♪♪ Oh, baby ♪♪
♪♪Oh, baby♪♪
♪♪ And now, I'm gonna use
every trick in the book ♪♪
♪♪ I'll try my best
to get you hooked ♪♪
♪♪ Hey, baby ♪♪
♪♪Baby♪♪
♪♪ And every night, every day ♪♪
♪♪ I'm gonna say ♪♪
♪♪ I'm gonna get ya,
I'm gonna get ya ♪♪
♪♪ Look out, boy,
'cause I'm gonna get ya... ♪♪
Where is it? Where is it?
Ah! Ladies and gentlemen,
for your consideration
In the category
of shameless self-promotion
The winner is frank fontana
For the seventh day in a row.
Great sh*t, frank,
and the airbrushed chest hair
Is a really nice touch.
Another ad?
Frank, this is really
getting pathetic.
I paid for those ads.
It was too late to cancel.
Now that I'm not nominated,
I look ridiculous.
Sure, now that
you're not nominated.
It's not my fault
my name wasn't on the ballot.
Somebody else screwed up
And sent your entry form
to the electric company
And a check for $ .
To the humboldt committee.
Give it up, frank.
I took a b*llet for that story.
Shouldn't this stuff
be miles' job, anyway?
Not this again.
Do you have any idea
the number of things
I am responsible for
Fyi sails along
like a duck on the water
But who's the pair
of webbed feet
That has to keep it afloat?
You're webbed feet.
You are.
Damn right, so lay off.
I'm paddling
as hard as I can.
Corky:
just because we
have fancy jobs
Doesn't mean we
can't fill out an
entry form ourselves
And get it
to the right place.
Murphy and I did
and we got nominated.
Even if I had sent
my entry form
To the electric company
I bet I still would
have been nominated
Because I am
just that good.
Morning, all.
You were at
the humboldt meeting.
Was there any discussion
about me?
Why, yes. A lengthy one
as to whether
Your current media blitz
Would cheapen the reputation
of the humboldts forever.
Half said yes, while
the other half claimed
You'd replaced family circus
As their favorite
morning chuckle.
Did anyone say anything
about my request
For a write-in nomination?
Oh, that... No.
Damn. Maybe there's
still time
To cancel the
frank fontana muffin baskets.
While on the subject
of the humboldts
I'm pleased to announce
I was elected chairman
of the judging committee.
No way.
Can't do it.
You think finding people
to judge is easy?
Ted koppel actually ran
into a ladies' room to avoid me
But I didn't let that stop me.
I charged right in, nabbed him
and cokie roberts too.
I do it
every year.
Great way
to spend a sunday.
You get to meet
all your peers
View the best
this medium has to offer
And you get
a nifty little t-shirt.
Not to mention
Our complimentary
deli spread.
So... Miles?
Gee, jim, I'd love
to help you out...
Jeff zucker signed up.
Yes, producer
Of the today show
And an evening magazine,
yet he found time.
Course, he is a -year-old
wunderkind.
. He had a birthday
september .
Put me down, put me down.
(Mumbling):
the little weenie.
(Clearing throat)
Aw, no, jim.
You don't want me.
I'm no good at judging.
When I get up with avery
and watch star search
I never pick
the spokes-model that wins.
You know, murphy, let me
remind you of a little story.
It's a story about a young,
blonde, female journalist
And a man who stopped her
From doing a potentially
embarrassing solo limbo
At a certain
inaugural ball.
Oh, no, jim.
Not that story.
I hate that story.
The year was
The mood was gay,
the night was young...
And then someone requested
"the tallyman song."
Don't do this to me.
♪♪ Come, mr. Tallyman,
tally me banana... ♪♪
All right.
I'll judge your stupid
little humboldts
But this is
fair warning:
Those t-shirts
better be
% Cotton
or I'm walking.
Miles:
hey, murphy.
Somebody really
ought to knock
That kuralt down a peg.
He was parking his -foot
winnebago in the fire lane.
Where am I
supposed to park?
Guess what?
They've got me
In "informational
programming."
And what lame category
Did -year-old
wunderkind jeff zucker
Get stuck in?
"Best research."
You should have
seen his face.
He looked at least .
That's great, miles
But you should
have requested
"Title sequences"
like I did.
