(Elevator bell dings)
Okay, everybody, here they are.
I have got
your tickets
For the animal
welfare federation
Annual bowl-a-thon.
Now remember,
every pin you knock down
Will help maintain
the stasis and biodiversity
Of our ecosystem.
I'm not exactly
sure what that means
But my publicist tells me
it's a really good thing.
Here you go, jim.
These are for you.
And corky, there's yours.
I still don't get this, frank.
This is supposed to be
a valentine's day event.
Why is it in january?
Apparently someone waited till
the last minute
To book
the bowling alley.
I thought
you were in charge of that.
Hey, I had a lot
on my plate last month!
I just hate valentine's day.
It puts so much
pressure on single people.
Yeah, I know what you mean.
Just because
You're lucky enough
to be in a relationship
Why should you get
a holiday too?
They might as well have
"People born with beauty
and intelligence" day
Or "people who eat all they
want and don't get fat" day.
You don't have a
date either, do you?
No. You going to go?
I don't think so.
Feel kind of weird
not having a date.
Yeah, I know what you mean.
Looks like it could have been fun.
Yeah, but if you don't have
anyone to go with, what's the point?
Where would you find someone now?
That is, if you even wanted to go.
Why would you want to if you
didn't have anyone to go with?
Oh, god.
My ears are bleeding.
Would you please just
go together already?
Wait a sec.
The two of us together?
Hey, that's a bad idea.
Don't you feel
sorry for people
Who don't have
anyone to go with?
Yeah, it's really sad.
Listen, murph.
Since we are both
on the committee
What do you say you and peter
double with me and my date
and we make it a foursome.
Well actually, frank,
I'm not sure we're going
to go to this thing.
You're on the committee.
You have to go.
Well I think the endangered animals
have a little more to worry about
Than whether I go to their
stupid party or not
And besides peter's not really
into this kind of thing.
That's what this is all about.
Every time I ask you and peter
to do something with me
You always come up with
some lame excuse not to do it.
If you're talking about
that redskins game,
I swear to you peter was
in serious pain that day
Oh, come on.
The man crawled across the
jungle once with a broken leg.
He couldn't make it
to a football game
Because of an
ingrown hair?
If I'm not mistaken,
wasn't it an ingrown hair that
k*lled president garfield?
Frank.
All right.
You want to know the truth?
Whenever you and peter
get together
There's always this
uncomfortable tension.
Tension? There's no tension.
That's just two guys having fun.
You gave his name
to the secret service
And said you heard him
threatening the president.
You never heard
Of something called
an april fool's joke?
In august, frank?
Come on.
That's all water under the bridge.
Now listen.
Even thought he did come
in here and inv*de my turf
Steal away
my best friend
And I'm % sure
He's the one responsible
for that graffiti
in the men's room incident.
I am past all that.
You're really serious about this?
Absolutely. Now listen,
peter's in your life now.
I want to be in your life too.
I really think we
should all get along.
This bowling night is
a perfect opportunity to do that.
Okay. I'm not making
any promises
But I'll see what I can do.
Great.
Oh, and, frank?
I don't want you
blaming peter for that
graffiti in the men's room.
I'll have you know that
drawing took me two hours.
Hey, murphy.
Oh, hey.
I'll be ready in a second.
I don't think I'm going to go bowling.
I think I'm coming down with that
flu thing that's going around.
It starts with a little
tickle in the throat, doesn't it?
Really?
Oh, peter, that's too bad.
You must feel awful...
Being involved with a
woman who wouldn't buy
That load of crap for a second.
O-o-okay.
Let me try another load of crap.
Look, we've been through this already.
Frank really wants to be your friend.
The least you can do is
return the gesture.
Besides, if you don't
I'm going to spread the rumor.
That you wear
bikini underwear
With a big
bull's-eye on them.
You gave them to me.
Still, you wore them,
and I'm willing to go public with that.
You wouldn't dare.
All right, I'll go.
But when I give you
the word, we leave
Or I'll tell everyone
at that bowling alley
That you regularly sell
your hair to a wig maker
Not because
you need the money
But because you're
just that cheap.
Be my guest.
No one will believe you.
Are you willing
to take that chance?
You are low, hunt.
But you're my kind of low.
Frank, we're just heading
over to the bowling alley.
Well, have a good time.
What are you
talking about?
My date canceled.
She's got this flu thing
that's going around.
