01x04 - Is This Not Real Magic?

[bunniefuu]

JENNIFER: Previously on She-Hulk...

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury...

(CRASHING)

(GRUNTS)

Who the hell is that?

Who forced you to escape this insanely
high-security prison undetected?

A Sorcerer Supreme of the
Mystic Arts, and his name is...

Wong. Just Wong.

He's either a sorcerer
who lives in New York,

or a librarian who lives in Nepal.

Jen, there is the nicest young man who

works at the coffee shop that I go to.

- His name is Yusuf.
- Do not set me up, Mom.

No. No. He's much too young for you.

JENNIFER: I'm not gonna be a superhero.

Jen, when you have powers like this,

it's like putting a target on your back.

If you're gonna strut around
showing off your powers,

you better be able to back it up.

- (SCREAMING)
- (THUDS)

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

(CHANTING "OM")

The ancient art of levitation.

(EXCLAIMS)

Are you not amazed? Summoning fire.

Fire. Behold flame.

(EXCLAIMS)

For my next illusion,
the great Donny Blaze

- needs assistance from a volunteer.
- Ooh!

- Oh!
- Miss, if you may. Round of applause.

(ALL APPLAUDING)

And what is your name, young lady?

Madisynn, with two N's, one Y,
but it's not where you think.

Well, as the great
Billy Shakes once said,

"A rose by any other name
would smell as sweet."

Ah!

Donny Blaze!

(AUDIENCE MURMURS QUIETLY)

Do the thing. Do the
thing. Do it, do it, do it.

How about I try something
with a little more heat?

(EXHALES SHARPLY)

(WHISPERING) Come on.
Please, please, please.

Come on. Please.

Come on.

(CROWD GASPING)

(ALL APPLAUDING)

Donny Blaze!

(LAUGHS)

FYI, these don't smell like anything.

Ew!

(THEME SONG PLAYING FROM TV)

(GROANS)

- (SCREAMS)
- (THUDS)

Oh.

Where am I? What happened
to all the goblins?

Who are you? Are you the goblin king?

No, I'm not. Where did you come from?

I grew up in Fort Lauderdale,

but now my dad lives in
Phoenix with his new family,

so I go there sometimes.

- He married this woman...
- Did a cut-rate magician send you?

Um, not exactly.

He sent me to a diff dimensh and
a talking goat helped me escape

a lava pit in exchange
for six drops of my blood.

Oop. Then I kinda like
browned out and now I'm here.

Okay. Okay. Yeah. Okay, no,
no, no. I'm gonna send you home.

- What's your address?
- I don't even remember.

(GASPS)

Wait. This is the one
where they k*ll Adriana.

It was so sad.

- You just ruined it.
- I cried for three days.

Donny Blaze is going to pay for this.

Mmm. You look happy. I guess
you saw that Wong is back.

God, everybody loves Wong.

It's like giving the show
Twitter armor for a week.

- Good morning, sweetheart.
- Dad, what are you doing here?

Well, after that scare you had,
I am here to beef up security.

I've got new locks, cameras, an
alarm system and pepper spray.

- What's the shovel for?
- Digging holes.

- Let's just leave it at that.
- I don't need you to do any of this.

My daughter gets att*cked by four men,

and I'm supposed to do nothing?

Your daughter's a
Hulk. I'm gonna be fine.

- What did the police say?
- Oh, they said, um, police stuff.

You didn't call them?
Are you serious, Jen?

I was a prosecutor long enough to know

that they're not gonna catch these guys.

- Well, what if they come back?
- I will kick their ass again.

And you can use the shovel.

(CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)

(CLICKING)

(BELL DINGING)

Perfect.

NIKKI: Hey, hey. They're
airing your interview again.

I think you should watch this time.

JENNIFER ON TV: My client's
name is Emil Blonsky.

Okay. We have got to
get you some new clothes.

There's a very limited selection
of clothing that fits my body.

Clearly.

How did you come up
with the name She-Hulk?

- You ding-dongs dubbed me that.
- JENNIFER: Funny story, I didn't.

Ms. Walters, I have a legal
situation of the greatest importance.

Okay. Good luck with that, Jen.

Nice to see you again,
Wong. How can I help you?

I'm having an issue with a "magician."

Notice how I used the
word "magician" in quotes.

- I did, yes.
- It's because he's not an actual magician.

This charlatan goes by
the name of Donny Blaze.

He's a former student of the Mystic Arts

but he was kicked out after a
week when he summoned three kegs

and his former fraternity
brother Ky-Dog to Kamar-Taj.

He's now performing cheap human tricks

here in Los Angeles
at the "Mystic Castle."