The whole thing
ought to take
About ten minutes tops.
Abc evening news.
♪♪ Da da da-da. ♪♪
That's one.
Minutes.
Tick-tick, tick-tick.
That's two.
Va-room! That's me
on my way
To the cap center
motown festival
While you're still here
judging... Sucker!
Hey, murph.
Why are you here?
The guy who did
"taking back the streets"
Does not take
no for an answer.
I'm not giving up.
This is a petition
to redo nominations
In the category of
"Outstanding achievement
in reporting."
That's my category.
Why would I sign this?
With me not nominated
Even if you win,
you'll never know
If you're
the real winner.
I can live with that.
Awards are so
important to you.
Not a pretty side of you,
murphy.
Excuse me?
Hi. Murphy brown,
"title sequences."
You might want
to give me
My t-shirt now
So it doesn't slow me down
on my way out.
Let's see, murphy brown.
Ah, here you are...
But not in "title sequences."
You've been reassigned.
What?
You're judging
"special classification
For outstanding documentary
program achievement."
Long form.
What?! Oh, no.
I didn't sign
up for any...
Corky:
murphy.
We're judging together.
Get on over here.
We've got hours ahead of us.
It's going to be
so much fun!
I saved you a seat.
Great. That way when
the teacher's not looking
We can pass each other notes
And mine will say,
"I've been screwed."
I'm supposed to be
in "title sequences"
But those lousy
fascists bumped me.
You miss one tiny
decade of membership dues
And they treat
you like dirt.
You wouldn't
have liked it anyway.
That one's over so fast
You don't get to do
any real judging.
You see this ticket?
Cap center
motown festival
Which is where I am
supposed to be in three hours
In seat -d
with peter next to me.
If I'm not,
I'm going to be very unhappy
And I am rarely unhappy alone.
Now, murphy, don't you think
Watching humboldt-nominated
documentaries
Is a little more important
than listening to a bunch
Of old has-beens
shalang-alanging?
Gayle beck.
I'm in research.
Hiya. Andy nayborn.
Camera for / .
Well, I guess I need
no introduction.
Fred skolnitz.
Television pioneer.
Aw, the hell
with all of you.
Well, I'm
corky sherwood...
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Let's just get
this whole thing over with.
What have we got here?
Quilting in america.
We'll just pop this baby in here
and we'll be on the road
Before the four tops
do their sound check.
Murphy, what
are you doing?
We haven't gone over
the rules yet.
We don't need to see
the credits.
This is all set-up--
History of the quakers
They're raising a barn.
We all saw witness, right?
I'm telling
the proctor.
We don't need
a proctor.
What seems to be
the problem?
Oh, jim's
our proctor.
I'm just zooming
through the credits.
Rule of the
humboldt bylaws
States that all
program material
Must be viewed, and
that includes credits.
Told you.
But that'll
take forever.
Murphy, you are
a humboldt winner.
You of all people
should understand
The importance
of this sacred process.
But I have
backstage passes.
♪♪ Day-o. Day-ay-ay-o. ♪♪
All right, jim.
Geez, I thought
you were my friend.
I'll tell you
what I told
That jaywalking
billy mcclure
When I was a crossing guard
in the sixth grade--
When I wear this badge,
I have no friends.
Well, now that we've
established I was right
Let's start again...
From the beginning.
(Music playing)
Woman:
a stitch in time:
quilting in america.
A six-part series.
Hi. Frank fontana.
Have you seen my piece
"taking back the streets"?
Uh-uh.
Well, in that case
If you're
against them building
A nuclear dump site
in your backyard
Could you just
sign right there?
Though she is blind
Grandma agnes identifies
the various fabrics
By touch and smell.
See, murphy.
Isn't this a lot more
interesting than you thought?
Murphy? Murphy?
I was just
getting some air.
Then explain why
when you saw me
You started sprinting
for the parking lot
Like a blonde jackrabbit.
Sorry, slugger.
According to rule b
The door will now be locked.
(Grumbling)
Here's an intercom.
In case of emergency, buzz.
(Grumbling)
Part four: "thread."
After so much hard work
The quilt is near completion.
Thank god.
But on the th day, tragedy.
A mistake is found.
The women must unravel
each and every stitch one by one
And begin the entire
painstaking process yet again.