Apparently, it starts with a
little tickle in the throat...
If frank's not going, maybe
we shouldn't go either.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You have to go.
As event co-chairman,
you're going to have
to assume my duties.
What? What duties?
It's not that much really.
All you're going to have to
do is spray the shoes
and empty out the ashtrays.
Oh, and
If the a*t*matic pinsetter gets stuck
What you have to do,
the guy says, is crawl under
there and give it a sharp kick
Then get the hell out of there
'cause the thing comes down really fast.
Oh, yeah, that'll happen.
Besides frank, just because
your date canceled
Doesn't mean that you can't go
Oh, yeah, I'm going to go
To a valentine's
day event alone.
You never know
what happens at these things.
Maybe a couple will get into a fight
And you'll meet someone that way.
I've already made some calls.
There's no one available.
No one?
Apparently a last minute invite
To a valentine's day bowling party
Doesn't thrill a woman
the way it used to.
It's the bowling alley.
You really should be handling this.
All right, I'll take it.
Quick.
You've got to find someone
For frank to take.
Why would I do that? I don't
even want to go to this thing.
Look, if you think it's going to be me
sliding under those pinsetters, pal,
You are sadly mistaken.
So get out that pathetic
little black book
That I know you have
but you won't admit to
And make frank a match.
I don't think there would be anybody
in that book that would be
Right for frank.
If such a book existed.
And even if it did,
it would be probably
filled with names
Of women that I went out with.
Don't you think that you might
have a problem with that?
Yeah, right.
I'm really going to be threatened
By a woman whose name is
followed by three stars
And the word, "yahoo."
First of all,
I don't use stars.
I use a complicated system of
checks and pluses
And little smiley faces.
And secondly...
Look, it's bad enough
I have to participate
In a sport whose finest athletes
Train on a diet of cigarettes,
beer and corn nuts.
So the least
you can do for me
Is this one little favor.
Well, I do have this friend linda.
She might be free tonight.
Linda? A female name
Free tonight--
she sounds perfect.
Call her.
Listen, murph.
Apparently there is a
fungal virus going around
So when you spray
the shoes tonight
Make sure you really get
up in the toes.
Relax, frank.
You're still on shoe duty.
Peter has a friend who's perfect for you
And he's calling her right now.
A blind date. I don't think so.
Would she be a totally blind date
if I knew her?
Really? You know her?
What's she like?
Linda? Oh, she's... She's great.
She's, um,
she's fun...
Intelligent...
Yahoo.
Look, i-i don't know.
Murph, it just doesn't
sound right... Yahoo?
Yahoo, frank.
Oh, man, look at this.
There's nothing
but couples here.
You said this woman
would be here by now.
She'll be here, frank.
Don't worry. If linda said she's
coming, she's definitely coming.
All right.
You know linda.
Oh, yes, I do.
Boy, everybody's
really swept up in this
Valentine's day theme.
Elizabeth and bob dole.
Mary matalin
and james carville.
Even justice souter
brought a date.
Sure, it's janet reno.
But they really
look like they belong together.
Hi, guys.
Hey, a valentine's party
and you two
Are together.
Does this mean
you're officially an item now?
No, we are not an item.
We are just here as friends.
Because that is the way we
want it, right, corky?
Right, friends. Unless you thought
were here as something other than friends.
No. We're happy as friends.
Really happy.
You are happy,
aren't you?
Oh, very.
Couldn't be happier.
I mean, if you are.
I couldn't be happier...
Oh, god!
Will they or won't they?
It's like a bad episode
of moonlighting.
Greetings, all.
Hey, jim.
Are you here alone?
Unfortunately, yes.
Doris' allergies
started acting up
And just as we were about to leave
her mother called
And that brought
on a migraine.
And as we were going out
she broke a heel...
She didn't want to come,
did she, jim?
It's a bowling alley,
for god's sake.
Wild horses
couldn't drag her here.
Come on, jim,
you can
bowl with us.
Where's your date, frank?
She's coming!
I am tired
of these insinuations.
I have a date.
And let me
tell you something.
She is definitely coming.
She's not coming,
is she?
How many times
do I have say it?
Debbie will be here.
Debbie? I thought you said
her name was linda.
You're right.
Her middle name's debbie.
Now I'm waiting
for debbie
What's her
last name, "godot"?
Now hold on, frank.
I'm onto your game.