- Notice how I...
- Not mystic. Not a castle. Got it.

Recently, Donny has been using
our sacred teachings in his shows,

sending volunteers into
other realms for casual fun.

But he barely has a grasp of the
basics of inter-dimensional portaling.

Practicing the Mystic Arts without

proper training not
only endangers people,

it risks untangling the
material and astral planes.

- Completely.
- I need to make an example of Donny Blaze.

Set a precedent that
no unlicensed persons

ever attempt to practice
the Mystic Arts again.

This might be pretty straightforward.

Did Mr. Blaze sign an
NDA or a non-compete?

No.

Was there a contract
when he began training?

Students pledge themselves to be
loyal servants of the Mystic Arts.

- And did you get that in writing?
- No.

Ms. Walters, we answer to a higher power

that abides by the metaphysical
laws of the time-space continuum.

Sure. But this is the
American legal system.

No judge is gonna take this seriously
unless we do things by the book.

- Oh, The Book of Vishanti.
- No, the book of American laws.

(GROANS)

Do you want to leave your
information with me this time?

- Oh! Okay, that's very good.
- Cheap human tricks.

- Okay, done with Wong's cease and desist.
- Okay. Great.

Now your dating profile.

Onto the last bit of
the Blonsky parole brief.

Whoo-whoo!

- Did you just "whoo-whoo" a parole brief?
- Mmm-hmm.

I hated it as soon as
it came out of my mouth.

- Okay.
- Yeah.

Excuse me, ladies. I hate to see
two stunning women sitting all alone.

Okay, well, there's two of us.
So by definition, not alone.

Can I buy you sexy
ladies a round of drinks?

Okay, sir, we're clearly
in the middle of work here.

When you change your
mind, I'll be at the bar.

See, that guy is
exactly why I don't date.

Oh, my God. You don't have
to date that guy. Jesus.

There are plenty of non-gross
people out there for you to date.

- Show me your Matcher profile.
- No.

(GASPS) Jennifer. Again. Baby steps.

- There we go.
- All right.

- Quite nice, actually.
- Oh, my God.

We're not using your corporate
headshot as your profile photo.

What's your first
date gonna be? Webinar?

- This is why I didn't want to show you.
- Okay, there's no judgment.

But that was a really bad choice.

- Oh, okay.
- Oh, my God. Are you swiping?

Yes, of course. Come on. It's
a numbers game, all right?

After swipes, you'll get
about a third of those as matches.

And that's when the
real filtering happens.

- Oof. Hetero life is grim.
- Nikki, you're not helping.

Yes, I am. Come on. This is
good. What if you made a profile,

hear me out, as She-Hulk?

- I thought you hated the name She-Hulk.
- I do.

I don't know. I can't stop
saying it. It's really catchy.

No. If I'm gonna date,
it's gonna be as Jen.

- All right.
- Regular old Jen.

I already have to be
She-Hulk in the office.

- She-Hulk.
- (SIGHS) She-Hulk.

- (PHONE CHIMES)
- Ah. See? A match.

I do not have to be
She-Hulk to get a date.

- (CHUCKLES)
- Now give me back my phone.

You're k*lling me.

So, consider this an official warning to

cease all practices of the Mystic Arts.

- Absurd. You can't own magic.
- Yeah, you can't own magic.

And you can't trademark a spirit,
register a soul, copyright art.

You can copyright art. Yes.

- This is a farce.
- This is a farce.

Are you just hype-manning him?

- Maybe.
- What's the matter, Wong?

Are you scared I'll become
more mystical than you? (BLOWS)

The Sorcerer Supreme doesn't
engage in competition,

but I am more mystical in my sleep.

- Prove it.
- Yeah, prove it.

No. No one is proving anything.

- Here is a cease and desist.
- Cease and desist?

What cease and desist?

- (SIGHS)
- Fantastic.

- Yeah, it's sticking out of your shirt.
- No, it isn't.

All right. We will see
you gentlemen in court.

- (PHONE CHIMES)
- Oh, sh*t.

- DONNY: Ooh, someone's on Matcher.
- JENNIFER: Ooh.

- What's Matcher?
- Hey, swipe right for a hot date.

(SCOFFS)

Ew!

Got your ball.

"No, Officer. That stroller hit me."

And that's how I got a lifetime
ban from Winnipeg, Canada.

Anyway, I hate LA.
Everyone here is so phony.

See, I'm a New Yorker,
through and through.

- Oh, how long did you live there?
- Fourteen months.

But I decided I couldn't just be a

yes-man to some stiff boss, you know?

- Mmm-hmm.
- That's why I'm an entrepreneur.

