Morning there, petey.
You know, it's funny.
When I was young
Some of the kids
used to call me petey.
I used to b*at
the crap out of them.
You seen any jelly doughnuts?
Just one, right as it was
entering my mouth.
Would you like the rest of my
eclair?
I'll just trim off
the bite marks.
Although you
probably don't care.
You've been sh*t at
by foreign soldiers
Tortured by t*rrorists.
Still, you probably
don't want to eat
Where someone's teeth were.
That's okay, corky.
I've never put my teeth in
A place a former miss america had hers.
Maybe I'll like it.
(Giggles) oh, you.
You're looking a little b*at
there, pete moss.
I'd hate to think
all the travelling
Is catching up with you.
It's that darn news. It keeps
happening all over the world.
The israelis
and palestinians
Have been
making history.
I hate when that happens
And I'm not around.
I'd like to cover
that one myself.
What can I tell you,
pita bread?
Stories are like doughnuts.
If don't act fast,
someone else gets the jelly.
Hey, ho, people!
Greetings to the finest
news team on the planet.
Corky, that interview
you wanted with shari lewis--
She's all yours.
Go get her, tiger.
Peter, I got your notes
On that idea
for a mideast follow-up.
I'm am sending you back out.
Your story looks great.
Frank, your...
Wait a minute.
That isn't his story.
That's my story.
I'm sorry, do I have a
little jelly on my mouth?
Miles, I was going
to pitch that story.
I was just talking about it.
Tell him, jim.
Why would you even want
the shari lewis story?
Corky, you were standing
right there.
The mideast peace accord,
israelis, palestinians.
That's what you're doing?
What a wonderful story.
Corky,
that's my wonderful story.
As they say in the gulf
That aircraft carrier
has sailed.
You can't seriously be
letting him get away with this.
Oh, I don't know.
Write up some notes.
I'll take a look at them
and make a decision.
Wait a minute...
That's no way to...
Peo-ple.
Do we really
want to spend
Such a beautiful day
lost in rancor and malice?
The world is so full
of so many wonderful things--
The miracle of a flower...
The smell of autumn...
Waffle cones.
Let's enjoy life.
Oh, miles!
You found the lord?
Or he got lucky last night.
No, no, no, no, no.
I wasn't even
with audrey last night.
I was in new york
for a late meeting
And I came straight
to work this morning.
However, next sunday
may be a different story
For audrey and me.
Oh, my god.
He's got sideline passes
to the redskins' game.
I've never even seen
sideline passes.
You can't even get
regular seats.
They've been sold out
since .
And against the giants.
People k*ll for tickets like these.
And look.
There's a little clip
so you can wear them.
Pretty great, huh?
I got them from david gergen.
We were in the locker room
at the press club.
I lent him my overcoat,
and this is how he thanked me.
An overcoat got you
sideline passes?
Well, he was
pretty grateful
Since bob dole
had just stolen his pants.
There was nothing
in his locker but a note:
"I never forgive
and I never forget."
At last, a benefit
of the two-party system.
Forget audrey.
Take me
And I'll find
ways to repay you
Ten times better than sex.
I have seniority.
This is my idea.
Guys, guys!
As much as I'd like
to take you all
I don't think I should
be at the game
With a work buddy
When the scoreboard
flashes the message
"Audrey, will you
marry me?"
Miles!
Well done.
Well done,
miles!
Oh, my god!
I remember the first time
I saw you
With your little blue blazer
And your serious little face.
And now look at it.
It's going to be
a serious little married face.
I just have to pinch you!
I was starting
to think
You'd never do it.
What happened?
In my hotel room
in new york last night
I realized how much
I missed audrey
How much it meant
to know she was at home
Waiting for me.
Then I knew I wanted
her to be there
In years, in years,
when I'm in my grave.
That's not a reason to marry someone--
so they'll be sitting shiva for you.
Welcome to the fraternity
of the ring.
I wish you
a world of happiness.
Thanks, jim.
Miles, I'm so
happy for you.
Just remember--
a buffet-style reception
Can save up to $
per invited guest.
Hey, I'm happy
for you too.
You and audrey
You're just
meant for each other.
So, miles, uh...
I don't know what to say really
I haven't known you that long.
I never met audrey...
But even though % of all
Marriages end in divorce
I'm sure you will make it
Through the boredom
and the claustrophobia.
Thanks, man.
I love you all.
He thinks he can
come in here
And take whatever
he wants.
Cranial lobe!
Points!
I'm going
For the record.
Geez, miles! Learn to knock.
I could have
punctured your lung.
Go ahead.
After the day I've had
It would actually be
a pick-me-up.
She left me.
Audrey... She left me!
You're kidding me.
What?
No. Actually, she left me
The day I went to new york.
I've been working so hard,
I didn't even notice.
I just thought
she was keeping
The bathroom
really neat.
Then I went into the bedroom
And there were no thick
black glasses on the nightstand
No little asthma inhaler, no audrey...
Just a note saying she had gone!
It hurts so much.
Help me.
(Sobbing)
Miles, I'm so sorry.