You were desperate
to get me here tonight
So you wouldn't
have to spray the shoes.
And you... You...
She made you pretend
to make a phone call
And pretend to get me a date
with this debbie linda.
That's linda debbie.
Hold on, frank...
I came here
to bury the hatchet with you
Only to find it lodged
between my shoulder blades.
Well, thank you.
Thank you very much.
Peter, oh, hi.
Sorry I'm late.
Traffic was terrible.
I'm linda.
You must be frank.
Peter's told me
some great things about you.
Uh, hi.
You know, this might sound
shallow and unconvincing
But I love you, man.
All right!
I tell you,
you are a regular, uh...
Hey, anybody know the name
of a famous bowler?
Well, anyway,
you're just doing great.
Oh, god. I tell you,
I am really into this
whole valentine's theme.
Yeah, love
is in the air.
Nice gutterball, hunt!
You stink!
You know, this linda,
she's terrific.
Tell me what you
know about her.
I want to
know everything.
Linda? Well, she's
sort of... She's...
To tell you the truth, frank,
I don't really know her.
Oh... She's complicated,
Hard to pin down.
I like that.
No. I mean
I don't know her.
I never met her
before tonight.
Never?
You let peter set me up
With someone you
don't even know?
How could you do that?
Oh, man.
If I'd known, there's no way
I would have agreed
to come here tonight.
What are you
complaining about?
You're having
a great time.
This changes everything.
It doesn't change a thing.
Linda's bright, attractive
And she just made
a seven-ten split.
This is exactly
my point.
A woman that attractive
agreeing to go on a blind date
At a bowling alley
at the last minute?
There is something
deeply, deeply wrong here.
You said it yourself
she's a good bowler.
Maybe too good.
Maybe she's a man.
You've been sniffing
that shoe spray
Haven't you, frank?
Is that an adam's apple?
You're up, frank.
Okay.
Yes!
Did you see that?!
Did you see that?!
I got three!
One, two, three.
Wow. That's
really great.
The highest
I got was two
And that was
in somebody else's lane.
Oh, miles, it's not
as hard as it looks.
Here, let me show you.
First, I put my foot
right here on this spot.
Like this?
No. Here,
let me show you.
Like this.
Then, I grip the ball
like this.
How does that feel?
That feels right.
Really right.
Wrong, wrong, wrong!
Oh, for heaven's
sake, corky
Step away
from the man.
Miles, all right,
turn around.
Hands up.
Together. Okay.
Now let's flex
those knees, shall we?
Peter, I'm adding up
your score.
That last one that wobbled--
it didn't go down, did it?
Okay, so that all
adds up to zero.
(Laughs loudly)
You guys have such an
interesting relationship.
How did you
get together?
We met at work
and we started going out
and we've been
together ever since.
How did you meet peter?
Oh, we met when we were
in the peace corps together.
Peter was
in the peace corps?
Really?
I didn't know that.
Sure. Three years.
Anyway, they sent us to this
really remote part of thailand.
The nearest doctor
was miles away
So you can imagine
how scary it was
When peter got bitten
by that snake
And almost d*ed.
Peter almost d*ed
from a snakebite?
I didn't know that.
Yeah. Then on the way back,
he proposed to me.
At first, I thought it was
maybe the medication talking
Because just the minute
before that
He'd taken off
all his clothes,
Scrambled up
a banyan tree...
Whoa, whoa, could you back up
for a second?
You guys were married?
Oh, no, no. We never
went through with it
But we did live
together for two years.
But I'm sure
You know all about that.
Oh, yeah.
That I knew about.
You're up, linda.
Remember,
you're working on a spare.
We can relax, murph.
She's all woman.
She is that.
I was just talking
to peter, and I tell you
The guy honestly thought
that she'd be perfect for me
And you know, he's right.
I mean, what a setup.
She's attractive,
she's smart...
She lived with peter
for two years.
Oh, man!
What a setup!
I knew there was something
wrong with her.
Peter dumps her,
then he feels guilty.
He tries to pawn
her off on me.
You're up, frank.
Thanks for nothing, man.
What's with him?
Oh, he just found out the
blind date you set him up
with used to be your roomie.
Oh, yeah, we
lived together.
Oh, yeah,
you lived together?
That's it?
Like, yeah, they have
nachos at the bar?
What's wrong?
Don't tell me
this bothers you.
No, it doesn't bother me.