- Hmm. In what field?
- TBD.

- (CLEARS THROAT) So what do you do?
- Uh, I'm a lawyer.

I just started at a firm downtown,
GLK and H. Have you heard of it?

Yeah, I know downtown.

I'm running a superhuman law division.

(PHONE CHIMES)

- 'Cause I have superpowers.
- Okay.

- I'm a Hulk.
- Mmm-hmm.

I can lift a full-size
sedan with one hand.

Okay.

- This has been so great.
- Yeah, it really has.

(INTENSE MUSIC PLAYING)

All right, thank you
so much for the drinks.

Yeah. For sure.

- Hey, we should do this again.
- There's an idea.

- (PHONE CHIMES)
- This is Alan. She's, like a six, maybe.

Oh, my God.

Your Honor, we have filed a complaint

and a motion for preliminary injunction

against the defendant citing unfair
competition and gross negligence.

JUDGE HANNA: I must say,
Counselor, I am hard-pressed

to believe that a magic trick
could constitute gross negligence.

Do you have any witnesses who
can corroborate your claim?

- No, no, no, no.
- Do you want to win this or not?

(SIGHS)

Wong? Yes, we do, Your Honor.

I'm gonna show you my high
school dance routine right now.

(EXCLAIMING)

Wongers!

(GIGGLING)

Hi.

Oh, did you get a ticket for texting?

Just say you were texting
. They can't prosecute.

That isn't what this
is and that's not true.

I wanna ask you a few questions,
so if you come this way...

- MADISYNN: I'd love that.
- Yeah.

- Have a seat over there.
- Okay. This is fun.

Guanyin, please give us extra mercy.

You can't bring that drink in here.

You can finish it if
you want. I'm not sick.

I promise to tell the truth.

- No, seriously.
- Could you state your name for the record?

Madisynn King. Madisynn is with two N's,

one Y, but it's not where you think.

- Could you just spell it for us?
- Absolutely, I will. For sure.

M-A-D-I-S-Y-N-N.

Could you tell us about the night you

participated in Donny Blaze's show?

Oh, sure. So, first he gave me roses
that didn't smell like anything.

And then he pushed me into a fire land.

JENNIFER: That must
have been terrifying.

How did you escape?

I made a pact with a demon
that I cannot discuss.

Otherwise he said he would "reap my
soul and the souls of all I love,"

which, honestly, is so
dramatic. And I hate drama.

- Okay, this was a mistake.
- It was your idea.

The demon, I think his name is Jake.

- I know Jake. Yeah.
- You do?

Opened a portal that dropped
me off at Wongers' house,

and that's how we became besties.

And how would you describe your
emotional state during this saga?

Great question.

At first it was fun. Then
scary, then fun again.

Then spooky but in a fun way.

Yeah, that's... Thank you.
Madisynn, you can sit down.

- Welcome.
- Yeah.

- Your Honor, I move to dismiss.
- JENNIFER: Let's go.

As you can see, Donny's performance
is a fun and spooky experience,

which is the sweet spot for
magic, in my professional opinion.

The bottom line, you
cannot copyright magic.

- No.
- There is precedent.

JENNIFER: The precedent
that you are referring to

is for card tricks and
disappearing women who never speak.

This is very different because the
Mystic Arts is, in fact, real magic.

- How dare you?
- (SCOFFS) Real magic?

Is this not real magic, Your Elegancy?

- Black.
- CORNELIUS: Ooh.

- Can you believe your eyes?
- (COUGHS)

CORNELIUS: Wow.

It changed color.

(EXCLAIMING SOFTLY)

- More real magic?
- Oh, my God. Even the lawyer's a magician.

- (BANGS GAVEL)
- That is enough.

- If I may say a few words, Your Highness?
- Uh...

(CLAPS)

This case travels beyond
these courtroom walls.

The men you see are seeking
to wield the power of gods.

And that places us on
the edge of a precipice.

One man in the mortal realm has the
ability to cause a ripple so great,

it reverberates through every dimension.

And that ripple through galaxies
has the ability to destroy all life

within the known and unknown universe.

Case closed!

Okay. No. This case is far from closed.

I'll need to review the motion,

and you'll have my
decision in a few weeks.

Your Honor, in the interim, could you

grant us the preliminary injunction

to stop the defendant from
engaging in this dangerous behavior?

This is my life. My art. Mi pasion. Magic!

Stop throwing smoke bombs.

How did he get these
through security, anyway?

Aw.

I have to agree with Mr. Blaze.

He may continue to practice his
livelihood pending my decision.

- (BANGS GAVEL)
- Court is adjourned.

Fantastico!

- (LAUGHING)
- Whoo!