(All groaning)
No! I have been
more than patient
But we could've made a quilt
In the time we've
been watching this.
What do you say
we watch another nominee
And then get back to quilting.
By then we'll be dying
for quilting.
You know, this same issue
came up in
When I judged
"outstanding reporting."
We weren't sure
if we should look
At all of peter jennings'
gulf w*r piece.
I was nominated in ' .
I lost to jennings.
Some of the panel
liked your piece
But I had
to vote against it.
It was very violent,
and I think
There's too much v*olence
on television.
It was about v*olence
on television!
Still...
You want
to see v*olence
Because I can
show you v*olence.
(Buzzing)
Mr. Fontana, you are
on a fool's errand.
We are not making
an exception.
But this is not
an exception.
Now if this
had been my fault
It would be an exception
Something I definitely
would not ask you to make
But this is more
of an act of god.
Oh, an act of god.
Well, perhaps
we can fix this.
Your category's being
judged over there.
Why don't we
slip your tape
In along with
the others.
Or we could
just knock out
One of the nominees
to make room for you.
No. How about
we just give you
A humboldt right now.
The engraving
may take a while.
Do you have
a few minutes?
Okay. You're kidding
about that last one, right?
Antarctica: the
longest winter
And ken burns'
railroads:
The longest ride.
Should we watch
the tribe of man
Or take a few minutes
and compare notes?
We could do that,
or I could box your ears
With volumes two and five
of quilting.
Put on the damn tape!
Or we could
put in the tape.
Man:
to know that we are not alone
That we are part
of something greater
That though our lives are but
a brief and shining moment
In the continuum,
we were here.
Wow!
That was
incredible!
Educational,
yet moving
And I have to tell you,
it is not easy to move me
At : in the morning.
I think we got a winner.
Not so fast, murphy.
Everybody has to
write down their vote
On the designated x card
With a number
two pencil.
Then we read
them aloud.
Those are
the rules.
Fine.tribe... Of... Man.
There. Well,
nice voting with you.
Don't bother saving me
a place for next year.
We're about to decide
who will go home with a humboldt
And who will go home
drunk in a cab
With a centerpiece on their head
as a hat.
Tribe of man, quilting,
quilting, quilting, quilting.
What? You all voted
for quilting?
Tribe of man
kicked quilting's butt.
There's your winner.
There's no winner
until we all agree.
Says who?
Everyone has to reach
a unanimous decision.
Fine. You all think
quilting's better.
I disagree.
There's only one thing to do.
Those pencils have erasers.
Change your votes.
Corky:
I'm sorry,
but I thought
Quilting was more touching
than the other one.
It was about history
and triumph.
What triumph?
When that old crone
Finally threaded the
needle successfully?
Oh, yeah, my heart's
still pounding from that moment.
Sweetie,
it's four to one.
Why don't you
change your vote
And we can
get the hell out of here?
I don't think you are
taking this seriously.
Oh, give me a break!
Okay, fine.
I happen to like
tribe of man
But that's just me.
I can't force my
opinion on you.
I can't twist
your arm.
I can't browbeat you
into thinking my way.
Tribe, tribe, tribe, tribe...
Quilting.
All right
Who's the dirty
little quilt lover?
Well, I have
to vote my conscience
And my conscience
says quilting
And I have a feeling
yours do too.
Don't change your votes
Just because
she wants you to.
You should vote
for what you think is best
And not succumb
to intimidation.
Are you with me?
Tribe, tribe, tribe, tribe...
Quilting.
(Groaning)
It's morning
already.
Corky, this has gone on
long enough.
Fred's dozing off,
andy's contacts
Have sucked the moisture
out of his eyes
And gayle really needs
to brush her teeth.
Everyone else
is in agreement.
They're in agreement
'Cause you bullied
them into it.
I did not bully them.
I just
gently shoved them
In the direction
they should have gone
In the first place.
We can go back
and forth on this
But we both know
you'll end up
Agreeing with me
in the end.
Why not just do it now
So these nice people
can go home?
You're right, murphy.
I do usually let
you have your way.
But not this time!
I'm not giving in.
(Yelling)
I've done it
for six years.
Murphy just shoves
her weight around
And everybody's
just supposed to give in.
Well, I've
got news for you.
