We've known
each other...
That's amazing.
I was just going
to say that.
It's funny-- I was going
to say something too.
What the hell is going on?
What's going on...
All right. All right.
For the first time
in my life
I'm facing facts.
I realize that if I want
to get serious and settle down
I've got to face things
differently
So I went to this
video dating service
And I'm looking
at some tapes
And there she was,
julianna fratizonni.
I come across very well on vhs.
I always have.
I don't know why.
And she's saying
How she is tired
of playing the field
And she wants a life
Based on the traditions
she grew up with
And I'm thinking,
"that's me. I'm her."
We fit.
She's just like the girls
from the old neighborhood.
Except I haven't
done time.
We have been together
every day this week
And if things
keep going this well
The next time
you come to brunch
You might just be visiting
mr. And mrs. Frank fontana.
(Coughing)
Miles, you okay?
You need
to be heimliched?
I'm okay.
Didn't choke cause
of what you said.
I just forgot
to chew and breathe.
Geez, I missed
one b*ll*ts game
And a press club dinner.
Don't you think
you're overreacting?
Murph, this has nothing
to do with you.
It's about me
and julianna.
I know it's sudden
But it feels
really right to us.
It does.
Well...
This is all so...
Insane?
No, jim. That's not
What I was going to say.
Sick? Delusional?
A little strange seem
But we are really
committed to this.
So much so
That we have decided
not to have sex
Until after we're married.
(Coughing)
This one definitely
has heimlich potential.
Maybe I ought
to get some drinks.
Let you get used
to the idea.
I'll give you a hand.
When I said
to make a change
In your life
The most
I thought you'd do
Is buy some new pants.
There you go, frank.
A simple misunderstanding.
She meant pants.
You heard marriage.
Get yourself
some nice khakis.
That will put the sing
back in your step.
Murph, you're telling me
to slow down.
I am years old.
I don't have time
to slow down.
I am leaping into my life.
Who are you?
One of the flying
fontana brothers?
You don't leap into life, frank.
You wade in carefully
so you don't hit your head.
Murph, I know
what I'm doing.
I just... It feels so...
God, how can I
describe it?
Madas a hatter?
Nutty as a fruitcake?
Hey, everyone
Look the pretty glasses
frank got
From - -goblet.
Frankie, I think
you better come here
And look at the sauce.
In a minute.
Murph,
you don't like her?
I just met her.
In ten minutes, maybe I'll
want to marry her too.
It looks like the sauce
may burn.
I'll be right out
to check it.
What's so important
it can't wait two minutes?
Can't you see I'm having
an important discussion?
The sauce will wait.
This is not
how you settle down
And make a life
with someone.
And sine when did you
become an expert?
It's not just me.
Tell him, jim.
This is so...
Demented?
Psychotic? Gaga?
Francis, we have company
waiting to eat that sauce.
I'm sure murph
won't mind waiting.
I am having an important
discussion with my best friend.
If you care s? Much
about the sauce
You check on it.
Don't use that tone with me.
I'm not your maid
Who said anything about a maid?
I'm asking for one minute.
I don't care
About the sauce.
You don't care
about the sauce.
I don't care
about the sauce.
(Pots and pans clanging)
She's the best thing
that's ever happened to me
And all I'm getting
is criticism, second-guessing
With "mentally unbalanced."
Well, you burnt the sauce!
The sauce is not burnt!,
T sauce is perfectly fine!
It is perfectly crap!
Now what do I do?
I don't care!
I am sick of the sauce!
You're sick of it?!
I'm sick of it!
We are all sick of it!
Maybe we should just
get rid of it!
(.glass breaks),
(Car alarm blares)
Murphy, so glad you took
that parking place
Right in front.
Where is
that tow truck?
I feel like the last guest
at the corleone family wedding.
She's still
in the bathroom.
What could she be doing
all this time?
Looking for the g*n
taped to the toilet t*nk?
I've got to hand it
to you.
This was absolutely
my worst brunch experience ever
And that includes the time
L.b.j. Sneezed that piece
of sausage link out his nose.
You're right, murph.
It was horrible.
How could i
get myself involved
In such a sick
relationship?
I got to break it off,
That or bolt down your cookware.
Murph, you got to stay here
while I talk to her.
I'm afraid to be alone.
Frank, it's too weird.
Please. I begging you.
All right, I'll stay.
Hi.
Oops, got to go.
If you're not there
When the automobile club comes,
bang, they're gone.
Your coat.
Mail it t? Me.
And if you crazy kids
Are thinking of throwing
anything else out the window
Warn me first.
Everyone's gone, huh?
All this food's going
to go to waste.
What a sin.
No one ate anything
It's kind of hard
without any sauce.
There might have been
if you hadn't let it burn.
Don't start about the sauce...
Oh, man.
Here we go again.
All of a sudden
Every time we talk about food,
we turn into my parents
One minute you were frank,
and the next minute
You were every one of my uncles
telling my aunts
To go into the kitchen
and be quiet.
I went nuts.
Now I know
why I avoid italian men.
That and those undershirts
without the arms.
So, I guess maybe
we ought to clear the table.
Right. Right. Good idea
Let's get this stuff
out of here.
(Sobs)
Uh, uh, uh...
Just forget it now.
We don't have to clear now.
I just can't believe
I did this.
Why am I so afraid
to be alone
I could@convince myself
I could make a life
with someone a week?
It's just so pathetic.
It's not pathetic.
Oh, please.
It's pathetic.
I'm pathetic.
I'm in my late s.,
I'm alone.
Everyone I know is married.,
I'm in my .
That's pathetic.
I'm much more pathetic
than you are.
I just bought $ ,
worth of furniture
Sight unseen, over the phone.
Julianna, listen to me.
Come here,
Put the breadstick down.
Look... You are sweet.
You're funny
Attractive.
You've got lots of friends
People who love you.
Why do you have to have
what everyone else has?
You've got to spend
more time
Looking at
what you've got
Rather than what
you don'thave.,
When I look at you
I see someone
who is great...
Alone.
So do i.
Yeah?
Yeah.
Right.
Maybe we need
a little more time alone
Getting to like
ourselves better.
Then maybe we could
try this again.
Maybe you're right.
Otherwise, by spring
One of us will be chopped up
and hidden in a freezer.
Yeah, like I want
to go through that again.
Come on.
I'll walk you
to the door.
You don't want me
to help you with the dishes?
They're really
not that dirty.
Remember? There
wasn't any sauce.
I'll see you, frank.
Hey, world!
It's me! Frank fontana!
Bachelor!
Yes.
(Crash)
Murphy:
aw, geez. I said warn me.