04x06 - The Great 5K Star Race and Boulder Wrap Party: Part 2

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "CHiPs". Aired: September 15, 1977 - May 1, 1983.*
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Series follows the lives of two motorcycle officers of the California Highway Patrol.
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04x06 - The Great 5K Star Race and Boulder Wrap Party: Part 2

Post by bunniefuu »

[SIGHS]

Oh. Heh.

You watch the road.

What was that?

[TIRES SQUEALING]

Look, he was racing out of his
class. You belong in midgets.

There's a history of
Dane's behavioral problems.

In a past year he's tried
to sail to Catalina on a raft.

Coast Guard found
him after two days.

Just beach traffic, Mom.

On hard days like this, the
highway is always jammed.

I wonder if the judge had any idea of the
traffic when he approved this custody plan.

Mom... It's a
valid point, honey.

It's dangerous driving back
and forth through this traffic.

The beach isn't a safe place
for you. Riptides, body builders.

GETRAER: It's CHP
charity time again.

Keep in mind what
we're looking for here.

It's got to be timely, something that
everyone would enjoy and would pay to see.

How about a bike-a-thon?

Now, that's a good idea.

Ponch, you remember last
year? Celebrity, stars, all sorts...

Stars!

With some celebrity officials and
star contestants, we can't miss.

It's the CHP Charity
SK Star Race!

[TIRES SQUEALING]

Rocks on the coast highway?
That's an everyday occurrence.

- Who's the complainant?
- Well, all we got is an address.

- Want to check it out?
- Yeah, why not?

Rocks from up there.

Gone now, and you
know where they went?

Pfft. Right past here.

We'll check it out, sir.

Do that, will you?
Thank you very much.

- Oh, Mr. Berle.
- Yeah.

- This charity event I'm working on...
- You want me to appear on it.

- Would you?
- You got me kid. I'm yours.

[WOMAN SHRIEKING]

MAN: Hey! Watch out!

Hey. Hey!

Come over here...

[POLICE SIREN WAILING]

[TIRES SQUEAL]

[TIRES SQUEALING]

L.A. 15, 7 Mary 3.

- All units in the Malibu area.
- Rock slide!

We got a landslide at the Pacific
Coast Highway. Request paramedics.

DISPATCHER: L.A.
15, Mary 3. Advise...

- You okay?
- On the landslide at.

Get away from the
landslide. Get back.

Head down. Head down
the highway. Let's go.

- Come on, folks. Down the highway.
- Get back off the highway. Get back!

You're all right? Take
her down the highway.

Get off the highway.

-Here we go. BAKER:
All right. You got him?

- You all right?
- Okay.

- Hey, somebody take him over there.
- Get back!

You know who this
house belongs to?

A television producer. One
of the biggest in Hollywood.

I've seen his name on
the credits. He's good.

Not great but good.

Kelly, look at this.

[CHUCKLING]

This note's to his housekeeper.

The guy is in Europe
sh**ting a picture.

If we play it right, we could
stay here until the road's clear.

[DISPATCHER SPEAKING
INDISTINCTLY OVER RADIO]

We're closing the highway to
vehicles along the slide area.

Malibu CHP is covering the
north end, we'll cover this end.

Now, we'll work out a schedule to
cover the crowd control and security.

Residents’ll be leaving the
area till the slide's cleared up.

How long it will take?

Clearance? A few days.

Not sure about that boulder.

Now, we'll put you
in soft uniforms...

walking shoes
and light-duty gear.

Like beach control?

Yeah. And ten-speeds too.

Ten-speeds as in bicycles?

The roads will be jammed due to
clearance crews and equipment.

It's either that or a foot b*at.

You can hack that,
can't you? Hmm?

I can hack it.

Highway of the stars.

My celebrity connection closed.

Sold all those tickets, you
got posters all over town.

Hey, look. See, people are either
gonna walk in to the beach or bike in.

How're the legs holding up?

Yeah.

We have some security problems.