So sorry. I'm sorry.
Miles, I'm really sor...
Oh, I never know
what to say.
Frank, you've been
dumped.
You say something.
Hey, hey, buddy.
She probably just needed
a little time alone.
Women are like that.
She'll spend time
with friends.
They'll go to dinner.
And after she's thrown
a little scare into you
She'll come
running on back.
She's moved to england.
Oh.
I called her at her mother's
and begged her to come home.
She said it was too hard
Living with someone
so wrapped up in his work.
I said I'd change my priorities
But the third time
I put her on hold
We both knew
I couldn't change.
Sue me if I can't
ignore call waiting.
The most humiliating part is
I already told people
we were getting married--
My parents, my friends,
my old roommates.
I guess I should have
checked with audrey first.
Miles...
I want to help you.
I know I can't
take away the pain
But I know some highly-placed
officials in england.
I could have her declared
a typhoid risk.
Thanks...
But there's nothing
anyone can do.
I needed to say it
out loud once
To make myself believe
it really happened.
But please...
I'm not ready
for anyone else to know okay?
Whatever you say.
Don't worry about me.
(Whimpering)
I guess he's got an extra
ticket for the game now.
Frank!
The man's world is crumbling
And that's all
you can think about?
That's not all I think about!
I was just making
an observation.
Don't tell me the thought
never crossed your mind.
Of course it did.
They're sideline passes.
You'd have to be dead
not to think about them.
But I didn't like myself for it.
And the most
humiliating part is
I already told
my dentist, my doorman
The guy at the newsstand
in the lobby.
Oh, you poor thing.
Miles, ahem...
I'm sorry to hear
of your loss.
I offer my most
heartfelt condolences.
Isn't that what you said
When his pet turtle d*ed?
Expressing sympathy
is awkward for me.
That speech works
with most misfortune.
So, miles, as I said
I haven't known you
that long...
And... And I never met audrey.
So...
You've got to be sure
to change their water.
Turtles, that is.
That probably wouldn't
apply to audrey.
You men!
That isn't how you comfort
someone who's lost a love.
Miles...
You and audrey were
all wrong for each other.
She was probably just using you
to get her green card.
And she looked like the type
Who would just balloon up
right after the wedding.
Is any of this helping?
You want to hear some more?
She came on to me once.
Really?
No, frank!
You idiot.
Guys, guys, guys!
I appreciate your support.
Really.
But it's now time
to move on.
I should be getting
back to work.
Work...
My one true bride.
I almost forgot.
The sideline passes...
Haunting reminders
of a life
That was never
meant to be.
Anybody want them?
Miles...
No one can think about football
at a time like this
But if you really...
I'll take them.
Frank, I wasn't finished!
I was going
to be sensitive first
And then take the tickets.
Frank, we haven't spent
much time together
Outside of work...
Oh, please!
You are embarrassing yourself.
Frank, tell him how long
we have been friends.
Years.
That is right. Years.
Who do you think
he'll take to the game?
Tabitha soren.
What?
These aren't
"take a friend" tickets
They're "impress a date"
tickets.
This could be
my big chance with tabitha.
Couldn't you find
someone younger?
Maybe tabitha will
drive you to the game.
In her fisher-price
playmobile!
If it isn't captain sidelines.
Don't start with me.
I'm not in the mood.
Here's the copy
for my nasa story.
I can't find miles
And I have to fly
to florida for the weekend.
My parents' condo
fell into a sinkhole.
Wow, frank,
are your parents okay?
They're fine.
They were in church
when god decided to swallow up
The master bedroom, the lanai,
and half the cadillac.
I'm sorry to hear of your loss.
I offer my most heartfelt
condolences.
I just can't believe
all the bad luck
People at work are having.
People who have...
Had the football tickets.
I know you're
going to think
This sounds
like southern mumbo jumbo
But it's almost
as if those tickets were cursed.
The concept of a curse
is ludicrous
And I'll prove it.
Frank, do you have
Those tickets?
I'm going,
and nothing bad will happen to me.
Wait a minute. He just
gave you the tickets.
He didn't give you the tickets.
Frank, you didn't give him
the tickets. Tell him.
How can you think
about football?
The earth is shifting
beneath my parents.
You know they
don't like change.
They used to complain
en a new dance team
Was introduced
on lawrence welk.
I was thinking
about your parents
That's why I didn't ask
for the tickets right away.
Who said, "wow, frank,
are your parents okay?"
Whose mouth did
those words come out of?
I tried being sensitive,
and what has it gotten me?
Squat.
I have to catch a plane.
Of all the weekends
for their place to crumble.
It's like every time
fate gets nauseous
My life is the bucket.
I walk away
for two minutes
And jim has the tickets?
How did this happen?
Sinkhole.
The tickets are cursed.
So, jim, I've been thinking
You and I haven't had a chance
to spend time together
Outside
of the workplace.
Like that's going to work
on a man of jim's intelligence
And perception and keen sense
of judgment.
Put away your encyclopedias,
I'm not buying.