- Real magic prevails.
- CORNELIUS: Yes. Yes.

You know, I also have a bird.

(LAUGHING)

(ALL APPLAUDING)

Can we send Donny to the Mirror
Dimension? He probably won't even die.

I would love that, but
that will ruin our case.

- Wongers, can we get froyo?
- No.

- We can talk about The Sopranos.
- Fine. No more spoilers.

Whatever. I was over it after
Tony k*lled Christopher, anyway.

Madisynn.

What? I mean, he was like
a son to him. It was so sad.

(SIGHS WEARILY)

Nikki, I'm just finishing this brief.

Do you think you can
proof it for me tomorrow?

NIKKI: You are aware that
tomorrow is Saturday, right?

Yeah. I am totally aware
that tomorrow is Saturday.

- Uh-huh.
- Which makes tonight Friday.

Another thing I knew.

You aren't in your
pajamas already, are you?

No, I'm not already in my pajamas.

I have a big night, lots of plans due

to successful swiping. Gotta go. Bye.

(PHONE CHIMES)

Oh, why is that an alert?

(SIGHS)

(POP MUSIC PLAYING)

I'm not proud of this.

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING)

Sweet.

(PHONE CHIMES CONTINUOUSLY)

(CHUCKLES)

Well, that is demoralizing for Jen.

- You look stunning.
- Thank you. You look very nice too.

- Hey. Can I ask you a personal question?
- Of course.

- How much can you deadlift?
- A literal ton?

- Hmm.
- (CHUCKLES)

Well, I just did .
I'm not even a superhero.

- Hey! Can somebody take our order?
- Okay.

My movie just premiered at Sundance.
It was actually about a lawyer.

His expertise is constitutional law,

and that is how he became the
attorney to the vice-president.

I have to admit I was
a fan before we matched.

I mean, your battle with Titania
in court, it was incredible.

Uh, people love using
that word around me.

- Oh, because... Yeah.
- Yeah.

- Because of my cousin. Yeah.
- Yeah.

- So is it true? Are you indestructible?
- Oh, I don't know.

I haven't really tested it out. I'm
not looking to get myself k*lled.

Yeah. Yeah. Well,
what about super-speed?

Night vision? Impenetrable skin?

Yeah. My skin is impenetrable,
at least with anything on Earth.

Even vibranium?

Why? Do you have some on
you? You want to test it out?

(LAUGHS) No, no, no. I wish.
God, you're just so powerful.

- What a specimen.
- Did you just call me a specimen?

As a compliment.

Is there anything worse
than dating in your s?

- So what's your story, buddy?
- I'm in medicine.

Oh, what's that, like,
code for selling Adderall?

(LAUGHS)

I'm a pediatric oncologist.

Oh.

Can I be honest with you?

I've been on so many first dates,
and I hate talking about myself.

Tell me about you.

Oh.

Also, should we split some fries?

Yeah. Let's get those to go.

- (DONNY LAUGHING)
- (CROWD CLAPPING)

Now, I want you to close your
eyes. Concentrate very hard.

- Oh.
- Imagine you're in a faraway land.

(EXHALES SHARPLY)

(CROWD GASPING)

Oh. Um, uh-uh.

You did the same trick
in a show last week,

and my friend Kaylah ended up
stranded in a parking garage in Pomona.

Come on. Just close your eyes.

Um, no. I'm not gonna get
into your weird fire hole.

(CROWD LAUGHS)

WOMAN: Lame.

- MAN: Lame.
- Fine. No fire hole.

How about we try something
a little different? Yeah.

- (CROWD GASPS)
- (ALL APPLAUDING)

DONNY: Ah-ha!

(DONNY EXCLAIMS)

- Nailed it.
- Amazing.

(CHIRPING)

Aw.

- (GROWLS)
- (SHRIEKS)

(ALL GASP)

Okay. It's okay. Donny
Blaze will handle this.

Ta-da! Hey! All part of the show.

(APPLAUDING)

Yes.

Oh, God.

- (GROWLS)
- (SCREAMS)

Oh, God. No!

(CROWD CLAMORING)

DONNY: It's okay.
Don't worry. Come back!

The show was just getting started!

It's like he can see things
before they happen, you know?

I mean, he can see you three.

Wong! My main man.

- Donny Blaze, what did you do?
- Fun story. I'm not exactly sure.

(DONNY WHIMPERS)

Hey, I could really use your help.

Just for the record, I'm doing
this for the universe, not for you.

- Great. Perfect. What should I do?
- Call my lawyer.

Right in the middle of the lobby,

in front of everyone, I had to transform.

- (PHONE VIBRATING)
- It was so embarrassing.