One of the evacuated
homes was hit last night.

They took sterling
silver. And a lot of it.

And we're allowing pedestrian
traffic through the closed area.

Some of the residents are forming
carpools, parking at one end.

- Walking through to the other.
- Get a report on that sidecar team?

Mm-mm. They just seem
to have disappeared.

How about the boulder?

They tried to loosen it
with pressurized water.

They're gonna use a
helicopter and a cable.

Engineer will tell
you when it's all clear.

I'm gonna be at the other end
coordinating with Malibu CHP.

Oh, uh, Frank.

Does this affect the
charity race at all?

Uh-uh.

Good.

Hey, looking good, sarge.

Sterling silver and a lot of it.

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

Kelly.

Oh, why not join us?

Listen to me.

This isn't a halfway
house for beach bunnies.

The idea is to lay low.

That would look suspicious.

Tub parties are de rigueur.

Oh, uh, the burglar alarm people
were here while you were asleep.

I told them we were producers
leasing the house. They believed me.

Sure. The problem is that
you're starting to believe it!

- You're shouting.
- I'm not shouting!

You just picked a bad
time for an identity crisis.

Your space is really cluttered.
Slip on a suit, join us in the tub.

Huh?

WOMAN 1: All right.
- My bureau, top drawer.

It's about time.

WOMAN 2: This looks pretty.

[GROANS]

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

Hey, Jon, things are looking up.

I think that's Linda Ronstadt.

Hi. I'm working on this...

Wasn't that Robert Redford?

Okay. That helicopter's about
ready to go. Better hold the traffic.

All right. You really think that
helicopter can move that boulder?

The geologists have
a saying, time will tell.

Okay, ladies and gentlemen.
There's gonna be a delay...

before we let
traffic go through.

Just a safety precaution.
Hang in there, all right?

- What's wrong?
- Safety precaution...

while the crew
works on that boulder.

I'm picking up my
daughter. She's coming.

Oh, it's safe. They won't start
working until the highway is cleared.

Wonderful. Just terrific.

Listen, uh, this is bad timing,
but I'm a big fan of yours.

Yeah, the feeling's mutual.

I'm sorry. You guys have a tough job.
If there's anything I can do to help...

Well, actually, there's
this charity that...

Ha-ha-ha.

All right. If I'm free,
you can count me in.

- You ride a bike?
- No. Football knee.

[HELICOPTER WHIRRING]

Here's the chopper now.

-Okay, guys, come on in.
MAN: Dave, we're over you now.

We're gonna come on in.

Okay. Great. All right,
I see you coming in.

Yeah, it looks like
you're right on line.

How do we look?

You're right on line.

All right, swing around. You're
lining up with it beautifully.

How are we lined up, Dave?

Come on. Right, you're good.

What's wrong with
your radio up there?

Something's wrong with our
radio up here, Dave. Speak up.

Okay. Get that net down there.

We're gonna get
the net down now.

-Hi. WOMAN: Hi.

- You know, you're my favorite singer.
- Am I?

Well, you're adorable.

Um...

I'm doing a charity. I'm with the
CHP. We're doing a charity event.

Yes, I know.

Why don't you check with my
manager? And if I'm not booked, I'll do it.

That would be great.
Can I have her number?

Eight-two-five...

- You ride a bike?
- Well, I tried it once when I was 10.

I still have the scar, but it only
shows on special occasions.

- Thank you.
- Heh. You're welcome.

Yeah, looking
good. Looking good.

Okay. Get her out.

Get her out there. Okay, get her on the
back. Looking good. Looking good, yeah.

See you guys later.

You live around here?

Here. And Beverly Hills.

Depending.

Parental conflict.

Major cause of
juvenile delinquency.

Big cause of
parental delinquency.

- I'm Dane.
- Cheryl.

Okay, hoist it up.

Pull her on up. Let's go.

-Looking good. Looking good,
yeah. MAN: How does it look, Dave?

- How does it feel?
- Dave, how does it look?

Come on. How does it feel?