It's just that it would have
been nice to know.
I mean, we've been together for
almost a year, and I had no idea.
Well, I would have told you,
but we had this understanding
in the beginning
That this relationship
was going to crash and burn, right?
I mean, we agreed
that there was no point
In cluttering things up
with useless information.
You're absolutely right.
Besides, it's not
like I don't have stuff
I haven't bothered
to tell you.
Exactly. Great.
Like, uh...
Like, like what?
Like... I was married once.
I know that. You told me that.
There's a lot
of other stuff like that
I haven't told you about.
A lot of other stuff.
Did you know about me
and jerry gold?
That loudmouth?
I hate that guy.
What about
you and him?
Oh, look,
it's my turn.
Hey, man, sorry about
blowing up at you back then.
Really, I don't know
where that came from.
So, uh...
Linda tells me
She's the one
who dumped you, huh?
Yup. Dumped you
and dumped you good.
Man, that really must have
messed up your head, huh?
Yeah, I suppose.
Listen, murphy
and jerry gold--
What was that
all about?
And that, friend,
is called
"Slamming the pocket."
Corky, I believe
you're up next.
Save my seat.
Hey, corky?
Have a ball.
Oh, you.
Jim, I need to talk
to you about something.
Miles, I'm beginning to lose
patience with you.
It's left, right,
left, right, release.
No. No, no, no. It's
about something different.
Something going on
at the office
And, well, I think we all
know what that is.
Yes. Go on.
You know, sometimes
people have these feelings
And they keep them buried.
Then time goes by
And they wonder
if they're not making
The biggest mistake
of their life.
They start wondering...
Maybe they should be
I don't know--
Seizing the opportunity
Before it's
gone forever.
Now, you listen to me.
And you listen good.
I don't know what lies
you've heard about me
And that raven-haired
receptionist
But nothing, I repeat,
nothing happened
in the xerox room that day.
She had a paper block,
and I helped her clear it.
That's the long
and short of it.
If any of this
to doris, so help me god...
Miles, it's your turn.
Okay.
Jim, I need to talk
To you about something.
Something that's going on
in the office.
Oh, dear lord!
Peter flunked out
of seminary school?
For cheating.
Wow.
Murphy's seen every
james bond movie twice?
Yup. Even octopussy.
Peter speaks
fluent chinese?
Cantonese and mandarin.
You should hear him
order takeout.
Murphy's fired
a lot of secretaries?
How long have you
guys been going out?
Anyway, listen peter,
I think linda and I
Are going to cut
out of here.
Hey, linda.
Would you like to take off?
Sure.
You guys don't
mind, do you?
We would like to get to know
each other a little more.
Yeah. You know
what that's like.
Ha. Sure do.
Been there.
Boy, you know...
Frank sure seems to know
an awful lot about you.
And linda seems to know
a lot about you.
I guess, if we had the kind
of relationship
Where we called
a "relationship"
I might know that kind
of stuff about you, too.
But you don't
want that, do you?
Me? No, I'm happy
with the way things are.
As long as you're happy
with the way things...
You're happy, aren't you?
Oh, absolutely.
I'm happy
if you're happy.
I'm happy
if you are.
Boy, we sound
like corky and miles.
What are we doing, peter?
I'm happy.
We're not doing
The "happy" thing
anymore, are we?
Look, murphy--
I don't know what's
going on with us
All I know is,
I found out tonight
I'm involved with a woman
that I hardly know.
I know what you mean.
Seminary school?
You know what's
getting to me?
I make my living
asking I questions.
I know more about yasir arafat
than I know about you.
Well, the man's an open book.
Maybe we shouldn't
blame ourselves.
We weren't even supposed
to last this long.
We were supposed
to crash and burn
Long before we got to
"what's your favorite color?"
I was supposed
to be feeding your pictures
Through a paper
shredder by now.
I was supposed
to be crossing out
The smiley faces
by your name
In my little black book.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I don't want it to end yet.
I don't either.
So what's your
favorite color?
Gray.
Gray?
What the hell kind
of color is gray?
I mean, blue--
there's a color.
Blue. That figures.
What's the matter
with blue?
Nothing. It's just that %
of the population say blue
But if that's okay with you...
Who's your favorite writer?
Stephen king.
Oh, boy,
this is going
to be work.
Avery: mommy?
Reena's probably asleep.
I'm just going
to check on avery.
You got a kid?