But since you two
are so desperate to go
I think I'll take...
Doris.
Yes, this ticket is going
to be wasted
On a woman who will spend
the whole game
Waiting in line to buy
one of those foam fingers.
Why am I doing it?
Because I can,
my yapping little colleagues.
Hey, there, jim,
I just got a message for you.
Oh, no. Don't let it be
His prostate.
Seems that john mclaughlin's
come up one short
For his weekly
mclaughlin group.
So he called the network
for a replacement
And the brass volunteered you.
What?!
Doesn't that show tape
on a sunday?
I believe it does.
There's more.
You're invited to mclaughlin's
house after the taping
To help him break in
his new hot tub.
Swim suits are optional.
There it is, the curse.
Gergen's pants, miles' breakup
with audrey, frank's sinkhole
And loin a hot tub
with john mclaughlin.
Am I the only one
who sees it?
Fine.
You all won't be happy
until someone loses an eye.
Another one of mclaughlin's parties.
He invites all the sunday shows
and those face the nation people
Have been passing around
the same foot fungus for years.
This time
I'm wearing my flip-flops
And I'm not taking them off.
Here, I hope these are cursed.
Well, this is an interesting development.
Kind of like
it's your tenth birthday
And your parents give you
half a pony.
Well, any thoughts
on what to do now?
This may sound crazy
But what would you think about
trying to do the mature thing?
You'd have to walk me through it.
It been a while since
I've done the mature thing.
It has something to do
With making the most
of the situation
Instead of trying
to outmaneuver each other
For the second
ticket.
What the hell,
let's give it a sh*t.
What the hell, let's give it a sh*t.
In fact, I'll even drive us to the game.
Great.
It will give us a chance
To get to know
each other better.
Did you know that
I'm a recovering alcoholic?
I can tell you all about it
on the way to the game...
During the game,
on the way home from the game.
And did you know that I've
dabbled in dianetics?
I'll bring along the book.
I think you'll find page
especially helpful.
The sideline's yards.
With any luck,
we'll never see each other.
I'm counting on it.
I'd already told
my mechanic
My paper boy
The guy who reads
the meter.
I've got work to do.
Would you please
let me go?
Miles!
Great news, miles.
I just spoke
with abdel-shafi
The chief palestinian
representative.
And he's promised me
full access
To the plans
for self-rule in gaza.
I just spoke
to prime minister rabin
In hebrew.
He gave me
an exclusive interview.
So my contacts are
better than yours.
I'll match my rolodex
against yours any day.
Miles will decide
whose is better.
Home numbers
should count twice.
Spot-check his
To make sure
it's up to date.
Stop it!
Can't you people see
I'm in pain here?
What do I have to do
To get some sympathy
around here?
Cut a vein?
Spurt blood?
Or as I lie in a sticky pool
Would you be screaming at me
to make a decision
With my last dying gurgle?
I think you would.
Miles, you're right.
I've been completely
insensitive
To a coworker
and a friend.
You know how I get
when I'm onto a story.
It's like
I'm wearing blinders
But that doesn't excuse
the way I acted.
I don't know
how I can make it up to you
But I do know one thing.
I can't keep
this football ticket.
It's connected to your pain
And I don't want
any part of it.
Murphy's right.
What you just said
really struck a nerve.
I know the pain
of losing someone you love
Because you can't be there
for them.
And I also know I can't profit
from your pain either.
Here.
I... I am touched.
I really am.
To see two gestures
as beautiful as...
To see two gestures
it makes my decision
As to who gets the mideast
story that much harder.
But I do have to
make a decision.
So here it goes.
You're going to the mideast
together.
What?
With him?
You both have different angles.
You're both equally qualified.
And you're both
unbelievably transparent.
All right, look.
I don't share stories, okay?
Neither do i.
Well, wake up
And smell the falafel.
You're sharing
this one!
And you've got
a -hour plane trip
So thank you.
This is the first
moment in days
I've actually managed
to forget about audrey.
Oh, god!
This is all your fault.
It was my idea
to throw down the ticket first.
If you hadn't followed
With that hollow,
copycat gesture
We wouldn't be in this mess.
And your gesture
was so sincere.
I kept waiting for you
to mention your dog, checkers.
You know what you are?
You...
No. I'm going to save it
For that long wait
going through israeli customs.
I'm bringing my walkman.
Where's my ticket?
Your ticket?
I just heard you give
a very touching speech
About how you didn't want
the ticket.
Sorry.
I thought you said
those tickets were cursed.
Ha! That's before I had them.
Now I want
to find out
What all the fuss
is about.
Way to go, corky.
She comes through
In a pinch.
I know I'll have to explain
a little of the game to you
But we'll have a great time.
Where's my ticket?
Your ticket?
I just heard you give
a very touching speech
About how you
didn't want the ticket.
Sorry.
What?
Look for me on tv.
I'll be the one standing
Where you two
would have been.
You'll pay for
this, sherwood!
Those tickets are cursed.
You'll wake up tomorrow
and have aged years!
You'll be a prune!
A perky little prune!