How's your tension?

Hey, Dave?

All right. You have
maximum lift up there.

Dave, we're on maximum power.

Everything's red-lined up
here. The boulder's not moving.

No budge, huh?

Say that again.

- Can't budge it, huh?
- I don't know, but that thing won't budge.

Okay, guys,
unhook it. Unhook it.

Listen. We'll get that baby out
of there. We've got another plan.

I hope you have another plan
to get that baby out of there.

Okay, ladies and gentlemen,
looks like washout...

80 we're gonna let everyone
pass. Just take it easy.

- Just pass on through, okay?
- Thanks.

You bet. Go ahead.
Keep them moving.

Daddy.

[GRUNTS THEN SMOOCHES]

Oh, sure, I remember you.

[CHERYL LAUGHS]

My lawyer's working
on an appeal, Steve.

- This won't be going on for very long.
- Yeah.

My lawyer told me.

Just have Cheryl at the other end
tomorrow, huh? And don't be late.

Late? Me, late? You've
gone through life an hour late.

Make that an hour and a half.

- See you tomorrow, honey.
- Okay, bye.

BAKER: Good talking to you.
- Take care.

All right, see you later.

Who's your friend?

Name's Cheryl.

She's got, you know,
kind of a problem.

Isn't the seat a little high?

It's adjustable.

You doing the
snacks for the race?

A depressing tray of
white bread sandwiches...

and, uh, a dip with
boxed crackers.

Why don't go for it, Grossie.
Figure on serving indoors.

Indoors? No beach?

No, that's final.

[GROSSMAN GRUNTS]

I'll take you back.

Listen, take us to the
Malibu Sports Arena.

Wherever.

- Hey, anything on that burglary?
- Not a thing, Bar.

What makes you think you
can get the Sports Club?

You gotta believe.

[MEN YELLING AND g*nf*re ON TV]

Turn that thing down.

Hmm?

- You're going out?
- Why do you think I'm dressed like this?

That's very good.

I go out every night trying
to build a future for us.

Excuse me.

[PLAYER REWINDING]

What are you doing?

I think I can doctor
this pilot that didn't sell...

because of the theme,
unsympathetic to Native Americans.

Unsympathetic to Native Ame...

Theme? Wanna talk
to me about themes?

American Indians?

Didn't sell? The
theme didn't sell?

What's wrong with you?

Themes? Themes?
Themes? On Native what?

What do you know
about television?

You're believing your own act.

You're not a producer. You're
an ex-cycle racer like me...

looking for a break.

Here's what we gotta do. I get
the sidecar loaded with silver.

We're gonna melt it and sell it.
No numbers like the gold. Smart?

The road's almost clear.

I hit another house tonight
and then we get out, okay, Kelly?

Ansgar.

The white socks, they're
wrong with the outfit.

I'm sorry.

[DOOR OPENS THEN CLOSES]

Ah, that's great. And plan on
staying for the wrap party. Okay, bye.

Hey.

[KEYPAD CLICKING]

Hi, Leif? Frank Poncherello.

Listen, I got you down
as captain of the A team.

How does that grab you?

Terrific. Don't forget about
the wrap party, okay? Bye.

[GROSSMAN WHISTLES
AND HARLAN CHUCKLES]

Beautiful.

Hey, you got a body count?

- We're a sellout.
- Hey, great.

You can figure on a
couple of hundred people.

Flag football, the
water dunk, pushball.

Gonna be a busy
afternoon, partner.

Oh, listen. I need some girls
who can punt, pass and block.

- Any ideas?
- How many girls?

I need six to fill out
the flag-football teams.

Well, what about the
bike racers? Use them.

- What bike racers?
- I quote...

the Great 5K Star Race
and the Boulder Wrap Party?

Well, the stars are gonna go
with the events I worked out.

BAKER: Ah.

In other words, you didn't
have any takers on the bike race.

You got it. Not even
when it was outdoors.

- False advertising if I've ever seen it.
- Hey, not to fear, partner.