Wow, I, uh, I can totally see how
your boss springing that on you

- on the first day would make you spiral.
- Hmm.

Tell me more about how you felt.

(PHONE VIBRATING)

Oh! Let me just...

All right. (CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

You know, I gotta say, this is
the best date I've had in a while.

- I mean, swipe-dating is so dehumanizing.
- Yes.

Everyone treats you like some
soulless avatar on their phone.

(PHONE VIBRATING)

- Do you need to get that?
- It can wait.

- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God. sh**t.

Oh, uh, sh**t. I got
it on your couch too.

- Just one second, okay?
- Yeah.

A little club soda and salt.

- Smart!
- Where did my shirt go?

(MUMBLES) I don't know.

Ms. Walters, why aren't you
answering your mobile phone?

- Never mind. I see.
- Uh... Wong, what is it?

Donny Blaze opened the wrong
portal. I need your help.

- It's of the greatest urgency.
- Uh, I'll be right back.

Come on. I feel like your dad.

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

Oh! Actual demons? Wong!

WONG: I've been fending them
off. I have to repair the portal.

I'm not sure exactly what
I'm supposed to be doing here.

Be a Hulk.

(GRUNTS)

They don't die?

(WONG GRUNTS)

You know, these are
technically billable hours.

WONG: Demons, Ms. Walters.

Send them all through here.

I'm sorry, Cornelius. I
don't know what went wrong.

Wong.

Yes.

(GRUNTS)

Oh, wow. Look at that.

(YELLS)

After so many bad dates, I finally
meet a guy who's sweet and listens.

Focus, Ms. Walters!

And he's very, very hot. Not
that that matters. But it does.

(GROWLS)

And instead of kissing his very
hot face right now... Oh, God.

They're growing, and now
I'm covered in demon goo,

at a magic show, which is the
worst part of this whole thing.

(GRUNTS)

(BOTH GASP)

- Hello, fellas.
- Good evening, my lady.

Before I send my little friend
here back to his own dimension,

would you agree to the terms
of our cease and desist?

- Maybe.
- Absolutely.

- Fine. Okay, we agree.
- My office will be in touch.

Uh, you got a little something
right there. Right there.

- Okay.
- To the... Yeah, right there.

- Oh, that's just demon claw.
- Cool.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

Cool.

(JENNIFER CHUCKLES)

Whoa!

(POP MUSIC PLAYING)

(PHONE CHIMES)

REPORTER ON TV: Supporters
of the Free Titania movement

are celebrating today

as the super-powered influencer
has been cleared of all charges...

- Boo.
- ...relating to an earlier incident

at the Metropolitan Courthouse.

- Um, who are you?
- Um, Jen.

Just not in Hulk form.
Just Jen. (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

Oh. Um...

- Cool. Cool.
- Yeah.

That's cool. Unexpected.

- I made breakfast.
- Yeah, I'm gonna go.

And, uh, don't worry about the sweater.

(SIGHS IN EXASPERATION)

Whatever. Hot doctor's a cliche, anyway.

(RHYTHMIC KNOCKING AT DOOR)

Yeah, that was super... Oh.

I got a special delivery
for one Jennifer Walters.

I recognize a process
server when I see one.

Ha! Right.

I've got court documents
filed by Titania Worldwide LLC.

Titania? If she's coming after me

because of our fight, she's delusional.

No. She's suing you for
misuse of a trademark.

Misuse of a trademark? What trademark?

She's suing me over the name
"She-Hulk"? But that's my name.

Not if she trademarked it first.

- Oh, is that how it works, Your Honor?
- Yeah.

- Get outta here.
- All right. Sorry. Thank you.

(BLOWS RASPBERRY)

Kind of a bummer way to end this
episode. I bet there's a fun tag.

No, I talk, you listen. I don't...

MADISYNN: Wongers, have you
ever had a tequila sunrise?

- I think so.
- Long Island iced tea?

Yeah.

- Blue curacao?
- No. What's blue curacao?

- I don't know. It's blue.
- Ah.

- Manhattan?
- Yeah. Manhattan, I have.

- Sloe gin fizz?
- No.

Just vodka straight?

- No, I've had...
- Goldschlagers?

Vodka and yak milk. Never again.

Do you have any of that here?

Uh, actually, we still have
some left from the wedding, yeah.

- I would love to try some yak milk.
- Yeah.

- What's your favorite drink?
- Well, gin and tonic.

(GASPS) Wongers!

- (EXCLAIMS)
- (CHUCKLES) Okay.

I don't know if they do bottomless
gin and tonic but we will find it.

- Okay.
- Oh, my God. Yum.