Corky sherwood's
a little stubborn too
And we're
not going anywhere.
(Buzzer sounding)
They're going to
leave us here to die.
I hope you understand
what's going on here.
Obviously, this
isn't about quilting.
Corky's just using
this particular forum
To make some sort
of misguided stand.
Is that true, corky?
Don't you see?
She's doing it
to you too.
She always has to
have her own way.
Is that true, murphy?
Murphy likes
the thermostat
Set at degrees,
so the rest of us
Just have to
bring sweaters.
And when she gets water
at the water cooler
Does she get any
for anyone else? No.
I don't see what...
We'll all be sitting
at the table
She goes to get herself
some water
But does she say,
"corky, would you like some?"
Geez, you've got a mouth.
If you want water, speak up.
At least
I don't announce
In that chipper
little voice
That I'm getting water,
and then ask everyone
If they want some.
(Sarcastic falsetto):
"jim, do you want water?
"Frank, are you thirsty?
Miles, do you
want water?"
How annoying is that?
That is a little annoying.
I've got a flash
for you, corky.
Nobody wants
your water.
Just like nobody wants
those homemade lemon bars
That come in those
cute little tins
We all have to
return to you.
"Where's my tin?
"Did you bring
back my tin?
"You didn't
forget my tin?
I want my
tin back."
Well, if you're
so obsessed
With your stupid tins
Why do you put the cookies
there in the first place?
Judas priest,
what is going on in here?
I hate to be
a squealer
But corky has been
holding up this committee.
She's been stubborn...
Well, murphy
was bullying
And she grabbed
the remote control.
Only because she
was hogging it.
Jim, I feel
it would be
In the best interests
of the humboldts
If corky were
disqualified.
Corky, I'm afraid
I'm going to have
To remove you
from the panel.
What?!
Ha!
You too, murphy.
What?
Ha!
Wait a minute.
Corky's bad, so I
get in trouble?
Yes. Under
the seldom-invoked
Jane pauley/
deborah norville rule
When members display
Childish behavior and impede
the judging process
The proctor is authorized
to remove them.
I'm getting sent home?
Wait a minute.
I did not give up
hours of my life
To not have my
vote counted.
I know people, jim, and
doris is home alone.
Ah! Threatening a proctor.
That's a violation
of code
Otherwise known
as the gumbel rule.
Would you like
to go for three?
Come on.
You know, murphy
I thought it would be
fun to judge with you
But this wasn't
fun at all.
Murphy:
ah, judge this!
(Elevator bell dings)
Jim, you are not
going to believe this.
Oh, tell it
to someone who cares.
In the past hours,
I've had a grand total
Of three and a half
minutes' sleep
And that was
in the elevator.
Dear lord,
this is decaf!
Whoever brewed
this impotent swill--
And you know who you are--
Rest assured, you will...
Something.
(Elevator bell dings)
Hands off, corky.
I saw it first.
I'm as hungry
as you are.
Let go.
You let go.
Look at us.
This is ridiculous.
You're right.
It is a little
ridiculous.
Ha!
Murphy!
That's exactly
What I was talking about
last night.
She'll do whatever it
takes to get her way.
Did you see that?
What does any
of it matter?
I did the best piece
of my life
And I'm not going to get
any recognition for it.
Oh, come on, frank.
You did great work.
You know that,
everybody here knows that.
That's what really counts.
Corky:
you know
what I think?
I think we all take these awards
a little too seriously.
That's true.
If you saw what goes on
in those rooms
The way these awards
are chosen...
The way some people
shove their opinions
Down other people's throats...
And the way
some people use that room
As a place to air
their personal grievances
And petty little concerns.
Really petty.
Murphy.
You guys are still
talking about me, right?
Um, yeah. I guess
What we're
trying to say is
That now that we've seen
the other side
We realize for the first time
How truly insignificant
the humboldts really are.
Yep. It's just a big, old,
pointy hunk of glass.
I guess you're right.
Thanks. I tell you
That does make me feel
a little better.
Guys! Guys! Guess what?
Yesterday
at the humboldts
When I was resting my head
against the stall door
I overheard
some of the judges
From the "best
reporting" category.
They didn't say who,
but, apparently, the winner
Is someone from fyi.
Who cares?
Big deal.
Yes!