I know it sounds more like
the Pro-Am Star Olympics...

or the Network Star Games.
But there are contests and stars.

And believe me, everybody
there's gonna run more than 5Ks.

- I see.
- Hey, we're talking entertainment, Jon.

They'll play. Trust me.

HARLAN: Ladies and gentlemen...

welcome to the annual
CHP Charity Celebrity Party.

There's lots of food, lots
of drinks and great fun here.

Enjoy yourselves
and have a good time.

Come on, folks, have some
lunch and meet the stars.

George Peppard
having a great time.

Earl Holliman, Joyce
Bulifant, Elinor Donahue.

Rose Marie and Jackie Joseph,
Marcia Wallace, Lee Meriwether...

all having a great time.
Even Boomer's here.

Jo Ann Pflug, Chuck Woolery,
Lee Meriwether, David Groh.

There's Gil Gerard, talking to
George Peppard and Bonnie Clark.

Even the Bear's sampling some
of Artie's food. I don't believe it.

Brett Somers is
here for some fun.

First on the agenda today will
be the Celebrity Football game.

It's just about to begin.

All right, here comes the players on
the field, led by captain Milton Berle.

And introducing football
great Merlin Olsen.

Come on, Merlin. I
want you to stand...

HARLAN: Head cheerleader
Susan Richardson.

Sorry, Milton. Merlin's
got the right idea.

Locked in mortal battle on the other
side of the arena in the waiter's race...

Is Conrad Bain fighting
off Daniel J. Travanti.

Some of the other
celebrities on these teams

are Mike Warren, Betsy
Palmer, Todd Bridges...

Gary Burghoff, Dody Goodman, Rose
Marie, d*ck Van Patten, and Dean Butler.

Cheering them on are Linda McCullough,
Sheila De Windt, Barbara Horan...

Candi and Randi Brough and
Judy Landers, beautiful ladies.

Whoa, whoa.

Betsy Palmer
looking great out there.

Good handoff by Mike
Warren to Todd Bridges.

All right, let's
give him a hand.

This time, we got the ball. Now,
Mike, when you grab the ball...

I'll give you the
diagram. Grab the ball.

You come right down here. You
stay on the left end, Eddie, okay?

-Then you swerve around,
then you grab... ALL: Ha-ha-ha.

Hey, fellas. Give him a
chance, huh? He's the captain.

[ALL SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

HARLAN: Cheering
them on is Wesley Eure.

All these actors are from
Actors and Others for Animals.

We'd like to thank them. We're
really a success because of them.

Gary Burghoff's
looking great out there.

Most of these actors
are perfect for this event...

because they've spent the earlier
part of their careers waiting on tables.

Rose Marie looking great.
Whoa! She almost lost it!

Meanwhile, back at the
football game-Look at that!

What a mess!

What a pile-up. What
a pile-up, huh, folks?

I can't even see who's winning.

[LAUGHING AND
INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Milton, Milton. Just...
Just the flags, Milton.

Back to the waiter race,
folks, we're on the last leg.

It's down to the anchor men, d*ck
Van Patten against Dean Butler.

And it's a close, close
race. Really close.

It looks like Dean is moving
ahead. Boy, Dean is on a roll!

He is flying!

All right, and the winning
team is Dean's team. All right!

There's Richard Paul looking on.

Gary Burghoff, one happy winner.

Don't forget on the other side of the
arena is the sieve race, now in progress.

Gonna be a lot of
wet folks in this race.

Brian Patrick Clarke
handing to Shawn Stevens.

He's really getting wet.
Everybody's getting wet.

Brian Kerwin, Jeb
Turner, Bonnie Clark.

There's Bonnie.
Good handoff, Bonnie.

So the object of
this game is to simply

fill the buckets at
the end full of water...

but they have to use sieves to fill them.
So everybody's getting wet in this event.

Don't forget there's plenty of free food,
folks, so help yourself anytime you want.

It's buffet style.

All right, looks like Bonnie's
team is winning here.

Yep, yep.

Oh, Jeb. Come on. How'd
they rope you into this, Jeb?

And the winning
team is Bonnie Clark.

All right, let's hear it for
Bonnie's team. All right!

Hey, Jeb. You sore loser.

All right.

Mm-hm.

BAKER: Can I have
everybody's attention?

Step back away from
the dangerous area.

Can we all get back here?
Appreciate it, thank you.

Honey, do you wanna
step down here, please?

Come on, please.
Right back here.

Watch this car coming.

Okay, bring the car through.
Right behind the car, I appreciate it.

Get behind the car.

When that thing blows,
will it scatter much debris?

Oh, probably not. See,
it's really more like a pop.

We set the charges on natural fissures.
It breaks up and rolls down in pieces.

Of course, there's
always the outside chance

that there might be
a few flying rocks.

Come on, I wanna get going
while that boulder's on their mind.

The sidecar's too small.
Where you gonna put this?

I'll find a way.

It's not designed to
carry this much weight.

See you later.

[CRACKLING]

Help!

Help!

Hey, Dane. Just hang on,
I'll be with you in a minute.

I'm gonna pull
you up, all right?

Give me all the help
you can, use your legs.

Oh, boy. Hang in there.

Attaboy.

Hang in there.

I guess you're mad.

Of all the stunts you've pulled,
that's the most pointless...

the most childish,
the most destructive.

I mean, any moron can take a can
of paint and paint on a wall or a rock.

Look, Dane...

I mean, it's a way of getting attention
when you can't get it through achievement.

You're right.

I used to feel good
when I did something.

Like the bike race.

But now I feel...

dumb.

[ENGINE STARTING]

I'll deal with you later.

Sure you've got everything?

Just relax and slide
them up casual. Let's go.

Ponch, sidecar bandits, come on.

[POLICE SIREN WAILING]

Okay, come on. Move it.

I can explain everything.

No handcuffs?

Okay.

I'll fake it.

HARLAN: Push ball is starting.

Susan Richardson, you're
the cheerleader for this one.

Lee Meriwether, Peter
Marshall, you gonna be in this?

All right.

Carol Morris is ready to play.

Ruth, is your team
ready for the faceoff?

Nancy Kulp's team is ready.

And there's the faceoff.

There's Lee diving for it!

Altovise Davis getting up
on Gil Gerard's shoulders.

Madlyn Rhue giving
her a hand there.

The push ball game is
clearly getting busy, folks.

Neither team seems to be
making any headway at all.

Earl Holliman's team pressuring.
Ruth Buzzi getting in on the action.

[ALL CHEERING]

All right, that's a great
move by Bonnie Clark.

- You look tired.
- So do you.

- I'm glad you canceled that bike race.
- Thinking all the time, man.

I pulled Dane off that boulder
today, he was painting his girl's name.

That's the turn around right
there. He's as good with girls.

Yeah, you know, I
really wanted to help him.

Well, you did. Just being
there is important, you know?

Kids work out a lot
of their own problems.

HARLAN: Good play. Good play.

Jimmy Van Patten. Mike
Warren. Todd Bridges up in the air.

Trying to get it.

Remember, folks, this
is push ball, not fly ball.

Keep the ball down
on the court, players.

Johnny Ray getting
in on the action.

Altovise Davis still on
Gil Gerard's shoulders.

Wesley Eure, Todd Bridges,
Kimmy North doing a great job.

And Jimmy Van Patten popped it.

John Ericson with
the victory salute.

Todd Bridges and
Kimmy North are happy.

Here's Quinn Cummings.

Great game, folks. Robert Mandan
and Earl Holliman are happy.

Remember, folks, the
orange game is about to start...

with the Bear handing off to
Bonnie Clark and Marcia Wallace.

Bonnie passing to John Ericson,
who's having a little trouble there...

who in turn passes
to Lynn Borden.

Charlene Holt to Dean Butler...

to Donna Mills.

John Ericson to Lynn
Borden to Brian Kerwin.

Robert Walden a beautiful
handoff to Cindy Williams...

who hands off to Mike Warren.

Brian Kerwin passing
off to Laurie Walters.

Warren, beautiful
handoff to Rose Marie.

Rose Marie handing
off to Dan Travanti.

Beautiful. And Laurie
Walters handing to Tom Hallick.

It looks like Dan's having
a little trouble there.

Come on, Dan.
Hey, that's cheating.

Passing to Dody Goodman.

And Richard Paul
passing to Elinor Donahue.

Barbara Horan with a beautiful
pass-off to Shawn Stevens.

Hey, Gil, what are you doing?

And Shawn, beautiful
pass to Judy Landers...

to Johnnie Ray.

Johnnie paid $200
for this game, I'm sure.

Come on Johnnie.
Looks like you're an item.

I know they're an item.

Come on, Johnnie, play the game.

Johnnie passes to Ruth Buzzi.

All right.

Come on, Ruth.

Okay, who in turn
passes to Earl Holliman.

It's time to dunk your
favorite CHP officer.

Sure glad I'm up here,
folks, and not down there.

First officer up is
Artie Grossman.

And here to do the
honors, is Cindy Williams.

Come on, Cindy.

Give it to him. He deserves it.

That's what you get.

Next on the f*ring
line is Bonnie Clark.

Officer Bonnie Clark
ready to be dunked.

Robert Walden
taking a sh*t at her.

[CHEERING]

CROWD: Aw. HARLAN:
Bonnie's getting cold.

Richard Kline's gonna try it.

Oh! First hit.
Good play, Richard.

MAN: Whoo!
- Good sh*t, Richard.

Just hope she never
stops you on the freeway.

She'll throw the book at you.

MAN: Ha-ha-ha.
- All right.

Next to get dunked,
Officer Barry Baricza.

Judy Landers poising, throwing.

Argh. Oh, come on.

Next ball.

Okay, Judy, look out. I see Johnnie
Ray coming through the crowd.

Next up, Donna Mills.

Come on, dunk him.

Nice try, Donna. Come
on, we gotta sink this guy.

Come on. Who's gonna—-?
Lee Meriwether, come on.

Come on.

All right. Okay. Todd
Bridges is gonna do it.

Hey, Todd, you're hitting it, but you're
not— Come on, a little more power, Todd.

Come on. Hey, wait. No...

- I was planning to do that myself.
- Not fair.

[ALL LAUGHING]

HARLAN: Officer Jeb Turner
will be next to be dunked.

Michael Warren is doing the dirty
work. Come on, Mike, give it to him.

- Come on. Come on.
- He's gonna let him hang for a while.

Good going, Mike. Good going.

Now, I know Jeb's in
there, Mike. I saw him.

Jeb. Jeb.

Oh, Jeb. Ha-ha-ha.

Good job, Mike. Hey,
Vic enjoying the party.

All right, folks, I'd like to remind you
we have tons and tons of wonderful food.

[HARLAN CONTINUES
SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

She's growing up.

We won't have her much longer.

No.

Gotta be some way to
enjoy the time we have left.

There is.

Your place or mine?

HARLAN: May I have
your attention, please?

Why don't everyone step forward
and watch the giant TV screen...

and get your final look at
the famous Malibu boulder.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER AND GASPING]

We're back at the
site of that giant rock.

That boulder has been a
source of frustration, challenge...

even a bit of
embarrassment to the experts.

Their first attempt to lift it
away by helicopter failed.

But now the experts say they feel
sure that expl*sives are the answer.

Okay, folks, can I
have quiet, please?

[ALL LAUGHING]

DANE: It's still there.

Oh. What are you gonna do
now? Call the president on it?

No. Um...

What we'll do is we'll
build a retaining wall.

And we'll just chip
away at it piece by piece.

Could take months.

Months?

Why me?

Why me?

MAN: Ah.
- Aah!
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